Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 5, Episode 13 - Testing, Testing - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



MAN (over P.A.): Will first aid

please report to the
bottle-capping line?

Oh, my goodness,
oh, my goodness!

Right over there, Herby.

Right there, just
there, right there.

My legs are fine, my
legs are fine, guys.

Gently, gently, gently... there.

Gently! Thanks.

- Thanks, Herb, thanks, Frank.
- Thanks a lot, guys.

- Oh!
- Boy, never get hurt here.

They hate the infirm.

It's all my fault.

I feel totally responsible.

I should have
never left you alone.

Never, never.

Shirl, Shirl, Shirl!

You went to the ladies' room.

You're allowed. You're allowed.

It's in the contract.

I'll never go again. I swear.

You're going to have a
tough year ahead of you.

- Turn the lock, will you?
- What happened?!

Well, I was standing
on the assembly line

watching the bottles go
by, then, uh, all of a sudden,

I saw that a whole bunch
were going by without that

little round glass
thing on the top of it?

- Spit lip?
- Yeah.

And, uh, uh, then, uh,
they had jagged glass

right where you were
supposed to put your mouth.

(gasps) You got
a batch of cutters?!

Yeah.

And, uh, so... they were
going straight to shipping,

so I had to do something,
so I jumped up on top

of that long moving
black thing, you know?

- The iron snake.
- Yeah.

And I started grabbing
the broken bottles

and throwing them into
that big green trash...

- The broken bottle bundle.
- Would you stop that?!

Well, I'm sorry, but you should
learn your industry jargon.

Well, anyway, while I
was grabbing the bottles,

- I cut my hands up.
- Oh...

I guess I was
sort of responsible.

Responsible? You certainly were.

You were responsible
for helping the company.

That's what you were.
You're a hero, Laverne.

I'd be proud to shake your hand.

- Ow! Ow!
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Ow!

- Ow!
- Ow!

(Laverne and Shirley groaning)

(groaning)

Oh, well, well, well,
I guess you girls

- have heard the news, huh?
- What news?

We'll tell you what we know
if you tell us why Laverne

is wearing mittens.

These are not mittens.

- They're bandages.
- Oh.

There were some
jagged bottles going over...

- Oh, a batch of cutters.
- Oh, a batch of cutters.

Everybody's an expert.

You see?

What's the news?

Oh, oh. And now the news.

(imitates teletype machine)

Dateline, Shotz Brewery...
Tomorrow morning all Shotz

personnel will begin
a series of mandatory

psychological examinations.

They're gonna give
us psychological tests?

Conducting the interviews
will be a Dr. Matthew Gentry,

M.D., Ph.D., S.I.N.,
C.E.R., E.L.Y...

That's "sincerely."

"Sincerely, Max Shotz."

Well, at least he's sincere.

Hit it.

(imitates teletype machine)

And that's the news.

- Good night, Squigg.
- Good night, Len.

And good night,
Mr. and Mrs. America

and all the shrimps at sea.

Boy, that stinks,
that's terrible.

That's the news,
babe. We don't write it.

What's terrible? What's
so terrible about that?

What's so terrible?

I don't want no
stranger knowing what

I'm feeling or thinking.

Oh, nobody's gonna be
poking around in my brain,

- thank you very much.
- Please...

Well, he may try and look
for something in your brain,

but I assure you he
won't find anything in mine.

CARMINE: Laverne,
calm down, will you?

Why are you so worried about
taking a psychological test?

Well, personally, I'm looking
forward to those tests tomorrow.

Possibly because my mind
is not filled with sex thoughts.

I can vouch for that.

I know you can.

My mind is not filled
with sex thoughts.

Well, not all the time.

And anyway, whatever it's
filled with is my own business,

not Shotz Brewery.

Isaac Mulligan took
one of those tests,

he was fired the next day.

Boy.

Boy, it's always
the little guy, isn't it?

The working stiff.

The ordinary Joe.

I say we go over and
visit Isaac and sing him

a chorus of "High Hopes."

Did you hear
what-what Carmine said?

- Weren't you listening?
- I was sitting right here, yeah.

The reason Isaac Mulligan
got fired is 'cause of what

they found out on them
psychological tests.

The same thing
could happen to us.

Oh, stop it! It's not
going to happen to us.

Everybody at the brewery
is taking that test tomorrow,

and there's nothing to
worry about, I'm telling you.

- Aww...
- We're both good bottle cappers,

and we're both
good human beings.

Shirl, I'm getting worried.

Oh, it's gonna be fine.

There's a nice written test.

Then the doctor's gonna talk
to each one of us, personally.

