Letterkenny (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Rave - full transcript

Subtitle by peritta

A bit of fuss down at
the church the other day.

- Glen.
- Wayne.

- How are you now?
- Good, and you?

Oh, not so bad.

Ooh, look what you brought with you.

- Hello, Daryl.
- Oh, fuck.

Fuck, you're naked as a jay bird.

Wayne, it's humid. It's the humidity.

Y'all might want to think
about doing the same thing,

just pop your pants right off,

that way no one gets sticky.

- Nope.
- It's not so bad. What's the fuss?

Ma O'Dell mentioned something
about you helping her get a squirrel

out of her attic.

I'm faced with a similar conundrum.

Right over there.

It seems some kinda rodent's
made his home over there.

I have not seen him,
but I sure can smell him.

Hum.

- It's a possum.
- Hmm.

- Possum.
- That's right.

Oh, pitter-patter, let's get at 'er.

Do you wanna know what? I'd reach
into a pirate hooker's chamber pot

before I'd reach in there.
And I'm going to tell ya.

Possums are immune to snake venom.

They could probably
survive a nuclear blast.

I think it's pronounced new-cue-lar.

Mmm, but it isn't.

They're mutants. They have
forked fuckin' penises.

We should all be so lucky.

They do this thing
called 'Playing Possum'

where they appear dead and emit a
death stink from their butt holes, fuck.

I found one playing possum one time,

thought it was dead and buried it.

It dug itself out a few hours later

and fucked a hen right
in front of her chicks.

Wayne, think about the swear jar.

You're putting so much money in.

- All right, let me take peek see?
- Pitter-patter.

Always had a skilled
hand in wrangling vermin.

Thank you, Daryl. And
that doesn't surprise me.

- No sweat.
- No sweat?

In this heat? That is
rich and it's funny.

Honestly though, just
take off your jumper.

I'll hold it for you.
You crawl up in there,

- no one gets dirty.
- Glen?

- Glen?
- Yes.

Let's take about 20% off
'er up there, all right?

Now, you wanna have an eye because
he'll come out meaner and spit

and go like a hot damn.

- Is he likely to bite?
- Is a duck's ass watertight?

Get ready to give him the
size nine's if he jukes by me.

How be I give him the size
twelve and a halfs instead?

Oh, I see him.

Boys, just do your best not to
make too big a mess, all right?

And I'm sorry again about all this heat.

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, for fuck-sakes.

Ow.

You wish there was a
Pied Piper for possums,

but there isn't, so you're gonna have to
just keep pickin' 'em off with the .22.

Buckle up 'cause they're fuckin' ugly.

Of course, that's not to say
I have it all my damn self.

Is that a herpe on your hand, Daryl?

Did you pay a little
extra to go all the way

with a ripper in the back room again?

No, I don't think he'd
make that mistake twice.

Got a little trouser trauma?

Was she fun or was she fungal?

Hey, guess what?

A guy's girlfriend is having a
hard time parking the car, right?

He says, "You should get tested."

She says, "Well no, I'm
not so bad at driving."

He says, "No, I have chlamydia."

Is that a bite?

The guy takes a hooker out for supper.

He gave her his peas,
she gave him herpes.

Daryl, what happened?

- Did something bite you?
- A possum.

- A possum?
- That's right.

- Well, he could have rabies.
- Boo fuckin' hoo.

No, rabies is serious. It attacks
the central nervous system.

If he gets puke between the
floor boards it ain't coming out.

Well, I can't take him to the clinic.

I gotta do an ice run for
the jamboree this week.

Oh, Christ.

Well, Daryl, we're gonna
have to take your van.

Oh, yeah? Where's your nut
sack boyfriend's today, Katy?

They're at an away game
against the Natives.

Oh, I bet they're looking forward
to playing those tough pricks.

Christ.

You sure you're ready to
saddle up to the jamboree again?

It was kind of you and Angie's thing.

