Last of the Summer Wine (1973–2010): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Changing Face of Rural Blamire - full transcript
Charming view.
Sort of...boring.
Nearly sickly enough for a postcard.
If I were a painter, I'd paint that.
Oh, yes? What colour, eh?
Great daubs of "Up Leeds United"?
How about "Welshmen, go home"?
No, you can't send them home.
They only get mistreated
if they can't speak Welsh.
What this view lacks is
a few factory chimneys.
Then perhaps there'd be some work
for our kind. Nature lover(!)
You try speaking for yourself.
Some of us are idle enough to
still appreciate things like this.
Any road, if that were all built up,
where could I exercise my ferrets?
You'd think a sensible nation
could ferret out a few jobs
for those that want to work.
And especially a few
for those who don't.
I think Cyril's depressed.
It's easily done.
Some of us look at a view like this
and all we can see is
how bonnie it is.
But if you're really in tune with
nature, if you concentrate and
listen, then soon, faintly on
the breeze, you begin to sense
the million munching teeth
of tiny things
scoffing even tinier things.
Depression could be
a sort of major art form.
There's so much raw material
going for it.
I take it for granted that there's
very little in the employment line
that is suitable for
my status and experience.
I think I fancy Godwin's Lass.
Nowadays there's not even much
that's unsuitable.
Who's this female he fancies,
Godwin's lass?
She's an 'orse!
They always are, your kind.
Why can't you ever pick something
with a nice face?
I'm sick and fed up
of applying by letter.
You get nowhere by post.
Nearly as bad as the bus service.
She's running in the 2:30 with
Lester Piggott on her back.
There you are, that's what I mean.
It sounds exactly like all your other
women - strong, but a bit peculiar.
Next job I apply for, I'm going
round in person and I shall
look them straight in the face.
No, that's no good these days.
You've got to learn how to creep.
All right then,
I'll look them straight in the...
Oh, no, I won't!
I ought to be able to get a job
on my merits without
resorting to lick-spitting.
What do you want a job for?
There you are, you see?
He genuinely does not know.
You've got your pension, that money
in the bank, then you've got that
insurance... All right, all right!
I didn't call for a detailed audit.
Good God!
For somebody who's supposed to be
thick, he's a powerful grasp
of my private affairs.
Who said I was thick?
Nearly everybody.
Oh.
I used to go about with Audrey
Monks. She didn't look like a horse.
More of a pony,
but then you were only 11.
Audrey Monks?
Blonde hair, blue eyes.
Had about eight stitches
on her chin.
I remember, a bit of a tomboy.
Ah, she were brilliant
with a catapult.
Didn't she once bite
the senior mistress?
Ah! She had lovely teeth! 11.
She had more than 11!
11 years of age, I was about to say,
when I was so rudely interrupted.
So I should think.
She only lost about eight.
Seems just incredible that
we were ever 11 years of age.
And she lost four of them
when she fell off that thing
at the safety exhibition.
When she used to smile after that,
bless her, it was like
looking through a turnstile.
Ah, makes me sad sometimes
when I think back.
You know, when I was 11 years of
age, I wanted to be a fighter pilot.
Of course they were all
double-wingers then.
Now they're all one.
There's progress for you.
It's just another word
for saving materials.
Hey, what did you want to be at 11?
Heavy smoker.
Good morning, young lady. I would
like to see your personnel manager.
Have you got an appointment?
No, not exactly.
Well, you can't then.
So much for looking them
straight in the eye.
Excuse me, miss, but why
don't you stop practising
all that charm and just nip through
and ask him if he'll see this
gentleman for just two minutes?
You don't know what you're missing.
He actually likes work.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
It's the same response everywhere.
Brings a twitch to you war wounds.
It does matter. If it's a vacancy
you're after, you'll have to fill
in the standard application forms...
Two minutes.
..and leave them with us,
together with the telephone numbers
of two referees. After which, you
will be contacted...if necessary.
Two minutes, during which he can,
if he likes, continue venerating a
photograph of the managing director.
He's got his pension, he won't
want much wages. He's crackers.
He'll make an ideal worker.
I do not know these people.
I was merely foolish enough to
drop something in their caps
on the street.
Well, I suggest you all clear off
and try the labour exchange.
If you don't mind my saying so, miss,
I think you're a bit wasted here.
You ought to be out tending
the dying with a whip.
As a final inducement for you,
let me introduce my friend.
He used to be the
Huddersfield Strangler,
but now he's out on probation.
