Look (2010): Season 1, Episode 8 - Episode #1.8 - full transcript
The coked-up Stella gets nabbed shoplifting, and Lenny, who has a checkered past of his own, shows little support. Meanwhile, Dan goes out of his way again to embarrass Andy on TV, but takes him out for a drink afterward. Elsewhere, Hannah (Dan's daughter) and her crew party it up at a local strip club. Officers Munson and Lewis run into a foul-mouthed, drunken character during a routine traffic stop, but when they arrest him for DUI, he claims to he a Russian diplomat with diplomatic immunity.
(static buzzing)
- [Presenter] Previously on Look.
- She feeling up some guy's ass
while I'm pouring out my
soul to the record execs
that didn't even fucking show.
- You're being a pussy again, man!
A real man says fuck off
and he means it and he's done.
- My first official
date with Molly Hoffman.
Will he get lucky tonight or won't he?
- [Woman] Don't tell anybody about this.
- [Man] I won't.
- Especially that little bitch
girlfriend of yours, Molly.
Make her think you love her,
so she can finally get fucked.
- [Man] I've heard enough
about that little bitch.
Let's make some porn.
- It looks stupid, Andy.
I look like a clown out there.
- Well, isn't that what made you famous?
- You want me to hip up?
I'll grow a mustache or something.
- A mustache?
- It was a friendly butt slap.
You know, like in baseball.
- Like in baseball?
- Yeah.
- Am I a fucking moron?
- I am so sick of your
possessive bullshit.
I'm out, I'm out.
I'm done, it's over, okay?
- Okay.
- And this time for good.
- My son got lost in the mall.
Those security guys were so professional.
They found Max in, like, five minutes.
Thank God, for surveillance cameras.
That's all I have to say.
- You have a son?
- Wow, look at this guy.
(tires squeaking)
All right, we got a live one here.
- Jesus.
- Whoa.
Whoa!
- Fucking crazy.
- Oh, wow.
(trans cans banging)
What an idiot.
Gonna get this one on video.
(knocking)
- Can you open your window, sir?
(window whirring)
(knocking)
All the way down, sir.
(window whirring)
Have you been drinking?
(window whirring)
Sir, have you been drinking tonight?
Open the God damn window!
Sir, have you been drinking tonight?
- No, no.
Oh, it's bright! whoops
- Can you get out of the car, sir?
(groans)
- Sir, can you turn off the
car and get out of the car?
(mechanical whirring)
- Lewis!
Get me out of here.
Fuck.
Jesus fuckin'.
I'm stuck.
I got it, I got it.
- You got it out?
Jesus, get out of the car.
Get out of the car.
(laughing)
- Okay, okay.
- Turn around, hands behind your back.
- I'm sorry.
- Hands behind your back.
Up against the car.
- Hey, I was just trying to be funny.
- Funny?
What are you, a fucking comedian?
(laughing)
- Whoa, no dinner first?
Straight for the balls.
- Don't move, don't move.
Hold on, don't move.
- Massage my asshole while you're at it.
- Turn around for a second.
- All right, where are
you from, smart guy?
- (laughs) I'm from the
planet fuck you pig,
we only eat bacon.
- This guy, you're a regular riot, huh.
- Sir, I need your license
and your registration.
- Hey, which one of you guys is the top
and which one of you is the bottom?
You look like the top.
But I bet you like taking
it up your ass, don't you?
This guy is a comedian.
(giggling)
- Sir, you don't understand.
I need to see your fucking license
and your fucking registration.
- No, you don't understand.
It's right where I left it!
Right up your grandma's butt.
(spits)
- What the fuck.
Jesus Christ.
(laughing and yelling)
- Get the fuck over here.
- Huh, what the fuck
is the matter with you?
- Get him over here.
- Come here.
- Hey!
- Get him over there.
- I got it.
(laughing)
- What the fuck is the
matter with you, huh?
You are so going to fucking jail.
Stay down!
- Hey, if you fuck my ass,
don't forget about my reach
around thing, all right?
- Shut the fuck up.
- Look at this.
(wheezing)
- It's hot.
- That yours?
- Finally, it took you
so long to get me a drink
you little son of a bitch.
- Let's see who exactly
we're dealing with here.
- Ivan, hi, Ivan,
Ivan Cherenkov, from Minsk.
(laughs)
Uncuff him.
- What?
- That's right.
- Uncuff him.
- You heard the man, uncuff me
before a mule kick you in the balls.
Come on!
- Uncuff him?
- He's a Russian dude.
- That's right, bitch.
- You gotta be fucking kidding me.
- Diplomatic immunity.
Suck 'em dead, you little bitch.
(officer mumbles)
- I oughta bitch slap you.
What the fuck, I oughta bitch slap you!
On the ground, you little
piece of shit, little bitch.
Little bitch!
- Fucking do it.
- Yeah, look at him.
He so wants to hit me
right now, doesn't he?
Don't you little bitch!
- Mr. Cherenkov!
Sir, why don't you let us drive you home.
That way you don't pose a
risk to yourself or others.
- I piss on you.
And I piss on your wife.
I'm gonna fuck her in the ass real good.
I just want you to know that.
- We can't just let him drive away.
We're not just letting
him fucking drive away.
- Oh, yeah!
- Get in the car.
