Lip Sync Battle (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 15 - Abbi Jacobson vs. Ilana Glazer - full transcript

[T. Rex's "20th Century Boy" playing]

♪ Friends say it's fine,
friends say it's good ♪

♪ Everybody says it's
just like rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ Ohhhhhhh ♪

♪ Well, it's plain to see
you were meant for me, yeah ♪

♪ And I'm your boy,
your 20th century toy ♪

[Cheers and applause]

[Feedback]

[Cheers and applause]

TEIGEN: He's gone gold, he's gone platinum.

Now let's see you go crazy.



It's your host, LL Cool J.

LL COOL J: You got to
love that right there.

Welcome to "Lip Sync Battle".

You know what it is.

You've seen it on TV, online, everywhere,

so you know the game is simple.

Two stars lip-sync two songs.

The audience decides who
did it the best, okay?

[Cheers and applause]

They pick songs knowing
the audience is looking

for style, lip-sync ability,

and just overall skills
to pay the bills, okay?

[Cheers and applause]

Here to help me is our color commentator.



She's the voice of the
people, the C.E.O. of sync.

She's the lovely and talented,
my girl Chrissy Teigen!

♪ Everywhere I g-g-g-g-go, all
they do is stare and stare ♪

♪ All they do is stare and stare ♪

Oh!

♪ All they do is stare and stare ♪

♪ All they do is stare and stare ♪

♪ All they do is stare and stare ♪

Go Chrissy, go Chrissy!

LL COOL J: So, Chrissy,

will you show them the Championship belt?

Can I "Price Is Right" it for you?

Yeah, yeah.

You can't wear any of those other trophies,

you know what I'm saying?

You can wear our prize.

This is real, all right.

So, are you ready for an epic battle?

[Cheers and applause]

Let's welcome our performers.

They're a comedy team of
equals until after tonight.

First up, from "Broad City"...

[Cheers and applause]

... Abbi Jacobson!

Yo! Here we [bleep] go!

Hey! [Laughs]

And now, let's meet Abbi's opponent.

Her comedy partner from "Broad City"...

her about-to-be-former BFF...

[Laughter]

... Ilana Glazer!

[Cheers and applause]

All right, all right, all right.

Okay.

To see who goes first, we asked Ilana,

and she said they both agreed she would.

That's how it goes.

But Abbi slipped me $5, okay,

so, Ilana, have a seat in the VIP lounge.

Abbi, come on over.

We're about to get it in.

Oh, man. Oh, boy, oh, boy.

You ready to go to war?

Oh, I am.

I've never been so ready in my entire life.

- You're super ready.
- It's own right now, yes.

- You're absolutely ready.
- [Exhales sharply] Feel good.

- New York ready.
- Yeah, I feel New York good!

[Cheers and applause] Yes!

Everybody say "New York good!"

ALL: New York good!

All right, so, what's
your first song you picked?

Ooh, I can finally reveal it.

Yeah, yeah, you can.

All right, my first song tonight
will be "The Humpty Dance."

[Cheers and applause]

Here with her faux performance,

Abbi Jacobson with... "The Humpty Dance."

GLAZER: Oh, my God, Abbi.

[Intro plays]

[Rapping] ♪ All right, stop whatcha doing ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm about to ruin ♪