Grr! Agh!
How embarrassing can you get, eh?
You've set me off to
a right first impression.
What's she going to tell him?
"There's a bloke out there
with the Huddersfield Strangler
who's looking for a job."
I have never felt
so humiliated in my life.
Come on. Yes, you have.
What about that time when we left
you holding Mrs Jack Holbury?
Don't remind me.
She shouldn't have been up there
in the first place, a woman of
her impressive physique.
It's all very well stopping them
falling, but I never know
where to put my hands.
In your pocket. Pay for the teas.
Her centre of gravity was all wrong.
Ah, but it were cuddly,
though, weren't it?
And I seem to remember a time
when you were exposed without
your trousers in the men's department
of JW Mulcaster & Sons.
Only because he did something
unmentionable in the fitting room.
Well, he'd been in there
half an hour.
How long does it take to
buy a pair of trousers?
How long does it take? How long?
Here, look at these, look at them.
It'd take me a long time before
I bought a pair like that.
I'll admit they're going a bit
here and there. Here and there?
If I look through here, I can see
everything that's there.
I wouldn't be surprised if that isn't
the exact same movement whereby
Salome used to inflame King Herod.
He'd be inflamed all right
if he clapped eyes on that
trotting round the palace.
It's bingo now. What is bingo now?
The Palace. They closed it right
down after The Vicar And The Virgin.
Not that Palace! It were Double X
the last week I were there.
You were there all week?!
No, you daft pillock,
just the last performance.
The other film was Swedish.
It would be, wouldn't it?
I can't remember
what it were called.
But it were about this lumberjack
who had a big chopper.
And he were going to chop
this bird's tree down so she tied
herself to it with nowt on.
So he went and had a go
at this big horse chestnut.
Well, you would. It happens all
the time in the Forestry Commission.
She said something to him
in Swedish.
He nearly missed his stroke,
nearly took off his foot.
I don't know what it was she said.
It had sub-tittles.
It had what? Sub-tittles!
And they were right down
the bottom of the screen.
I hadn't paid my money to come in
and watch them, not when there was
this daft bird jack naked,
tied there to this
clouting great tree. Cor!
Sub-tittles! And they were right
down at the bottom of the screen.
Ah! This must be it, over t'shop.
Is that what it says in your paper?
No, all it says in the paper is,
"Are you dynamic, ambitious,
a real goer?
"Want to earn 4,000 a year?
"No experience necessary.
"Apply, 14, Condron Street,
Mr Green."
It doesn't look as though
they've got 4,000 quid.
All right, don't knock it
just because it's not got
a lot of flash executive top show.
No, that's true. They don't go in for
a lot of flash executive top show.
What do I want it for? Work it out.
You're dynamic,
ambitious, a real goer.
Oh, I shouldn't bother to
wipe your hands for this mob.
That's tidy enough.
Wait for me, I'll meet you...
No, we're coming in with you.
Listen, this could be
my last chance for a shot at
the top executive suite.
Don't be a little pig. They're
looking for more than one real goer.
You're not the only one who
wants to earn 4,000 quid a year.
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
Well, I tell you, Harry,
I don't care.
Listen, a deal's a deal.
I asked for 100,000,
I want 100,000, not 750.
I want to flood the market, not
piddle about with it a squirt at a
time. I'll be with you in a minute.
Don't give me that, Harry,
we've all got production problems.
Do you think I don't know,
that my people don't need
a boot up the tail occasionally?
Why do you think I closed
the Enfield factory? A load of bums.
Listen, you'll have to
deal with it, Harry.
I've got some people here. Yes, but
get your priorities right, boyo.
Just remember who
your biggest customers are.
You look after me and ICI and let
the small stuff take its chances.
Dog eat dog,
that's how it is at the top.
Think about it and march
straight out of that door, boys,
if you can't handle it.
I'll tell you what. I'm going to
turn my back on you now
and I'm going to count up to ten,
and if you're still there
when I turn round again,
it means that you're telling me
that you are aggressive,
action-packed go-getters full of
zap, powee and kaboom.
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Welcome aboard, boys.
You've made the right decision.
Welcome aboard
the good ship Prosperity
under the flag of Shinyglow.
That's the magic word, boys -
Shinyglow.
It'll transport you like a magic
carpet into a world of limousines,
tax avoidance and yachts.
You are about to achieve
your goals in life.
We've all got goals in life,
get-up-and-goers like us.
Come on, come on, tell me, tell me.