- Read the Vienna Convention
on Diplomatic Relation
you fucking pig.
- You know what, you
want to have an incident?
- Sir!
- Right now, let's have a
fucking international incident
right fucking now.
Give me the fucking keys.
- Diplomatic convention immunity?
- That's correct.
- Give me my fucking key.
- You like that?
Good luck driving home.
- Yeah.
- What the fuck!
- Let's go, get in.
- Fucking idiot.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are my fucking keys?
No fucking way!
You're not going anywhere.
What the fuck, what the fuck!
(mumbles) You fucking assholes!
(suspenseful music)
(calm music)
(children playing)
(suspenseful music)
(sniffs and yells)
(hangers clanging)
- Uh oh, looks like we
got a live one, Russ.
- Fucking bitch.
- Gary, we got a white woman
on the second floor dressing room
shoplifting a bunch of shit.
Get there right now.
(sniffs and gasps)
- Damn, is she snorting coke?
- Yeah, I'd fuck that bitch though.
- Hell yeah, if I was (mumbles).
- Looks like she's in her middle ages.
I'd say around--
- I'd still tear that whole ass up.
- She's a cougar.
She's a cougar.
Oh my God, how I would do a cougar.
(sniffs and gasps)
- I'd set her down and just go (grunts).
- What are you doing, boy?
- Oh my gosh, come on.
- Can you think of all the
things she'll do to you?
(smacks lips)
- Oh my gosh,
she showed me wonderland, son. (laughs)
(suspenseful music)
- Welcome to ballet class.
La, la, la, la, la.
(laughs)
- Okay, very good, first
position, and tondu.
- Woo, Hannah, show 'em
what you're made of.
- Here we go, and we're
going to arabesque.
Bring up legs.
Bring down just slightly, right there.
Extend your fingers a little more.
Beautiful, you're reaching, very good.
Okay, come down.
Very good, Hannah, very good.
One thing though, watch
your placement, okay?
- Okay.
- All right, Deedee, you're up next.
(bangs on floor)
- What the fuck is your fucking problem?
- What are you talking about?
You fell on your own.
- You just fucking tripped me!
(indistinguishable yelling)
- Stop it.
- Do you think you
fucking own this school?
- Didn't I just say stop it?
- Miss LaFontaine, Hannah
just fucking tripped me.
I almost broke my nose.
Are you going to do something about this?
- Stop, stop!
Deedee, you know I have
a zero tolerance policy
for language like that in my sanctuary.
And you know what, let
me tell you something.
If you speak like a lady,
then maybe I'll be able to hear you,
until then, office.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye, you are done for the day.
- This is fucking bullshit.
(stomping)
- Ms. LaFontaine, I
swear on my mother's eyes
I didn't trip her.
- Don't worry about it, I
know you didn't, Hannah.
(banging on floor)
but you know what,
you're done for the day.
Why don't you go and freshen up, okay?
Gabby, you're up.
Let me see your first position.
Very good, let me see your tondu.
- Wait, is it rolling, yes.
Good day, today we're gonna
try and catch a glimpse
of one of nature's most
illusive creatures,
the two breasted booty bitch.
Let's see if this usually shy animal
is willing to make an
appearance for our cameras.
(safari music)
(immitates monkey)
Crickey, there's the two
breasted booty bitch now.
(screaming)
- Get out of here!
What are you doing?
- We used to be bathing
in a local watering hole.
- (groaning) I'm taking a shower!
(animals bellowing)
- The two breasted booty
bitch is attacking our group.
Stand back, mates.
No one is quite sure what
these animals are capable of.
- You're gonna get Chase's camera wet!
- Who the fuck is Chase?
- Yeah, work it baby.
(whooing)
Oh my God, the mating dance
of the two breasted booty bitch.
Nobody has ever seen
such a remarkable event.
This is one for the National
Geographics channel.
- Molly, get out of here!
Get out of here!
- You know you love it.
- Yeah, we're just waiting
on her door right now.
It's too much.
- My mind has been a
million miles away lately.
I don't know what I was thinking,
but I do know that I didn't do
anything illegal on purpose.
Okay, I mean, I guess I
just threw on my dress
over these things not
knowing they were still on.
I mean, I'm rich for God's sake.
Why would I have to shoplift?
Here, look.
I have a black American Express card.
Do you know how rich you have to be
to have a black American Express card.
I will pay for this shit right now.
- Yeah, I'm not a cashier, Miss Gerber.
My job here at the mall
is to maintain order.
Now, the police will arrive shortly
and you can sort it out with them.
- Police, what do you mean police?
- We interface with local law enforcement
whenever state or federal laws
are broken on the premises.
And, you have over five hundred dollars
worth of merchandise here,
and that constitutes
grand theft, Miss Gerber.
- It was an accident, okay.
I mean, God, I'm in massive hurry.
Can't you see that I gotta go
pick up my kids from school.
Look, why don't we just work this out
between the two of us.
- I'm sorry, Miss Gerber,
I don't take brides.
- It's not a bribe.
I love your tattoos.
I love the way they just
peek out from underneath
that conservative uniform of yours.
You know, like there's an animal in there,
lurking, waiting to get out.
- Please sit down, Miss Gerber.
- Come on, you and me.
I'm not gonna mince words.
Let's just cut to the chase.
I will suck it 'til your
heads caves in, baby.
