Looking (2014–2015): Season 2, Episode 3 - Looking Top to Bottom - full transcript

♪ for she's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ for she's a jolly
good fellow ♪

♪ for she's
a jolly good fellow ♪

- Aw! Fudgie the whale? Really?
- ♪ which nobody can deny ♪

You guys got a fudgie!
I love fudgie.

What, did you guys ship this from
Long Island? You guys, ridiculous!

Remind me, though, I do have to save a
piece for my husband. He loves fudgie.

Yeah, guys!

She... she seriously wasn't joking!

I can't believe you didn't
know she had a husband.

She talks about him
all the time.



Meredith is more of a man than
you and I combined, Patrick.

Her wallet has a chain on it.

It's hard for me to take
you seriously in that sweater.

People are going
crazy for this sweater.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Anyway,
on to the real news.

After all the back and forth,

me and you are back on
for this weekend.

- Oh my God!
- Starting tomorrow,

we have 28 solid hours.

No, no, no, you can't do that.
I've already made plans.

Oh, come on.

- Patrick, cancel them.
- No.

I can't just drop everything
whenever you're free.



It's Dom's
first gay rugby game.

- Patrick.
- And what if you change

your plans at the last minute?

Like when I was sitting in the Castro
watching "The Exorcist" all by myself?

- I'm definitely all yours.
- And you know

how much I hate
the devil children.

Fine, then don't
cancel your plans,

- but take me with you.
- Right.

- Wait, really?
- Yeah.

Hey. Uh...

I come in peace...

And sober...

With Roosevelt's tamales

and a little juicy fruit
from the dispensary.

No pupusas?

You were passed out by a pupusa
cart last time I saw you.

- Eesh.
- Mmm.

Yeah, that's one of the
reasons why I'm here.

Uh, is this an okay time?

Flip the sign for me.

So the other night, um...

I'm pretty sure I didn't
deserve anything from you

but just walkin' on by.

And you didn't.

I'm... grateful, man.

What's the other reason?

Dude, when you
and Paddy were together,

the shit that I pulled...

- We're going back there, huh?
- Look, I was going through my own shit

at the time,
and I let it infect

the good thing that was happening
between the two of you.

You don't know how close I was to
punching your ass out that day.

Is it because you're in love
with him or what? What is it?

Who? Patrick?

No, man.
Ugh, gross. No offense.

So you were just being
an asshole for no reason.

Awesome. That's great.

Patrick send you down here?

No. No, it was my idea.

My brilliant idea.

Uh, I'm just gonna go.

Know what? Why don't
you grab a seat?

We're closed, but that, uh,

bush on your face...
Seriously?

Hey. Hey. We need to be cleaner.

There are disgusting
things in corners

and on edges
all over this place.

Okay. Why are we being...

- Kevin's staying over tomorrow.
- Oh. Oh!

Are he and Jon not...

No, no, Jon's just out
of town for the night.

Oh. All right. I'll guess I'll
just stay somewhere else.

- Let you two go crazy.
- Oh God. Right.

It is crazy, isn't it?
I don't know. Is it crazy?

I don't know if I'm gonna
be able to have sex with him

on a bed without bed bugs
and cum stains.

- Why are there no cum stains?
- What are we going to do?

Are we gonna fuck? Are we
gonna cuddle, watch TV?

Do you think
we should order in?

Okay, okay, hey, hey.

You two can do
whatever you want, right?

Think of it like a test drive
for the two of you.

Right.

Hey, um, what are
you doing right now?

This is the most
annoying part about being gay.

Straight people never
have to think about

shooting water up
their asses before sex.

Straight people are having
butt loads of butt sex, trust me.

Okay, let's just make this
quick. What's the best one?

Are you serious right now?

I... haven't ever needed.

I have more
of a "self-cleaning oven."

That is the stupidest
thing I've ever heard you say.

- Haven't you and Kevin...
- Yes, yes, we've been,

but it's been more spur of the moment,
never so, you know, premeditated.

- It's not murder, Patrick.
- Okay, I don't need

one of your sex-positive
talks right now.

Oh, put the douche down.
You're not gonna need that.

Oh, come on,
don't I wanna feel...

"As fresh as a
Mountain stream after a rain"?

Is that what's going on?

You still think
that getting fucked

makes you the girl
in the relationship?

No, no. I am totally, officially
versatile and loving it.

You kind of have to
be with this one.

Two.

And I am not having
a colonoscopy tomorrow.

- See how sex-positive I can be?
- Mm-hm.

Oh, honey,
do you know where you live?

Your beard is half-gone.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
It's the new me. Huh?

I like it. Slowly returning
to the world of the living.

Ever so slowly. Yeah.

You know,
Richie did a good job.

I don't understand.

I'm trying
to be a better person.

And he just accepted that
and trimmed your beard?

