Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 5, Episode 14 - Not Quite South of the Border - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

The girls are late.

I know.

Hey, Edna.

What?

Give me a kiss.

Frank, the girls will
be back any minute.

Come on, give me a kiss.

No.

Now, do something else.

What was that?

Something else.

Now, give me a kiss.

No!

Would you look at them?

So embarrassing.

I don't know. I
think it's great.

Love over 40 is beautiful.

Yeah, well, at least

he's not hitting women
with pillows anymore.

- You finished?
- You're late.

We're supposed
to be taking you to...

uh, down to the airport,
and what do you want to do?

Spend your vacation waving
good-bye to an airplane?

- No, Pop. We're almost ready.
- No!

We had a little
time, and we decided

to stop by Pfister's
Five and Dime

to purchase ourselves
matching bikinis!

Hey, Frank, can I
get one of those?

Sure.

But you can't leave the bathtub.

Oh, I can't believe it.

- I just can't believe it.
- I'm so excited.

In five hours, five hours,

we are going to be
at Raoul's by the Bay.

Located, if you please,
in beautiful near Mexico.

- Near Mexico.
- Near Mexico.

Oh... I think you're
making a mistake.

You should go visit

your grandmother in
Brooklyn, near Jersey.

Pop, Pop, but Raoul's got

"a spacious, airy room
with panoramic view."

Oh...

"Refreshing indoor pool
and a swinging nightlife."

"All in a beautiful
tropical setting."

- Oh.
- Eh...

Your grandmother's
got a fire escape.

- Frank, come on.
- Okay.

- Let's bring the car around.
- Okay.

Oh, uh, just honk,
and we'll be out, okay?

- We'll be ready.
- Frank?

- What?
- How come you never take me anyplace?

What are you talking about?

I'm taking you down to the
car, I'm taking you to the airport,

then I'm taking you
home, three places.

I stand corrected.

Uh, uh, look, let's
hurry up, Shirl,

'cause the sooner we pack,
the sooner we get to near Mexico.

- Near Mexico.
- Near Mexico.

Oh, Laverne, it's
a dream come true,

I can't believe it.

For less than $300,

you and I are flying
to a tropical paradise.

Totally isolated,
nowhere near humanity.

Hello.

(Lenny and Squiggy muttering)

- What are you doing?
- Wait.

What are you doing?
What are you...

(all clamoring)

LENNY: Ooh!

Unhand me, woman!

There are countries
in this universe

where you could be forced to
bear my child for such behavior.

Don't make me sick.

Just what do you
think you're doing, huh?

Before we were so
rudely interrupted,

we were trying to climb
into these suitcases.

- What for?
- We was going to be stowaways.

Travel a Mexican plane.

- Aw.
- Don't you dare!

Would you stop?!

(all clamoring)

Squig?

What is this?

It's secret woman stuff.

They use this to
hold up their shoes.

Is that where they put them?

You know, I've often wondered.

Guys, look, we're in a rush.

Could you help us carry
this stuff out to the car?

- Yes, please.
- Please.

Yeah, sure, sure, what
are friends used for?

Don't worry about anything.

Oh, oh, oh.

Grab everything, or
we'll never get there...

(tires screech)

(sighing)

(gasping and squealing)

(gasping continues)

Well, I have seen my
share of swell, Shirl,

but this just takes
my breath away.

I can't believe it,
I can't believe that

we're here all the
way to near Mexico.

Oh, look Shirl, a near Mexican.

- Get out your book.
- You know something?

- I'll bet that's Raoul.
- Let's go.

Say "cheese-o."

- (shutter clicks)
- (Shirley laughs)

Ah, buenos dias, señor.

Me Ilamo es Shirlita Feeney.

Her llama es Laverne DeFazio.

That's me-o.

Turistos americanos.

No kidding.

Come on.

Tell me the truth.

You're not Spanish, huh?

- Nah.
- I knew it.

I knew it. Something told
me, something told me.

No, I'm the hotel owner.

My name is Fred Frick.

- Oh.
- Oh.

What happened to Raoul?

Dead.

- Aww.
- Aww.

