Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 29 - Drain the Swamp - full transcript

Firstly, John Oliver addresses the firing/resignation of Attorney General of the United States Jeff Sessions and his successor. Then he starts talking about the catch phrase Trump used in ...

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Welcome to Last Week Tonight.

I am John Oliver.
Thank you for joining us.

A quick recap of the week...
It was a whirlwind.

A mass shooting
and wildfires in California,

Jim Acosta being banned
from the White House,

Trump skipping a commemoration for
WWI soldiers in France, it was raining.

That might actually have been
for the best, if he'd gone,

someone would have had to tell him
he can't sit on people's gravestones

just 'cause he's tired.

There was
the midterms on Tuesday,

in which Democrats
won control of the House.

A bad result for Trump,
although not according to him.

You're a man who likes to win, but last
night was not an absolute victory.

I'll be honest: I thought it was
a very close to complete victory.

Complete victory ?
You lost the House !

Trump has an incredible
ability to frame defeat as triumph.

You've taken my king, but I have
my horses and this is "horse chess".

My horse king takes your little guy
that looks like a boobie. Horse-mate.

Even weirder was Trump's glee
at the losses of Republicans

who didn't embrace him
during their campaigns,

because, bear in mind:
these losses were bad for him.

You had some that decided to
"let's stay away." They did poorly.

Mike Coffman.
Too bad, Mike.

Mia Love. Mia Love gave me
no love and she lost.

Too bad.
Sorry about that, Mia.

I don't know what's worse, his petty
delight over the losses of his party,

or his petty delight
in his own dumb wordplay.

I bet he was in bed
that night saying:

"Melania, heard that Mia Love joke ?
Where I said, she gave me no love ?"

Melania would reply: "I can't hear you.
We sleep in different bedrooms."

My favorite response to a loss
took place in Nevada,

where Danny Tarkanian
lost his bid for a congressional seat.

His sixth run for office
and his sixth loss

and his wife had some
choice words for voters.

There is no room
for the voters to complain

when you're going to put a liar
into office, it is your fault.

My husband has a bright future,
our family has a bright future.

I don't know
what God has in store for us,

but there is no way that we
went through all of this for nothing.

She is pissed.

If you bring
God's plan into this,

it seem like God
has been up in heaven saying:

"you know
what'd be really funny ?"

"If I make Danny Tarkanian
lose six elections in a row,"

"just to see
if his wife fucking snaps."

There was also some good news
concerning the midterms.

Three states
voted to expand Medicaid.

Florida restored voting rights
to people with felony convictions.

Utah voted to legalize
medical marijuana.

In the not-so-distant future,
there is a chance

that Mitt Romney could be lying
on a bed, stoned out of his mind,

giggling and asking his wife:
"do you think we have too many sons ?"

All of which is good news
but it quickly got swamped

by the latest development in the story
we've been calling Stupid Watergate.

Trump did the thing that
we've all kind of been bracing for.

Jeff Sessions, until last night,

Donald Trump's attorney general
and punch bag.

After months of public abuse,

the president moved from ridiculing
his senior law officer to firing him.

Trump finally fired Jeff Sessions.
Everyone in America waited

for this shoe to drop,
except Jeff Sessions,

who is always waiting any shoe
to drop for fear he will be crushed.

Trump appointed as acting AG
Sessions' former chief of staff

and oldest person in his karate
class, Matt Whitaker.

Everything about that
appointment is weird.

Sessions' natural successor
would be Rod Rosenstein.

Trump is not a fan of him, as he
protected the Mueller investigation.

So instead, Trump shoved
white Shrek here into the job.

That is troubling, he's been a regular
critic of the Mueller investigation,

has a questionable judicial philosophy,
both criticizing Marbury v. Madison,

and suggesting that
the key criterion for judges is:

"do they have a biblical view
of justice ?"

Maybe the most eye-catching thing
in Whitaker's background is this.

The FBI's investigating
a now shutdown Florida company

that Whitaker was an advisor
for beginning in 2014.

World Patent Marketing billed itself
as helping inventors secure patents

but the FTC
won a judgment against the company

for bilking thousands of customers
out of millions of dollars.

World Patent Marketing
was a scam which is terrible,

if you're gonna make money off
of crushing inventors' dreams,

you should do it on television,
where we can all enjoy the car crash.

