Living Single (1993–1998): Season 2, Episode 23 - Who's Scooping Who? - full transcript

See, first I type in her
name and her phone number.

And where we had our first
date, so I can wax romantically

on the second date.
And then I press enter.

Well, you forgot to put in how
many pieces of candy it took

to get her into the car.

Well, at least I don't have to
lure my dates with raw meat.

Smooches, everyone.

You will never guess
what happened to me today.

I was window shopping
on Fifth Avenue

spending thousands, in my head.

When I saw this.



Regine, you will
never fit into that dress.

It's called the Cherine doll.

Doesn't it look like me?

You say the same thing
about Whitney Houston.

I do look like Whitney Houston.

You know, all the time
people confuse me with Montel.

Yeah, people just
chasing me down the street

telling me their business.

You'll be surprised how
many dyslexic transsexuals

want to adopt.

No, you guys, Cherine
is based on me.

I dated this guy at Wishco, the
toy company that makes these.

Obviously when he met
me, he made the mold.

Regine, that's nothing
but a Barbie doll



dipped in chocolate. Here.

Cherine is me. If you..

Look, she has got six
interchangeable wigs.

If you don't believe me,
just listen to Cherine.

Smooches.

♪ We are living single ♪

♪ Oo in the 90's kinda world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep ya head up. What?
Keep ya head up, that's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get
tough ya gotta fight with ♪

♪ Ma homegirls standin'
to ma left and ma right ♪

♪ True blue We tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living single ♪

Cherine is so beautiful
and glamorous.

She could whoop
Barbie's flat behind any day.

Yes, you can. Yes, you can.

Regine, you have been
cooing over that doll all day.

Now, you put it away
or it loses a limb.

She's just jealous because
the only thing on the market

that she resembles is a
multi‐strand floor mop.

Well, can't we just meet
and talk for five minutes?

Well, thanks a lot.

Who was that?

Remember I told you
about that story I was doing

on a boxing promoter
that was fixing his fights.

No.

You were eating pancakes
with blueberry syrup.

Oh, yeah, King Davis. Yes, yes.

I had one good source
and Marcus Hughes

from the Village Voice snatched
him right out from under me.

Khadijah, I'm no reporter.

Why don't you just walk
up to this King Davis fellow

and go, "Hey, there, now.
You're fixing fights. Come clean."

Synclaire, King Davis has
84 arrests and no convictions.

I'm afraid he's too crafty even
for your sophisticated approach.

I gotta nail this story, man.

This is the kinda thing that
wins awards and boosts sales.

Well, if you really wanna
boost sales, you should

get a hold of those
naked Brad Pitt photos.

You know we don't
print that kinda stuff.

Well, could you get 'em anyway?

‐ Oh, nice shot. ‐ I'm
also good at distance.

Excuse me. Mind if I ask
you a couple questions?

Oh. You a manager?

‐ No, I'm a reporter.
‐ No comment.

Hey, have you ever
worked with King Davis?

‐ Are you a reporter? ‐ Yeah.

Unless you're from
Good Housekeeping

and you're here for my
linguini and clam sauce recipe

take yourself a walk.

Hey, are you really a reporter?

Khadijah James, Flavor Magazine.

I'm doing a story on King Davis.
Can I ask you a few questions?

‐ Fire away, yes. ‐ Alright.

Well, for starters, how
long you been boxing?

‐ Counting today? ‐ Mm‐hm.

Never.

So what do you do here?

Actually I do the same thing
as you. Only, I do it better.

Marcus Hughes. Village Voice.

I knew that.

Right. You thought
I was a boxer, girl.

Please, you're too scrawny.
Even I could take you down.

Now, Miss James, we just met.

Just because you're a good
reporter and have a nice smile

doesn't mean you're gonna
beat me to this King Davis story.

So... you think I
have a nice smile?

I don't know. I've‐I've never
seen a weasel smile until now.

H‐h‐hold on. Hold
on. Hold on. I'm sorry.

We got off on the wrong foot.

I know you. I've read
your stuff. It's good.

Just a tip. When you
thought I was a boxer

there's one question
you should've asked me.

What was that?

You should've asked
me out to dinner.

That way, I could have said yes.

So I'm gonna pick
you up around eight.