Tell old Greeny, you sales adviser,
leader and friend - what are we
seeking to snatch from life?
Well, I was hoping to find some sort
of contributory pension scheme.
I thought I'd better ask for
a bit more zap, powee and kaboom -
especially kaboom.
Well, you see, I've got this back,
so I hope that work's not
too heavy, like, you know?
Well, you show promise.
My instinct's telling me to give
you a chance. Now, sit down, boys.
We don't stand on ceremony
here at Shinyglow.
That's it, boys,
show your initiative.
You'll have to excuse
my temporary premises,
but I've got the architects in
at my prestige office block,
and I find it best to keep out of
the way with all those architects -
they're like a load of delicate
Maureens whispering about the place!
Our Barry's youngest went for
a draughtsman.
Oh, yes? Aye. He can draw you a plan
of a garage if you ever want one.
I'll remember that.
Or a conservatory.
It don't have to be a garage.
Versatile, is he?
Well, so are we at Shinyglow.
There's no such thing as sales
resistance, only bad salesmanship.
That's our motto,
the Shinyglow motto.
Or a shed. You know,
I think he can draw a shed.
Will you keep quiet?!
I wish you wouldn't keep rabbiting
on about your Barry's youngest.
We know he made the grade
educationally, but look at
the advantages he had.
All those small
private classes at borstal.
Sorry about that, Mr Green.
Oh, that's all right.
It's never been part of
the Oswald Green method to stifle
discussion. Unless, of course,
they're customers, in which case
prudence dictates that they ought
never to get a word in edgeways!
Now, remember that. Your first
free gem of sales wisdom from
the lips of Oswald Green.
Don't write it down,
keep it in here.
You stick with me, and I'll
send you out on the streets
as sharp as razors.
You'll be able to slice through
all resistance.
You'll have Shinyglow get up and go.
What will you have?
Come on, come on, tell me, tell me.
Shine and get up. ..and go.
And kaboom.
That's it, that's what you'll have.
This is your promise from
Oswald P. Green.
Well, this is it, boys...
The product.
Here, handle it, go on.
Feel it. How does that grab you?
Right weight, right place,
a revolutionary new aerosol cleaner
guaranteed to put
the sparkle back in anything,
even your mother's smile.
Use that if you like, lads.
Another free gem from Oswald Green.
It's rusty.
I told you it was revolutionary.
Now let me tell you
what makes a thing sell.
Image, clear product identity.
You stick that little beauty on the
shelf, and forget the competition.
The housewife can spot
Shinyglow anywhere.
She knows that we at Shinyglow
haven't wasted her money
tarting up the package,
but we've put value
where it counts, inside the can!
Back you go.
Back you go. Go on, go on.
Not on the pavement,
not on the pavement!
Why doesn't he
take it into the house?
Now cast off. To the left,
to the left, you fool! Come on!
ENGINE STOPS
This van,
let me tell you, is slap bang
in line with the Shinyglow image.
And so is your driving.
It's exciting watching you
stirring about, looking for a gear
and wondering which one
you're going to find.
He's had my leg in neutral twice.
Come on, let's have a fag before
we start. Well, get 'em out, then.
Oh, I will, I will, as soon as
I've sold my first gross
of these squirters.
Here...
He's a great talker, is Green.
We must be crackers.
It's work, isn't it?
We've got to establish ourselves
any way we can.
Yeah, I don't go much
on that "no pay, just commission".
Ta. That's quite usual
in the selling field.
It means that we're more
or less self-employed.
Yeah, if we don't sell any
we'll be unemployed.
'Ey up, where's all
the Shinyglow get up and go?
It got up and went.
Now, come along. We've got to
start taking this seriously.
If we make a success of this
we could be launched
on a second career,
or in some cases a first career.
Come on, shape yourselves.
We've got to get the hang of these.
And remember,
all the value is in the can.
Aye, it looks as though
it's going to stay in there an' all.
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
There, then,
I've got the knack of it.
You just have to
wobble the plunger a bit.
There you are, you see?
One has to think positively.
This stuff polishes anything.
It must be very inferior paint.
Accidental chemical reaction!
One in a million.
There we are.
For goodness' sake,
now what's the matter?
Nothing, nothing, it's just nerves.
You know how it is. When you're on
the verge of an important new step,
the world seems changed.
Everything suddenly looks different!
Well, pull yourselves together.
Now, you conquer that side of
the street and I'll conquer this.
Good morning, madam. I'd like to
introduce you to Shinyglow, which...
Good morning, Madam!
