Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Episode #3.7 - full transcript

"LAST MAN STANDING"
IS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.

BOY, MOTHER NATURE SURE TOOK
A DUMP ON US LAST NIGHT.

YEAH, I LOVE THE FIRST SNOW
OF THE SEASON.

Mike:
RIGHT ON SCHEDULE.

IT'S LIKE NATURE'S GIVING
AL GORE THE FINGER.

MORNING.

HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING
IN SUCH A HURRY?

TO GET MY SNOW SHOVEL.

THE SKY DROPPED
A TON OF WHITE GOLD,

AND I'M HERE TO SCOOP IT UP
AT 20 BUCKS A DRIVEWAY.



I THOUGHT
YOU CHARGED $15?

OH, INFLATION.

WE'RE LIVING
IN OBAMA'S AMERICA.

I KNOW WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO
PICK FAVORITES WITH THE KIDS,

BUT IT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE.

AND HERE COMES
NUMBER THREE.

[ SIGHS ]

ALL THIS SNOW'S GONNA MAKE
MY MORNING COMMUTE A NIGHTMARE,

SO I THINK I'M JUST GONNA
SKIP TODAY.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

JUST GIVE ME A CHECK
FOR A $106.

I'M SORRY -- WHAT?

I DID A COST ANALYSIS
OF SENDING YOU TO SCHOOL.

IT COSTS ME $106 A DAY.



YOU DON'T GO, SEND ME THAT $106
OR GO GET DRESSED.

I'M REALLY GLAD YOU DIDN'T DO
THIS WHILE I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL

'CAUSE THAT WOULD'VE COST ME
A FORTUNE.

HEY,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK?

HEY, THAT WAS QUICK.

I TOLD YOU TO PEE
BEFORE YOU PUT THAT SNOWSUIT ON.

NO, ALL THE NEIGHBORS I USUALLY
HIT WERE ALREADY DUG OUT.

AH.

WELL, MUST BE ANOTHER
EAGER BEAVER ON THE BLOCK.

EARLY BIRD
GETS THE WORM, RIGHT?

IT MUST BE AN EARLY
EAGER BEAVER BIRD.

HONEY, IF YOU DON'T
HAVE ANYTHING

TO ADD TO THE CONVERSATION,

DON'T FEEL YOU GOT TO
JUST JUMP IN.

I GUESS I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO
GET UP THAT MUCH EARLIER

THE NEXT TIME IT SNOWS.

OH, YOU KNOW,
THAT IS THE SPIRIT.

YOU BE AN EVEN EARLIER-ER
EAGER...

BEAVER...

ER BIRD.

Y-YOU DON'T HAVE TO
STICK AROUND FOR THIS.

-- Captions by VITAC --

HERE YOU GO.
HAPPY EIGHT-MONTH ANNIVERSARY.

[ CHUCKLES ]
OH, MY GOD!

YOU'RE AMAZING.
AWW.

HEY, KYLE, UM, DO YOU EVER
THINK ABOUT THE FUTURE?

YEAH, SURE,
ALL THE TIME.

I THINK WE'LL HAVE CARS
THAT HOVER, NOT FLY.

AND WE'LL MAKE CONTACT
WITH ALIENS

AND FINALLY DISCOVER
WHICH IS MORE ACCURATE,

"STAR WARS"
OR "STAR TREK."

YEAH, NO, I MEANT MORE LIKE
WITH US, LIKE YOU AND ME.

OH. [ LAUGHS ]

OF COURSE.
I'M SORRY.

THAT'S OKAY.

WE'LL BE DEAD BY THEN.

SHOOT,
I'D BETTER GET TO WORK.

OKAY. MWAH!

WHERE'S THAT HOVER CAR NOW?
AM I RIGHT?

HAPPY EIGHT.

OKAY.

CHEERS TO YOU, TOO, SIR.
[ CHUCKLES ]

TABLE FIVE
IS NOT GONNA TIP YOU.

