Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Perfume Salesmen - full transcript

[Ward Narrating]
As you know, our kids think
of all kinds of ways to make money.

They’ll even go so far as to
actually sell water to their friends.

But on occasion, they run into
some pretty still sales resistance.

And that’s our story tonight
on Leave It To Beaver.

[Announcer]
Leave It To Beaver.

Starring Barbara Billingsley,
Hugh Beaumont Tony Dow...

and Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.

Oh, Ward. Oh.

Ward, would you mail this
from the office?

I don't have an airmail stamp.
Sure.

What are you doing, writing the
Ladies’ Home Journal again to find out
how to get along with your husband?



I already know how to handle you.
The boys want you to mail this.

"Mason Acme Products.”
They forgot to seal it.

I wonder why they're writing
Mason Acme Products Company.

Well, if you're so curious,
why didn't you take a peek?

I wouldn't do a thing like that.

I thought you might though.

You know, someday I'm gonna write
the Ladies’ Home Journal about you.

Well, aren't you just a little curious
to know what they're sending for?

No, not especially.
They're pretty sensible kids.

And I think we should show
enough confidence in them
to respect their privacy.

If you decide to open it up at the office,
call me up and let me know what's in it.

Okay.

Thanks a lot.
Yeah, thanks a lot.

Sure got here fast.
It only took a week.



Yeah. Hi, Dad. Hi, Mom.

Wally, can I help carry it?
Sure.

It's gonna be great, Beave.
Yeah, we'll make $100 million.

Mason Acme Products Company.
Now aren't you a little curious?

Not unduly.
It's an enormous box.

It might be a machine gun
or a bomb or something.

Well, if it is, we'll hear about it
soon enough.

Now look, Ward.
I think you should find out
what those boys are up to.

Dear, I think we should
have faith in our boys.

Well, you don't have to
have blind faith.

Have it your own way.

"Enclosed are your 24 bottles
of Flower of the Orient perfume.

"After you sell this
fast—moving merchandise
to your friends and neighbors,

just remit $24 plus tax
and we will rush you
a Screenmaster movie projector.”

Wally, there's another
picture of it on the back.

Boy, we could make lots
of money showing movies,
just like in a real theater.

Yeah, but don't go telling
any of the other kids.

They'll all be getting projectors.

We won't have any trouble
selling this stuff.

Yeah, I bet we can
sell it all this afternoon.

— What does it smell like, Wally?
—I don't know.

What does it smell like to you?

Kind of like an old catcher's mitt.

[Chuckles]
Yeah.

— You think that's good, Wally?
— I don't know. Women are funny.

Maybe they like to smell
like old catcher's mitts.

Yeah. Come on, Wally.
Let's get out and start selling.

[No Audible Dialogue]

[No Audible Dialogue]

[No Audible Dialogue]

Here they come.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

I'm just dying to know what it is
they got from Mason Acme.

They've had it outside all day,
so whatever it is, it thrives
in the open air.

Dear, please don't
pull them out by the chord.

Gee, Beave.
We didn't even sell one bottle.

Yeah, maybe women don't like
to smell like catcher's mitts.

What do we do now, Wally?

We'll never get rid of this junk.

Should we throw it away?
Nah, let's put it in the closet.

Maybe we can unload it at Christmas.

Yeah.

Oh, thanks very much.

Oh, Ward, you should see our two boys.
They're folding their towels,
they're picking up their dirty clothes...

and they're making their beds
like two little angels.

What's that?
Special delivery letter just came
For your two little angels.

Some lawyers are suing them.

"Dunlap and Carter, Attorneys at Law.

"Gentlemen, you have chosen
to ignore our three previous letters...

"requesting immediate payment or
a return of merchandise to our client,
Mason Acme Products.

Therefore, this is to inform you
that unless the $24 is in our hands
by return mail”—

What's this all about?

Well, apparently the boys were
supposed to sell 24 bottles of, uh,
Flower of the Orient perfume.