I'd like to introduce you...
Good morning, madam... Aaargh!
What are you doing, then, eh?
Gossipy lot.
We were just explaining to Sid that
we're back among the great employed.
Very temporarily,
unless we start selling something.
I can't understand it.
A van full of blasted aerosols,
me full of personality,
we haven't sold one. Not one.
It's him.
I know what it is. It's him.
They see him in the street,
dressed like that. Like what?
Dressed as if for an accident
under a tram.
They look straight past me
and see him. Mobile disaster area.
No wonder they keep slamming doors.
You've not put that stuff away,
I see!
But I am not going to lose
my temper.
We are doing no good going through
life yelling at one another.
Don't you feel very well?
I never felt better.
I've been talking to
Mrs Brocklesby about eternal peace.
Are you going to give me some?
You can scoff if you like
but she's found great consolation
since her Harold went.
Aye, his insurance.
She practises meditation
and deep breathing.
And she isn't afraid of dying.
And she's going to take me to a lady
in Retford Street who's in touch
with an angel called Kathleen.
Can you call in at Abercrombie's
on the way back?
We're running short of crisps.
You can try, but you will not
provoke me into raising my voice.
It is possible, you know,
with a little imagination,
to appreciate the superior virtue
of calm and the spirit of peace.
My yelling days are...
Aaaaahh!
Are just about
to begin, you useless hooligan!
If you've no more brains than to go
piddling about painting the faces
of your perishing friends!
I can't even get in to resign. Maybe
just as well. He'd charge for it.
Well, lock the van and put
the key through the letterbox.
He'll get the message. I bet his
salesmen are always doing it.
We could squirt the door with
Shinyglow and burn it down.
I've spoken my last
of the Shinyglow, thank you.
All right, one more then, only.
I've had an exhausting day and
I'm going to have an early night.
I shall lay down, pat cream on me
face, have 10 hours' sleep
and pray
that when I wake in the morning,
my face hasn't melted away.
Well, have you had enough,
has it cured thee? Cured me?
Of the restless urge for employment?
No, it has not. Oh, well.
It has merely whet the appetite.
Aye, you nearly wet your
britches an' all when you
saw your face, didn't ya?
I admit that incident was unusual
but it's not typical.
Even today, there were moments when
I felt the blood beginning to surge.
Ay, I know, it's his driving,
it made my guts go wobbly an' all.
I don't believe I've
ever seen you nosh.
It's my fundamental belief that
you've got unshakeable innards.
Aye, and wicked eyes.
You know, I could get the feeling
for salesmanship.
Lots of them do, but you're
better off with the money.
If I had the product, I could sell.
What for? We're all right as we are.
What, redundant?
Well, we have a giggle.
We get about a bit. Killing time, eh?
You don't have to kill it
all the time, you can use it as well.
What for? Looking for the key,
if you like. What key?
To why the Almighty won't have
any truck with comprehensives
but still insists on streaming,
that sort of key. To the universe.
Why, did somebody lose it?
You read the papers.
It makes you think so.
Are we going to have a trot up the
hill tomorrow if it's a nice day?
We are not. I am trotting without
reason round no more hills.
I'm going to find meself a job
in the selling profession.
Oh, God, here we go again.
You lot give up too easily.
Farewell, unemployment
and former friends.
Proud blood, the Blamires.
Ah, his mum were crackers and all.
Hey. here it is, then.
Vacancy. Wanted,
live salesman for painting trade.
They also have dead ones?
Top class opportunity for keen,
ambitious man. Apply personally.
Room 14, Red Lion Hotel.
I've got experience now, you know.
I can honestly tell them
that I used to work for Shinyglow.
Yeah, but I wouldn't say it as loud
as that. More like, "I used to work
for... QUIETLY: Shinyglow."
And you can tell them you'll do
anything for a sale,
even paint your face.
The sky is the limit, boyo.
You get all the resources of Stripo
behind you, and that's
a multi-million international deal,
on top of which, look what you get
for a product.
This little beauty. The finest
paint remover in an aerosol can.
It's going to revolutionise
the paint trade.
Just get the last
few bugs out of this.
You'll get used to
unemployment, I promise thee. I did.
Ah, but then you had a flair for it.
That's true.
It must be a gift.
Oh, shut up and go
to sleep, you two.
You're like a pair of
matching motor horns.
You wanted to waste time,
all right, we'll waste time.
I found you a quiet spot. Enjoy it.
Cyril, could I ask you something?
What is it now?
