Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 1 - Airport '59 - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Well, his mother's
taking over the business
while he's gone, you know.
Frank!
Frank.
Have some patience.
It's just like you, it's a
little slow getting started.
Oh, that's very funny.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
We had to run all
the way over here.
A couple of those Irish
Wolfhounds saw us
and they chased us all
the way down the street.
We think that Squiggy's
coat is in heat. Yeah.
Hey, look, they got
Louie De Marco's TV set.
And it's a beautiful
day here in Baltimore
as the Baltimore Colts
get set to go up against
the Green Bay Packers.
Quiet!
Keep your eye on the crowd, we might
be able to spot Laverne and Shirley.
What's the big deal? We
see them all the time anyway.
If you ask me, it's a
gyp that they're there,
and we're not, and we
should be at the football game,
not Laverne and Shirley.
It's not a gyp. The Shotz
Brewery had a football lottery
and the girls won it fair and square.
- Yeah, yeah.
They won it fair and square,
but if you ask me, women at
football games is unnatural.
What?!
I just hope the girls
had a good flight.
Not Laverne.
Her Pop told me
she was afraid to fly.
Is that true, Frank? Yeah.
Why is Laverne afraid to fly?
Well, when she was a
little girl, her Uncle Fungi
used to throw her up in the air,
and sometimes he would forget
to catch her on the way down.
Hey, listen, you
put your glasses on.
The doctor said you're not supposed
to watch TV without your glasses.
You left them in the alley.
Sweetheart, I need a
girlfriend, not a mother.
We're never gonna be able to spot
Laverne and Shirley in a crowd like that.
Yeah, it does appear hopeless.
Hey, there's
Laverne and Shirley!
Where? Where? Where? Where?
Hi, everybody.
Hi, guys...
Hey, they're talking to
us on the television set!
Hi, Laverne and Shirley...
Hi, Squiggy... They can hear me!
Of course they can hear
you, they're right here, dummy!
What are you two doing here?
You're supposed
to be in Baltimore.
Well, we didn't quite make
it to Baltimore. Well... No...
Oh, afraid to get
on the plane, huh?
No... No.
I know. I know what happened.
You made disgusting noises and
they wouldn't let you on the plane...
Now that's not
very likely, is it?
Oh, no, it happened to us once.
Shut up!
What happened?
It's just that my legs
are still shaking...
You take that one.
All right. Let me just tell you.
This afternoon, Laverne
and I came within a smidgeon
of meeting the Grim Reaper.
You mean that fat guy at work
that's always eating
the labeling glue?
We're talking about
life and death here.
You ever taste that glue?
Listen. Listen to us, will you?
Everything was going real fine
when we were boarding the plane.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, not real fine. I...
I had a little difficulty
getting Laverne on...
Laverne, get in here,
or I'll bust your kneecaps!
Go, Packers.
Hi, everybody.
So, this is an airplane.
Isn't this nice?
It's got chairs, and
people, and little doilies.
Well, I've seen
enough, good-bye.
I've brought you
this far, Laverne.
Come on, come on!
Come on, I'm going
to take care of you.
You just said you'd
break my kneecaps.
Hey, hey, hey.
When we get to Baltimore,
are we going to kill them?
Now come on, you Packer Backers,
let's hear it.
Go-oo-oo-oo-oo, Packers!
Go-oo-oo-oo-oo, Packers!
See? See how much
fun it's going to be?
You see that? Yeah.
May I help you with your coat?
Oh, sure... Oh.
You really don't need
all these religious medals.
We like to say that...
God is our co-pilot.
Uh, when does He find the time?
Oh, Shirl, I don't want to go.
Laverne, come on. I
don't want to do this.
Laverne, we've been
through this two hours now.
You said you'd be brave.
Didn't you do the best
airplane in the fifth grade?
Didn't you do the best B-52?
Yeah. Let's hear that B-52.
Yeah... Let's hear it.
Come on... come on.
Let's hear it, in for a
landing, in for a landing.
Okay, now wipe your mouth.
Ah!
Okay, here's two
seats, aisle seats
right across from each other.
Why don't you sit here, Laverne,
'cause you can get a
good look at Lake Huron.
I'll take this
seat, since it is...
You!
What are you doing?
I want to sit with the sister.
You're pushing me
to the line, Laverne.
I'm telling you,
airplanes are safer than cars.
Nobody has ever
crashed into a cloud.
Nobody ever fell 30,000
feet out of a DeSoto, either.
Laverne, look at these ladies.
See how they're dressed?
They're dressed in uniforms.
You know what that's a sign of?
A trained professional.
Attention, passengers.
Because of the football
game there has been
a sudden increase
in flights to Baltimore.
So some of our ground personnel
must double as flight attendants.
I'm sure you'll enjoy
your flight with Julie.
I'm flying with the VIP's.
VIP's.