Oh, hell no.
He let me have it first.

But then, yeah.

Because he's the better person
that you're trying to be.

Maybe. You should
definitely call him, though.

Yeah? Did he say that,
that I should call?

No, but I think you
shouldn't throw away

that connection that
you two have. Right?

I don't know. I don't think
Richie wants to be friends.

Oh, Jesus, look where we are.
You're all buddies with Richie

and I'm cleaning
out my ass for Kevin.

Oh, we should take a picture.
For Dom, right?

- Okay, with the enema?
- Yeah, with the enema. Fuck, yeah.

Okay. Oh,
and when you text him,

tell him that I said I'm bringing
Kevin to his game tomorrow,

- but just as a friend.
- What? Are you serious?

Yes, I'm serious.
Take the picture.

This shirt
is two sizes too small.

Look.

I can't foresee too many
complaints about that.

Agustín is gonna make
some bitchy comment,

and Patrick's
bringing Kevin as a friend.

Why did I invite anyone to this?
I barely know how to play.

Just... Will
you just calm down?

I'm serious!

- Calm down.
- I'm serious... oh, oh!

Jesus! What the fuck?!

Please tell me again why it was
so important that we stay here?

Because we always
stay at your place.

I know. Can't we just
agree that my house

is nicer and never
come back here?

Oh, bitch. Well, your
mattress is way nicer.

- Mm...
- I'll give you that.

No!

No, I am not a morning person!

And it's not like college at all.

Baby, look, we got the Saturday
morning special going right now.

Oh, okay. This is
like the morning cartoons?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. 'Cause that's

exactly what
you're giving me.

- What does that mean?
- Scooby Doo.

No, no, baby.
Scooby dong.

Scooby dong.
Look, look.

- Ready for action.
- Oh my God! Oh my God!

I've not seen that
in the daylight, man.

- Did I do that?
- Yes.

Oh my God, I'm talented.

I'm worth something.
We should probably be quiet.

- I think Dom's on the phone.
- Okay, what is up with you two?

What do you mean?

I mean, I don't know.

Two grown-ass 40-year-olds
still doing the roommate thing.

All right,
first of all, ish. 40-ish.

- Excuse me, two 40-ishes.
- And you know what?

If it freaks
you out so much,

why don't you get your
boss to do something

about the freaking
rents in this town.

Maybe I will. Maybe I'll do that
one better if you ask nicely.

Um, feel free to do
what you need to do.

Well, just come back quick, please.
'Cause I can't...

I could rev it up, but I can't
get it started without you.

Hey, I... oh my God!

Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck, I'm naked.

Okay, whatever, Lynn.

Scoot over.

- I'm sorry.
- Malik is here.

We heard. The third time?
Third time lucky?

Yes, yes. Oh my God.

I don't want to oversell this
guy, okay, but he's everything.

I feel like I'm... I'm completely
turned inside out right now.

Is the back of my head
caved in?

Oh, and also,
by the way, it turns out

rimming... not just
for the gays anymore.

- What?
- Don't be jealous, Lynn.

- You rimmed him?
- No! God, no! He rimmed me!

I think he rimmed me. Whatever! He
was all up in there. He's very assy.

Let's discuss
this over breakfast.

Oh...

I worked with him
for three years,

and then once he got
appointed mayor...

You segued into
the administration.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

All right,
do you see why this

is never gonna work?
It's all politics

all the time with this guy.

It's like dating Rachel Maddow.

You know, honestly,
I get that a lot.

People stop me
on the street, like,

"Ain't you that tall,
white lesbian with the big glasses?"

Oh, yeah, all the time.
All the time.

By the way, mostly black women.
It's very weird.

Really?

Yeah. I spent a lot
of time in the South.

Lynn, are you gonna come
cheer on Dom today?

I'm gonna try, but we've got
two weddings today, so...

I completely
didn't even ask you.

You had your lunch yesterday
with the investor guy, right?

- Uh-huh.
- Okay, what happened?

- Wait, with Jack?
- Yeah.

You didn't tell me
that was yesterday.

There's nothing to tell.
He didn't even

bring up investing
in my place. Not once.

He just kept talking about
me managing his new restaurant.

- Managing?
- Yeah.

All right, I hope you
told him to fuck off.

- Wait, the new restaurant in Soma?
- Mmm.

That's...
That's a success.

He wants you to manage it?

Lynn, I'm practically
a manager at Zuni.

Yeah, but you're not.

I mean, technically,
you're still waiting.

And I know you want to just
jump right into your own thing,

but maybe Jack's thinking that
this could be, like, a first step.

See how you do there,
then start talking

to you about, you
know, your own place.

Or...

Or this idea sucks.

And, you know,

do whatever you want,
whatever you think.

So, so sexy.

You waited?
Hm.

- Hello.
- Hey.

You all right?

- Yeah.
- Good.