Yes, I, uh, took over
after he, uh, checked out.

(chuckles)

So I decided to
keep the same name.

Yeah, well, I guess
Frick's By The Bay

wouldn't exactly
pack them in, would it?

(fly buzzing)

(gasps)

Bulls-eye!

Now if you'll, uh,

follow me, I will take
you to your cottage.

- Oh, we got a cottage, Shirl!
- A cottage!

- We got a cottage!
- Oh!

(joyful shouting)

(fly buzzing)

SHIRLEY: Ooh, Laverne!

Our cottage is
right near the hotel.

- Okay.
- Oh, uh,
gracias you, Mr. Frick.

(giggles)

- Oh, Laverne!
- Oh, oh...

I'm going to sit right there,
and write Carmine a letter.

That's beautiful.

Oh, look how spacious.

- It's beautiful.
- Do you believe it?

It's beautiful.

- There's a chair for you to sit in.
- It...

I'm gonna sit down
right there, and I'm gonna

write Carmine a
little letter, first thing.

It's beautiful.

Do you believe how
spacious this place is?

- It's beautiful.
- Oh, Laverne.

- It's beautiful.
- There's a chair for you, too.

It's got no wall.

Now, now... Don't be negative.

It's got no wall.

Come on, Laverne,
it's our vacation.

Don't ruin it.

It's got no wall!

Laverne, think of it this way.

Think of it this way.

- We're in a foreign country.
- Yeah?

They have different
customs here.

Shirl, pay attention.

- One wall.
- Yeah.

Two wall, three wall, bush!

- It's got no wall!
- Will you...?

Buenos dias, señoritas.

¡Hola, hola!

Oh, you see there?

There, the man is
going to fix it in no time.

Uh, excuse me, yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo.

Uh, when are you
going to fix this thing?

Uh, what time is it now?

Oh, 12:30.

12:30? It's lunchtime! Whew!

It's lunchtime!

Well, he'll come
back after lunch.

- Lunchtime!
- He'll come back after lunch.

- Come on.
- He's not gonna come back after lunchtime.

- Laverne, would you...
- Hi, girls.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Mr. Frick told me we're
going to be roomies.

- Huh?
- What?

My name is Dotty.

- Hello, Dotty.
- Roomies?

Well, the more the merrier.

I always say.

I'm sure that we'll all become
fast and furious friends.

Come on, what do
you say, Laverne?

It's got no wall.

Is there a bathroom?

Yeah, I think
that's it right there.

I'll see you tomorrow.

- Did you see that...?
- Roomies?

- Well, wait a minute.
- What is roomies?

- Well, what's wrong with this woman?
- There's two of us.

- We're roomies.
- First things first, okay, Laverne?

- Dotty?
- Huh?

- Dotty, are you all right?
- Not really.

There's something
wrong with my stomach.

I think I've got
Raoul's Revenge.

Oh, that's great.

That's just great.

I mean, and look at the bed.

- It's got no legs.
- Oh, please.

I'd bang my head against
the wall, but we've got no wall!

- (goat bleats)
- We've got another roomie.

- Oh!
- Another roomie.

Oh, no, he's a
cute little visitor

- (goat bleats)
- from the woods or the jungle.

- Come here. Hello!
- He's eating the room, Shirl.

Oh, oh, he's so cute.

Laverne, what are you doing?

He was eating the room.

- I don't care!
- We're missing a wall!

Me Ilamo, me Ilamo
es Shirlita Feeney.

- He don't care what our Ilamos are...
- Her Ilamo...

- Oh, Laverne, please, he's so cute.
- Come on, come on goatie.

- Come on, goatie, lunchtime, lunchtime.
- So cute!

- Please, please, oh, Laverne...
- Lunchtime.

- Go on!
- How can you do that?

Come on, goatie. Come on...

Laverne, don't do that!

I am ashamed of you!

I mean, we are a
guest in his country.

Well, he can come and
go whenever he wants.

We've got no wall!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, all right!

I want you to just loosen up.

Come on, I want
you to just relax.

You're just nervous, that's all.

Come on, come on, loosen up.