Why would I go out with
a perpetrator like you?

Because you like me.

And I find that very attractive.

Say, where you live?

You're the reporter.
You figure it out.

This is ridiculous. We can
never agree on where to go.

Why don't we go out to
that new multiplex theater

slash video arcade
slash megamall?

I mean that way
Regine could shop.

Thank you.

Synclaire and I
could see a movie.

And Max can partake

of the largest
international food court

in the tri‐state area.

Hey‐hey, people.

Regine... did you know,
according to The Journal

your Cherine doll's become
quite a hot selling item?

Naturally.

Hey, if this doll is
really based on you

you could be getting
cheated out of millions.

I'm telling you,
girl, you should sue.

Millions? That's
our favorite number.

Good for you, Regine.

Corporate America is
always trying to cash in

on somebody else's brainchild.
They even tried to do it to me.

Ha ha. Right. When?

That hair‐cutting
vacuum, the Flowbee.

Rhymes with Obie.

Coincidence? I think not.

Hey, peeps.

Khadijah, any new
leads on the boxing story?

Nope, but I did run
into Marcus Hughes.

Oh, yeah? What's he like?

Well, he's arrogant.
He is conniving.

He would sell his own
mother to get a story.

And I'm havin' dinner
with him tonight.

Careful. He may
just be taking you out

to pump you for information.

Ha ha ha. While he
thinks he's picking my brain

I'll be getting him for
everything he knows.

Your lips might be
saying that this is business

but that cheap lip
gloss is sayin' it's a date.

Is he fun?

Well, you know he's
kind of on the tasty side.

See, see, this just
proves my point.

Women are always talking
about they want a nice guy.

In the end, they go for looks.

And when they want a break
from both, they date you.

Don't you have a
car to go chase?

‐ Hey, what's going on? ‐ Hi.

Everyone, this is Marcus Hughes.

‐ Hey, how you doing,
man? ‐ How you doing, bro?

Hey, alright,
alright. Call me, girl.

Synclaire James. I'm in
the news game myself.

Tsk tsk.

So, Marcus have you heard
about the Cherine phenomenon?

‐ The who? ‐ You
better recognize.

Well, um, this is a real
nice place you got here.

‐ Khadijah, this is very you.
‐ You don't even know me.

Oh, sure I do.

You're independent but
you're driven by a fear of failure.

You like to give advice, but you
can't admit when you're wrong.

And you're a bit of a
control freak. Am I right?

‐ Not even close. ‐ Mm‐hm.

Now, look, can we get off of
me and get on something else?

Something interesting,
like King Davis.

Oh, no, no. I don't
wanna depress you.

I got that boxing story
already locked up.

Don't worry. Someday
you'll have a chance

to crack something this big.

And I'll be off, covering
something bigger.

‐ Ha ha. Like your head. ‐
Oh ho. That was a good one.

You know, there's a question
I've been dying to ask you.

Where's your restroom?

Oh, upstairs, first
door on the right.

And don't be poking around
my medicine cabinet either.

"King Davis. Newark
Airport, gate 50. Tonight."

Hey, you ready to go?

Uh, yeah, but look, we
can't stay out too late tonight

'cause I really gotta
get an early start.

Oh, you sure are dedicated.

We could use somebody
like you at the Voice.

I mean, if I didn't
already work there.

You know, we can use
someone like you at Flavor.

Well, if we didn't
already have a janitor.

Listen to me, if you cannot meet
our needs, we will have to find

another supplier. Now
I'm gonna go over it again.

Two large pizzas,
no anchovies. Alright?

Synclaire, get off that phone.

And in less than 30 minutes
because I have a coupon.

And why are you so grumpy?

I'm sorry. It's that
damn Marcus Hughes.

He sent me on a false lead

and I spent half the
night at Newark Airport.

So he told you to go
somewhere and you went?

No. He went to the bathroom
and called his own beeper.

Left me a bogus tip. It's
the oldest trick in the book.

Well, now, Khadijah.

It couldn't possibly be
the oldest trick in the book.

Beepers have not
been around that long.

Khadijah, Khadijah.

I had such a good
time last night

I was inspired to write you
a poem. It goes like this.

The white zone is
for immediate loading

and unloading of
passengers only.