SHIRLEY: Well, frankly, I
think that I did rather well

- on the written test.
- (Squiggy mutters)

- I have a great deal of confidence.
- (mutters)

Of course, I have a
flair for multiple choice.

(Squiggy mumbles)

I always choose
"none of the above."

That's a good...
You're safe, you're safe.

(footsteps)

I don't want to be
the first one in there.

Move over, move over.

Well, let me move
over first, then!

- Move over, Squiggy!
- I don't know why we're sitting around...

I think I probably did
okay on the written part.

Good.

- Yeah, I just copied Squiggy's paper.
- Oh.

- That ought to really help you out, Len.
- Yeah...

Say, what I didn't
understand though...

is why did they make
us draw a house?

Oh, I copied your house, too.

I think it's because a house
represents one's personality.

(muffled whine)

Well, I pulled a trick on them.

I drew a slum.

Uh-oh... What is up
your nose, anyway?

- They said draw a house, right?
- Yeah.

Well, look at me! I can't draw!

I had to draw with a
pencil in my mouth.

It didn't even
look like a house.

It looked like a cow.

Now...

Wait a minute, Laverne, why
would you want to live in a cow?

- That's crazy.
- Yeah.

Oh, now really, that's
screwy, Laverne.

I mean, people don't
live in cows anymore.

Now, there was an old
woman who lived in a shoe.

Would you...?

What you should have
done is drawn a shoe.

- Sure...
- Will you stop it!?

(all clamoring)

Calm down, calm
down! All of you!

- The psychiatrist.
- (sighing)

- Listen.
- Yeah?

This psychiatrist is a very
kind gentleman who is only

trying to help out
his fellow man.

All right, who's next?

- Take a woman, take a woman!
- He is, he is!

(all clamoring)

Andrew Squiggman.

Get 'em, boy.

Go get 'em.

- But be cool, huh?
- (clucks tongue)

Just have a seat
right over there.

You're, uh, Andrew Squiggman?

That's my name, don't
wear it out. (laughs)

Hiya.

See here you're a truck driver.

Who told you this?

Where'd you hear
this? (stammers)

Did you find out from them?

Boy, my fellow
workers, thanks a lot!

What a pack of squealers.

Are you paranoid?

I'm German.

Tell me, Andrew, how do you
feel about being a truck driver?

Well, it's, uh... it's better
than what I done before.

What was that?

I was a child.

What kind of child were you?

White.

I can see that.

No, what I was
more interested in is...

was how you'd characterize
yourself as a boy.

Oh... I-I g...

I guess you'd have
to say I was, your...

your regular run-of-the-mill
racket muffin, you know?

I mean, uh, it was fun,
it was fun, 'cause, uh,

my parents, uh, they
gave me a lot of freedom.

A lot-lot of freedom.

Sometimes I was, uh,
freer than others, of course,

'cause, uh, well, they wouldn't,
they wouldn't come home

for like two or
three days at a time.

But I didn't mind or nothing.

I mean, it was good for me.

It was real good for me,
because it taught me faster

how to become a man.

What is a man?

Five feet of heaven
and a ponytail...

No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
that-that... no, that's love.

A man... A man
is a guy who's tall...

uh, and he's like a boy, see?

Except through the urges
of nature, he is forced

to learn how to shave hisself.

And... that's all?

He has brown hair.

And, um, he don't need help
from nobody or nothing, see, never.

'Cause he can do everything
he wants to just by hisself.

It's-it's all down here in the...
In my-my drawing of a slum.

You see it right here.

See? Oh, there's the man now.

Oh, look, he's shaving.

(sighs)

Hey, Squigg, how'd you do?

I did just fine.

The doc says my
brains is in great shape.

I'm absolutely normal.

Or as he calls me, "abnormal."

What'd he make you
do in there, Squigg, huh?

He didn't make me do nothing.

He says to me I'm
a underachiever.

Uh, Leonard Kosnowski?

You want me?

This will only take a minute.

Can you tell me
something to make it easier?

Lie.

I'm not here today.

(door slams)

We're next, Shirl.

Lenny?

What?

Why don't you come
over here and sit down?

'Cause if I do, you'll find out.

Find out what?

Never mind.

You know, if you have
something to hide, that's okay.

I think we all have
things about ourselves

that are private, and-and
should stay hidden.

Now, if you have
something you don't want

to talk about, just tell me.

Okay.

Just so long as we
don't have to talk

about what it's like
to be a little kid, and all

the other little kids know
the teacher's giving you your

lunch money, and they make
fun of you 'cause your mom ran out

on you, and your dad
smells of fish all the time,

and you're afraid of linoleum.

I promise I won't bring it up.