OH, YEAH,
MOST OF THEM DON'T.

THIS JOB
IS KIND OF A DEAD END.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY
YOU DON'T GET MORE TIPS?

UM, MY DAD LIKES
TO BLAME OBAMA.

I THINK
THAT COULD WORK HERE.

IT'S THAT BOYFRIEND OF YOURS
ALWAYS HANGING AROUND.

WHEN THESE MEN COME IN HERE,

WE NEED TO PUT ON
A LITTLE SHOW.

OH.
WE'RE NOT WAITRESSES.

WE'RE A FANTASY.

GUYS WANT TO THINK
WE'RE AVAILABLE TO THEM.

WELL, I MEAN, I DON'T
WANT THEM THINKING THAT.
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

WELL,
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, TOO,

BUT I KEEP THAT ON THE D.L.
WITH MY CUSTOMERS...

AND MY HUSBAND.

OKAY.
I'LL GIVE IT A TRY.

OKAY.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]

SO, WHAT LOOKS GOOD TO YOU
BESIDES ME?

HEY, VANESSA, GET THIS.

HUH?

I'M PUTTING ON
A NEW PAIR OF SOCKS JUST NOW,

AND MY TOE CAME RIGHT THROUGH
THE END OF THE SOCK.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

YEAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IT.

OOH!

EIGHT DRIVEWAYS,
20 BUCKS APIECE.

THAT OTHER KID SNOOZED AND LOST.
CHA-CHING!

NICELY DONE, EVIE.

THE FREE MARKET AT WORK.

LOOK AT MY DAUGHTER

DIPPING HER TOE
INTO THE BUSINESS WORLD.

SO NOW TOES
ARE INTERESTING.

[ DOOR RATTLES ]

OH, HON, YOU KNOW,

IT'S PHIL MUNROE
FROM DOWN THE STREET.

I WONDER WHAT HE WANTS.

GUESS WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

COME ON. BE NICE!

WHY DON'T YOU ASK HIM
IF HE'S HAVING A GARAGE SALE?

MAYBE I CAN BUY BACK
ALL THE STUFF I LOANED HIM.

HEY, PHIL.

HEY, VANESSA.

I JUST CAME BY
TO RETURN MIKE'S RAKE.

YOU BORROWED MY LEAF BLOWER,
PHIL!

WHOSE RAKE IS THIS?

I GOT TO LEARN TO PUT NAMES
ON THESE THINGS.

IT IS MY RAKE.
HMM.

COME ON IN. HEY.
THANKS.

I ALSO CAME BY
TO TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTER --

THE ONE
WITH THE SNOW SHOVEL.

OH, EVE. YEAH, EVIE.

OH. HI, MR. MUNROE.

HEY, EVE.
MY GOSH, YOU'RE ALL GROWN UP.

SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY

I WAS BUYING
YOUR GIRL SCOUT COOKIES --

EVERYTHING BUT THIN MINTS.

AH.

LET'S NOT PIN THAT
ALL ON EVE.

I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT
YOUR SNOW-SHOVEL BUSINESS.

OH, SO YOU WANT TO HIRE
EVE'S SNOW NO MO'?

OH, PLEASE STEP INTO MY OFFICE.
TAKE A SEAT.

I'LL BEAT ANY COMPETITOR.

I HATE TO HEAR THAT
BECAUSE...

I'M YOUR COMPETITOR.

PHIL, YOU'RE SHOVELING
DRIVEWAYS?

COULDN'T GET A PAPER ROUTE?

I'M ALWAYS LOOKING
TO EARN A LITTLE EXTRA MONEY,

SO AFTER THE STORM
THE OTHER DAY,

I DECIDED TO BUST OUT
THE OLD SNOWBLOWER

AND KNOCK ON SOME DOORS.

EVERYTHING OKAY?

OH, PEACHY. YEAH.

IT'D JUST BE BETTER IF EVE
WOULD LET ME DO THE DRIVEWAYS

IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD.

