Lip Service (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

Yeah. Eyes to me.

Yeah, that's good.

So, how long have you been in the States?

Two years.

- Why do you move here?
- Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Keep it to me.

So you're from London?

Yeah.

But I moved to Glasgow when I was eleven.

My boyfriend's family's from Europe.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. We're getting hitched.



My manager wanted us to do
this lame rock wedding thing

but we thought we'd sneak up to
Vegas and do it Chapel of Love style.

Sounds great.

Can I just...

Yeah.

He's a great guy too.

Looks like a real hard man, but...

he's a total softy.

And how long have you been into women?

I didn't say I was.

You don't have to.

They'll be wanting us out of here.

MOBILE RINGS

Better tell them we're still busy.



Yeah?

Karen!

When?

I see...

Um... I'm working right now.

Can I get you on this
number in a couple of hours?

Ok, bye.

Are you ok?

My aunt just died.

I'm so sorry, were you close?

My uncle and aunt brought
me up after my parents died.

God, I'm so sorry.

Don't be.

The way I see it,

one family member down, two to go.

Now, where were we?

MUSIC: "I Fought the
Angels" by The Delgados.

ANSWER-PHONE: 'You
have three new messages

"Message one."

Hey, Frankie! Al here. Where are you?

I've been calling your cell for
days. Are you out chasing tail again?

You outrageous tart.

Call me.

"Message two."

This is a message for Ms Alan regarding
the outstanding payment on your credit card.

Can you call us to discuss. Thank you.

"Message three."

This is your Aunty Carol here.

Francesca I'm, I'm...

I need you to come home.

There's something I want...

I need to tell you face to
face. I hope you'll forgive me.

"You have no more messages."

Cigarette?

- All right, gorgeous?! How much?
- Hello!

- So the flight sucked?
- Yeah, well, it would've been fine

if the guy next to me hadn't
got to chatting about his kids.

See when that happens I just zone
out and stare at the air hostesses.

I have this fantasy about stripping their
clothes off and taking them up the aisle.

Jay you have fantasies about
everyone except own mum and sister.

That is not true.

My sister's quite hot.

Are you all right, by the way?

You know, about your aunt.

I haven't spoken to her in ten
years so what's the difference?

I've been needing a break from New
York so this was the perfect excuse.

I was thinking about popping
into the office later for lunch.

Lunch? No, I don't know if
that's such a good idea. Um...

Cat's joined the firm.

I suppose she's still angry with me?

Well, you know, she doesn't really
talk about you much these days.

Were you hoping to see
her while you're over?

Um, maybe.

You haven't told her about my aunt?

No!

Look, I haven't told her you're over.

I'm keeping well out of this.

Good.

Cat, look...

This is Chloe's Facebook picture.

And this is the picture I took
of her at your birthday party.

- One and the same!
- Tess, I just need to...

She dumps me and then the bitch

uses a sexy photo I took of
her as her Facebook picture.

Is it just me or is that criminal?

- It might just be you.
- She wasn't even on Facebook. She's...

she's probably only on there

to lure some new
girlfriend in to her lair.

Do you know what? She is history...

They can take her away and
incinerate her for all I care!

- That's my laundry basket.
- Good! She could do with a wash,

filthy trollop.

I'm on Gaydar.

The cop just asked me for a drink tonight.

Jesus. Bury the headline!

- Why didn't you say?
- I was trying to. I need to get back to her.

Do you think I should*
suggest another night?

When I have more time to prepare?

It's a date, Cat,

not the Miss Gay UK pageant.
I thought you liked her.

I do which is why I want
to make sure I'm ready.

Frankie was two years ago,

how much more ready can you be?

She's pretty, she's butch, she's a cop.

It's like, she's all your
fantasies rolled in to one.

I need a haircut, and my bedroom's a tip.

What if I want to bring her back here?

I mean, I haven't got that
tea stain on the carpet...