You know, we, uh... we don't have
to do this if you don't want to.

I mean, everybody's gonna be there.
We could just,

you know, rent some bikes, maybe
grab some lunch in Sausalito.

Okay. Uh... no.

I say we just stick
to the plan.

Okay. Is there a bar
around here, somewhere?

- Yeah. Just down there.
- Good, good.

Because I think
we both could use

- a little Dutch courage.
- Absolutely,

and I don't even
know what that is.

So is this like a pub that you
would go to normally in England?

Uh, no, it's not shitty
enough to be a Romford Pub.

Romford? Okay.

I'm picturing, like, rolling
hills and tennis courts.

- Is it like wimbledon?
- Uh, no.

It is not at all like Wimbledon.
It's much more hideous.

So what would you...
What would you, like,

do for fun in Romford?

Mm... I don't know.

Just do what most kids do.

Actually, my friend Toby and I,

we'd just spend all our spare
time designing new board games.

No way! Me too!

Well, not all my spare time,

but I actually
made up this space game

where you had
to mine for uranium.

You would mine for uranium?

Yeah, right? Paging Dr. Freud.

- One, two, three!
- Roll, fog, roll!

Let's go! Let's go!

Go, go, go!

Dom, won't be too much longer.
Danny's already lookin' beat-up.

Whoo! Go, Dom!

- Dom's going in.
- Yes!

- What, is he going in?
- No, he's standing up.

Something's happening.

Does anyone know what
they're actually doing,

except for, like,
being all porny

and I want a naked calendar
of them on my fridge right now?

- What is your name again?
- Eddie.

And Agustín promised me a hot
shower orgy after the game,

so I better get one.

Really? Yeah, I was. I was
a horrible, little bastard

- of a teenager.
- Oh, I just...

I simply don't believe it,
because you're so charming now.

Thank you. I know
it's hard to believe...

- Yeah.
- But I was very different back then,

and suppose I was the cliché

of the angry young man
whose mother had walked out.

Really? Your mom left?

What... what did she leave for?

To do her thing.

I don't blame her.
You know?

My dad was my dad,
and she'd met someone.

I didn't talk to her
for... for ages,

but, uh, it's cool,
because we talk now.

That must have
been really tough.

Mm.

But it gave an excuse to
get in all sorts of trouble.

I think in the end

I just needed to the get
the fuck out of Romford.

And then you came to America like
all the brave pilgrims before you.

I did. I'm an alien
of extraordinary abilities,

and they're all still stuck at
home playing my video games.

Wait, you're an... what is an
alien... an alien of what?

Buh-buh-uh! It's, uh...

That's my Visa.

Oh, yes, right. Oh, the Visa.
Of course. Right.

Yep. I've only got
two more years left on it.

So, uh, I'd better
get married, or else...

Back to Romford.

Huh.

Let's do it.

- Do what?
- Go to the match.

Oh, yeah. My Dutch
courage has kicked in.

- Oh, good, me too.
- Drink up.

Go!

- Dom's in!
- Oh, shoot!

- All right. Awesome.
- Hello.

- Good timing.
- We're here.

Eddie, you remember Patrick,
right?

And this is Kevin,
Patrick's boss, and bud.

- Hey, man.
- How are you?

- Hello.
- Hello.

Oh, here we go.

- Come on, Dom!
- Ball's out! Ball's out!

What are they saying?

Uh, they're shouting
"ball's out."

Oh. Ooh.

Yeah, no, it's not some
kind of testicle mishap,

it just means that the
ball is out of the scrum.

You say words real pretty like.

Did you grow up playing, Kevin?

No, too common, thank you.

I played footie...
Soccer to you guys.

But I know rugby.
Uh, for instance,

that, um, that otter

is the flanker,

those two bears there
are the props,

and that little guy over there

who you know gets fucked
by the entire scrum

is the hooker.

I think I just
jizzed my shorts.

You know so much about this.

So do you have
a boyfriend, sexy?

Oh, uh, you know, let's get
more juice boxes. Yeah?

Oh my God, cock block.
Actually, Eddie...

Yes, Eddie,
I do have a boyfriend.

Oh, and where is this
boyfriend today?

Jon is in San Diego for work.

Pics, please.
Let's see this Jon.

Okay. I thought you had
something going on

with cutie Irish spring
over here.

Us? No, no, no,
we just game together.

Oh, ball's out! Ball's out!

All right!
There we go, Dom!

- Ooh!
- Oh my God!

- Shit!
- Oh!

Is he okay?

Okay. Is he faking it 'cause
he has to look macho?

Too late.
Damn it.

So, uh, turns out Patrick is
having a fuckfest with his boss,

- that brit, tonight.
- I knew it!

I'm never wrong, you bastards.

So I need
a place to stay the night.

I was thinking... hm?

Honey, I work at a shelter.
I don't run one.

