Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Episode #4.6 - full transcript

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Welcome to Last Week Tonight.
I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much for joining us.
We begin with President Trump.

Two words that continue
to sound wrong together

sort of like Horse pope
or "Dr. Oz".

This was a week of diplomacy.
Or, as it turned out, the opposite.

President Trump hosting Chancellor
Angela Merkel at the White House.

Their first meeting since Mr. Trump
ridiculed the Chancellor on campaign

accusing her of,
quote, ruining Germany.

First, that is a major insult.
Because historically,

the title of "Chancellor synonymous
with ruining Germany" is taken.

It's gotta be awkward to meet someone
you've talked so much shit about.

That is why
I never leave the house

because I know Johnny Depp
is somewhere out there,

presumably vaping
into a supermodel's vagina

while he mansplains "acting".

If you think Trump made an extra
effort to smooth things over,

you'd be wrong because
watch what happened

when the media
made a very routine request.

Handshake ?

Do you want to have a handshake ?

Handshake ? Ok.

Shake her hand,
you weird man !

It is "not often" that
you can genuinely say:

"Trump really should have
touched that woman."

Look at him !
He's just staring straight ahead,

refusing to make eye contact !

He's treating
the Chancellor of Germany

like a drunk guy masturbating
in a subway car.

And it did not get any less tense
at their joint press conference.

Trump has been standing by his claim
that Obama had him wiretapped.

And when a German reporter asked,
he tried to pull Merkel into it.

As far as wiretapping
by this past administration,

at least we have
something in common, perhaps.

What that very funny joke
is referring to,

is the allegation that the U.S.
monitored Merkel's phone.

And she is not amused,

that may be the most uncomfortable
a U.S. president has ever made her.

George W. Bush once gave her
an unsolicited surprise backrub.

It wasn't just Germany dragged
into Trump's "wiretapping" mess.

His Press Secretary and special guest
on "Gilmore Girls", Melissa McCarthy,

brought a British spy agency
into it, too.

Sean Spicer, has backed claims
that GCHQ was involved

in tapping phones
for Barack Obama.

He didn't use the NSA, the CIA,
the FBI

or the department of justice,
he used GCHQ.

That is going to piss off the British,
and you do "not" want that !

Because if you do,
we will say "oh, dear,"

shake our heads, swallow the anger
and carry it around until we die.

Think about
what he's alleging there.

He is suggesting a U.S. president
enlisted a foreign intelligence service

to spy on a political adversary,
an explosive charge.

That is why the NSA's Deputy Director
told the BBC it was "arrant nonsense",

revealing "a lack of understanding
in how the relationship works",

and GCHQ called the accusations
"utterly ridiculous".

Rather than distancing himself from
Spicer, Trump backed him up.

All we did was quote a certain
very talented legal mind

who was the one responsible
for saying that on television.

That was a statement made
by a very talented lawyer on FOX.

You shouldn't be talking to me,
but to FOX.

No, we should be talking to "you"
because you're the fucking president

and you're repeating it.

"He only said it because
he heard it on TV"

is barely an acceptable excuse for
why your parrot said a racial slur.

No !
We've been watching The Wire !

That "very talented legal mind"
Trump's talking about is this guy.

FOX News Contributor Judge
Andrew Napolitano,

a man whose persona
is so overwhelmingly non-authoritative

I assumed he was a judge in
the "Judge Reinhold" sense.

Spicer was quoting Napolitano.
And even by FOX's standards,

"the judge"
is an unreliable source.

He has a history of
entertaining dicey conspiracies.

He questioned whether
Bin Laden was killed,

and he went on Alex Jones' show
and said this, regarding the WTC.

It's hard for me to believe
that it came down by itself.

I think 20 years from now,
people will look at 9-11

the way we look at
the assassination of JFK today.

Couldn't have been done
the way the government said.

What a very talented legal mind !
And it is frankly telling

that even FOX news anchor Bret Baier
didn't stand behind the story.

We love the judge,
we love him here at FOX,

but the FOX News division was
never able to back up those claims.

That is like how you talk
about a racist grandparent.

We love nana,
we love her very much.

But we cannot stand behind
the things she says,

nor would the rest of us
use those specific words.

she has been watching "The Wire".

If Stringer Bell can say it,
why can't she ? That's her point.