Excuse me, excuse me,
wasn't it your face that
checked in our bags?
Right. Right, oh, it was, yeah.
Well, this morning
a baggage clerk,
this afternoon an
airline stewardess.
I mean to tell you, isn't
America wonderful?
Yes, it sure is.
That's a trained professional?
She's a baggage girl.
The stewardess
is a baggage girl.
The pilot's probably a porter.
Well, here we go...
And there goes the ground!
Hail Mary, full of grace, bless
us sinners so we don't die...
Laverne, stop
that silly praying.
It's silline...
Praying is-is very good.
I do a great deal of it myself.
I know my...
Oh, geez, look at her.
Shirl?
Shirl... Sh...
Not again, Fabian, not again...
Shirl, my ears are
blocking up, I can't hear.
I'm going deaf.
Planes make you deaf, I knew it.
No, no, it's the pressure.
It's the alti... Wait a minute.
It's the altitude pressure, see?
Here you go. Gum.
Gum will help your ears.
There.
It's not working.
It's not...
Read my lips.
Fool... fool...
stupid... stupid.
Chew the gum, chew it!
Oh, Laverne, Laverne, whoo...
Honey... let me tell
you something, honey.
Chewing gum ain't
going to help her.
That's not going to
do it. Oh, yes, it does.
It always helped me, you
see? You chew the gum and...
No, not when you've got it that
bad, honey, believe me, now.
Yeah, well, I... My
brother-in-law is an M.D.
and I'm telling you, I know
what I'm talking about. Huh?
Honey, I'm telling you,
you got to swallow hard!
Chewing the gum
ain't going to help.
Oh, but you see...
You got to swallow.
Swallow hard. I
understand. Yeah.
But that's the principle
of chewing the gum.
You chew the gum
and then you swallow.
If you chew long enough
and swallow... Yes?
I swallowed my gum.
I'm... deaf and I'm choking.
Honey, please...
Okay, shake it loose, shake
it loose, okay, relax, relax!
Relax, relax and shake it
loose. Is it loose, is it loose?
No!
Right there. Here we... There!
I got it. I got it back.
Eww!
That's disgusting.
This trip is disgusting.
I hate airplanes.
All right.
Okay, I've had it. Let's go.
Let's go up front. Where...
Where are we going?
When I flew to San
Diego to see my father,
they took me to the cockpit
and let me talk to the pilot
and it made me feel
a whole bunch better.
They let you do that?
Miss, oh, miss?
Yes? Can we go to the cockpit?
You can go anyplace that's
not marked "occupado."
Hi-ho!
May we come in?
Sure, welcome
aboard. Oh, thank you.
Laverne, you have
been on my heels
all the way down
the aisle, please.
Isn't that beautiful?
Oh... Hi there! Hi.
Uh, my name's Shirley Feeney
and this is my friend,
Laverne DeFazio.
How do you do?
We're passengers on board
and it's Laverne's first
flight, and... she's a little, uh...
Petrified?
Exactly. Uh-huh.
First time up in the
wild blue yonder, huh?
Yeah, I sort of stick
to the calm, grey gutter.
I myself am a seasoned traveler,
having flown to San Diego
and back for Sailors' Day.
Oh.
Well, I'm Captain
Ralph "Buzz" Anderson,
but you can call
me Smilin' Ralph.
Oh... Oh, I get it. The smile...
Well, Smilin' Ralph,
where's the guy... from here?
You mean the co-pilot? Yeah.
Oh, we don't carry them
on a charter like this.
We like to think that
God is our co-pilot.
The other girl said that,
she got off the plane.
Say, listen, uh...
Would you mind handing me
my coffee over there, please?
Happy to oblige, Smilin' Ralph.
Yeah, wouldn't want
to fall asleep up here.
Hurry up, get him the
coffee, get him the coffee.
Oh, Laverne, that was just
a little jokie on your behalf.
Was that a jokie on my behalf?
Just a joke... It was a joke...
Nothing to worry about. This
baby practically flies itself.
You hear that? It
practically flies itself.
Oh, we hit something!
We hit something! Oh, no, no,
no, no, no. Just a little turbulence.
Just a little air bubble.
That's all. We hit something?
It's an air bubble, that's
all. Air bubble? big bubble...
Happens all the time,
all the time, get used to it.
Here you go...
Oh!
Oh, goodness, me!
But you see,
Laverne, the trick is...
These air pockets...
You'll know next time not
to be frightened of them,
because they are just a
part of traveling in the air...
You hit a bump
every now and then.
Next time you
won't be frightened.
I wonder if he wants
cream and sugar in this.
I don't think he cares.
Did he lose something?
What's he doing down there?
He went... kaboom!
He went like that.
Oh, when we...
Well, that's one
fine heck of a note.
Who's going to fly this thing?
Come on, wake up, wake up.
You can't stay
down there forever.
Come on, Smilin'
Ralph, let's see that smile.
