Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - American Health Care Act - full transcript

John Oliver talks about American Health Care Act in detail. He also talks about International Women's Day and CIA Wikileaks.

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Welcome to Last Week Tonight.
I'm John Oliver.

Thank you for joining us.
A quick recap of the week.

On Wednesday, it was
International Women's Day,

or as I call it,
Int-Her-National Women's Day.

Hashtag feminism,
hashtag hashtag feminism.

The best way of gauging
not just how far women have come,

but how far
they still have to go,

is by watching powerful men
around the world

trip over their dicks
talking about the day.

Let's start with Vladimir Putin.

Women give us life and
perpetuate it in our children.

We will do our utmost to surround
our dear women with care and attention

so that they can smile more often.

Perfect. If there are
two things that women love,

it's being told to smile more
and being surrounded.

Come on, baby. You're such
pretty gender when you smile.

Give Vladimir a little twirl.

Putin is a model of sensitivity

next to the speech given
by Brazilian president Michel Temer.

Today women participate
strongly in the economy too.

Nobody is more capable of pointing
out changes in supermarket prices

better than women.

He reduced the economic contribution
of half of Brazil's population to:

"women be shoppin', y'all."

This year, there was no more
spectacular celebration

than in San Antonio, Texas,

where one local morning show
host really gave it his all.

Today is International Women's Day
so ladies, don't worry, it's your day.

You can do whatever you want.
It's workout Wednesday.

It's time to get that bikini body
in time for summer.

Ladies, you can do whatever
you want, crunches, curls,

maybe some light cardio,
point is, keep it tight.

It's your day. But keep it tight.
He was just getting started.

It's just me today,
Kimberly's in traffic but it's ok,

it's Women's Day
so she can do that today.

This year Women's Day will come
together with "A Day Without",

women being on strike.

When it comes down to it,
that's where we all come from.

What ? That is a pretty limited
understanding of human reproduction.

I bet if you asked him to label
a chart of the female anatomy,

he'd write "noice" across
the top of it and call it a day.

He went on and on.
He attempted to ad-lib his way

through a whole story
in a manner so incompetent,

it made you feel
the stuck-in-traffic Kimberly

probably does most
of the heavy lifting on that show.

In that sense, I'm not sure
that anyone this week

managed to show better what
a day without women is all about.

Kimberly, I don't know
who you are or what you do,

but I sure as shit know what
happens when you're not there.

Tomorrow, go into the office
and ask for a fucking raise.

So, for now, let's move on
to the CIA. My employer...

I wasn't supposed to say that !
They're gonna be so mad with me.

The CIA had a difficult week.

WikiLeaks has a bombshell,
publishing these documents.

What could be the biggest exposure
of US intelligence gathering methods

since Snowden's leak.

The spy agency
has become the spied upon !

There is a certain satisfaction
in seeing that.

It's akin to going and shitting
on the neighborhood dog's lawn.

How do you fucking like it ?
How do you like it now ?

The documents initially
sounded pretty alarming.

According to WikiLeaks,
the CIA explored the possibility

of hacking
into the software of modern cars.

It can be accessed from outside
and taken control of

and this can let you do from
playing the music to taking control

and crashing it if you want
to assassinate somebody.

That escalated quickly.

First I'll make them listen
to Coldplay and then it's murder !

Listen again to how that report
characterized this news.

According to WikiLeaks,
the CIA explored the possibility

of hacking
into the software of modern cars.

They "explored the possibility" of it.
And that is important.

We knew that cars could,
technically, be hacked.

So it's not surprising the CIA might
be interested in doing that, too.

But "exploring the possibility
of doing something"

isn't the same as doing it.

A list of things I've thought about
doing but have not done includes:

karate, chess, guitar,
becoming a "wine guy",

CrossFit, going vegan,
learning Spanish, alpaca farming,

and being a guy with a woodshop
making the perfect birdhouse.

This story ate up a lot of media time.

Allegations were slightly less
alarming than early coverage suggested.

Take another one
of the big claims.

A program called Weeping Angel,
which can remotely turn

a Samsung TV anywhere in the world
into a secret listening device.

One CIA hacking operation
called Weeping Angel.

If you've got a Samsung TV,
you think you're watching TV ?

That thing is watching you.

Okay, first: she should
deliver all of the news.

"19 dead in a blazing apartment fire,
all of them children, girlfriend."

