Life in Pieces (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 14 - Will Trash Book Spa - full transcript

Hi.

- Hi.
? Hey, Jen.

Oh, thank you so much for doing this.

It's so great to have
a lawyer in the family.

Well, of course. Well,
when Heather volunteered me,

what could I say out loud?

Well, it is embarrassing.

I just assumed we had a
will, but apparently not.

Um, John thinks that they cause death.

Well, I do know a lot of people who died,

and every one of them had a will.



Do the math.

Right. Yeah, no, that adds up.

Well, you... you have a will now, too,

And, um, I put everything in
there that you asked for...

Not everything.

Uh, I wanted to add a couple of zingers.

"Zingers"?

Well, with both of us dead,
it's gonna be kind of a sad day,

And I want people to enjoy themselves.

Yeah, it... it's why he wants our
ashes shot out of a T-shirt gun.

Yeah, how about we start with this?

"We leave everything to our fish,"

And then you say, "Psych!"

Yeah. No, little problem is that, uh,



you can't really put "Psych"
in a... In a legal document.

- Oh. Oh, okay.
? Oh. Yeah, I understand.

How about just, "We leave
everything to our fish."

"Not!"

Yeah, you guys could go all night.

Once I leave.

Now is this distributed equally,
or is it based on dire need?

Oh, don't worry, I'm sure the new owners

Will let you stay in the garage.

I don't care about the money.

I just, I want all of the photo albums.

Oh, that's sweet.

No, I... I need to destroy the evidence

of the year that I only wore men's suits.

Oh, that's right, that's
the year I wore do-rags.

- I looked good.
- Oh.

And, Greg, you wore overalls
and sideways painter's caps.

Yeah, people called me Dutchy Boy.

Okay, but seriously, Jen, what's in it?

Uh, no I can't... t... tell you that.

I mean, it's attorney client privilege.

Yeah, but that doesn't
apply to families, does it?

Uh, I'll tell you a secret.
You want to know a secret?

I'll tell you one right now.

Tim pees sitting down.

if I'm in there,

I'm doing the word jumble. Period.

Okay, here are the executed
copies for your files.

Uh, is it too late to add in
"of sound mind and dope body"?

Yes.

Ooh, I didn't realize it costs so much.

What? Oh, no, I'm sorry.

That invoice was not
supposed to be in there.

Is that what you make per hour?

What do the men get?

Um...

No, I'm not... I'm not charging you.

Yeah, you're... you're family.

Oh, don't tell Matt that.

I just raised his rent.

I don't understand what the big deal is.

That Heather volunteered you for this,

And now we're stuck paying for it.

Yeah, but it's not even that much money.

It's just, like, filing
costs and paralegal fees.

No, but it's not about the money.

I've always wanted to call the shots.

My whole life, Heather and Matt
have been telling me what to do,

And now they're telling my wife what to do.

I can't have that. No, they got to pay.

I thought you just said
it wasn't about the money.

No, it's not, but, in this case, it is.

But that's just a coincidence.

Okay, listen, here's the deal.

I'll go along with this,

As long as next time my
mom calls me, you answer.

So you'll be my ally.

Uh, sure.

What's up?

You're just waiting for somebody
to say something, aren't you?

About what?

So, uh, I'd like to
thank you all for coming.

Uh, I know that we told Mom and Dad

That we'd pay for their will,

but turns out there are
some administrative fees.

So, uh, evenly divided,

this is what Jen and I
feel that you guys owe.

Yes, and we both feel
that with equal conviction.

That's right.

Oh, uh, no.

Uh, I'm not paying for that.

You offered, you pay.

Well, actually, Heather offered up Jen.

So?

We do things all the time for the family

That actually cost money.

We don't charge you guys for any of it.

This is different.

You're different.

Yeah, I... I helped dad paint the house,

and I didn't charge him for that.

Yes, you did, you charged him $600.

Well, I didn't know that you knew that.

That kind of weakens my argument.

Another amazing meal, Heather.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

For you, sir.

And I can give your wife the receipt.

What's this?

Oh, well, since you decided to charge

for the things that we share,
we thought it was only fair

to split the cost of this
meal, you know, equally.

See, this is why I said we should pay.

You know, I didn't charge for my time,

but there were, unfortunately,
some unavoidable fees.

Oh, okay.

Sorry, Hon, I know times are tough.

So dessert is on the house.

