Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 8 - HR's Rough n' Stuff - full transcript

Hi, Mikey. How you doing?

Busy, busy, busy.

Yeah, I can hear that, buddy. Listen...

I need to talk to you about Kyle.

I need to talk to you about
the meaning of the word "busy."

I hear that you didn't
like the ad he posted

for the HR position.

No, I didn't. Did-did you read it?

No. Okay, let's take a look here.

All righty. "Sporting goods chain seeks

"entry-level human
resources administrator.



Must be friendly but, if not,
will teach how to be friendly."

"Experience preferred.

"But if you have no
experience, that's okay.

You've probably been doing
other really interesting things."

I-I think you're being
a little hard on him.

I'm just asking him to do
his job like everybody else.

Well, he can't be like
everybody else. He's Kyle.

The world needs one of those.

You know, that's what you
said about Charlie Sheen.

I love the kid, too, but
he's just not working out.

Hey, Mr. B. You wanted to see me?

My cue to leave.

Kyle, you're a very special person.

No matter what anyone says,



everything you do is correct.

What was that about?

He's dying.

H-How do you feel things
are working out for you

in Personnel?

Uh, I don't know.

I'd like it better if
we could hire everybody.

Can we hire everybody?

Hey, Baxter. I need you to sign off

on the new security protocol manual.

I already signed off on it.
It's on that flat piece of wood

out there called your desk
that you're never sitting at.

Okay, okay. Chill out.

Someone woke up on the
wrong side of the coffin.

Here's everybody.

What's
crack-a-lackin'?

That's how the kids used to say

"What's going on?"
back in the early 2000s.

Well, I'll tell you
what's going out is you,

you denim-covered marshmallow.

Take Chuckles with you. Come on.

I have a deep, throaty laugh.

I don't know where he
gets "Chuckles" from.

"Denim-covered marshmallow."

Ooh, I'm hungry.

Okay. Look, I'm just gonna say it.

I-I think you're too
nice to work in Personnel.

I think you're too nice
to work at Disneyland.

You know, but we'll
find a place for you.

Where? You know, I-I've been in
Sales, uh, Shipping, Personnel.

I wouldn't mind going back to Sales,

but I just hired three guys.

For the same job.

Yeah, you're right.

- Personnel is not working out.
- No.

Maybe it's time I go with Plan B.

Good, good. What's-what's your Plan B?

Oh, that's the name of my
cousin's house painting company.

You've probably seen their ads.

Uh, "Plan B. When the
best is too expensive."

Look, Outdoor Man is your family.

We'll find a place for you.

All right.

Kyle.

Listen, I don't know what
this man said to you...

...but Charlie Sheen bounced back.

So can you.

- Oh, I-it's okay.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, Mr. B says we'll-we'll
find my place.

You got to stop idolizing Charlie Sheen.

Just trying to soften the blow.

Listen, maybe we should
give him his old job back.

You know, you know, gussy
it up a little with a,

with a fancy new title.

He was a floater.

Executive floater, supervising floater.

The only way to dress up a floater

is with colored toilet paper.

I just don't want to see
the kid hurt, that's all.

Maybe we should give him a
job that he can't fail at.

He just got married. He
wants to start a family.

He needs a job that
can turn into a career.

All right, look, if it's about money,

- he doesn't have to worry.
- Well, of course he has.

- He needs money. He's got to work.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, I-I haven't told him this yet,

but I've been thinking of
putting Kyle in my will.

- What?
- Yes, yes,

he's the closest thing I have to family.

You know, you have an actual family.

I want to take care of the kid.

Kyle's not the type of man
that wants to be taken care of.

He's the type of man that
wants to take care of people.

Okay. Fine, fine, fine.

So I-I shouldn't put him in my will?

No, do that. Then I won't
have to leave Mandy anything.

- Hey.
- Hey. Where's Boyd?

Oh, he's getting his
stuff out of the car.

Listen, Boyd is gonna ask if
we can dog-sit for his friend.

I told him no, and you
are going to back me up.

Totally. Of course.

What kind of dog?

Uh, the kind we'd have to walk

and feed and pick up after,

which is a lot of work.

United front, okay?

Yeah, of course.

Dad.

So, my friend Jeff is going
to Utah with his family,

and he asked if we would
take care of his dog, Murphy.

Murphy? That's a really great name.

He can catch a Frisbee
and throw it back.

What? No way.

I mean...

no way am I gonna allow that.

If you put a piece
of cheese on his nose,

he won't eat it until
you say the magic word.

- What's the magic word?
- "Eat."

We got to get this dog.

- Ryan!
- Thanks, Dad!

