Lip Service (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

My aunt just died.

"This is your Aunt Carol
here. I need you to come home."

There's something I need
to tell you face to face."

We haven't seen each other
in two years, so I thought...

You'd waltz back in and
everything would be ok now?

Why are you doing in Glasgow anyway?

Frankie was two years ago.

How much more ready can you be?

Hi.

You're Cat.

I'm really sorry, but I've got to dash.



I'll catch you later?

Aunt Carol wanted to tell
me something before she died.

Do you know what it was?

If she had anything to say
to you, she'd have told me.

Have you checked out Lou Foster yet?

Presents Afternoons with Lou and Tom.

I just thought she might be your type.

Well, she's everyone's type,
but she's really straight.

I've wanted to kiss a woman forever.

And you're gorgeous.

I really missed you.

I really missed you, too.

resynced and corrected by chamallow

ECSTATIC MOANING



Right about...

SHE MOANS

SHE MOANS

So...

how did you get to be so good at that?

Er, I took classes at the
local education college.

SHE LAUGHS

Shit.

I've got to get to the studio.

Sorry.

So, then...

what are you up to today?

Er...

usual hectic timetable.

Dole office followed by a bit of

lunchtime telly, maybe an afternoon nap.

- Still no word from your agent?
- No.

I'm beginning to think I should just quit,

try my hand at something else.

Don't say that. Things will pick up.

Actually,

I was thinking,

you know you mentioned two runners
had dropped out of your show?

Oh, you wouldn't want to do
that. It's really shitty work.

You've got such a busy schedule,
we'd get to spend more time together.

Erm...

I'll put a word in with
the production manager.

Ok.

Tess, look, you wouldn't be
able to tell anyone about us.

No. God, I completely understand. I'd
say we were just friends or something.

Great.

SHE LOCKS THE DOOR

SHOWER RUNS

VIBRATOR BUZZES

# This is my home

# The place where I'm lonely

# This is my home

# The place where I'm lonely

# Ghost... is... not... real

# This is my home

# The one and sweet home

# Ghost... is... not... real

# This is my home...

Morning!

Tess, why is there a pair of dirty
socks under the kitchen table?

Er, they made a break for freedom

and escaped from the washing machine.

I don't mean to seem rude, but can you
put things away when you finish using them?

This has been here so long,
it's virtually an installation!

Putting away. Look at
me, putting them away.

There you go.

Look,

you don't have to go to the
funeral if you don't want to.

You don't owe Frankie anything.

It's her aunt's funeral and I
want to be a grown-up about this.

Anyway, I've avoided for her
long enough. If I want to move on,

I need to be able to be around
her without it doing my head in.

How was your night?

Let's just say I didn't get much sleep.

Has she gone down on you yet?

Look, it's her first time with a woman.

She's bound to be a bit anxious.
Doesn't make her straight.

So she's a total pillow princess and
you're putting in all the elbow grease.

Well...

at least I'm not sitting round
moping about Chloe anymore.

And she's trying to get
me a job at her show,

so she's obviously not
that uptight about us.

She's going to tell
people she's seeing you?

No.

But...

Why don't you ask her
to dinner with Ed and me?

Something low-key, coax
her out of the closet.

Good idea. Maybe I will.

CAMERA CLICKS

We're going to be late.
It starts in half an hour.

It's not like my family can
form a worse impression of me.

You are all right, aren't you?

I mean, about going to this?

Yeah, fine, I liked your aunt.
I'm happy to pay my respects.

Nice outfit.

What, this? I just drag it out of the
cupboard for funerals and interviews.

I see you dressed for the occasion.

Well, I was going to wear the twinset
and pearls but I thought better of it.

Excuse me.

Hum, could you tell me where I could
find the production manager, Mark Simons?

Just down there. Short, stocky guy.

Fuck him!

No, seriously, fuck him!

He should be paying me for staring
at his great big fat fucking face!

Well, he can fuck off, then!

Tell him from me, Mark said fuck off!

Hi.

Hang on, Jerry.

I'm Tess Roberts.

Lou Foster mentioned me
about the runner's job.

Yeah, I remember. The actress.

