Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 1, Episode 7 - Once Upon a Rumor - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel ♪
♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ Give us any chance ♪
♪ We'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any rule ♪
♪ We'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
MAN ( over P.A.):
Your attention, please.
All workers must
report immediately
to the assembly
hall for a meeting.
That means everyone.
I'm going to be late.
I've got a busted
zipper. I have to fix it.
Why don't you do that
in the ladies' room?
Are you kidding?
It's out of order.
There are men with
plungers in there.
Hello.
( gasps)
I see London, I see
France, I see Shirley's...
Oh, no, you don't see anything.
Uh, Squiggy, why aren't
you at the meeting?
Well, they're loading up
my truck for a delivery,
and I just thought I'd
stop by the break room,
and, boy, what a break.
Hey, how come you're
taking your clothes off?
I've got a busted zipper.
Now would you mind
waiting outside...?
Let me see that.
I'm pretty good
at fixing zippers.
Oh, yeah.
Who taught you
about fixing zippers?
I worked at my uncle's Spic
and Span cleaners one summer.
Ah, and your uncle
taught you about zippers?
No, he kept telling
me my fly was open.
I had to teach myself.
Ah, I see what the problem is.
The zipper's teeth are clenched.
Huh?
Oh, uh, that's cleaners' talk
for, "It won't go up and down."
Ah, ah, ah.
Ah, there we are. ( gasps)
Oh, fabulous!
Thank you. You fixed
it. You amaze me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
but, but wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I want a reward first.
Okay, what do
you think it's worth?
Well, uh, what do you
say we go to the drive-in,
and you let me run amuck?
How about... I give
you a dollar instead?
All right. It's a deal.
Here, put your skirt on.
Okay.
Would you mind turning
around while I do this?
Just a minute. It'll
only take me a minute.
( mutters) Thank you, Squiggy.
You know, if I hurry, I
can still make the meeting.
Thanks again.
Hi, Lenny.
( singsongy): Tell me
all about it, Squiggy.
( singsongy): Tell you
all about what, Lenny?
( laughing)
Oh, don't kid me.
Aren't you the cool one, huh?
Boy, if I hadn't seen
it with my own eyes,
I never would've believed it.
My friend Squiggy
and Shirley Feeney
right here in the break room.
Oh, boy.
Wait till I tell
the other drivers.
Nah, nah, now don't
tell them anything.
Oh, I get it. You
don't like to brag, huh?
I love to brag.
Just think...
nobody's ever gotten
that far with Shirley before.
You're going to be a
hero, you know that?
I am? A hero?
Oh, more than a hero.
You're going to be a legend.
Gee, I never been
one of them before.
Well, you're gonna be one now.
Like Davy Crockett? Uh-huh.
But I ain't wearing no
dead animal on my head.
( man sings gentle tune)
( people shouting)
No. No fights. No fights.
No fights.
I don't like fights.
You understand that?
You know what I like?
Eaters, bowlers.
That's what I like.
If I catch you here again,
you'll be eating a bowling ball.
LAVERNE: We'll eat here tonight,
so that way neither
of us will have to cook.
All right.
Hi, Pop. Hi, sweetheart.
Hello.
Say hello.
( choking): Hello.
Why do you give everybody
this telephone number?
Well, sometimes
we're not home, so...
I've been taking
messages for Shirley all day.
12 fellows called you.
12 guys called me?
Well... it was really 13.
One guy... He didn't
leave a message.
He just was a heavy breather.
Here.
Here's the messages for you.
Excuse me, girls.
I got to introduce this
fellow to the gutter.
12 guys called me?
And they all want dates.
How come?
Robert Hoffman called me.
Mr. Hoffman, the vice president
in charge of public relations?
That really cute guy who says,
( lisps): "How you
doing, sweetheart.
It's nice to see you."?
He wants to take
me to dinner tonight.
I don't understand this.
I've been smiling at
Mr. Hoffman for eight months now,
and he hasn't even
given me a tumble.
Well, Laverne, my
way has finally paid off.
You see, we're like the
tortoise and the hare.
Which one am I?
You're the hare. Good.
No, no, no, not so good.
Not good? Not good.
You see, you like
to take shortcuts:
smiling, winking at Bobby.
While I... I, on the other hand,
am taking the slow
but steady route.
What route?
My morning grooming.