Let's see it. Come on. Come on.
He's not moving, Shirl... You
really cold-cocked the man.
Get the stewardess!
Laverne, go get the
stewardess! She's a baggage girl!
Oh! Oh, this is terrible,
this is just terrible.
All these people's lives in my
hands, and I've dropped them!
- You're getting hysterical.
- It's my fault!
It's my fault! I
panicked, I panicked!
Get ahold of yourself.
We're plummeting from
the sky like a wounded duck!
And if you slap me,
I'll pinch you hard!
Oh!
Ow!
4-6-5-7, 4-6-5-7,
come in, please.
God is our copilot.
This is Tower Control.
We read you veering off course.
Adjust 17 degrees north.
Hello, help?
Hello, help?
Help. Help. This
is us in the plane.
Where are you? Help. Help.
Don't touch anything.
Don't touch anything.
You might throw us
into reverse. Help! Help!
Let me put on the
headphones here.
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Hello? I'm sorry.
Where is Smilin'
Ralph? Uh, he's...
My friend cold-c...
Uh, he had a little
accident, and he's out cold.
Yes. I'm very sorry... I'll be
happy to pay all medical costs.
Uh, who's flying the plane?
I don't think they care...
Uh, it flies itself.
What idiot told you that?
Get behind the wheel!
You do it. You do it.
You're the one who
went to San Diego.
I was six years
old! I slept the...
Sit down!
Sit down!
Sit down!
Are you sitting?
Sort of sitting.
All the way.
Sit down, Laverne, sit down.
Okay, I'm sitting.
All right, now,
you see the stick
in front of you
to the left? Yeah.
Well, don't touch it. No, no.
I won't touch nothing.
No, you're gonna have to
touch something. I don't wanna.
Oh, wait, wait!
Smilin' Ralph's
coming to! He's all right!
He moved... the pilot
may be awake. Hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Come
on, come on, that's it.
Come on, come on, Ralphie
boy. Get him in the chair.
Get him up. Okay, let's go, boy.
Ooh, here we go
into the chair. Oh, oh...
Into the chair.
Okay. Into the chair.
Okay, I got him, I got him.
Okay, here we go.
Okay, Smilin' Ralph, fly.
He can't fly like that.
He needs his hands
on his instruments.
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, here we go. Here. Put it
on the wheel, put his hands on the wheel.
You are rapidly losing altitude.
We know that, we know that.
Pull out! Pull out!
Hurry!
Do you know we're
going down here?
Yeah. Pull... pull
up on the wheel.
Pull up on the wheel.
Land! I can't see land!
Level it off, level it off!
Push it forward slightly.
Slightly, slightly, slightly.
Good.
Good?
Good. Now, who are you girls?
Um... Uh, hello?
Hello? You don't know us,
but my name is Shirley Feeney,
and this is my friend
Laverne DeFazio,
and, uh, we won the
Shotz Brewery lottery,
and so we're going to
the Packers game for free.
Maybe you read about
it in the newspaper?
I missed it. Uh, do you...
do you know anything
about flying planes?
No! Mm-mm.
Only Smili" Ralph does.
One of you go
back into the cabin,
see if you can
find a licensed pilot.
But be subtle... you don't
want to panic the passengers.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I want to sit down next...
Go in the back and...
No. Do you want
to fly this thing?
No. Then go in the
back and find a pilot.
All right, okay,
I'll go in the back.
I'll go in the back
and try and find
a tactful, subtle way to
not let these people know
that their lives aren't
worth a plug nickel!
Okay, Shirl went to find
a pilot... what do I do?
Well, we want to get
you out of air traffic lanes,
so I want you to bank the plane
right. They got banks up here?
No, turn. Turn the wheel.
That's good. That's
a beautiful turn.
Now straighten it out.
Good, good. You're
doing great. Oh, thank you.
Now, I want you
to cut back a little
on engines two and four.
Those are the blue
knobs in front of you.
How do I know which
is two and which is four?
One says "two,"
and one says "four."
Th-That's a good system there.
There goes two, there goes four.
Okay, you're a natural.
Uh, yeah, well, I watch
Sky King every Saturday.
What's going on?
Aw! Sh-Shirl and I c...
Never mind... go get
some smelling salts.
I'm trying to fly a plane here.
Oh, why didn't I
stay in baggage?
Where's that stewardess?
Where's that stewardess?!
Something's wrong. I
know something's wrong.
Where's that stewardess?
Nothing is wrong.
Nothing's wrong.
I'm a volunteer stewardess
myself, from Milwaukee.
Perhaps you've heard of us:
Candy Stripers of the Air?
Well, well, well.
Let's chat about
ourselves, shall we?
Anybody here like to share
any hobbies they might have?
Stamp collecting?
Coin collecting?
Flying large aircraft?
Uh, we'd like you
to do one more thing.
