Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 2, Episode 9 - Two of Our Weirdos Are Missing - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Sure as shoot, Laverne,



Rosie's gonna get here
and you won't be ready yet.

Come on, all I have to do

is take out a couple
of rollers here,

and I don't feel like
breaking my neck

for no Rosie Greenbaum.

I can't stand it.

I just can't stand it.

You fought with her
all through high school.

Yeah, I took her each
time though, didn't I?

You gonna take her tonight?

Only if she's
looking for trouble.

Think about it, Laverne.

When was the last
time you got to ride

in a great big
old Cadillac, huh?

When my uncle Lou died.

This is Rosie's
brand-new Cadillac.

Ah, it's her husband's
brand-new Cadillac.

And all she's gonna do all
night is talk about his money

and wave his credit cards around

and show off her fur coat.

Who cares? Let her do that.

This could be our big chance.

Rosie knows a
lot of eligible men.

Yeah, but that doesn't
make her better than us.

Coming, Rose.

Be nice to her
this once, Laverne.

Rose.

Rose.

Well, I hope you two girls are
ready to get lucky for a change.

Well, we'll be
ready in a minute.

You know, not everybody
gets a night on the town

with Big Rosie and her
wall-to-wall checkbook.

Hey, Shirley, is that the
hottest thing you got to wear?

Is there something
wrong with this?

Shirley, you got
to advertise a little.

Put the goods in the window,
you know what I mean?

That's what Big Rosie does.

Oh.

I always thought you put
it right out on the street.

You want to start
something, DeFazio?

You want to start something?

Ladies, ladies, ladies, please!

Please, please,
ladies. Ladies...

Oh... Oh...

Here, Laverne,
darling, hold my fur.

No, no, no, please.

I gotta make sure I got all
my husband's credit cards.

Ah, yes, here they are.

Well,

for the rest of the night, it's
gonna be nothing but class.

Hello...!

Hello...!

I was afraid of that.

Dip?

Hello...!

I'll get it.

What is that?

Oh, you remember Lenny
and Squiggy from high school?

Oh, yeah.

Two guys who
shellacked my ponytail.

I remember.

Hello...!

What do you want?!

We want to know if you girls

want to go with us
to the circus tonight!

No.

We can't!

Why not?

You going out with
those sailors again?

We're going for a ride

in Rosie Greenbaum's
new Cadillac!

Now shut up!

Rosie Greenbaum?

From the high school?

Yeah!

Is she still fat?

Yeah!

I'm sorry, guys, you'll
have to go without us.

Well, who's gonna
pay for the tickets?

We're hanging up.

I ain't got time for this.

You guys finish getting ready.

Do the best you can.

You got five minutes.

Oh, I got to go gas up the car.

With ethyl.

See?

Isn't it amazing how much better

you two are getting along now?

We'd better hurry. Shake a leg.

Boy, when she says five minutes,

she means five minutes.

Well... I wish I was
going to the circus.

Huh!

You go with Rosie,

you got a chance to meet
good-looking, classy guys.

You go to the circus,

you got a chance to
meet human cannonballs.

You make up your mind.

Human cannonballs?

I'm going with Rose.

All right, but if I don't
get a date out of this,

I'm never going again with her.

Oh! Sorry, sorry.

How you doing, ladies? Hi, Len.

Hi, Len, look, we're
just on our way out now.

Oh, don't worry, I'm not
going to take up too much

of your time.

Yeah, but, uh, Rosie's
gonna leave without us

in about three minutes.

In three minutes, Squiggy could
be drowning in his own tears!

Well, gee, we'd love
to help you, Lenny...

Let's see what he wants to say.

No, Rosie's gonna
leave without us!

Oh, let Rosie come
down and get us.

She could use the exercise.

Great.

Hey, Squig!

Hello.

Gee, Squig, I never
saw you cry before.

I ain't crying.

My nose is sweating.

Hey, uh, Squiggy, uh,

I'm real sorry about
the circus, you know.

Yeah, I really
wanted to go, too.

You know, ever
since I was a little kid,

I wanted to be a clown,

have a red ball on my nose...

get some dignity for a change!

Is this all because we wouldn't
go to the circus with you two?

Oh, no.

That's just the final straw
that broke the camel's hump.

Well, what is the exact straw?

You have... two minutes.

Well... you see...

Aw, you tell 'em, Len.

Well, e-e-everything's
going pretty bad, you know.

I-I, I don't even
know where to start.

