Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 4, Episode 14 - Uncle Billy - full transcript

Starring...

and...

Wally, do you want
more pancakes?

Oh, no, thanks, Mom.

I'm supposed to meet
Eddie Haskell right away.

What are you and
Eddie doing today

that's so important?

Oh, nothing. We're
just gonna mess around.

Wally, you always say that.

What do you mean
by messing around?

Well, I don't know,
you just go someplace



and wait for
something to happen.

All right.

But I wish you
wouldn't wait with Eddie.

Well, I got to go too, Mom.

Me and Whitey are going
over to Edison's Dump.

What in the world for?

To watch the bulldozer
bury the garbage.

Doesn't sound very healthful.

Well, it must be okay, Mom.

'Cause the guy told us

that when they get
enough of it piled up,

they're gonna
build houses on it.

Isn't that nice?

I'll get it.



Wally, would you pass the syrup.

Sure, Mom.

Hello. Yeah, this
is Ward Cleaver.

Well, hello there. How are you?

Well, yes, it has been
a long time, hasn't it?

Oh, yes. We'll be home.

Yes, certainly.

We'd be disappointed
not to see you.

Fine.

Yeah, fine.

Uh-huh. All right, good-bye.

Hey, Dad, who would you
be disappointed not to see?

Never mind, Beaver.

Say, weren't you boys
in a hurry to leave?

Well, ah, yeah, yeah. Sure, Dad.

Don't you boys
get into any trouble.

Yeah, Wally. You
better watch it.

Come on, Beav.

Hey Wally, who do you
think was on the phone?

And what do you
think is going on?

Oh, I don't know.

It must be something pretty good

the way they got
rid of us in a hurry.

Yeah.

Your Uncle Billy?

Hmm-mm.

Is he in town?

He sure is.

He wants to come by
and say hello this evening.

I suppose it means dinner.

It always has.

Well, I hope he's
calmed down a little.

He might be a little
flamboyant for the boys.

Yeah, I thought about that.

But, after all, he's
my father's brother

and he hasn't seen the
boys since they were babies.

Well, all right, dear.

But personally, I
wish he'd come to town

when the boys were
at summer camp.

Boy, that sure is
a ritzy-looking car.

I wonder who's sick.

Well, it's not a doctor's car.

There isn't a snake wrapped
around the license plate.

Mom and Dad have got
some kind of fancy company.

Yeah.

Hey, let's go in the back door

so they won't kiss us

and tell us how much
we've grown and all that junk.

Yeah.

Boys, come on in.

There's someone I
want you to say hello to.

Okay, Dad.

Well, we might as well go in

and get the
slobbering over with.

Oh, the boys will be
right in, Uncle Billy.

I remember when
the first one was born,

seeing how much he
resembled your side of the family.

I also remember saying,
what a blessing it was.

Wally, Theodore, this is
your father's Uncle Billy.

Oh, how do you do, sir?

How do you do?

Now, aren't you two
fine-looking boys?

You're a fine-looking
uncle, too.

Well, Uncle Billy is coming back

to have dinner with us later on.

Well, what have you been
doing today, young fella?

Out fishing?

Or were you down
on the old sand lot

playing One O' Cat, huh?

No, sir.

Well, I was over at the
dump looking at garbage.

Well, now that's a
worthy occupation.

And what about you, big fella?

Well, I was just sort of
messing around downtown.

Well, now that's a
worthy occupation too,

if you don't get caught at it.

Uncle Billy, we
plan to eat at 6.

Oh, don't you worry.

I'm just going down to the hotel

to change my shirt and wash up.

Never been late
to a free meal yet.

Well, we'll see you in
about an hour then, huh?

Hey, by the way, I
got something here

for you two fellas.

Here.

Here.

Think that'll tide you
over 'till I can get back?

Wow. 10 whole dollars.

Gee, thanks a lot, Uncle Bill.

Yeah. Yeah. Thanks a lot.