What's going on?

Oh, someone's trying to prove a point

Because I tried to save you from incurring

an expense on your will.

Something that Jen was
completely on board for.

Yes, and I am thrilled.

Look at how it's bringing
us so much closer together.

- Well, if Jen wants the money this much.
- Oh, please.

I don't... this is not for me.

I thought you were my ally.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, this is not even fair.

I brought the wine.

And that wine was from our rack.

- I didn't know that you knew that.
- We all know that.

I knew about the paint job,

- I know about the wine.
- Stop.

Stop. You know, I... I would
hope that after we're gone,

you kids would come closer together

and not behave like this.

No, G... Greg started
it. It was totally Greg.

What? No, I didn't do anything.

What are you t... ?

Okay, you know what? Listen.

This is my fault.

Yeah, I... I made Greg ask for the money

because I am secretly greedy

and, uh, now I regret that,

because you loving sisters
and brothers are fighting,

so I... I hope that you can all forgive me

for creating this problem

in your always peaceful family.

I forgive you.

Thank you, y... you are a big man.

Jen, come on, it's not your fault.

No... Look, we got carried away.

Well, your father and I are glad
that the fighting has stopped,

but it really doesn't matter anyway,

because we've decided to
leave all the money to charity.

Oh. ?Oh. ?Okay, that is...

Psych!

Is that better than "Not"?

That was perfect.

Yes!

Okay, kiddos, today we decide
where we go for family vacation.

We should use our vacation
to take care of the earth.

Ooh. ?You know, like,
pick up trash in the forest

or in local streets.

Honey, I am so proud of you

for being such a good citizen,

but that is no vacation.

That is how they punish prisoners.

You guys say you care about the earth,

but you're not willing to
give up your vacation for it.

- That is accurate.
- I never said I cared about the earth.

How about we put it to
the test... with a bet?

Ugh, you know betting is my weakness.

All right, what kind of
odds are we talking here?

For one day, everyone
carries around a trash bag,

and all their trash goes into it.

At the end of the day,

whoever has the least amount of trash wins.

And that person gets to
pick where we go on vacation.

Yeah, I like it.

All right, this starts now.

I am going to win this so easily,

because you guys have no idea

how much trash you create,

because I am the one
who always picks it up.

So at the end of the day,
my bag is going to be empty.

Can you hold that, please?

Gotcha.

Dang it, uh...

Sophia?

Shaking my head.

Hey, Dad, your Gene Simmons
bobbleheads are here.

Ooh! Awesome. Can't wait...

Oh, wait a minute. That thing's

gonna be filled with styrofoam peanuts.

I just know it.

Sorry. Can't accept it.

You're not Mr. Hughes?

No, I'm Dr. Hughes.

- This is Mr. Hughes.
- No, no, no.

I'm not 18, you can't make me.

Excuse me.

I'll sign that.

Thank you.

- She's not Mr. Hughes.
- Thank you.

All right, well, here you go, Mr. Winner.

Now, I'm pretty sure

there's some extra packing in there

for Gene's spinal column.

So, yeah, you enjoy that.

Son.

W... what are we doing here?

Separately, we are weak, but together...

we could be less weak,
you know what I'm saying?

Sorry, Dad. I already
formed an alliance with Mom.

She offered to do my
laundry for life, so...

Yeah, that's pretty good.

Uh,

You don't mind if I check
your guitar case, do you?

Seriously?

Mom, you gonna let her do that?

Oh, sure, go crying to your mommy.

See if she can't

fluff and fold your problems away.

Ow!

See?

Some things are more important to me

than choosing a vacation.

Like honesty and trust.

Busted! You have trash in your pants.

I... I... Yeah, well, I bet
you have trash in your bra.

He should have to eat it!

With his mouth.

My car blew a tire.

Well, alliance is over. Good luck.

What?

Uh-oh.

Dad!

The only good thing
that can come out of this

is I can see my fish again.

Hey.

What's going on?

It won't flush.

I think we need a bigger toilet.

Yeah.

I've been saying that for years.

Let's take a little look-see here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Why is there a Cheesy
Chip bag in this toilet?

You know those things
go right through me, Dad.

I cannot believe you've been cheating.

You know, one day that's
not gonna be so cute anymore.

Or... or we could form an alliance.

If you take my trash, I can win.

Then we can go wherever you want.

How do I know I can trust you?

I don't know. You really don't.

