Last of the Summer Wine (1973–2010): Season 13, Episode 1 - Quick, Quick, Slow - full transcript

Compo is very upset that Nora Batty has taken Smiler as a lodger. Foggy attempts to cure Compo of the "evil spirits" causing his depression by dancing.

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Hey up!
Tha's getting rather familiar
with the lodger's long johns.

It's none of your business if he
pays me extra to do his washing.

Call me old-fashioned,
but I don't like to see thee
involved with strange long johns.

You need somebody to wash yours!

It'd have to be somebody close.
It's not something for a stranger.

Nobody would want to wash yours!

If I'd known tha wanted a lodger,
I'd have applied years ago!


I want a proper lodger
on a paying basis,
and no hanky-panky. No hanky-panky?

He's only been there five minutes
and tha's washing his long johns.

Don't make that kind of insinuation!

Is he up yet? Of course he's up.
If it's any business of yours,
he's out looking for a job.

Didn't know he wanted a job.
He didn't either. But I'm not
having a man under me feet all day.

You know, sometimes I have to stop
and remind meself.

It seems hardly possible
on a day like this

that only 47 years ago
I was fully occupied
clearing the Japs out of Burma.

Took you the whole day, did it?

No, no, no! The man has no idea!

I have an idea.
Why don't we leave him to it?

He needs help. We can't just
walk away. I'll show you how.

Two paces back, that man.
Come on. March!

I know what I'm doing.
Damn thing's always awkward. No, no.
Mechanical objects are neutral.

The people who tinker with them
are sometimes awkward. Hold that.

I told him not to interfere.
Let him try. I'm fed up with it.

Well, there you are. Nothing to it.
Just a bit of mechanical savvy.

Now you can sprawl about on this
to your heart's content.

Me jacket's caught in it.

Come out, you...! Don't just
stand there. Lend a hand.


You see, it's got an oil stain
on it now.

Well, keep it off my furniture!

He gets you to assemble his lounger
then attaches it to your jacket!

I've a good mind to stop helping
people. Can we have it in writing?

Who's paying for these? Ah...yes...
Well, I will, of course,
only I'm busy with me jacket.

Oh, it never rains but it pours!

You're looking a bit down
in the mouth this morning,
not to mention down in the trousers!

Are they safe? As long as he keeps
his hands in his pockets. How will
he eat his bun? I'm not hungry.

Did I hear you say you're not
hungry? I'm not. I'm not hungry.

Feel his forehead. Why me?
I'm not handling him.
I've got a bun to eat.

I hope he's not in here with
anything contagious. What's wrong?

Summat I'll never get adjusted to.
Are you behind with your electric?


Well, yeah, but...

It's not that.

It's Nora Batty.

I could never get
adjusted to that either.

Not something a military man
would want to get adjusted to.


I just can't get used to her
having a lodger.

It's not as if he's much
of a lodger. It's only old Smiler.

I don't care. Why should he
have all the fun? Fun?
You think Smiler is built for fun?

Fun? Living with Nora Batty?
I'd sooner tackle an enemy tank.

I keep thinking of him.
Next door, in there. With me
in me lonely old house. Oh-h!

They're long nights
when you're on your own. Have you
got rid of your ferrets? No!

What kind of a bloke gets rid
of his ferrets? I did once tackle
an enemy tank. Did I tell you?


I could have sworn I haven't told
you about this particular tank.

I remember it vividly.
The one that came round the bend
with all its guns blazing?

That's the one! Followed by a squad
of Japanese infantry with fixed
bayonets? Definitely the same one.


Oh well, in that case, I...

Oh, come along, that man.
Shoulders back, straighten up!

Maybe he is straight. Maybe it's
just his clothes look like that.

We're gonna have to do something.
Be careful. You've already
been bitten by a garden lounger.

We're really going to have to do
something. I agree. We're going
to have to mind our own business.

What sort of irresponsible fool
always minds his own business?
We'll have to distract him.

How are you going to distract him?
That's why it's such a pity I've
already told you about the tank.

It's going to take more than that.

I think I'll push off home.

Have a lie down.
Stare at the ceiling for a bit.

Good grief, man!
You can't waste your life like that.

Days are precious.
There's so much to do. Like what?

Like what ?!

You can ask, "Like what?"

Come on, tell us what's
so exciting we could do today.

Well, there's...

And there's...

Eh? Are you sure he was there when
I told you about the tank? Aye.

The one that came round the corner
with all its guns blazing? Aye.