And they were to win something
called a Screenmaster movie projector.

But it says here
they sent three other letters.
We never knew about them.

You know, this never would've happened
If you'd let me open that letter
in the first place.

— What?
— I just wanted to say it before you did.

Well, what are you
going to do about it?

I'm not gonna let them
put my babies in jail.
There’s no problem.

I'll just get the perfume
and send it back to the company...

with a polite little note, uh,
accusing them of exploiting child labor.

[Door Closes]

Ah, you're doing
a nice job there, boys.

Thanks, Dad.
Yeah, thanks, Dad.

Uh, could I see the perfume, boys?

Perfume?
What perfume is that, Dad?
Yeah, what perfume is that, Dad?

The 24 bottles of Flower of the Orient.

— Flower of the Orient?
— Yeah.

Another letter came today.

Oh, that Flower of the Orient.

Better get it, Beave.

Boys, why didn't you tell me
about this in the beginning?

We "thunk" we could sell it,
didn't we, Wally?

Yeah, Dad. We really did.
We tried all morning the day it came.

Yeah, but why didn't you come to me
when they started sending you those letters?

After we read the first one,
we were "a—scared” to open the others.
We threw them away.

Well, you see, Dad, we wanted
to get this keen movie projector.

Ah. Well, that looks pretty good.

But I'll tell you something, boys.

If you'd wanted
this projector badly enough,
you could've sold that perfume.

We wanted the projector,
but nobody wanted the perfume.

No, boys. In life, when you don't succeed
the first time you try something,

you don't just throw up your hands
and say it can't be done.

Salesmanship is hard work
and sticking to it.

Why, when I was your age I could've sold
a hundred bottles of this stuff in a week.

Could you do it now, Dad?
Huh?

You're a lot smarter now.
Yeah, Dad. Would you really
help us sell the perfume?

Oh, well, I didn't—
It's Saturday.
We've got the whole day.

Yeah, you said you could sell
a hundred bottles. We only got 24.

Well, I'm awfully sorry, boys,

but I've got a golf date today
with Mr. Cartwright, and—

[Both] Oh.
And I'm sure he can
wait until Monday.

Okay, boys.
I'll tell you what.

I'll go down and get the car,
and we'll go out and get rid
Of this stuff just like that.

Give me a bottle of that stuff.
I'll make the first sale to your mother.

Wally, I thought Dad
was gonna be mad at us.

Me too.
Sure is in a good mood.

Yeah. Too bad
we didn't order 48 bottles.

We could've each got a 'jector.

Well, how'd you make out with the boys?
You sending the perfume
back to the company?

Well, uh, no. You see, we got to
kicking it around, and, uh,

we decided to go out
and sell it today.

You and the boys?
Yeah.

I thought you had a golf date
with Mr. Cartwright.

Dear, I'm gonna tell you something.

I'm not only gonna sell that perfume...

but I'm gonna do it and get back
in time to keep that golf date.

You see, uh, I have the type of personality
that's irresistible to housewives.

Oh, do you now?

Madam, would you like to be
the first to purchase a bottle...

Of this new and sensational fragrance,
Flower of the Orient,

the treasured love secret
Of ancient Persia?

I'd be delighted.

That will be one dollar, please.

My husband will give it to you.

Oh. Well, I'll go out
and get the car.

[Sniffs]

Ward.

Ward.

What's the matter?

You know something?
It smells a little like an old
first baseman's mitt I used to have.

You and the boys are gonna go out
and try to sell this stuff?

Uh, I think I'd better
stall the boys until after lunch.

Formulate a new sales campaign,
estimate maximum consumer appeal.

In other words, come up with
an angle to unload this junk.

Well, while you're coming up
with an angle, I'll come up with
some chopped egg sandwiches.

Boys, I think I’m gonna let you
go out on your own.
By ourselves?

Dad how are we gonna
get rid of it by ourselves?