We're gonna lower your flaps.
Is it gonna hurt?
Not if you do it right.
Just press the yellow
button near the radio.
Near the radio.
Uh, you got all your stuff here.
Uh, oops.
What "oops"?
Well, the baggage girl had
all her stuff on my dials here,
and I pressed the
orange button by mistake...
Is that gonna hurt anything?
Uh, not too much.
You just released
most of your fuel.
I'm afraid you'll
have to turn around
and come back to
Milwaukee and land, okay?
Land?
There is trouble. I know
there's something wrong.
Now, now, calm down.
What's wrong with this plane?
Nothing is wrong
with this plane.
Nothing's wrong at all.
What could possibly go wrong
on a simple little
charter flight, huh?
Okay, everybody...
Okay, everybody!
Crash landing! Crash...
Oh, my God, she's gonna
try and land this sucker!
Okay, Laverne,
you're doing just great.
Now, cut back on
the engine power
just a little bit more.
Roger Wilco.
Could you sing that
song a little more for me?
Sure.
Laverne...
Oh, my goodness!
Laverne, what are you doing?
What does it look like I'm
doing? Landing the plane.
You got it.
Good-bye, Laverne.
Mwa!
We'll talk about
that later, Shirl.
Are you... are you sure
you have to do this?
It's either that or we go
plop right into Lake Michigan.
Now, strap yourself
to the wall back there.
No, no! What are you
doing? What are you doing?
If I'm gonna die, I want to sit
next to you while I'm doing it.
Oh, wow, that's the spirit.
You're doing real well, Laverne.
Your altitude is 2,000 feet.
Now, the field
should be in sight.
Just aim for the lights.
I got my eye on them lights.
Okay, I'm sure you're
gonna be just fine.
We got no worries
whatsoever down here.
Bernie, you got all available
ambulances standing by?
Did you hear that?
We're gonna die, Laverne. The
man thinks we're gonna... Shh, stop it.
Stop it!
Come on, it hasn't
been such a bad life.
No. No, it hasn't.
And I want you to know, Laverne,
that I-I know that
you're trying your best.
I sure am trying...
1,000 feet. And...
and I want you to
know that no matter...
no matter what, no matter
if you splatter my body
all the way from
here to Lake Huron,
I want you to know
that you'll always be
my best friend in
the whole wide world.
That's so sweet of you, Shirl.
Oh, we've always been
best friends, though.
Remember what you wrote
in my high school yearbook?
500. Yes.
"If in Heaven we don't meet,
"hand in hand,
we'll bear the heat.
"And if it ever gets too hot,
Pepsi Cola hits the spot."
We did it! We
did it! You did it!
He did it.
He did it; we didn't land it.
No, no, actually, you did
fly the plane... you did good.
You're real heroes.
You really did.
Yeah, you are a hero.
I did do it, then.
I did it, I... Yes!
And all the passengers
were so happy to be alive
that, uh... they applauded us.
Yeah.
Until they realized that
they'd missed the game,
and then they got a
little... well, a little ugly.
Me, me, Laverne Marie
DeFazio, zipping through the skies
with that silver baby in my hands.
- Yeah,
sure, I'll see it
when I believe it.
Yeah, vice-a-versa.
And that's the
score at halftime:
It's Packers three, Colts zero.
Look at that, we missed
the first half of the game!
Whatever made you think that
we would believe a story like that,
huh, huh? But
it's true, Carmine.
Let's go bowl. Let's bowl.
Come on. Carmine!
What? Come on.
Pop! It's all right.
It's all right. We did
do it, we did do it.
We believe you. We believe you.
We believe you.
We believe you, yeah.
Honest to goodness.
We believe you.
You guys believe us, don't you?
Yeah, sure, I believe that
like Jayne Mansfield
wants my body.
What does she want
with your body for?
She's got a beautiful
one of her own.
They don't believe us.
You don't believe us.
Okay, all right...
- here's the real story.
- Uh-huh.
Laverne and I did
get on that plane.
Uh-huh. And we
did go to Baltimore.
And we're at the game right now,
watching halftime.
I knew I saw them on television!
Uh-huh. You see,
they do it with
trick photography.
It's trick photography.
TV can't lie. Yeah,
well, we'll see you girls
when you really get
back from Baltimore.
Nobody believed us.
They still think
I'm afraid of flying.
I'm not afraid of
flying, you big stupids!
Oh, save your breath, Laverne.
Save your breath. Yeah, but...
Well, I know you flew the plane.
I'm your witness, huh?
You know what? Mmm?
I want to thank you Laverne,
for saving my life.
You saved my
life, and thank you.
Aw, go on, you stuck with me
all the way down, didn't you?
I know. Huh?
But we did it
together, so thank you.
Oh no, no, no. Thank you.
Just say thank you.
Thank you.
Thank You. Thank You.