Could you tell me why we're
lying on this ant's nest?
Sort of...boring.
Nearly sickly enough for a postcard.
If I were a painter, I'd paint that.
Oh, yes? What colour, eh?
Great daubs of "Up Leeds United"?
How about "Welshmen, go home"?
No, you can't send them home.
They only get mistreated
if they can't speak Welsh.
What this view lacks is
a few factory chimneys.
Then perhaps there'd be some work
for our kind. Nature lover(!)
You try speaking for yourself.
Some of us are idle enough to
still appreciate things like this.
Any road, if that were all built up,
where could I exercise my ferrets?
You'd think a sensible nation
could ferret out a few jobs
for those that want to work.
And especially a few
for those who don't.
I think Cyril's depressed.
It's easily done.
Some of us look at a view like this
and all we can see is
how bonnie it is.
But if you're really in tune with
nature, if you concentrate and
listen, then soon, faintly on
the breeze, you begin to sense
the million munching teeth
of tiny things
scoffing even tinier things.
Depression could be
a sort of major art form.
There's so much raw material
going for it.
I take it for granted that there's
very little in the employment line
that is suitable for
my status and experience.
I think I fancy Godwin's Lass.
Nowadays there's not even much
that's unsuitable.
Who's this female he fancies,
Godwin's lass?
She's an 'orse!
They always are, your kind.
Why can't you ever pick something
with a nice face?
I'm sick and fed up
of applying by letter.
You get nowhere by post.
Nearly as bad as the bus service.
She's running in the 2:30 with
Lester Piggott on her back.
There you are, that's what I mean.
It sounds exactly like all your other
women - strong, but a bit peculiar.
Next job I apply for, I'm going
round in person and I shall
look them straight in the face.
No, that's no good these days.
You've got to learn how to creep.
All right then,
I'll look them straight in the...
Oh, no, I won't!
I ought to be able to get a job
on my merits without
resorting to lick-spitting.
What do you want a job for?
There you are, you see?
He genuinely does not know.
You've got your pension, that money
in the bank, then you've got that
insurance... All right, all right!
I didn't call for a detailed audit.
Good God!
For somebody who's supposed to be
thick, he's a powerful grasp
of my private affairs.
Who said I was thick?
Nearly everybody.
Oh.
I used to go about with Audrey
Monks. She didn't look like a horse.
More of a pony,
but then you were only 11.
Audrey Monks?
Blonde hair, blue eyes.
Had about eight stitches
on her chin.
I remember, a bit of a tomboy.
Ah, she were brilliant
with a catapult.
Didn't she once bite
the senior mistress?
Ah! She had lovely teeth! 11.
She had more than 11!
11 years of age, I was about to say,
when I was so rudely interrupted.
So I should think.
She only lost about eight.
Seems just incredible that
we were ever 11 years of age.
And she lost four of them
when she fell off that thing
at the safety exhibition.
When she used to smile after that,
bless her, it was like
looking through a turnstile.
Ah, makes me sad sometimes
when I think back.
You know, when I was 11 years of
age, I wanted to be a fighter pilot.
Of course they were all
double-wingers then.
Now they're all one.
There's progress for you.
It's just another word
for saving materials.
Hey, what did you want to be at 11?
Heavy smoker.
Good morning, young lady. I would
like to see your personnel manager.
Have you got an appointment?
No, not exactly.
Well, you can't then.
So much for looking them
straight in the eye.
Excuse me, miss, but why
don't you stop practising
all that charm and just nip through
and ask him if he'll see this
gentleman for just two minutes?
You don't know what you're missing.
He actually likes work.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
It's the same response everywhere.
Brings a twitch to you war wounds.
It does matter. If it's a vacancy
you're after, you'll have to fill
in the standard application forms...
Two minutes.
..and leave them with us,
together with the telephone numbers
of two referees. After which, you
will be contacted...if necessary.
Two minutes, during which he can,
if he likes, continue venerating a
photograph of the managing director.
He's got his pension, he won't
want much wages. He's crackers.
He'll make an ideal worker.
I do not know these people.
I was merely foolish enough to
drop something in their caps
on the street.
Well, I suggest you all clear off
and try the labour exchange.
If you don't mind my saying so, miss,
I think you're a bit wasted here.
You ought to be out tending
the dying with a whip.
As a final inducement for you,
let me introduce my friend.
He used to be the
Huddersfield Strangler,
but now he's out on probation.
Grr! Agh!
How embarrassing can you get, eh?