Oh, baby, come on.
Look, an "I love you" troll.

You do care, don't you?

I can't believe you
set me up like that.

Don't get all salty
because you fell

for the oldest
trick in the book.

I stand corrected.

You know, I've had
just about enough of you.

‐ It's time for you
to go. ‐ Okay, I'll go.

But you'll be
thinking about me..

Specially when my
story hits the stands.

Well, not before mine.
You goin' down, Hughes.

‐ You goin' down!
‐ Okay. Bye bye.

‐ Can you believe
that guy! ‐ I know.

He just walked outta
here with my favorite troll.

I gotta break this story
before Marcus does.

There must be something
in these notes I missed.

Smooches.

What are you three
gals doin' here?

I'm going to be rich.
Wooo‐hoo‐hoo‐hoo!

Wishco and I have reached a
settlement on the Cherine doll.

You know how we always thought

that Regine would never
amount to anything?

‐ Yeah. Mm‐hm. ‐ Okay.

Well, it turns out she's
worth 595 per unit.

Well..

Now you don't have to be bitter
about Anna Nicole Smith anymore.

See, you don't have
to make your fortune

by marrying some old geezer.

That was a private
rivalry, Khadijah.

Anyway, I owe it all to the
legal genius of my best friend.

Right now, I'm your lawyer.

If you want me to be your
friend, put me on retainer.

Come on, you guys. Let's go.

‐ Lunch is on
Cherine. ‐ Oh, I can't.

I gotta go back to the gym
and crack this boxing story.

Oh, Khadijah, can I come with?

Look... this fight
is a one‐on‐one

between me and Marcus.

Alright. Well,
look at it this way.

You can either
have me by your side

which would keep your eye on me

or here, by myself,
unsupervised.

‐ Get your purse. ‐ Ah, ha ha!

I can't believe you guys
are passing up lunch

at The Four Seasons!

‐ Well, I'm still
coming. ‐ Yeah, alright.

Since it's just
gonna be you and me

I guess I'll take you to the
falafel stand at the corner.

Great. I'll take the
Falafel Grande.

See, that's Rusty
Biggins. I looked him up.

He's a seasoned welterweight
but he's never really made it big.

Wow. Look at that little
guy knock him down.

Yeah, maybe he's havin'
a bad day. I don't know.

And he's fallin' the
same way every time.

Synclaire, what does
that look like to you?

Me after a vodka stinger?

I got an even better theory.

‐ I'm gonna talk to him. ‐
I'm not gonna just sit here.

I'm gonna hit the speed bag.
Don't wanna look conspicuous.

Hey, guys. Lemme
borrow those gloves.

‐ Hey, Rusty. You remember
me? ‐ Oh, yeah. The reporter.

Well, gotta go.

Look, uh... I know what
you doin' in that ring.

How much does King
Davis pay you to take a fall?

Heh. Pay me? Lady,
I live with my mother.

That answer your question?

Fine. I have everything
I need for my story.

I was just trying to give you

an opportunity
to tell your side.

Yeah, that's what
all you reporters say.

Look, uh... does your mother
know you gonna take a dive?

Damn. Had to bring
my momma into it!

Yo, okay. But I can't
talk about it here.

Just tell me when and where.

I'm fighting at the
Goldmine Hotel

at Atlantic City this week.
Meet me there tomorrow.

Alright.

Alright, Synclaire. Let's go.

Hear that? Hear the rhythm.

‐ Gotta have the
rhythm. ‐ Si, Synclaire.

Regine, imagine my surprise
when a limousine rolled up

and you got out.

Well... from now on,
I am spoiling myself.

I've bought all the
cosmetics I ever wanted.

Well, all they had anyway.

And to think I suggested
you buy a mutual fund.

You will change your tune
when you see what I got for you.

Oh, ho ho..

A little Fashion Fair umbrella.

How lovely.

An Elizabeth Arden travel tote.

You shouldn't have.

Hey, do you know how much
anti‐aging cream I had to buy

to get that free tote?

Oh‐h, watch out now! Lip balm.

And a cuticle
nipper. Well, alright!

‐ Hello, people.
‐ Ah. My attorney!

Pour Vous.

Hmm. Anti‐aging cream.

Well, you might
wanna hold on to that.