A minute and a half.

Oh, well, you gotta start
somewhere, you know, so...

Well, what Lenny
says kindsa sums it up.

It's, it's so disgracing.

That's it. Game over.
Let's go, Laverne.

Look, I-I gotta go here.

Uh, guys, there's some
cookies on the plate there

that Shirley made.

Take as many as you
want, and we'll see you later.

Sure, bury our
wounds in cookies.

Look, we'll talk to you
guys about this later, okay?

Don't touch anything.

Laverne, wake up.

Wake up! Come
on! I'm up, I'm up!

Call the brewery; I
didn't hear the alarm.

Tell 'em I'll be
late. I'm sorry.

No. No, no, it's Saturday.

It's Saturday. Snap out of it.

It's Saturday?

Why'd you wake me up?

Look, it's not even
time for Sky King.

No, something
terrible has happened.

What?

Lenny and Squiggy
have runned away.

What?

Lenny and Squiggy have run away.

So?

They've runned away before.

Remember last winter when
they wanted to be hobos?

They wrapped
their feet in burlap

and got as far as the corner.

Don't worry, they'll be back.

No, no, Leon called
from the brewery.

They're supposed to
deliver some beer today.

Shirl, it's Saturday.

Yes, but ever since they rammed

into the loading
dock last month,

they have had to work weekends.

I ran upstairs figuring
they'd overslept,

and look, I found this.

Read it.

A bag?

"To who it may concern.

"We have run away.

"We're going where the living
is easy and the cotton is high.

The end."

Oh, "P.S.

"Please feed my moths...

especially the
babies." I did that.

We ought to frame this here.

Leon says if they're not back
to the brewery by Monday,

he's gonna give 'em the ax.

And you know what?

It's all our fault

because we wouldn't
listen to them last night.

Our fault?

Did you say "our fault"?

I was the one who wanted to
stay here and talk to them, but no,

you dragged me out of here to
go joyriding with Rosie the Phony.

A disgusting evening.

It wasn't a disgusting evening.

You weren't up to your knees
in mud trying to fix her flat tire.

Well, you were the only
one who could lift the jack.

Rosie could have helped.

Why didn't she help, huh?

Well, because she
was... Well, I'll tell you why.

'Cause she was too busy picking
her teeth with her credit cards,

that's why.

You're just jealous because
I latched on to a golf pro.

Ah, Dirk Sampson.

That name can't be for real.

It's got to be just
his golf name.

Dirk Sampson.

I really think he likes me.

Well, who cares
about that anyway?

The point is that you
dragged me out of here

when Lenny and
Squiggy needed us.

Okay, all right, I feel
terrible about that.

Are you happy? Are you happy?

No.

What we gotta do is we gotta
put our heads together here

and we gotta think where
they might have gone.

See, see, see, see
this, look at that.

I bet this is where they went.

Okay, the cabinet's fixed.

Oh, thanks, Pop.

Before you go, uh, would
you, uh, check the toilet?

It keeps running
unless you jiggle it.

So jiggle it!

Oh, come on, Pop.

Please, for me.

For your little muffin,
huh, your little girl?

All right, all right,
all right, I'll fix it.

I fix the floor,
I fix the ceiling.

I'm not your
father, I'm a janitor!

Thanks, Pop.

He likes when I do that.

Why didn't we think of
the circus in the first place?

Yeah, Squiggy did say
he wanted to be a clown.

Mm-hmm. They're probably down
there trying on noses right now.

Well, I'm gonna
go call down there

and see what I can find out.

Good girl, good girl.

You get that. I'll go call
the circus from the bedroom.

Who is it?

It's Edna Babish.

Hi, Mrs. Babish.

Hello, Shirley.

Do you know where
Lenny and Squiggy are?

You know, it's strange you
should ask, because Laverne...

Yeah, I have had
it with those guys!

I've never seen
you this aggravated.

My, my.

Well, you know, they were
weeks behind in their rent

and they finally paid me

with an envelope full
of Monopoly money.

And to top it off,
they were $12 short.

Well, I guess
that's all they had.

Listen, I told them if they don't
have the money by Monday,

I am throwing them
out on their ducktails.

Now, now, now, Mrs. Babish,

didn't they do you a favor

by painting their own
apartment? Hmm?

Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.

They started by
painting the rug.

Yeah, who's there?

The Big Ragoo. Come
on in, Carmine, it's open.

You see, there's a sad story

that goes with this.