( groans)
Every morning I do 100
strokes with a nylon brush
to make my hair shiny
and more manageable.
Then I do my teeth.
I know, up and
down, up and down.
No, no, little
circles. No, no...
Little circles, little circles.
Yeah, yeah.
Thanks. Thank you.
Listen, maybe you can get
a date, and we can double.
Who could I call on
such short notice?
How about the new
guy in our building?
What new guy?
3B.
His name's Jerry. He's a writer.
He's single. He's 26,
and he hasn't even
said hello to me yet.
But he did grunt to me
once by the incinerator.
I went, "Heh, heh,"
and he went, "Ehh."
Now that's not bad.
Yeah, but it's not
12 guys calling me
in one day for dates.
Well, actually, 13.
Well, Laverne, I
wouldn't worry about it.
Your turn will come.
I better go get ready
for my date with Bobby.
One little tip, Laverne:
Part of being a good tortoise
is to learn to walk with style
and grace and elegance.
( woman sings gentle tune)
( knocking)
Who is it?
Uh, Jerry Callahan
from upstairs.
Jerry from upstairs.
Hold on.
( yells in pain)
Uh, I'll be right with
you, Jerry from upstairs.
Um... Just a
minute, just a minute.
Ew.
Believe me, it'll
be worth the wait.
Um... I'm just
getting off the phone.
Oh, yeah, Grandma, I'm fine.
Yeah, I'm eating good.
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm taller now.
Hi.
Hi.
Are you Miss "DeFayzio"
or Miss Feeney?
Uh, Miss DeFazio.
Laverne for short,
Vernie for shorter.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Jerry Callahan.
I live upstairs.
Yeah, we grunted to each
other at the incinerator.
That's right.
Come on in.
Thanks.
You got a nice place.
Thanks.
Uh, you're a writer, huh?
Yes. A novelist.
Want to sit?
Oh. Sure.
Thanks very much.
Yeah, I can hear your typewriter
clacking away at home.
It must be nice working at home,
then nobody knows
when you're late.
Yeah, but nobody
pays you either. Oh.
Actually, I'm looking
for some part-time work,
just to supplement my income.
Supplementing's nice.
Uh, have you tried
down at the brewery?
Yeah, as a matter of fact I
was down there this afternoon.
There may be an
opening in advertising.
Oh.
Want some sodie pop?
Sure.
By the way, is the Miss
Feeney who lives with you,
is she the same Shirley Feeney
who works at the brewery?
Yeah. Why?
She's very popular. Yeah.
Do you think she'd
go out with me?
You want me to put in
a good word for ya, ace?
Hey, yeah, would you, please?
I can't take this anymore.
Look, Jerry, I'm sorry,
but Shirley's
dated up till 1967.
Oh. Oh, yeah, well, I
guess that figures, huh?
It figures? Why does it figure?
Please tell me why that figures.
Why has Shirley all of a sudden
become everybody's
favorite date?
No, now look, that
just wouldn't be
very polite of me to say.
Say it.
You're not leaving
here until you tell me.
Oh, you're kidding.
No.
No, I'm... I'm far
beyond kidding now.
Uh, tell me.
Uh, well, when I was
out at the brewery, uh,
a lot of the guys said
that Shirley is what you
would call a... fun date.
A fun date?
Yeah, I just moved in here,
and I get very tense
from my typing,
and the guys at the brewery
did say that she was a fun date.
Shirley?
My Shirley who...?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I guess it wasn't very
gentlemanly of me to say that.
She told me that it was
her morning grooming.
I'll give her grooming.
Nice meeting you.
Oh, yeah... I'll see you around.
See you when we
both got garbage again.
Tortoise walk, my foot.
Yelling at me all these
years because I pet.
That phony.
Well, if it...
Well, if it...
Well, if it isn't Miss
Morning Grooming.
I was attacked.
My date jumped me.
No warning, just
one flying leap.
Well, that's Mr. Hoffman's
job, isn't it: public relations?
I don't think you understand.
He assaulted my personal being.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Men are such animals. Oh, my.
He drove into the woods
behind the brewery,
turned out the lights and said,
"Okay, sweetie, let's see
what all the excitement's about."
Needless to say, I walked home.
What made him think he could
get away with something like that?
He probably heard
what a fun date you are.
I know I'm fun.
