Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 7 - Cruise: Part 2 - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



Your attention, please.

We believe there are
stowaways aboard ship.

If you see anyone
suspicious, please let us know.

Anyone helping these stowaways
will be dealt with severely

and sent off the
ship. Thank you.

Did you hear that?

Yeah.

Now what sort of cheap, pathetic
freeloader would stow away on a ship?

Hello.

What is this?

It's going to be pretty
cramped in here.

Four people, two beds.

I don't know. It sounds kind
of cozy to me. Yeah, me, too.

Dibs on Shirley.

What are you two doing here?

You were supposed to get
off of this ship before we left.

Oh, I thought it was like
sneaking in the movies.

You know, you just hang
around until they throw you out.

You mean you got
on without paying?

Of course. Think we're crazy?

Yeah, yeah.

What an idea.

We should have done that.

We could have hid
in the bathroom all day

and then just come
out at night for the fun.

Have you gone
screwball on me? What?

These people could be arrested.

They're stowaways. No...

Yes, they could be
arrested, and you know what?

We could be arrested for
harboring them. They're criminals.

You heard the
man. You heard him.

Yeah? Yes.

That's it. Get out of here.

Okay, I've got it.
Captain, Captain...

No, Shirley, please.
I put my dibs on you.

Well, get your
filthy dibs off of me.

Low blow.

Come on, Laverne. Give us a
break. Come on, come on, come on.

Hold it, Shirl.

We can't squeal on them.

Look at their... faces.

Let's just kick them
out of the cabin

and never let them
back in again, huh?

Thank you.

That sounds good to me.

All right.

We won't turn you
in this one time.

But I don't want to
see these faces once

during my vacation time.

Shirl, you are a saint.

She's better than a
saint. She's a... a pope.

It was my idea.

Okay, so you can be the pope.

And don't you boys tell
anybody you know us either.

Never heard of you. Who
are you? Who are you?

Right, and if anyone
asks, we don't know them;

we don't know where
they came from;

and we've never seen
them before in our lives.

Deal? Deal. BOYS: Deal.

Oh, stop rocking, boat.

Hi, you married?

You could be nice
to a sick person.

Oh!

What are you doing here?

Huh?

We put on these crazy getups

so we could steal some food.

Yeah, we copped
a little something

off that chopped liver
mermaid in there. Mm-hmm.

We got a little left over.

It's got some lint on it, but...

Get rid of the chopped
liver, please, no.

Hi. Beautiful day.

That Ensign guy's here.
The Ensign guy's here.

What are you talking about?
Uh-oh, Popeye the sailor man.

Hasta lumbago.

Please, no, no, no.

You can't do that.

Hello. Hi.

Beautiful day. Isn't it?

I was looking all over
for your friend Shirley.

Were you?

Oh, well, she just went to
the other side of the boat.

If you run real quick,
you can catch her.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Thanks a lot, Laverne.

Well, Captain, hello.

It's Ensign.

Oh, that's right.

And it's Gary.

Oh, yes, Gary.

I've been looking
all over for you.

There's a beautiful
view over here. Oh.

From this deck you can
see Michigan and Illinois.

Michigan and...

No, you don't want
to see what's there.

It's ugly.

Uh, why don't you
go look at Canada

on the other side of the boat?

That's "ship," Laverne.

Ship.

Always refer to it as a ship.

Right, boat talk.

Uh, right is starboard,
left is Lenny.

Left is Lenny.

Oh, goodness.

Oh, why don't we go to
the other side of the boat

and look at Canada, huh?

Good idea, huh?

Laverne, you
stroll along with us.

Oh, thank you.

Aw, you stupid!

We're trying to get
a tan down here!

Men, I've got the stowaways.

We don't know them.

We don't know
where they came from,

and we never saw
them before in our lives.

Right, Shirl?

You've got the wrong idea here.

We are the bandito.

We play, uh, the music, yeah.

Yeah, you know,
chili today, hot tamale.

All right, who's
been hiding you?

You don't look smart enough
to do this by yourselves.

You and your accomplices
will be treated very severely.

Uh, we don't know them.

We don't know
where they came from

and we never saw
them before in our lives.

Move your little mouth, Shirl.

You don't understand,
your Ensignship.