Yeah, well, Romeo was nuts for Juliet
till he saw the tea stain on her carpet.

You need to move on.

You're going. Tonight. Ok?

Tess!

Can you take Chloe out
of the laundry basket?

It's the second floor.

Why don't we go out on
the piss and catch up?

You can meet Becky.

Yeah, all right.

I borrowed the skirt off Cat.

- Yeah, you look great.
- No, I don't, I look rubbish!

How does your sister carry this off?

Maybe it just looks
better on a control freak.

Is he slacking again?

No. I'm engaged in the very important task
of helping Tess choose an audition outfit.

I wouldn't take his advice,

I'm the only one with style in our family.

Good luck!

- I'm off to work.
- See ya!

This is a disaster.

I've got exactly one hour to find an

audition outfit and I don't even know
what a face cream expert looks like.

Hopeless anyway.

I'm gonna be surrounded by a bunch of girlie
straight women who actually use face cream.

Damn it! Why did I have to find
out about her Facebook picture today

on the one day I could get
a job and sort my life out?

- Do you think she's gone on there to pull?
- No.

Everyone's on Facebook. It's what you do.

Well, that's why you joined though...

I'm so desperate I think going to
the dentist is a pulling opportunity.

Well, I don't understand.
You're kind and funny,

women should be queuing up.

Women of my age don't want
impoverished, would-be novelists.

They want rich, attractive
James Bond types who

- wrestle sharks and eat steak raw.
- You are attractive.

Really?

You've never said I'm attractive before.

Well, I am a lesbian so
I'm not sure it counts.

Oh this is so annoying.

I've got the perfect dress but I
left it at Chloe's when I moved out.

Sod it.

I'm going to go round there and get it.

- Are you sure that's a good idea?
- Yeah, why not? She'll be at work.

Come on. Look...

I'm not letting her ruin this
along with everything else.

I can't go on my own.

Please...

(SOBBING)

Shit.

Come on, we're going to be late!

- Here we go.
- Not that way.

Where are you going?

- This way!
- Tess!

Tess...

Tess...

I had to give my keys back but the
bedroom window's got a faulty catch.

If you jiggle the frame
you can get it open.

- What?!
- Can you help me up?

Wait a minute! You didn't say
anything about breaking in.

Well, it's no big deal.

We did it all the time
when we lost our keys.

That was when you lived herer.
Now, we're technically burglars.

You can't burgle something
that belongs to you.

- No!
- I thought you said you wanted to be like James Bond.

James Bond would help me up.

I was looking for you earlier.
They said you took the morning off.

Oh, yeah... I was at the, er...

doctors.

Phew! Have you checked
out Alistair's new PA?

She's got this whole
mysterious thing going on.

That's just what men say when they haven't seen a
woman naked yet. Anyway, you've got a girlfriend.

I'm only looking.

I'm relying on my single
friends for vicarious kicks.

A little bird tells me you've
got a date with a hot cop.

- I'm going to kill Tess.
- Come on, it's exciting.

I thought the whole cop
thing was getting you going.

I know, I know. It's just that I'm not

cut out for this whole blind dating thing.

I have no idea what to expect.

Just got to go with the flow.

Enjoy the spontaneity!

Actually,

scrub that, you'll never manage
it. How about I go instead?

She'd be welcome to
take down my particulars.

Are you ok?

Cat?

I've just got to... toilet.

Cat?!

I was only messing about.

Can you hurry up?

You're pretty heavy you know.

- Are you saying I'm fat?
- No, I'm saying you're

- dislocating my shoulder.
- Ah, got it!

Oops!

- Ready?
- Yeah...

Right. This way...

There's another wardrobe
in the living room.

- It's red silk, mid-length.
- Ok.

I can't find it.

I don't think it's going to be in there.

Are you ok?

Chloe doesn't wear contact lenses.

Well, maybe she does now.

And she isn't a D cup either.

Do you think she's seeing someone else?

No. She's probably just
got a friend staying.

