Life in Pieces (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Party Lobster Gym Sale - full transcript

_

Ooh, Cannonball Run!

COLLEEN: Uh, Run-D.M.C.!

Born to Run! Ooh.

Uh... Clueless!

(panting)

The Running Man! All right?

- Oh...
- Come on, I'm running,

I'm a man...

Well, we all got the "running" part.

Oh, I am out of shape.



I gotta start working out,

'cause I'm living for
someone else now, you know?

Not you, for Lark.

- Oh. Thank you.
- I mean,

I want to be able to do
that Dirty Dancing lift

at her wedding, you know?

Do that...

One of those.

It'd be beautiful, right?

I feel like that would be maybe weird.

You know, I think you should join my gym.

- Yeah?
- They helped me lose 60 pounds.

Yeah. Wait, what?

Huh.



Mm-hmm.

MAN: Hey!

You must be Greg!

Good morning, Greg!

Clinton Chesnut, C.P.T.

Oh. Greg Short, d-a-d.

- New dad.
- Yeah, yeah.

I see that. (laughs)

(makes swishing noise)

Hey, every great journey

starts with a single step.

Are you ready to take that step, Greg?

Yeah, I think so. Is it far?

(chuckles) We've already begun.

Come on, I'll show you around.

- Okay.
- Let's do this.

Come on.

With our state-of-the-art technology,

you can row any boat

through any time period.

Stanley, here, is on the Amistad.

Dawn is on one of the lifeboats
from the Titanic.

- Oh, wow.
- Uh...

Women and children only.Right.

Know what I mean? Come on.

Now, I have been in a
lot of locker rooms, Greg,

but these towels are the best.

Thread count so high they stopped counting.

(fiddle music playing)
You like to dance, Greg?

Yeah, I did a little
soft-shoe tap in my day.

You know? My mom let me chase my dream.

Soft shoe tap is cool,

but square dancing is
more of a high-octane,

- whole-body experience.
- Yeah.

Now, two by two, let's promenade!

Promenade, promenade.

Now squat! Squat!

Squat! Squat!

Squat! Squat...

I'm so pumped.

Are you sure you don't want

to take up the extension?

You could save up to five percent.

No, look, I appreciate it,

but there is no doubt in my mind.

It is the ten-year Platinum Package.

You know, 'cause we might move.

The ten-year plan is a great plan.

And you get two free car washes with that.

Per month?

No.

(sniffs)

Oh, you're up early.

You got a new paper
route I didn't know about?

Oh, well, I was late

for my belly busters class because I was

spending all this time trying to get

my phone in this cool new holster.

But now I can't get

the phone to work. It's...

Honey, this has 900 calories,

56 grams of sugar

and 87 carbs.

This is quite a meal you're replacing.

Oh, no, that's a supplement.

I just ate six eggs.

Yeah, Clinton says I gotta
have calories to burn,

otherwise I'm just gonna
burn away all my muscle.

Who's Clinton?

Who is Clinton?

(scoffs) Uh, that dude right there.

He only charged me 80 bucks.

Ooh, Bargain City.

Um...

I love your enthusiasm.

Don't ever change.

I just want to make sure

that you haven't lost sight

of why you're doing this.

I am doing this for Lark,

so that I can be there for her.

(Lark crying)

Look, can you go get her?

Because I am running late

to my Double CrossFit class.

Okay? Thanks.

It's where we trick each
other into working out.

(Greg clears throat)

Okay. (clears throat)

(groans)

Daddy gonna get big!

Okay, okay, okay...

(clears throat)

(exhales)

Greg?

What is this bike...

What on earth are you doing?

Is that my razor?

Gearing up for my first ride.

You know it's twice the cardio

than on those stupid stationary machines?

Yeah, and you get to be out in nature.

I love nature!

You went to the doctor

because you thought you
were allergic to wind.

Yeah, but he gave me a cream.

Um, what happened to the gym?

(scoffs) Oh, no,

I'm done with the gym. Ten years is all

those suckers are going to get out of me.

Ten years?

Did you see the baby
seat that I got for Lark?

I can get my workout in

and spend time with her.

I mean, that's what this
whole thing is about, you know?

Me spending time with Lark.

(Lark crying)

Oh, uh, do you mind getting her?

I-I can't walk on these bike shoes.

_

Okay. Hey. Huge deal

that we are not getting

a babysitter for an overnight,

so do not make me regret this.

All right. Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop

are right across the street
if you need anything...

although don't need
anything after 8:00 p.m.,

because they will be sleeping.