It is true that the FTC
shut the company down

as part of a settlement that included
a judgment of over $25 million.

World Patent Marketing's clients
had some truly incredible ideas,

like "Supreme Diva Jeans",

padded pants that help
augment your lady bumps.

Before I show you a commercial
for those butt pants,

I should warn you:
this is gonna get pretty technical.

Science tells us
why all men like big butts.

Men aren't aware why
they're attracted to bigger butts,

but attracted they are.

In the early hunter-gathering

it gave women an advantage
to forage for food,

while bearing children.

And speaking of babies,

women with big butts
apparently have smarter kids.

Evolution isn't about
survival of the fittest,

it's about survival of the biggest.

Exactly: a bigger butt makes you
better at foraging for food

and makes
your children smarter.

That is science !

They're referencing
studies published in JAMA,

the Journal Of The American
Mix-a-Lot Association.

Their anaconda don't want none
unless it's rigorously peer-reviewed.

WPM let that inventor down,
because according to court documents,

they misfiled her patent, and left
her with nothing but a prototype,

some samples, a press release
and negative $40 000.

Again, a real shame, because
we tracked that inventor down

and I'm here to tell you
these things really work.

You're gonna want
to take a look at this,

because normally from behind,

I look like if Flat Stanley
had osteoporosis.

Now, I'm rocking genuine cheeks.
I've gone from empty dinner plate

to Christmas ham in one easy payment
of $125 plus shipping and handling.

Can you imagine how great I'm gonna
be at foraging for food with this ?

I'm gonna eat so many things
I find on the ground !

And remember...

What you've got to remember is
a paid advisor to that patent company

is now our current acting AG.

While he says he was not aware
of any fraudulent activity,

he seemed hands-on,
appearing in videos for them

and saying in a press release that
"as a former US Attorney,"

"I would only align myself with
a first class organization."

When one client threatened
to file a complaint,

Whitaker threatened him:

"I assume you understand there could
be civil and criminal consequences"

and reminding them
he was a former US attorney.

Which is something he does
have to remind people about him a lot,

because he doesn't look like
a US attorney so much as he looks like

a Kenmore refrigerator that
somehow escaped from a Sears.

There is a lot that
is disqualifying about him.

The biggest red flag is that,
as of this taping,

this is still the photo atop
his Twitter page.

I've gotta say, from one lifter
to another, respect.

Look at this absolute
unit turning on the forklift.

Bustin' ass and building mass.

Somebody's gotta pass those
plates to Jesus, am I right ?

Punch your ticket
at the swole-booth,

cause if the bar ain't bendin',
you're just pretendin'.

I will point out that in
other photos of him lifting,

he has a Japanese tattoo
on the inside of his arm,

which, when translated, reads
"fall down 7 times, get up 8."

I hate to criticize a Japanese proverb,

how can you get up 8 times
when you've only fallen down 7 ?

If you fall down 7 times,
you only need to get up 7 times.

If you're falling down 7 times,

you should really invest
in a pair of Supreme Diva Jeans.

Every time you fall,
you bounce right back up.

That's called an evolutionary
advantage right there.

It should be pretty clear
what is actually happening here.

Trump wants a toady who'll restrain
Mueller, Whitaker seems that guy.

White House was amazingly reportedly
surprised by the criticism of Whitaker

and thinks it could "jeopardize
his chances of remaining in the post."

How is Trump going
to distance from Whitaker ?

He made him
acting attorney general.

He met him in the Oval Office
more than a dozen times.

He went on Fox News and said:

"Matt Whitaker's a great guy.
I mean, I know Matt Whitaker."

But by Friday morning,
Trump was already backpedaling.

I don't know Matt Whitaker.
Whitaker worked for Jeff Sessions,

and he was always extremely
highly thought-of and he still is.

But I didn't know Matt Whitaker.

That is just clearly bullshit.
Unless Trump simply forgot the man

who he appointed acting attorney
general is named "Matt Whitaker".

Which might be plausible.
He does look more like his name

would be "Dorg Blunderbuss"
or "Chunk Smushington".

We have known for more than a year
that Trump wanted to replace Sessions

with someone who will restrain Mueller
and this week, he did it.

So the only remaining question
is: how will we respond ?

Will Congress take steps
to keep Mueller safe ? I hope so.