Come on, man. It'll be fun.

We can torrent
"Romy and Michele."

We'll get some mochi ice cream.

Only if it's chocolate.

Guys, you wanna hear
some football chants?

- Yeah.
- Uh, Dom!

Give us a wave.
I said, Dom, Dom!

Give us a wave.
I said, Dom!

Give us a wave!
I say Dom, Dom!

Give us a wave!
I say Dom!

Give us a wave!
I say Dom, Dom!

Give us a wave!
I say Dom!

Give us a wave!
I say Dom! Dom!

Give us a wave!
I say Dom!

Give us a wave!
I say Dom, Dom!

Give us a wave!
I say Dom, Dom!

Give us a wave! I say Dom, Dom!

Give us a wave!
I say Dom, Dom!

Give us a wave! I say Dom, Dom!
Give us a wave!

Everyone made out under the bleachers
on a Friday night except me.

And now it's time
to correct that?

Well, this isn't exactly
under, but... it'll do fine.

- I think something just happened.
- Yeah, it certainly did,

and we're now getting
the fuck out of here.

First-timer scores
the winning try.

It's all downhill
from here, Dommy.

He's probably right about that.

I don't know. Looks like the
mark of a champion to me.

Oh. Don't feel a thing.

Ah. Numb in the glow
of victory.

Yeah. Talk to me tomorrow.

Hey, I don't think
I ever told you I, uh,

I really liked your pop-up.

- Excuse me?
- Restaurant.

- Your pop-up restaurant.
- Thanks for clarifying.

Yes, yes. No, I've been to, like,
four or five others since then.

And they really made
yours stand out. Honestly.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

Lynn says he hooked
you up to manage Jack's

new place in Soma?
I love that place.

Sorry, Lynn... hooked me up?

Yeah. Yeah, he said he told
Jack you'd be a great manager.

I think I get it now. Gay rugby is all
about the showers afterwards, right?

That's right.

Hey, how did he do?

Oh, hey. Uh...

Yeah, he, well, I'm sorry
to tell you, he won,

so we're gonna
go meet the boys,

but I think that means
that you're buying. Right?

- Well, okay.
- Hey!

Hey!

- Congrats.
- Can you give us a second?

- Yes.
- She just... you won the game?

- Yeah.
- You won... I'm sorry I...

But apparently, I'm
buying drinks, so...

Did you know?

That my meeting
with Jack was always

just for a management job
and nothing else.

I...

I knew that he was
looking for someone,

and I know that
he has a lot of money.

You want to fumble
a little more?

If I told you that, you
wouldn't have gone, would you?

Stop telling people
that I'd take a manager job.

That's not what I am.
That's not what I'm going to be.

Dom, your reaction, it's...

- I'm just trying to help.
- I didn't ask for help.

You were the one who
said you didn't want

to get involved in
any business dealing.

Didn't you tell me that?

- Yes.
- Then don't.

Come on,
let's get a drink.

"Finding the boyfriend within"?

Uh, no,
back on the shelf, please.

All you need to know
is that it takes a real man

to admit that he reads
self-help books at times.

I'm sorry, I can't rip
my eyes from these pages.

This is suggesting that you...
You take yourself out on a date.

Have you...
Have you done that?

No, correction. You take the
boyfriend within out on a date.

Which is you, your inner boyfriend.
Did you do that?

Oh, please, please tell me.

I promise I'll put it
back on the shelf.

- I did.
- My God!

Well, you know, I am impressed.

Thank you.

How... how did it go
for the two of you?

You know, it was good
at first, actually.

He was a little quiet,
a little internal.

But then the real trouble started when
I realized that my boyfriend within

hates this fucking book.

Oh God.

I did read that, though.

Well...

I think he sounds hot,

this inner boyfriend.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What, what, what, what, what?

We actually get to take
our time tonight, right?

So... why don't we?

I like this Patrick.

Master of his domain.

What shall we do... master?

I love this.
This is such a good choice.

Hey.

Oh. Sorry. You're buzzing.
In your pocket. It's okay.

I think I would
have sex with her, right?

If I was gonna go for a girl.

Or maybe I'd do a three-way
with both of them.

Would you do
a three-way with them?

I'd do a three-way with you
and your inner boyfriend.

Your turn.

Really?

Yup.

But I'm fresh
as a Mountain stream.

What?

Nothing.

Let's do this.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I'm gonna cum.

- You're gonna cum?
- I'm gonna... yeah.

Fuck, I'm gonna cum.
Oh, fuck! Oh!

Oh, I'm gonna fucking...

Oh shit!

Oh my God.

Oh fuck. Oh, fucking...

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, fuck!

Hey, baby. Hey.

Sorry. I must have took an
early dinner and crashed out.

Yeah, no, I just saw you'd called
when I got up to take a piss.

How was the game?