Well, now, Billy, there was
no reason for doing that.

Sure, there is.

Don't you remember
when you were their age?

I don't want you
boys saving that up

for some rainy day or
anything foolish like that.

I want you to go out and
spend it for something crazy.

Well, see you later.

Bye.

Boy, 10 whole dollars.

That's the neatest
uncle I ever heard of.

Boy, I'll say. Come
on, let's go, Beav.

Ward, Ward, are you gonna
let them keep that money?

Well what else can I do, dear?

If I take it away from them now,

it'll just make him a
bigger hero than ever.

Well, couldn't you
just sort of tell the boys

that Uncle Billy is,
well, the way he is?

Well, that's sort
of hard to do, June.

You know, after all, we've
always taught the boys

to respect older people,
particularly their relatives.

And, well, I can't just
go up there and say

"Boys, I'm sorry, but your
Uncle Billy is a windbag."

There he was... the
biggest old grizzly bear

I ever seen outside of a zoo.

He's just standing
there in the clearing

eating blueberries like he
didn't have a care in the world.

Did you shoot him, Uncle Billy?

Well, I got a beat on
him but my rifle jammed.

Gee, Uncle Billy,
what'd you do then?

What'd I do?

I just said, "Listen, bear,

"you just keep on
eating them blueberries

till I get this
machinery fixed."

Then did you shoot him?

Shot him so quick,

he still had a blueberry
grin on his face

when they stuffed him.

Well, Billy, you certainly
still have the knack

for telling stories.

Oh, I'm not telling a story.
I'm giving the boys the facts.

Gee, Uncle Billy, I guess
you did a lot of hunting, huh?

Hunting.

Did I ever tell
you about the time

I went to Alaska with
Admiral Cranston?

It was during the War and
the Admiral and I were...

Uncle Billy, would you
like another cup of coffee?

Oh, no. No, thank you.

Wonderful dinner,
June. Wonderful dinner!

Ward, I've always said
you are a very lucky man

to have a girl like June.

Well, I think I'm pretty lucky
to have a man like Ward.

Gee, Mom, the way
you and Dad talk,

it sounds like you won
each other in a raffle.

He's a Cleaver all right.

Say, can I help you
do the dishes, June?

Do you really want to, Billy?

No, of course not.

It's always polite to
offer, isn't it, boys?

Yeah, I guess so, Uncle Billy.

Ward, while you're helping
June clean up the kitchen,

I want to have a nice
talk with my nephews.

Dear, those boys believe
every word he says.

Couldn't you have
slowed him down a little?

Oh, I don't know. I guess
I began remembering

how much I enjoyed his
stories when I was kid.

Well, I guess we'll be all right

as long as he sticks to
bears and blueberries.

Wally, I bet you got three or
four girls on the string, huh?

Well, gee, I don't know.

He's got a couple of
girls that hang around him.

And he's got a couple
of girls he hangs around.

But I don't think he's gonna
marry them or anything.

Oh, cut it out, Beaver.

Well, how many bears has
Uncle Billy killed since dinner?

He's not doing all the talking.

Beaver's telling
him about all the girls

who hang around Wally.

What girls?

Well, I don't think we're
supposed to know about them.

We're just his parents.

What about you, Theodore?

What are you spending
your time doing?

Well, mostly I go to school

and try to keep
from getting yelled at.

Oh, I bet you do more than that.

Either one of you
like to fish or hunt?

Well, once in a while, I
get to go hunting with Dad.

Yeah. Last year, they brought
back a whole bunch of dead ducks,

but Mom wouldn't go near
them so we had to eat out.

I'll tell you, Wally,
I'm going back home.

And you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna pack up that
gun I killed a grizzly with,

send it right off to you.

Well, gee, Uncle Billy,

you wouldn't want to send a
real neat gun like that to me.

Why, sure I would. I got
a whole room full of guns.

Who knows? One of these days,

you might get yourself
a blueberry bear.

