Lost in Austen (2008): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

Amanda arrives at Netherfield shortly after Jane. She realizes that things don't go according to plan. While Jane recovers from a fever, Bingley tells Amanda of his passion for her to which Amanda can only mutter that she is interested in women to keep Bingley at bay. Amanda's redirection of Bingley's feelings seem to be working as Bingley apparently shows an interest in Jane. When Mr. Collins arrives at Longbourn, Amanda faces yet another challenge to keep Jane free for Mr. Bingley. The appearance of Wickham is also causing Amanda difficulties to keep the purpose of the novel alive.

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Miss Bennet, you must be frozen.

Sorry. Can you let me in?

- Miss Price.
- Thank you.

I do not understand.

Miss Bennet came as you instructed.

You invited her, yes? She came.

Can you give me a hand?

You must get this girl into bed.

Her fever does not abate.

It's paracetamoI. They'll bring down
her temperature. Let's just...

You sit up.

Here you go.
Can you pass...?

Charles, I've taken the Iiberty
of ordering the fayton

- to take Miss Price back to Longbourn.
- what?

No, no, no, no. Miss Price must stay here.
She is the best possible nurse.

She has paracetomoles.

Then of course she must remain.

Miss Price,

the night we... spoke

on the terrace,

I must confess,
l cannot stop thinking of your Iips, of...

God help me, Miss Price,
your tongue...

Stay there. Stay.
I never meant for that to happen.

I'd been drinking. I was disorientated.

But I'm drawn to you.

I'm a man.

Well, I'm a woman and I'm drawn...

to other women.


You mean, there really are Iadies who...

steer the punt from the Cambridge end?

You bet.

The other night I got carried away
and I'm sorry

but nothing like it
is ever going to happen again.

With me. Ever.

It might, on the other hand,

happen with her.

Can't you see?
It's her you love, not me.

Open your eyes, Mr Bingley,

and see.

Thank you. Oh.

I'm not that big on seafood.

Miss Price does not care for oysters.
You may bring her the next course.

I have exchanged places, Mr Darcy,

with my friend Elizabeth.

She is another sister of Miss Bennet.

I expect you've heard great reports
of Elizabeth's sparkling wit.

About Miss Bennet,

you lied.


I know you're supposed to be abrupt
but that's a bit stark.

I'm always stark with liars.

Elizabeth, what can I say?

You're welcome to him, miserable sod.

Miss Price, you have an appetite

to be proceeding so quickly to the larks,
ahead of Mr Darcy.

Bring Miss Price another leash of birds.
She is manifestly famished.


Now I shall not say another word.

Clearly I have interrupted
a most fluid and informed conversation.

- How does Miss Bennet, Charles?
- Better.

Miss Price is most adroit
in her treatment of the sick.

Mr Bingley, have you considered
giving a ball at Netherfield?

Wouldn't it be a fun way

to bring together people who...

need to be brought together?

How I envy Miss Price, to be so inspirited
by the mere thought of music

that it quite sweeps away all anxiety
for her friend.

After dinner you must play for us
at the pianoforte.

No, no, no. I insist.

I'm sorry I can't play.

At this.

The instrument is not to your satisfaction?

Charles, you must send for another immediatley.
She mean, she cannot play the piano.

Any piano, is that the truth of it, Miss Price?
How singular! But she can sing?

Of course, she can sing. All ladies can sing.
My sister shall accompany.

That won't be necessary.
I sing a song, my mother used to sing to me, when I was little.

What an instructive evening.

If all else falls, Miss Price, you shall not
want for supper, for you can sing.

Good night, gentlemen.

Money, the fortune to which you aspire
in the immediate instance,

may pass you by,

but I am certain you shall not starve.

No, I don't suppose I shall
on 27,000 a year.

Brava, Miss Price.

And whenever life
is gettin' me down,

I shall be sure to go downtown.

- Eh, Darcy?
- With alacrity.

Do you perform, Mr Darcy?

Not in your league, Miss Price.

Whoa, smoulder alert!

- I am for bed.
- Sleep well, madam.

Miss Price, I have found it difficult

to accommodate the knowledge of your...
private disposition.


I have directed my eyes as you ordained,

Miss Price.

Mm, I'm hungry.

Excellent. Excellent.

I shall send at once for gammon and eggs.
A brace of partridge.

Nothing too substantial. You've been ill.

It may have seemed
that I was unaware of your nursing me.