If FOX News admits a story
is bullshit, then it is bullshit.

So all the Trump team had to do
was apologize, and move on.

They were so close
to doing that.

A senior administration official said
Spicer and NSA Adviser H.R. McMaster

offered an apology
to the British government.

Spicer disputed that saying
the administration had no regrets.

That is Sean Spicer saying
he has no regrets, which is amazing.

If anyone on this planet
should have fucking regrets,

it is you, Madame Ghostbuster,
you should regret everything.

Every life decision that brought you
into this regretful job you hold.

You should really be more regret
than man, a Regretotaur,

half man half regretful beast,
cursed to roam the planet

until one day you're released
from your prison

by the firing you will receive in,
let's say two and a half weeks.

There is no evidence
for Trump's claims.

No motivation for the British
government to be part of this.

Just the word
of a mid-transition werewolf

with questionable views on 9-11.

And yet none of that
seems to matter to Trump.

I could tell you why, but
I'll let Fareed Zakaria do it for me.

The president is indifferent
to things that are true or false.

He spent his life bullshitting.
He has succeeded by bullshitting.

He has gotten
the presidency by bullshitting.

It's hard to tell somebody at
that point that bullshit does not work,

because look at the results !

Donald Trump is a bullshit artist.

I know Trump might want
to refute that,

but to be fair someone on TV
did say it, and I am repeating it,

so therefore it must be true.

And now, this.

Morning news shows
celebrating St. Patrick's Day

literally the only way
they know how.

And top o' the mornin' to ya.
We're live

and a great Friday morning
Saint Paddy's day to ya.

Top o' the mornin'.
St. Patrick's Day.

Top o' the mornin' to ya.

Top o' the mornin' to ya.

Top o' the mornin' to ya,
lad and lasses.

Top o' the mornin' to ya.

The victim
was shot on Denver avenue.

Officers located blood
on the car and weapon.

We will bring you more information
as it becomes available.

Well, top o' the mornin' to ya.

Moving on.
For our main story tonight,

we wanted to take a quick
look at the federal budget.

The only beach
read less appropriate than

"Bill Cosby's Little Bill:
One Dark And Scary Night."

Donald Trump a man who promised
he would run America like a business

gave us our clearest sense yet
of how he plans to do that.

The president revealing his new
budget proposal moments ago.

The most dramatic change in
the government since WW II.

This is a budget blueprint
from the president of the US.

A document that he puts out there.
It is his wish list,

the way he would like the government
to be funded

and what his priorities are.

This budget is a blueprint, known
in Washington as a "skinny budget",

sounds like a line-item that Trump
might've included in his pre-nups.

Think of it, this budget,
as a presidential mood board,

of a president
whose mood can always be described

as: "impatient, vain
and horny for malice."

What is in this thing ?

The blueprint calls for a $54 billion
increase in defense spending.

On the left you see the departments
getting an increase,

that would be defense,
Homeland Security, Veterans Affairs.

The agencies facing cuts,
Environmental Protection Agency,

the State Department,
the Agriculture Department,

the Labor Department,
and the list goes on and on.

It is sort of fitting that
the list of budget cuts scroll by

like the end credits for America.

Thanks for helping us out
Agriculture Department !

Hope you find a gig with the next
country that rises from our ashes !

While this budget is unlikely
to pass in its current form,

it is worth taking
a few minutes to look at it.

It gives us a clear sense
of our president's priorities.

It gives us a chance to get to know

another one of the Trump
administration's key characters.

We've met most of them,

Steve Bannon, a wealthy former
Goldman-Sachs banker

who looks like he woke up on a bench
after losing custody of his children.

Kellyanne Conway, the brave
survivor of a terrorist attack

she completely made up.

Stephen Miller, the least popular
boy at vampire school.

For this budget,
we got to know Mick Mulvaney,

whose name, in my accent,
sounds like what you'd call

a random Irish if you're trying
to get him to fight you.

He is the director of
the Office of Management and Budget.

I'll let him give you a glimpse
into the highly scientific process

by which he put
this budget together.

We wrote the budget by going
through the president's speeches,

the interviews he had given
and talking to him directly.

We took those policies
and turned them into numbers.

Mulvaney treated Trump's
past statements

the way Trump treats women.

Randomly singling out a few
and reducing them down to numbers.