But what made him think
he could get away
with something like that?
Oh, would you
come off it, Shirl?
Lying to me all these years,
Miss... Miss Passion Pit.
I ought to wash your
mouth out with soap!
I never lied to you
a day in my life.
Never? Never.
Cross your heart, hope to die,
stick a needle in your eye?
Cross my heart, hope to die,
stick a thousand
needles in my eye.
Well, then, ha-ha,
someone has been a victim
of a very strange rumor.
Will you speak English to me?
Well, Shirl, you think
you're like a tortoise.
I am like a tortoise...
slow and steady.
Yeah, well, all the
guys at the brewery think
you're more like a rabbit...
fast and friendly.
Me? They think that I... Mm-hmm.
That's the reason
they've been calling me?
I? Me?
Shirley "Wait Till the
Wedding Night" Feeney?
Have they gone mad?
Possibly.
What kind of an idiot would
start a rumor like that?!
Hey, how you doing, Laverne?
Oh, uh, we learned how to fire
the M-1 rifle today
in the Reserves.
I can see you did real good.
Not bad.
Uh, look, Lenny, I'm
trying to find out something.
You usually know all the
brewery gossip, don't you?
Smutty or regular?
Smutty.
Why do all the guys think
that Shirley is a pushover?
I don't know.
You don't? No.
Thanks anyway.
I mean, that's ridiculous.
Shirley's no pushover.
The only reason she
fools around with Squiggy
is 'cause she's crazy about him.
Sit down, Lenny.
Shirley is crazy about Squiggy?
I'll bet that's how
your rumor got started.
See, I told everybody
about Shirley and Squiggy,
and they might think
that Shirley would want
to fool around with
them, too, but she won't.
Shirley's in love.
Lenny, I think Squiggy
is pulling your leg.
I would've thought so, too,
except I saw it with
my own two eyes.
I had to choke back a blush.
Uh, Lenny, could you
leave me alone for a little bit?
I think I'm going to be sick.
Yeah, yeah, I think you're
just a little bit jealous.
That's all.
Stop that!
Do you want to
call attention to me?
Sorry. What are you doing here?
I thought you
wanted to stay home.
Oh, Laverne, the phone
has been ringing off the hook.
They're closing in on me.
The buzzards are
circling the apartment.
Uh, grab onto your seat, Shirl.
I got something...
I can't talk to you like that.
You look like Harpo Marx.
Get that off.
Look, now, there's
something I got to ask you
that might get you upset.
Hey, I'm all grown up.
Are you...? Oh,
I can't ask this.
Ask me. What is it?
Are you...?
( whispering)
What?
( whispering)
What?
Are you in love with Squiggy?
Now, Squiggy, you remember
the other afternoon when we
were in here alone together?
Sure. How could I forget it?
You still owe me a
buck for the zipper.
Why didn't you tell Lenny the
truth about what happened here?
I did tell him the
truth... sort of.
That "sort of" is
ruining my life.
Look, I didn't do
nothing to you...
Aha! Aha! You see?
That's just the point.
You didn't do nothing to me,
but the entire brewery
thinks that you did.
So? I'm learning
to live with it.
But, you see, it's
different for you.
You don't have a
reputation to protect.
What are you
talking about, Shirley?
For the first time in my
life, I got a reputation.
But it's a lie, Squiggy!
Well, that's not my fault!
ANNOUNCER: Your
attention, please.
Due to rain, the company
picnic this weekend
will be changed from Pfister
Park to Murray's house.
Oh, what's the matter?
You want me take
you to the picnic?
Squiggy!
You've got to tell people the
truth about what happened.
I can't tell 'em the truth.
I got my pride.
All right.
I've tried to reason with
you, but it's impossible.
You leave me no alternative
but to resort to brute force.
( chuckles)
How are you going to beat me up?
You're a girl.
Carmine Ragusa's a boy.
Yeah, but Carmine
Ragusa ain't here.
Hello.
No dice, huh?
Nope.
Well...
just let the Big
Ragoo take care of it.
I don't want to watch this.
I do.
I just remembered something.
I got a delivery to
make... to Canada.
Sit down, Squiggy.
We're going to have
a man-to-man talk.
Good to see you again, Carmine.
Nice shirt. Tight fit.
Shut up!
Now, look, Squiggy.