I was not.

I thank you for your kindness.

Of course I am quite delirious
with anxiety for Miss Bennet.

With her sister Elizabeth
being away for so long,

I am all behind, like a duck's taiI.

I understand your daughter
is sufficiently recovered to receive...

Behold this tea!

Does music give you pleasure,
Mr Darcy?

Good music played with esprit
cannot fall to please.

My daughter Mary
is prodigiously talented at music.

Mr Darcy thinks of Miss Price singing
when he speaks of esprit.

The fact she has 27,000 a year

does Iend sparkle
to her dreariest utterance.

- what? who told you that?
- She did.

Unbidden. Gleefully.

Am I not ghoulishly indiscreet?

- Hey.
- Oh, Jane.

My heart has not beaten right
since I discovered you were gone.

Oh. Oh!

I would never have allowed you out
in such a storm.

Mr Bingley, you are to be chided

- for drawing her here.
- Quite so, Mrs Bennet.

From start to finish my brother's
every action has been unpardonable.

Mr Bingley has been
the quiddity of kindness.

With the permission of my hosts,
l am quite ready to return home.

Come on, Bingers.

Oh. Right you are. Um...

I'll... bid you good day, madam.

That was pathetic.

Do you have brothers,
Miss Price?

- One brother, Kevin.
- Oh.

How lovely.

Does Kevin share
your commodious residence?

Oh, I wouldn't share a bag of chips with Kev
if it could be avoided.

He's pretty feral. He's 15.

Why doesn't he take a horse?
He cannot ride.

Why doesn't one of you take one?

They're not saddled.

To ride without a saddle
would be monstrously indelicate.

On the subject of indelicacy,

might I presume to advise you
as you have advised me?

Look to Mr Darcy.

He is an insufferable, proud man
but he has qualities, he must have,

that are not immediately apparent.

He is, after all, the bosom friend
of Mr Bingley.

The formidable size of Mr Darcy's income
makes us silly in his eyes, I know.

But you...

Your own wealth
renders his fortune dwarfish.

Such a woman he could respect.

Jane, Darcy is not for me.

Darcy is for Elizabeth.

It is her destiny to be with him
and it's yours to be with Bingley.

- I'm not fitted for Bingley.
- Mama!

See, we are rescued!

Oh, thank the Lord!


I rather form the impression you are satisfied
to meet his Majesty's mllitia.

Gentlemen, acquaint yourself with the roof.

We have acquired a most precious cargo
that must be stowed within.

To whom do we owe
the pleasure of this most felicitous offer?

Captain Wickham, madam.

All felicity is entirely mine.

You are too kind, Mr Wickham.

Can I press you to take a dish of tea?

Alas, madam, we are indefatigable
in the defence of the realm,

but I shall, if I may, call some other day
to pay my respects.

Back off, Wickham, I know you.

But I have not had the pleasure.

Get used to that.

The first duty of an officer is,
after all, gaiety.

- Mr Bennet...
- My dear Mrs Bennet.

How timely you are, at last.

Allow me to introduce my cousin,

Mr Collins.


I am honoured, sir.

I saw the carriage outside

- but I did not...
- Oh, no, naturally.

The fayton is one of a fleet of 1 5

Belonging to my patroness,

Lady Catherine de Bourgh.

She Ient it me
specifically for the purpose.

For the purpose, Mr Collins?

Of visiting you, Mrs Bennet.

And making the acquaintance
of your famously radiant daughters.

- Is it they I see peeking, I wonder?
- It is indeed.

Lydia... Stand correctly.

This is Lydia. And...

Come girls. Come, come. This is Kitty.

And Mary.

She is prodigiously talented at music.



Jane, my eldest daughter,
who has not been well

and is not Iooking her best.


Dearest cousins, alI.

Mr Bennet, you must exult like a sultan
when you gaze upon your adorable Iadies.

And this, therefore, is Miss Elizabeth.

Elizabeth is presently in town.

At this time of year?

Well, we shall not tell
Lady Catherine.

Her Ladyship is very firm
about the season.

Er, we have in her place
Miss Amanda Price.

You stay to dinner, Mr Collins?

Mr Collins stay the fortnight.

- Is that not the plan?
- Oh, two whole weeks.

We are so fortunate, Mr Bennet.

- Indeed, the Lord has smlled upon us.
- Oh.


Mary, your spectacles are fllthy.