Trump will go as far as we allow
him to go. That is undeniable.

The only thing that might be
more undeniable...

Is the sweetness of this peach.

And now, this.

Steve Bannon's Election Night
Coverage Went Just Great.

And now your host,
Stephen K. Bannon.

Jim Hoft, you on ?
Hey Jim ?

Did he pick up ?
Tell us what's going on there.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you...
All the way down, so we should...

These open border policies
that the Democrats are pushing...

A lot of it, by the way too,
is this Steve.

Something we've never seen before
and I liked Bush.

We beat everyone.
I mean look.

We didn't get, 'scuse me.
We won.

The entire race on the left...

I still don't have Cernovich.
Let's go back to.

- No, I heard him, Mike.
- You heard Cernovich?

Mike ?

Yeah, I hear you, Steve.
I'm right here.

No, you stay. You're
not going anywhere. Right there.

No. I'm producing.

Moving on. So, our main story
tonight concerns Donald Trump.

A man whose presidential library
could exhibit a Razzie award.

He won a Razzie for his supporting
role in the film "Ghosts Can't Do It",

as a businessman
negotiating with Bo Derek.

In this room there are knives sharp
enough to cut you to the bone

and hearts cold enough
to eat yours as hors d'oeuvres.

- You're too pretty to be bad.
- You noticed.

That kissy face is the most disgusting
thing that's ever been in a movie

and I'm very much including
"The Human Centipede".

We're not gonna talk about
Trump's movie career.

But the two-year anniversary of
one of his signature campaign promises.

We are going to drain
the swamp in Washington, D.C.

It's time to drain
the swamp of corruption.

Drain the swamp !
Look at that sign.

Drain the swamp. We're gonna
drain the swamp of Washington.

We'll have fun doing it,
we're doing it together.

"We'll have fun doing it,
we're doing it together"

sounds more like a nervous host

rambling through the introduction
of their first orgy.

We're gonna have fun doing it
and we're all doing it together.

Thanks for the hummus spread, Tom.
We said no names, didn't we ?

Domine domine domine, everybody
fuck now. Mind the coffee table.

Limiting power of industry lobbyists
and special interests is a good idea.

While I would love to give him credit,
the odds are,

if your platform is just
screaming random three-word phrases,

one of them is gonna bound
to end up being good.

"Lock her up !" No.
"Build the wall !" No.

"All-dog zoo !" Stop !
That's actually a great idea.

It took a while, but you
finally threw out a good one.

While Trump by no means
came up with that phrase,

it caught on after he won, because
other candidates began using it

and perhaps none more memorably,
or literally, than this guy.

I'm Bob Gray,
an outsider and a businessman.

I'm running to fuel the economy,
choke off wasteful spending

and secure our nation...

But most importantly,
I promise to drain the swamp.

I'm Bob Gray, conservative
Republican and I approve this message.

Right, except you're not really
draining the swamp

so much as you are moving it
a couple of feet off camera.

And "scooch the swamp" doesn't
quite have the same ring to it !

As much as people have taken to
Trump's "drain the swamp" promise,

it won't surprise you to know that
he has not drained the swamp.

His cabinet included
swamp creatures,

from these Goldman Sachs
veterans working on tax policy,

Gary Cohn and certified handful
of man-candy Steve Mnuchin,

to Wilbur Ross, Commerce Secretary,
wealthy corporate raider

and what can happen when Wallace
Shawn is not stored properly.

Trump has a laughable number
of wealthy businessmen

presiding over policies that could
directly benefit themselves

and their former employers.

Despite "drain the swamp" being one
of Trump's greatest hits at rallies,

many of his supporters
do not seem troubled by this.

The swamp is horrible
and Trump is there.

He's there for the small guy,
he's there for people like myself.

His cabinet is
filled with multimillionaires.

I love that.
They're not politicians.

You don't see them as part of the swamp
who have capitalized on the system.

In a capitalist system,
you're allowed to make money.

- Being rich is good.
- So then what is the swamp ?

- The mainstream.
- You almost nailed it.

It's the mainstream, the elites that
look down on a small guy like myself.

If you're mainstream,
you can't be elite.

By definition, elites are a select
group superior to the mainstream.

Digging into this logical fallacy
makes me sound like an elitist asshole,

not like a mainstream asshole.