No sense sittin' on my hands.

Time to find a new dance partner.

All right, Daryl. Pitter-patter.

Hey, wait a minute. We're...

We're missing two schmelts.

Where are Deetzy and Burnsy?

Oh, looks like a bad case
of the Native flu, bro.

- What's the Native flu?
- You're an idiot.

The Natives are tough as hell.

So another way to say someone
is chicken-shit to play them

is to say they have the Native flu.

Mix in a fuckin' clue, brotato chip.

Keep those fucking bags up, Schmelt.

- Wayne.
- Bonnie, how are you now?

- Good and you?
- Not so bad.

- This isn't all for you, is it?
- It sure is.

Is it for the jamboree?

If we ever get it there.

- Save me a dance?
- Yup, sure.

Thank you. I've always wanted
to dance with you, Wayne.

Oh, yeah?

We've all been watching you and
Angie dance for so long thinking

- when's it gonna be our turns?
- Oh, yeah?

But trust me, watching was enough.

You used to move her body around
like it didn't weigh a feather.

Well, you know, I think I got
about a dozen baker's dozen here

I guess we could just scan them
and then I'll get out of your hair.

- Oh, yeah, I'll scan them.
- Okay.

It's broken.

It'll be our little secret.

Okay, sit down.

Oh.

Stewart?

Katy?

You look grisly.

You look beautiful.

But I can't quite see you right now.

What's wrong with you? Meth?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You're not a teenager
anymore. It's not charming.

I use to charm you?

Wrong takeaway.

You know, you're not a fuckin' idiot.

You could turn it
around if you wanted to.

You know, I remember sneaking
into your parties when I was 15,

stealing your mix-tapes.

All your own music.

I was really impressed.

Guess those days are over, though.

All right, Dairy, let's go.

Dairy, come on.

And yeah.

You did use to charm me.

- McMurray, how're ya now?
- Not so bad, and you?

- Not so bad.
- I see you back to the jamboree, now.

- A few weeks off there.
- Oh, you noticed.

Well, it's hard not to notice
all that Scottish tartan

plaid you seem to enjoy so much.

I wanted to talk about
something important.

- Okay.
- My sister Bonnie is back from college,

and she's a damn fine woman.

Oh, yeah. I just seen her down
at the dollar store, there.

You sure it was her?

I mean, last time I seen her last
she was in a kind of a DIY maxi dress,

but she may have added a crochet
pattern sweater on account of the breeze.

Maybe autumn foliage
or an Algonquin green?

Okay.

I think she'd be a damn
fine match for you, Wayne.

That's if you're ready.

You know, 'cause of Angie and all.

She's a lovely girl.

- No, you go ahead.
- That is if you...

But you started, you mind finishing?

Oh, it's just, was gonna
say the space, looks,

looks nice and clean without the...

Yup.

Run pretty good.

- Well, all right. All right.
- Yeah. Hey, uh, I'll let you carry on.

It's a good box of ice.

Yeah, good to see you. Have a good one.

Yeah.

Hey, wait.

You save her dance now, eh, big boy?

Good enough, McMurray.

Atta boy.

Does that taste right?

Ya, okay.

Mmm.

I think so, I don't know, I don't know.

I've had an epiphany!

- Uh, can you taste this?
- No.

- Never again.
- Okay, okay, okay,

then, can you snort it?

No. I've given up on the meth business.

I'm going back to the turntables.

- Hmm?
- Back to the ones and twos.

For what?

To become a superstar DJ.

Oh, okay, okay, uh...

- But first, can you...
- Let's just try...

No.

I need you guys to
tell everyone you know

that I am hosting a rave in Letterkenny,

and I will be spinning
under all of my aliases.

How many aliases have you had?

DJ Pimpy Longstockings,
DJ Peter Blumpkin,

DJ White Power Nap,
DJ White Power Bottom.

- They'll all be there!
- All of them.

Mmm-mmm, so you're
quitting the meth business?