"Weeping Angel" sounds
less like a spy program

and more like a tactic your mom
uses to keep you from masturbating.

Look at the Weeping Angel, David.
You did that ! You made her cry !

The notion that the CIA can listen
to anyone through their TV is scary.

If you read the documents,
you'll find this program applies

to Samsung TVs
from 2012 and 2013,

and the malware
was installed via USB,

so the CIA needed to physically
stick that into your TV.

Experts advise that there's still
a potential way to circumvent it.

It's a little complicated.
Step one: unplug the TV.

And that is it. End of steps.
You're off the grid.

But what is most important
regarding these revelations

is CIA, with some exceptions,
is barred from spying domestically.

There is nothing in these documents
showing illegal surveillance.

Which is not to say there wasn't
interesting stuff in there.

Weeping Angel was the beginning
of the CIA's stupid code names.

A range of CIA programs
with code names like After Midnight

and Brutal Kangaroo all in the hands
of terrorists and foreign targets.

It's not just After Midnight
and Brutal Kangaroo.

Other programs were called
Crunchy Lime Skies, Elder Piggy,

AngerQuake and McNugget.

Which are also the names of
a'cappella groups at Dartmouth.

You should hear Crunchy Lime Skies'
rendition of "Roar." It is fierce !

I am not saying these leaks
are not a big deal.

The fact that WikiLeaks obtained
these documents is significant.

This story is still developing.
There's only one thing we can say

and that is that the big loser so far
is Samsung.

They have had
a rough couple of months.

Remember what happened
with their phones.

Burning and melting. Samsung
issuing an unprecedented recall

of millions of new Galaxy Note 7
smart phones.

Wanted to post this and share
what happened to my Note 7.

Everyone rocking the new Note 7,
might catch fire.

Not ideal. That is the worst thing
that can happen with a phone

other than someone leaving a voicemail
instead of text like a normal person.

It is not just Samsung's phones.

Washing machines, exploding.

I'm totally scared.

Lids flying off. Samsung launching
a nationwide recall in November.

I'm afraid to do laundry,
it could hurt my kids.

"I'm afraid to do laundry" is not
a great review of a washing machine.

It is a fantastic review
of "Jaws 5: Laundry Shark".

Samsung is having
a spectacularly bad run of PR,

they should come clean about
all their other products' flaws.

Hi, we're Samsung,
and we understand

you might be a little nervous around
our products at the moment,

and we just want you to know,
we totally get it.

Our promise is no more surprises !
Cards on the table, here's the truth.

Our phones secretly call your mom
whenever you're having sex.

Our laptop computers scream
in pain any time you touch them.

Our robot vacuums will fuck your cat.
And your cat is gonna like it.

Here's a fun fact:
our Smart TVs firmly believe

that Bill Cosby is innocent.

No shit. Our fitness watch
is actually fine,

but it does make you
look like a total douche.

And finally,
our dryers make things wetter.

We know.

But the one promise we can
absolutely make you

is that none of our products
will explode anymore.

Shit ! Okay.
Maybe the phones, I guess.

But definitely not the...
Shit. No.

Put the vacuum up.
Oh my God, it's on fire.

The vacuum's on fire.
How is it still moving ?

Fuck !

Tell me the watch is okay. You
fucking tell me that watch is okay.

No ! Oh, God, fuck me.

The point is, our dryers,
they are fine.

Fuck you.

Samsung. At least our logo
works, right ? Come on !

Moving on. For our main story,
we're going to look at Obamacare.

The opposite of this photo, which
is more "Obama-Don't-Give-A-Fuck".

We devoted 20 minutes
to Republicans' efforts

to repeal and replace that bill.

The reason we have to talk
about it again is this.

Republicans reveal their long-awaited
replacement for Obamacare.

House Republicans roll out
a health care plan.

The Republican plan
to replace Obamacare is public.

This is
the American Health Care Act.

Yes, it's finally here !
The American Health Care Act:

you may not have wanted it,
but it's here anyway.

It's the legislative equivalent of
"Pirates Of The Caribbean Five:"

"The Curse of Johnny Depp Getting
Divorced and Needing the Money".

As will be the case with that movie,
the early reviews have been rough.

This is dead on arrival.

Conservatives hate their bill.
Obamacare lite, dead on arrival.

It seems dead on arrival.

They're calling it garbage.
They're calling it dead on arrival.