Do you see what I mean ?

The narrow question of selfenrichment
is part of why the swamp is a problem.

A much bigger issue is the harm
that it can actually do.

That is what our story is about.
Because real damage is being done

to the "small guy"
by this administration's actions.

Take payday lending.
People's lives can be destroyed

by misleadingly-marketed
high-interest loans.

The head of the Consumer Financial
Protection Bureau, Mick Mulvaney,

works with the payday-loan industry
to block rules reining them in.

Why ? I don't know. What I do
know is that, as a congressman,

he got $60 000 in contributions
from payday-lending interests.

He told a roomful of bankers
this amusing anecdote.

We had a hierarchy
in my office in Congress.

If you're a lobbyist who never gave us
money, I didn't talk to you.

If you're a lobbyist who gave us money,
I might talk to you.

He said he would talk to constituents
whether they gave him money or not.

Molly is admitting that as a lobbyist
money might get you a meeting,

you don't often hear
that from a politician.

Yeah, you don't. It's something
that everyone naturally assumes,

but it is weird to hear it.

Like a Disney World
attendant saying:

"Who wants to have their photo
taken with a 30-year old theater major"

"who couldn't hack it in the industry
and who wears a mouse suit ?"

There's no new information there,
but is still unpleasant to listen to.

Just focusing on the famous
alligators in Trump's swamp

is missing the most important damage
getting done by less-known bureaucrats.

Let's look at two
agencies tonight. First, the EPA.

For a year, it was run by Scott Pruitt,
who became a household name

for spending $40 000
on a soundproof booth in his office,

trying to get the CEO of Chick-fil-A
to give his wife a franchise

and demanding an expensive
24/7 security detail,

then drive around town to see which
Ritz-Carlton had the lotion he liked.

Which is simply insane.

Everyone knows the best lotion
comes from La Quinta Inn.

If you want to masturbate with hotel
lotion, choose La Quinta.

It's like their slogan says:

"La Quinta has the lotion
that will help you jizz."

Once Pruitt left, there were not
as many flashy headlines about the EPA

but that is actually dangerous,
he was not an isolated case.

Half of the political appointees
hired by Trump at the EPA

have strong industry ties.

The guy who replaced Pruitt
is not much of an improvement.

The man tapped
to be Pruitt's replacement ?

Andrew Wheeler, a man who
"Forbes" says earned

more than $700 000 in recent years
as, wait for it, a coal lobbyist.

CNN, you really don't need to ask
the American people to "wait for it".

Surprise is just one more emotion
that Trump has destroyed,

along with joy, wonder
and the ability to see someone

wearing a red hat from behind
without mentally saying "goddamnit".

Wheeler pushed hard to roll back
environmental regulations.

Here he is, as a lobbyist, meeting
with Rick Perry, doing exactly that.

A year later, he is running the EPA

and dismantling the regulations
he lobbied against.

It's like handing your city's waste
management over to a seagull.

We just throw our trash everywhere
and leave it strewn around ?

We should have more french fries
in our garbage ?

How the fuck
are you in charge ?

Wheeler is a good example of how,
once Trump's swamp starts seeping in,

it can filter all the way down
an organization.

Look at the Department of the Interior.
We've lavished quite a bit of attention

on Trump's appointee to head them,
Ryan Zinke, which is understandable.

He rode a horse to work
on his first day,

he swung Karen Pence around
like a bag of potatoes

and despite he is not a geologist,
he has a weird habit of doing this.

That's the question to ask
and I'm a geologist.

I'm a geologist.

He's not a geologist.
At all !

Bragging about being
a geologist is a very weird boast.

It's just behind walking around saying:
"I own crackers."

"Saltines, Cheez-Its... you name it,
I own it."

"Not oyster crackers of course.
Who am I, Bill Gates ?"

Zinke has also taken 66 personal days
in his first year-and-a-half on the job

and has been the subject
of 15 investigations.

He may actually be gone any day.
Even if that happens,

serious problems will remain,
the swamp runs deep.

Interior is a massive department and
there is real power at every level.

Look at this organizational chart.

Below Zinke and the deputy secretary

and the assistant secretary
for Land and Minerals Management,

you will find the Bureau of Safety And
Environmental Enforcement or "BSEE"

which is in charge
of safety on offshore oil-rigs.