I will fuck you right here on the table.
Come on, baby, you know you want it, huh.
Who's gonna know, huh?
- Miss Gerber, I'm a happily married man.
So, please sit down and stop
making a spectacle of yourself.
- Oh, fuck you, fuck you,
you think you're a big man, huh.
You're a fucking rent-a-cop.
You're not even a real cop.
You know what that makes you?
That makes you a fucking loser?
What, did you flunk the real cop exam?
Fucking idiot.
- Yeah, well, this door
is now gonna be guarded,
Miss Gerber, and the police
will arrive momentarily.
And if you're lucky, I
won't tell the real cops
that we also caught you on
surveillance doing cocaine.
- Asshole.
Fuck.
(keyboard clicking)
(phone buzzing)
(keyboard clicking)
(phone buzzing)
(sighs)
(keyboard clicking)
(phone buzzing)
(groans)
- Yes, Stella?
- Yeah, Leonard, listen.
I'm in the mall, I'm in
some sort of holding area.
They're saying that I shoplifted.
It was an accident, okay.
I left one thing on and
I tried to pay for it,
but now they're making some
sort of example out of me.
- All right, wait, wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, okay.
- The police are on their fucking way.
- Wait, you're telling
me, what you're telling me
is that you accidentally shoplifted.
- Yes, but they're treating
me like a common criminal.
Get down here now!
- Stella, just leave.
- What?
- Just walk out.
- But they said that
they've got the authority
to hold me here until the cops come.
- They have no such authority, okay.
They only have the authority
if you grant them permission
to detain you, and then
you cooperate, all right?
They have no legal right to
hold you against your will,
or to touch you, or to arrest you.
Now, when the cops get there,
it's a whole different story
and then becomes a whole new can of worms.
So, what I suggest that you do,
is leave the clothes that
you forgot to take off
and just walk out before
the cops arrive, okay?
- Okay.
(purse shuffling)
(sighs)
- What happened?
- Oh, my crazy wife
got caught shoplifting.
- Is that true about the mall cops
not being able to do any of that stuff?
- I have no fucking clue.
Just have to get ready
for this deposition.
- Pulled out a black
card, like I told her.
- Hold on, wait, you can't go. (mumbling)
- You wanna bet dog head?
- Oh no, Gabe!
Gabe, she's getting away.
- Mrs. Gerber, you cannot leave.
- Eat me!
- Excuse me, ma'am, excuse me.
- Mrs. Gerber, you cannot
leave, Mrs. Gerber.
- I need backup over at the--
- Please, slow down, ma'am.
(radio chatter)
- I got him, here he comes.
- Oh, fuck off, you have
no authority over me.
- Mrs. Gerber, the
police are on their way.
You cannot leave.
- The police are on their way.
- Police, police my ass.
- Security!
- Miss, Miss, I'm serious.
Now I'm nice, now with the low voice.
Please.
- Mrs. Gerber, you cannot leave!
- Can you please slow down.
- Free!
(rewind static)
- Why don't you get a
haircut, you little shit.
- The insults do not
(yelling indistinguishably).
Please, I'm ordering you right now.
(yelling)
- Oh God, okay!
- Watch out.
- This is turning into a drive out.
- You can still stop, you can still stop!
- 60RK-916, I repeat,
60RK-916, black Lexus, RX-350.
- What are we gonna do now?
- Didn't I tell you to guard the door?
- I, (stutters) she has discipline issues.
I can't control her!
- You were supposed to
stand in front of the door
and not let her leave!
♪ Calling from a pay
phone drunk and oh yeah ♪
♪ Can't come over ♪
♪ Go ahead and spread the word around ♪
♪ Oh the wreckage when these wheels ♪
♪ Have slipped the rails ♪
♪ Sail straight off the
edge and you'll be glad ♪
♪ Dragging underground ♪
♪ I don't need reminding ♪
♪ From needle sleep to night sweats ♪
♪ Step right through the
worst of what I had ♪
(siren)
- This is caffeinated as fuck.
(laughing)
- Guys, What is it with old people?
I mean, have you guys ever seen an old man
blow his nose in a handkerchief
and put it right back
in his fucking pocket?
- Yeah, it's fucking gross.
(laughing)
- No, old people are just trying to, like,
save and fix everything.
My grandmother saves wrapping paper.
It's like, three bucks for a whole roll.
Big deal.
(texts beeping)
- I mean, mine don't even have a computer,
they don't have a cellphone.
They don't even know how
to use their fucking VCR.
- I hope I never get that way.
Please, like, kill me when I'm 30.
- VCR?
Who still has a VCR?
- Exactly.
I mean, I don't have
the heart to tell them
that, you know, they don't need to bother.
Because, what, VCR's came and they went
and no one even fucking noticed.
- Old people are fucking stupid.
(laughing)
- When I'm old, I'm gonna
remember what it was like
to be young and I'm
want to be fucking cool.
- Yeah, well that'll be a switch,
because you're definitely
not a cool young person.
(gasping)
- You're definitely a dick.
- Hm, what can I say.
You guys, I'm bored, what do you wanna do?
- Let's go check out a movie or something.
- Let me think.
How about no.
- Fucking lame ass.
(laughing)
- I guess you guys are
probably way too conservative
for something as morally
reprehensible as a,
a strip club.
