Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 6, Episode 1 - Not Quite New York - full transcript

The girls have worked for Shotz 8 years. Now,they & all others in the bottle cap dept. are cut loose. They've been replaced by a machine. With nothing to lose,the girls decide to join Frank & Edna in Burbank,CA and say goodbye to Miluakee.

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪



♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



I'm calling Laverne and
Shirley in Milwaukee.

Frank, we're in California.

It's two hours
later in Milwaukee.

Ah, the girls will love to
hear from us in California.

Besides, the rates are cheaper.

Hello! Hello!

I'm coming.

I'm coming... I've got it.

Hello, hello, hello!

Oh, Hello, Shirley;
this is Frank.

Frank, you have some nerve

calling me in the middle
of the night, Frank Zuppo.

Shirley, this is Frank DeFazio.

Oh, oh...!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Hi, hi, hi, and how
are things in California

at 2:00 in the morning?

Come on, put Muffin on.

Gee! Oh, yes.

Put Muffin on, put Muffin on...

Well, gee, I'd
love to, I'd love to,

but, uh, she's sound asleep.

Hear that? Hear her snoring?

Out like a light.

Hold on.

Wait just a second.

I think she's-she's coming to.

Nope, sorry, false alarm.

Listen, you know a
good way to wake her?

Sing, ♪ A-tisket, a-tasket,

and all the other
things in the basket... ♪

♪ A-tisket ♪

♪ A-tasket ♪

♪ A green and yellow basket ♪

♪ I wrote a letter to my love. ♪

Oh, Ray.

Shirl, what are you doing?

It's your father.

Hi.

Hi, Dad?

Your father, not your father.

Your father, your father.

Hi, Pop.

What's going on there
at 2:00 in the morning?

What's a guy doing there
at 2:00 in the morning?

There was no guy; it was me.

Uh, I have a bad cough.

This damp weather is killing me.

See you later.

Oh, there, much better, Pop.

My cough just left.

So, how is everything?

Your new restaurant open yet?

It's Edna, honey.

She calls me "honey."

The restaurant is fine.

We open Cowboy
Bill's next month.

Are you sure you can't come
here for the grand opening?

We're-We're gonna have balloons
and giant searchlights and...

Oh, balloons and
searchlights, boy.

Nah, I can't miss work.

But old man Shotz is
calling a big meeting

of bottle cappers only tomorrow.

May mean a promotion
for me and Shirl.

Hey, that's great.

Good luck, Muffin.

- We love you.
- Aw.

And our three minutes is up.

- Bye.
- Uh, bye, Pop.

Bye! Say hi to California.

Oh, boy, balloons,
searchlights...

- Laverne?
- Ray.

- Laverne... - Ray...
- Laverne. - Shirl.

Laverne.

- Shirl.
- Laverne.

- Ray.
- Shirl.

Ray!

Laverne.

Ray.

- Laverne!
- Ray!

- Laverne.
- Shirl.

Laverne.

Lenny, how many
times have I told you,

I want my sandwich
without crust crusted, please.

All right, all right, yeah.

Give me my morning coffee.

Thank you.

Good, now I'm up.

I think I got our
vacation planned to a P.

Let me run this by
you one time, okay?

- Please do, please do.
- First we drive

down to Scarlet's Pond,

and we get ourselves
a nice, fat frog.

- Mm-hmm.
- Next, we drive him across the state line,

narrowly avoiding the Mann Act,

then we let the frog loose, see,

and we see how long it
takes it to find its way home.

Jerk, we did that last year.

I know.

Although new frontiers
are few and far between.

Yeah, yeah,
yeah, face it, Len...

we are in a rut.

- It's true. It's true.
- Mm-hmm.

The adventure's gone
right out of our lives.

Wait a minute, instead of us...

instead of us just
sitting here, rut-like,

why don't we try to solve
our vacation problems

through the simple
use of visual aids.