Fine. What do you
want to talk about?

- Well, how about your job?
- Oh.

Oh, I drive a truck...
with my partner, Squiggy.

Yeah, it's a pretty
good job, too, you know?

The wheel in your
hands, and the wind

in your face, and the dead
bugs hitting the windshield...

Are you proud of what you do?

Let me think about that.

Lenny?

Hmm?

What's the answer?

What's the question?

Are you proud of what you do?

I never thought about it.

Yeah, I guess I am, you know?

I'll tell you one
thing, it's a better job

than I ever thought I'd get.

Lenny, I wish I could give
you the-the gift of confidence.

Are you the Wizard of Oz?

LAVERNE: What happened?

He said I lacked confidence.

Think I failed.

Oh, Lenny. No.

Gee, you poor lug, you.

How do you feel?

I feel... thirsty.

I'm gonna go to the
cooler. I'll see you later.

We'll see you later, Len.

Boy, you said
nothing to worry about!

- Well...
- The poor guy needs water!

Well, there's probably
nothing at all to worry about.

LAVERNE: Aw, gee,
oh... Shirley Feeney?

- That's her!
- (stifled whine)

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I'm all right.

I'm perfectly fine.

I've faced tougher
talks than this.

Go in there and get
him, Shirl. Go ahead.

You could do it. You
could do anything.

All right, doctore,
do your worst to me.

Sit up there in your ivory
tower and pass judgment on me.

But remember, down
here life goes on,

and we little people
protect each other.

So you can push us
around all you like.

(whimpers)

I don't want to
push anyone around.

I just want to sit and talk and
find out something about you.

Of course, you do.

You drew a lovely house.

Well, thank you.

Split-level Colonial,
flagstone driveway, fireplace.

A doorbell that
chimes "High Hopes."

♪ Ding-ding-ding-ding,
ding-ding-ding-dong ♪

♪ Ding-ding-ding-ding,
ding-ding-ding-dong ♪

Uh... is-is-is this a collie?

Prince? Yes, yes.

Uh, it should be Princess,
though, but I didn't find out

she was a girl doggy
till she had her puppies.

Jo-Jo, Rosie, and Buffy.

You-you know a
lot about this house.

Oh, yes, well, I've thought
about it a lot, you know.

Sort of my dream home.

Hmm.

Noticed one thing, though.

There's nobody in it.

What? There's
nobody in my house?

- No.
- Oh, there must be some mistake.

There must be somebody
here. Let me see.

Oh! So you're right! (laughs)

There's nobody in it, no.

Well, well, that
doesn't mean anything.

(laughs) Uh, does it?

Does that mean something?

Does it?

Of course it means
something, doesn't it?

Yes, of course, because
everything means something.

Let me see, why wouldn't
there be people in my house?

Let me think, why wouldn't
I draw people in my house?

Why didn't I do it?

Well, there's an
explanation for this.

If I can just think
of it. Let me see...

I know! I know, uh, there
are no people in my house

because they're all on
vacation, at Disneyland.

(chuckles)

Yeah, that's a nice
thought. Don't you think?

Hmm? Hmm?

(sighs)

Gee, I just had a bad
thought, though, you know?

I mean, maybe
this isn't my house.

I mean, maybe it never will be.

Maybe it's all
just a pipe dream.

I mean, maybe I never will
get married and have puppies.

I don't know. Tell me, doctor,
do you think that I'm doomed

to a life of despair?

Well, it all depends.

Oh, thank you! Thank you.

You don't know how relieved
those words have made me!

May I borrow your pencil?
I'd just like to draw me

and my husband coming home
from Disneyland... there we are.

You see now?

Coffee?

- What?
- Coffee?

Tea.

Fine.

Dandy.

Laverne?

Shirley!

Stop.

Go!

What are you doing?

Isn't this the test?

No.

Oh, I saw Dr. Joyce
Brothers do it once.

No, no, no, no more tests.

Come on, sit down.

I just want to chat.

Well, I don't.

Well, then let's try.

Well, what happened
to your hands?

Nothing.

Oh, I see, you just like
wearing bandages, huh?

Okay, I cut them, all right?

But it had nothing to do
with me thinking about sex.

There's lots of other things
I think about other than sex.

Like, right now, like,
right now, I'm thinking...

well, now's not a
good time to ask.

I'm not gonna think at
all. Look, I don't think.

I have a feeling you don't
like talking about yourself.

That's right.

Well, what's the matter?

You're not afraid of
psychiatrists, are you?

Are you?

Well, why?

Have you ever
seen a psychiatrist?

Sure, I seen them.

Seen them on T.V.

And they're always asking
those highfalutin' questions.