I'm telling you, He's
a heck of a co-pilot.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ That dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Well, his mother's
taking over the business
while he's gone, you know.
Frank!
Frank.
Have some patience.
It's just like you, it's a
little slow getting started.
Oh, that's very funny.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
We had to run all
the way over here.
A couple of those Irish
Wolfhounds saw us
and they chased us all
the way down the street.
We think that Squiggy's
coat is in heat. Yeah.
Hey, look, they got
Louie De Marco's TV set.
And it's a beautiful
day here in Baltimore
as the Baltimore Colts
get set to go up against
the Green Bay Packers.
Quiet!
Keep your eye on the crowd, we might
be able to spot Laverne and Shirley.
What's the big deal? We
see them all the time anyway.
If you ask me, it's a
gyp that they're there,
and we're not, and we
should be at the football game,
not Laverne and Shirley.
It's not a gyp. The Shotz
Brewery had a football lottery
and the girls won it fair and square.
- Yeah, yeah.
They won it fair and square,
but if you ask me, women at
football games is unnatural.
What?!
I just hope the girls
had a good flight.
Not Laverne.
Her Pop told me
she was afraid to fly.
Is that true, Frank? Yeah.
Why is Laverne afraid to fly?
Well, when she was a
little girl, her Uncle Fungi
used to throw her up in the air,
and sometimes he would forget
to catch her on the way down.
Hey, listen, you
put your glasses on.
The doctor said you're not supposed
to watch TV without your glasses.
You left them in the alley.
Sweetheart, I need a
girlfriend, not a mother.
We're never gonna be able to spot
Laverne and Shirley in a crowd like that.
Yeah, it does appear hopeless.
Hey, there's
Laverne and Shirley!
Where? Where? Where? Where?
Hi, everybody.
Hi, guys...
Hey, they're talking to
us on the television set!
Hi, Laverne and Shirley...
Hi, Squiggy... They can hear me!
Of course they can hear
you, they're right here, dummy!
What are you two doing here?
You're supposed
to be in Baltimore.
Well, we didn't quite make
it to Baltimore. Well... No...
Oh, afraid to get
on the plane, huh?
No... No.
I know. I know what happened.
You made disgusting noises and
they wouldn't let you on the plane...
Now that's not
very likely, is it?
Oh, no, it happened to us once.
Shut up!
What happened?
It's just that my legs
are still shaking...
You take that one.
All right. Let me just tell you.
This afternoon, Laverne
and I came within a smidgeon
of meeting the Grim Reaper.
You mean that fat guy at work
that's always eating
the labeling glue?
We're talking about
life and death here.
You ever taste that glue?
Listen. Listen to us, will you?
Everything was going real fine
when we were boarding the plane.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, not real fine. I...
I had a little difficulty
getting Laverne on...
Laverne, get in here,
or I'll bust your kneecaps!
Go, Packers.
Hi, everybody.
So, this is an airplane.
Isn't this nice?
It's got chairs, and
people, and little doilies.
Well, I've seen
enough, good-bye.
I've brought you
this far, Laverne.
Come on, come on!
Come on, I'm going
to take care of you.
You just said you'd
break my kneecaps.
Hey, hey, hey.
When we get to Baltimore,
are we going to kill them?
Now come on, you Packer Backers,
let's hear it.
Go-oo-oo-oo-oo, Packers!
Go-oo-oo-oo-oo, Packers!
See? See how much
fun it's going to be?
You see that? Yeah.
May I help you with your coat?
Oh, sure... Oh.
You really don't need
all these religious medals.
We like to say that...
God is our co-pilot.
Uh, when does He find the time?
Oh, Shirl, I don't want to go.
Laverne, come on. I
don't want to do this.
Laverne, we've been
through this two hours now.
You said you'd be brave.
Didn't you do the best
airplane in the fifth grade?
Didn't you do the best B-52?
Yeah. Let's hear that B-52.
Yeah... Let's hear it.
Come on... come on.
Let's hear it, in for a
landing, in for a landing.
Okay, now wipe your mouth.
Ah!
Okay, here's two
seats, aisle seats
right across from each other.
Why don't you sit here, Laverne,
'cause you can get a
good look at Lake Huron.
I'll take this
seat, since it is...
You!
What are you doing?
I want to sit with the sister.
You're pushing me
to the line, Laverne.
I'm telling you,
airplanes are safer than cars.
Nobody has ever
crashed into a cloud.
Nobody ever fell 30,000
feet out of a DeSoto, either.
Laverne, look at these ladies.
See how they're dressed?
They're dressed in uniforms.
You know what that's a sign of?
A trained professional.
Attention, passengers.
Because of the football
game there has been
a sudden increase
in flights to Baltimore.
So some of our ground personnel
must double as flight attendants.
I'm sure you'll enjoy
your flight with Julie.
I'm flying with the VIP's.
VIP's.
Excuse me, excuse me,
wasn't it your face that
checked in our bags?