Translating the noises

that come out of Trump's face
into hard policy prescriptions

is almost impossible.

Take this statement
on military spending.

You've got to make the country
rich again and strong again

and so you can afford military
and all of the other things.

I don't know what that was.
It sounds like the audiobook

of "A Farewell To Arms" broadcast
by an iPhone submerged in coffee.

Mulvaney heard "increase
defense spending by $54 billion",

that is what he's proposing.

As for the funding
for nuclear weapons,

they had their basis
in statements like this one.

Putin has built up their military,
their military is much stronger.

He's doing nuclear,
our nuclear is old and tired

and his nuclear is tippy top
from what I hear.

Again: I don't know how
you turn that into policy.

Let's trickledickle money bunnies
into our boom-boom budget.

We aim for tippytop.

We're talking about the most lethal
weapons in the history.

So, if we can, tippy-tippy-top.

That apparently means "a $1.4 billion
increase for National Nuclear security"

"while cutting the Department
of Energy's budget by $1.7 billion".

I can't be certain because I don't
speak fluent toddler-psychopath.

These cuts have made headlines.
No one can say they're surprised

by who is on the receiving end
of some of the worst of them.

His 31-percent cut to the EPA
is making good on clear words.

Environmental protection,
what they do is a disgrace.

Every week they come out
with regulations.

Who'll protect
the environment ?

We can leave a little bit
but you can't destroy businesses.

We can leave
a little bit of the environment.

Specifically: this fish,
this bit of crabgrass in Utah

and one of these meerkats.

So, don't get too attached,
one on the right.

There is nothing wrong
with cuts in principle.

With budgets as with haircuts, it's
where and how you cut that matters.

I say that as a grown man

who had bangs on national TV
for seven years.

Cool ? Cool.

Non-defense discretionary spending
is already at its lowest level

relative to GDP in over 15 years,

lower than any year
of Reagan's presidency.

That's what makes something
like Trump's proposed 28-percent cut

to the budget for the State Department
and USAID so frightening.

Secretary Of State, Rex Tillerson,
doesn't seem that worried

and one of the reasons
he gave for that was surprising.

What the president is asking
the State Department to do

is reflective of a couple
of expectations.

As time goes by, there will be
fewer military conflicts

that the U.S. will be
directly engaged in.

You think we're gonna have fewer
military conflicts under Trump ?

There is no way that is true.

He just needs one person to tell him
World War I was called "The Great War"

and he's going to want to have
a better one out of pettiness.

Making big cuts to things
like the State Department

and the EPA
isn't just short-sighted,

it doesn't even
make fiscal sense.

The EPA is responsible for .2%
of federal spending,

and the State Department
and USAID are 1.4%.

So you don't cut those agencies
as a cost-saving measure,

you do it as a "fuck you".

It is the budgetary equivalent
of inviting Mitt Romney out to dinner

at Jean-Georges before not offering
him a cabinet position.

That was awesome by the way.
Trump is so consistently monstrous,

sometimes out of coincidence,
he happens to do something amazing.

Trump is truly the stopped clock
of assholes.

His pettiness extends on tiny items
his budget eliminates funding for,

like the National Endowments
for the Arts and the Humanities

and the Corporation
for Public Broadcasting,

which last year made up less than
.02% of federal spending.

According to Mulvaney, it is unfair
to expect people to pay that much.

When you start looking at the places
that will reduce spending,

can we really continue to ask
a coal miner in West Virginia

or a single mom in Detroit
to pay for these programs ?

We can ask them
to pay for defense,

but not to continue to pay for
Public Broadcasting.

That argument isn't just insulting,
it's absolutely ridiculous.

The military keeps single mothers safe,
on a day-today basis,

"Bob the Builder"
is a lifesaver for them.

Declan, honey, mommy's gonna lie
down while you watch some Bob.

He's the only man
I trust anymore.

If your real concern is for
the hard-earned dollars

of single mothers and coal miners,
let's break that down.

Because if your single
mother needs to work

and her child attends a school,
she'll need access to WINGS for Kids,

an after-school program that
serves 1 600 children in three states.

Guess what ?

Under President Trump's new
proposed federal budget,

WINGS' source of funding
would be eliminated.

Bridget Laird is the CEO.

- How does that make you feel ?
- Devastated.