I'm sorry, okay, Kris,
but you didn't tell me

he was the coolest dog in the world.

Please, Mom. If you point your
finger at him and say, "Bang,"

he falls over.

Okay.

But you have to do all of the work.

I will.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'm gonna call Jeff.

Okay.

I think I, uh, messed up
the whole united front thing.

Yeah, a little bit.

But he falls over when you say, "Bang."

I know. That's what got me, too.

Hey, Mandy.

What you up to?

You're doing a crossword?

Yes. Don't act so surprised.

Alexa, what's the capital of Morocco?

Morocco's capital city is Rabat.

Rabat!

So, who's doing the crossword?

We're doing it together.

She can do a lot of
things, but she can't write.

You know, I had to pull
Kyle out of Personnel today.

Why? And tell me the truth.

Unless it's bad. In
that case, lie to me.

Honey, it just wasn't
a good fit, you know?

But I think I might have found
the perfect position for him.

You know, he's good with people,

and I'm thinking of Human Resources.

Fred's out of town on vacation.

I'm gonna let, uh, Kyle
fill in, learn the ropes.

I think he's gonna be
perfect in that position.

You have to stop doing this to him.

Trying to help him with his career?

That's how you see it.

Kyle sees it as him failing
at one job after another.

Well, sometimes it takes a while to...

to match someone's skill set
with the right job, you know?

Especially when their skill
set's as-as u-unique as Kyle's.

Dad, listen,

would you say we have
the perfect family?

I'd say the top of that
pyramid's pretty solid.

Well... to Kyle,
we are the perfect family.

You know, compared to his.

By that measure, the Mansons
look like The Brady Bunch.

And sometimes, you know,
he feels like he's just...

- not on our level.
- I know.

He-He's been told his whole life
he'd never amount to anything,

and I think that there's
a part of him deep inside

that believes that.

Do you believe that?

No, of course not.

Kyle's the best man I've ever met.

I think you probably
mean the second-best man.

No.

I love Kyle. I believe in Kyle.

What I'm trying to get

is to get Kyle to believe in Kyle.

You sure about this?

'Cause I don't think he
can handle another failure.

He's not gonna fail at this.

- Okay. Thanks, Dad.
- You bet.

You're the best.

Oh, I think you mean second-best.

Yeah.

Hey, Kyle. How's it going?

Oh. Hey, Mr. B.

Ooh.

Does Mandy know that
you have another family?

Oh, that's-that's Fred's family.

I've been answering a lot

- of questions today.
- Good, good, good.

Most of them were, "Where's Fred?"

You got this. You got this.

Hey, Mike.

Well, look who showed up,

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumbass.

Good one, Baxter.

King of zings!

Where's Fred?

Oh, uh, he's on vacation.

Well, look, just tell him we stopped by.

- Yeah.
- Or don't.

- Uh, never mind.
- Uh, hey, wait.

Uh, is there a problem?

Because, if there is, I'm
supposed to help solve it.

Well, we'd like to file a complaint

- against someone.
- Yeah.

Oh. That's too bad.

Uh, give me a second.

We have a form for that.

Okay, and who are we filing
the complaint against?

- Mike Baxter.
- Mike Baxter.

Where's Fred?

- Oh, I can't get over how cute he is.
- Oh.

- Come here. Hey.
- Is he here? Oh!

Okay.

I got everything on the
list, including his dog food.

Happy to see that, like
me, he's gluten-free.

But he's wearing fur.

You should talk to him about that.

A pig's ear.

- Gross and cool.
- Okay.

Come on, Boyd. Let's
go put that stuff away.

Okay.

So, Murphy, what should we do first?

Oh!

Stay?

Kris? Honey?

Uh, can you come in here
for a second, please?

Did he shake your hand?

I know. It's adorable.

No, he was, um...

Was he totally fine with you in here?

Of course. Who's the best
dog in the whole world, huh?

- You are. You are.
- Okay.

Are you okay with him?

Yeah. Of course. Fine.
I'm great with animals.

President of the 4-H Club.

Trimmed a badger's nails once.

Okay. I'm gonna go start dinner.

Great.

Oh.

Why don't you do that when
other people are in the room?

Do you know how personal that seems?

Bang?

Yeah, no, didn't think so.

I forgot. Uh, who was it again

you wanted to file a complaint against?

Uh-huh. For the fifth time,

Mike Baxter.

But what's to complain about?

His hair's too full?

His eyes are too blue?

No, he's too mean, okay?

And you're a little too much in love.

I'm a Marine.

I can deal with a few insults.

What I can't deal with

is someone demeaning
me in front of my staff.

You know, it's the same
thing at the garage.

