Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 6, Episode 2 - Welcome to Burbank - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



♪♪

♪♪

- I got it.
- My arm's breaking.

I got it, I got it.

My arm's breaking here.

(Shirley gasping loudly)

Oh! Oh!

- Oh!
- It's so... so Spanish!

- Oh!
- Oh!

Oh! Oh, my... Oh! Oh! Oh!

What is it?! What?! What?!

- An upstairs bedroom!
- No!

Just like in the
Beverly Hillbillies.

Oh! Let me see! Let me see!

(Shirley screams)

Oh! I can't believe
it. I can't believe it.

Oh, and look at this...

A stairway just
like Loretta Young.

I was just thinking that.

Look... look at this.

A sunken living room. Wow.

Oh, look at that.
I can't believe it.

- Oh, wow.
- Oh, my good...

Oh, wrought iron.

Oh, Laverne, the
Spanish love wrought iron.

Oh.

And a sconce.
Get a picture of this.

- Get a picture of it.
- Got it. Got it, got it, got it.

- Oh, a doorway!
- That's a whole couch, though.

How the Spanish
love arched doorways.

- We've got these.
- Oh.

- Ah.
- Wonder of wonders, Laverne.

Our own balcony!

Shirl, we finally made
it out of the cellar.

We're never gonna have
to look out our window

and see people's feet again.

Or dog bellies.

Or dog... bellies.

Look at this sweet little
plant somebody left us.

It's so pretty.

Let me get a picture of you
and the plant and the view.

- Somebody left this here.
- Oh, this is just wonderful.

- Why would they do that?
- Just...

They didn't water
it or anything.

Look at these walls.
They're all bumpy.

Look. You can scratch
your back on 'em.

Stucco!

Well, same to you.

No, no. This is stucco.

The Spanish love
to build with stucco.

- (chuckles)
- Ah. Ah.

Well, why is this
doorway all bricked up?

Because the Spanish
love... Briccos?

Yes.

As a matter of fact, they do.

- Yeah.
- La cosina.

- Huh?
- La cosina.

Let's look at the kitchen!

What is with this
Spanish stuff, Shirl?

We stop at one taco stand, and
boom... you're Carmen Miranda.

Oh, look at this.

- Shirl, look at this!
- What?! Cockroaches?!

Look at that! No, look.

A garbage disposal!

- No! No!
- Yes! Yes!

Oh, we're so young! Oh! Oh!

Get a picture. Get
a picture of it. Got it?

- (whirring)
- Now one with it on.

- (whirring stops)
- Can't believe this.

- Aha! Hey!
- Hi!

- Oh! Oh!
- There they are!

There they are!

- Oh! Oh!
- Dad!

(excited shouting)

Oh, look at you!

You look beautiful!

- How you doing, Pop?
- Oh, look at you! -Hey.

You look so nice.

Oh, Laverne, I'm
so glad to see you.

Get that picture.

Get a picture. Get a
picture of 'em. Okay.

(camera shutter clicks)

Your finger is in everything.

Well, I'm sorry.

Hey, listen.

You're no longer
in Milwaukee now.

This is a strange place.

You don't leave the key in
the door anymore like that!

Oh.

I'm sorry. I did that.
I won't do it again.

Yeah? You like the
place I picked out for you?

- Oh, it's beautiful.
- It's beautiful.

But we haven't even
sat down yet. Come on.

- No? -Come on.
- Come on in.

Yeah, get over there.

Oh, boy, this is gonna
be our first sitting.

Ah.

- Look at this.
- (sighs)

- (Frank mumbles)
- What's in the bag, Pop?

- Oh.
- It's a surprise.

A week ago, Frank
and I went to Tijuana.

We brought you each
a Mexican souvenir.

SHIRLEY (gasps): Oh!

Gracias, Senor y Senora DeFazio.

Thank you.

Oh, my goodness!

(rattling)

Castanets.

What's in the bag, Pa?

Here, here, here, here, here.

- Ooh!
- That's a big bag.

(gasping): Oh! Oh! Oh!

(kissing loudly)

Look at this!

Huh? Oh, boy!

Boy!

Bob Dylan... watch out!

You remember that chord I
taught you last year on my guitar?

Do I?

(strums chord)

(off-key): ♪ The
answer my friend ♪

♪ Is blowing in the wind ♪

♪ The answer is
blowing in the wind. ♪

I told you we should have
bought her that sombrero.

What are you...?

Oh, look, your
father is just kidding.

I'll teach you another chord.

Oh.

Anyway, welcome to Burbank.

- Aw, thanks.
- Yeah.

- Frank, we got to go. Come on.
- Yeah, you...

- Where you going? You just got here.
- Don't go.

- You're gonna like it here in California.
- Don't go!

Ah, we'll come back
later, help you fix up.