You're about to age ten years.

I just heard from
Wishco, and it turns out

there won't be any royalties.

Wha'?

The Cherine doll
is being recalled.

Huh, what happened?

Did the Ken doll get
a little jungle fever?

Apparently, Cherine's
wigs are highly flammable.

A little girl in Buffalo left
her out in the sun too long

and Cherine
spontaneously combusted.

So, uh... just slap a
warning on the box

and get them dolls
on the shelves.

Well, that's not all.

You've also been named
in a class action suit.

But don't worry, I'll
still represent you

at a discount rate.

And, uh... of course I'll
continue to eat here, so..

Ah, Regine, I'm kinda
disappointed in you.

Didn't you safety‐test
your little face before

you put it on the market?

I cannot believe this
is happening to me!

Man! Just when my ship
was about to come in.

‐ Life really stinks!
‐ It'll be okay.

You'll get your money back
once you return all that stuff.

Oh, no. See, it's
not that simple.

Now, I've gotta go and retrieve
those letters that I mailed

to family members,
cutting them off.

Lemme see if I
have this straight.

King Davis takes a boxer. Pays
his opponents to take a dive.

Exactly. When the fighter's
ready for his big payday

Davis turns around, pays
his own fighter to take a dive

places bets against
him, cleans up.

It's a hell of a scam.

There's a six dollar bag of
peanuts in there you missed.

Oh, no no. Not for
me. I'm in training.

You know, this means the
end of my boxing career.

‐ Sorry. ‐ Ah, don't be.

Feels good to finally
get this stuff off my chest.

Besides, it's time I finally
move on with my life.

Maybe, I'll go
work for my brother.

He owns a Flowbee dealership.

Well, thanks a lot.

Yes! Yes!

‐ Whoa! ‐ Good interview.

Did you know there's
a bidet in there?

How the hell did
you get in here?

I told the, uh, maid
I was your husband

and that I lost my key.

So she congratulated us on
our honeymoon and gave me

a whole bunch of extra
bottles of shampoo.

You know where you can
stick those tiny little bottles?

Baby, baby, let's not fight.

It's the first day of
our new life together.

So, this is how the
great Marcus Hughes

gets his stories?

Somebody else does the
work while you sit in there

on the toilet and take notes.

Well, not every day, but if
it makes you feel any better

I think you're a
hell of a reporter.

Because I tried to talk to
Rusty but I couldn't break him.

Well... there are good
reporters and then there's you.

Ooh... I wouldn't go
there because, see

we both have the
same information.

And since our publications
hit the stand on the same day

a few million readers
are gonna read my story

and a few dozen
are gonna read yours.

But mine won't be running
under an ugly picture of you.

How 'bout we call
this thing a draw?

Okay? We're in Atlantic City.

Why don't we go downstairs,
hit the 299 crab buffet

and catch the Pips impersonator.

It's like a dream.
How can I say no?

You can't. Let's go. C'mon.

Alright. Grab us a couple plates
and I'll meet you down there.

I love it when you
tell me what to do.

Well, then shut
up and get goin'.

I'm goin', I'm goin', I'm goin'.

Nine..

Synclaire, look, it's me.
Listen. No, listen. Okay.

Now, Flavor is about to come
out a day early. Yes, we can.

I've just plugged in a
quote from the boxing story

and I'm sendin' 'em to
the office computer now.

Just make sure it gets to
the printer and don't screw up.

Hey, you know
what. I was thinking..

Uh, wha‐what are you doin'?

I'm sending my story to Flavor.

It'll be on the stands
in the morning.

Zippoo!

But Flavor doesn't
come out till Thursday.

Heh. Flavor comes out
when I say it comes out.

You see, I own it.

I can't believe that you
actually scooped me?

Tch. Another fact I can't hide

from the brilliant
Marcus Hughes.

So, you think I'm
brilliant. Do you?

No. You think you're
brilliant. I think I'm hungry.

Now, let's go.

Tell me what story
you working on next?

See, that's none of
your damn business.

‐ C'mon, you can tell me. ‐
Why are you in my stories?

'I don't care what
anybody says.'

'You're still the
classiest doll around.'

'Regine, stop playing
with that stupid doll.'

'The Repo Man is here
for your big screen TV.'