You've set me off to
a right first impression.
What's she going to tell him?
"There's a bloke out there
with the Huddersfield Strangler
who's looking for a job."
I have never felt
so humiliated in my life.
Come on. Yes, you have.
What about that time when we left
you holding Mrs Jack Holbury?
Don't remind me.
She shouldn't have been up there
in the first place, a woman of
her impressive physique.
It's all very well stopping them
falling, but I never know
where to put my hands.
In your pocket. Pay for the teas.
Her centre of gravity was all wrong.
Ah, but it were cuddly,
though, weren't it?
And I seem to remember a time
when you were exposed without
your trousers in the men's department
of JW Mulcaster & Sons.
Only because he did something
unmentionable in the fitting room.
Well, he'd been in there
half an hour.
How long does it take to
buy a pair of trousers?
How long does it take? How long?
Here, look at these, look at them.
It'd take me a long time before
I bought a pair like that.
I'll admit they're going a bit
here and there. Here and there?
If I look through here, I can see
everything that's there.
I wouldn't be surprised if that isn't
the exact same movement whereby
Salome used to inflame King Herod.
He'd be inflamed all right
if he clapped eyes on that
trotting round the palace.
It's bingo now. What is bingo now?
The Palace. They closed it right
down after The Vicar And The Virgin.
Not that Palace! It were Double X
the last week I were there.
You were there all week?!
No, you daft pillock,
just the last performance.
The other film was Swedish.
It would be, wouldn't it?
I can't remember
what it were called.
But it were about this lumberjack
who had a big chopper.
And he were going to chop
this bird's tree down so she tied
herself to it with nowt on.
So he went and had a go
at this big horse chestnut.
Well, you would. It happens all
the time in the Forestry Commission.
She said something to him
in Swedish.
He nearly missed his stroke,
nearly took off his foot.
I don't know what it was she said.
It had sub-tittles.
It had what? Sub-tittles!
And they were right down
the bottom of the screen.
I hadn't paid my money to come in
and watch them, not when there was
this daft bird jack naked,
tied there to this
clouting great tree. Cor!
Sub-tittles! And they were right
down at the bottom of the screen.
Ah! This must be it, over t'shop.
Is that what it says in your paper?
No, all it says in the paper is,
"Are you dynamic, ambitious,
a real goer?
"Want to earn 4,000 a year?
"No experience necessary.
"Apply, 14, Condron Street,
Mr Green."
It doesn't look as though
they've got 4,000 quid.
All right, don't knock it
just because it's not got
a lot of flash executive top show.
No, that's true. They don't go in for
a lot of flash executive top show.
What do I want it for? Work it out.
You're dynamic,
ambitious, a real goer.
Oh, I shouldn't bother to
wipe your hands for this mob.
That's tidy enough.
Wait for me, I'll meet you...
No, we're coming in with you.
Listen, this could be
my last chance for a shot at
the top executive suite.
Don't be a little pig. They're
looking for more than one real goer.
You're not the only one who
wants to earn 4,000 quid a year.
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
Well, I tell you, Harry,
I don't care.
Listen, a deal's a deal.
I asked for 100,000,
I want 100,000, not 750.
I want to flood the market, not
piddle about with it a squirt at a
time. I'll be with you in a minute.
Don't give me that, Harry,
we've all got production problems.
Do you think I don't know,
that my people don't need
a boot up the tail occasionally?
Why do you think I closed
the Enfield factory? A load of bums.
Listen, you'll have to
deal with it, Harry.
I've got some people here. Yes, but
get your priorities right, boyo.
Just remember who
your biggest customers are.
You look after me and ICI and let
the small stuff take its chances.
Dog eat dog,
that's how it is at the top.
Think about it and march
straight out of that door, boys,
if you can't handle it.
I'll tell you what. I'm going to
turn my back on you now
and I'm going to count up to ten,
and if you're still there
when I turn round again,
it means that you're telling me
that you are aggressive,
action-packed go-getters full of
zap, powee and kaboom.
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Welcome aboard, boys.
You've made the right decision.
Welcome aboard
the good ship Prosperity
under the flag of Shinyglow.
That's the magic word, boys -
Shinyglow.
It'll transport you like a magic
carpet into a world of limousines,
tax avoidance and yachts.
You are about to achieve
your goals in life.
We've all got goals in life,
get-up-and-goers like us.
Come on, come on, tell me, tell me.
Tell old Greeny, you sales adviser,
leader and friend - what are we
seeking to snatch from life?