I don't even understand
the questions, no less give

an answer, and then
you'll think I'm dumb,

so I don't want to do this.

Well, I have an idea.

Why don't you ask me questions?

Go ahead.

- No, I can't.
- Come on.

- Ask me anything you want.
- They'd be dumb questions.

- Go ahead.
- They'd be dumb, no.

Come on, come on,
anything, anything.

Okay, what's
your favorite color?

- White.
- White?

That's hardly even a color.

It's the least-used
crayon in the whole box.

I mean, the page is
white when you start.

Why would you...?

You're smarter than me,
so I guess white it is, huh?

What's your favorite ice cream?

Vanilla.

White again.

What's yours?

Anything with ripples.

Do you think it's, uh...

cheap to kiss on the first date?

No!

You're awfully good at
your work, you know that?

You really are.

Well, that's because you
ask awfully good questions.

(chuckling)

Now, what happened
to your hands?

Ah, I cut them grabbing some
bottles off the assembly line.

It's my fault, but I
didn't tell nobody.

I should have
caught them earlier.

Why didn't you?

'Cause I fell
asleep standing up.

Well, why didn't you tell

anybody you fell
asleep on the line?

Well, Doc, I'm an adjuster.

That's your job?

No, it's my life.

You see, when the stuff
starts hitting the fan?

Well, I just adjust the fan.

Uh, falling asleep was not good.

Cutting my hands was not good.

But Shirley, she
thought I was a hero.

So that was good.

So I adjusted.

I like you, Laverne.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, you're not bad yourself,
for a guy who likes white.

(chuckling)

Could I ask you
one more question?

Yeah, go ahead.

Why do you want
to live in a cow?

How's your little
hand there, Laverne?

Oh, look, they're
almost all better.

I mean, the thumbs
still hurt a little,

but the pinkies are
as good as new.

Yeah, well, you should
thank your lucky pazoozas

that you didn't have
to go under surgery.

That way they'd have
to gas your fingers.

You see there?

Here you are, back at work.

Your hands are good as new,

and nothing ever came of
those psychological tests.

Yeah, he was sure a nice
guy, wasn't he, you know?

Certainly was.

- And you know what he told me?
- What?

He told me that I could
go crazy on my first date.

Aah! I love it, I love it!

I doubt that very much.

But the man does know a
good house when he sees it,

I will say that.

Yeah, well, as for me, I
got no worries in the world.

He says I'm a...
ALL: Underachiever.

Well, some of us
aren't so lucky as you.

Hey, what are we talking about?

Here's to our jobs, huh?

OTHERS: To our jobs.

- There we go.
- Hey, hey...

I've been looking for you four.

I've, uh, finished my report,

and I think you
ought to hear it.

Sure, isn't that just
like him, you know?

He treats you nice
so you spill your guts

and then, bingo, the report.

Just a fancy name
for walking papers.

Yeah, this is the
Isaac Mulligan story.

I think you ought
to hear my report.

Why don't you just skip
right down to the bottom part,

you know, where you fire us?

Well, I-I'll read
what's pertinent.

"The blue-collar worker..."

- (imitates teletype machine)
- Would you shut up?

Here. "The blue-collar
workers I have studied

"are conscientious and
take pride in what they do.

"They are able to overcome
hardship in early life,

"and perform admirably,
in spite of adversity.

"They are fiercely loyal
to their fellow workers.

"Much of their work is
tedious, yet they persevere.

"They are survivors.

"I recommend that more attention
be... and more respect be paid

"to the so-called 'little guys,
' who should never lose sight

of the value of
what they really are."

CARMINE: Hold it, will you?

I'm almost finished
drawing my house.

I can hardly wait! Come on...

Okay! Will you let me finish?

- All right, okay, oh, oh!
- You can really tell

something about me by
the way I draw a house?

Oh, Carmine, it's
amazing what you can tell

about a human being.

You can tell, first of all,
about their personality

and then you can tell what's
going on inside their mind,

and what they're
thinking. Come on...

- Wait, no, hold it, hold it.
- Let me, let me see.

All right, all right,
all right. (mutters)

Hah! Ooh!

What do you think?

Oh!

What did you do that for?

I'm appalled! What is this?

What is this in this window?

Shouldn't peek in
people's windows.

It's not polite.

Well, these silhouettes
look suspiciously like

you and me doing
Lord-knows-what.

Uh, uh, you got
it all wrong, Shirl.

That's... see,
that's not you and I.

That's, uh, Ozzie and Harriet.

Ow!

Ozzie and Harriet?

What would Ricky and Dave say?

"Gee, Pop, you finally
took your sweater off."

(chuckles)

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