Wouldn't regulatory oversight

of any resource development
on the outer continental shelf

fall under the jurisdiction of
the Minerals Management Service ?

Wouldn't that be
where the responsibility lies, John ?

To which I say:
"Congratulations on being a sex god."

You're right. The Minerals Management
Service used to be in charge of safety,

until 2010, when there was
that catastrophe at Deepwater Horizon.

This is the video
BP did not want the world to see.

A toxic blend
of oil and gas,

spewing from its broken well
at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico.

Deepwater Horizon pumped 130 million
gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico,

about 12 times the size
of the Exxon Valdez spill,

costing the region billions and hurting
the fishing and tourism industries.

You know it was a disaster because
Mark Wahlberg made a movie about it.

He usually chooses to star in films
about the most appalling things,

like tragic shipwrecks,
acts of terrorism

and Mel Gibson's seamless
reintegration into Hollywood.

Years after Deepwater Horizon,

the region was still
feeling the effects.

When little boats fish
in this area right here,

half of what
they catch is deformed.

Really, half ?
And what kind of deformities ?

They've got tumors on their head,
little bumps off the side.

It's all in the gills.

- You see the oil in there ?
- That's oil in its gills ?

If you take this shell off, you can
pull the oil out, and you can smell it.

That's horrible. Not only
did that spill devastate an economy,

it managed to make shrimp
even more disgusting.

I hate shrimp. They are slimy
armored alien bugs

for whom proper preparation
involves pulling out their shit-vein.

There is not enough cocktail sauce
to erase the memory of a shit-vein.

Somehow, that oil spill made them
even grosser.

Before Deepwater Horizon, the Minerals
Management Service was in charge

of safety on oil rigs and collecting
revenues from oil companies,

a bad idea, it was
an obvious conflict of interest.

After Deepwater,
they created BSEE,

an agency whose only job is to keep
people and the environment safe.

That is their sole responsibility.

Promotion of drilling in the gulf ?
That is someone else's job.

BSEE's is safety.
That is why its last two heads

were a former Coast Guard officer
specializing in marine safety

and a former Coast Guard officer
specializing in marine safety.

Trump has taken a different path,
appointing Scott Angelle,

former lieutenant governor of Louisiana
and a guy who is pro-drilling.

Just days after the Deepwater
well was capped,

Angelle was at a rally organized by
the Louisiana Oil and Gas Association,

where he called for an immediate
resumption of deep-sea drilling.

Enough is enough
and it's time to quit punishing

innocent American workers to achieve
some unrealistic political agenda.

While we too support the use of
renewable and alternative energy,

let's keep the conversation real,
America is not yet ready to get

its fuel from the birds and the bees
and the flowers and the trees.

Hold on ! America is not yet
ready to get fuel from trees ?

You mean... wood ?
Scientists have understood

how wood works for years
now, maybe even decades.

Angelle joined Sunoco Logistics
Partners, an oil pipeline company,

earning nearly a million dollars and
now, he's regulating the oil industry.

If there is any doubt about
his priorities, which there is not,

wait until you see something
we found on YouTube.

Last year, Angelle gave a presentation
at an oil industry conference,

where he was flanked by two men,
one in a hard hat,

both of whom were eating
during his speech.

That is not the important part.
The incredible moment

is when he makes it clear
how accessible he,

the man in charge
of enforcing safety,

is willing to be to industry leaders.

My cell number is, for anybody
that wants to give me a call to talk,

my cell number
is 571-585-3730.

I'd rather you call me, everything
you text to me is a public record.

This is a business opportunity for you
to engage with me

on what you believe
we ought to be about.

Holy shit. He just gave out
his work cellphone number

and encouraged oil bosses to call him
as a business opportunity.

That is outrageous because he's doing
that to avoid the public record.

No one should ever call
rather than text.

I don't care what the scenario is,
if you prefer calling to texting,

you're a fucking psychopath and
you should be put in prison forever.

You text whatever the situation.

That is his real number,
we know because we called it.

He gives it out publicly
to executives all the time.

At another industry conference,
he announced it from a stage.

Who knows what the executives tell him.
It's not part of the public record.

By coincidence, he's urged
the White House to loosen

safety requirements implemented
in the wake of Deepwater Horizon,

which they are now planning to do
and which is estimated

could save oil companies nearly
a billion dollars over the next decade,

which is the most shocking ten-digit
number I've heard

since 571-585-3730.