He goes out of his way
to call me slow and lazy,

but he... never calls
to see how I'm doing.

He doesn't mean anything by it.

Uh, Mr. B talks to everyone that way.

I saw him call a Girl Scout
a "cookie-peddling socialist."

Joe, this is a waste of time.

He's the boss's
son-in-law.

You're right. Look, we
don't want any trouble.

- Let's get out of here.
- Oh, yeah. Hang on.

Okay, according to HR policy,

once I've been informed of a complaint,

I have to...

"initiate a grievance hearing."

Oh, that sounds serious.

Grievance hearing... with Mike,
the king of zings?

Oh, hell no.

And since Fred's out of town,

I have to run the mediation.

Oh, hell, hell no.

Look, let's just, let's just
wait till Fred gets back.

It doesn't sound like you're
the right man for our case.

Uh, maybe, you know, 'cause
what you're describing

just doesn't sound like
the Mike Baxter that I know.

Hey... guys, leave Kyle alone.

He's trying to make a name for himself.

You already have your
names. What-what are they?

Tweedle Dee.

Tweedle Dumbass.

I love being the boss.

Gentlemen...

I'll take the case.

Yeah. Come in, Kyle. What's up? Come in.

Um, you know, I was hoping

- I could get your advice.
- Yeah.

As you know, I'm-I'm manning
the HR desk while Fred is away.

And you found something in his drawer?

Pills, booze, or a girlie magazine?

Oh, I saw this coming.

What? No. No, the only thing
in Fred's drawer is a Bible.

He's a good man, that Fred.

Yeah. I-I agree, and that's why

I'm thinking it might be better
to wait for him to get back

before HR deals with a complaint.

There's been a complaint?

Was it from that tall guy in shipping?

I swear to God, I thought
his name was "Stilts."

No, no. The-the complaint
is not about you, sir.

Oh.

But it does concern somebody
at the highest level.

Mike.

Oh, I-I really can't say.

But if I could say, I would say "yes."

You really can't sit
on a complaint, Kyle.

That's how they fester.
You can't wait for Fred.

You've got to take
care of this right away.

But Mr. B, he's
my father-in-law.

I mean, in a way, we're related.

That doesn't matter. Sit-sit
down, sit down, sit down. Sit.

Yeah, you have a bright future.

I see great things
for you. Great things.

I bet one day you'll be living
in a house just like mine.

Just exactly like mine.

Oh, I don't think so.

I don't give a damn what you think.

And I'll bet you'll have
a vineyard like mine.

Exactly like mine.

And a coin collection, hmm?

I-I can't think about my future.

I mean, all I can think about

is not wanting to have
to run this hearing.

I understand, but whoever
filed this complaint

came to you for help.

This is your chance
to take care of others.

Ooh. Okay.

- Hmm?
- I'll do it.

Yeah. Okay.

Listen to your heart, Kyle.

One day you'll be sitting
in that mountain cabin

remembering this as the day
you took control of your future.

- Hmm?
- Well, if that's true,

I just hope it's as nice as your cabin.

It will be, son.

You'll see. Exactly.

Okay.

Uh, I call to order
this grievance hearing.

Uh, the complainants are
Chuck Larabee and Joe Leonard,

henceforth known as
"aggrieved parties," against...

Witch hunt!

- Uh, Mr. Baxter.
- Fake news.

Okay, uh, Mr. Baxter, uh, you're
what we call "out of order."

You're damn right he's out of order.

The only thing that works
on that guy is his mouth.

Okay. Okay, uh, Mr. Leonard,
now you are out of order.

Okay, our policy states
that when a participant

violates protocol, I'm required

to put a black mark in
their personnel file.

Why's it got to be black?

It's the only one I have.

Uh, "X."

"X" marks the dummy.

Hey. Oh, you've just
given me a perfect example

of what we call "crosstalk."

Now, to avoid crosstalk,
you'll only speak

when I've given you the signal.

So, uh, Mr. Larabee.

Oh, this finger is the signal, so...

I'm giving you a signal with my finger

under the table right now.

See that?

See that? Mike Baxter
is a sarcastic bastard

who thinks he can say whatever he wants.

He ought to have that smug
smirk wiped off his face

with a closed fist.

Oh, dear. Okay. What to do

when the aggrieved uses
inflammatory language.

This thing needs an index.

Wait a minute. Is that
what this is about?

I hurt somebody's feelings?

Hey, I can't even enjoy
a bear claw at work

without being
called... and I quote...

"Joe-bese."

That's body shaming,
that's what that is.

You're a size-ist. Put that
in his record. Write that...

Hey, hey. Hey, okay,
all right. First of all,

I decide when to mark the X's.