♪ The image and the style that you used to ♪

♪ I look funny ♪

♪ But yo, I'm makin' money, see ♪

♪ So, yo, world, I hope you're ready for me ♪

♪ Now gather round, I'm
the new fool in town, ♪

♪ And my sound's laid
down by the Underground ♪

♪ I drink up all the Hennessy
you got on your shelf ♪

♪ So just let me introduce myself ♪

♪ My name is Humpty,
pronounced with an "umpty" ♪

♪ Yo ladies, oh, how I like to hump thee ♪

♪ And all the rappers in the top 10 ♪

♪ Please allow me to bump thee ♪

♪ I'm steppin' tall, y'all,
and just like Humpty Dumpty ♪

♪ You're gonna fall when
the stereos pump me ♪

♪ I like to rhyme, I like my beats funky ♪

♪ I'm spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy ♪

♪ I'm sick with this, straight gangsta mack ♪

♪ But sometimes I get ridiculous ♪

♪ I'll eat up all your
crackers and your licorice ♪

♪ Hey, yo, fat girl, come
here, are you ticklish? ♪

♪ Yeah, I called you fat ♪

♪ Look at me, I'm skinny ♪

♪ It never stopped me from gettin' busy ♪

♪ I'm a freak, I like
the girls with the boom ♪

♪ I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom ♪

♪ I'm crazy, allow me to amaze thee ♪

♪ They say I'm ugly but
it just don't faze me ♪

♪ I'm still gettin' in the girls' pants ♪

♪ And I even got my own dance ♪

♪ The Humpty Dance is your
chance to do the hump ♪

- Come on!
- ♪ Ooh, baby ♪

♪ Do the Humpty Hump, come
on and do the Humpty Hump ♪

Check it out, y'all.

♪ Do the Humpty Hump, just
watch me do the Humpty Hump ♪

♪ Do you know what I'm doin'? ♪

♪ Doin' the Humpty Hump ♪

Come on.

♪ Do the Humpty Hump,
do the Humpty Hump ♪

[Music stops]

[Cheers and applause]

LL COOL J: Yo, man.

Why did you pick that song?

I know that that song

is one of Miss Glazer's sexy songs.

[Laughter]

Hold on, hold on, hold
on, hold on, hold on.

- Hold, hold, hold, hold. Let... let's back up.
- Yeah.

Are you telling me that the
Humpty Hump makes her horny?

Yes. My goal was to
psych her out with horny.

- Oh, so have her over-freaked.
- Yes!

You know, like... like rubbing her back

so pulls her checkbook out.

[Laughter] Exactly, yeah.

I feel you.

- Abbi, you and Ilana switch places.
- Okay.

- [Cheers and applause]
- Come on up.

Chill out. Hang out out in the lounge.

All right, now.

All right, now.

Now, look.

You know, when I look in your eyes,

I can see you have the eye of the tiger.

You and me.

I think that's either our connection...

maybe it's just me,

but also I think that
could be our connection.

I'm not sure, but thank you.

We're connected, baby.

- Thank you.
- Don't sleep on me.

Ooh!

Anyway, anyway, what song is it gonna be?

It's gonna be OutKast's "Hey Ya!"

- [Cheers and applause]
- TEIGEN: Whoa!

Okay, This is Ilana Glazer with "Hey Ya!"

[Cheers and applause]

♪ One, two, three, uh ♪

♪ My baby don't mess around
because she loves me so ♪

♪ And this I know for sho' ♪

Uh!

♪ But does she really wanna ♪

♪ But can't stand to see
me walk out the door ♪

♪ Hey-y ya ♪

♪ Hey ya ♪

♪ Hey-y ya ♪

♪ Hey ya ♪

All right, now.

All right, now, fellas...

MEN: Yeah?

Now, what's cooler than being cool?

ALL: Ice cold!

I can't hear you!

I say, what's... what's
cooler than being cool?

ALL: Ice cold!

♪ All right, all right, all right, all right ♪

♪ All right, all right, all right, all right ♪

♪ All right, all right, all right, all right ♪

♪ All right, all right, okay, now, ladies? ♪

WOMEN: Yeah?

Now, we gonna break this thing
down for just a few seconds.

Now, don't have me break
this thing down for nothing.

I want to see y'all on
y'all's baddest behavior.

Lend me some sugar!

I am your neighbor! Oh! Here we go!

♪ Shake it, shake shake it, shake it, ♪

♪ Shake shake it, shake it, shake shake it, ♪

♪ Shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it ♪

♪ Shake it like a Polaroid picture ♪

♪ Hey-y ya ♪

♪ Uh-oh! ♪

♪ Hey ya ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

[Music stops]

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys.

Thank you.

Whew!

Whew!

LL COOL J: Yo.

Abbi Jacobson...

Miss "J"? Miss Jacobson?

What did you think? What did you think?

I think it had promise.

- [Laughter]
- [Gasps, scoffs]

It's about to get ugly.

About to, yeah.

But right now, it's very pretty and cute.

[Laughter] All right, Ilana.

It's time to join Abbi in the lounge.

You guys... you guys don't, you know...

LL COOL J: Chrissy, what did you think?

I thought they were both fantastic.

Kind of unassuming.

I didn't expect that to
come out of either of you,

so I was pleased.

But my nipple came out for a second.

So I'm very thrown off by it. I'm sorry.

I apologize.