Lydia, do you have St Vitus Dance?
I never beheld such a fidget.

Kitty, the drawing-up of phlegm
through the nose is not the action of a Iady.

Jane, you Ient Miss Price your sllken scarf.
Get it back.

For what is now afoot in this household is
neither for her benefit nor her entertainment.

I cannot impress upon you all
that sufficient...


Mr Collins must be given cause

to bind himself to us,

to love us, to...

to love one of us in particular.

Lord, let it be Kitty.


Mama, he is not... comely.

Do you think I jest?

I do not jest.

The woman Mr Collins marries be mistress
of this house when your father is dead.

Now think on that

and go about your business.


on the page, OK, he's pretty bad.

In the flesh he's all-time
king of the mingers.

He squeezes himself
through his trouser pocket.

You know the thing men do
when they think you can't see?

And then he sniffs his fingers!

Elizabeth, Iisten.

Collins is supposed
to marry Charlotte Lucas, OK?

But your mother is just taking your sisters
and just throwing them under him.

And Jane...

Jane's got to marry Bingley
and she thinks he doesn't give a damn.

And frankly, he's not acting like he does.

He does but he's so bloody repressed,
he can't express it.

I cannot do this without your help.

Big surprise, I have to.

Lizzie has told you, then, of our wretched
condition pertaining to our present guest.

Mrs Bennet prescribes
plenty of advantageous marriage.

It is a very sensible remedy

and it makes me feel like
a whoremonger.

It's not whoremongering
to bring together people who are in love.

To marry for money
is merely despicable.

To marry for beauty,

that is a great foolishness.

But my wife was a great beauty.

Let your daughters marry for love
and everything else come right.


Just... please don't allow any of them
to marry Mr Collins.

In as much as it is in my power
to allow anything in this famlly,

I shall strive to that end.

Not even the silliest of my daughters

deserves the Promethean misery
of marriage to Collins.

Mr Collins.

Such a pretty day.

You find me picking roses.

Every rose would be this litte hand
if it only could.

Sir, you kiss my glove.

I would kiss your every garment.

Charlotte... Miss Lucas.

We need to talk.

You and I got off on the wrong foot.
You caught me out about the pig.

It made you think I am a liar.

But I did not lie to you about Elizabeth.

I don't know her the way that you know
her but I know her very welI.

And she loves you, Charlotte.
You are her...

dearest, dearest friend.

This is all of a piece.

I am plain and rebarbative.

I'm 27 years old

and I am lonley and...

Listen, there is someone here
who's prepared to take you on.

I mean, dying to meet you.

Now move.

Oh, no.

- Mr Collins?
- Miss Price.

- You're going to ruin those trousers.
- It is a possibllity a man must face.

- I fear, Miss Price, we intrude.
- That's exactly what we do.

Mr Collins, I can't help noticing

that you are about to ask Miss Bennet here
to marry you.

That would be a bad mistake.

For the sake of her famlly,
she'd feel obliged to say yes.

But she's not the right person for you.
She just... isn't.

There is someone else here
who could give you love like no other.




You bring Miss Lucas
to Iend you the courage to tell me this.

I brought her because...
No, no, no. what?

No! The person I'm talking about...

Lady Catherine
urged me to seek out spirit.

"Seek out spirit, Mr Collins," she cried.

The person I'm talking about
is Charlotte Lucas.

But she is not the person
of whom I speak, Miss Price.

I wish you to instruct Miss Price
to quit this house.

At once, sir.

If you do not oblige me in this matter, sir,
l believe I shall scream.

I believe you shalI.

Allow me to distract you
with an observation.

Miss Price just announced
her engagement to Mr Collins.

There must be a reason for this.

Though, I confess, I...

The reason is to spit
on the territory of this deluded famlly.

Do you not think, Mrs Bennet,

it might be in the
interests of this "deluded famlly"

To treat kindly the future Mrs Collins?

Our survival,
as you so assiduously remind me, my dear,

at frequent intervals, depends on
Mr Collins thinking of us with affection.

I'm not really going to
have to marry Collins, am I?

Oh, God, I am.

I'm bewitched.
I no Ionger have possession of my souI.

You must find that a nuisance.

It's not a nuisance, Darcy.

It's a passion. It consumes me.

Yes. You must permit me
to remind you, Charles,

that yesterday your soul had passed
quite fully into the possession of Miss Price.

I was mistook. Lord, that was a fancy.