So it seems pretty clear that
Trump has in no way drained the swamp.

What he has done is drained
the phrase of its original meaning.

He was pretty transparent
about how little he meant it.

This is him
one month after his election,

essentially telling everyone
that the phrase was meaningless.

Funny how that term caught on,
isn't it ? I hated it.

Somebody said: "drain the swamp."
I said: "That's so hokey. Terrible."

I said: "Alright, I'll try it."
A month ago I said: "Drain the swamp."

The place went crazy.
I said: "What's this ?"

Then I started saying it
like I meant it, right ?

I started loving it.
And the place loved it.

It's "drain the swamp".
It's true.

It isn't. Trump never
meant drain the swamp.

You can tell that
by what has happened since.

He promised to clean up D.C.
and instead,

the guy in charge of the CFPB
is holding hands with loan sharks,

the EPA might as well be run
by a sentient piece of coal

and his head of oil rig safety wants
the industry to blow up his digits

like an under-regulated oil well.

It seems like if there is anyone
who is still hoping

that Trump might drain the swamp,

you can now officially
kissy-face that idea goodbye.

And now this.

Monday Night Football's Graphics
Are Officially Out Of Hand.

Andy Dalton, the Red Rifle's throwing
51 touchdown passes to A.J. Green.

Through the first five weeks,
teams have wrung up high scores.

It's like it's a game of Skee-Ball.

Steve Smith who's come back
from an achilles at age 37.

Joe Flacco's fifth season in the NFL,
he caught fire in the post season.

Jet airliners leave New York,
and their first round picks...

Giants singing the blues when it comes
to their ground game.

Gore started this season
15th all time in rushing yards.

This is just the 11th game
without Favre or Aaron Rodgers.

With his third season of
Marty Mornhinweg as coordinator,

38 scrimmage yards
and six touchdowns.

28 plays against the bills.

A lot of Raiders
walking the plank.

11 career games against Tampa Bay,
he's been a one man wrecking crew.

Moving on. Finally tonight,
let's talk about social media,

the thing Dave Matthews used ten
years ago to tweet things like:

"Dead frog in a fountain",

"Cunnilingus is my favorite.
And walks in the autumn"

"Do spiders fart",
"Swallowed by YOUR farts"

and of course,
"Shart Party."

A tweet that, for some reason,
only has 48 retweets.

It should be the most
retweeted post in history.

Stop watching this show
and go retweet it immediately.

"Shart Party" is a message the world
needs to hear. Hashtag #DMB,

hashtag #Shart Party, hashtag
#Crash Into Me With Spider Farts.

A decade on, the internet
has changed.

Celebrities and a new breed
of so-called "influencers"

are using social media far less
casually and for a big profit.

Megastars like Selena Gomez can make
an estimated $550 000 per post.

40 percent of people say
they've purchased an item

after seeing an influencer
use it on social media,

contributing to a billion-dollar
market this year.

When someone like Selena Gomez uses
something on Instagram,

it is hard to resist buying it.

When I saw this picture of her,
I bought those yoga pants

and I'm very happy with my purchase.

I wear them over
my Supreme Diva Jeans

and my apple now looks so juicy,
even I want to take a bite.

But the concern is...

What if she made me
buy something stupid ?

As long as people are clear they are
shilling for a product, that's fine.

Companies pull off large-scale
marketing stunts

without making it clear
what is happening.

It's an expertly executed ad campaign.
50 of the hottest fashion bloggers,

all in the same paisley dress,
all over Instagram.

Paid as much as $4 000 each to post
these pics on the same day.

They had us all post at the same time,
between like 12:00 pm and 3:00 pm

and then post it tagging
"Lord & Taylor".

The campaign, a huge success.

"Lord & Taylor" selling out
of the dress almost immediately.

The photobomb reaching more than
11 million Instagram users in two days.

That's not what a photobomb is.

A photobomb would be if,
in someone's engagement photo,

the dress inserted itself,
uninvited, into the background.

That is not allowed.
If you're being paid,

you're supposed to tag your
post with a clear disclosure,

like #ad,
or #sponsored.

Lord & Taylor got in trouble
with the FTC which said

the company "deceived consumers"
with that stunt.