- That's what I've been
doing but actually I was...
- Can you make tea?

Yeah.

Can you start today? I've
had two idiots bail on me.

Yeah.

Great. Well, see the production
secretary. She will sort you out.

Then find Jamie, the other runner.

He will show you the ropes.

Oh, and when you find
that no-good son of mine,

if he's still listening to
his iPod and reading magazines,

tell the lazy little shit
to do some fucking work!

Sorry, Jerry.

Mostly people just ask you
to get shit, you know, like...

drinks and stuff.

But they always want it yesterday,

cos it's live television

so they're always freaking out.

Ah, and you...

have to wear... this.

So they know you're a runner.

May we who mourn be
reunited one day with Carol.

Together, may we meet Jesus
Christ when he who is our life...

You don't have to do this.

We read in the sacred scripture...

No, sod it. I'm here now.

..says the Lord,

inherit the kingdom prepared for
you since the foundation of the world

in sure and certain hope of the resurrection
to eternal life through our Lord, Jesus Christ.

We commend to almighty
God our sister, Carol,

and we commit her body to
the ground, its resting place.

Earth to earth.

Ashes to ashes.

Dust to dust.

The Lord bless her and keep her.

The Lord make his face to shine upon her

and be gracious to her.

- Wait here.
- Frankie!

The Lord lift up his countenance
upon her and give her peace.

- Can I have that, please?
- No.

Forget it!

LOW CHATTER

They always look like that.

Brassy and vacuous.

Bet he had that one on
the go while she was dying.

What does she see in him?

Well, he can be quite charming
when you first meet him.

Takes a while to realise
he's a piece of work.

Hi, Frankie.

Cat. Thought it was you.

- How are you?
- I'm fine, thanks.

I'm sorry about your mum.

She was always lovely to me.

Thanks.

I thought it might be easier cos we knew she
was ill for a long time before she died, but

it doesn't really make any difference.

How long?

How long was she ill for, Karen?

We didn't know where you were.

Found me when you wanted
to, though, didn't you?

Did he tell you not to contact me?

Frankie, don't.

He's not like he is with
you with me. We get on.

Yeah, I noticed.

You haven't been written
out of history like I have.

Well, I would've put pictures of you
up, but we don't have them anymore.

Don't tell me he got rid of them?

No. She did.

The album she made of you as a kid,

it's gone.

She asked the lawyer who's handling
her will to send it to someone.

Who the hell would want my photos?

I don't know.

- Does he know where they are?
- No.

I asked him and he doesn't.

Look, I really need to go
and say hello to people.

See you later. Ok?

MUFFLED VOICES

- No, this girl was saying...
- Hi.

Oh! Hi.

They said you wanted a coffee.

Thanks. I, er, didn't think
they'd get you started so soon.

Well, Mark was stressed about
losing the other runner, so...

Mark's generally stressed about something.

Sorry, erm,

- Tom, this is Tess.
- Hi.

Tess is an old school friend

and an actress.

She's gonna be doing a bit of running
for the show while she's resting.

Old school chums, eh?

So, what was Lou like at school?

I bet she was a bit of a heart-breaker.

Don't be silly, Tom, I was no such thing.

- Oh come on!
- Tom, don't you have to get to
makeup? We're on in an hour.

Yes.

I'll leave you two to reminisce
about the good old days.

Nice to meet you, Tess.

I'll, er, see you later, alligator.

You two seem to get on well.

Oh, you're not jealous of Tom, are you?

He's sweet, but he looks like a potato.

I couldn't blame him if he did fancy you.

Tess! Tess! What are you doing?

- Sorry. The door was
shut, I just thought...
- Yeah, well you thought wrong!

If someone came in here, it'd be
all over the studio in two minutes!

I said I'm sorry ok?

I won't do it again.

I guess I'll see you later.

- Erm, is it all right if
I leave my bag here?
- Yeah, it's fine.

LOW CHATTER

Look at him.

Doing the nice guy routine.

Can't believe he didn't want
me to know my aunt was ill.

Why don't I get you a glass.

I'm fine with this.

What?

I won't be getting any
inheritance. Might as well cash in.

I think we should go now.