- Hah, we're totally
going to a strip club.
- Mall?
- Yeah, no, strip club sounds fun.
- God damn right it does!
- Titties!
- This is the KLIT News in high definition
with Barney Rodriguez and Pepper Chadwick,
with Josh Antonioni on sports,
gossip guru, Tiffanee Duncan,
and KLIT 14's very own
award winning metorologist,
Dan the Weatherman.
- Uh oh, look out for cumulous
mediocris and nimbostratus.
Now, those aren't the new transformers,
they're low clouds that
should be hitting the ground
later on tonight,
which means only one thing.
(honking)
That's right, fog.
We all know what fog spells backwards.
It's gof.
I wish I was playing a
nice 18 holes of golf
right about now.
Hey, remember those Dorf on Golf videos?
Those were some funny videos.
God bless Tim Conway.
- What the hell is he doing?
- And queue graphics.
- You know, in fact, in honor of old Dorf,
I am gonna do the seven day
forecast as a little person.
Okay, let's take a look
at the seven day forecast.
Oh boy, this is a big forcast here.
Yes, look at those temperatures there.
They are very big.
And we have a--
- I'm gonna kill him.
Is this supposed to be comedy?
- But I'm looking up here at the map.
- Jesus Christ, this is pathetic.
Nevermind all the letters we're gonna get
from midget groups across the city.
What's with the free fucking
Tim Conway commercial?
Dorf on Golf, is he fucking kidding me?
- Jesus, Joey, play hip hop music
over the weather segment from now on.
For fuck's sake,
Jesus.
- And over here, looks
like we're gonna be up
in the hundreds, so
that's gonna be a hot one.
- And look at his teeth.
That is the most unnatural
shade of white I've ever seen.
What are they, veneered
with reflector tape?
- This is Dan's shtick, people like it.
Calm down.
- No, I'm not gonna calm down.
This overly paid motherfucker
is gonna sick this whole ship.
You know, Bob may not be
serious about dragging
this relic of a broadcast
into the 21st century,
but I fucking am.
It's my reputation, God damn it.
(laughing and whooping)
- I loved it when he did that.
He'd go (whoops), like
that, way back, you know.
It was naughty.
Anyway, where were we?
(humming)
(phone ringing)
- Hi, honey.
- When are you coming home?
- Whoa, (blows)
not for at least another hour or two.
- (scoffs) Are you fucking kidding me?
Do you know what time it is?
- I don't know what to tell you, Stella.
You spend it faster than I can make it.
I have to work late.
Why don't you take a bath.
You know, I can't go through with this
every single time I have to work late.
- The garbage stinks!
- Well, tell Virginia to take it out.
- She left hours ago!
- Well, you know, darling,
it wouldn't kill you
to take the garbage out once in a while.
It's just 10 steps from the kitchen door
to the garbage can.
- Yeah, right, very funny.
- Listen, I'll take it out
when I come home, okay?
Now, look, the longer
you keep me here at work,
the longer it's gonna
be before I get home.
So, if you want--
- Whatever.
(tires screeching)
- You like those little shoes?
(laughing)
He does it again.
Dorf the Weatherman.
Did you right that or you
just come up with that
off the top of your head?
- No, it was just completely spontaneous,
so I just went with it.
- That's genius, that's absolutely genius.
Listen, Dan, you and me,
let's go out and grab a drink.
- Oh, nay, my Lord.
Me thinkest I am too tired. (laughing)
- Fuck that.
Come on, you are single and famous.
You never have any fun.
You should be out on the town every night.
Come on, I'll be your wing man.
You know what, as your boss,
I'm requiring you to
drink with me tonight.
- Uh oh.
- On me, huh?
- Come on, it wouldn't hurt
to go out a little bit, Dan.
- All right, I guess it couldn't
hurt to go out this once.
It couldn't hurt, just
what the doctor ordered.
Let's go, come on.
- All right, I can't
stay out too late though.
My daughter is home alone.
- One, two, three, go!
♪ Ahh come on ♪
♪ You're strutting like a
peacock all over the place ♪
♪ Nobody can resist you with
that ass up in their face ♪
♪ Tied to show with your
nipples popping through ♪
♪ Everybody here wants to fuck you ♪
♪ Everybody here wants to fuck you ♪
♪ Everybody here wants to fuck you ♪
♪ In your tight t-shirt with
your nipples popping through ♪
♪ Everybody here wants to fuck you. ♪
- All right, how are you guys liking
the open mike show tonight and improv?
(audience cheers)
This next guy is an attorney.
So, he's obviously not that good
because he's over here trying
to do some open mike shit.
(crowd laughing)
You know what I'm saying?
So, whatever you do,
don't use him, all right.
Put your hands together, all right,
for Mr. Lenny Gerber.
(clapping)
- Thank you.
Hello.
- Hi.
- I'm getting over a cold,
so I'm a little horse,
which begs a weird question.
If a pig loses it's voice,
does that mean it's disgruntled?
(audience laughing)
Just a little pig humor for
all you swine flu sufferers.
Speaking of pigs, have any
of you ever met my wife?
(audience laughing)
I don't see a lot of her, myself, lately.
She spends most of her
time at Bloomingdales.
She has her own wing.
Oh, they love her over there.
She likes to spend a lot of my
money on plastic surgery too.