All right.

I trust you.

I trust you. Most of the time.

Trust you.

- I really trust you. Really.
- Yep.

Okay, bring it in, guy.

Be good. You know.

Uh, number for the hotel is on the fridge.

If we don't answer right
away, it's 'cause we're...

getting ice

and we'll call you back
in around 15 minutes.

Ooh, 15 minutes.

Gotta make sure we both get some ice.

Okay, uh, hi. What's this for?

Ice always goes better with vodka.

- Okay, gotta go, kids, bye!
- All right, bye, love you!

Bye, Mom.

Have fun! Bye.

I got five people coming over.

I've got my whole class.

I want to be remembered as
the guy who threw huge ragers,

not just the kid who wore
a top hat in the yearbook.

Just poop your pants.

That stays with people.

Mason S. has been
coasting on it since Pre-K.

TYLER: There's, like, eight people here.

First party with my parents out of town

and hardly anybody shows up.

I can't make a legend out of that.

It's not that bad.

Doing a jigsaw puzzle

in the kitchen,

if anyone's interested.

BOY: Oh, two bunnies in a basket.

Really?

Okay, it's bad.

Hey.

What if we play everyone our new track?

That's genius.

Okay, perfect, and I'm gonna tweet

all our Funeral Goose fans.

Are you sure this place can handle

six more people?

For you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Cheers.

Yep.

- Mmm.
- Mmm!

Wow, that's really smooth.

- It's like water.
- Oh, yeah.

Is this just water or am I an alcoholic?

I think somebody swapped
out our vodka for water.

♪ I know we're supposed to be ♪

♪ Birds of a feather ♪

♪ Fly V formation, so happy together ♪

♪ But you watched her
sadly, you flew away ♪

♪ Don't care if you come back, anyway ♪

♪ I'm trapped in your love cage ♪

♪ I'm cooked in your love cage ♪

♪ Mmm. ♪

(applause, whooping)

Now this is a party.

Tyler!

I've got some bad news.

One...

(snickering): your band is the worst.

And two, Mom and Dad are on their way home.

What?! Our band is not the worst.

How do you know they're coming home?

I used Find-Your-Phone.

They're an hour away.

Uh, guys? Um...

thanks for coming, everyone.

But Funeral Goose has to

fly south for the night, so...

(indistinct chatter and laughter)

You guys, the party's over.

Yeah, spread your wings and fly out.

(indistinct chatter continuing)

Get out!

Oh! Now I get it!

They're deaf!

Play "Death, Death, Goose!"

I drove three hours to hear
"Death, Death, Goose!"

Play it!

Yeah!

No, no, no, no, no!

(partiers whooping)

(crickets chirping)

Now, what's the symbolism of that?

This... expresses my need

to cover up a mistake that I made earlier.

- Oh!
- Actually, I made a lot of mistakes.

This started out as a portrait of you.

Aw.

Uncle Matt!

- Hey!
- Hey, Uncle Matt, um...

I need your help with something.

Okay.

I need to clear out a party really fast.

- Did you have your band play?
- Yes.

- (laughing): And they stayed?
- Of course.

Of course they stayed. It's a good band.

You know, I've cleared out
a party or two in my day.

My dad's weddings were
always getting out of control.

Whoa! (chuckles) How many
times did your dad get married?

How many times, or how
many different women?

Mm!

Guys, can we go?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

(siren whooping outside)

Everybody, cops are here.

Get out, now!

SAMANTHA: Come on, everybody out the back!

- Go on!
- Move, move, move!

- Come on, baby. Get out.
- Go, go!

Out the back! Come on!

Come on!

- Go, go, go, go, go, go! Come on!
- Hey.

That was so easy!

We didn't even have to tase anyone.

I just had a party busted by the cops.

That's instant street cred.

You're huge deal now... bigger
than that marching band kid

- in the wheelchair.
- I don't know.

You owe me big.

I just lent you 20 bucks last week.

And we're even.

(TV plays low and indistinct)

- HEATHER: Oh! Hello!
- Hey! What are you doing here?

Oh, we just thought maybe you guys

- should try a little alcohol.
- Yeah.

Drink it.

No, thank you.

- Come on!
- Drink it.

No.

Sophia, you drink it.

- Dad, what are you doing?
- HEATHER: Come on, drink your drink.

There you go. Oh...

Awesome.

That's my girl.

Tastes like water.

That's because it is water.