He's still lying on his
bed staring at the ceiling.

I don't like it.

I've seen this kind of thing
in the jungle.

Some of the natives would suddenly
go into a decline.

You know, just pine away.

How long for?
Sometimes for weeks.

That's a very long pine.

How did they bring them out of it?

Well, you need a witch-doctor.

Oh, well, that's out. You've got
to make an appointment round here.

You can't just be ill
when you feel like it. I'm not
suggesting we find a witch-doctor.

My original idea was correct.
We have to distract him.

How are you doing up there?

Oh, dear, dear. You'll have
to snap out of it. Would you
like a bit of company? Aye.

We're getting through to him!
Bring up me ferrets!


"Don't be getting under me feet
all day," she says.

What does she mean by "ALL day"?

Does it mean I can pop back
and have a sit down occasionally?

If I don't stay long,
maybe I can sit down occasionally.

Maybe not.

It's unfair competition.


If there's any nonsense going on,
it ought to be with me.

Have you seen Smiler lately?

Does he look like somebody
who's interested in nonsense?
Smiler is not built for nonsense.

He's built for funerals.
Throw a man and a woman together,
you've got trouble.

If the woman is Nora Batty,
I can't imagine worse trouble.

How can you believe for one moment
that Smiler has any designs
on Nora Batty?

I know he's slow
but he's not retarded! There he is.

I tell you what,
let's get him in here

and you can ask him if he has any
personal interest in Nora Batty.

How could he not have?

How could anybody NOT have
an interest in Nora Batty?

Here, what's going on?
It's a medical emergency. We've got
somebody needs his head seen to.

You'll get some brush,
whoever you are!

Come on!

Oh, I wish you wouldn't do that!

I never climb stairs that fast.
It gives me 'eartburn.

I can feel it. I bet it has.
It's given me 'eartburn. I knew it.
Keep looking on the bright side.

Here you are then.
What's this? Me ferrets.

What do I want with your ferrets?
Tha's pinched my best bird. Tha may
as well have me ferrets. Best bird?

Don't give me that! She washes
tha long johns. She should do at
her prices! See? He doesn't deny it.


Give the man a chance.
He's got too many chances.

What's he on about? What's to deny?

Well, he thinks that you have
a...personal interest in Nora.

You're right.
He does want his head seen to.

He's lying.

She's not my type. Even done up,
she wouldn't be my type.

I can believe it. That rings true.
She terrifies me. And that.

If she terrifies thee, how come
tha's still her lodger? I wonder
that myself. Why don't tha leave?

Leave? Can you imagine
going to Nora Batty and telling her
you weren't satisfied?

I'd love to leave. It's like jail.
I take his point. Except that
prison warders are less fierce.

And more feminine.

I think he means it!

I DO mean it.

It's like Stalag 14.

That's it then, Smiler.
No harm done.

As long as your relationship
with Nora Batty remains strictly
business. Done. You'd better go in.

Put in a good word for me.
Are you feeling better now? Great.
In a proper moody, weren't we?

Of course, he...
He could be lying.

Why should he be lying?
I can't take any chances
on a thing like this!

I gotta double-check.

Oh, no, not again!

Ow! Ow! OW!

Have you nothin' better to do?

I 'ave no personal interest
in Nora Batty!

How do I know that?

Tha might be lying.

Does he think everybody fancies
Nora Batty?

Yes. Unbelievable, isn't it?

How can he think a thing like that?
Well, we put it down to insanity.

Now, look, do you, Smiler,
give him, Compo...?

Steady on! You'll have 'em married!

..your solemn oath that you reside
at Nora Batty's purely for...
..board and lodgings.

There you are. He's given you his
solemn oath. In front of witnesses.

Oh, no.
I can't hang about here all day.

Breaks your heart, doesn't it?

No, I can't say it does.

How can you say that?
Occupational hazard.

One of the snags of being a killer
all your life. Makes you hard.

You must keep up this unflinching
exterior, become a stranger
to weakness and mercy.

You're a menace on the roads!

That's a very FLEXIBLE
unflinching exterior!

Aw, poor love! What's wrong?

Is it some personal tragedy?


Ah, poor love.

Make sure he can breathe.
Can't you see he's in pain?

I can see he's closer
than he ought to be.
Get off!

He's a very snug fit
for his size.

Just as well I happened to be
passing in time to assist this lady.

Relax, Howard. Our lips are sealed.

You forgot about Nora Batty then,
didn't you?