Well, I was hoping to find some sort
of contributory pension scheme.
I thought I'd better ask for
a bit more zap, powee and kaboom -
especially kaboom.
Well, you see, I've got this back,
so I hope that work's not
too heavy, like, you know?
Well, you show promise.
My instinct's telling me to give
you a chance. Now, sit down, boys.
We don't stand on ceremony
here at Shinyglow.
That's it, boys,
show your initiative.
You'll have to excuse
my temporary premises,
but I've got the architects in
at my prestige office block,
and I find it best to keep out of
the way with all those architects -
they're like a load of delicate
Maureens whispering about the place!
Our Barry's youngest went for
a draughtsman.
Oh, yes? Aye. He can draw you a plan
of a garage if you ever want one.
I'll remember that.
Or a conservatory.
It don't have to be a garage.
Versatile, is he?
Well, so are we at Shinyglow.
There's no such thing as sales
resistance, only bad salesmanship.
That's our motto,
the Shinyglow motto.
Or a shed. You know,
I think he can draw a shed.
Will you keep quiet?!
I wish you wouldn't keep rabbiting
on about your Barry's youngest.
We know he made the grade
educationally, but look at
the advantages he had.
All those small
private classes at borstal.
Sorry about that, Mr Green.
Oh, that's all right.
It's never been part of
the Oswald Green method to stifle
discussion. Unless, of course,
they're customers, in which case
prudence dictates that they ought
never to get a word in edgeways!
Now, remember that. Your first
free gem of sales wisdom from
the lips of Oswald Green.
Don't write it down,
keep it in here.
You stick with me, and I'll
send you out on the streets
as sharp as razors.
You'll be able to slice through
all resistance.
You'll have Shinyglow get up and go.
What will you have?
Come on, come on, tell me, tell me.
Shine and get up. ..and go.
And kaboom.
That's it, that's what you'll have.
This is your promise from
Oswald P. Green.
Well, this is it, boys...
The product.
Here, handle it, go on.
Feel it. How does that grab you?
Right weight, right place,
a revolutionary new aerosol cleaner
guaranteed to put
the sparkle back in anything,
even your mother's smile.
Use that if you like, lads.
Another free gem from Oswald Green.
It's rusty.
I told you it was revolutionary.
Now let me tell you
what makes a thing sell.
Image, clear product identity.
You stick that little beauty on the
shelf, and forget the competition.
The housewife can spot
Shinyglow anywhere.
She knows that we at Shinyglow
haven't wasted her money
tarting up the package,
but we've put value
where it counts, inside the can!
Back you go.
Back you go. Go on, go on.
Not on the pavement,
not on the pavement!
Why doesn't he
take it into the house?
Now cast off. To the left,
to the left, you fool! Come on!
ENGINE STOPS
This van,
let me tell you, is slap bang
in line with the Shinyglow image.
And so is your driving.
It's exciting watching you
stirring about, looking for a gear
and wondering which one
you're going to find.
He's had my leg in neutral twice.
Come on, let's have a fag before
we start. Well, get 'em out, then.
Oh, I will, I will, as soon as
I've sold my first gross
of these squirters.
Here...
He's a great talker, is Green.
We must be crackers.
It's work, isn't it?
We've got to establish ourselves
any way we can.
Yeah, I don't go much
on that "no pay, just commission".
Ta. That's quite usual
in the selling field.
It means that we're more
or less self-employed.
Yeah, if we don't sell any
we'll be unemployed.
'Ey up, where's all
the Shinyglow get up and go?
It got up and went.
Now, come along. We've got to
start taking this seriously.
If we make a success of this
we could be launched
on a second career,
or in some cases a first career.
Come on, shape yourselves.
We've got to get the hang of these.
And remember,
all the value is in the can.
Aye, it looks as though
it's going to stay in there an' all.
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
There, then,
I've got the knack of it.
You just have to
wobble the plunger a bit.
There you are, you see?
One has to think positively.
This stuff polishes anything.
It must be very inferior paint.
Accidental chemical reaction!
One in a million.
There we are.
For goodness' sake,
now what's the matter?
Nothing, nothing, it's just nerves.
You know how it is. When you're on
the verge of an important new step,
the world seems changed.
Everything suddenly looks different!
Well, pull yourselves together.
Now, you conquer that side of
the street and I'll conquer this.
Good morning, madam. I'd like to
introduce you to Shinyglow, which...
Good morning, Madam!
I'd like to introduce you...