She's the pioneer of buttocks botox.
Now I can't tell what her ass is thinking.
She's had a boob job, a nose job,
a lip job, a butt job,
and since we've been
married, I haven't seen
hide nor hair of a blow job.
(audience laughing)
or a hand job.
(audience laughing)
(rock music)
- [Presenter] Previously on Look.
- She feeling up some guy's ass
while I'm pouring out my
soul to the record execs
that didn't even fucking show.
- You're being a pussy again, man!
A real man says fuck off
and he means it and he's done.
- My first official
date with Molly Hoffman.
Will he get lucky tonight or won't he?
- [Woman] Don't tell anybody about this.
- [Man] I won't.
- Especially that little bitch
girlfriend of yours, Molly.
Make her think you love her,
so she can finally get fucked.
- [Man] I've heard enough
about that little bitch.
Let's make some porn.
- It looks stupid, Andy.
I look like a clown out there.
- Well, isn't that what made you famous?
- You want me to hip up?
I'll grow a mustache or something.
- A mustache?
- It was a friendly butt slap.
You know, like in baseball.
- Like in baseball?
- Yeah.
- Am I a fucking moron?
- I am so sick of your
possessive bullshit.
I'm out, I'm out.
I'm done, it's over, okay?
- Okay.
- And this time for good.
- My son got lost in the mall.
Those security guys were so professional.
They found Max in, like, five minutes.
Thank God, for surveillance cameras.
That's all I have to say.
- You have a son?
- Wow, look at this guy.
(tires squeaking)
All right, we got a live one here.
- Jesus.
- Whoa.
Whoa!
- Fucking crazy.
- Oh, wow.
(trans cans banging)
What an idiot.
Gonna get this one on video.
(knocking)
- Can you open your window, sir?
(window whirring)
(knocking)
All the way down, sir.
(window whirring)
Have you been drinking?
(window whirring)
Sir, have you been drinking tonight?
Open the God damn window!
Sir, have you been drinking tonight?
- No, no.
Oh, it's bright! whoops
- Can you get out of the car, sir?
(groans)
- Sir, can you turn off the
car and get out of the car?
(mechanical whirring)
- Lewis!
Get me out of here.
Fuck.
Jesus fuckin'.
I'm stuck.
I got it, I got it.
- You got it out?
Jesus, get out of the car.
Get out of the car.
(laughing)
- Okay, okay.
- Turn around, hands behind your back.
- I'm sorry.
- Hands behind your back.
Up against the car.
- Hey, I was just trying to be funny.
- Funny?
What are you, a fucking comedian?
(laughing)
- Whoa, no dinner first?
Straight for the balls.
- Don't move, don't move.
Hold on, don't move.
- Massage my asshole while you're at it.
- Turn around for a second.
- All right, where are
you from, smart guy?
- (laughs) I'm from the
planet fuck you pig,
we only eat bacon.
- This guy, you're a regular riot, huh.
- Sir, I need your license
and your registration.
- Hey, which one of you guys is the top
and which one of you is the bottom?
You look like the top.
But I bet you like taking
it up your ass, don't you?
This guy is a comedian.
(giggling)
- Sir, you don't understand.
I need to see your fucking license
and your fucking registration.
- No, you don't understand.
It's right where I left it!
Right up your grandma's butt.
(spits)
- What the fuck.
Jesus Christ.
(laughing and yelling)
- Get the fuck over here.
- Huh, what the fuck
is the matter with you?
- Get him over here.
- Come here.
- Hey!
- Get him over there.
- I got it.
(laughing)
- What the fuck is the
matter with you, huh?
You are so going to fucking jail.
Stay down!
- Hey, if you fuck my ass,
don't forget about my reach
around thing, all right?
- Shut the fuck up.
- Look at this.
(wheezing)
- It's hot.
- That yours?
- Finally, it took you
so long to get me a drink
you little son of a bitch.
- Let's see who exactly
we're dealing with here.
- Ivan, hi, Ivan,
Ivan Cherenkov, from Minsk.
(laughs)
Uncuff him.
- What?
- That's right.
- Uncuff him.
- You heard the man, uncuff me
before a mule kick you in the balls.
Come on!
- Uncuff him?
- He's a Russian dude.
- That's right, bitch.
- You gotta be fucking kidding me.
- Diplomatic immunity.
Suck 'em dead, you little bitch.
(officer mumbles)
- I oughta bitch slap you.
What the fuck, I oughta bitch slap you!
On the ground, you little
piece of shit, little bitch.
Little bitch!
- Fucking do it.
- Yeah, look at him.
He so wants to hit me
right now, doesn't he?
Don't you little bitch!
- Mr. Cherenkov!
Sir, why don't you let us drive you home.
That way you don't pose a
risk to yourself or others.
- I piss on you.
And I piss on your wife.
I'm gonna fuck her in the ass real good.
I just want you to know that.
- We can't just let him drive away.
We're not just letting
him fucking drive away.
- Oh, yeah!
- Get in the car.
- Read the Vienna Convention
on Diplomatic Relation
you fucking pig.
- You know what, you
want to have an incident?
- Sir!
- Right now, let's have a
fucking international incident
right fucking now.
Give me the fucking keys.
- Diplomatic convention immunity?
- That's correct.
- Give me my fucking key.
- You like that?
