Letterkenny (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Wingman Wayne - full transcript

Subtitle by peritta

You were out gettin' good
with your pals the other night.

It's been so long since I've
had a pair of tits in my hands,

I popped a lap rocket opening up
a can of tuna last Sunday morning.

Oh, that's off-putting.

Not to old Gail, it isn't.

I'd love to hear your
big bang theory, Daniel.

- Ew.
- Print it.

This is officially me
callin' down for more mayo.

- That's clever.
- Do you like magic?

Pop that purple home wrecker over here.

I'll make her disappear.

We should just be out there just
pole vaultin' around town, boys.

Wouldn't say no to a bit of toe
curlin' and I don't mean maybe.

It won't be long before
you have the option.

College and university kids will
be home for the summer next week.

Well, that should
help your spring fever.

Which is a serious condition
if not handled appropriately.

Mini-skirt and T-bar season.

Yup. By all means,
ladies. Express yourselves.

Go easy down there, Squirrely Dan.

I suffered severely from
the spring fever last year,

had to go into full cougar
mode with an 18-year-old.

- Oh?
- May have been my second cousin.

Oh.

It was either that or
be at home flickin' it

to Grapefruit League
baseball highlights.

You know they're all
gonna be in here lookin'

for a bit of "how's your father."

Make sure your game is tight or
you'll be home firing wristers.

Firing what?

Oh.

What say we make this interesting.

Whichever one of you grabs a tail first

gets 50 bucks off their bar tab.

In.

That is a Texas sized 10-4.

No, you two get after it.

Here's a tip.

When the gettin's good around
here, stay close to your pal Wayne.

Kid's got more spunk than
a hotel room hand towel.

Well, here's a tip.
Don't fart in a spacesuit.

Here's a tip. Don't sneeze
when you're taking a piss.

Here's a tip. It's really hard
to get tuna out of your dick hole.

This place is about to
be crawling with snapper.

Let's hope this is the last night

you'll be going home
to make a bald man puke.

You naturally prefer companionship,

but I guess there's a lot worse things

than playing a little one
man couch hockey in the dark.

Wearing number 22 for
the Tackville Tornados...

Who fuckin' cares.

Dig deep, bare down, you fuckin' hero.

You're my fuckin' hero, two-two.

Nice flow, you fuckin'
donkey. Take a lap.

Hey, give your balls
a tug, you tit fucker!

What the fuck are you
lookin' at, twos, huh?

You lookin' at my
cock, you fuckin' sally?

Mix in some class, you
fuckin' cock looker!

You're a fuckin' cock looker, two-two!

Hey, shut the fuck up.

You're a fuckin' hero, twos.

Fuckin' suck at hockey, two-two!

Loser.

Ever wonder why Katy doesn't come

watch us play anymore, bud?

Makes no fuckin' sense, buddy.

Just fuckin' stud army
born to go silky shelf.

Silky studs. I mean Italian
silk. Just rippin' ched.

Just chuckin' mitts and suckin' tits.

Tossin' mitties, suckin' titties.

Just look at the snipers up there.

Here to support the boys.

Must be nice Ferda.

Ferda...

It'd be pretty sick to
see Katy up there again.

So sick.

Atta be sures, eh?

First thirsty Thursday
of the season, boys.

How's team morale?

I'm most excited for Buck Hunter.

Boy, I'm gonna tell ya that's
what I'm gonna do, holy fuck.

You guys know if Gail's making
pickled eggs or pickled sausages?

Bear in mind there is no
wrong answer to this question.

I'm gonna be posting
up and looking for love,

and I don't care who knows it.

Don't set the bar too high, mutant.

That's fair.

You guys going to be wearing belts?

Hard no.

Why don't you guys wear belts?

'Cause we buy pants that fucking fit.

Why would I buy a piece
of leather that costs $25,

when I have a perfectly
good skate lace at home?

$25? No.

Fucking $25,

you're lucky to have a $25 bill.

Fuck, you've been to Winners lately?

You're talking about $35, $45.

Winners. Slow down
there, Mr. Rocketfeller.

I go down to the flea
market at St. Jacobs,

$25 could get you at least five belts.

Plus, a commemorative belt buckle
says, "Jesus holds up my pants."

For Sunday morning.

Boy, howdy.

Bunch of d-gens.

Ten losses in a row, bro.