DOOR OPENS, CHATTER

I thought you said she was at work?

She should be.

Shit. Hide.

Don't be ridiculous, we'll
have to tell her we're here.

- We can't, we broke in.
- You said it wasn't a big deal.

Well, I lied! Of course it's a big deal.

Get under here or I'm
going to have to kill you!

- So, did you clear it with your boss?
- No,

I'll probably get a tongue lashing.

Uh-uh. Me first.

MOANING AND GROANING

Yeah... Mmm ah...

I'm not listening to this.

- I'm going to crawl out.
- It's stupid, she'll see you!

- I'm going to miss my audition.
- Too bad!

Tess!

FLOORBOARD CREAKS

Oh, my God!

What the hell are you doing here?

I think she was under the bed!

I came to get my dress back.

Now I see why I couldn't find it.

And you just thought
you'd hide under the bed.

- Have you gone mad?
- Hi.

- How the hell did you even get in here?
- Bedroom window.

I told you to fix the lock.

- Why? To stop you breaking in?
- Would someone tell me what's going on?

I'm Tess, Chloe's ex.
Who the hell are you?

Shona.

What?

Not...

Not Shona who you got on so
well with at Spanish class?

I refuse to get in to this
when you shouldn't even be here.

Were you... were you seeing
her before you finished with me?

No!

Maybe it'd be better to tell the truth.

Just keep out of this, will you?

Oh, I'd get used to being
bossed around if I were you.

There's plenty more where that came from.

- Tess, I think we should go.

- Yes, go!
- I'm not going anywhere

till I get my dress back.

- I'll send it to you.
- I need it now.

- Are you sure you're ok?
- Yeah. Fine.

- Are you skiving off early?
- No, it's our last chance to

see the other designs for
the university library bid.

It closes today, do you want to come?

No, no. I've got a lot on.

What?!

I have!

I've got to check who's
following me on Twitter.

Not to mention updating my status.

Just say, "Jay Adams is a teenager
trapped in the body of a man."

There's plenty of time to
be a grown up when I'm old.

I hate to break it to you, but we are old.

If Alistair finds out you
didn't go he won't be happy.

It's fine, I've got it covered.

You can tell me all about
it and I'll pretend I did.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Cat, I expect all the
details on your date, right?

Not just the boring bits.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Good to see you too.

"How are you, Frankie?
I'm fine thanks. You?"

I'm working.

Now's not a good time. I
have to go to a... thing.

Well, mind if I walk with you?

I'll take that as a no.

- Going on a site visit?
- No.

Something interesting?

No, it's deathly dull, actually.

The council are displaying the
designs for our library bid.

Jay wheedled his way out of it.

I don't blame him. That is fucking dull.

Unless you've got fit waitresses handing
out canapés, that helps pass the time.

- Look, I'm sorry.
- What do you want, Frankie?

To talk to you.

And you didn't think to
call first, ask if it was ok?

I thought you might say no.

So you went ahead and
just turned up anyway?

Like I said, I can't talk
now, I have to be somewhere.

Sorry.

Hi. Hello. Tess Roberts, I'm here
to audition for Refresh face cream.

Right. Ok.

Um, if someone calls me can you
just tell them that I'm in the loo?

Yeah, that's fine, ok.

Shit...

Oh, no... oh, my God...

KNOCK AT DOOR -
Tess Roberts?- Shit.

Tess Roberts due in audition now.

- Can I just leave my bag here?
- Yes.

MAN: We're just casting
now. A bit tedious.

Well, I'll see you after lunch.

- Ok, Tess Roberts?
- Yeah.

- You've learnt your lines?
- Yes.

If you'd like to take
a seat next to Sally.

- Hi.
- Hi. When you're ready, ladies,

take it from the top.

I just have such dry skin. Whatever I do
it doesn't seem to make any difference.

Have you tried Refresh face cream?

Refresh has been scientifically proven...

Sorry, er, Trish?