Right. Right, oh, it was, yeah.
Well, this morning
a baggage clerk,
this afternoon an
airline stewardess.
I mean to tell you, isn't
America wonderful?
Yes, it sure is.
That's a trained professional?
She's a baggage girl.
The stewardess
is a baggage girl.
The pilot's probably a porter.
Well, here we go...
And there goes the ground!
Hail Mary, full of grace, bless
us sinners so we don't die...
Laverne, stop
that silly praying.
It's silline...
Praying is-is very good.
I do a great deal of it myself.
I know my...
Oh, geez, look at her.
Shirl?
Shirl... Sh...
Not again, Fabian, not again...
Shirl, my ears are
blocking up, I can't hear.
I'm going deaf.
Planes make you deaf, I knew it.
No, no, it's the pressure.
It's the alti... Wait a minute.
It's the altitude pressure, see?
Here you go. Gum.
Gum will help your ears.
There.
It's not working.
It's not...
Read my lips.
Fool... fool...
stupid... stupid.
Chew the gum, chew it!
Oh, Laverne, Laverne, whoo...
Honey... let me tell
you something, honey.
Chewing gum ain't
going to help her.
That's not going to
do it. Oh, yes, it does.
It always helped me, you
see? You chew the gum and...
No, not when you've got it that
bad, honey, believe me, now.
Yeah, well, I... My
brother-in-law is an M.D.
and I'm telling you, I know
what I'm talking about. Huh?
Honey, I'm telling you,
you got to swallow hard!
Chewing the gum
ain't going to help.
Oh, but you see...
You got to swallow.
Swallow hard. I
understand. Yeah.
But that's the principle
of chewing the gum.
You chew the gum
and then you swallow.
If you chew long enough
and swallow... Yes?
I swallowed my gum.
I'm... deaf and I'm choking.
Honey, please...
Okay, shake it loose, shake
it loose, okay, relax, relax!
Relax, relax and shake it
loose. Is it loose, is it loose?
No!
Right there. Here we... There!
I got it. I got it back.
Eww!
That's disgusting.
This trip is disgusting.
I hate airplanes.
All right.
Okay, I've had it. Let's go.
Let's go up front. Where...
Where are we going?
When I flew to San
Diego to see my father,
they took me to the cockpit
and let me talk to the pilot
and it made me feel
a whole bunch better.
They let you do that?
Miss, oh, miss?
Yes? Can we go to the cockpit?
You can go anyplace that's
not marked "occupado."
Hi-ho!
May we come in?
Sure, welcome
aboard. Oh, thank you.
Laverne, you have
been on my heels
all the way down
the aisle, please.
Isn't that beautiful?
Oh... Hi there! Hi.
Uh, my name's Shirley Feeney
and this is my friend,
Laverne DeFazio.
How do you do?
We're passengers on board
and it's Laverne's first
flight, and... she's a little, uh...
Petrified?
Exactly. Uh-huh.
First time up in the
wild blue yonder, huh?
Yeah, I sort of stick
to the calm, grey gutter.
I myself am a seasoned traveler,
having flown to San Diego
and back for Sailors' Day.
Oh.
Well, I'm Captain
Ralph "Buzz" Anderson,
but you can call
me Smilin' Ralph.
Oh... Oh, I get it. The smile...
Well, Smilin' Ralph,
where's the guy... from here?
You mean the co-pilot? Yeah.
Oh, we don't carry them
on a charter like this.
We like to think that
God is our co-pilot.
The other girl said that,
she got off the plane.
Say, listen, uh...
Would you mind handing me
my coffee over there, please?
Happy to oblige, Smilin' Ralph.
Yeah, wouldn't want
to fall asleep up here.
Hurry up, get him the
coffee, get him the coffee.
Oh, Laverne, that was just
a little jokie on your behalf.
Was that a jokie on my behalf?
Just a joke... It was a joke...
Nothing to worry about. This
baby practically flies itself.
You hear that? It
practically flies itself.
Oh, we hit something!
We hit something! Oh, no, no,
no, no, no. Just a little turbulence.
Just a little air bubble.
That's all. We hit something?
It's an air bubble, that's
all. Air bubble? big bubble...
Happens all the time,
all the time, get used to it.
Here you go...
Oh!
Oh, goodness, me!
But you see,
Laverne, the trick is...
These air pockets...
You'll know next time not
to be frightened of them,
because they are just a
part of traveling in the air...
You hit a bump
every now and then.
Next time you
won't be frightened.
I wonder if he wants
cream and sugar in this.
I don't think he cares.
Did he lose something?
What's he doing down there?
He went... kaboom!
He went like that.
Oh, when we...
Well, that's one
fine heck of a note.
Who's going to fly this thing?
Come on, wake up, wake up.
You can't stay
down there forever.
Come on, Smilin'
Ralph, let's see that smile.