You've been saying things
about Shirley that are not very nice.
Now you're going to
tell the entire brewery
that what you said
about Shirley is not true.
You got that? Not true.
'Cause if you don't,
I'm going to have to make
you a very sad person.
Andrew Squigman fears nothing!
Except darkness.
So you can just rip out
my nose, pull out my ears.
You can even break off my arm.
I ain't talking!
CARMINE: Sure about that? Yeah.
Look, Squiggy, I
don't want to hurt you,
but I'm afraid I'm going
to have to break your arm.
In front of all these witnesses?
Hey, everybody, I'm
going to hurt this man.
Anybody care?
ALL: No!
Hey, wait a minute. I
thought I was popular.
That's what I
thought. Here it goes.
Wait, no, I can't stand it.
Don't do it, Carmine.
I give up. It's no use.
I've appealed to
his sense of fair play
and found that he has none.
Thank you.
I may as well resign myself
to living the rest of
my life in disgrace.
( sobbing) Oh, Angel Face.
Oh, it's so awful. I can't
believe this. Hey, come on.
Shut up. Don't cry.
It makes me nervous.
What's she crying for?
Ah, you broke her
heart, didn't you?
You broke off with it.
Love 'em and leave 'em.
Shut up, Lenny!
You don't even know
what you're talking about.
Yes, I do. I saw everything.
You saw nothing.
All he did was fix her zipper.
Squiggy's been lying
to you the whole time.
He made a fool out of you, too.
Were you lying to me?
Well, it's your fault!
All that talk about a legend
and wearing animals on my head.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Only you didn't
tell me it was a lie.
Me, the guy that taught
you how to siphon gas!
Well, I'm getting out of here.
You people make me stink!
Hey, get back here.
No, let him go.
I don't ever want
to see him again.
I don't either.
I am so disappointed in him.
Hey, Carmine, how'd you
like to be my new best friend?
Hey, Lenny? Hmm?
Get away from me.
Some best friend
you turned out to be.
ANNOUNCER:
Attention, all employees.
The brewery will be closed
on Mr. Shotz's birthday...
SQUIGGY: Excuse me,
sir, this is... this is serious.
Hello. This is Squiggy speaking.
There's been some
bad rumors going around
that-that just ain't true.
I never did nothing
with Shirley Feeney...
and I'm very grateful she
didn't have my head busted.
Thank you.
ANNOUNCER: Excuse me, is
that the same Shirley Feeney that...
SQUIGGY: Yes.
ANNOUNCER:
Attention, Shirley Feeney.
Our date this Tuesday
is canceled. Thank you.
SQUIGGY: While I'm at the mike,
there's something I've
always wanted to try.
ANNOUNCER: Well, I don't know...
SQUIGGY: No,
no... ♪ In the still ♪
♪ Still of the night ♪
♪ Darling, I held you ♪
♪ Shoo-doop, shoo-be-doop ♪
♪ Held you tight ♪
♪ Shoo-doop, shoo-be-whoa ♪
♪ In the still of the night ♪
♪ Shoo-doop, shoo-be-doop ♪
♪ Shoo-doop, shoo-be-doop... ♪
♪ When I was
just a little girl ♪
♪ I asked my mother... ♪
Okay, Stanley.
Mm-hmm. Good-bye.
♪ Will I be pretty?
Will I be rich? ♪
Well, I guess Squiggy's
announcement worked.
Guys have been calling
to cancel right and left.
You see how evil it is to
spread rumors, Laverne?
You see how you can
ruin a person's reputation?
Yeah. A guy with a
reputation is a hero.
A girl with a
reputation is a bimbo.
Just doesn't seem fair.
Well, who knows?
Maybe a hundred years from
now, all that will have changed.
Yeah. Wouldn't it be great
if nobody cared
about your reputation?
Think of all the
fun you could have.
Fun, Laverne?
Well... I hear it's fun.
Oh, really? From whom?
Someone you know.
It's Doris in bottle
capping, isn't it?
What did you hear?
Tell me everything.
Francine told me
that Doris went
out with this sailor...
Yeah? He takes her
aboard ship at midnight.
Yeah?
Look at us, Laverne.
I mean, here we are,
spreading rumors now.
Yeah.
But they ain't about us.
Right you are.
Doris and the sailor
board ship after midnight...