- It's...
- Could you make sure you really punch up "refresh"

so you sound refreshed
when you say it? Ok?

Sally...

I just have such dry skin.

Whatever I do it doesn't
seem to make any difference.

Have you tried Refresh face cream?

Refresh has been scientifically
proven to retain moisture and

alleviate parched, dry skin.

Sorry, Trish, it's great...

great on "refresh",
but could you sound more

- aggrieved at the prospect of really parched, dry skin.
- Yeah.

Um, Refresh has been

scientifically proven to retain moisture

- and alleviate

- parched, dry skin.
- Bit more aggrieved than that.

Refresh has been scientifically proven

to retain moisture and

alleviate parched, dry skin.

Sorry, Trish, you're sounding
slightly more upset...

It's Tess, all right. My name's Tess!

You...

Sorry, um...

I'm sorry... I'm really sorry, I've, er...

Oh, it is... it is Tess. Tess.

Sorry, it's invite only,

you can't go in till I've
ticked your name off the list.

Jay Adams. Alistair Brice Associates.

Jay Brian Adams?

Yeah. Look, I get this all the time.

I was named after my grandfather.
He died the day I was born.

Look, if you want to call my boss,
Alistair Brice, and check, feel free.

Sorry. Can you... can
you excuse me a minute?

Don't you know that it's
illegal to stalk people?

I told you, I can't talk to you now.

I thought you might want
this. Still losing things?

See you.

Frankie!

Thanks. I... I didn't
even know I'd lost it.

How did you even get in here?

I thought it was invite only.

I said I was Jay.

Although it was a bit tricky.

Did you know his middle name is Brian?

Brian Adams?

Shit, he's kept that under wraps.

That bloke keeps staring at you.

Oh, Jesus he's a total pain.
He keeps cornering me at events.

Well, you can't really blame him,
you are looking incredibly hot.

Oh, is that why you left
me, cos I looked so hot?

Thanks for the wallet, I need to get back.

Don't go, let's...

- let's get out of here, yeah?
- I'm working.

Checking out library designs with
a bunch of council pen-pushers?

What makes you think I'd
prefer spending time with you?

We haven't seen each other
in two years, so I thought...

That you'd just waltz back in here
and everything would be ok now?

Jesus, I just wanted a conversation,

- but you're so uptight.
- I'm not uptight!

What are you doing in Glasgow anyway?

Actually, I don't want to know.

I don't care what you do any more,
Frankie, as long as you leave me alone.

You're sure she didn't
tell you she was coming?

Cat, I'm as surprised as you are.

But you know what Frankie is like.

She's hardly one for
planning in advance, is she?

- Or giving a shit about other people.
- Yeah, that too.

Shit!

Well, if she thinks we can be
pals again, she can forget it.

Well, she must realise that's unlikely.

So, the cop...

do you think I should mention
dinner once we've had a drink?

You could just play it by ear.

Maybe I should have suggested a gay bar.

But you know what it's like,
if we go somewhere sceney,

we'll bump into ten people we know.

What if she wants to make a pass at me? She
certainly not gonna do that in some straight pub.

Shit, I didn't even think of that. I've totally
fucked things up and I'm not even there yet.

Well, you could rearrange
for another night.

You're the one who said
I should go tonight!

yeah, that was before
Frankie got you wound up.

I'm not wound up.

I'm not! I'm fine. I'm absolutely fine.

I think it's good I saw her
and remembered what she's like.

We're too old to be dating fuck-ups.

Shit. I'm going to be late.

You don't think the heels and
the dress are too much, do you?

If she was after some diesel
dyke with a tattoo on her

she would have hardly gone for you!

Look, stop fussing and go!

And try and have fun. Ok?

Ok...

Hi, can I have a large glass
of dry white wine, please?

Anyway, Frankie, what the
hell are you doing here?

And more to the point, why didn't
you tell us you were coming?

It was a last-minute thing, I
just needed to get away for a bit.