You know, you are looking
really good in that.

What are you doing?

Remember when we got these?

I never thought you'd go through with it.

Frankie, stop.

Come on, we're making their day.

I said stop!

Outside! Now!

What is wrong with you?

We didn't bring you up to be like this!

You did not bring me up at all!

I don't know why you bothered to come.

She didn't love you, you know?

Not like her own kid.

Even as a little girl, it was
obvious you were damaged goods.

Fuck you!

Yep. No worries. I'm on it.

Right, ok.

The celebrity booker needs a dolce latte

and a special macchiato and a decaf

frappé cappuccino for her guests.

Oh, and Bob the cameraman
wants a skinny cinnamon latte.

Right, ok, I've got to get back,
they probably need me on the floor.

Oh, shit.

What was...

Excuse me, do you know where
I'll find Bob the cameraman?

Over there, doll.

He's the good-looking
bastard with the blond hair.

- Can't miss him.
- Ok. Thanks.

Excuse me. Coming through.

So, how are things going
with your girlfriend?

What? Which one you're talking?

- THEY LAUGH
- Coming through.

He said he was coming through.

She didn't get out of the way.

Jesus.

Jesus! What the fuck are you doing?

I was just trying to
get Bob's coffee order.

Coffee?

Do you know how much this is worth?

Thanks to you, I have to do a
wedding cake feature without a cake!

Erm, I think the bottom
tier's ok, actually.

Are you ok?

I went to live with him when
I was three, I'm used to it.

That's doesn't make it all right.

He's hiding something
from me, I know he is.

Don't let him get to
you. That's what he wants.

What do you know?

I know what difficult families are like.

Oh, really?

What did yours do?

Cheat at Monopoly?

Or send you to ballet classes?

I know you're upset.

I came here because...

I want to help

and taking things out on me
isn't going to make it better.

You're all so fucking
reasonable, aren't you?

What makes you think you're
qualified to help anyone?

Do you know how much I missed you?

Now I wonder why I bothered.

- SHE LOCKS THE DOOR
- Are you ok?

Erm, I just came to get my bag. So...

You don't want to take any
notice of what Mark says.

He's like that with everyone.

Yeah.

Come here.

Come on.

Oh, so this is ok now, is it?

You know, it isn't just about
me, it's about you, as well.

If the tabloids got hold of
this, you'd be miserable, too.

Come on, don't be angry. I'm sorry.

How about...

you come over to mine tonight

and... I can make it up to you.

Actually,

I was thinking maybe you come to mine,

have dinner with Ed and
Cat. They'd love to meet you.

Yeah, right, why not?

Amazing.

Hi, Tess.

Not great.

Bloody Frankie, that's what.

I'd forgotten how
totally impossible she is.

I'll tell you about it later.

Lou? Tonight?

No, no, that's fine. Ok,
I'll see you then. Bye.

Hey! Hey! Hey, give it back!

Give me...

it back! Give me my phone!

- Hey!
- Stop hitting me! Argh! Stop hitting me!

This is bloody ridiculous!

I'm the victim here! You can't
genuinely be taking him seriously.

The situation is this.

- Because he's saying you assaulted him...
- Assault?

I was trying to retrieve my
mobile which he stole from me!

Is everything all right here?

We brought in a Peter McGuigan, sarge.

He's alleging this lady assaulted him.

She says she only hit
him after he stole...

There's no "she said" about
it. He did steal my mobile.

Why don't you two go and talk
to Peter and I'll deal with this.

Whatever you say, sarge.

Are you ok?

Oh, yeah. I love it when I'm the victim
of a crime and then I get interrogated.

They didn't hum,

rough you up or anything, did they?

You know what the police are like.

Oh, I see, you've come in here to gloat.

It's not enough that some
little shit steals from me,

now you're gonna have
a laugh at my expense.

Actually I thought you might need my help.

- But if you want me to go...
- Well, you do have a habit
of walking out on people.

Yeah. Only when people imply I'm
a thug on the very first date.

Look, for what it's worth,

I'd had a shit day, and I really
liked you, so I got nervous and I

messed things up. It's
not a crime, is it?!