I've quit the meth business.

But Menergy Spa is still
like, a thing though, right?

Well, how are you going
to get people to come?

I'll post it on my fuckin' Facebook.

And you guys will post it

on your fuckin' Facebooks.

Wayne.

Christ, Katy, put some
fuckin' clothes on.

Not my forte.

Unfortunate.

Well, I think it's pretty obvious

that I'm moving hay bales
from here over to here.

Although, that one's a straw bale.

Why?

Well, pick up your fuckin' phone.

McMurray's been trying
to reach you all day.

- McMurray.
- At least I was yesterday!

- How're ya now?
- Not so bad and you?

Not so bad.

Listen, Wayne. I've gotta
cancel the Jamboree here.

The Ag Hall's been booked up.

- For the whole week?
- Yes, sir.

What for?

Uh, Stewart. He's throwing a rave.

I don't know, he says he needs time
to set up or something like that.

Said something about a
glow stick Segway saunter

across the rainbow road level
of Mario Kart for Nintendo 64?

I don't know, what the fuck.

And you green-lit that tom-fuckery?

Had to. Agricultural
Hall is low on funds.

All-day bookings is a big boost
for us. So, I couldn't say no.

Agricultural Halls are
for Agricultural music.

Not for fuckin' raves.

Well, that's no way to get your
communication badge, boy scout.

Dairy.

Wayne, Clinic. Pick up. Not feel good.

Well, he's not gonna get his
communication badge, either.

- Dairy.
- What's the fuss?

Good 'n you?

Where you goin'?

I don't know where I am.

Don't look at your
hand. What's the fuss?

Think I have rabies.

Oh, boo fuckin' hoo, big shootsy-wootsy.

- But 'cept do you wanna know what?
- What's that?

Nabbing that possum
was kind of a thrill.

I think I could start
a pest removal business.

Oh, Daryl, that's just silly.

But 'cept do you wanna know
what? I'm gonna help you..

You know Stewart's having
a rave at the Ag Hall?

Agricultural Halls are
for agricultural music.

"Not for fuckin' raves."
That's what I said.

So here's what we're gonna
do and I'm gonna tell ya.

We're gonna wrangle as many
of those critters as possible,

and let 'em loose at Stewart's rave.

How do we get the word
out about the business?

Oh, you'd have to put it on
your fuckin' Facebook, likely.

Over and out.

Look at this bowl of fruit salad.

You want a taste, Tanis?

Ooh, better watch that bark
there. Boy might get bit.

What's going on here? You're
looking a handful short.

Caught a bad case of
the Native flu, or what?

You're drunk. Mix in a water.

Well, it's either that or
you're all tweaking down

that meth town you come from.

What did you say?

Everyone knows Letterkenny
has gone to meth.

You guys a bunch of fuckin' basics.

At least we keep it clean.
We just sell cigarettes.

Your town ain't nothing but a
bunch of jacked-up scab pickers.

Yeah, we'll see what you're calling us

after I bury a couple
of bar down wristers.

Half-clapper, top cheddar.

Biscuits top titties, bar downskies.

Always bar downskie.

Pull out the guns. Safetys off.

Fuckin' safety off, boys.

A little three-on-oneskie?

A little three-on-twoskie?

- Hum a high hard one.
- Hit the red light district.

You won't make it that far, slugger.

- You either, champ.
- Buckets off.

- Center ice.
- Puck drop.

- Shed 'em.
- Go me.

- A little fuck me, fuck you.
- Free nose jobs.

- Let's dance.
- Let's hit the d-floor.

My balls dangle harder than you, boy.

Like I thought, bad
case of the Native flu.

Here's the deal.

Stewart's rave is
eating up all our money,

and the business is failing
without his expertise.

We simply aren't making enough coin
selling the Native's cigarettes.

We need the meth.

Menergy Spa is never going
to happen at this rate.