[Laughter]

But you did great.

So did you, kid.

[Laughter]

Sorry.

All righty. The queen has spoken!

We've got two more big songs
to go to from Abbi and Ilana.

Stay tuned for more "Lip Sync Battle."

We'll be right back.

♪ Check it out, y'all ♪

♪ Do the Humpty Hump, just
watch me do the Humpty Hump ♪

[Cheers and applause]

Welcome back to "Lip Sync Battle."

What a great first round, right?

That was a great first round.

[Cheers and applause]

Now is the time for both these ladies

to take it up a notch.

They need to leave it all on the floor,

'cause this round is for the win, okay?

Let's take a look at how
Abbi got ready for the battle.

So, we found out about doing the show

about six months and, like, 17 days ago.

And ever since, I felt like
I've got to get on my game.

So, I got a good coach.

It's not big deal 'cause it was like...

I can write it off, taxes and stuff.

We should have him on the show, no joke.

I'd hook up with him.

Cheers.

Ilana and my relationship, um...

it's sad, actually, what's happened

since we found out about the show.

She's been...

She's been hiding things.

I brought in a couple outfits to show her

what I was maybe gonna
wear, and it was a mistake.

I shouldn't have done that.

You know what, I don't... can we just...

like, I don't want to talk about it.

I think we should just stop there.

[Cheers and applause]

♪ And I am telling you ♪

♪ I'm not going ♪

♪ Even though the rough
times are showing ♪

♪ There's just no way ♪

♪ There's no way ♪

♪ Time and time we've had so much to see ♪

♪ And, no, no, no, no, no, no way ♪

♪ I'm not waking up tomorrow morning ♪

♪ And finding that there's nobody thereee ♪

♪ Darling there's no way ♪

♪ No, no, no, no way I'm living without you ♪

♪ I'm not living without you ♪

♪ You see, there's just no way ♪

♪ There's no way ♪

♪ Tear down the mountains,
yell, scream and shout ♪

♪ You can say what you
want, I'm not walking out ♪

♪ Stop all the rivers,
push, strike, and kill ♪

♪ I'm not gonna leave you,
there's no way I willllll ♪

[Cheers and applause]

♪ And I am telling you ♪

♪ I'm not going ♪

♪ You're the best man I'll ever know ♪

♪ There's no way I could ever, ever go ♪

♪ No, no, there's no way ♪

♪ No, no, no, no way I'm living without you ♪

♪ I'm not living without
you, not living without you ♪

♪ I don't wanna be free ♪

♪ I'm staying, I'm staying ♪

♪ And you, and you, and you ♪

♪ You're gonna love meeee ♪

[Cheers and applause]

♪ You're gonna looove me ♪

♪ Yes, you are ♪

♪ Yes, you are, yeah ♪

[Music stops]

[Cheers and applause]

Damn!

LL COOL J: Hold up, hold up, hold up.

You cook some soul food, I'm finished.

Jennifer Holliday originated it.

Jennifer Hudson won an Oscar for it.

Why did you connect with it?

Again, um,

it's one of Ilana's sex songs.

Oh!

So I was like, "I'm gonna
bring this even harder,

like to another level," because I know that

that's like...

... that's like third on the playlist,

which is like... in baseball,
that's a good hitter, right?

- [Laughter]
- Really?

Well, I think I know
what you're trying to say.

Yeah, I know.

Ilana, did you know Abbi had that in her?

I did.

And that's why I've had to pretend

that I'm not terrified.

[Laughter] Wow.

Abbi, go hang out in the VIP lounge.

[Cheers and applause]

It's great.

Now, for the "Broad City" comedy team,

who wins is no laughing matter.

We'll be right back with
more "Lip Sync Battle."

♪ You're gonna love me ♪

♪ Everybody says it's
just like rock 'n' roll ♪

[Cheers and applause]

Welcome back to "Lip Sync Battle."

In just a few minutes, we're gonna find out

whether Ilana or Abbi takes
home the ultimate prize,

our Lip Sync Championship belt.

[Cheers and applause]

We know both of our stars were relentless

in the training for tonight.

Let's see how Ilana got ready.

GLAZER: So, I've definitely been preparing

my whole life for this moment,

but also specifically since
we found out about this show.

I've been listening to songs
that I love and not singing.

I've been really, like,
holding my ears down

and doing, like, a lot of this.