♪ ♪
( theme music plays)
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel ♪
♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ Give us any chance ♪
♪ We'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any rule ♪
♪ We'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
MAN ( over P.A.):
Your attention, please.
All workers must
report immediately
to the assembly
hall for a meeting.
That means everyone.
I'm going to be late.
I've got a busted
zipper. I have to fix it.
Why don't you do that
in the ladies' room?
Are you kidding?
It's out of order.
There are men with
plungers in there.
Hello.
( gasps)
I see London, I see
France, I see Shirley's...
Oh, no, you don't see anything.
Uh, Squiggy, why aren't
you at the meeting?
Well, they're loading up
my truck for a delivery,
and I just thought I'd
stop by the break room,
and, boy, what a break.
Hey, how come you're
taking your clothes off?
I've got a busted zipper.
Now would you mind
waiting outside...?
Let me see that.
I'm pretty good
at fixing zippers.
Oh, yeah.
Who taught you
about fixing zippers?
I worked at my uncle's Spic
and Span cleaners one summer.
Ah, and your uncle
taught you about zippers?
No, he kept telling
me my fly was open.
I had to teach myself.
Ah, I see what the problem is.
The zipper's teeth are clenched.
Huh?
Oh, uh, that's cleaners' talk
for, "It won't go up and down."
Ah, ah, ah.
Ah, there we are. ( gasps)
Oh, fabulous!
Thank you. You fixed
it. You amaze me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
but, but wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I want a reward first.
Okay, what do
you think it's worth?
Well, uh, what do you
say we go to the drive-in,
and you let me run amuck?
How about... I give
you a dollar instead?
All right. It's a deal.
Here, put your skirt on.
Okay.
Would you mind turning
around while I do this?
Just a minute. It'll
only take me a minute.
( mutters) Thank you, Squiggy.
You know, if I hurry, I
can still make the meeting.
Thanks again.
Hi, Lenny.
( singsongy): Tell me
all about it, Squiggy.
( singsongy): Tell you
all about what, Lenny?
( laughing)
Oh, don't kid me.
Aren't you the cool one, huh?
Boy, if I hadn't seen
it with my own eyes,
I never would've believed it.
My friend Squiggy
and Shirley Feeney
right here in the break room.
Oh, boy.
Wait till I tell
the other drivers.
Nah, nah, now don't
tell them anything.
Oh, I get it. You
don't like to brag, huh?
I love to brag.
Just think...
nobody's ever gotten
that far with Shirley before.
You're going to be a
hero, you know that?
I am? A hero?
Oh, more than a hero.
You're going to be a legend.
Gee, I never been
one of them before.
Well, you're gonna be one now.
Like Davy Crockett? Uh-huh.
But I ain't wearing no
dead animal on my head.
( man sings gentle tune)
( people shouting)
No. No fights. No fights.
No fights.
I don't like fights.
You understand that?
You know what I like?
Eaters, bowlers.
That's what I like.
If I catch you here again,
you'll be eating a bowling ball.
LAVERNE: We'll eat here tonight,
so that way neither
of us will have to cook.
All right.
Hi, Pop. Hi, sweetheart.
Hello.
Say hello.
( choking): Hello.
Why do you give everybody
this telephone number?
Well, sometimes
we're not home, so...
I've been taking
messages for Shirley all day.
12 fellows called you.
12 guys called me?
Well... it was really 13.
One guy... He didn't
leave a message.
He just was a heavy breather.
Here.
Here's the messages for you.
Excuse me, girls.
I got to introduce this
fellow to the gutter.
12 guys called me?
And they all want dates.
How come?
Robert Hoffman called me.
Mr. Hoffman, the vice president
in charge of public relations?
That really cute guy who says,
( lisps): "How you
doing, sweetheart.
It's nice to see you."?
He wants to take
me to dinner tonight.
I don't understand this.
I've been smiling at
Mr. Hoffman for eight months now,
and he hasn't even
given me a tumble.
Well, Laverne, my
way has finally paid off.
You see, we're like the
tortoise and the hare.
Which one am I?
You're the hare. Good.
No, no, no, not so good.
Not good? Not good.
You see, you like
to take shortcuts:
smiling, winking at Bobby.
While I... I, on the other hand,
am taking the slow
but steady route.
What route?
My morning grooming.