Good luck driving home.
- Yeah.
- What the fuck!
- Let's go, get in.
- Fucking idiot.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are my fucking keys?
No fucking way!
You're not going anywhere.
What the fuck, what the fuck!
(mumbles) You fucking assholes!
(suspenseful music)
(calm music)
(children playing)
(suspenseful music)
(sniffs and yells)
(hangers clanging)
- Uh oh, looks like we
got a live one, Russ.
- Fucking bitch.
- Gary, we got a white woman
on the second floor dressing room
shoplifting a bunch of shit.
Get there right now.
(sniffs and gasps)
- Damn, is she snorting coke?
- Yeah, I'd fuck that bitch though.
- Hell yeah, if I was (mumbles).
- Looks like she's in her middle ages.
I'd say around--
- I'd still tear that whole ass up.
- She's a cougar.
She's a cougar.
Oh my God, how I would do a cougar.
(sniffs and gasps)
- I'd set her down and just go (grunts).
- What are you doing, boy?
- Oh my gosh, come on.
- Can you think of all the
things she'll do to you?
(smacks lips)
- Oh my gosh,
she showed me wonderland, son. (laughs)
(suspenseful music)
- Welcome to ballet class.
La, la, la, la, la.
(laughs)
- Okay, very good, first
position, and tondu.
- Woo, Hannah, show 'em
what you're made of.
- Here we go, and we're
going to arabesque.
Bring up legs.
Bring down just slightly, right there.
Extend your fingers a little more.
Beautiful, you're reaching, very good.
Okay, come down.
Very good, Hannah, very good.
One thing though, watch
your placement, okay?
- Okay.
- All right, Deedee, you're up next.
(bangs on floor)
- What the fuck is your fucking problem?
- What are you talking about?
You fell on your own.
- You just fucking tripped me!
(indistinguishable yelling)
- Stop it.
- Do you think you
fucking own this school?
- Didn't I just say stop it?
- Miss LaFontaine, Hannah
just fucking tripped me.
I almost broke my nose.
Are you going to do something about this?
- Stop, stop!
Deedee, you know I have
a zero tolerance policy
for language like that in my sanctuary.
And you know what, let
me tell you something.
If you speak like a lady,
then maybe I'll be able to hear you,
until then, office.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye, you are done for the day.
- This is fucking bullshit.
(stomping)
- Ms. LaFontaine, I
swear on my mother's eyes
I didn't trip her.
- Don't worry about it, I
know you didn't, Hannah.
(banging on floor)
but you know what,
you're done for the day.
Why don't you go and freshen up, okay?
Gabby, you're up.
Let me see your first position.
Very good, let me see your tondu.
- Wait, is it rolling, yes.
Good day, today we're gonna
try and catch a glimpse
of one of nature's most
illusive creatures,
the two breasted booty bitch.
Let's see if this usually shy animal
is willing to make an
appearance for our cameras.
(safari music)
(immitates monkey)
Crickey, there's the two
breasted booty bitch now.
(screaming)
- Get out of here!
What are you doing?
- We used to be bathing
in a local watering hole.
- (groaning) I'm taking a shower!
(animals bellowing)
- The two breasted booty
bitch is attacking our group.
Stand back, mates.
No one is quite sure what
these animals are capable of.
- You're gonna get Chase's camera wet!
- Who the fuck is Chase?
- Yeah, work it baby.
(whooing)
Oh my God, the mating dance
of the two breasted booty bitch.
Nobody has ever seen
such a remarkable event.
This is one for the National
Geographics channel.
- Molly, get out of here!
Get out of here!
- You know you love it.
- Yeah, we're just waiting
on her door right now.
It's too much.
- My mind has been a
million miles away lately.
I don't know what I was thinking,
but I do know that I didn't do
anything illegal on purpose.
Okay, I mean, I guess I
just threw on my dress
over these things not
knowing they were still on.
I mean, I'm rich for God's sake.
Why would I have to shoplift?
Here, look.
I have a black American Express card.
Do you know how rich you have to be
to have a black American Express card.
I will pay for this shit right now.
- Yeah, I'm not a cashier, Miss Gerber.
My job here at the mall
is to maintain order.
Now, the police will arrive shortly
and you can sort it out with them.
- Police, what do you mean police?
- We interface with local law enforcement
whenever state or federal laws
are broken on the premises.
And, you have over five hundred dollars
worth of merchandise here,
and that constitutes
grand theft, Miss Gerber.
- It was an accident, okay.
I mean, God, I'm in massive hurry.
Can't you see that I gotta go
pick up my kids from school.
Look, why don't we just work this out
between the two of us.
- I'm sorry, Miss Gerber,
I don't take brides.
- It's not a bribe.
I love your tattoos.
I love the way they just
peek out from underneath
that conservative uniform of yours.
You know, like there's an animal in there,
lurking, waiting to get out.
- Please sit down, Miss Gerber.
- Come on, you and me.
I'm not gonna mince words.
Let's just cut to the chase.
I will suck it 'til your
heads caves in, baby.
I will fuck you right here on the table.
Come on, baby, you know you want it, huh.
Who's gonna know, huh?
- Miss Gerber, I'm a happily married man.
So, please sit down and stop
making a spectacle of yourself.
- Oh, fuck you, fuck you,
you think you're a big man, huh.