Good morning, madam... Aaargh!
What are you doing, then, eh?
Gossipy lot.
We were just explaining to Sid that
we're back among the great employed.
Very temporarily,
unless we start selling something.
I can't understand it.
A van full of blasted aerosols,
me full of personality,
we haven't sold one. Not one.
It's him.
I know what it is. It's him.
They see him in the street,
dressed like that. Like what?
Dressed as if for an accident
under a tram.
They look straight past me
and see him. Mobile disaster area.
No wonder they keep slamming doors.
You've not put that stuff away,
I see!
But I am not going to lose
my temper.
We are doing no good going through
life yelling at one another.
Don't you feel very well?
I never felt better.
I've been talking to
Mrs Brocklesby about eternal peace.
Are you going to give me some?
You can scoff if you like
but she's found great consolation
since her Harold went.
Aye, his insurance.
She practises meditation
and deep breathing.
And she isn't afraid of dying.
And she's going to take me to a lady
in Retford Street who's in touch
with an angel called Kathleen.
Can you call in at Abercrombie's
on the way back?
We're running short of crisps.
You can try, but you will not
provoke me into raising my voice.
It is possible, you know,
with a little imagination,
to appreciate the superior virtue
of calm and the spirit of peace.
My yelling days are...
Aaaaahh!
Are just about
to begin, you useless hooligan!
If you've no more brains than to go
piddling about painting the faces
of your perishing friends!
I can't even get in to resign. Maybe
just as well. He'd charge for it.
Well, lock the van and put
the key through the letterbox.
He'll get the message. I bet his
salesmen are always doing it.
We could squirt the door with
Shinyglow and burn it down.
I've spoken my last
of the Shinyglow, thank you.
All right, one more then, only.
I've had an exhausting day and
I'm going to have an early night.
I shall lay down, pat cream on me
face, have 10 hours' sleep
and pray
that when I wake in the morning,
my face hasn't melted away.
Well, have you had enough,
has it cured thee? Cured me?
Of the restless urge for employment?
No, it has not. Oh, well.
It has merely whet the appetite.
Aye, you nearly wet your
britches an' all when you
saw your face, didn't ya?
I admit that incident was unusual
but it's not typical.
Even today, there were moments when
I felt the blood beginning to surge.
Ay, I know, it's his driving,
it made my guts go wobbly an' all.
I don't believe I've
ever seen you nosh.
It's my fundamental belief that
you've got unshakeable innards.
Aye, and wicked eyes.
You know, I could get the feeling
for salesmanship.
Lots of them do, but you're
better off with the money.
If I had the product, I could sell.
What for? We're all right as we are.
What, redundant?
Well, we have a giggle.
We get about a bit. Killing time, eh?
You don't have to kill it
all the time, you can use it as well.
What for? Looking for the key,
if you like. What key?
To why the Almighty won't have
any truck with comprehensives
but still insists on streaming,
that sort of key. To the universe.
Why, did somebody lose it?
You read the papers.
It makes you think so.
Are we going to have a trot up the
hill tomorrow if it's a nice day?
We are not. I am trotting without
reason round no more hills.
I'm going to find meself a job
in the selling profession.
Oh, God, here we go again.
You lot give up too easily.
Farewell, unemployment
and former friends.
Proud blood, the Blamires.
Ah, his mum were crackers and all.
Hey. here it is, then.
Vacancy. Wanted,
live salesman for painting trade.
They also have dead ones?
Top class opportunity for keen,
ambitious man. Apply personally.
Room 14, Red Lion Hotel.
I've got experience now, you know.
I can honestly tell them
that I used to work for Shinyglow.
Yeah, but I wouldn't say it as loud
as that. More like, "I used to work
for... QUIETLY: Shinyglow."
And you can tell them you'll do
anything for a sale,
even paint your face.
The sky is the limit, boyo.
You get all the resources of Stripo
behind you, and that's
a multi-million international deal,
on top of which, look what you get
for a product.
This little beauty. The finest
paint remover in an aerosol can.
It's going to revolutionise
the paint trade.
Just get the last
few bugs out of this.
You'll get used to
unemployment, I promise thee. I did.
Ah, but then you had a flair for it.
That's true.
It must be a gift.
Oh, shut up and go
to sleep, you two.
You're like a pair of
matching motor horns.
You wanted to waste time,
all right, we'll waste time.
I found you a quiet spot. Enjoy it.
Cyril, could I ask you something?
What is it now?
Could you tell me why we're
lying on this ant's nest?