And just for the record, I don't
usually behave like a freak!

- Apart from this moment,
you beating up minors?
- He stole...

my mobile!

Look, I know the boy.

Ok? He's always on the rob,
and mobiles are his speciality.

With his record,

he isn't gonna get very
far with this assault story.

Oh, so I'm not gonna be
charged with anything?

Not unless you've got a history
of violence I don't know about.

My officers will just need to
take a statement and then...

then you're out of here.

Thanks.

For looking out for me.
You don't have to do that.

Sorry about having a go earlier.

I was a nightmare date.

And it isn't a crime not to fancy someone.

I never said I didn't fancy you.

How about another date tomorrow night?

Wine's in the fridge,

trifle's in the fridge,

lasagne's ready in ten minutes.

Shit. I need to put
the nuts on the trifle.

Where are the nuts?

Don't tell me I left my shopping
in the supermarket again.

Well, that's a disaster.

If my girlfriend served
me trifle with no nuts,

ooh, that would be it.

Don't take the piss, I want it to be nice.

And don't call her my girlfriend in
front of her. We're not at that stage yet.

Damn it, where are they?

I love you, you're a genius.

If you grumble about the mess,
I'm going to call the police.

Ha-ha.

So what was the argument
with your uncle about?

I think we can safely say
I'm a disappointment to him.

Which is good,

because if he approved of
me, I'd be really worried.

How did it go with Cat?

Shit.

Is that all I get? Shit?

What is this, on the coach with Jay Adams?

I'm bored of me. Tell me about you.

How's the gripping world of architecture?

Great, yeah.

I skived off this afternoon.

Went shopping.

Yeah, I can see you in these.

It's a different look,

- but definitely good.
- Yes, yes. They're for Becky.

It's our two-year anniversary tomorrow.

- 32C?
- Mm-hm.

Nice.

Well, these are obviously her present
for you. Did you get her anything?

Jesus!

I've never known you buy
a woman a hamburger before!

Well, Becky's different.

Look at Jay, gone all romantic.

We should get you an
Enrique Iglesias album.

...

Yeah, yeah, piss off.

Seriously, though, how
come Becky's the one?

I don't know.

She doesn't let me get away
with any crap, for a start.

She can drink me under the table.

She's smart.

I don't know.

I'm just in love with her. You
can't explain that, can you?

Go on, then.

Slay me. I know you want to.

No, I get it.

So is this it, then?

Marriage, kids, mortgage, all that?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess it is.

Listen, I'm 30.

All right? I can't shag around forever.

Ed, fingers!

You realise you sound exactly like mum?

Well, we do have a real
life celebrity coming.

- She doesn't want your
dirty mess all over her food.
- I'm not dirty.

I haven't even pleasured myself today.

Way, way too much information.

Well,

personnally, I think we're
going to way too much trouble

for someone who won't even
admit she's seeing Tess.

Oh!

You're total heroes!

- How do I look?
- Gorgeous.

Great.

Right, er, she's late. I'm gonna

put the lasagna on the table

- and then we can eat once she gets here.
- MOBILE PHONE RINGS

She probably can't find the flat.

Hi! Are you lost?

Oh, right.

Right, ok. Erm...

Well, if you're sure...

Yeah.

Yeah, ok, I'll see you tomorrow.

Ok, bye.

Erm...

She's not coming.

You're kidding?

No, she said she's exhausted.

Oh, come on.

Too exhausted to eat a bit of
dinner? That's totally lame.

Yeah, erm...

Maybe I pushed her too
hard, or I don't know...

Don't do that.

That's what I did with Frankie,
blamed myself for her crap behaviour.

Yeah, well, Lou isn't Frankie.

- Yeah, but...
- Just leave it, ok?

DOOR SLAMS

Karen, hi, it's Frankie.

Yeah, I'm all right. Listen I was
wondering if you could remember the name

of the lawyer that's
dealing with Auntie's will.

Yeah.

If the cop rings and you miss her
call, she will leave a message.

But you think she will ring?

Not at eight in the morning.
Not unless she's a stalker.

I just really want things
to be easy this time.

Come on, what do you reckon?

Afternoon? Just before she wants to meet?