Now, which one of you replaced it?

I don't even like vodka.

I mean, vodka... which one is that?

Clementine, was this you?

What?!

Well, you don't have
to answer that, Clemmie.

She would never do something like that.

Then who did it?

(TV playing)

You wanted vodka tonic.

But I thought we were out of vodka.

We were.

Now Tim and Heather are.

(chuckling)

(both laughing)

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

I couldn't, by chance,
interest you in a purse

with my hand-sewn face
from ninth grade on it?

Yes, you could.

- I'm a hoarder.
- Oh!

_

Here's our donation.

Hope people like half-built LEGO sets

and Blackberry chargers.

Where's your box?

I got nothin' to sell but
the shirt on my back, man.

Nice shirt.

20 bucks.

Sold.

(chuckling)

Yeah, I used to have one just like this.

Heather gave it away.

(laughs)

Oh, wow.

HEATHER: They can't
all be important to you.

This entire group is
in stuffed animal jail.

Yeah. 'Cause one is a liar.

And until he confesses...

unicorn...

they're all staying in there.

Okay, well, whatever
you can fit in this bin

you get to keep.

Everything else goes into the yard sale.

Why don't I just throw
out all your children?

(door opening)

GREG: Look, she likes to
get gifts for everybody.

That's kind of her thing.

I know, and it's very sweet of your mom,

it's just... I don't really
like antique opium pipes,

even if I do look like "one of those

fun women who would've
done that back then"

- Oh, you got one of those, too?
- Yeah.

Her discovering eBay was
the beginning of the end.

- I know.
- I have the exact same

pile of stuff, collecting dust.

I mean, what is the statue of limitations

on humoring somebody?

No, you're right.

The longer we wait,

the more guilty we're gonna feel.

JEN: Yeah. And...

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say:

if you haven't used this
Victorian nursing kit yet,

- Mm-hmm.
- you might not ever.

But you can't sell this stuff
at her garage sale, right?

It's gonna hurt her feelings.

No. Greg is right.

- Yeah.
- Greg is right.

We have to sell it secretly, over here.

(quietly): Oh! I like that.

Good idea, Greg.

That's not what I said.

Almost verbatim.

Oh, nothing like a well-made shoe.

50 cents.

Deal!

And the right one's ten bucks.

Oh, I don't need it.

My husband's an amputee.

Oh, no, no... I meant
the right one's 50 cents

and the left one's ten bucks.

I see you eyeing the baking tins there.

I couldn't, by chance,
interest you in a purse

with my hand-sewn face
from ninth grade on it?

Yes, you could.

- I'm a hoarder.
- Oh!

Oh, well, come here.

I shouldn't be here.

Oh, don't listen to that voice.

Why don't you come with
me across the street?

Oh, you're taking those.

Thank you! Come back soon.

Hey, are you feeling a
little guilty about this?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

This stuff is gonna be
with people who want it.

(phone ringing)

(groans quietly) Uh, hi, Mom. Hi!

JOAN: Honey, where are you?

- I need a price on...
- Uh...

on Tyler's football pads!

Oh, you know what?

I-I-I am helping this woman

load Dad's encyclopedias into her car.

I-I'll be right there.

(groaning): Oh, yeah.

Well, you are like a professional

yard sale shopper, huh?

Look at that thing.

That is so cool!

You like that bad boy, huh?

Yeah.

I paid a hundred bucks for that.

I'm gonna try to fix it
up and get 250 out of it.

- 250 bucks?!
- Yeah.

Sold!

What?

Yeah!

- Yeah?
- (sputters)

You know what? Come with
me across the street.

We've got some good
stuff I want to show you.

Where are you going?

Hmm? Oh, um...

uh, this is, uh, my friend Shannon

from high school.

What?! I just met you.

I'm not Shannon.

(laughing): Shannon...

You've always been such a lying bitch.

- Who you calling a bitch?
- Okay.

You know what? Let's go look at

that high school yearbook,

Miss Most Likely to Play Along
in a Hypothetical Situation.

(Jen laughing)

WOMAN: You better have
something good over here.

JEN: Oh, I've got gold over there.

Heather, you got any change? We're, uh...

Oh, what are you doing?

I'm selling all the stuff that
Mom gave me that I don't like.

- Please don't tell her.
- Tell her?

I'm gonna go grab a box
of crap that she gave me.

(tuning)

Honey, Jen just took someone

from the yard sale over to Heather's house.

I was wondering if you
knew what was going on.

I do not.