Yes, much like the life
behind Melania Trump's eyes,

the AHCA looked dead by the time
it was introduced in Washington.

The bill got enemies quickly.
American Medical Association,

American Hospital Association,
American Nurses Association

and the AARP
all came out against it.

Even people you would presume
would be happy about the repeal

were not exactly thrilled.

Let me show you what was
the front page of Breitbart.

Freedomworks Opposes Speaker
Ryan's Obamacare 2.0 Plan.

I don't think
they meant that in a nice way.

I don't think they do either.
They mean it in the sense of:

"Ryan is a beta-male who needs
safe space for his cuckservative bill".

People on both sides see the
AHCA as being shitty Obamacare.

The way Old Navy is a shitty
version of the Gap,

and the way Easter should
just be called Shitty Christmas.

Only one month 'till Shitty Christmas !
What are you asking for ?

It had better be a basket of beans,
that's what you're getting !

This bill is not actually
dead on arrival.

There is still a chance
it could become law.

We need to take a look
at what is inside this thing.

Let's start with one
of the big changes.

It gets rid of Obamacare's
insurance tax credits,

based on many factors,
including income,

and they've replaced that
with a flat tax credit based on age.

The proposal provides tax credits
to help pay for premiums.

Someone under the age of 30
would get $2 000.

Someone 60 and older
would get $4 000.

Okay. So, the older you get
the more money you get.

Think of it as the exact opposite
of being a woman in Hollywood.

As we discussed two weeks ago,
the key question here is,

do the size of those credits cover
the cost of health insurance,

or are you left, like a middle-aged
man in a thong, under-covered ?

I'm sorry: can, can we just take
that down ? That's much better.

The Kaiser Family Foundation
made a tool showing you

how you might be impacted
by this new bill,

based on your age,
income and location.

It's like a choose-your-own game
for a very specific type of child.

If your kid likes Caillou,
he will love this interactive map

of tax credits from
the Kaiser Family Foundation.

Let's say you live in Woodward
County, Oklahoma, you're 60,

and you earn $50 000 a year,
under Obamacare,

you'd get $13 350 towards

But under the new bill,
that will drop down to $4 000.

That is over two-thirds less !

It's not one of those two-thirds
decreases you barely notice,

like when Robin and Barry
of The Bee Gees died.

I'm kidding. Barry is fine,
Robin and Maurice are dead.

Or are they ?
The point is: they are.

I have no idea, you either, and I don't
see either one of us Googling it soon.

That is one example.
There are a lot of people

who would be harmed by
the switch to these flat tax credits

and experts say one thing
is pretty clear here:

those who are lower-income
would be particularly hurt.

That is before we even get
into Medicaid,

the program that provides health care
to poor and disabled Americans.

That is where this bill
gets really vicious.

You know the changes are rough

from how creepily enthusiastic
Paul Ryan sounds talking about them.

Let me describe what this bill
does for conservatives.

This is why I think people need to see
the forest through the trees.

We are defederalizing
an entitlement,

block granting it back to the states
and capping its growth rate.

That's never been done before.

He is rock hard
talking about that.

Somehow, you can hear
his erection during that.

If you don't know, that sounds
like a benign pile of words.

But when he says "defederalizing,
block granting and capping",

what that means in layman's terms
is cutting the shit out of Medicaid.

The plan would cut at least 370
billion in federal funding for Medicaid

over the next ten years.

States would have to make up that
gap to maintain current coverage.

Which for many of them
will be next to impossible.

So when they don't,

millions of the poorest Americans
will lose coverage, millions.

And I heard Ryan getting
another erection

when I said those words.

And when you combine that with
the insufficient tax credits,

6 to 15 million people
are projected to lose insurance.

To hear Jason Chaffetz tell it,
there is an easy solution.

Americans have choices and
they've got to make a choice.

And so maybe rather than
getting that new iPhone

maybe they should
invest in their own healthcare.

That is complete bullshit.

It's hard to take a lecture
on making good choices

from a man who entered
a barbershop and said:

"Give me the wet poodle pubes.
Make it look like this photo I took."

If insurance cost as an iPhone,
we wouldn't be having this debate.

People are going to be hurt
by this bill

and those hit the hardest
who stand to lose $5 000 or more

under the new plan are, a group
that voted for Trump by a huge margin.

Which is pretty frustrating.

It's like if the people of Pompeii
voted for the volcano.