Have you seen Lenny and
Squiggy? I owe 'em something.

Good. Give it to Mrs. Babish.

You want two broken heads
and a knuckle sandwich?

No, thanks. I just ate.

Well, look, uh, those
two bums borrowed

my mambo records
and they traded them in

for the soundtrack
album of Battle Cry.

Now calm down,
Carmine. Calm down.

Look, Shirl, it's
impossible to teach dance

and hum, "Cuando,
cuando, cuando" all day long.

I'm sorry, but the sad truth is

that Lenny and Squiggy
have runned away.

Runned away? Run away.

Lenny and Squiggy?

I catch the two
of them, I'll-I'll-I'll...

That's what I'll do to them.

You, too? You, too?

They ruined my Pizza Bowl.

They put a pepperoni
on the ceiling,

they put another
one right with cheese,

right on the wall, and
they ruined the floor...

Hey, are you sure you don't
know where they are, Shirl?

- No, I don't know where they are.
- Hey, Shirl, I found 'em.

All right, show's
over. Move it out.

I'll help you girls. Let's go.

Move it out here, let's
go... Wait a minute. This is...

This is my property.
You've got a search warrant?

Oh, I'm sorry. Could
you please move it out?

I've got to talk
to Laverne, okay?

Let's move it out, huh?

All right, but I've got
your badge number.

Chubby.

My name's Officer Hughes.

My name is Carmine
Ragusa and don't shove me.

Nice shirt.

All right, you wanna
move it out here? Let's go...

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

I'm Laverne's father.
She's my daughter.

Any way you say
it, we're related.

I'm Officer Norman Hughes.

You know, Laverne's told
me an awful lot about you.

You know, we date each other.

I date Laverne.

Maybe we can get
together sometime, huh?

No.

I think he liked me.
Yeah, he must've.

He didn't give you a smack.

Listen, I was just inside

and I was on the phone
and, um, I made a...

Save it, Laverne. Save it.

I got all the
information you need.

I love being a cop. Yeah?

Yeah, listen, Laverne.

I know where your two
friends are, you know.

In a million years, you'll
never guess where they are.

At the circus.

Uh... are you peeking at my pad?

Because... Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I peeked. I peeked.

It's police property.
Yeah, I know.

I ran around like a fool all
day. You did a wonderful job.

You did... you were
terrific. Thanks, Norman.

Okay, thanks,
Laverne. Okay, come on.

I got the pocketbooks, let's go.

Okay. We gotta go
down to the circus.

I'll go with you, okay? Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.

What if my golf pro
calls while we're out?

Oh, he's not gonna call.
Oh, but he might call.

Okay, Norman'll stay
here and take the message.

Oh, thanks, Norman. I
can't stay. I can't stay.

I'm on duty. I can't stay.

I'll stay five
minutes, but that's it.

Five minutes is
not gonna help me.

Ten minutes. Ten minutes tops.

I'll be here when you get back.

Great. Thanks.

Welcome. Welcome to
Zimmerman Brothers great show.

The greatest show on dirt.

Uh... we hate to
interrupt your whipping,

but, uh, we'd like to
ask you a few questions.

Sure, go ahead.
It's pretty peaceful

here in the afternoon.

Not much to do.

Even the clowns
don't wear makeup.

Clowns without
makeup are just old men.

No, I don't want to hear that.

Uh, Mr. Zimmerman... Hi. Hi.

We found out that a couple
of our friends are here.

One's named Leonard
Kosnowski and...

Hold it.

I'm not too much on names.

What are they like?

Well, one of 'em's
got a hair worm

right on his face
there like that. Yeah.

And they go like this...

Ah.

I know them, all right.

Mr. Zimmerman... Uh-huh.

Your two friends, yes,

they came around the
other day looking for work.

And you gave 'em jobs.

Sure, you know my policy.

Hire the unusual.

Don't wear it out.

Oh, good, so then
they're still here, huh?

Well, for a short time only.

You see, I have another policy:

fire the stupid.

Uh, well, where can
we find them now?

I don't know.

Now, they said
they'd come around

after tonight's performance

to show me some
cockamamie act they cooked up.

But we're leaving tomorrow
for Dubuque, Iowa without 'em.

Aw, couldn't you at least
look at their act, you know?

Listen, I'm running
a circus here.

I can't afford to waste my time

looking at strange people.

Where is it?

Give me the music,
I'll introduce you.

Hey, well, hello,
ladies and gentlemen.