Well, it's bloody great to see you.

I say we drink to Frankie's return.

Yeah! And here is to Chloe
being out of Tess's life.

- I always thought she was a total pain in the arse.
- I'll second that.

Sorry, but she was a bit of a nightmare.

Uh-uh. Never bitch about the ex,
in case there's a lesurrection!

No chance. You're right.

I spent five years being walked
all over by that selfish bitch.

As of today I am moving on.

Tess Roberts is going out
there and getting laid.

Been dusting off your
amazing chat-up lines?

I can't people up.

I just... I do what most lesbians do,

stare at women hungrily and

pray somebody else will
make the first move.

Well, look aloof and uninterested
and they probably will.

What, like play hard to get?

- Yes.
- Ok, I'll give it a whirl.

- I don't what you worry about, loads of people will want to shag you.
- Like who?

I'm sure there's somebody in this bar right
now that's dying to get their hands on you.

Mmm, I think that hottie might
be dying to get her hands on me.

- Jay!
- What? She keeps staring at me.

It's a gay bar, Jay, she's probably
wondering why you're staring at her.

And behave or I'm sending you home.

Oi! Lesbians are such killjoys.

You'll be making me burn my
bra and sing folk songs next.

Hi, I'm Becky, this
Neanderthal's better half.

You must be Frankie.

- Great to meet you finally.
- Likewise.

What you all drinking?

- Oh...
- I wouldn't mind another beer.

MOBILE RINGS It's Cat.

Cat, hi.

She's not here yet.

Do you think she's stood me up?

Why did you let me come?
I'm too wound up for this.

I know I said that, but
clearly I was talking rubbish.

Ok, remember, call me in half an hour and if
she's a moose I'll make my excuses and leave.

Hi...

You're Cat?

Yes. Hang on, Tess.

I'm sorry I'm late. So,

can I get you another?

- Yes.
- Unless you want to make your excuses and leave?

Yes. I mean, yes, to another drink.

Not that I want to leave.

Can I have a white wine, thanks?

Yes, one white wine coming up.

Shit, she's gorgeous and I've
just made a complete tit of myself.

Ok.

I'm calming down. I'm completely calm.

GENERAL BAR CHATTER

- There you go.

So what does she say?How's it going?

Oh, I don't know. She just
arrived when I was talking to her.

Cat's on a blind date with a cop.

Wouldn't have thought
a cop was Cat's thing.

Well, she is a gay cop... she's hardly
going to be some baton-wielding thug.

Oh, what, cos you're gay that
means you're right on, does it?

I'm going for a fag.

- Charming.
- Well, you were pretty tactless.

What? Oh, come on!

They broke up two years ago,
and she dumped Cat, remember?

It is not a crime to finish with someone.

They were best friends.

She persuaded Cat to leave
her girlfriend for her

and then got cold feet and run.

That's a crime in my book.

Well, if she messes Cat around
again, she'll have me to deal with.

I hate to break it to you
mate, but in a fist fight

I think Frankie'd win!

- What?
- How was Cat when she saw her?

I don't know if going on a
date was such a good idea.

God, she's probably
interviewing her as we speak.

She did go armed with a
list of questions to ask.

So, how do you like being in the police?

- So how do you like being in the police?
- Yeah, I love it.

It's really interesting
work. My dad's a policeman,

we're really close.

I had my purse stolen once
and the policeman was great.

very caring. Not what you'd expect at all.

What was it you expected?

Well, you know, some people think
the police are power-hungry homophobes

who get their kicks beating up suspects.

Obviously I don't think that, and

clearly you're not like that.

Well, I, um...

I try to only beat up
suspects twice a week tops.

And then I always use a bag of oranges

so it doesn't leave any marks.

- I'm joking.
- Right.

Actually, when I had my purse stolen
it was me that wanted to punch the guy.

Not that I'm usually violent. Well,

I wanted to kill my ex-girlfriend
today, but that was different.