I really don't know, Cat.

Sorry. Are you ok?

Yeah, great!

My bright idea to mix business
with pleasure is really working out.

You gonna talk to her about last night?

I don't know what I'm gonna do, and...

I'm really not in the mood for a lecture.

Where's my mobile?

WASHING MACHINE CLUNKS

Erm...

KNOCK AT DOOR

Look, I'm sorry about last night.

But I told you where
I'm at right now and...

if you can't handle it,

there's nothing I can do about it.

It just would've been nice to
have a bit of notice, that's all.

Sorry.

I just didn't realise how
I felt until I got home and

I was just so tired, I
needed an early night.

Thinking of starting a family?

What? Oh, no.

We're interviewing the
author this afternoon.

She's some... bloody
boring child psychologist.

Oh, I'm surprised to see you
in one piece this morning.

Bob drank so much he's called in sick.

You could always dial 999.

Ha-ha.

Can I borrow your mobile?

I swear, the devil sends these
interns here to distract me.

No, they're sent here to learn, and
I hired her so no leading her astray.

You spoil all my fun.

Mobile!

Send the cop my love.

So, how can I help you?

Apparently, my aunt asked you to send
someone a photo album after she died.

Yes, I remember.

They sent me to fix the
problem with the windows.

I'm with a client right now. I'll be out
of the office later, you can do it then.

Sorry, you were saying.

The photo album.

I want to know who she sent it to.

I'm afraid your aunt was very explicit

about not passing that information on.

But I'm her niece.

She brought me up.

It's my childhood photo album.

That doesn't make any difference.

She was my client and I'm legally
obliged to respect her wishes.

- You're joking, right?
- I'm afraid not.

I can find someone to help you
contest the will if you like.

But that can be a lengthy procedure.

And all the while, some rich
twat lines their pockets?

Piss off.

I'll find out some other way.

Haven't you rung yet?

I'm going to look like an idiot!

Yesterday my mobile was
stolen, today it's in the wash.

Wha... What are you doing?

- Jay!
- I need my phone back.

- You're going to be in here all day.
- No, no, no!

Hi. Hi.

- Hi. Can I speak to Detective
Sergeant Murray, please?
- Oh, God.

Thanks.

Hello?

Hi. It's Cat.

That's you, mate.

Hey. I want you to do me a favour.

Well, I don't even know you.

Well, I'd be very... very grateful.

I need a name and address.

Why do I always end up with
women who treat me like shit?

Well...

I'm not going to stand for it this time.

Oh, I've got to go. Bye.

- Sorry, I was...
- Getting paid to chat to
your mates, I can see that.

Look, the celebrity booker's sick.

We need someone to get out to the
airport and pick up Marie Chambers.

Her flight's delayed, so get a taxi ASAP

and get her back here fast.

And no mistakes this time!

Another fiasco like yesterday
and you're out of a job.

Erm...

PHONE RINGS

"Hi, this is Cat. Leave me a message."

Name's Annie Cawthorne. That's an address.

Great. Thank you.

It's a pretty rough
estate on the Southside.

So what's this all about, anyway?

Oh, just some boring family stuff.

- You wouldn't be interested.
- I might be.

Why don't you, er, tell
me about it over a pint?

Sorry, can't.

Places to go, people to see.

But I thought you said
that we were gonna...

I said that I'd be very grateful.

And I am. So thank you.

Bitch.

Tell me something I don't know.

I just really want it to go well
this time. I'm hopeless at flirting.

I get nervous and then

I get too heavy.

- Please, come on, Jay,
you're great at this stuff.
- Ok!

Ok.

Why not try asking her

what's the most interesting
thing she's ever done

with her truncheon.

Jay, I am serious.

All right, all right,
I'm being serious now.

General knowledge.

What's the capital of Australia?

I hate you.

- I really hate you.
- That's interesting!

Most people think it's Sydney.

But it's not.

Marie...

Erm...

Excuse me.

Are you... Are you Marie Chambers?

Marie Chambers?

Yes.

- I heard you the first time.
- Sorry.

I'm not bloody deaf.

Ooh! Erm,

are you ok? Are you ok? I'll just...