Let's see it. Come on. Come on.
He's not moving, Shirl... You
really cold-cocked the man.
Get the stewardess!
Laverne, go get the
stewardess! She's a baggage girl!
Oh! Oh, this is terrible,
this is just terrible.
All these people's lives in my
hands, and I've dropped them!
- You're getting hysterical.
- It's my fault!
It's my fault! I
panicked, I panicked!
Get ahold of yourself.
We're plummeting from
the sky like a wounded duck!
And if you slap me,
I'll pinch you hard!
Oh!
Ow!
4-6-5-7, 4-6-5-7,
come in, please.
God is our copilot.
This is Tower Control.
We read you veering off course.
Adjust 17 degrees north.
Hello, help?
Hello, help?
Help. Help. This
is us in the plane.
Where are you? Help. Help.
Don't touch anything.
Don't touch anything.
You might throw us
into reverse. Help! Help!
Let me put on the
headphones here.
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Hello? I'm sorry.
Where is Smilin'
Ralph? Uh, he's...
My friend cold-c...
Uh, he had a little
accident, and he's out cold.
Yes. I'm very sorry... I'll be
happy to pay all medical costs.
Uh, who's flying the plane?
I don't think they care...
Uh, it flies itself.
What idiot told you that?
Get behind the wheel!
You do it. You do it.
You're the one who
went to San Diego.
I was six years
old! I slept the...
Sit down!
Sit down!
Sit down!
Are you sitting?
Sort of sitting.
All the way.
Sit down, Laverne, sit down.
Okay, I'm sitting.
All right, now,
you see the stick
in front of you
to the left? Yeah.
Well, don't touch it. No, no.
I won't touch nothing.
No, you're gonna have to
touch something. I don't wanna.
Oh, wait, wait!
Smilin' Ralph's
coming to! He's all right!
He moved... the pilot
may be awake. Hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Come
on, come on, that's it.
Come on, come on, Ralphie
boy. Get him in the chair.
Get him up. Okay, let's go, boy.
Ooh, here we go
into the chair. Oh, oh...
Into the chair.
Okay. Into the chair.
Okay, I got him, I got him.
Okay, here we go.
Okay, Smilin' Ralph, fly.
He can't fly like that.
He needs his hands
on his instruments.
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, here we go. Here. Put it
on the wheel, put his hands on the wheel.
You are rapidly losing altitude.
We know that, we know that.
Pull out! Pull out!
Hurry!
Do you know we're
going down here?
Yeah. Pull... pull
up on the wheel.
Pull up on the wheel.
Land! I can't see land!
Level it off, level it off!
Push it forward slightly.
Slightly, slightly, slightly.
Good.
Good?
Good. Now, who are you girls?
Um... Uh, hello?
Hello? You don't know us,
but my name is Shirley Feeney,
and this is my friend
Laverne DeFazio,
and, uh, we won the
Shotz Brewery lottery,
and so we're going to
the Packers game for free.
Maybe you read about
it in the newspaper?
I missed it. Uh, do you...
do you know anything
about flying planes?
No! Mm-mm.
Only Smili" Ralph does.
One of you go
back into the cabin,
see if you can
find a licensed pilot.
But be subtle... you don't
want to panic the passengers.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I want to sit down next...
Go in the back and...
No. Do you want
to fly this thing?
No. Then go in the
back and find a pilot.
All right, okay,
I'll go in the back.
I'll go in the back
and try and find
a tactful, subtle way to
not let these people know
that their lives aren't
worth a plug nickel!
Okay, Shirl went to find
a pilot... what do I do?
Well, we want to get
you out of air traffic lanes,
so I want you to bank the plane
right. They got banks up here?
No, turn. Turn the wheel.
That's good. That's
a beautiful turn.
Now straighten it out.
Good, good. You're
doing great. Oh, thank you.
Now, I want you
to cut back a little
on engines two and four.
Those are the blue
knobs in front of you.
How do I know which
is two and which is four?
One says "two,"
and one says "four."
Th-That's a good system there.
There goes two, there goes four.
Okay, you're a natural.
Uh, yeah, well, I watch
Sky King every Saturday.
What's going on?
Aw! Sh-Shirl and I c...
Never mind... go get
some smelling salts.
I'm trying to fly a plane here.
Oh, why didn't I
stay in baggage?
Where's that stewardess?
Where's that stewardess?!
Something's wrong. I
know something's wrong.
Where's that stewardess?
Nothing is wrong.
Nothing's wrong.
I'm a volunteer stewardess
myself, from Milwaukee.
Perhaps you've heard of us:
Candy Stripers of the Air?
Well, well, well.
Let's chat about
ourselves, shall we?
Anybody here like to share
any hobbies they might have?
Stamp collecting?
Coin collecting?
Flying large aircraft?
Uh, we'd like you
to do one more thing.
We're gonna lower your flaps.