Oh.

Right now, we got to
go to the restaurant.

They're putting
in the light fixtures.

- Oh.
- Yeah, too bad.

We were having so
much fun in the dark.

FRANK: Yeah.

She can't keep her hands
off me since I put on shorts.

Oh, that's right.

I'm so embarrassed
when they talk like that.

Oh, stop it.

Stop it. Love after 40
is a wonderful thing.

Yeah, I just hope I
get some before I'm 30.

Yeah. Me, too.

Well, what do you
want to do first?

(sighs)

Water my plant.

Ah, Shirl, do something like...

Well, nobody's watered it.

I mean, they left the
poor thing here. It's...

Look out below!

(loud thud)

Oh, no! What a... (crying)

- That's horrible!
- Oh!

I've never seen
anything... (crying)

Oh.

- Hello.
- Oh.

It's okay, I'm fine.

You sure are.

I hope I didn't scare you girls.

I jump out of windows
to, uh, keep in shape.

I'm a stuntman...
Sonny St. Jacques.

Shirley Feeney.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Laverne DeFazio.

Free tonight.

You're tricky.

Oh, I see the furniture
got here all right.

Yeah, this place
is gonna look nice.

Hi.

Go up to him, say something.

I don't know what
to say to him...

So, so you're a stuntman, huh?

Why, I can't find
a bruise on you.

Maybe I can.

Trust me, no bruises.

But if there's anything else
you can't find around here,

just let me know.

Because I also
manage the building.

Oh.

(whispers): Ask him...

Oh, as the manager, um,

shouldn't this doorway
come with a door?

(both mumbling)

Actually, no.

This used to be one big house.

And the landlord made
it into four little ones.

Oh, the Spanish... The
Spanish love to subdivide.

(chuckles)

You know, the also
love four times the rent.

Oh. (giggles)

Do you always do that?

Do what?

With your flash?

Oh, no, sometimes
I go like this.

Hey, but really, if you
have any problems,

just call.

Oh, call?

Well, do we have to just yell?

Like a gazelle he moves.

(sighs)

Why do you suppose he
came in through the window

and left through the window?

It's obvious: all his
doors are bricked up.

(excited chattering)

Now that you're in
the Feeney family,

I think you need a good
Irish name, like, um...

Patrick.

That's what I'll
call you: Patrick.

Good, and I'll call
the sofa George.

Huh?

Laverne, I'm telling
you, a little more

of the Feeney/DeFazio touch,

and we're going to turn
this place into a palace.

Yep, and I'm gonna
hang the green fuzzy dice

right over here.

A simple palace.

I don't think that those
should actually go...

WOMAN (singsong):
Hi-ho, neighbors!

Oh, I live in the
apartment next door.

Perhaps you recognize me.

Rhonda Lee.

Actress, model, dancer.

Shirley Feeney.

Irish, Protestant, Democrat.

(through teeth): She's got
no bones in her hand, okay?

Laverne DeFazio.

Italian, Catholic, Teamster.

Oh!

(laughs)

Rhonda Lee, huh?

Any relation to Pinky?

No.

But we have the same agent.

- Ooh!
- You lucky dog, you.

Oh, my!

- It's so stuffy in here.
- Wouldn't that be great?

- We opened the door.
- Yeah, but it is warm outside.

Over there... Holy ramadas!

Life stinks.

Are those real?

Laverne.

LAVERNE: What?

Well, even her doctor
would make small talk

before he'd ask a
question like that.

Talking about her eyelashes.

Oh!

Only $1.95 a lid.

Boy, you could comb them.

(shrieks, laughs)

Now that we're
practically roomies,

would you mind hammering softly?

- Ah.
- I'm rehearsing for

- a Dr. Scholl commercial.
- (gasps)

Can I have the cat, please?

Cat.

- She doesn't know.
- Ah.

- Dr. Scholl's commercial, huh?
- Yeah.

You playing Dr. Scholl's?

(laughs)

Oh, heavens, no.

I'm the dancing footpad.

Ooh, fabulous!

What a sweet little plant.

- (chuckles)
- I know.

Oh, it's just a beautiful
wandering Jew.

Wandering what?

Oh, I know my plants,

and this is a lovely
wandering Jew.

Yes, yes.

And that's why I
named him Stanley.

Oh, you lie.

- Oh, you lie.
- What are you talking about?

Stanley, Rhonda.
Rhonda, Stanley.

Ah, some other time.

Oh, that reminds me.

Rhonda is throwing
a little bash tonight.

You know, producers,
directors, the usual.

It is late, but I was
just wondering...

BOTH: Yes?

May I borrow your ice trays?

Sure.

They love a good party.

Oh, gee!

I just knew you girls
would be such a help.

Just like a pair of
dependable old shoes.

Hello.