- Mm, no.
- Why are you lying to me?

I'm gonna, uh, go price out

some of these, uh, things.

That's also a lie.

Why?

Why are you lying to me?

Wh-Where are you going?

Greg!

She's onto us!

Oh, no. Oh, no.

She's onto us. She's onto us.

- Wh-What?
- Shut it down.

WOMAN: What's going on?

HEATHER: Some of this
stuff is glow-in-the-dark,

so we're doing this for effect.

Yeah, works great in a dorm room.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh.

Um, we were just, uh...

- Cataloging.
- organizing.

Oh, look, I gave you this for
your first wedding anniversary.

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

And I got you this when you passed the bar.

Bar, and I love it.

This is stuff that I... gave you.

So what's happening?

Okay, we-we're... we're... selling it,

and we didn't want to
hurt your f-feelings.

JEN: And it-it really is all so beautiful.

Uh, you have wonderful taste

- in, um, East Asian special...
- No more, no more.

I understand, I understand.

I understand. In the future,

if I give you something and
you don't like it, just tell me.

- Oh.
- Really?

Of course. Just tell me,

and then I'll just take it back.

That's all.

See you later.

What just happened?

She took it back.

Whew, this is heavy.

Okay, well, at-at least we get rid

of a bunch of junk.

Right, yep.

TIM: Hey, Heather, look what I bought.

Starting a man cave.

- He got out, he got away.
- Why are you looking up?

Oh, underestimating the
lobster was our first mistake.

_

Look at this, you guys, my
brother sent me a lobster.

- (laughs)
- JOAN: Oh, my.

This little guy came
all the way from Maine,

which is where I went to college.

- These things are, like
- Oh, my.

the state bird up there.

Even after that long flight,

he's still got a lot of fight in him.

I-I respect that in a lobster.

SOPHIA: I think he's cute.

I'm gonna name him Billy,

after that kid at school who
was rescued from a toolshed.

Maybe it's not such a
great idea to name him.

You know why?

Because they're going to boil him alive.

Samantha's right.

- Maybe we shouldn't boil him alive.
- Thank you.

We should just bash his
head in with a hammer first.

Someone hand me that meat mallet.

- What?!
- Ooh, he heard me.

This is barbaric.

I'm out of here.

Oh, I-I understand people who
have problems killing animals.

Because there's so many
other things for us to eat.

So you have a problem with it, Mom-Mom?

Oh, no, lobsters are delicious.

Billy? Billy?!

- He got out. He got away.
- Why are you looking up?

Oh, underestimating the
lobster was our first mistake.

No, honey, I-I... I don't think it was.

I think that someone probably took him.

(chuckling): Someone took him?

That's awesome.

I have a girlfriend for
the first time in my life.

If I'm gonna steal something from you,

it's not gonna be a lobster.

I don't know.

But if you find Billy,

tell him Imogene was hoping
to have a drink with him,

see where the night took them.

So we are officially out of suspects.

Are we?

I've been with you the entire time.

You're right, I'm sorry.

I'm just... I'm really hungry...

for the truth.

Mom, you didn't by chance

happen to take Billy, did you?

No, of course I didn't take Billy.

Never, but I know who did.

Well, somebody knows something.

Well, I just told you I know.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'll get it out of you.

Hey, Dad. Where are you going?

- Who, me?
- Yeah.

Uh, I was just going for a... Sunday drive.

Oh, okay, because it's Saturday.

Yeah, where's the lobster?

Uh, he has a name.

I mean, I mean, how would I know?

John.

Tell them.

Okay, I-I-I took him.

I looked it up,

and lobsters this size
are, like, 40 years old.

Now, I don't know how many
that is in human years,

but it's at least 40.

Now, he's traveled all over
the world, kind of like me,

and he deserves a better
ending than Tim's toilet.

Can't argue with that.

Where-where is he, Dad?

(gasps) Oh. Oh.

JOHN: I'm gonna release
him back into the sea.

He's starting to look
like E.T. in that ravine,

and if we don't get him back in the water,

I'm gonna lose my strength, too.

JOHN: Well, carry on, soldier.

You're gonna have a lot
of great stories to tell

when you get back to Maine.

- Bye, Billy.
- Bye, Billy.

Safe home, Billy.

Bye, Bill.

Honey, you remembered

to take the rubber bands
off the claws, right?

Uh, uh...

The rubber bands off his claws?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Uh...

I'm gonna just take a quick swim.

Wh...?

I'll be right back.