That's it. (inhaling)

Take a deep
breath, that's right.

- Okay, I'm relaxed. I'm
relaxed - Okay, all right?

- (Shirley sighs)
- Okay, okay.

Let's just unpack.

All right.

Do you know where
the luggage is?

- Uh...
- DOTTY: I know where our luggage is.

- Where?
- Where?

DOTTY: Peoria.

- Peoria?
- Peoria?

DOTTY: They sent
it there by mistake.

We got no luggage.

Laverne, please.

Don't be a Gloomy
Gus, all right?

We got no luggage.

We over-packed, anyway!

We got no luggage.

Laverne, may I remind
you it's our vacation.

Don't ruin it.

We'll get through this.

Just give this place a chance.

Shirl, we got no wall.

We got no luggage.

As long as she's in
there, we got no bathroom.

What do we got, okay?

We got company.

Ooh!

Give me that!

He got my candy!

He's got my candy, Shirl!

SHIRLEY: Laverne, will you
just relax and enjoy the luxury

of an indoor pool?

Hello, Dotty.

Hi, Laverne.

Hi.

Hello.

You know, uh...

I'm the only single guy here.

That's nice.

You look great wet.

Shirl... Shirl...

Say, I've got an
idea, everybody.

Why don't we do a few laps,
just to firm up the old thighs?

What do you say?
Come on, follow me.

This way. Come
on... kick... kick...

Kick... come on, a little
faster, pick up that speed.

That's it, kick.

Kick... Dotty.

I must get to a
bathroom immediately!

Let her out of
here, let her out!

Get her out of here!

Let her out of the pool!

Wait! Wait!

I didn't get your
telephone number!

No rough-housing.

- Sorry.
- Come on... come on...

We got to talk to Frick.

It's about time we
did a little complaining.

All right, I agree with
you, but... be nice.

If you're nice,
you get nice back.

- I'm always nice.
- Not always.

I'm always nice.

Sometimes you get a
little rough with people.

- Hey, Frick.
- (Shirley mutters)

Be nice.

I'm going to be nice about this.

Uh, Shirl and I
have a little problem.

- It's about our room.
- Yes?

Well, part of it's missing.

That is a problem.

You see? You see?

Your problem.

Wait, this place is a gyp!

Now now, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What did my ad say?

It said "a vacation
to fit any budget."

That's right.

That room fits your budget.

Well, now, come on, come on.

We tried. We tried.

Come on, forget about it,
just wipe it from your mind.

Hey, let's go back to
having some fun, okay?

- Come on.
- How can we go back to having fun,

when we haven't
started having fun?

Laverne, look!

We saved all year
for this vacation

and we are going to have fun!

Do you hear me? Fun!

Ohh... look!

We get the pool
all to ourselves.

Well, it has cooled
down a little, hasn't it?

Yeah, it must be at least 90.

Pillow cases,
Shirl, pillow cases?

I feel like a
January white sale.

Come on Laverne, come on,

it's not every woman who
can pull off an outfit like this.

Yeah, when you're
right, you're right, Shirl.

Well, let's go to bed.

We got no bed.

Come on, Laverne,
there's plenty of room

for all three of us in
there, let's just climb in.

No.

- Come on, come on.
- Okay, okay.

Just remember to take
the Kleenex boxes off.

My slippers. Slippers.

As long as we're on vacation
having fun, these are slippers.

Okay, if you got
to blow your nose

in the middle of your
night, use your slippers.

(Dotty snoring)

(snoring continues)

Shirl, Shirl... it's
not working, Shirl.

All right, okay, okay.

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

- Let's put our heads at the other end.
- Uh...

Let's put our heads at the
other end and our feet at this end.

Sorry, Dotty... come on.

(snoring continues)

See there? This
is nice, isn't it?

Oh... Oh... oh...
Comfy cozy, oh...

Good night, Laverne.

Good night, Shirl.

(grunts)

Oh, Carmine... (yawning sigh)

SHIRLEY: Oh, Carmine... Ohh...

Oh, you know I love it

when you run your
fingers through my hair.