Uh, what it was, was, uh,

we didn't steal
away at all, no, no,

what we did was we
kind of borrowed the trip.

Right, yeah.

We were going to
pay it back, you know.

Please.

Please, let them go.

They're not stowaways.

What?

The little one's
my hus... husband.

Did that come out
of your mouth, Shirl?

A nice girl like you

could never marry
a guy like that.

Oh, yes, she could, and she did,

so get your clammy
paws off my wife, buddy.

Oh! Man overboard!

You can't just send us
up in some helicopter

and-and drop us
like we was a couple

of dead fishes in a lake.

We're American citizens.

Hey, better than
that, we're Teamsters.

The helicopter will drop you off

at Milwaukee Harbor
where you belong.

Well, actually, we belong

about four blocks away
from there on Knapp Street.

Do you think you could
make a little side trip?

Whoa! Whoa!

Hey, you can see our
house from up here.

Never mind that.

You can see down Laverne
and Shirley's dresses.

Bye, boys.

Be careful...

Oh, please,

please don't make
us go in the helicopter.

Uh, we're afraid of heights.

Yeah, that's why we
live in a basement.

You two are not
going in the helicopter.

Huh? All right.

Put us in shackles
and send us down

to the bowels of
the ship with the rats.

Do you got to give him ideas?

How about something
more pleasant,

like a bottle of champagne?

Oh, that's better than rats.

Oh, get us drunk, and what then?

Ravish us?

I wouldn't ravish you.

I'm an ensign.

Maybe you'll get promoted.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know.

I'm sorry if I frightened you.

I think you both were wonderful
for trying to help your friends.

Ensign Benson, you're
wanted in the galley.

With your permission.

Aye-aye.

We're gonna get off
just because he likes you.

Oh, poo.

Oh, poo yourself.

Don't you see that
twinkle in his eye

every time he talks to you?

Oh, Laverne,
that's not a twinkle.

It's more like a
sparkle, don't you think?

Twinkle, sparkle...
What's the difference?

I'm telling you he wants you.

Bad.

Well, it doesn't matter.

He's not my type.

What are you talking
about? He's gorgeous.

Yes, gorgeous is usually
part of being my type, but...

Yeah?

Listen to this.

There were some
people complaining

about the chopped liver.

Looks fine, doesn't
it? Doesn't it?

Again with the chopped liver...

Oh, I'm afraid

Laverne doesn't
have her sea legs yet.

Everything is going
round and round

and round and...

And food just looks
like green gungus to her.

Thanks a lot, Shirl.

Come on. You got to fight it.

That's right, Laverne.

You've got to think healthy.

Uh, could you get
the gungus away?

Just put it away. Put it away.

Believe me. Have faith.

You can beat seasickness.

You can beat anything
if you put your mind to it.

Oh, I don't know.

Sure, you can.

♪ Just what makes
that little old ant ♪

♪ Think he'll move
that rubber tree plant? ♪

♪ Anyone knows an ant can't ♪

♪ Move a rubber ♪

♪ Tree plant ♪

♪ But he's got ♪

♪ High hopes ♪

♪ He's got high hopes ♪

♪ He's got high
apple-pie-in-the-sky hopes ♪

♪ So anytime
you're feeling low ♪

♪ Instead of letting go ♪

♪ Just remember that ant ♪

♪ Whoops, there goes
another rubber tree ♪

♪ Whoops, there goes
another rubber tree ♪

♪ Whoops, there goes
another rubber tree plant. ♪

Excuse me, lady.
Is this chair taken?

No.

Is that you, Shirl?

What are you doing

with your nose
painted as an Apache?

Never mind that.

What are you doing
walking around?

I thought you were sick.

Oh, I got cured.

A sailor told me there's only
two cures for seasickness:

making out and peanut butter...

So, just to be on the
safe side, I'm doing both.

Now, why do you got
your nose painted like that?

I don't want Ensign
Benson to see me.

Well, he wouldn't want to
see you looking like that.

Come here, take that off.

Oh, stop it! What are you doing?

Take that stuff... You look
like the wreck of the Hesperus.

Oh, stop it, Laverne.

Come on. Come on, spit.

There you go.

A little more. Good.

It gets right in those
crevices, doesn't it?

There. Now, that's the
face he wants to see.