Today your consumption by passion
is the privllege of Miss Bennet.

Come to me in a year's time and protest
your love for Miss Bennet,

then shall I hear you.

Mr Bingley, Mr Darcy!

Our rather grizzly relation Mr Collins
is staying with us.

Don't say I said that.
You won't say I said that, you?

He's only been here one night
and he's proposed to Miss Price.

- Good Lord!
- Isn't it immense?

- ColossaI. Has she accepted him?
- They are to be married within a fortnight.

Come in and see this Collins for yourselves.

Oh, do say you shalI.

- We shalI.
- Hurrah! we shall have cake.

Are women not curious, Darcy?

That a girl as decorative as Miss Price,

who is not demonstrably occupied
with husband hunting,

should agree to marry this Collins?

Altogether a rum business.

It is composed of egregiously
rum ingredients.

So, let us view the sordid world
of the Bennets.

Bingley, if you don't wake up
and propose to Jane

and I end up married to Collins,

I shall have to invent mains electricity
and kill myself.

- well, isn't this nice?
- (Mrs Bennet sobs)

So, who here Iacks acquaintance?

Mr Bingley, let me present Mr Collins.

- And you, sir, are?
- Papa, this is our saviour,

- Captain Wickham.
- Very welI. Our saviour Captain Wickham.

This gentleman is Mr Darcy.

Mr Bennet, may I have
your permission to play the piano?

At this hour?
what would Lady Catherine say, Mr Collins?

Her Ladyship has impeccable manners.

She would merely pretend not to notice.

Do it, Mary.

Captain Wickham, I at least...

I understand
we must congratulate you, Miss Price.

Don't worry about me. All that matters
is that Jane remains free for Bingley.

But I must worry about you, Miss Price.

How you amuse yourself in a cottage
on the boundary

of my aunt's estate in the country?

you not miss the society
and cultural excitements of London?

Well, I... Um...

I intend to keep in touch.

Might we speak together
for a moment?

By all means.


Do not presume to address me
by my Christian name, Miss Price.

I may have few possessions to
dispose as I please but that is one of them.

You led me to suppose
that Mr Bingley loved me.

He does not.

Mr Collins was poised to make me an offer
that would save my father...

I know exactly how it looks,
but believe me, that isn't how it is.

Lady Ambrosia looks,
sounds and smells like a pig.

When the time comes,
l dare say she shall taste like a pig.

I call her a pig.

My dear?

You are not chatty.


The company of the Bennets
is indeed demeaning.

But when we are conjoined
in matrimony,

with my exalted patronage
and your... income,

we can turn our face
toward more distinguished Iiaisons.

I confess it, Miss Price,

you fascinate me.

I think you have endured
great hardship in your life,

as have I.

Oh, God.

Come on, then. Get it over with.
Give me the shtick.

Tell me all about Darcy robbing you
of what was rightfully yours.

So you have heard about this?

I read about it.

Take my tip, Wickham.
Don't waste your time with this lot,

especially Lydia,
because I'm watching you.

Every time you try to pull a stroke,

I be right behind you with a big neon sign,
saying, "Don't trust this guy!"

What is neon?

Wait and see.

Miss Price,

I fear

that your life with Mr Collins

may be short of... gaiety.

And if you find yourself nonplussed
by the anticipated pleasures of married life,

call upon me

and I shall redress the deficit.

Full marks for trying, George,

but I wouldn't have my deficit redressed
by you if you were the last man on earth.

- Oh, such great happiness.
- Ladies.

You, too. Stick with the plan.

Mr Bingley, you take a turn with me
around the garden?

I find myself fantastically interested
to see a vole.

Miss Bennet, Mr Bingley and I
are going to look for voles. Join us.

Who knows what we might discover.

Do say you , Miss Bennet.

I myself cannot navigate.

Without guidance I might easlly find myself
in the duck pond.

Right, you go that way,

I'll go this.

Sing out if you find anything.

What would you have me sing, Miss Price?

For I have found something of great interest.

- What?
- You. You are not what you seem.

I can't disagree with that.

I know you have
a very poor opinion of me.

That's the way you are at the moment
and that's OK.

But one day, Mr Darcy,
you thank me.

In the meantime you must
content yourself with a warning.

If you wound Bingley,

you find my displeasure baleful

and entirely unrelenting.

- For my...
- Good opinion once lost is lost forever.

Yes, I know.

I have an announcement to make.