I know you get to define
your own self-interest,

but I wish you hadn't voted
for that volcano.

If this bill is bad for older
Americans, poor Americans

and many Trump supporters
and all these groups oppose it,

who exactly is it for ?

Wealthy Americans are set
to get a sizable tax break

under the GOP's healthcare bill.

And the ultra wealthy will see
an even bigger tax cut.

Those in the top 1% of incomes
will get a tax break of around $33 000.

Those in the top 0.1% will get
an average tax cut

of about $197 000
under the GOP plan.

Indeed. So this plan is literally
taking money from the poor

and giving it to the very rich.

It's a reverse Bernie Sanders,
which is actually also the name

of a sex act consisting
of very aggressive fingering.

It is not just liberals
uncomfortable with this idea.

Paul Ryan visited "Tucker Carlson's
second second-chance attempt"

"at his own TV news show
with Tucker Carlson"

and found himself under attack.

Kind of a hard sell to say:
"we're gonna repeal Obamacare"

"but we'll send more money to those
who've gotten the richest."

I'm not a leftist. That's true !

I'm not a leftist, that's true.
Ryan's plan is so harsh,

it just caused a 47-year-old boy-man
in a bowtie named "Tucker"

to worry about seeming overly
sympathetic to the poor.

Before you point out that
Carlson isn't wearing a bowtie...

He is.
Just not where you can see it.

Many Republican governors
and members of Congress

expressed concern that this bill
is going to hurt their states.

Those on the far right wing
of the party,

like Congressman Mo Brooks,
think it's way too generous.

This far and away is the biggest
welfare program ever sponsored,

it increases greater reliance on
welfare from the government.

It's gonna to result in the demise
of our country or at least contribute

to our debilitating insolvency.

So this bill seems almost
universally hated in Washington.

It is truly the Ted Cruz
of healthcare legislation.

Fuck you, Ted.
Fuck you, from everybody.

The White House clearly
has a tough sales job ahead,

their efforts
have been less than impressive.

Watch White House Press Secretary,
Melissa McCarthy, deploy visual aids.

For all the people who have
concerns about this, look at the size.

This is the Democrats,
this is us.

You can't get any clearer in terms
of "this is government", "this is not".

First: she's a national treasure.

That is the most aggressively
stupid thing I've ever seen.

I saw Jason Chaffetz suggest
paying for health insurance

by retroactively not buying
an iPhone.

That low page count starts
to get worrisome when you find out

what they spend time
in there focusing on.

A section devoted to making sure
people receiving health care assistance

who win the lottery are removed
from the program.

Six pages of this bill is devoted

to letting states dis-enroll
high dollar lottery winners.

So a not-insignificant percentage
of this bill is focused on:

"what if one poor person
suddenly becomes less poor ?"

I'm surprised they didn't
have a section for

what would happen in the event
of a Freaky Friday-type situation.

If a recipient Freaky-Fridays into
the body of an individual

living above 138 percent
of the federal poverty line,

states are obligated to de-enroll
recipient until Freaky-Fridays back,

using wish or magic
not otherwise specified

or Freaky-Fridays
into an eligible body.

And yet, despite all of this,

Republican leaders are
trying to jam this bill through.

It had been introduced in the house
and passed by two committees.

And yet there is one person,
you noticed I haven't mentioned so far:

and that is Donald Trump.

He's been
largely absent from our story,

because he's been absent
from this story in general.

Putting aside the prop comedy
of the star of "Mike and Molly",

the White House has been
pretty hands-off with this bill.

And is there really any way,
deep down,

that Trump has read this thing,
given that he recently said this ?

We have come up with a solution
that's really very good.

I have to tell you:
it's an unbelievably complex subject.

Nobody knew health care
could be so complicated.

Everybody knew
health care is complicated.

Literally everybody. It is the one
thing people know about health care.

It's complicated.
It's like you're saying:

"Who knew King Tut was dead ?"
Everybody did.

He's as dead as Barry,
Maurice or Robin Gibb.

Or all of them, or none of them.
There's no way to find out.

Trump has been distant
from this whole process

and nothing shows that more
than how this bill is being branded.

Is it by any other name,
Trumpcare ?

I'll call it Trumpcare if you want to,

but I didn't hear President Trump
say I want my name on that.

Holy shit. Trump is not clamoring
to put his name on this bill

and he has put his name on some
of the shittiest products in history.