Two's a streak, bro.

Like where the fuck
Schultzy been out there?

Schultzy's dog shit.

Soupy's a plug.

- Smitty's a pile.
- Millsy.

- Cartsy.
- Burnsy.

- Deetzy.
- Brooksy.

- Brooksy's got a hern-dog.
- Seri-dog?

He's having off-season
surgery for a sports hern-dog.

He's out four to six.

- Four to six for.
- Best plan.

- Like where's Coopsy been?
- Playing like poopsy.

- Playing like Milan Poocic.
- P.K. Pooban.

And Ryan Poo-gent Hopkins.

Pookka Rask.

The brothers Miko and Saku Koi-poo.

- Joke, bro.
- It's embarrassing.

Katy!

How come you don't
watch us play anymore?

'Cause you're dog shit.

We're not dog shit. I
mean, the boys are dog shit.

But we're pretty good.

Is that why they always
play and you guys never do?

She might be onto something there, bro.

Not seeing a whole lot of
special teams time, buddy.

I haven't killed a penalty all year.

I mean, we wanna score goals, but
we'd just end up killing them boys.

Mmm-hmm.

Would you come watch if
we play a regular shift?

Duh. The fuck else am I
going to do around here?

Time to set up a meeting with the Coach.

Buh-doo!

We're the biggest Pantene
pros in the league.

Mix in some big minutes for
a couple stick and pucksters.

You guys don't give
a shit about winning.

You just want the hockey player
lifestyle. You are posers.

So what are we gonna do?

You need to get in shape!

Study the tape!

Play with some intensity!

Hold my spitter.

So basically what you are saying is...

We're at this level.

But we've got to get to this level.

Done!

You're a fucking beauty.

Registered beautician.

What do you guys think of the program?

Well... Uh...

Just kidding, I don't give a fuck.

- Gutty.
- Yeah, a little gutty.

- Little gutty.
- Fuck.

That's when you cut off her balls.

- Cut off her balls?
- Correct.

I think you mean, "Cut off his balls."

Incorrect.

- Oh, no?
- Oh, yes.

That is why you never
give a sword to a hooker.

Hey, Wayne. How many planets are there?

Well, with the whole Pluto debate.

Give or take, eight planets.

There'll only be seven
after I destroy Uranus.

- Buy you a drink?
- Okay.

Who's that?

Who? Kyle Schneidstiller's sister?

Is that who she is?

That's Kyle Schneidstiller's
little sister.

You know, he's a decent dude.

She's finer than frog hair.

Have an eye for the fertility, boys.

She's been knocked-up twice.

She's a one-shot Sally.

Also...

She dated Boots for a while
before he went to jail.

You guys ever hear anything
about that guy fucking an ostrich?

No...

The Ginger fucked an ostrich.

Allegedly.

It would take more than
one guy to fuck an ostrich.

We've heard

that it was a sick ostrich.

Well, it would take two
guys to fuck an ostrich.

Three even.

Again,

we're hearing it was a sick ostrich.

Still, it's a three-man job to fuck one.

But wait...

Was that before or after he dated
Kyle Schneidstiller's sister?

Oh, it's almost not
worth thinkin' about.

Oh, we have an eye.

She's sweet on you, Dary.

That's your next sweetie right there.

Go talk to her.

What's your logic there?

You see what she's doing with her hair?

That's called a hair show.

When a gal's sweet on a guy,

and she wants to get his attention,

she just starts fucking
with her hair whole bunch.

What for?

So you notice more
about the way they look.

Like how her face is framed
with her hair up or down.

And also make you think like...

Well, I wouldn't wanna touch it.

Well, yeah, I think I
would like to touch it.

Well, get after it.

But don't lead with
the touchin', though.

All right. I will.

Just, not just yet.
Maybe after a couple.

There.

Okay, bro, workout program.

- Go.
- Gotta start with burpees, buddy.

Just ripping burpee boxshums, buddy.

50 burpees, 50 pushups...

50 burpees, 50 pushups.

- Stairs.
- Protein break.

Just ripping skull crashers.

Just rippin' forced reps.

Forced rep super sets.

- Bird up.
- Just rippin' anti-gravity press.

Just rippin' Advanced
Kettlebell Windmill.

Just rippin' barbell half-squats.

Just rippin' drop sets.

Just rippin' Swiss ball jackknifes.