All right, I'm in.

40 pounds for Mom.

22 pounds for Daddy.

Two pounds for Tyler,

And .7 pounds for me.

Forgot mine.

.3 pounds.

Sophia's the winner.

Yes! All right!

I am so glad your hamster didn't die today.

So, where are we going on vacation?

Vegas, baby! Yeah.

What?

Secret alliance.

When you give birth to them,
they are very loyal to you.

You double-crossed me?

It's okay, Daddy.

I double-crossed Mommy, too.

What?

45 minutes in line to ride

a plastic pig that smells like pee?

I take it back. Picking up trash
would've been better than this.

No, it's fine, it's fine.

45 minutes is not that long to wait.

Come on.

If it's your life story,

and... and you looked like a beaver...

I did.

Then why is the book about a chicken?

Because if you Google "The
Beaver Who Could Chew",

- inappropriate images come up.
- Yeah. Right.

So, I have good news.

- Ooh.
- Remember my friend

from high school, Grace?

Yeah, the, uh, the immigration lawyer

who started that
upside-down cupcake business?

No. Who is that?

I don't know anyone like that.

- Grace is a publisher.
- Oh.

So she was talking to me about her,
uh, new position in children's books,

and I pitched her That
idea that I've had forever.

She wants me to write the book.

- What? Are you serious?
- Yeah!

That's amazing!

And, no, best of all,

When I told her I had a
boyfriend who was an artist,

who could do killer illustrations,

she said, "Great".

Great.

Here you go.

You don't want to do it?

Um, I mean, I don't know.

I'm... I'm pretty immersed
in my sketch series

about human
trafficking and genocide

and so I... I just, you
know, I think that doing

a bunch of kiddie drawings
would just frankly,

well, it would depress me.

She said if all goes well,
it could pay, like ten grand.

And... I went
ahead and started to work

on some of the ancillary
characters in our book.

There's, um, there's a cute
but lactose intolerant cow,

a very pretty but nosy mini-horse.

Don't worry, the, um,

the sexual chemistry there is just subtext.

Cool, cool, cool, but my book is called

"The Chicken Who Could Chew."

Right.

A chicken with big teeth

rubbing it in the face of
all the toothless chickens.

She can eat bagels.

We have to show that.

Right, but our book needs to be more

than just about a chicken eating.

It needs to show the
reality of being livestock

in today's rough-and-tumble world.

Yeah, I'm not really a fan of
rough-and-tumble for my book.

I'm thinking more feathery and cute.

I'm noticing this weird thing

that you keep doing, where, you know,

I... I keep saying "our book"
and you keep saying "my book."

Oh, right, I'm... I'm sorry.

- Mm-hmm.
? That is weird.

I mean, they are my
illustrations, so, um...

Right. They are your illustrations,

but it's my life story.

I got my adult teeth
when I was six years old.

I looked like a beaver.

Everyone made fun of me, but
my mom told me to be proud

and show everyone what me
and my big teeth could do.

If it's your life story,
and... and you looked

- like a beaver...
- I did.

Then why is the book about a chicken?

Because if you Google "The
Beaver Who Could Chew",

inappropriate images come up.

- Right.
- Yeah.

These... these drawings are depressing.

- Well...
- And these animals are,

like, third-world skinny.

That pig, I really think, should be fat.

No, but the cat's fat. The
cat with the bag of money

And the... the... the sash
that says "Foreign Oil".

What if you drew something like this?

And you're taking my pencil, and, oh, good,

an eraser... that's not gonna do any dam...

Calm down. I'm not redoing
it... I'm just fixing it.

Um, just out of curiosity,
how are the kids gonna know

that that goat is dead if
the flies-flies aren't there?

You've got to be able
to take criticism, Matt.

And you've got to find
yourself an illustrator

who is willing to sell out
the integrity of his art.

You can take away my flies,

but you can't take away my freedom.

Mom? Can you open the door, please?

It's like she was my boss again,

you know, telling me what to do.

Oh...

Oh, I think this might be my fault.

I'm afraid I forced you
to choose a strong woman.

Well, the same thing

happened to Greg with Jen, you know?

Who's bold and wonderful and opinionated

in nearly all our interactions,.

But it's fun.

It... Oh, it's fun.

Colleen's strong, that's for sure.

I don't think you'd be happy
with somebody who wasn't.