Jessica Williams has two daughters
in the program.

What happens if it goes away ?

I really don't know how I could...
I really don't know. I would be lost.

That is a really bad cut.
I say that as a man who no one stopped

from going into a SuperCuts
with a photo of Demi Moore in "Ghost"

and saying:
"this, but worse."

As for Mick Mulvaney's
hypothetical coal miners,

let's look at what Trump's budget
cuts from the Appalachian region.

One program at risk of losing funding
is Appalachian Regional Commission,

which funded 35 different projects and
programs in Tennessee last year.

35 programs in Tennessee !
That list includes

the Healthier Tennessee
Communities Initiative,

The Boys & Girls Clubs
of Tennessee Valley

and The Governor's Books
From Birth Foundation.

All contain positive words, I'm
presuming that also in line for cuts

are The Kid-Kitten
Hardhat Alliance

and the Grandma's Wish Coalition
for Warm Cookies from the Oven.

The cookies will be thrown away,
the grandma will be put down.

Those cuts are coming in a state
that went for Trump.

Which leads us
to the weirdest thing of all:

some of the cuts in Trump's budget
impact groups that voted for him.

Rural airports. We spend money to
help subsidize rural airports

where they otherwise
couldn't have air service.

Maybe on principle that's a bad thing,

but the people who are gonna lose
their airports if we stop doing that

are the Trump voters.

Trump's rise was fueled
by people in red states

who were irritated that liberals
refer to them as "flyover country".

But this budget could turn some
of them into flyover country

because there would be
no other option.

Even some Republicans
are now wary of this budget.

Hal Rogers, former chair of the
House Appropriations Committee,

called many of the cuts "draconian,
careless and counter-productive."

A Republican saying that
about budget cuts

is like a toddler telling you:
"this balloon fucking sucks".

Really ?
I really thought you liked those !

Trump's defenders will say this
is him being a businessman.

It's a negotiation. The sort of thing
you could learn all about in his book:

The Art of the... I Seem To Be
Betraying Everyone Who Supported Me,

Well, Forget It. Let's Talk About
All The Trim I Got In The 80s !

But if anything resembling
this budget passes,

many of Trump's voters
will wind up getting burned.

And they are going to be angry.
Trump himself should know that,

given that, in "The Art of the Deal",
he said this.

You can't con people,
at least not for long.

You can create excitement,
you can do wonderful promotion

and get all kinds of press, and
you can throw in a little hyperbole.

If you don't deliver the goods,
people will eventually catch on.

I think people are catching on.

It's taking
longer than is perhaps ideal,

but soon all of us will be fed up
right up to the tippy fucking top.

And now this.

A special St. Patrick's Day moment
from Fox & Friends.

Today is St. Patrick's Day,
so we'll be celebrating throughout.

What did you just do ?

I moved the leprechaun. Didn't realize
there was one behind me.

A couple of years ago
when we had a leprechaun on the show !

I don't think
that video's available.

You wish that video
wasn't available...

Let's go to Judge Andrew Napolitano
with a special...

I got my new buddy here from
the University of Notre Dame.

What a fun memory.

We hired this leprechaun
off of Craigslist.

You get exactly what you pay for.

Fuck you.

And finally this week,
before we go,

I know the world
is a bleak place right now.

So we wanted to leave you with
a happy story. It involves Bolivia,

a country you think about so little,
you don't realize that's not Bolivia,

that's Colombia,
except it isn't, that's Venezuela,

that is Colombia,
except it isn't, that's Bolivia,

which is the one
we were looking for.

Which one's Colombia ?
There is no way to know.

The Bolivian city of La Paz
has had problems with their roads,

including traffic jams and
a high rate of fatal accidents.

I know you're thinking:

your "happy" story involves fatal
car accidents in Bolivia ?

Wait, trust me. Because this
is the solution they came up with.

Appropriating the image
of the crosswalks, called "zebras",

and dressed in a costume
of the animal by the same name,

these young people have been going
into the street of La Paz for 13 years,

with the goal of educating
the citizens with love

and changing the chaotic face
of the vehicular traffic in this city.

Admit it:
you didn't see that coming.

Not a single one of you was going:
"Traffic zebras. I'm calling it."

These zebras don't have policing
powers, issue tickets or make arrests.