( groans)
Every morning I do 100
strokes with a nylon brush
to make my hair shiny
and more manageable.
Then I do my teeth.
I know, up and
down, up and down.
No, no, little
circles. No, no...
Little circles, little circles.
Yeah, yeah.
Thanks. Thank you.
Listen, maybe you can get
a date, and we can double.
Who could I call on
such short notice?
How about the new
guy in our building?
What new guy?
3B.
His name's Jerry. He's a writer.
He's single. He's 26,
and he hasn't even
said hello to me yet.
But he did grunt to me
once by the incinerator.
I went, "Heh, heh,"
and he went, "Ehh."
Now that's not bad.
Yeah, but it's not
12 guys calling me
in one day for dates.
Well, actually, 13.
Well, Laverne, I
wouldn't worry about it.
Your turn will come.
I better go get ready
for my date with Bobby.
One little tip, Laverne:
Part of being a good tortoise
is to learn to walk with style
and grace and elegance.
( woman sings gentle tune)
( knocking)
Who is it?
Uh, Jerry Callahan
from upstairs.
Jerry from upstairs.
Hold on.
( yells in pain)
Uh, I'll be right with
you, Jerry from upstairs.
Um... Just a
minute, just a minute.
Ew.
Believe me, it'll
be worth the wait.
Um... I'm just
getting off the phone.
Oh, yeah, Grandma, I'm fine.
Yeah, I'm eating good.
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm taller now.
Hi.
Hi.
Are you Miss "DeFayzio"
or Miss Feeney?
Uh, Miss DeFazio.
Laverne for short,
Vernie for shorter.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Jerry Callahan.
I live upstairs.
Yeah, we grunted to each
other at the incinerator.
That's right.
Come on in.
Thanks.
You got a nice place.
Thanks.
Uh, you're a writer, huh?
Yes. A novelist.
Want to sit?
Oh. Sure.
Thanks very much.
Yeah, I can hear your typewriter
clacking away at home.
It must be nice working at home,
then nobody knows
when you're late.
Yeah, but nobody
pays you either. Oh.
Actually, I'm looking
for some part-time work,
just to supplement my income.
Supplementing's nice.
Uh, have you tried
down at the brewery?
Yeah, as a matter of fact I
was down there this afternoon.
There may be an
opening in advertising.
Oh.
Want some sodie pop?
Sure.
By the way, is the Miss
Feeney who lives with you,
is she the same Shirley Feeney
who works at the brewery?
Yeah. Why?
She's very popular. Yeah.
Do you think she'd
go out with me?
You want me to put in
a good word for ya, ace?
Hey, yeah, would you, please?
I can't take this anymore.
Look, Jerry, I'm sorry,
but Shirley's
dated up till 1967.
Oh. Oh, yeah, well, I
guess that figures, huh?
It figures? Why does it figure?
Please tell me why that figures.
Why has Shirley all of a sudden
become everybody's
favorite date?
No, now look, that
just wouldn't be
very polite of me to say.
Say it.
You're not leaving
here until you tell me.
Oh, you're kidding.
No.
No, I'm... I'm far
beyond kidding now.
Uh, tell me.
Uh, well, when I was
out at the brewery, uh,
a lot of the guys said
that Shirley is what you
would call a... fun date.
A fun date?
Yeah, I just moved in here,
and I get very tense
from my typing,
and the guys at the brewery
did say that she was a fun date.
Shirley?
My Shirley who...?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I guess it wasn't very
gentlemanly of me to say that.
She told me that it was
her morning grooming.
I'll give her grooming.
Nice meeting you.
Oh, yeah... I'll see you around.
See you when we
both got garbage again.
Tortoise walk, my foot.
Yelling at me all these
years because I pet.
That phony.
Well, if it...
Well, if it...
Well, if it isn't Miss
Morning Grooming.
I was attacked.
My date jumped me.
No warning, just
one flying leap.
Well, that's Mr. Hoffman's
job, isn't it: public relations?
I don't think you understand.
He assaulted my personal being.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Men are such animals. Oh, my.
He drove into the woods
behind the brewery,
turned out the lights and said,
"Okay, sweetie, let's see
what all the excitement's about."
Needless to say, I walked home.
What made him think he could
get away with something like that?
He probably heard
what a fun date you are.
I know I'm fun.