Though they are
by no means the only offender.

One study about
the biggest accounts found

that over 90 percent of sponsored posts
were not properly labeled or disclosed.

The Kardashians have been
criticized for this.

Last year, the FTC sent
a letter to Popeyes Chicken,

after Kourtney Kardashian posted
this image of her and Khloe

eating Popeyes on a private jet,

captioning it with: Popeyes on the PJ.
Hashtag #cheatday.

You know you are rich
if the common acronym "PJ"

no longer means "pajamas",
it means "private jet".

"I need to work from home today,

you know, for yacht inspection.

Look in the yard, it's a UFO !
An "unbelievably fancy ostrich".

The most shameless social-media
marketer is DJ Khaled.

Truth in Advertising cataloged
more than 200 instances

in which he promoted alcoholic
drinks to his millions of followers,

without disclosing
a connection to the companies.

And some of those videos
were remarkable.

It's time to celebrate.
Grits. Cinnamon Toast Crunch

with the Belaire Gold Key.

A little berries
and some Ciroc Red Berry.

And then go back and
add a little more berries

and a little more champagne.

Grits, two kinds of alcohol
and Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

It sounds like the clues for
the $100 000 Pyramid category:

Things That Will Be Pumped Out Of
Kid Rock's Stomach When He Dies.

Is this the most
important thing in the world ? No.

But it is probably safest to assume
that until this is properly regulated,

anyone you see promoting a product
is probably being paid for it.

That may well affect how much you
then trust that person going forward.

I have never accepted compensation
for anything on this show.

But, having seen how
much money is involved here,

we've been doing something
all year long that, surprisingly,

no one has noticed,
and frankly, it is now payoff time.

I've been quietly engaging
in advertising so undisclosed,

even the advertiser
doesn't know about it.

I'm talking about
the Church of Scientology.

Without their knowledge or permission,
I plugged them,

influencer-style, since February,
sometimes it's been subtle.

We snuck a Scientology symbol into this
logo of a federal agency we invented.

In May, I was packing the show up, one
of the items was the book "Dianetics".

We put L. Ron Hubbard's name
onscreen for no good reason.

For half the year,
the Scientology Celebrity Centre

has been
one of the buildings in our backdrop.

Dragonstone, one of
the castles from Game of Thrones,

is back there too,

but that's been there
since the start of the show.

Which has contained more
torture and cruelty ? Hard to say !

There is stuff
that I expected someone to notice.

I've mentioned prominent scientologists
and then vigorously defended them.

I don't blame him for anything.
He's got a good head on his shoulders.

You stay clear, Tommy.
Stay clear, my boy.

If somebody approaches you,
don't tell them you're being paid.

Which are word-for-word the vows
in a traditional Scientology wedding.

They're beautiful vows
and you should go.

That is the reaction
that you'd expect to hear

if the WWE championship
was won by Beck.

Which is plausible,

the guy's a Scientologist
and they give you superpowers.

It's not just a religion,
it's a set of principles

to help you understand and improve
your life and maybe fly.

Just look into it. That's all
I am compelling you sincerely.

That was a bit weird, right ?
Did you not think that was weird ?

You might be thinking:
"Well, come on, John."

"That wasn't obvious enough.
To be obvious,"

"you'd have to stand next to a volcano
like on the cover of "Dianetics"

"and mention Lord Xenu."

May I remind you, back on
our second show,

how our Italian election
piece ended ?

That's our show,
Xenu next week, goodnight !

"Xenu next week ?" We thought
the game would be up then !

We thought we'd gone too hard,
too early.

We've been doing this shit all year.
It is time to collect.

So to the head of Scientology,
David Miscavige,

first, love to Shelly.

Second: you owe me.
I've looked into this,

Rock "The Dwayne" Johnson makes
around $650 000 for a sponsored post.

I am worth one Rock post at least.
So I will take $650 000 now.

I know you have the money.
John Travolta gave you a lot of his.

If you, Scientology, are gonna
tell me, "that's ridiculous."

"Can't pretend you conferred
some unprovable benefit on us,"

"then shake us down
for money,"

"because of your tenuous proximity
to show business",

let me just say you're being
a real SP about this shit

and the price just went up
to $700 000.

That is our show.
Thank you so much for watching !

Xenu next week !
Good night !