Well, I don't want to see him.

Oh, yeah? You sure?

Yes, I'm sure...

Then how come you're
writing "Mrs. Ensign Benson"

all over your magazine, huh?

Give me that.

All right, so I'm a fool.

So I fell for him. So what?

But I'm not letting this
romance go any further.

How far you going?

Nowhere.

You don't understand, Laverne.

I come from a family
of seagoing men.

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

I know what it's like to be
married to a seagoing man.

Oh, yeah.

They're always shipping
off to exotic ports,

leaving their womenfolk
behind on the docks

with little babies in their
arms, waving good-bye.

You know you're a loon?

Here we are on a cruise,

and all you got is, uh,
babies crying on a dock.

Getting a little wild
with your puck there.

Read it!

Great.

Reading a puck?

"You got the peanut butter.

"I got the crackers.

"Meet me in the crow's nest.

Love, Max."

I think I'll go
for a little snack.

A stranger with crackers
beckons, and away you fly.

That's right, I'm flying.

And if you were smart,
you'd do the same thing,

or else someone's going to
grab Benson right away from you.

I don't care.

I will not let my
heart rule my head.

I'm going to be cold as ice.

Is anyone sitting here?

Nobody but you, mister.

♪ ♪

Oh, boy, is this a
terrific trip or what?

I'm going to that
party upstairs and,

oh, I borrowed your scarf.

Here, take your scarf back.

I won't even wear it.

No, no. You don't understand.

I'm just letting
off a little steam.

What? What?

Laverne... in a
very few minutes,

Ensign Benson's
gonna come up here

to ask me to marry him.

To marry him?

Are you sure?

You swear to God?

What did he say?

He said that his tour of duty

was over in a couple
of weeks, and...

he had something
very important to ask me

that would affect
the rest of his life.

You're getting married!

I can't believe it!

Why am I jumping and
you're not doing nothing?

I can't say yes.

I've only known him four days.

Then you're gonna say no?

Don't be a fool!

Don't be a fool!

You can't let a dreamboat
like that sail out of your life.

Then go back to yes. Wrong.

Maybe?

No. I'll tell him nothing.

Better, much better.

Keep him guessing.

Oh, boy, I can't believe it.

You're getting married.

You're way ahead of me.

Well, I better get
up to that party.

Maybe I'll find someone.

Hey, we could have
a double wedding.

We're on a ship. I hear waiters

can marry you.

Don't!

Did I flunk a test
or something here?

No, you don't
understand, Laverne.

You see, there is no answer
to a question never asked.

What's that supposed to mean?

It usually means there's
someone at the door.

Who is it?

Ensign Gary Benson!

As long as you're here,

he's not gonna ask
me to marry him.

So no matter what, don't
leave us alone together.

Shirl, I don't want to be here.

I want to go to that party.

There are guys waiting for me.

Please, Laverne...
Please, I implore you.

Please.

I'll be right there, sweetheart.

Please, please... Help a friend.

Okay, okay,

but I'm gonna
feel like a real jerk

hanging around here. No, no.

You won't hang around.

You'll busy yourself.
Just busy yourself.

But no matter what,
no matter what I say,

no matter what I do,
even if I beg, Laverne,

don't leave us alone together.

Even if you beg. I got it.

Don't leave us alone together.

Don't leave you alone together.

Does this look busy?

You look as lovely as a rose.

Hi, Gar.

Hi, Laverne.

I thought you'd be up
on deck with your friends.

Yes, Laverne, you don't
want to keep them waiting.

See, you should
get up on deck early

and show off that pretty dress.

There must be 25
guys up there already.

Already?

Oh, they can wait.

They can wait. They better wait.

Forgive me if this
sounds rude, Laverne,

but I would appreciate it

if you'd leave us
alone for a moment.

I've only got a half hour
before I go on watch...

and I have to be alone with you.

Laverne? Hmm?

Can't you see we
really want to be alone?

Yeah, I'm going to go,

but I just got something
real important I got to do first.

Sort these socks.

Boy, do they get messy.

Would you excuse us
for just a second, Gary?

Yellow one...

Just what do you
think you're doing?!

Will you please leave?

Can't you see we
want to be alone?

This is the begging, right?

Oh, no, get out of
here. Come on. Get out.