It's just this way. Just...

Oh!

Wobbly lino. Somebody should
do something about that.

DISTANT SIREN

SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Hello?

Hello?

No, wait!

Wait! I just want to talk to you!

Hi, Mark, it's Tess again.

Listen, I think...

Well, don't think! Just get her the
fuck over here! We go live in 20 minutes!

"Hi, this is Cat. Leave me a message."

We're really late and
you're on the air in, like,

ten minutes.

Why don't you take a seat here?

And...

erm... I'll go... I'll go
and see about the drink.

Marie?

Erm... Dr Chambers?

Shit. You are really late.

SHE SNORES

What's up with her?

She's drunk! She can't go on.

- Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
- "Two minute call for Marie Chambers."

What are we going to do?

You do it.

- What?
- You're an actress. You do it.

It's only daytime telly. I was an ASBO
teen on a difficult neighbours feature.

It was fine!

Just...

make some shit up.

Or do you want to get the sack?

- Cos you so will.
- SHE SNORES

If they go live without a guest,

Lou will fall apart.

"Marie Chambers due on set."

Have you actually read this?

Aye. Shite.

"VT due to end in ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, three...

"Ok, and Marie's all set.

- Let's go to introductions."
- Today's phone-in feature

is with Marie Chambers,

the award-winning author of

The Crucial Years
- Your Child From 0 To 7.

I'm sure you're all dying to meet her.

Come on in, Marie.

Marie's drunk.

Trust me, I'll get you through.

Well, Marie, it's a
pleasure to finally meet you.

Tom and I are huge fans of your work

and we're delighted that
you cold be with us today.

Thank you. I'm delighted to be here.

"Ok, Lou, we're running
late, let's go to phone-in."

Right, well I know loads of our viewers

will want to talk to you. So, shall
we see who has the first question?

We have Lyn from Balmedie on line one.

- Hi, Lyn.
- Hi, Lyn.

Hi, Lyn.

"Hi, Marie. My little
boy is four months old

but he still cries
continuously through the night.

I was wondering what you'd suggest.

We're getting desperate."

Well...

I can imagine if someone

kept me up all night, I'd
be pretty desperate, too.

Unless they were hot, obviously.

I mean a hot adult, not a baby.

Anyway, erm,

what I would suggest is

reading to him.

That should settle him.

Has he heard Watership Down?

"He's four months old."

Yes, well,

advanced literature can be extremely
stimulating to the young mind.

It's like, it's like people in

comas, isn't it? They don't seem...

like they're listening...

..but they are.

Anyway, thank you, Lyn.

We've now got Joanne from Stromeferry.

- Hi, Joanne.
- "Hi, Marie.

My son, Johnny, is seven and
he's constantly acting out.

We've tried to give him reassurance
but he's not getting any better."

Right Joanne. Well, it

sounds like Johnny's a bit of a handful.

Some kids are just brats, aren't they,

and there's not much you can do about it,

except maybe, except maybe, er,
boarding school. That would...

or a really...

scary nanny.

"Ok, wrap it up, wrap it up, right now!

She's not Marie Chambers! Run
the bloody makeup feature!"

Well, thank you, Marie.
That was enlightening,

but I'm afraid it's
all we've got time for.

Now let's take a wee look at how Julianne
got on with her makeover from earlier on.

Have you lost your mind?!

What the fuck were you thinking?!

Marie was drunk.

- I tried to tell you.
- Not bloody hard enough, obviously!

Jesus! Where did you come from?!

You're an imbecile.

Get out.

You're sacked!

I never want to see your face again!

- Hey.
- Hey.

Someone's looking sharp.

Don't I always?

I'm picking Becky up from work.
It's our anniversary dinner

and I am late.

Help yourself to anything you want, ok?

Actually, I want Cat's new address.

I was gonna pop around
andask her about something.

It's 92 McClure Street, but
tonight may not be the best night.

She's off on another date with that cop.

- Whatever. It can wait.
- Laters.

Hey.

I, er, heard about what happened
with Mark. I'm really sorry.

Sod it, I don't care about this stupid
job. It was never going anywhere.

What I am upset about

is you lying to me.