Get out of here.
Get out of here.

Pretty nice joint.

- Out! Go away! Go away!
- Stop, stop, stop.

Shh! Shh!

Girls! We have, we
have seen Shangri-La

and we know where it
is; they call it "the beach."

You can't miss it.

- It's right next to the Passaic Ocean.
- Yeah.

It's amazing.

They got bikini-dressed
women wherever you look.

- Yeah. Oh, Squig?
- Hmm?

Look, one of them
leaked indoors.

- Ooh!
- Who's that?

- No, no.
- Please leave.

Please, please.

- Don't embarrass us, please.
- Don't embarrass us.

- All right?
- I'm not gonna embarrass you.

All right, okay,
all right, all right.

(clears throat)

Squiggy, Lenny, this
is our neighbor Rhonda.

SQUIGGY and LENNY: Rhonda!

(Laverne and Shirley shouting)

(growling): Rhonda!

- Stop it right now. Stop it.
- Rhonda!

Aw, your dates are here!

Oh, it's so nice to know

there is someone for everyone.

(excited chattering)

Everyone in
Hollywood's so beautiful.

No, she is not what's hot.

- She picked out the clothing.
- She is not that good.

You should have been
at the beach with us.

Oh!

We seen girls that-that make
her look like the ugly dumpling.

LENNY: Yeah, yeah.

And, boy, can those
big-leggy blondes

- put down that ice cream. Oh!
- (sighs)

We must have sold
every last fluid drop.

I should hope to kiss a duck.

- All right, enough.
- Right, all right.

Enough about beautiful women.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Okay, let's talk about you two.

Now, we didn't forget you
while we was at the beach,

so we brought you a
souvenir from the beach.

Yeah.

And Lenny will make
the presentation.

It's a sand castle.

You got to assemble it yourself.

- (Shirley moaning)
- Come on.

You can glue it or
you could just dry it.

Take it easy, take it easy.

Guys, I think it's
time for you to leave.

Oh, who died and
made you the egg timer?

Look, look, I'll give
you Rhonda's address

if you please
leave. You promise?

Take it. Yeah, yeah, take it.

- Oh, it's a deal, sucker.
- (chuckles)

Ooh, I think I
know where this is.

It's about a half hour
from where we are.

Come on.

- (gargling) -♪ Hold
that, hold that, hold that. ♪

(tuning guitar
to gargling pitch)

(sighs)

Boy, Laverne, is this
some California luxury,

having our very own
sink between our beds?

It is a dream
come true, ain't it?

Yep. Well, let's
get some shut-eye.

We got to get up bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed tomorrow,

and go out and look
for our new careers.

♪ Got no job, got no money ♪

♪ Just a house full of sand
and a landlord named Sonny ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪

You know, it's just
amazing what you have done

with just one chord.

Think how exciting it'll
be when you learn two.

Well... Two chords.

Good night.

♪ Got no life ♪

♪ Got nothing to see ♪

♪ But my clock radio
is staring at me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪

(music stops)

Good night, Laverne.

♪ Got no guitar,
got nothing to see ♪

- ♪ Got no life ♪
- Laverne?

♪ Yeah, yeah... ♪

(rumbling)

Laverne, is your bed shaking?

Uh-huh.

These beds come
with Magic Fingers?

No, I don't think so.

Are we near a freeway?

(yawns)

Probably an earthquake.

BOTH: Earthquake!

Help! Earthquake!
Help! Earthquake!

Help, help! Grab your bag!

- Let's go! Come on!
- Stop it. Stop it!

Stop it! Stop it!

It's over.

There's absolutely no
cause for alarm now...

(rumbling)

♪ Oh, swing low,
sweet chariot... ♪

Calm down, Shirl.

Just relax. Just relax!

Shut up!

Maybe there's earthquake
instructions on the radio.

CHOIR (over radio): ♪
Swing low, sweet chariot... ♪

(radio clicks off)

We're gonna die!
We're gonna die!

(both screaming)

(screaming continues)

(castanets rattling)

Slow down! Slow down!

(screaming continues)

(electricity crackling)

(screaming continues)

Laverne!

Get the phone!

Grab it!

Just... grab it!

Help! Help!

Help! No! No!

(screaming continues)

Look at the Beatles.

You're lucky you're in London.

Oh, oh, look, our
beautiful apartment.

Everything's off the
shelves. Even the shelves.

All except one book, the Bible.

I promise I'll go to
confession. I promise.

Look at Stanley!

Stanley! Stanley!

Oh, my Jew! Oh, no!

Look what happened to him!

Are you all right?

Oh, dear, his pot is cracked.

I think, I think he'll live.

I don't know, Laverne.

He's lost an awful lot of dirt.

This brick must
have coldcocked him.

Oh, well, it goes right in here.

Oh, dear.