Um, we broke up ages ago,
I'm not still hung up on her.

She just turned up unexpectedly.

Today.

Sorry, it's work...

DS Murray.

Right, I see, hmm...

no, that's fine, I'll be
with you as soon as I can.

Ok, bye.

I'm very sorry, but there's been a big breakthrough
on the case, and I have to go in straight away.

Ok.

Well, maybe we could
do this again some time?

Yeah.

I gotta dash, I'll catch you later.

Ok.

How come Becky had to leave?

She's got a shift at six thirty.

I'm sorry if she was a bit
tactless earlier on, you know,

- about Cat.
- She wasn't,

it isn't like I expected
her to stay single.

So is it serious with you and Becky?

Yeah, it is, yeah.

It's been two years.

We're looking for a
flat together, you know.

Who'd have thought

someone would finally tame the sex beast

that is Jay Adams.

Jay Brian Adams?

When I find out who told
you that, they're dead.

So, what about you? Have you...

got a "special friend"
in New York, or... ?

I've never been very good
at the special friend thing.

- But you're still Betty
Both-ways? - What's it to you?

I'm just making friendly conversation.

Men come in handy occasionally

when there isn't a woman around.

Does Becky know you're
a total snatch hound?

I am not... any more.

I'm... I'm not!

Look, I haven't slept
with anyone else in...

a year. Right? She caught me

once, said that if it
happened again it was over. So,

I haven't.

Christ, you'll be playing golf
and buying a barbecue next.

Fuck off!

No. Honestly, I think it's admirable.

Sleeping with the same
person again and again,

never getting to see anyone
else naked, except by accident.

- Here you go.
- Ah, thank you.

Right. Last person to down
theirs gives Ed a blow job.

Ok. Who have I got? Right, who was it?

- It was me or...
- Jay!

No way!

Who says dreams don't come true?
Yesterday I find out my ex is

cheating on me, today...

I'm dressed as a fizzy drink.

At least tights are designed for women.

After today, I might never have children.

- Why would you want them? Hi!
- Hello.

At this rate I won't get the chance.

My grandparents have a
better sex life than I do.

Don't be silly, they don't have sex.

They do. My granny told me.
Twice a week, apparently.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I can't decide if I think it's sweet

or I need to lobotomize the
bit of my brain that heard that.

- Have you checked out Lou Foster yet?
- Who?

The uber-babe over there.

Presents Afternoons With Lou And Tom.

I don't watch it.

I just thought she might be your type.

Well, she's everyone's type,
but she's clearly straight,

and even if she wasn't,

I have the repelling stench of
dumped and desperate about me.

Don't be silly, you're gorge...

I mean you're a real catch.

Thanks. You don't have to say that.

I need a wee.

Try not to eat too many sweets while I'm
gone, you don't want to add to your muffin top.

Do you want a drink? No...

Thanks to Frankie my date was a disaster.

You could've bloody
warned me she was here!

Maybe you should cut her some slack.

And why the hell should I do that?

I'm not supposed to tell you,

but her aunt died, all right?

That's why she's over.

- Oh, God...
- It's all right, it's ok.

As it happens she doesn't seem

that bothered.

But don't tell me she got
blind drunk last night?

We had a few, yeah.

What? What have I done now?

What do you think Frankie's going to do?

Cry on your shoulder?

Of course, she's bothered. Her
aunt was the only mother she had!

Well, how was I supposed to know?

What do you care, I thought you hated her.

Where is she?

SOBBING

Are you ok?

Oh! God, this is so embarrassing.
I didn't know anyone was in here.

It isn't, honestly. I cry in
inappropriate places all the time.

I burst into tears in
an audition yesterday.

- Really?
- Yeah!

At least I don't have to wait by
the phone to see if I got the job.

- Hum...
- I'm sorry,

I'm not usually like this.

My boyfriend dumped me.

The bastard decided to stay with the wife
that he was "definitely separating from".