You're a fucking rent-a-cop.
You're not even a real cop.
You know what that makes you?
That makes you a fucking loser?
What, did you flunk the real cop exam?
Fucking idiot.
- Yeah, well, this door
is now gonna be guarded,
Miss Gerber, and the police
will arrive momentarily.
And if you're lucky, I
won't tell the real cops
that we also caught you on
surveillance doing cocaine.
- Asshole.
Fuck.
(keyboard clicking)
(phone buzzing)
(keyboard clicking)
(phone buzzing)
(sighs)
(keyboard clicking)
(phone buzzing)
(groans)
- Yes, Stella?
- Yeah, Leonard, listen.
I'm in the mall, I'm in
some sort of holding area.
They're saying that I shoplifted.
It was an accident, okay.
I left one thing on and
I tried to pay for it,
but now they're making some
sort of example out of me.
- All right, wait, wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, okay.
- The police are on their fucking way.
- Wait, you're telling
me, what you're telling me
is that you accidentally shoplifted.
- Yes, but they're treating
me like a common criminal.
Get down here now!
- Stella, just leave.
- What?
- Just walk out.
- But they said that
they've got the authority
to hold me here until the cops come.
- They have no such authority, okay.
They only have the authority
if you grant them permission
to detain you, and then
you cooperate, all right?
They have no legal right to
hold you against your will,
or to touch you, or to arrest you.
Now, when the cops get there,
it's a whole different story
and then becomes a whole new can of worms.
So, what I suggest that you do,
is leave the clothes that
you forgot to take off
and just walk out before
the cops arrive, okay?
- Okay.
(purse shuffling)
(sighs)
- What happened?
- Oh, my crazy wife
got caught shoplifting.
- Is that true about the mall cops
not being able to do any of that stuff?
- I have no fucking clue.
Just have to get ready
for this deposition.
- Pulled out a black
card, like I told her.
- Hold on, wait, you can't go. (mumbling)
- You wanna bet dog head?
- Oh no, Gabe!
Gabe, she's getting away.
- Mrs. Gerber, you cannot leave.
- Eat me!
- Excuse me, ma'am, excuse me.
- Mrs. Gerber, you cannot
leave, Mrs. Gerber.
- I need backup over at the--
- Please, slow down, ma'am.
(radio chatter)
- I got him, here he comes.
- Oh, fuck off, you have
no authority over me.
- Mrs. Gerber, the
police are on their way.
You cannot leave.
- The police are on their way.
- Police, police my ass.
- Security!
- Miss, Miss, I'm serious.
Now I'm nice, now with the low voice.
Please.
- Mrs. Gerber, you cannot leave!
- Can you please slow down.
- Free!
(rewind static)
- Why don't you get a
haircut, you little shit.
- The insults do not
(yelling indistinguishably).
Please, I'm ordering you right now.
(yelling)
- Oh God, okay!
- Watch out.
- This is turning into a drive out.
- You can still stop, you can still stop!
- 60RK-916, I repeat,
60RK-916, black Lexus, RX-350.
- What are we gonna do now?
- Didn't I tell you to guard the door?
- I, (stutters) she has discipline issues.
I can't control her!
- You were supposed to
stand in front of the door
and not let her leave!
♪ Calling from a pay
phone drunk and oh yeah ♪
♪ Can't come over ♪
♪ Go ahead and spread the word around ♪
♪ Oh the wreckage when these wheels ♪
♪ Have slipped the rails ♪
♪ Sail straight off the
edge and you'll be glad ♪
♪ Dragging underground ♪
♪ I don't need reminding ♪
♪ From needle sleep to night sweats ♪
♪ Step right through the
worst of what I had ♪
(siren)
- This is caffeinated as fuck.
(laughing)
- Guys, What is it with old people?
I mean, have you guys ever seen an old man
blow his nose in a handkerchief
and put it right back
in his fucking pocket?
- Yeah, it's fucking gross.
(laughing)
- No, old people are just trying to, like,
save and fix everything.
My grandmother saves wrapping paper.
It's like, three bucks for a whole roll.
Big deal.
(texts beeping)
- I mean, mine don't even have a computer,
they don't have a cellphone.
They don't even know how
to use their fucking VCR.
- I hope I never get that way.
Please, like, kill me when I'm 30.
- VCR?
Who still has a VCR?
- Exactly.
I mean, I don't have
the heart to tell them
that, you know, they don't need to bother.
Because, what, VCR's came and they went
and no one even fucking noticed.
- Old people are fucking stupid.
(laughing)
- When I'm old, I'm gonna
remember what it was like
to be young and I'm
want to be fucking cool.
- Yeah, well that'll be a switch,
because you're definitely
not a cool young person.
(gasping)
- You're definitely a dick.
- Hm, what can I say.
You guys, I'm bored, what do you wanna do?
- Let's go check out a movie or something.
- Let me think.
How about no.
- Fucking lame ass.
(laughing)
- I guess you guys are
probably way too conservative
for something as morally
reprehensible as a,
a strip club.
- Hah, we're totally
going to a strip club.
- Mall?
- Yeah, no, strip club sounds fun.
- God damn right it does!
- Titties!
- This is the KLIT News in high definition
with Barney Rodriguez and Pepper Chadwick,
with Josh Antonioni on sports,
gossip guru, Tiffanee Duncan,
and KLIT 14's very own
award winning metorologist,
Dan the Weatherman.