Tell me something.

Did Uncle Billy ever really
shoot a bear in Alaska?

Well, now Uncle Billy
may have been in Alaska

sometime during his life,

and he might have shot a bear.

But whether the two events
occurred simultaneously or not

is hard to say.

What's the matter, Beaver?

Your face gets much longer,
you're gonna step on your chin.

Afraid I wasn't gonna
get you somethin' too?

What do you like?

You like hunting and fishing?

Yeah, I think fishing is neat.

Well, I'll tell you what,

trout season is
coming up pretty soon.

What you need is a nice
silk wrapped bamboo pole

with a spinning reel.

Gee, that'd be neat.

You got a whole
room full of those too?

No. But I'll tell you what.

I saw a sporting goods
store downtown today

right near my hotel.

Oh, yeah.

That must be Briggs
Sporting Goods Store.

You know, I might just
drop in there tomorrow

and pick out an outfit for you.

Pick out one of the best.

If they ain't got
one good enough,

we'll have them send
away to New York and get it.

Now what do you think of that?

Gee, Uncle Billy,
that'd be neat.

I guess I was about Wally's age

when he promised to take
me to Mexico sail fishing.

That story kept me
going for three summers.

Well, if you knew
it was a story,

why didn't you pin him down?

Well, if I had done that,

he might have stopped
telling me the stories.

You know, boys,
speaking of fishing,

when your father was about,

ah, oh, he was about
Wally's age there,

I used to take him down
to Mexico sail fishing,

charter a boat from a
fella named Martinez.

We really used to go
out and get the big ones.

Hi, dear.

Hi.

I'll be back in a
couple of hours.

Where are you going?

I promised Fred Rutherford

I'd help him look at
new cars this morning.

Why doesn't
Gwendolyn go with him?

Oh, it's a big secret.

Fred wants to surprise her
with a new car on her birthday.

He's going to park it
out in front of the house

all wrapped in cellophane
with a big ribbon on it.

That doesn't sound like Fred.

But it's certainly sweet of him.

Then in a couple of days,
he's gonna give her the old car

and drive the new one to work.

That sounds like Fred.

Honey, are we
gonna have Uncle Billy

for supper again tonight?

No. He has some
sort of business dinner.

I don't know, someone he knew
from years ago or something.

Say, where did Beaver leave
to in such a hurry this morning?

I asked him and he said nowhere.

Oh. Well, I guess at his age,

that's as safe a
place to go as any.

I'll see you later.

All right, honey.

Hello there, young man,
what can I do to help you?

Has my father's Uncle Billy
been in here this morning?

Well, I don't know.

What does your father's
Uncle Billy look like?

Well, he's sort of a big fellow.

But he's bigger in the middle
than he is up and down.

I don't remember
anyone like that.

Well, he was gonna come in here

and buy me a new fishing pole,

and if you didn't have
anything good enough,

he was gonna have you
send away to New York for it.

Well, I'm afraid he
hasn't been in here as yet.

Oh.

Well, then do you mind if
I sit here and wait for him?

I won't break anything or
ask any dumb questions.

No, not at all.

You go over there and
make yourself comfortable.

Thanks, Mister.

Hey, Mom, are
you gonna fix lunch

or should I slap
something together?

I'm gonna fix lunch as soon
as your brother gets home.

Do you have any
idea where he is?

Well, I kind of
think he went down

to Briggs Sporting Goods Store.

Oh, why would he go down there?

On account of Uncle Billy.

Oh?

Yeah. Yeah, last
night, Uncle Billy said

that he'd pick Beaver
out a rod and reel,

and he also said that
when he gets back home,

he's gonna send me the gun

that he used to shoot
grizzly bears with.

Wally, sit down.

I don't know about this.

You boys may be heading
for some sort of a letdown.

I know he's your father's uncle,

but, well, he's sort of
inclined to exaggerate.

Yeah, I kind of figured he was.

But heck, Mom, he just
might give us all that stuff.