And second of all, I
didn't point at any of you.

So... X, X, X.

Ooh.

That's two X's for you.

Even your file's becoming Joe-bese.

Okay, gentlemen, the
purpose of this hearing is

to give everyone a chance
to be heard, all right?

If you keep speaking out of order,
then-then no one gets heard.

Listen, you're-you're
an ex-Marine, right?

Mm-hmm.

You know, I'm sure I'm not the
only one to call you a bonehead.

That was, like, your rank, wasn't it?
Bonehead?

Mr. B...

My drill sergeant could
kill a man with his thumb.

- What you got?
- Guys...

- Hmm?
- I was told there'd be dinner!

'Cause you haven't eaten
in what, five minutes?

Mr. Baxter!

No. I just want a crudité platter.
That's all.

Please.

Look, I'm dealing with a
snowflake and a snowball.

Man...

Okay, everybody shut up!

Okay, we are gonna have this hearing

in accordance with the proper procedure.

- Nah...
- This is all...

Okay, now you will respect the pointer.

- I don't think...
- Do you hear me?

Respect the pointer!

I don't know about you fellas,

but I'm gonna respect the pointer.

Keep reading.

You know what?

Forget the binder.

Okay? I want you all
to look at each other

and think about the
mean and dismissive words

that you've used at this meeting.

Okay? Like "bastard" and "bonehead"

and "crudité."

Look, that's not how
coworkers talk to each other.

And it's definitely
not how friends should.

At Outdoor Man, we're not
just coworkers, all right?

We're not just friends. We're a family.

And it's time you guys
started acting like one.

See? See? I told you
guys he could do it.

No, I told you he could do it.

Well, we both told each other.

Well, can someone tell me what I did?

Baxter put us all up to
this. There's no complaint.

The man does have a mouth on him,

but I wouldn't go
running to HR. I'd just...

- cut his brake lines.
- Yeah, yeah.

Well, what, so this was a setup?

Yeah, I wrote all those
fat jokes. Those are mine.

It was good, too. It wasn't a setup.

It was more of a test, you know, and,

Joe, Chuck, I appreciate what you did.

Look, I do know your names,
but now, get back to work.

And that "size-ist" thing...
totally improvised that myself.

I had a whole monologue planned.

I was gonna cry.

- Ah.
- So...

- if this was a test...
- Mm-hmm.

...did I pass?

Well, um, how do you think you did?

Well, I don't mean to boast,
but I think I got a solid "C."

- Yeah.
- Ah.

I think I'll give you an A-plus.

I'm a little tougher than Ed.

Um, I'll give you an A-plus, too.

Listen, you know how people
should be treated, right?

And that gooey...
dare I say...

liberal heart of yours
is why I put you in HR.

It's where you belong.

Thank you.

All right, I'm gonna go
call my cousin at Plan B.

He's gonna have to do some cheap,

second-rate house painting without me.

Perfect.

Oh, that kid. Ah. Oh, man.

- We did a good job of that.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, by the way, uh... I don't know.

- You know, it's, uh...
- Yeah.

...hard to say, but am I in your will?

Look at you, look at you,

thinking that I'm going to die first.

Uh, Vanessa, I have a
science question for you.

Well, I'm kind of rusty,

which is what happens when
iron is exposed to oxygen.

I'm not rusty. It's just so fun.

Um, whenever I'm alone with
Murphy, he growls at me.

What? That doesn't make sense.

He's such a
fuzzy-fuzzy-fuzzy...

Yeah, no, I got it.
He's fuzzy-fuzzy-fuzzy.

Um, he's only not growling right
now because you're in the room.

Oh. Well, there is a scientific
way to figure this out.

Uh, I will just step out of the room.

- Here.
- Okay.

Uh, yup, he's doing it.

Okay, uh, well, what are the,
uh, what are the variables?

You're the only man in the house.

Yeah. Could be... could be my voice.

All right, well, hey,

try-try speaking to
him in a higher pitch.

Uh...

Hi, Murphy. I'm a lady.

What the hell is happening?

Science experiment.

Okay, what else? Oh...

Oh, dogs are pack animals.

Maybe you need to establish
yourself as the alpha.

- Growl back at him.
- Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the same
thing I told you about Mike.

Okay, uh...

Oh, okay. No.

Oh, my God, Ryan. It's
your hat. He hates your hat.

Yeah, it's my hat.

- Yeah.
- Of course it's my hat.

He doesn't hate me. I'm adorable. Yeah.

Somebody with a hat must have scared him

when he was a puppy.

Ah, congratulations. Of course, it means

- you have to get rid of that hat.
- So what?

I'll just give it to Mike
and introduce him to Murphy.