Abbi and I are business
partners and creative partners,

but tonight, I don't care.

We are stranger-enemies.

[Exhales sharply]

I'm really mad.

This is Anthony. How you doing?

TEIGEN: Don't touch man man.

[Laughter]

Whatever Chrissy Teigen
says, she gets. She gets.

Well, my biggest lip sync
inspiration is Ashlee Simpson.

I'm gonna honor her tonight.

[Cheers and applause]

[Intro to The Weather Girls'
"It's Raining Men" plays]

♪ Humidity is rising ♪

WOMAN: Mm!

♪ Barometer's getting low ♪

MAN: How low, girl?

♪ According to all sources ♪

WOMAN: What source?

♪ The street's the place to go ♪

♪ 'Cause tonight for the first time ♪

♪ Just about half-past 10:00 ♪

♪ For the first time in history ♪

♪ It's gonna start raining men ♪

♪ It's raining men, hallelujah ♪

♪ It's raining men, amen ♪

♪ I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get ♪

♪ Absolutely soaking wet ♪

♪ It's raining men, hallelujah ♪

♪ It's raining men, every specimen ♪

♪ Tall, blonde, dark, and lean ♪

♪ Rough and tough and strong and mean ♪

♪ God bless mother nature ♪

♪ She's a single woman, too ♪

♪ She took off to heaven ♪

♪ And she did what she had to do ♪

♪ She taught every angel ♪

♪ She rearranged the sky ♪

♪ So that each and every woman ♪

♪ Could find her perfect guyyy ♪

♪ Ooh, it's raining men, yeah ♪

[Cheers and applause]

JACOBSEN: Holy cow!

What do I do with this?

[Cheers and applause]

Wow.

What does that song mean to you?

Like... ?

To me, that song means that
there are men everywhere

waiting to be scooped up, ladies.

Let's do this!

Let's get dudes and do stuff to them!

[Laughter]

They're like, "What?"

So, Abbi, are you drenched,
or was it a dry spell?

What do you think?

No, that was good.

- That was really good.
- She drenched!

- I'm drenched.
- Whoo!

She wet.

[Laughter] Chrissy, be good.

What did you think?

I thought it was fabulous!

Whoo!

[Laughter]

This is funny.

Okay, stay tuned

to see who wins the Lip
Sync Championship belt.

We'll find out in a moment.

♪ It's raining men, hallelujah ♪

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ Everybody says it's
just like rock 'n' roll ♪

Welcome back to "Lip Sync Battle."

You've seen amazing
performances by two comics

who proved they can lip sync like pros.

That is absolutely the truth, right?

[Cheers and applause]

And now, the moment has come.

Chrissy, the belt, please.

All right.

Are you guys ready?

Is the winner Abbi Jacobson?

[Cheers and applause]

Or is the winner Ilana Glazer?

[Louder cheers and applause]

And the winner and "Lip
Sync Battle" champion is...

Ilana Glazer!

[Cheers and applause]

Take a walk.

It might have been them six
packs saying "hallelujah."

Oh, yeah.

Walk it out. Walk it out.

Wipe it down.

So, so, so, so, so... oh,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

TEIGEN: Okay. It's okay.

I'll hold it for you. I'll hold it for you.

I feel good. I still feel really good.

Now, will you wear it
or will you display it?

I will both wear it,
and then I'll display it

in our office, so we will be sharing it.

- Aww!
- Okay.

I was gonna force Abbi to do the same thing

if it had been her.

So, what's the feeling right now?

What's the... what are
you feeling right now?

Heavy... metal... glitter.

I'm gonna go... Ooh!

[Cheers and applause]

We did it.

We did this show!

We had another fantastic night.

Make sure to check out
our next lip sync battle.

I'm LL Cool J.

From, me, Chrissy, and everyone

in the "Lip Sync" crew, goodnight.

And remember, knock 'em out the box, L.

Knock 'em out, L.

Make some noise!

[Cheers and applause]

♪ Don't try to fight the feeling ♪

♪ 'Cause the thought alone
is killin' me right now ♪

♪ Hey-y ya ♪

♪ Hey ya ♪

We love you. We love you.

Thank you for coming. We
appreciate you so much.

♪ Hey-y ya ♪

All right, now

All right, now, fellas

MEN: Yeah?

Now, what's cooler than being cool?