Uh, now here to tickle
your funny bones,

here he is... Squiggo,
the sad clown.

Hello, boys and girls and
children of all religions.

I am so happy you could be here.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Wait, wait, hold it, hold
it, hold on, hold, hold!

What are you laughing for?

You're supposed
to be the sad clown.

Aw, boys and girls,
what are you doing here?

Your part is fine, but
you got a funny suit on.

I got a skill to practice
here, you know?

Wanna give me a hand?

Okay, all right, all right,

all right, all right,
I'll introduce you.

I'll introduce you,

and now ladies and gentlemen,

for your entertainment
pleasure, here he is,

Leonardo the juggling stooge.

Ho, ho.

Ho... oh.

It's our first rehearsal,
already you got it wrong.

I've never tried it with
those shoes before.

All right, all right...

Okay, now, when I get started,

I want you to feed me the
rest of the oranges, okay?

Okay, how do you
want 'em... Peeled?

No, no, that's just
a juggling term.

It means throw me
the rest of the oranges.

How am I supposed
to know a juggling term?

I'm telling you...
I'm a person...

Throw me the rest
of the oranges, okay?

Wait till I get started here.

Okay, any time you're
ready, any time... Hey.

I don't get the trick.
What's the big...?

Not all at once!

Well, I don't get the trick.

You dumbbell, not all at once!

One at a time!

Guys, guys.

Thank you. Thank you.

Look who it is.

Hey, what are you doing here?

What do you think
we're doing here?

We've been looking
all over for you.

That's right.

Yeah, well, you found us.

Just in time to say good-bye.

Yeah. Yeah.

That's right.

We're moving out with
the circus tonight, girls.

From now on, any
place we hang our tents...

is home. Mm-hmm.

Uh... Guys, we got
some bad news for you.

Great. Not great.

We talked to the ringmaster

and he's not taking
you with them.

And he doesn't
want to see your act,

and you're fired.

Fired?

After all this work?

Aw, just forget about that

and come on home with us, okay?

Yeah, come on. Come on.

Aw, hey, you don't
care what happens to us.

Face it, nobody does.

Oh, don't give us that.

Don't do that!

Hold on. Hold on.

I'm going to count three.

One, two, three.

Whoa!

You okay? You okay?

Gee... What do you
mean, we don't care?

If we didn't care,
we wouldn't be here.

That's right.

I could be out with a
golf pro at this very...

Would you forget
about the golf pro.

He's not calling...
Yes, he is...

Guys, where you going?

Look, look, just
forget about us, okay?

I mean, our problems
are too big to talk about.

They're too embarrassing
to even mention.

You couldn't solve
them in a bazillion,

bazillion, trillion years.

Look, fellas,

we already know
all your problems.

You do? Yeah.

And sometimes it seems

like you got the whole weight
of the world on your shoulders,

but you just need
a little help that's all.

Well, what kind of
help are we gonna get?

Well, I'm gonna talk to
Carmine about the record.

He listens to me.

Yeah?

And I'll speak to my
father about the Pizza Bowl.

Yeah? Yeah?

And Leon said as long as
you show up to work on Monday

with the truck, you can
have your jobs back.

Yeah? Yeah?

And until you scrape
together enough real money

to pay Mrs. Babish, we'll...

we'll loan you a few dollars.

You'd do that?

Yeah. Yeah, we'd do that.

Gee, uh, girls, I...

I, I ain't much at
speech making, but...

Naw, he stinks at it.

On behalf of Lenny and myself...

we'd just like to say... thanks.

Hug 'em.

Aw, no, you don't
have to do that...

Hey, come on.

Squiggy, help me get
out of these sissy pants.

I ain't helpin' you
take off your pants.

My name's Charlie.

I work here.

I don't wanna go in there.

Oh, would you come on,
don't be such a chicken.

Where's your spirit
of adventure? Well...

Well, how did I know

there were six of them in there?

Here... I,

it sometimes
gets stuck... there.

Well... thanks for
the evening, Dirk.

I-I had a wonderful time.

Hey, me, too, Shirley.

I hope you don't mind me
winning the miniature golf game.

I... I'm lucky like that.

Of course not, it's
just that I'm not used

to putting a purple golf
ball through a windmill.

Ah, you're so funny.

Well, uh... good night.

Good night.

Well, did Dirk get you any...

in any little sand traps, huh?

That's for me to know
and you to find out.

Aw, come on.

Is he a good kisser?

He's a pro, isn't he?

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