Well, hang on a second,
I was tired but then...

So you thought you'd blow me out and make me
look like a fool in front of all my friends?

It's one thing you telling
everyone I'm your school chum,

it's a whole other thing
you bullshitting me.

And by the way, I don't give a shit

about what the tabloids say.

It's you who's the coward Lou,

because... because that's
what it comes down to,

you're a complete coward.

LOU SOBS

Come on, don't cry.

No, you're right.

I am a coward.

Look...

I was gonna come last night,
I really was. I got ready and...

and then I just bottled it.

I felt terrible, and that's
why I went for a drink.

But if you're fed up
with me, I'd understand.

I never said that.

It's ok.

It's not like I'm perfect.

SHE LAUGHS

No, but you're very funny.

It wasn't funny, it was lunatic.

Well, you were a damn sight more
interesting than she would've been.

Erm...

Look, Tess...

- I do really like you, you know?
- I really like you, too.

KNOCK AT DOOR Lou!

THEY LAUGH

- Lou, are you there?
- Shit!

- Want to come back to mine?
- Sure.

DOOR BUZZER

Can I come in?

- I tried to call.
- Oh.

Tess put my mobile in
the washing machine, so...

SHE LAUGHS

Er, I'm here because I
wanted to ask you something.

Do you remember my auntie ever
talking about an Annie Cawthorne?

Don't think so. Why?

It's a bit of a long story.
Do you want to go for a drink?

I... I owe you a pint after yesterday.

Sorry, I can't, I'm going out.

Oh, come on!

I'm not being funny, but you're not
seriously interested in a cop, are you?

So you know I'm going on a date, do you?

But you thought you'd just turn up anyway.

Yeah, well like I said, I
needed to ask you something.

I can't believe you.

It's a shame you weren't ever this
interested when you had my full attention.

Yeah, I should go. I'll
fill you in another time.

No wait.

Seeing as you're here,

there's something I want to ask you.

Why did you do it, Frankie?

Why did you get me to leave my girlfriend
and then piss off to the States?

- I told you, I wasn't ready.
- Yeah, I remember.

Only you persuaded me, you pursued me.

So "I wasn't ready"
doesn't really make sense.

You weren't going to stay with her anyway.

- Ah, and that makes it ok, does it?
- I'm sorry.

For fucking me over
or for being a fuck up?

If it's company you're after, why
don't you go and shag that receptionist.

Or is she another one
of your hit and runs?

Anyway, like I said, I have to go out.

And yeah, I do want to date
a cop. She's honest and kind.

And that's what I'm after these days.

DOOR SHUTS

So, why architecture?

Well, I'm quite arty,
so I like that about it.

And you need to be
precise, so that's good.

I'm very tidy. I even iron my
socks. I drive my flatmate mad.

Are you ok?

Yeah, fine. Why?

You just seem a bit anxious, that's all.

Sorry.

It's not you, I'm just...

dates make me nervous.

I'm really bad at small
talk, hopeless at flirting

and I haven't been on one in
a while, so I'm really rusty.

That's ok. I tried on four
different outfits before I came out

and then I nearly left
the price tag in my shirt.

How much did you cost?

£34.99. I'm very affordable.

Almost a bargain.

Well, it looks great on you.

The shirt.

So you can flirt.

That's not very advanced.

Maybe you just need some more practice.

Try me again.

Great smile.

Yep, you're coming along very nicely.

So how come you haven't dated in a while?

I had a really bad breakup with someone,

my best friend, in fact.

We got involved and it
sort of crashed and burned.

The ex you'd run into the
last time we had a drink.

But you're over it now?

Yep, I think I really am.

I'm fed up of making the same
mistakes. I want to date someone

well-adjusted for a change.

Sounds like a good plan.

I should fix you up with someone.

# Crashing

# And crashing

# Crashing

# And crashing

# Picking up

# The glittering parcel

Actually, I'm...

I'm really glad we're
giving this another go.

That is such a relief, cos
I'm bursting for the loo

and I was really worried you
wouldn't be here when I got back.

SHE LAUGHS

I'm not going anywhere.