Oh, but I've got something
that will help you out.
It's a little scheme.

You've got a scheme
to make the stuff smell better?

Well, no.

No, it's just this list
I want you to take out with you.

A list, Dad?
Mm—hmm. All good salesmen
have lists of prospective customers.

Where did you get
'spective customers, Dad?

Oh, uh, no place special.
just some names I picked out at random.

Well, you better get going, boys.
Now go out there this afternoon
and knock 'em dead.

Okay, Dad.
So long, Mom.

Yeah, bye.
We're gonna go out there
and knock 'em dead.

Well, you be careful
and don't get your feet wet.

Well, I told you
I'd make that golf date.

Honey, this list you just made
at random,just who's on it?

Oh, uh, it's nothing.
It's, uh, it's just a list.

This is my women's club
membership list.

Yeah.

Well, I may have leaned on it a little.

Ward, how could you stick my friends
with that vile—smelling stuff?

Well, now, June. You don't think
I'd do a thing like that, do you?

Yes.

Well, I just sort of
phoned around. I, uh—

Well, as a matter of fact, I told them
If they didn't want the stuff,
that I'd buy it back.

Oh.

Ward, I think it's so sweet
of you to want to help the boys,

but aren't you going about it
in the wrong way with money?

Why, I don't think so. I, uh—

When I told them I'd buy it back,
I, uh, well, I just thought of that
as a sort of an inducement.

Ward, the word is "bribe."

This is the first one on Dad's list.

I hope they don't have a dog.
[Doorbell Rings]

Uh, good morning, Mrs. Wentworth.
Good morning.

Sure is.

Uh, nice day, isn't it?

Yes, very nice.

Uh, well, you see,
we're Wally and Beaver Cleaver.

Oh, yes.

I'll take one bottle.

Well, sure.

Wally, what happened?

I don't know.

Did we say we were
selling perfume?

I don't know.
It all happened so fast.

Sure did.

Wally, before we go to the movies,
let's try another house.

Yeah, let's.

[Doorbell Rings]

Madam, would you care to buy a—
Oh, thank heavens. I didn't want to
go out until you got here. Here you are.

It happened again.
That one didn't even take the perfume.

That's all right.
We can sell it again.

Wally, we're doing
all right, aren't we?
Yeah.

Then what's the matter?

We couldn't sell
the perfume at all before.

How come we're selling it now?

I think we oughta
find out what's going on.

Wally, I think I got a better idea.

What's that?

Why don't we send for our projector,
and then find out what's going on?

Yeah, that is a better idea.

Ward, I'm worried about the boys.
It's almost 6:00.

Maybe one of
your women's club members
stuck them with a bum check.

Ward, | wish you hadn't have done this.

Maybe you ought to get the car out
and go see if you—
[Doorbell Rings]

Lady, would you care to buy a bottle
of Flower of the Orient perfume,

the treasured love secret
Of ancient Persia?

Flower of the Orient?
Well, I think I could use
at least two bottles.

— Sorry, Mom. All sold out.
— You sold them all?

Hey, that's swell.
Did you hear that, June?

Sold them all.
No trouble at all, huh, boys?

Uh—uh, we even sold
some bottles twice.

Oh,you did?

Well, it just goes to show you
that perseverance does pay off.
[Chuckles]

You better get on upstairs now, boys,
and get washed up for supper.

Okay. Come on,
let's go count our money.

Yeah, let's go.
Hot dog, now we'll get our 'jector.

Well, did you ever see
two happier boys?

That's because they think
they did it themselves.

What happens when they find out
you rigged it for them?

Oh, I don't think
there's anything so terrible
about a father's helping his sons.

But you didn't really help them.
You just made it easy for them.

Dear, all I did was
help them sell some perfume.
I didn't bribe a jury.

Do you remember how you carried on
when Tooey's father talked the coach
into putting him on the baseball team?

You said you wouldn't think
Of doing a thing like that.