Jackpot, Shirl, Jackpot!

This leads right into
Rhonda's apartment.

Oh, boy, you should see
what fell out of her drawers.

(gasps) Well, I'll be darned!

The earthquake threw
her mirror up to the ceiling,

and it stuck there.

I'll let you read my copy
of Valley of the Dolls.

(thumping)

It's starting again, Shirl!

It's starting
again! It's starting!

(Shirley shrieks)

Where'd you guys come from?

Milwaukee, same as you.

- No, no, no.
- They know that.

That's the one thing
that they know about.

That little door. That
little door right there.

Where does it lead?

Well, that's-that's kind of

a little surprise
we got for you.

See, that leads to our
new apartment next door.

- Uh-huh.
- (moaning)

- She did that the last time we moved in.
- Yeah.

(moaning continues)

They kid.

- You guys crack me up.
- Oh, no, no, no.

No, it's no joke, Laverne.

House key.

- No, no, no.
- Please, please, please.

Okay, calm down, Shirl.

Maybe you ought to go to
the kitchen and take an aspirin.

Hey, you better take two;
we signed a three-year lease.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, you don't want
to move to California.

- Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
- Oh, yeah!

Not with all that
rumbling and shaking.

(Squiggy and Lenny laugh)

They're laughing.
They're laughing.

Well, girls, I'm afraid you got,

uh, me and Lenny to blame
for the rumbling and shaking.

- Yeah.
- What?

You see, we hooked up with

a couple L.A.
goddesses last night...

Mm-hmm.

Named Inez and Consuela.

(laughs)

Yeah, a couple
of illegal airlines.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, we were so
awesome that the earth moved!

Yeah, the plaster cracked.

My rubber sheet bounced twice.

I think I got to go
take some aspirin.

Yeah, must be a headache.

You idiots, that
was an earthquake.

Our sink fell off the wall.

(scoffs) Sink fell off...

Oh, my goodness, we
don't know our own strength!

Uh, just send us the bill.

Such is the price we must
pay for our male prowess.

(Squiggy and Lenny laugh)

I think we're gonna
do okay in L.A.

Like birds out of water,
Len, like birds out of water.

(gasping)

- It's not bad...
- (castanets rattling)

it's not bad enough,
earthquakes!

But now Lenny and Squiggy?

What next, pestilence, boils?

Well, I ain't waiting
around to see it.

I'm packing my bags
and leaving this town.

Yeah, Milwaukee was a dead end,

but at least we
weren't dead there.

Yeah.

Who needs this place anyway?

Who needs
fresh-squeezed orange juice

and sunshine all year long?

Yeah, I hear it makes
your skin wrinkle, anyway.

Well, look what
it does to raisins.

Yeah.

Who needs a garbage disposal?

We can't take it with us?

You never change, do you?

Oh, but this is a beaut, Shirl.

I mean, it has two speeds.

- Forget it.
- Purrs like a kitten.

(whirring)

- Forget it.
- (whirring stops)

Say good-bye to
the garbage disposal.

Say good-bye to
our upstairs bedroom

with our sink between the beds.

Say good-bye to our
Loretta Young staircase.

Say good-bye to Stanley.

Why Stanley?

He'd never make it through
a winter in Milwaukee.

Laverne, he was abandoned once.

We can't do that to him again.

Well, maybe we ought to
give California another chance.

I mean, we did.

We lived through the worst part.

I mean, things
got to get better.

Hi, girls.

- Yes.
- You see what I mean?

Yes, I do.

Things are getting much better.

Are you girls all right? I
was worried about you.

He was worried.

I hope that earthquake
didn't scare you.

It was the San Andreas fault
saying, uh, "Good morning."

Yeah, well, I'd hate to hear
it say, "Happy New Year."

Hey, look, why don't
you come upstairs

and let me make you breakfast.

My eggs are already
half scrambled.

(laughs)

Just let us clean
up a little bit.

- Yes, we're a mess.
- We're a little messed.

All right, well, take your time.

What do we wear to breakfast?!

Uh, in California, I think
strapless evening gowns!

(strumming guitar)

Laverne, could
you possibly delay

your sound check long
enough to help me clean up?

What's the big rush?

The big rush is we have
to get out and find jobs.

You'll never make a living
as the Burbank caballero.

Well, don't be so hasty, Shirl.

I think I got a Top
40 hit here. Listen.

♪ We came to California ♪

♪ Life was gonna be groovy ♪

♪ But the... earth
started shaking ♪

♪ Shooby-dooby-dooby ♪

Okay, now let's...

♪ The quake wrecked
our apartment ♪

♪ It was worse than a tornado ♪

♪ But Shirl... ♪ That's you.

♪ ...started to clean it ♪

♪ Do the mashed potato. ♪

Huh?

♪♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