- Ooh. Not a bad idea.
- It's the science of the future.

- Yeah, let me take a look.
- Let's see.

"Adventures in America-land.

"Packet number six.

The Great Plain States."

Mm-hmm, that sounds great.

- Sure does.
- All right.

Ah, plain.

Nah. Boring.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Tourist trap.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that-that's sacred land.

They'll never let you on there.

Why'd they even put it in here?

Listen, listen, I
got a better idea.

Let's look at packet number 18.

18, I don't know that one.

"Snow White and the
Seven Escaped Convicts."

Guys, guys...

- Shush, shush.
- What are you doing here?

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

We are... we are making
our vacation plans, please.

Well, you better plan your
vacation plan somewhere else.

This is a meeting for
bottle cappers only.

Oh, my goodness.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Aren't you just the queen
of ill-reputed manners.

Boys, boys, what
are you doing here?

This meeting is for
bottle cappers only.

Yeah, yeah.

- I know what it's about, too.
- Really? What?

Yeah, they found some
loose hairs in the beer.

All the bottle cappers
got to shave their heads.

The fact that you are
able to dress yourself

in the morning
totally amazes me.

In the morning?

There's a cocker spaniel.

Well, you're half-right.
This is ridiculous.

I cannot listen to you

with all this meaningless
female babble going on.

I'm sorry. And don't
try to control me.

I love you but I cannot do this.

- Squiggy...!
- Come on, come on, Squiggy.

Why don't you grow up?

Why don't I grow up?

Sure, I'll grow up.

And the day I do, I
hope to find some person

in this one-horse world
who's got some respect

for the sensitivity of others.

Good day.

Len, why do you hang
out with a guy like that

who treats you that way?

Oh, you just don't
know him, Laverne.

He's too good for me.

Just wipe them from your mind.

Hey, everybody, are we crazy

or are we in for a big
promotion, the two of us.

Seniority, huh?

They don't care.

- There you go...
- They're jealous.

Attention, all bottle cappers.

I have gathered you all
here today, to announce

that I have purchased
the new XJ762...

He bought a car?

The machine that makes
bottle capping extremely easy.

Oh, let's hear it for Mr. Shotz.

What a guy.

- What a guy.
- Let's hear it for him.

So easy that you're all fired.

You will all receive
two weeks’ pay.

Good-bye, good
luck, and get out.

Well, don't feel bad.

You'll get other jobs.

You're young.

You're very young.

You're younger than us.

Hey, Shirl... two
weeks’ vacation, huh?

What are you talking about?

We've been fired!

Yeah, but not for two weeks.

Where do you want to go?

Feeney, DeFazio...

Yes, sir? Yes, Mr. Shotz, sir?

May I straighten you
a little bit there, sir?

- Aw, Shirl...
- Thank you.

Because you are, in fact,

the oldest living bottle
cappers here at Shotz,

we've decided to
create a new job for you,

with only a small cut in pay.

Uh, sir, what pays less
than bottle capping?

Delivery truck washing.

Truck washing?

Oh, that ain't no job.

- Laverne, shh, shh, shh, shh...
- It's an insult.

Wait a second.

We're not taking that.

Ooh, how do I tell Ray
that I'm a truck washer?

How did you tell Ray
you were a bottle capper?

I didn't.

I told him I was a
beverage control engineer.

I do keep the beer
inside the bottle,

now, don't I, with a little hat?

Oh, your nose is gonna
just grow about like that.

- Oh, come on.
- It really is.

Oh, forget about that.

Laverne, what are we gonna
do if we don't take this job?

- How will we survive?
- We'll come up with something else.

- How will we pay our bills?
- We'll find another job.

- Oh, come on, Shirl.
- Laverne, think about...

You're the one who
is always telling me

that this place is a dead end.

Yes, but that's what we...

Yes, but we are twent...

We are 27 years old.

Put us together, we're 54.

Fifty-four?

That's past childbearing age.