- Men are such pigs.
- Believe me, women aren't much better.

My ex was two-timing me with
the woman she left me for, so...

Oh, I should get back.

But listen, me and my friend
Ed are by the drinks stand.

If you need cheering up

or you get bored, come and hang out.

Thanks. Um...

Tess.

- You won't tell anyone I was...
- No, I won't say a word. See you later.

I'm here to see Mrs Alan.

If you just go down this corridor,
it's the fourth door to your right.

If you could just sign in.

I like your tattoo.

What does it mean?

It's the Japanese symbol for lust.

Well, if there's anything
else I can help you with,

just let me know.

I'll bear that in mind.

Taxi!

Why would anyone dump her?

Well, I find it comforting to
know that you can be that gorgeous

- and still get shat on.
- Yeah.

Anyway, play your cards
well, you could be in there.

'Cause I always get that lucky.

Hi!

I just thought I'd take
you up on your offer.

I need some respite from screaming kids.

Great, the more the merrier.

Lou, this is my friend Ed.

- Hi.
- Hi. Nice to meet you. How are you doing?

- Come round the back with us if you want.
- Thanks.

We could even arrange for one of these
fabulously unflattering outfits for you.

It's not so bad, shows
off your great legs.

Oh, thanks. I grew them myself.

You're really funny.

Ed really likes your show.

Yeah.

I loved the interview
you did with Derren Brown.

Oh, thanks.

- So, you're an actress, then?
- Er, yeah.

Believe it or not, dressing up as a
fizzy drink isn't my real vocation.

Oh, no, I can imagine you on stage.

You have that sort of... I
don't know, presence about you.

Sadly I only ever imagine
myself on stage too.

Lou? Can I have you over here a minute?

Oh, shit, they've spotted me. I better go.

- But I'll... I'll see you later.
- Yeah.

Nice to have met you. Bye.

God, Frankie's advice obviously worked.

What are you talking
about? I didn't do anything.

- Exactly and you were in there.
- Ed!

Tess. You never notice
when people like you.

No lesbian would ever wear that cardigan.

And what people?

Just people, generally.

And her.

- You're an idiot!

I didn't expect to see you here.

Well, I was in the area
and I saw the funeral home

and I thought I wonder
if anyone I know has died.

I called her.

She's my cousin, she had a right to know.

Well, then it's a shame
you didn't turn up sooner,

spend some time with
your aunt before she died.

No-one told me she was dying.

You can hardly blame us.

We didn't know where you were.

And you made it quite clear you
didn't want to know us any more.

And you wanted to know me, did you?

Contrary to what you
seem to think, Frankie,

your aunt and I only ever
wanted the best for you.

Anyway, I haven't come here to argue.

If that's what you want
then I suggest you leave.

Aunt Carol wanted to tell
me something before she died,

do you know what it was?

You spoke to her?

No, she left a message, but
she said it was important.

Your aunt was in a lot
of pain toward the end.

- She often wasn't lucid.
- She sounded...

If she had anything to say
to you, she'd have told me.

Hi. I wonder if you can help me.

I'm looking for a blonde
woman, twenties, tattoo?

She's still here. Can you sign in, please.

Don't you know it's
illegal to stalk people?

Jay told me about your aunt.

What do you care?

Ok.

You can be nice or I can leave.

Your choice.

Come on.

I'm thinking curry and
a large vat of wine.

I'm liking your thinking.

Hey, er, Tess!

Hang on!

Sorry, I was just wondering
if you fancied a drink?

Ok! Um, well,

- Ed and I were just going to get one if you want to join?
- Oh, oh...

Actually,

I've just remembered I have to give...

Cat that thing back.

What thing?

Oh, that thing...

- ok, well, if you're sure?
- Yeah.

- You two have fun though.
- Bye.

So? Where do you want to go?

Um... ah, there's...

Ok, I know a bar...

I'm sorry, Frankie.

I know you used to be close.