I am persuaded by the wisdom
of Miss Price's advice and I am resolved...

to give a ball at Netherfield.

OK, I have cleaned my teeth with chalk,

shaved my legs
with some sort of potato peeler.

Oh, Lizzie, where are you?

I cannot face Darcy without backup.

Miss Price, might I just trifle
with your little...



You could park a bloody jumbo!

I mean, it's an impressive facade.

My dear, wait untll you behold
the clasping buttresses

of Lady Catherine de Bourgh.

I'll bet her buttresses are pretty hardcore.

Miss Amanda Dawn Price,

Mr william Zeal of the Lord Collins.

Zeal of the Lord?

My parents were most devout.

Ah, I see the others are here before us.

I do so like this dance, Mr Bingley.

- It is so delicate.
- Exceedingly delicate.

- Also, it affords one the chance to talk.
- Yes.

Mr Bingley,

it is clear that he sets
great store by your advice.

Put in a good word for my Jane, hm?

I certainly not hesitate
to make my opinion known.

That's better.

He really is the most intractable man
l ever met.

At Longbourn I said to him,

"Mr Darcy, I have a wager with my sisters

"that I can extract
three whole words from you."

Says he, "You lose." He's enough
to make one park a bloody jumbo!

Mr Darcy, you're not going to speak?

All right, you'll have to Iisten.
I am right about Bingley and Jane Bennet.

Why else would I marry a muppet like Collins?
To protect Jane. You'll see.

You'll also see
that I have the right woman for you.

You haven't met her yet
but you're going to love her.

It's your duty. I know everything.

Test me. Ask me
what I know about Wickham

and what he did to your litte sister.

Darcy has many virtues.

Gallantry on the dance floor
is not one of them.

For God's sake!

Wickham? Wickham, we're so confused.

If Miss Price has such an income,
why does she borrow Elizabeth's clothes?

- The rich do as they please.
- I have litte enough interest in clothes,

but even I would have
a dress run up for a ball if I could.

- It is most eccentric.
- Hm.

Wickham, you cannot make a face like that
and not explain it.

- Alas, I am sworn to secrecy.
- No, that not do. This is the country.

In the country to keep a secret means
that you tell it only to one person at a time.

- We three count as one.
- Then I have no choice.

The sartorial diffidence,
the general demeanour of Miss Price

may be ascribed to the...

oceanic origins of her fortune.

Maritime insurance?

No, not exactly.

Right, this is good.

Is she not glorious?

Miss Bennet, Darcy.

What's your opinion of her now?

You must not ask me, Charles.
What I say may wound you.

Oh, it cannot.

I'm in love. I'm invulnerable, like Ajax.

Ajax cut his own throat
in a fit of pique.

Don't quibble, Darcy.

Miss Bennet is the instrument
of Miss Price.

Miss Price is quite possibly
the instrument of Satan.

A fool and his money. The Bennets have
not a farthing. This is all a plot to gull you.

I don't care.

If you refuse to connect your actions to
their inevitable consequences, you are a chlld.

Charles, the Bennet father fiddles
whlle his fortune burns.

The mother, accordingly, is on the make.
The daughters are her pawns.

Miss Price gazes down
on the whole pack of them

and twists the strings
to make them dance for her amusement.

They're all tainted.

Please have a care.

Miss Bingley.

It is a triumph.

I cannot conceive a more accomplished,
elegant hostess.

Not even Lady Catherine de Bourgh?

- Oh. Oh, I...
- Do not tax yourself, Mr Collins.

It makes you look like a fish.

It is my pleasure...

Of course it is.
But what type of fish, Miss Price?

A cod?

A carp?

I'm not an authority on fish.

Fish are in your blood. Curious image,

but you take my meaning.

Don't ask me.
I've never understood her as a character.

I need a drink.


"Good money to be made in mongering fish,"
says Wickham.

Though, of course,
Miss Price's father has drunk it all away.

On guard, Charles. You're being pursued
by one of the Misses Bennet.

I can't say for certain which one.
Ah, the lolloping one.

Lollops about after you
like a litte spaniel.

Oh, here she comes.

Miss Bennet, I do so like your dress.

- Such wonderful materiaI.
- Thank you. Charles, do go on.

Mr Bingley, you forget,
you promised me this dance.

I have not forgotten.

Alas, events have overtaken my promise.
I am now engaged here.

- Woof!
- Caroline...

What is the noun of assembly
for all these Bennets?