Just rippin' silly animal stack.

Just rippin' bent over rear
delt raise with head on bench.

Fuckin' delts to die for, buddy.

Just rippin' cable rope
overhead tricep extensions.

#Noexcuses.

#Beachbody.

Legs?

Hate doing legs.

Let's skip leg day.

That's the best ass-wash of
your life right there, boys.

Good work, Shoresy.

Look at the hustle on, Shoresy.

Best ass-wash of your life.

Ooh.

Perfect score in the bonus round.

Don't think I've ever seen that before.

Remember what happened here today.

You can't forget something like that.

Seen Angie in here with her new
boyfriend again a couple nights ago.

Oh, who gives a care.

Remember I told you
he was in a '94 Jeep YJ

with a wave decal on the side?

- He made an upgrade.
- Short trip.

Pulled up in here in a
2003 aquamarine Audi wagon

with a magenta "Fear
this" sticker on the back.

Ain't no reason to get excited.

Came in here wearing a pair
of Fandango pink pastel khakis

with a white, gold leather
chain fuckin' wallet,

Creed T-shirt on.

Remarkable.

I know.

He had a deep carrot orange
fedora with a burnt orange stripe

and a little cauliflower blue feather

with a fucking, I don't know,
looked like to me some kind of

a black-bearded titmouse
or some kind of shit.

Did you know there's a type
of bird called a Bushtit?

- I did not.
- It's a type of chickadee.

He also had an imperial purple...

That'll do, McMurray.

I'm just sayin' it must suck balls

to lose to a fucking
douchebag like that.

Hi.

Heard you doin' all
right at Buck Hunter.

What say I give you a quick squeezer
in the parking lot there, eh?

Could be worse.

Could indeed.

There a vet around here, ladies?

These puppies are sick.

Christ, I would snort her dandruff.

Dandruff is a fungus. I think
you mean you'd sniff her flakes.

Then you are giving me far
too much credit, my boy.

Oh, oh.

Lookin' some comely
tonight there, big fella.

Do you wanna know what, Gail?

I think you've got a
case of the spring fever.

Can I get you a drink?

Okay.

You see that one?

She's like a Middle Eastern rebel army.

'Cause there's a political
uprising in my pants.

Well, shoulders back. Here she comes.

Excuse me, boys.

She's sweet on you. Get after it.

You think so?

You see what she just did?

Touched your back and then, moved on?

That's called the
unnecessary squeeze-by.

- Is that what it's called?
- Mmm-hmm.

You noticed she had about half a
fuckin' soccer field to get past

but instead leaned in
close, got a bit handsy

like there was only
a tiny lane to get by?

The unnecessary squeeze-by.

Go talk to her.

Let's fire back a couple of shots first.

Well, this is swiftly becoming
a counterproductive practice,

but okay.

Look at Coopsy out there. Just dog shit.

You mean Claude Gir-poo?

Roberto Poo-ongo.

I mean, look at you. You're Kenny
coast-to-coast out there, buddy.

You're Harry High-Sock
buddy. Cory clap bombs.

Thank you.

Sniper.

Snipe!

Didn't your coach tell
you to get in shape?

It's our cheat day.

We'll be rippin' silly
plyometrics right after this

so they cancel each other out.

Then it's arms. Just
rippin' concentration curls.

Just rippin' cross body hammer curls.

Just rippin' alternate
dumbbell bicep curls.

Just rippin' lying close
grip bar curl on high pulley.

Just rippin' alternate one-arm
dumbbell preacher curls.

Just rippin' standing one-arm
bicep curl over incline bench.

You're an idiot.

We're smoke-bombing over to
throw some weights around now.

You wanna come?

Okay.

Ninja dust.

Resistance training!

Muscle atrophy!

Take some snaps of us, snipe.

Yeah, take some snaps
for our Facebooks, snipey!

Take your shirts off.

Tarps off, boys.

Sheddin' tarp, boys.

Take a knee, boys.

Grab a knee boys.

Those beta-blockers really helped
you up your explosive potential, bro.

Muscular endurance,
muscular strength, bro.

Really working those
fast-twitch muscle fibers, buddy.

Isokinetic exercise to really
test your lactic threshold, buddy.

You're never gonna plateau with
that overload principle, buddy.

Rate of perceived exertion.