Okay, so I ain't gonna
wash trucks for a living.

Oh, Laverne, no, no, no...
Think about it for a minute.

- At least two weeks, three weeks.
- Now, come on.

We can give it a try, he'll
promote us. You never...

- I mean, you want to wash trucks?
- Laverne,

- think about it.
- I don't want to wash trucks.

- We don't have any money.
- Do you want to wash trucks?

- Are you with me or not?
- Tell him whatever you want.

- Mr. Shotz?
- Well, what have you decided?

We think your
truck-washing job stinks.

You're fired.

Oh, no, we're not.

Because we quit.

Don't you dare.

Good-bye, Shotz Brewery.

So long, Shotz.

- Nine, carry the two...
- How are we doing?

Well, we got enough
money to last about six days.

Nine, if we don't eat.

Shirl, you know how cranky I get

when I don't eat.

All right, okay, then.

You can have all my food.

You can live ten days
and I'll die tomorrow.

You want that?

I asked you a question.

Forget it.

We'll come up with
something, Shirl.

I don't know.

We should have
moved to California

- with your father and Edna.
- Eh.

Oh, those lucky dogs, basking
on those California beaches.

Yeah, think about it, Shirl.

Christmas shopping at
Fredrick's of Hollywood.

They gots those
tiny little dunce caps

with little tassels on them.

That's it! That's
it, right there.

- Right there!
- What is it?

- What is it? Get it off of me.
- Right there.

Please, Shirl,
please, get it off.

I can see it. I can see it.

So kill it! Kill it!

No, no, no, you
and me in California.

Can't you see it, Laverne?

Let your mind run amok.

That's where we're gonna
seek our fame and fortune.

Come on, Laverne,
use your imagination.

Can't you see it?
Can't you see it?

I can see it. I can see it.

Sunshine, movie stars... sand.

Sand.

Whoa, what a wave, what a wave!

Hey, there, surfer girl.

Is that you, Shirl?

I thought it was
Annette Funicello.

Hold it!

I've done it again.

I found two future stars.

Who are you?

Step into my Big Hollywood
Producer office right away.

Now, now, now, to pick
you some new names.

Something for the marquee.

Just pick one out...
They're all winners.

Let go, I had that.

- Your squirmy... you got it?
- I got it... fingers!

Two.

"Betsy Bright."

"Lola Lust."

Now, now... Try these on.

- Oh, my goodness!
- Wow.

Real hair, Laverne.

Oh, you're far too
generous, far too generous.

Oh, look at you, look at you.

Look at you... you look
just like Rita Hayworth.

You look just like Lana Turner.

- Lan-na. Lan-na.
- Lah-na Turner.

It's Lan-na. Everybody
knows it's Lan-na.

Beautiful, just beautiful.

Now... Try these on.

Oh, boy, Shirl, hold
my hair, hold my hair.

Don't you dare! Don't you dare!

What?

Excuse me, Big,

but I don't like the small
print in this contract.

First of all, it's in Chinese.

Shirl, forget the small print.

There's some pretty
good evil things in here.

Laverne, I haven't
been a good girl

- all these years for nothing.
- Well, maybe...

And you thought I couldn't
read Chinese... hah!

You're finished!

You'll never work
in this town again.

It's been three weeks,
Laverne, and still no jobs.

We can't go on
just eating crabs.

I'm starting to walk sideways.

What are we gonna do?

Maybe this was a mistake.

No, no, no, no, no.

Something will come along.

I'm Dr. Casey Ben, the
world renowned fish doctor.

I think I'm hooked on you.

Holy cow.

Is everything all right here?

It is now.

Say, you're swell.

You're neat.

We're here to make
your dreams come true.

♪♪

Lassie.

Lassie, come home.

Don't worry... don't worry.

Boys, stop it, stop it!

Hello, Mrs. Tan Lifeguard.

Hello, Mrs. Fish Doctor.

Boys, stop it, stop it.