Grasp? Infestation?

I do as I am advised by Darcy
to safeguard the honour of our name.

But I not tolerate unkindness.
Is that understood?

I bring unfortunate news
of Lady Catherine.

- Has she died?
- No. No!

But her good opinion of her parson
is gravely imperilled.

Lady Catherine could not entertain a union

in which the dowry was founded
on fruits of the sea.

The disciplines episcopal,
if I might peek a litte into my own future,

and piscatorial
could never combine with propriety.

Do you understand?


A man marked for a bishopric
cannot marry the daughter of a fishmonger.

It not do.


I withdraw my offer of marriage.

A fishmonger?

Who told you that?

It is common knowledge.

You litte tinker.

Miss Price,
now that our formal relations are...

at an end,

might I offer you a morsel of guidance?

If you think that's wise.

It is unseemly for you
to pursue the society

of persons like Mr Darcy.

No, I am not candid.

It was unseemly
when you were misthought a lady.

Now that you are disclosed as an impostor,
it is a towering impertinence.

To be direct, I find, is best.

Me, too.


I do believe Miss Price
just assaulted Mr Collins.


Is this an extra entertainment we have laid on?

Miss Price.

- Still here?
- Indeed.

An oversight you are now
at lliberty to correct.

This is the ball at Netherfield.

Elizabeth's not here.

You're throwing me out
for kneeing Collins in the balls.

It isn't...

quite how I imagined it.

I suppose he gets used to it, God,

having fleets of cherubims
singing hosannas to him

for all eternity.

I shouldn't care for it.

How was the dancing? Was it gruesome?

You are more of use to this famlly

than all your sisters together.

For you are...


and kindly

and obedient.

And in the morning
you shall come prettlly to breakfast

and sit beside Mr Collins

that he may see this lovely, lovely
long neck.

Miss Bennet, good morning.

Good morning, Mr Collins.

What a bloody mess!

On the whole, Miss Price,
l find myself decided as to my future.

- I am for Africa.
- Africa?

That be safe?

I doubt it, but I mean
to devote myself there as a missionary.

l cannot say Lizzie has behaved well.

Jane smlles and laughs but she is wounded
that her sister is not come to see her wed.

In Hammersmith this means
we part as friends.

The time is come, Miss Price,

when we cannot, in all conscience,
detain you further with our hospitality.

Upon your return to Longbourn,
you will collect what is yours

and surrender what is not,
and you will Ieave my house.

Are you very angry
about my fishy tales?

My dad's an accountant.

Much more interesting if he actually was
a fishmonger.

How very alike we are, Miss Price.

We see the world the same way.

We have the same scent.

I can smell myself on you.

Why didn't you do something about it?

Collins is ghastly.

How would you like to go to bed and have
his hand slithering all over your arse?

- Miss Price!
- I'm sorry, but...

My God, I'm so close
to jacking this whole thing in.

But you...

You should not have given up.

It was badly done, Bingley.

Badly done.

And now you're running away.

It's not that I am especially weak,
Miss Price,

but that my friend is strong.

He construes truly where others falter.

I am a falterer.

I rely on his construction.


This is what is so frustrating.

You're better than this.

I know you are because I've had you
in my head, Fitzwilliam Darcy,

since I was 12 years old.

So why are you behaving
like such a total git?

Jane has no money.
So what? Bingley's got stacks.

What right have you to trash their love
because of an accident of birth.

There is no accident in birth.

- Do you know why I am so angry?
- You were born thus.

I have been in love with your life
for 14 years.

Cut my heart out, Darcy,
it's your name written on it with Elizabeth's.

God almighty, here you are.

One half of the greatest love story
ever told.

You. And do you know what?
You don't deserve her.

Is this interview concluded?
It is very difficult to tell.

You are such a disappointment,
l can hardly bear to look at you.

A deprivation I shall endure
as stoically as I can.

You're so relentlessly unpleasant.

- I just can't get at the real you.
- Madam...

Behold, Fitzwilliam Darcy.

I am what I am.

If you find yourself unable "to get at"
an alternative version,

I must own to being glad.

I despise the intrusions of a woman

so singularly dedicated
to mendacity, disorder and lewdness.

They repel me.

You repel me.

You are an abomination, madam.
Good afternoon to you.

If I dream about him tonight,
l shall be really angry.

I'm going to dream about him.

Well, I hope in my dream you choke.

Hateful man!