# Crashing and crashing

# Shouldn't do it

# Shouldn't do it

# Shouldn't do it

# Shouldn't do it

# I never had the patience

# For the lure of the west

# Never had the patience

# For the lure of the west

# The look of love

# Is a 20-20 vision converter

# The look of love

# Is a stone cold sucker's illusion

# God of magic

# God, you are magic

# So damn cold

TESS MOANS ECSTATICALLY

Turn over.

# The frost and the fire

# The fire and the frost

# The fire and the frost

# It's not the man

# It's not the man

# It's not the man, it's the sun

# And I never had the patience

# For the lure of the west

# No, I never had the patience

# For the lure of the west

Any good?

Nah.

Horoscopes are bollocks, but I
like them because I'm Scorpio.

Apparently, I'm mysterious and sexy.

If I was a Virgo, I'd probably hate them.

- What are you?
- Virgo.

SHE LAUGHS

Sod it.

Tact's never been my strong suit,

but life's too short to get
embarrassed, don't you think?

So do you often steal stuff?

Yeah, all the time.

Although, I'm very ethical.

I only rob from the
big chains and the rich.

Sort of a modern-day Robin Hood?

Ooh! I like that!

Next time I get nicked, that's
what I'm going to tell them.

So is there a Maid Marian?

What makes you think I
don't fuck my merry men?

Call it female intuition.

Nah. There's no Maid Marian.

I think she might cramp my style.

I'm Sadie, by the way.

Frankie.

FRANKIE LAUGHS

Nice pad.

Well, you weren't kidding
when you said you were tidy.

Do you want a drink? I've got...

tea, coffee, beer, wine.

A beer. A beer would be great, thank you.

- Casing the joint?
- Nah. I'm just nosy.

So does he rent or is it on a mortgage?

What?

Sorry. I'm an estate agent.

I guess you must have to be
quite brave doing your job.

- SHE LAUGHS
- No, not really.

I'm a DS, Detective Sergeant, so

mostly I just sit behind a desk and
get other people to be brave for me.

I remember when I first joined up and I

I was on the beat and I get
a call to chase a suspect so,

I'm running around, I'm
trying to find him and then

I suddenly thought,

"Shit, what am I gonna do
if I actually catch him?"

- So what do you do?
- I'm a photographer.

Oh. That's much more glamorous.

And did you catch him?

No.

I stopped looking and
hid behind some bushes.

But you still made detective.

Yeah, I guess I'm...

I'm pretty good at lots of other things.

I'm very photogenic.

Do you want to take some snaps?

I don't mix business with pleasure.

Were you hoping for stories
of how big and butch I am?

Not really.

I think, if you were...

genuinely fearless, it
might be a bit intimidating.

You're right. Look at
me, boring on about work.

So, what shall we do instead, I wonder?

Fancy a fuck?

Always.

I can be brave sometimes.

Yeah?

ECSTATIC MOANING

ECSTATIC MOANING

- MUFFLED MOANS
- Do you think they're ever gonna stop?

Maybe we should make our own noise.

Drown them out.

Jay.

I've got to get up in five hours.

SHE SCREAMS AND MOANS

Shall I call you a cab?

I didn't bring any cash with me.

Do you mind if I kip here?

Yeah, whatever.

MUFFLED VOICES

It's definitely gone.
It was in the bathroom.

I put it back in its box
before we went to bed.

Well, it must be here. A necklace
doesn't just go walkabout.

It isn't cos I've looked everywhere.

Well, who the hell could've taken it?

Frankie wouldn't have touched it.

She had someone here last night.

Morning.

Morning.

I wouldn't take you for the tattoo type.

Oh, I'm not really.

It wasn't my idea.

Whose was it?

No-one important.

Cat, this is Frankie.

Frankie will be doing the
photos for our new brochure.

Something was sent here.

A photo album sent to someone
called Annie Cawthorne.

You wanna tell me why
the hell you were there.

I know this is huge for
you, I know it is, but

- we're gonna be fine.
- Yeah.

If I lose out on this job
because of her, I swear to God!

Who's that, then?

It's Hayley, the fit intern.

Is that her full title?

Got your attention, then?

resynced and corrected by chamallow