After all, he gave us each $10,

and he used to take Dad sail
fishing in Mexico, didn't he?

Wally, no, he didn't.
I'm afraid all he did

was promise to take
your father to Mexico.

Oh, Uncle Billy means well.

It's just that a lot of things
he says just never get done.

Yeah.

Well, I guess I'd better go down

and get Beaver out
of there right away.

Well, he's liable to sit there
till he croaks or something.

Mister?

Yes, son.

I know I said I wouldn't
ask any dumb questions,

but how long have
I been sitting there?

About 40 minutes.

My father's Uncle
Billy didn't call and say

he'd be late or
anything, did he?

No. He didn't.

But, would you like to
look at some rods and reels

while you're waiting?

No. I'd better not.

I don't want to spoil
it for my Uncle Billy.

Hi, Beav.

Hi, Wally.

Uncle Billy hasn't
gotten here yet.

Yeah, well, look, Beaver,

I don't think he's
gonna get here,

and Mom wants you to
come on home for lunch.

Gee, if I did
that, I'd miss him.

Look, Beaver, Mom
said that Uncle Billy

is all the time exaggerating

and, heck, he never took Dad
fishing in Mexico or anything.

He did too. You're
just making that up.

He's a neat guy.

Beaver, he is not.

Well, he is too.

And I'm gonna go over
to his hotel and ask him.

I'm getting interested in this.

Did this Uncle Billy
promise you something, too?

Oh, yeah, he said he was
gonna send me the gun

that he used to shoot
grizzly bears in Alaska

when they were
eating blueberries.

You know something, young man?

What?

You've really got
yourself an uncle.

Hi, Mom.

Where's the Beaver?

Well, I tried to get him
to come home with me,

but he just said he was
gonna go over to the hotel

and see Uncle Billy.

Beaver must be so disappointed.

Boy, I'll say. He was
practically bawling.

I just hope when
he gets to the lobby,

he doesn't go ape or something.

What?

Well, you know, start
yelling and screaming.

Wally, you're not helping
at all, talking like that.

Oh, sorry, Mom.

Hi, dear.

Well, guess what color car
Fred bought for Gwendolyn.

Oh, Ward.

What's the matter?

It's Uncle Billy, Dad.

What do you mean,
it's Uncle Billy?

Well, he promised
Beaver a fishing pole.

And poor Beaver's
been waiting for him

down in that sporting
goods store all morning,

and now he's out
looking for him.

Yeah, Dad. And he
made up all kinds of junk

about sending me a gun.

But I'm too old to
crack up about it

the way Beaver is.

Well, I think it's about time
someone told Uncle Billy

how much trouble these
stories of his can cause.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna call him and
tell him we've had enough.

Hello, William
Cleaver's room, please.

Hey, Dad, when you get him,

you don't have to
mention anything

about the gun or anything.

You can just yell at him
for what he did to Beaver.

Wally, I think I
can handle this.

Hello? Oh, he doesn't answer?

I'd like to leave a
message for him, please.

Would you ask him
to call Ward Cleaver?

Thank you.

So I says to the senator,

"Look, Ed, you and me have
been friends for a long time.

"But if you can't see our
way on this water project,

"next time you go
down to Washington,

you better buy a
round trip ticket."

Do you always call
senators by their first names?

I remember my old
friend, Norm Blake,

when he was governor.

He called me on his private line

and he says, "Billy,
these high pressure boys

are trying to snow me down here.

I want somebody down here
who can talk my language."

He didn't have to ask me twice.

I said, "Norm, I'll grab my
hat and be on the next plane."

Well, Beaver, what are
you doing downtown?

Oh Sam, Gloria, this is my
nephew, Theodore Cleaver.

Hello.

How do you do?

What's the matter there, son?

You look like you're about
to step on your chin again.

Well, ah, ah... Yes, Beaver?

I just came downtown
to say good-bye.