He put his name on a vodka,
even though he doesn't drink,

whose slogan was "success
distilled", which was discontinued.

He put his name on Trump ties,
which look like the answer to:

"if erectile dysfunction was a fabric,
what fabric would it be ?"

He even slapped his first and
last names on Donald Trump Jr.,

a man who looks like a six-year-old's
drawing of a mean bank teller.

Trump not wanting his name
on the health care bill

is like Tyler Perry not wanting
his name anywhere near

"Jew!: A Madea Hannukah."

I can kind of understand Trump
not wanting his name on this.

It contains nothing
that he promised,

as Laura Ingraham pointed out
on Fox and Friends.

The Trumpism of the healthcare
reform, the Trumpiest parts of it,

were transparency in pricing,
competition across state lines

and even on the edges, repealing
the McCarran-Ferguson Act.

Where is that in this plan ?

I'll tell you, it's not in there.
He is pushing a health-care bill

that is missing a lot
of what he said he wanted.

That is the top-shelf dealmaking
that you can read all about

in his bestselling book:
"The art of the... wait !"

"What was the deal I wanted
again ? I forget."

"Let's talk about how hot
my daughter is, right, fellas ?"

Trump noticed that criticism.
Shortly after the segment aired,

he tweeted, don't worry,
getting rid of state lines,

which will promote competition,
will be in phase 2 & 3 of rollout.

As if to eliminate any doubt as to
he was watching Fox and Friends

he ended the tweet:

Just about that
"buying across state lines" business:

Trump and Ryan keep promising
that it's just around the corner.

It probably won't lower prices.
These three states currently allow it,

but not a single out-of-state-insurer
has taken them up on the offer,

which make sense.

If you're an insurer in Massachusetts,
it takes a massive amount of time

and investment to set up new networks
of doctors and hospitals in Maine.

Assuming Maine even has

I think it's mainly beavers
with stethoscopes.

This state line thing is something
people love to talk about in theory

but no one wants
to do in practice,

like apple picking
or shower sex.

The bigger issue is, it's almost
certainly not going to happen.

The state-lines bullshit and a lot
of other things Trump promised

are not in this bill because they
cannot be, as Ryan well knows.

Inter-state shopping across
state lines. We love that policy,

but you cannot put that
in a budget reconciliation bill,

it could be filibustered.

Exactly. For procedural reasons,
this is presented as a budget bill.

Which Republicans can pass
with a simple senate majority.

Any non-budget-related policy change
requires 60 votes to beat a filibuster.

That is pretty much a dead-end.
Meaning that this bill is

all Trump can get passed
to replace Obamacare.

So it is important everyone
understands what is in it,

and that the "something terrific"
that he promised,

better coverage, lower costs, no
one losing their health insurance.

This bill is not it.

The bill Trump is championing will
increase costs for poorer Americans

and will cause millions
to lose coverage.

Somebody needs
to explain this to him.

Since he is clearly still
watching Fox and Friends,

we might actually be able
to help here.

You might remember last month,
we bought time on that show

to have our Catheter Cowboy explain
what the nuclear triad is.

Saddle up, partner,
for tonight, you ride again !

Who better to tell Trump
what this bill will do

than someone
who's stands to be hurt by it ?

Someone in his sixties,
in rural America,

with an unspecified medical problem
that requires constant treatment ?

Please enjoy this ad, which will air
on Fox and Friends in the D.C. area.

Attention patients.

Hi, me again. I'm a professional
cowboy and I use catheters.

Been cowboyin' for 25 years and
there's two things I know:

I don't like paying when I cath
and healthcare is complicated.

Everybody knows that,
literally, everybody.

Also if my premiums go up
and subsidies go down,

I'm gonna wind up paying more,
basic math there.

That's like replacing my catheter
with a garden hose.

I do not like pain when I cath.

If that happens, millions of folks
like me might get real angry,

which is worth thinking about
if you like being popular.

You get that, right ? Right ?

You get that ?

Right ?

Right ?

You get that, right ?

That's our show !
See you next week. Goodnight !

How is that moving ?
Why is it not dead ? It's on fire !

That's fucked up right there.
Is it me ? Or is that fucked up ?

Shit. Fuck this whole thing.
We are grossly irresponsible.

It's coming right at me.
Fuck this.

I can't even believe I agreed
to do this. You guys suck.