But what made him think
he could get away
with something like that?
Oh, would you
come off it, Shirl?
Lying to me all these years,
Miss... Miss Passion Pit.
I ought to wash your
mouth out with soap!
I never lied to you
a day in my life.
Never? Never.
Cross your heart, hope to die,
stick a needle in your eye?
Cross my heart, hope to die,
stick a thousand
needles in my eye.
Well, then, ha-ha,
someone has been a victim
of a very strange rumor.
Will you speak English to me?
Well, Shirl, you think
you're like a tortoise.
I am like a tortoise...
slow and steady.
Yeah, well, all the
guys at the brewery think
you're more like a rabbit...
fast and friendly.
Me? They think that I... Mm-hmm.
That's the reason
they've been calling me?
I? Me?
Shirley "Wait Till the
Wedding Night" Feeney?
Have they gone mad?
Possibly.
What kind of an idiot would
start a rumor like that?!
Hey, how you doing, Laverne?
Oh, uh, we learned how to fire
the M-1 rifle today
in the Reserves.
I can see you did real good.
Not bad.
Uh, look, Lenny, I'm
trying to find out something.
You usually know all the
brewery gossip, don't you?
Smutty or regular?
Smutty.
Why do all the guys think
that Shirley is a pushover?
I don't know.
You don't? No.
Thanks anyway.
I mean, that's ridiculous.
Shirley's no pushover.
The only reason she
fools around with Squiggy
is 'cause she's crazy about him.
Sit down, Lenny.
Shirley is crazy about Squiggy?
I'll bet that's how
your rumor got started.
See, I told everybody
about Shirley and Squiggy,
and they might think
that Shirley would want
to fool around with
them, too, but she won't.
Shirley's in love.
Lenny, I think Squiggy
is pulling your leg.
I would've thought so, too,
except I saw it with
my own two eyes.
I had to choke back a blush.
Uh, Lenny, could you
leave me alone for a little bit?
I think I'm going to be sick.
Yeah, yeah, I think you're
just a little bit jealous.
That's all.
Stop that!
Do you want to
call attention to me?
Sorry. What are you doing here?
I thought you
wanted to stay home.
Oh, Laverne, the phone
has been ringing off the hook.
They're closing in on me.
The buzzards are
circling the apartment.
Uh, grab onto your seat, Shirl.
I got something...
I can't talk to you like that.
You look like Harpo Marx.
Get that off.
Look, now, there's
something I got to ask you
that might get you upset.
Hey, I'm all grown up.
Are you...? Oh,
I can't ask this.
Ask me. What is it?
Are you...?
( whispering)
What?
( whispering)
What?
Are you in love with Squiggy?
Now, Squiggy, you remember
the other afternoon when we
were in here alone together?
Sure. How could I forget it?
You still owe me a
buck for the zipper.
Why didn't you tell Lenny the
truth about what happened here?
I did tell him the
truth... sort of.
That "sort of" is
ruining my life.
Look, I didn't do
nothing to you...
Aha! Aha! You see?
That's just the point.
You didn't do nothing to me,
but the entire brewery
thinks that you did.
So? I'm learning
to live with it.
But, you see, it's
different for you.
You don't have a
reputation to protect.
What are you
talking about, Shirley?
For the first time in my
life, I got a reputation.
But it's a lie, Squiggy!
Well, that's not my fault!
ANNOUNCER: Your
attention, please.
Due to rain, the company
picnic this weekend
will be changed from Pfister
Park to Murray's house.
Oh, what's the matter?
You want me take
you to the picnic?
Squiggy!
You've got to tell people the
truth about what happened.
I can't tell 'em the truth.
I got my pride.
All right.
I've tried to reason with
you, but it's impossible.
You leave me no alternative
but to resort to brute force.
( chuckles)
How are you going to beat me up?
You're a girl.
Carmine Ragusa's a boy.
Yeah, but Carmine
Ragusa ain't here.
Hello.
No dice, huh?
Nope.
Well...
just let the Big
Ragoo take care of it.
I don't want to watch this.
I do.
I just remembered something.
I got a delivery to
make... to Canada.
Sit down, Squiggy.
We're going to have
a man-to-man talk.
Good to see you again, Carmine.
Nice shirt. Tight fit.
Shut up!
Now, look, Squiggy.
You've been saying things
about Shirley that are not very nice.