They just tease people.
And if you look online,

there is incredible footage
of them in action.

From a zebra holding his head
while a man jaywalks,

to one dancing in front of a van
that stops just in the nick of time,

to this zebra risking
his life to stop a car,

to the many clips of zebras dancing,
every single one of which

is absolutely superb.

Watch him throw that down.

You may be wondering:
how did this happen ?

It was based on a similar program
in Colombia

where they dispatched traffic
mimes to monitor pedestrians.

As far as having mimes
rove around your city,

I think we can all agree: no.

Not only is it unpleasant, but being
mocked by a mime doesn't even work.

All you have to say is "I can talk
and you can't." Argument won.

You lock him in a glass box
and you walk away.

Bolivia has taken it up a notch
with this zebra business.

The program started with
24 of them and today

in La Paz alone there are 265.

A population boom so great
it puts actual zebras to shame.

That is saying something because
zebras notoriously have no shame.

Put it away !

That thing is a liability !
Tuck it away !

While it may look fun for people,
this is a real job, with strict rules.

They explained some
of the rules to be zebras like:

honor the costume,
don't eat when you work,

never take your head off.

A good rule.
Never take your head off.

You cannot risk shattering a child's
belief that you are

a 'real' free-roaming, bipedal equid
six thousand miles from Africa.

That applies even in
interview situations.

There are many clips of reporters
shoving microphones in zebras' faces.

Even one with a zebra giving
an interview to another zebra.

This is very significant for me.
I really like what I'm doing

it's not just about
telling people what to do.

Every interview is improved
by a zebra head.

There's a lesson
for everyone there.

Stressful interview with 60 minutes ?
Put on a zebra head.

Tough questions on the red carpet ?
You put on a zebra head.

Sean Spicer ?
Get yourself a zebra head, man.

What is wrong with you ?

Here's the thing: it doesn't just help
with Bolivia's traffic.

Many of the people in those
costumes really need the work.

Many of the zebras are young people
recovering drug addicts and alcoholics.

It's a way for them
to get their lives back on track

and to give
something back to society.

They're not only getting
their lives on track,

the existence of these zebras is
keeping my life on track right now.

And is it any wonder
how beloved these "cebritas" are,

considering the attitude
that they project ?

One never stops being a zebra. I'm
a zebra in my heart, wherever I go.

Yes, the zebra
was inside her the whole time,

which sounds like a description
for a very risque YouTube video.

I've got a few questions here !

How the hell did no one tell me
about this before ?

We've been clear about our interest
in South American countries

you have scant geographical knowledge
of and people in animal costumes.

I have needed
this over the last few months.

The news has been hard. Which brings
me to my second question:

if zebras can make
Bolivian traffic jams bearable,

what else could they help with ?

So here is what we've done:
we made our own Bolivian zebra

and been seeing if they can help
make painful moments easier to take.

Remember Trump's inauguration ?
Tough to watch, right ?

It's a lot easier to watch
with a zebra involved.

I, Donald John Trump
do solemnly swear...

I, Donald John Trump,
do solemnly swear...

That I will faithfully execute...

That I will faithfully execute...

The office of president
of the United States.

The office of president
of the United States.

See ? It's better, right ?

Again: it doesn't change anything,
but it is easier to watch.

This works for moments
of frustration, too.

Remember Tuesday night,
when Rachel Maddow made you sit

through 19 minutes of preamble to get
to what amounted to nothing ?

You know what could've helped ?
A zebra to share your pain.

Somebody has decided
to leak

a portion of his 2005 tax return,
which is how and why we got it

and I am sure it is only the start

but it's a start
and our little piece of it.

We just got it.
We'll go through it next.

I promise, it works for anything.
Take "Manchester by the Sea".

Pretty harrowing movie !
That couple went through hell.

Now if only
they weren't so alone.

Maybe you don't wanna talk
to me. Let me finish.

My heart was broken.

It's always gonna be broken.

And I know yours is broken, too.

Look, I think it's pretty clear.

With things in America
the way they are now,

we need these zebras
like never before.

We've uploaded footage
of a green screen zebra

going through
a variety of emotions.

Use them however you want.
Let us know whatever you did

with the hashtag JustAddZebras.

That is our show.
Thank you for watching.

We'll be off next week. Good night.
Please enjoy a dancing zebra !