Stop kicking sand,
I'll break your legs.

Stop hitting him,
stop hitting him.

Stop hitting him...
Did you hear me?

Laverne, I thought
you were going to stop

after three little lifeguards.

Mind your own
business, Shirl, huh?

Wipe your noses. Wipe 'em.

Laverne, we have made
all our dreams come true.

For me and you.

In California.

- Oh...
- Oh, Dr. Fish... Oh...

- Well...?
- Huh?

What do you say?

I say we go.

Okay! All right!

- What do I got to get... oh!
- What?

You know who's gonna drive
us to California on their vacation?

Who?

Aw, Squig, I don't
want to drive to Canada.

It's all uphill.

A stroke of genius on my part?

- Lenny and Squiggy?
- Yeah.

Do you honestly
believe that it's safe

traveling cross-country
with them?

Safer than kissing
them good-bye.

- Huh? California?
- Okay.

Let's go... we're
going to California.

Hey, Lenny, Squiggy!

Hey, Laverne, when
you pack marshmallows,

aren't you supposed to
wrap them individually?

Maybe this'll change your mind

about moving to California.

Okay, there, uh... Shirley...?

Come on, come...

I'll just take these guys out.

Ah, that's okay,
Carmine, don't move.

I got it, I got it.

What it weigh, maybe
three, 400 pounds?

Okay.

I'll just come back and
carry you and Shirl to the car.

Oh, Carmine, that was fantastic.

I know.

Did I change your mind?

- No.
- No?

N-No?!

- No?
- Mm-mm.

Well, uh, I guess I'm just
gonna have to save up my money

and move to California,
so I can be with you.

Oh, Carmine.

Oh, my little angel face.

Well, that's
just... about... it...

Thanks.

Hey, Laverne,
relax, will you, huh?

Let a man take
care of that, will you?

Carmine, wait a second.

Don't forget your chairs.

Oh, wow, I paid 75
cents for these babies.

Ah... boy, oh, boy.

I can't believe that we only
got $18 for all our furniture.

Well, Laverne...

Laverne, memories go
cheap on an open market.

Look at this place, Shirl.

Looks just like it did when
we first moved in here...

A big, ugly cellar.

Yes, but we turned it into
a showplace, didn't we?

We had some wild times
here, didn't we, Shirl?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Gee, it seems sad, you know?

We lived here all this time.

Now we're leaving.

Nobody's even gonna
know we ever lived here.

Yeah, well, you never know.

Lenny! Lenny!

What the heck kind of
car did Lenny and Squiggy

say they got... a new one?

Good-bye, I'm gonna miss you.

Hello, my name's Laverne.

I'm moving to California.

It's warm out there.

Hey, Ice Cream Man, over here!

Come here!

Mm! Ice cream!

Come on, I'll get
you a farewell treat.

Come on... Oh!

What are you gonna have?

Do you realize this
is the last ice cream

we'll ever have in Milwaukee?

- What is wrong with you, anyway?
- It's sad, Shirl.

We're leaving.

- Get outta here!
- What's the matter?

All aboard for California
and points west.

Explain yourselves.

Just... explain yourselves.

No, explain this thing.

This "thing"?!

This thing, as you put it,

happens to have once been
a real live ice cream truck,

- before it died.
- Yeah.

Now it's just our
piece of equipment.

Mm-hmm. I wanted a
garbage truck, you know,

but, uh, they only
sell the empty ones.

You're telling me that thing
ain't filled with garbage?

That's our luggage, Laverne.

Now just shut up and
hop in, would you?

I'm not gonna go in there
with a box filled with chickens.

Okay, Len, let's load up.

It's too cramped.

It'll be all right, Shirl,
we'll squeeze together.

♪ A million bottles
of beer on the wall ♪

♪ A million bottles of beer ♪

Good-bye, Carmine, good-bye!

- Good-bye, Milwaukee!
- Hello, California!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