You really hit your target heart
rate with vigorous intensity.

Thanks, buddy.

So?

We got in shape and studied the tape.

You gonna come watch us
play with intensity tomorrow?

Yeah, I could do that.

Wheel, snipe, celly, boys!

Fuckin' dangles, boys!

Ninja dust.

Hi.

Hmm? How are you now?

- Good and you?
- Not so bad.

Um... Do you know where the washroom is?

Sure,

just right back there.

Okay. Thank you.

You're welcome.

And I'm Jessica.

Wayne.

I know.

Now tell me you saw that.

What?

She's givin' me the big eyes.

Is that what she was doing?

Big eyes?

You know, when a gal's sweet on
a dude and she's shorter than him?

Instead of tilting her
neck up to look at him,

she'll just keep her head
straight and look up with her eyes.

Like puppy dog eyes.

It's like...

"Do you know where the washroom is?"

Versus...

"Do you know where the washroom is?"

Okay. Yeah.

Big eyes.

Wayne, she's still
giving you the big eyes.

Well, don't have to tell me twice.

It's about time one of
you showed some finish.

She's so hot I'd jerk off her dad
just to see where she came from.

Who? Jivin' Pete?

No.

That's her dad. Jivin' Pete.

Jivin' Pete.

Yeah.

Got his nuts are all bunned up

after a donkey kicked him.

Ruptured the hydrocele.

One of them swole up to
look like a ripe avocado.

Other one looks like a peach pit.

I'll get him to show it to you.

He'll show to just about
anybody when he's drunk.

Either way, whole unit's more
cauliflowered than a UFC fighter's ear.

Nice, nice penalty kill, boys.

Love the hustle!

- Love the hustle!
- Look at that hustle, eh?

Well, piece of shit...

Who brought the fuckin' rocket, boys?

Holy fuck, boys.

Who's billet sister's a fuckin' rocket?

She's a fuckin' rocket.

I got a fucking rocket
in my pants, right now.

Dibs on digis, boys.

Already dibs'd digits, buddy.

No, I dibs'd her in warm up,

you were throwin'
sauce at the blue line.

I was dibsing digis.

Who the fuck you dibs 'em to?

A dibs is a dibs is a dibs,
buddy. Who gives a shit.

If a dibs falls in the forest

and there's no one around to
hear it, is it still a dibs?

Well, fuck, yeah, buddy!

Fuck no, buddy!

Give your balls a tug, you tit fucker!

Wake up, you fuckin' pheasants!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wake up, you mutants.

You're missing out on all the girls

who do not want to have sex with you.

Awfully pedestrian effort
from our boys tonight, Katy.

No discount on bar tabs
tonight, Chester and Charlie!

What was your problem, big shoots?

He did all right. Didn't you, Wayne?

He spent some time in the bathroom

with a hot, little spinner
who had such a butt on her.

I took one look at it and
thought, "Jesus Christ, woman,

"you shit with that ass?"

Attaboy!

Boys!

- Sniper.
- Snipe!

Gotta say, I had a
fucking hoot at the game.

Two fights.

Hockey players have the nicest asses.

Okay, we don't want you coming anymore.

Too distracting for the boys.

- Ferda.
- Ferda.

- What?
- Uh...

It's too distracting.

For the boys.

Yeah, no, I heard you.

I heard you say that I'm a distraction.

Okay.

Well, guess I'll have to
find one of your teammates

to dibs my digits.

We dibs'd those digis!

You did a decent job
with these d-gens tonight.

Thank you, Gail.

I said decent.

You forgot the most important thing.

Don't get so drunk you couldn't
use it even if you had the option.

Mmm-hmm.

I'll tell you what and
I'll only tell you once.

You've got the pick of
the litter around here

so you may as well get pickin'.

I've got this fifty bucks
and no one to claim it.

What say we put it in your jeans

and see what else is hangin'
around in there while we're at it?

No.

- Like what's in your jeans, big fella?
- Nothin'...

I mean it. Cripes, I may
not go down in history,

but I'll go down on you.

Okay.

You want to do 68?

- I'll help you clean up.
- You'll go down on me?

And I'll owe you one.

Where's that rag? There it is.

Wake up, big shoots
and really big shoots.

More hands make less work.

Call me cake!

'Cause I go straight
to your ass, cowboy.

There's cake?

No.

Subtitle by peritta