Is it gonna hurt?
Not if you do it right.
Just press the yellow
button near the radio.
Near the radio.
Uh, you got all your stuff here.
Uh, oops.
What "oops"?
Well, the baggage girl had
all her stuff on my dials here,
and I pressed the
orange button by mistake...
Is that gonna hurt anything?
Uh, not too much.
You just released
most of your fuel.
I'm afraid you'll
have to turn around
and come back to
Milwaukee and land, okay?
Land?
There is trouble. I know
there's something wrong.
Now, now, calm down.
What's wrong with this plane?
Nothing is wrong
with this plane.
Nothing's wrong at all.
What could possibly go wrong
on a simple little
charter flight, huh?
Okay, everybody...
Okay, everybody!
Crash landing! Crash...
Oh, my God, she's gonna
try and land this sucker!
Okay, Laverne,
you're doing just great.
Now, cut back on
the engine power
just a little bit more.
Roger Wilco.
Could you sing that
song a little more for me?
Sure.
Laverne...
Oh, my goodness!
Laverne, what are you doing?
What does it look like I'm
doing? Landing the plane.
You got it.
Good-bye, Laverne.
Mwa!
We'll talk about
that later, Shirl.
Are you... are you sure
you have to do this?
It's either that or we go
plop right into Lake Michigan.
Now, strap yourself
to the wall back there.
No, no! What are you
doing? What are you doing?
If I'm gonna die, I want to sit
next to you while I'm doing it.
Oh, wow, that's the spirit.
You're doing real well, Laverne.
Your altitude is 2,000 feet.
Now, the field
should be in sight.
Just aim for the lights.
I got my eye on them lights.
Okay, I'm sure you're
gonna be just fine.
We got no worries
whatsoever down here.
Bernie, you got all available
ambulances standing by?
Did you hear that?
We're gonna die, Laverne. The
man thinks we're gonna... Shh, stop it.
Stop it!
Come on, it hasn't
been such a bad life.
No. No, it hasn't.
And I want you to know, Laverne,
that I-I know that
you're trying your best.
I sure am trying...
1,000 feet. And...
and I want you to
know that no matter...
no matter what, no matter
if you splatter my body
all the way from
here to Lake Huron,
I want you to know
that you'll always be
my best friend in
the whole wide world.
That's so sweet of you, Shirl.
Oh, we've always been
best friends, though.
Remember what you wrote
in my high school yearbook?
500. Yes.
"If in Heaven we don't meet,
"hand in hand,
we'll bear the heat.
"And if it ever gets too hot,
Pepsi Cola hits the spot."
We did it! We
did it! You did it!
He did it.
He did it; we didn't land it.
No, no, actually, you did
fly the plane... you did good.
You're real heroes.
You really did.
Yeah, you are a hero.
I did do it, then.
I did it, I... Yes!
And all the passengers
were so happy to be alive
that, uh... they applauded us.
Yeah.
Until they realized that
they'd missed the game,
and then they got a
little... well, a little ugly.
Me, me, Laverne Marie
DeFazio, zipping through the skies
with that silver baby in my hands.
- Yeah,
sure, I'll see it
when I believe it.
Yeah, vice-a-versa.
And that's the
score at halftime:
It's Packers three, Colts zero.
Look at that, we missed
the first half of the game!
Whatever made you think that
we would believe a story like that,
huh, huh? But
it's true, Carmine.
Let's go bowl. Let's bowl.
Come on. Carmine!
What? Come on.
Pop! It's all right.
It's all right. We did
do it, we did do it.
We believe you. We believe you.
We believe you.
We believe you, yeah.
Honest to goodness.
We believe you.
You guys believe us, don't you?
Yeah, sure, I believe that
like Jayne Mansfield
wants my body.
What does she want
with your body for?
She's got a beautiful
one of her own.
They don't believe us.
You don't believe us.
Okay, all right...
- here's the real story.
- Uh-huh.
Laverne and I did
get on that plane.
Uh-huh. And we
did go to Baltimore.
And we're at the game right now,
watching halftime.
I knew I saw them on television!
Uh-huh. You see,
they do it with
trick photography.
It's trick photography.
TV can't lie. Yeah,
well, we'll see you girls
when you really get
back from Baltimore.
Nobody believed us.
They still think
I'm afraid of flying.
I'm not afraid of
flying, you big stupids!
Oh, save your breath, Laverne.
Save your breath. Yeah, but...
Well, I know you flew the plane.
I'm your witness, huh?
You know what? Mmm?
I want to thank you Laverne,
for saving my life.
You saved my
life, and thank you.
Aw, go on, you stuck with me
all the way down, didn't you?
I know. Huh?
But we did it
together, so thank you.
Oh no, no, no. Thank you.
Just say thank you.
Thank you.
Thank You. Thank You.
I'm telling you, He's
a heck of a co-pilot.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ That dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