- Uh oh, look out for cumulous
mediocris and nimbostratus.
Now, those aren't the new transformers,
they're low clouds that
should be hitting the ground
later on tonight,
which means only one thing.
(honking)
That's right, fog.
We all know what fog spells backwards.
It's gof.
I wish I was playing a
nice 18 holes of golf
right about now.
Hey, remember those Dorf on Golf videos?
Those were some funny videos.
God bless Tim Conway.
- What the hell is he doing?
- And queue graphics.
- You know, in fact, in honor of old Dorf,
I am gonna do the seven day
forecast as a little person.
Okay, let's take a look
at the seven day forecast.
Oh boy, this is a big forcast here.
Yes, look at those temperatures there.
They are very big.
And we have a--
- I'm gonna kill him.
Is this supposed to be comedy?
- But I'm looking up here at the map.
- Jesus Christ, this is pathetic.
Nevermind all the letters we're gonna get
from midget groups across the city.
What's with the free fucking
Tim Conway commercial?
Dorf on Golf, is he fucking kidding me?
- Jesus, Joey, play hip hop music
over the weather segment from now on.
For fuck's sake,
Jesus.
- And over here, looks
like we're gonna be up
in the hundreds, so
that's gonna be a hot one.
- And look at his teeth.
That is the most unnatural
shade of white I've ever seen.
What are they, veneered
with reflector tape?
- This is Dan's shtick, people like it.
Calm down.
- No, I'm not gonna calm down.
This overly paid motherfucker
is gonna sick this whole ship.
You know, Bob may not be
serious about dragging
this relic of a broadcast
into the 21st century,
but I fucking am.
It's my reputation, God damn it.
(laughing and whooping)
- I loved it when he did that.
He'd go (whoops), like
that, way back, you know.
It was naughty.
Anyway, where were we?
(humming)
(phone ringing)
- Hi, honey.
- When are you coming home?
- Whoa, (blows)
not for at least another hour or two.
- (scoffs) Are you fucking kidding me?
Do you know what time it is?
- I don't know what to tell you, Stella.
You spend it faster than I can make it.
I have to work late.
Why don't you take a bath.
You know, I can't go through with this
every single time I have to work late.
- The garbage stinks!
- Well, tell Virginia to take it out.
- She left hours ago!
- Well, you know, darling,
it wouldn't kill you
to take the garbage out once in a while.
It's just 10 steps from the kitchen door
to the garbage can.
- Yeah, right, very funny.
- Listen, I'll take it out
when I come home, okay?
Now, look, the longer
you keep me here at work,
the longer it's gonna
be before I get home.
So, if you want--
- Whatever.
(tires screeching)
- You like those little shoes?
(laughing)
He does it again.
Dorf the Weatherman.
Did you right that or you
just come up with that
off the top of your head?
- No, it was just completely spontaneous,
so I just went with it.
- That's genius, that's absolutely genius.
Listen, Dan, you and me,
let's go out and grab a drink.
- Oh, nay, my Lord.
Me thinkest I am too tired. (laughing)
- Fuck that.
Come on, you are single and famous.
You never have any fun.
You should be out on the town every night.
Come on, I'll be your wing man.
You know what, as your boss,
I'm requiring you to
drink with me tonight.
- Uh oh.
- On me, huh?
- Come on, it wouldn't hurt
to go out a little bit, Dan.
- All right, I guess it couldn't
hurt to go out this once.
It couldn't hurt, just
what the doctor ordered.
Let's go, come on.
- All right, I can't
stay out too late though.
My daughter is home alone.
- One, two, three, go!
♪ Ahh come on ♪
♪ You're strutting like a
peacock all over the place ♪
♪ Nobody can resist you with
that ass up in their face ♪
♪ Tied to show with your
nipples popping through ♪
♪ Everybody here wants to fuck you ♪
♪ Everybody here wants to fuck you ♪
♪ Everybody here wants to fuck you ♪
♪ In your tight t-shirt with
your nipples popping through ♪
♪ Everybody here wants to fuck you. ♪
- All right, how are you guys liking
the open mike show tonight and improv?
(audience cheers)
This next guy is an attorney.
So, he's obviously not that good
because he's over here trying
to do some open mike shit.
(crowd laughing)
You know what I'm saying?
So, whatever you do,
don't use him, all right.
Put your hands together, all right,
for Mr. Lenny Gerber.
(clapping)
- Thank you.
Hello.
- Hi.
- I'm getting over a cold,
so I'm a little horse,
which begs a weird question.
If a pig loses it's voice,
does that mean it's disgruntled?
(audience laughing)
Just a little pig humor for
all you swine flu sufferers.
Speaking of pigs, have any
of you ever met my wife?
(audience laughing)
I don't see a lot of her, myself, lately.
She spends most of her
time at Bloomingdales.
She has her own wing.
Oh, they love her over there.
She likes to spend a lot of my
money on plastic surgery too.
She's the pioneer of buttocks botox.
Now I can't tell what her ass is thinking.
She's had a boob job, a nose job,
a lip job, a butt job,
and since we've been
married, I haven't seen
hide nor hair of a blow job.
(audience laughing)
or a hand job.
(audience laughing)
(rock music)