Now you're going to
tell the entire brewery
that what you said
about Shirley is not true.
You got that? Not true.
'Cause if you don't,
I'm going to have to make
you a very sad person.
Andrew Squigman fears nothing!
Except darkness.
So you can just rip out
my nose, pull out my ears.
You can even break off my arm.
I ain't talking!
CARMINE: Sure about that? Yeah.
Look, Squiggy, I
don't want to hurt you,
but I'm afraid I'm going
to have to break your arm.
In front of all these witnesses?
Hey, everybody, I'm
going to hurt this man.
Anybody care?
ALL: No!
Hey, wait a minute. I
thought I was popular.
That's what I
thought. Here it goes.
Wait, no, I can't stand it.
Don't do it, Carmine.
I give up. It's no use.
I've appealed to
his sense of fair play
and found that he has none.
Thank you.
I may as well resign myself
to living the rest of
my life in disgrace.
( sobbing) Oh, Angel Face.
Oh, it's so awful. I can't
believe this. Hey, come on.
Shut up. Don't cry.
It makes me nervous.
What's she crying for?
Ah, you broke her
heart, didn't you?
You broke off with it.
Love 'em and leave 'em.
Shut up, Lenny!
You don't even know
what you're talking about.
Yes, I do. I saw everything.
You saw nothing.
All he did was fix her zipper.
Squiggy's been lying
to you the whole time.
He made a fool out of you, too.
Were you lying to me?
Well, it's your fault!
All that talk about a legend
and wearing animals on my head.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Only you didn't
tell me it was a lie.
Me, the guy that taught
you how to siphon gas!
Well, I'm getting out of here.
You people make me stink!
Hey, get back here.
No, let him go.
I don't ever want
to see him again.
I don't either.
I am so disappointed in him.
Hey, Carmine, how'd you
like to be my new best friend?
Hey, Lenny? Hmm?
Get away from me.
Some best friend
you turned out to be.
ANNOUNCER:
Attention, all employees.
The brewery will be closed
on Mr. Shotz's birthday...
SQUIGGY: Excuse me,
sir, this is... this is serious.
Hello. This is Squiggy speaking.
There's been some
bad rumors going around
that-that just ain't true.
I never did nothing
with Shirley Feeney...
and I'm very grateful she
didn't have my head busted.
Thank you.
ANNOUNCER: Excuse me, is
that the same Shirley Feeney that...
SQUIGGY: Yes.
ANNOUNCER:
Attention, Shirley Feeney.
Our date this Tuesday
is canceled. Thank you.
SQUIGGY: While I'm at the mike,
there's something I've
always wanted to try.
ANNOUNCER: Well, I don't know...
SQUIGGY: No,
no... ♪ In the still ♪
♪ Still of the night ♪
♪ Darling, I held you ♪
♪ Shoo-doop, shoo-be-doop ♪
♪ Held you tight ♪
♪ Shoo-doop, shoo-be-whoa ♪
♪ In the still of the night ♪
♪ Shoo-doop, shoo-be-doop ♪
♪ Shoo-doop, shoo-be-doop... ♪
♪ When I was
just a little girl ♪
♪ I asked my mother... ♪
Okay, Stanley.
Mm-hmm. Good-bye.
♪ Will I be pretty?
Will I be rich? ♪
Well, I guess Squiggy's
announcement worked.
Guys have been calling
to cancel right and left.
You see how evil it is to
spread rumors, Laverne?
You see how you can
ruin a person's reputation?
Yeah. A guy with a
reputation is a hero.
A girl with a
reputation is a bimbo.
Just doesn't seem fair.
Well, who knows?
Maybe a hundred years from
now, all that will have changed.
Yeah. Wouldn't it be great
if nobody cared
about your reputation?
Think of all the
fun you could have.
Fun, Laverne?
Well... I hear it's fun.
Oh, really? From whom?
Someone you know.
It's Doris in bottle
capping, isn't it?
What did you hear?
Tell me everything.
Francine told me
that Doris went
out with this sailor...
Yeah? He takes her
aboard ship at midnight.
Yeah?
Look at us, Laverne.
I mean, here we are,
spreading rumors now.
Yeah.
But they ain't about us.
Right you are.
Doris and the sailor
board ship after midnight...
♪ ♪
( theme music plays)
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