Get out, get out. Come on.
You are doing this so good.

No, come on. Lord, I mean it.

Shove off, shove off, shove off,
shove off, shove off, shove off.

Really? Yeah.

You need to tell me if
you change your mind,

give me a signal or something!

What did you think
this was? A twitch?

Okay, I'm gonna go, but
what are you gonna say?

You gonna say yes?

I'll say whatever's meant to be.

Oh. That's a personal thing
between a man and a woman.

I'll tell you every
word, every last syllable

as soon as you get back. Okay.

Well, I guess I'll be going now,

up to the old party, you know,

hang out, have a good time,

so you don't have
to worry about me.

You could get as
personal as you want

'cause I won't be here.

And don't you worry,

Shirl won't tell me nothing.

Get out.

Now, let me see,
um... where were we?

Oh, yes, I remember. I remember.

Right. And I was about
to ask... that question.

Oh, yes, uh... your question.

Do you know, Gary,
it takes time for people

to really get to
know each other.

It's true we've only known
each four days, but...

that's not what's important.

What is important, Gary?

My tour of duty is up next week.

Yes?

And I wanted to
ask you... Uh-huh?

If you think I should stay
with this Great Lakes cruise

or move on to ocean voyages?

Oh, Gary!

Hmm? You don't know

how long I've waited to
hear those words from a man.

Would you mind repeating them?

Oh, yes. Should I stay

with these Great Lakes cruises
or move on to ocean voyages?

That's what I thought you said.

Um... that's what you
wanted to ask me, huh?

Yes, is something wrong?

No. No, no. No, nothing's wrong.

Um, let me see. Let me see.

Uh... well, I think,
definitely the ocean.

You're a sailor,

and a man in your profession
should move on to the ocean.

Uh, the ocean is tops.

Right. Oceans it is.

I knew you were the
right person to ask.

I'm glad I could help you.

Thanks, Shirley.
You're terrific.

You know, you're
good to talk to, and, uh...

real good to sing with, too.

Oh, thank you.

Well, uh, I better be
going back on watch.

I'll see you tomorrow

and every time I'm
in this port, I hope.

Good enough to talk to.

Good enough to sing with.

Not good enough to marry.

You feel pretty rotten, huh?

Want a belt of the bubbly?

Well, you shouldn't
feel... I know.

♪ Just what makes
that little old ant ♪

♪ Think he can move
a rubber tree plant? ♪

Laverne, don't. Don't.

That was our song.

Well, you know, you
shouldn't feel so bad.

He was a sailor.

You said you didn't want
to marry a sailor anyway.

I know, but if he'd asked me,

I could have found some
kind and sensitive way

to let him down easy.

And then he'd be feeling
miserable right now.

Come on.

Forget it. Let me see you smile.

Let me see that dimple.

Do you know I have a dimple?

When I go like this,
I've got one right here.

You know, I've also
got a cleft in my jaw.

Right, here, look. See here?

Do I look like Kirk Douglas?

There it is. There it is.

I knew I could get you to smile.

Come on. Hey, you know what?

There are two days
left, right? Uh-huh.

What do you say I let
you have one of my cuties?

You mean it? Really?

Take your pick.

The trumpet player.

No... He's the best kisser.

Okay, all right,
then the tall guy

with the, with the sideburns.

Well, no, he's the best dancer.

Well, Laverne, you said anyone.

You said anyone.

Well, I meant anyone short.

Well, you said anyone

and now you're
taking that all back

and now you're saying
I can have nothing.

You're giving me nothing,
nothing, nothing, nothing!

Are you waiting for someone?

Nobody but you, mister.

Hey, Bernie.

♪ ♪

Now, remember: don't
yell, "Welcome home"

until they turn on the lights.

Hey, why don't we
just leave the lights off?

That way when they walk in,
we can touch them in the dark.

How are you going to touch
them with broken arms?

They got broken arms?

You have broken arms.

I hope they didn't
suspect anything

when we told them to take a cab.

Ooh. Hey, hit the
dirt. Here they come.

Oh!

Oh! LAVERNE: Oh, get the door.

I got it! Here we are.

Home at last.

Oh... Oh!

I'm starving.

Let's unpack later, okay?

Great. Let's split a pizza.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