And... keeping your relationship

is a lot more important

than keeping your dinosaur drawings.

- Chickens.
- Oh.

Oh, well, then Colleen's definitely right.

You need to do a better job.

What is this?

This is... I'm sorry.

Oh...

I don't want to argue over something

that's actually a good thing, so...

I made what you wanted.

Was very sweet,

but I felt bad about changing your work,

so I went ahead and sent
in the original drawings.

And they loved them.

- Really?
- Yeah.

They're gonna make your book?

They're making our book.

They loved the realism

and they thought it was a fresh new take

on the struggles of toothless livestock.

- That's amazing.
- Yeah.

So what are we gonna do

with all these cute little chubby animals?

We're gonna use them for the sequel:

"The Chicken Who Chewed Too Much."

Shining a light on the
obesity epidemic in America.

Okay, I like it.

And that little sheep on the tractor

- already has a seat belt extender.
- Yeah.

Ooh, let's draw on a little top hat!

I don't know, maybe...

- maybe, maybe we don't.
- I just think it'd be cute.

- do it quite yet.
- Okay.

Now, what pressure do you prefer?

Lot of pressure, lot of lotion.

You know, dress me like a
salad, beat me like an egg,

- Hi.
- Hi.

Sorry we're late.

Where's Greg?

Huh?

Oh, damn it, I forgot Greg.

You know, I thought he
was quiet on the ride over.

I just assumed he was eating taffy.

Even though I've never seen him eat taffy.

In fact, we have have
no taffy in the house.

I'm very tired.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

I went to go talk to the roofer

and you just cold forgot me.

Yeah.

Cold-blooded. Yeah.

And that's Mommy's bad. But you know what?

This is what happens

- when you sleep in 15-minute intervals.
- Yeah.

You know what really helps me to sleep

i... is being 70.

Gonna look into that.

I just hate to see you
both so stressed out.

Here, I just...

why don't you two use this?

It's a gift certificate

for a couple's massage at a day spa,

and we don't want it.

But we gave this to you
for your anniversary.

Oh!

Well, we were just waiting

to use it un... until

we were really stressed out,

but we cope by baking bread or,

you know, doing yoga

or taking spontaneous naps and...

Sometimes I draw on his face,

but then I feel guilty and wash it off.

He sleeps through the whole thing.

Now, what pressure do you prefer?

Lot of pressure, lot of lotion.

You know? Dress me like a salad,

beat me like an egg.

Oh, and when I start crying,

don't acknowledge it, all right?

I'll stop eventually.

- Thanks.
- Okay.

I love you, Honey.

I love you, too.

Oh, my god!

That did not sound good.

No, that sounded really, really bad.

Shh. I'm sure it was just
a little fender bender.

Should we do something?

Yeah, I mean, I sort of feel
like I should go out there

- And make sure everybody's okay.
- Shh.

Somebody help!

People just need to get
used to the new stop sign.

See if anyone's hurt!

I'm going to step out for a sec

While Dionne continues rubbing
all of your worries away.

Go! Hurry!

- Help!
- Oh, my god!

Somebody help! Please!

Call 911!

Put down the beef bowl and call 911!

All you have to do is breathe.

He's not breathing!

Sounds like everyone

needs to remember to breathe today.

Wow.

You really are tight here.

Oh, so are you.

Why so stressed?

Oh, you know, first kid,

got to get a new roof...

someone's dying outside.

You don't know that.

Keep moving... that one's gone!

Again, we don't know.

He could be talking about a parking spot.

Make way! Medic's coming through!

- You need more help?
- Yeah!

You know, I'm sorry,

I really feel like I
should go out and see...

Oh... Wow.

Sir, do not go near that power line!

We got a live one!

Not anymore.

Oh, my...

I'm going to turn up some of
those soothing nature sounds,

Just a bit.

Hey, you know what?

Is there, like, a heavy
metal pan flute option?

Yeah, that's better.

No, that... That's the
"Jaws of Life", Honey.

That must be the medevac helicopter.

They only send that in
when there's a chance.

I guess they forgot something.

Hi.

How was the massage?

Oh, life-changing.

- For a lot of people.
- We just...

we realized how lucky we
are to have our health.

And each other.

- And Lark.
- And you.

Oh... You're so centered.

Now I wish I'd used the gift certificate.

No, you don't. No.

How was Lark?

Oh, wonderful.

We did a big art project.

Didn't we?