(sighing)

(screams)

DOTTY: Oh, dear!

Dotty?

I can't talk now!

Laverne! Wake up,
come on, wake up!

Wake up, come
on, the bed's empty.

Dotty's in the bathroom,
come on, quick, quick...

- I don't want to get up...
- Look, look, look!

The bed... the bed...

(sighing)

Just give me...
(Laverne mutters)

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Give me some...

(both sighing)

(wind whistling)

Oh, there's a nice
tropical breeze blowing.

I think the goat's
in the next cottage.

(wind howling)

The wind's starting to
pick up a little there, Shirl.

I mean, look at those trees,

they're really
blowing out there.

Just pull the blanket
up over your head.

(wind howling)

Get the pillows!

(wind roaring)

(screams)

LAVERNE: My cards!

My postcards! My cards!

Get out! Get out!

It's locked! We're locked in.

Where's the key?

They're over there!

Grab the keys and get out!

All right!

Dotty... Dotty!

- The keys, the keys!
- Dotty, we got to get...

(screaming)

Stop it!

(screaming)

(Laverne and Shirley shouting)

Hold on! Hold on!

(wind roars)

- Oh... oh...!
- Hold him!

(Shirley screams)

(dull thud)

(muffled): Shirl...
Shirl... Shirl!

Oh!

(screaming)

(screams)

SHIRLEY: It could be
worse. It could be raining.

- What?!
- I said it could be raining!

- What?
- It could rain!

What are you talking about?

(both shriek)

(thunder rumbles)

Shirl?

You can't ignore it anymore.

We got no wall!

HOTEL GUESTS (chanting):
We want Frick! We want Frick!

We want Frick! We want Frick!

- Ah...
- We want Frick!

This had better be important.

I was planning my vacation.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, well, we want to
get out of this here dump.

- LOU: Right.
- And we all want our money back.

- Right?
- ALL: Right!

Listen, I want a Rolls Royce.

But you don't hear me
whining about it, do you?

I'm willing to wait
a few months.

Ooh, we demand a refund.

- Right.
- ALL: Right!

I am not going
to give it to you.

In this world, you
get what you pay for.

Now you didn't pay much,
so you didn't get much.

- Yeah, but we...
- FRICK: Well, now, the lesson here is

to avoid poverty at all costs.

For your comfort, dry
blankets are available

in the gift shop...
for a small rental fee.

- Oh!
- Yeah?

Well that's good,
'cause you're going to

need one of them blankets.

Uh, don't you all think
that Mr. Frick here

deserves a nice
little moonlight swim?

- OTHERS: Yeah!
- LAVERNE: Get him!

- FRICK: Okay, oh...
- The lesson to be learned here

is to avoid cheating
people at all costs.

- To the bay!
- To the bay! To the bay!

- To the bay!
- Wait, wait, wait wait wait, wait, wait.

Ha, ha, ha! There
are sharks in that bay.

Yeah? Well, one good
shark deserves another.

ALL: To the bay! To the bay!

- To the bay!
- Wait, wait, wait!

Uh, here's a thought.

What if I give you all
a partial refund, huh?

- ALL: To the bay! To the bay!
- All right! All right!

- ALL: To the bay!
- All right, you win.

I'll refund all your money.

ALL: To the safe! To the safe!

To the safe!

SHIRLEY: At least we got
our vacation money back,

so we'll have twice
as much fun next year.

- Yeah...
- Oh, listen girls,

the airline sent
your luggage back.

It came while you were out.

- Oh!
- I let the guy in; I hope you don't mind.

Oh Laverne, oh look, this is...

Oh... look where our
luggage has been.

Peoria, London, Spain, Tahiti.

Our luggage had a
better vacation than us.

Wait a minute, this
trunk doesn't belong to us.

- Yeah, that's not ours...
- It's got your names on it.

- It's not ours, though.
- No, it's not ours.

- Yeah.
- Uh-uh. No... What a vacation!

I have the pictures
of Peoria here.

Oh, yeah. It was...

You know, that
was the first stop...

You know, and that's right, the
Mexicans have different shade.

You know, you know
that the Portuguese...

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