Oh... Don't lie.
Not even for a minute?

Well, maybe for a minute.


What's up with him?

We think he's in love.
Oh, is that all?
As long as it's nothing serious.

He wouldn't eat this morning.
It IS serious!

Want a lift? We might as well if
he's going to keep lagging behind.

Don't tell me about falling in love!

I know all about falling in love.



You? Yeah, me.

It's not the way of the warrior.
Quiet. I want to hear this.
Sometimes you only need one glance.

I once saw this little stunner.

I felt me knees give way.
Me tongue went dry.

I wanted to possess that body
more than anything I could remember.
Steady on, Wesley!

Oh, she was beyond my reach.

She was the most beautiful,
low-slung Alvis tourer
I've ever seen!

Needed a new hood.

Gorgeous big headlights.
You little romantic, you!

I don't know where your father
is with that Land-rover.
He said he wouldn't be long.

He SAID he would clear that rubbish
out of the shed but he didn't.

That's how they are - promises,
promises! Then they make a boghole
of it when they do get down to it.

Took mine three-quarters of an hour
to put up a garden lounger!

Oh, I've known them come unstuck
with simpler jobs than that. I sent
mine up once to change a light bulb.

We finished up with a new ceiling.

They aren't as good with their hands
as they are with their tongues

And they collect such rubbish.
You wouldn't believe it.

Yes, I would.
I mean, the back of our shed,
it looks like a railway accident.

He said he'd clear it.

I can't hear him clearing it.
Can you? I wonder where he is.

Oh, I can't stand it any longer.
We're gonna have to do something.

I'll have to go. I promised our lass
I'd clean up behind t'shed.
Bit reckless. I know.

But you have to make a gesture
occasionally. He used to make
gestures regularly and look at him!

Can't lift a finger.

He'll come round.

Oh, he will. And I know how.
I've seen it done.

I never thought I'd see him

It's like Jack the Ripper
taking up needlework! I have to go.
You can't go, not just yet.

Why not? We need you for the music.

Music? The radio in the Land-rover.

Why do we need music?
I'm glad you asked that. We need it
for the dance. The dance ?!

The medicine dance. I've seen it
in the jungle. I told you about it.

It's what they use to cure people
afflicted with evil spirits.

If ever I've seen anybody afflicted
with evil spirits, it's him.

It's time he was home.

They get talking and forget what day
it is. I'm going to find him. Would
any of you ladies like to come?

No, thank you.

You ought to go with her or she'll
think you don't like her driving.

What gives her that impression?

You can't live sensibly
all your life.
I know...but there are limits.

What do we do now?

Well, as far as I remember,
the witch-doctor shook a rattle
at him, and the men began to dance.

Screws, Wesley.

Put them in there.

Good lad.

One rattle. You see, we improvise.

At this point, we ought
to be chanting. Chanting what?
Well, I think it was, "Ug."


Yeah, well, I reckon
we can do "Ug."


I'd sooner be clearing out
that shed!

I don't want to be negative,
but do you think it'll do any good?

Well, this is only the earlier
part of the ceremony. It's not
going to work at the first "Ug".

No, no, it's the dance that works
the magic. It's not magic exactly.

I expect there's a reasonable

Maybe there's something
in the rhythm that soothes
the spirit of the one afflicted.

Are you ready to have
your spirit soothed?

Fine by me, Norm.

Wesley, find us some music.
Dance music.

Who's gonna dance? We are.

Surely you wouldn't leave him
in that condition? If I've got
to dance, I'd leave him like that.

Whatever happened to friendship?
To simple charity? To sanity!

Look, I admit it sounds peculiar.
but I promise you, in the jungle,
it works.

Yes, but we're not in the jungle.
No. We'll adapt accordingly.

How? There you are. He's talking
like a native already.

I won't ask you to do a tribal
dance. We're civilised.

Our Edie won't be if I don't
clear out that shed! Trust me.
He wants a blank cheque.

Wesley, find us some music.

It must be two years since
he promised to clear up the shed.
Look where you're going!

Are we dead?
Just close.


I thought I could hear
heavenly music.
I CAN hear music.

I knew it. We ARE dead.

It sounds like heaven's
very strict tempo.
It's Victor Silvester!

Come here often? Try and take it
seriously, will you?

I feel so stupid. Why?
There's nobody looking.

Ug! Ug!

You see, he's cured.

Look, it works.

Nobody ever believes me but I knew
it would work. I've seen it.

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