I didn't have to.
Wally's a natural—born shortstop.

Eighteen, 19,20,21,22—

We'll send for our 'jector
tonight, huh, Wally?
Yeah.

23, 24, 25.

$25.32.

Wally, we sold two bottles twice.
Shouldn't we have $26?

Yeah, but I think we lost ground
every time we made change.

We better only send them $24.

— We don't want to mix them up.
— Yeah.

Boy, I can't wait until it gets here.

Gee, Dad, it's real keen.

Yeah, it's electric and everything.
Yeah.

I unpacked it for you this morning.
I thought you'd want to use it tonight.

What's this?
That's the reel that came with it.
I think it's a cowboy film.

Gee, Dad, we never would've got it
If it hadn't been for you.

Well, like I said,

salesmanship and perseverance
do pay off, right, dear?

Right, dear.
Well, I've got a little work to do now.

Why don't you boys set this up
in your room?

Your mother and I
will be your first customers.
Okay, Dad.

We'll take it upstairs, Mom.
Well, here,
let me put it back in the box.

You might drop it.
Okay.

Maybe it goes the other way.

Try it sidewise.

Hmm, won't go
that way either.

That's funny.

Hey, maybe it came all apart
and Dad set it up.

Yes, I really think your father
set it up all right.

Huh?

Look, you boys run along upstairs.
I have something I want to take care of.

Okay, Mom.
Okay, Mom.

Well, the boys are gonna have
a lot of fun with that projector, huh?
Might even make some money with it.

What's the matter?

Ward, where is the projector
that came in this box?

The projector?
Well, you saw the projector.

It was out in the kitchen.
That thing with the reels
and the lens on it.

I said, "Where is the projector
that came in this box?”

From the Mason Acme
Products Company

Dear, you're repeating yourself.
That's a bad habit to get into.

I'll go right on repeating myself
until I get a straight answer.

[Clears Throat]
Well, in that case.

— This is what they sent the boys?
— Mm—hmm.

If you turn the crank
and squint just right,
I believe you can see Happy Hooligan.

So you went out and bought them
a brand—new projector?

Well, when I saw this, I, uh—
I remembered when I was a kid,

I sent away for
an authentic flying model...

Of Admiral Byrd's
tri—motored airplane for $2.98.

It turned out to be a cardboard glider.
You launched it with a rubber band.

Did your father step in
and substitute a real model airplane?

Well, no, but looking back,
I'd have given anything if he had.

Oh, honey, I still think
what you did was wrong,

but I think you did it
in the rightest way I've ever seen.

[Chuckles]

Boy, this sure is
a keen 'jector, isn't it, Wally?

Yeah. I bet it's worth around $30.

But we only sent them 24.

— That's what I mean.
— How could they do it?

|don't think they did.

This isn't a Screenmaster,
and it doesn't even look
like the picture.

Wally, we haven't been
"tooken,” have we?

No.

They didn't send us this projector.
But then who?

—You think Dad?
— I'm pretty sure so.

Gee, then we better thank him.
That'd be the polite thing to do.

No. I think this is one of the times
Dad wouldn't want us to be polite.

Where are the boys?
Out in the garage
showing another movie.

Do you know they've made six dollars
this week already on that projector?

What's that?
It's a package. "To Messrs.
Wallace and Theodore Cleaver...

from the Big Bear Novelty Company.”

Oh, Ward, they've sent for something else.
We can't go through that again.

Let's just throw it away
and pretend it never came, huh?

Well, maybe we'd better open it first.

[Chuckles] Okay,
we'll open it first, then throw it away
and pretend it never came.

Ward, I hope we haven't started
something we can't stop.

"To Dad. Thanks for everything.
Wally and the Beaver, your sons."

Oh, Ward.
Oh, Ward, it's lovely.

Yeah.

"Souvenir of Atlantic City.”

Well, where are we gonna put it?

We're gonna put it
right on the mantel.