I officially move to
boycott Stewart's rave,

take it off our fuckin'
Facebooks and sabotage it.

All in favor say, "Aye!"

Aye!

It's unanimous.

How are we going to do this?

We could put something on our Facebooks.

We could say the Ag Hall has asbestos.

Yes, asbestos.

Everyone hates asbestos.
Asbestos is the answer.

Okay.

Let's do that.

Maybe you don't say
asbestos anymore, though.

Okay.

Hey, Katy,

you look beautiful.

You look better.

Um.

I've come to cordially
invite you to my rave tonight.

Stewart.

Fuck, greasiest skid I ever seen.

Criss Angel mind-freak-
looking-motherfucker.

What are you thinking
holding a rave at the Ag Hall?

I'm thinking I'm doing the
Agricultural Society a huge favor.

- You guys are going broke.
- Tits up or not, it's inappropriate.

Why not the Legion?

Or even upstairs at the arena?

Or the fuckin' youth center.

Because they're too small, shirt-tucker.

Be prepared,

because once this blows up

they'll probably ask
me to do it quarterly.

Bi-weekly!

- Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm-hmm.

We'll see if it blows up then.

It'll probably be pretty tough
to find me through the crowd.

Stage security will be pretty tight
but your name's on the guest list,

and there's a backstage
pass with your name on it.

I'll do my best to
make it down, Stewart.

My ass.

And just as a heads up, it is a rave,

so there will probably
be people on drugs.

You know, MDMA.

What? There's gonna
be MDMA at the Ag Hall?

Yes, there will be MDMA
at my rave at the Ag Hall.

There will be MDMA, DMT, PCP, LSD,

LED and probably UFC.

I truly hope to see you there.

Watch your fuckin' hands, skid.

Three, two...

Fuckin' skids are turning
Letterkenny into a gong show, buddy.

Fucking gonger, buddy.

I'm rattled about that
meth chirp, brotein.

- Fuckin' Stewart, bro.
- Fuckin' Stewart, bro.

There's fuckin' two
in that pud, hey, boys?

Put 'em away like a winter coat, boys.

What the fuck was that?

That was garbage.

That was fuckin' pedestrian.

All this beaking is kiddie pool shit.

Is that what you want? Riley, Jonesy?

Huh?

You want to get dropped off at
the splash pad on the way home, eh?

Get mom and dad to pick
you up after you all swim?

No running on the deck,
ya fuckin' pheasants.

Fuck!

Bag skate. Tomorrow, 6:00 a.m.

Fuckin' embarrassing!

You never looked so good.

You never felt so good.

I'm so proud of you, man.

Save me a dance, Wayne.

You look better.

- Where's Stewart, buddy?
- Where is he, bro?

Rave's canceled. Go home.

Bullshit, buddy.

That's not what the poster says, buddy.

I said, it's fuckin' canceled.

Now quit your hollering
before I get cross.

Hey.

When he give a warning,
he don't repeat it.

Yeah.

Seven of us and two of you.

It's a good time for a donnybrook, boys.

Tilly time, boys.

What the fuck are you
pheasants doing out here?

It's 10 minutes to curfew.

You think you can dog fuck
all night and then dance?

Dog fuckin' means no dancin'.

Get home!

It's fuckin' embarrassing.

Well, pitter-patter.

- This isn't over.
- Jinx, you owe me a Coke.

Christ.

McMurray.

Wayne, I've been told
the rave was a bust.

Something about an asbestos scare
or something. No one showed up.

Sister Bonnie, though,
she's still in there.

About that dance you
were going to save her.

She'll be in a sort of golden
poppy progressive onesie.

Either way, you know, get in there, pal.

Give 'er the guts.

Okay.

Bang the very guts right out of her.

- Okay.
- Just have at her, bud, like...

The nut-sack.

Alley oop.

This is a grotesquerie.

It's off.

We are going to make Letterkenny

the biggest meth town
in the whole country.

I love Stewart!

Subtitle by peritta