Well, and thanks for the $10
to spend on something crazy.

Well, thank you, Theodore.

Very nice boy, Mr. Cleaver.

Yes. Yes, he is.

He reminds me of
his father his age.

I used to have some great
times with that boy's father.

I used to take him
down to Cuervas,

Mexico, sail fishing.

We'd charter a boat and
really go out after the big ones.

Uh-huh. I see.

Well, just tell him that
Ward Cleaver called again.

Ward, I think you
should get the car out

and go look for Beaver.

Never mind, Dad. Here he comes.

He's ah, he's walking
kind of slow-like.

Oh. That poor baby.

Well, gee, Mom,
don't call him that.

Give him a break.

Well, hello, Beaver.

Hi, Dad. Hi, Mom.

Well, Beaver, we've
been worried about you.

Where have you been?

No place.

I just went downtown,
and then I came back home,

and I didn't get
killed or anything,

so can I have some lunch now?

Well, of course you can, Beaver.

I'll go fix it for
you right away.

Come on, Wally. Beaver,
you go get washed.

Okay, Mom.

I'll get the telephone
in here, dear.

Beaver, I ah, I guess
I should have told you

more about Uncle Billy
before he came here.

Gee Dad, that's all right.

It was okay finding
out about him myself.

Did you see him downtown?

Yeah, he was telling
stories to the barber

and the lady who was
cleaning his fingernails

and they were making
looks at him behind his back.

What kind of looks?

They were laughing at him
without using their faces.

Ward, it's Uncle Billy.

All right.

Well, I guess
we're gonna have to

straighten Uncle
Billy out a little.

Dad?

Yeah, what is it, Beaver?

Well, you know, Dad,
there's some kids in my school

that make up stories
just so guys will like 'em.

Well, yeah, I suppose there are.

What does that have
to do with Uncle Billy?

Well, I think Uncle Billy is
maybe like one of those kids.

Oh.

Well, Beaver, I never
thought of it before,

but I guess maybe he is.

He probably doesn't
even realize that his stories

could ever hurt anyone because,

well, 'cause I guess he
doesn't ever listen to himself.

Ward!

All right, dear. You
hurry along, Beav.

Okay, Dad.

Here he is.

Hello, Billy.

Huh?

Oh, no. No.

Nothing really important.

I just wanted to call
and say good-bye,

and wish you a nice trip back.

Yes, well, we'll certainly
hope to see you again soon too.

All right. All right.

I'll tell June that.

All right, Billy. Good-bye.

Ward, I thought you were
gonna say something to him.

Yeah, Dad.

I thought you were
gonna blast him.

Would you really have
wanted me to blast him, Wally?

Well, no, I guess not.

But, well, if you
were gonna do it,

I just wanted to be around.

Ward, you've been
trying to get him

on the telephone for an hour.

Why'd you change your mind?

Well, Beaver pointed out
something to me about Billy

that I had never
thought of before.

Like a lot of other
children in the world,

he just wants to be liked.

Hey Dad, Uncle Billy was
your father's brother, wasn't he?

Yeah.

Well, did your father go around

making up all
kinds of wild stories

like Uncle Billy does?

No, sir.

My father was a very
solid, sober citizen

with both feet on the ground.

Matter of fact, so were
the other three brothers.

Come to think of it,

I guess they only allow
one Uncle Billy to a family.

A lot of big shots
up here in the capital

are giving me a rough
time, so grab the next plane

and get down here,
and talk my language.

You know, you
do that pretty good.

Maybe you'll grow up
to be another Uncle Billy.

Nah.

I wouldn't want to
be another Uncle Billy

and have people laughing at
me from inside their stomach.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, who was laughing at
him from inside their stomachs?

The barber and the lady

who was cleaning
his fingernails.

Oh, he must have been
having one of those manicures.

A lot of men get them.

I wouldn't want one.

I even feel funny when the
school nurse cleans out my ears.

I guess I just don't
like ladies poking at me.