I always liked her.

Well, she was the only
bearable member of the clan.

She liked you, too.

Actually, I was wondering if you
wanted to come to the funeral.

- If you don't want to, it's...
- No, it's ok,

I'd like to come.

I can't believe we're burying her and
I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

And you have no idea what
she wanted to tell you?

I asked my uncle and
he said he didn't know.

She was too terrified to breathe
in case it pissed him off.

Whatever it was, she was
too scared to tell him.

Imagine feeling like that.

Yeah, I know.

He was nicer to the
dog than he was to her.

Do you remember that
time we got the munchies

and they ate all his
posh birthday biscuits.

I said the dog had eaten them.

Wasn't that the first time we got stoned?

Ed kept hanging around and we had to
get rid of him in case he told on us.

How old were you?

Fourteen.

I thought you were so cool
cos you were older than me.

I thought you were wild and
dangerous cos you had drugs.

You were such a chicken,

you kept thinking the neighbours
would smell it and call the police.

I did not!

Yeah, you did! You kept saying,

do you think we'll do time for this?

And then you went to the kitchen and
came up holding that box of biscuits

with a stupid grin on your face.

I had to rip up the packet
and stick it in the dog basket!

Oh, God, it's good to see you.

- I really missed you.
- I missed you too.

You never even told me
you were going, Frankie.

I called you.

Three weeks later from New York.

Do you have any idea...

I should go.

Oh, no, come on. Don't go.

No, I have to get back. I've got plans.

- Maybe another time?
- Yeah, maybe.

Oh, wait a minute, I know
where I've seen you before.

Casualty. A few weeks ago.

The single mother... you fell in
love with your son's sick PE teacher.

- That really wasn't my finest hour.
- Oh, no I thought you were great.

Especially that day when the doctor wanted to turn
off the life support and you were pleading not to.

I thought you were really moving.

I bet you get your big break soon.

I don't know about that.

I'm really sorry, I have to confess I...

- I haven't seen Afternoons With Lou And Tom.
- That's fine.

It's not really what I want to do.

I'd like to get into
something a bit more serious.

Do you want... do you want another drink?

Yeah or, um... we...

we could always go back to mine...

cos I live near here, so...

if you wanted to do that?

Yeah, ok...

- If you're sure?
- Absolutely.

I've thought of something
you can help me with.

You don't have a cigarette, do you?

- Sorry, I gave up.
- Yeah. Me too.

Oh!

- You ok, hen?
- I can't find my purse.

I can't talk to you right
now, I've got someone here.

That's none of your business.

Look, like I said, I've got to go.

I have to entertain my guest.

Whatever.

Are you sticking with white?

Yeah. Great. Thanks. Ah! Is
this one of these talking robots?

Yeah, a friend of mine gave it to me.

ROBOT: 'Commence invasion!
Engage target. Annihilate!'

I love these things!

'Annihilate!'

Does it say anything else?

'Commence invasion. Engage target... '

Oh!

I've wanted to kiss a woman forever.

And you're gorgeous.

Oh, sorry.

- It's ok, don't worry about it.
- ROBOT: Annihilate!

ROBOT BEEPS

TOY SMASHES

That should do it!

Hello?

Shit.

Hello?

Hello?

FRENETIC BREATHING

Oh, yeah! Go on...

Ah! Oh, yeah!

Ah!

I bet he thinks he's
died and gone to heaven.

Ah, yeah!

MOANING CONTINUES

Are you ok?

Yeah, I just gotta go.

Well, can I have your number?

Take it from me, you really don't want it.

You haven't been written
out of history like I have.

Outside now!

Tess, look, you wouldn't be
able to tell anyone about us.

Jesus! What the fuck are you doing?!

I was a nightmare date,

and it isn't a crime not to fancy someone.

I never said I don't fancy you.

You're not seriously
interested in a cop, are you?

So you know I'm going on a date?

But you thought you'd just turn up anyway?

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