WHAT, UH,
WHAT DO YOU THINK, EVE?

WELL, I CAN'T REALLY SAY
WITH HIM SITTING THERE,

BUT, UH...

I WAS KIND OF COUNTING ON THAT
FOR CHRISTMAS MONEY.

WELL, YOUR PARENTS
ARE DOING FINE.

I'M SURE THEY CAN GIVE YOU
A LITTLE EXTRA ALLOWANCE

TO BUY YOUR CDs
AND POGO STICKS.

I DON'T GET AN ALLOWANCE.
I'VE ALWAYS HAD REAL JOBS.

EVE, GIVING UP THESE JOBS
FOR PHIL

WOULD BE A REALLY NICE THING
TO DO.

THANKS, MIKE.

BUT IS THE NICE THING TO DO
THE RIGHT THING TO DO?

YES. YES,
ACCORDING TO MOST PEOPLE.

Mike: MM-HMM.
AND JESUS.

MY POINT IS, WHY DOES ANYONE
HAVE TO STEP ASIDE?

THERE'S PLENTY OF DRIVEWAYS,
PLENTY OF SNOW.

WHY DON'T WE LET
THE FREE MARKET DECIDE?

FREE MARKET? HA!

I LOVE HER,
BUT SHE'S A REAL TASK MASTER.

SHE'S GOT ME WORKING WEEKENDS
AT QUIZNOS.

NO SHAME IN THAT.
THEY MAKE A HECK OF A SANDWICH.

MIKE, REALLY?

I MEAN, IS THIS THE TIME
TO BE TEACHING EVE

THE FINER POINTS
OF ECONOMICS?

SHE'S BEEN WORKING
THESE DRIVEWAYS

IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD
FOR YEARS.

YEAH, I'VE BUILT UP
A REAL BUSINESS.

I THINK IT'S A LOT TO ASK TO
HAVE HER WALK AWAY FROM THIS.

NO, IT REALLY ISN'T.

BUT IF THAT'S HOW YOU WANT
TO PLAY IT,

I'M JUST GLAD I'M THE ONE
WITH THE SNOWBLOWER.

YEAH? WHO'D YOU BORROW
THAT FROM, PHIL?

THANKS, DAD.
YEAH.

OH, I DON'T LIKE THIS.
Mike: YEAH.

I FEEL LIKE HE'S NOT TELLING US
THE WHOLE STORY.

YEAH, HE'S HAD MORE
THAN ONE BOX OF THIN MINTS.

OH, I THINK EVE
SHOULD STEP ASIDE.

PHIL OBVIOUSLY NEEDS THE MONEY
MORE THAN SHE DOES.

WHAT?
WHERE DO YOU GET THAT IDEA?

"FROM EACH
ACCORDING TO HIS ABILITY

TO EACH
ACCORDING TO HIS NEED."

YOU KNOW WHO SAID THAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

FOR THE THIRD TIME TODAY,
I'M NOT KARL MARX.

AND I'M SORRY I ASKED YOU
TO SHARE YOUR WAFFLES.

HEY. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
TALKING ABOUT?

MARXISM.

AH, TOOK DAD'S WAFFLES AGAIN,
DIDN'T YOU?

NO, MR. MUNROE IS STRUGGLING
TO MAKE ENDS MEET.

I THINK HE WANTS TO COMPETE
WITH EVE TO SHOVEL DRIVEWAYS.

WE DON'T KNOW
THAT HE'S STRUGGLING.

HE COULD BE SAVING UP
FOR A BOAT.

WE WON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT

UNTIL HE BORROWS MY TRUCK
TO TOW IT AROUND.

AND LET ME GUESS.

YOU WANT EVE
TO DESTROY HIM.

EVE HAS WORKED REALLY HARD
FOR ALL THIS.

THERE'S NO REASON WHY SHE SHOULD
GIVE IT ALL UP FOR HIM.

I MEAN, WHY IS HE MORE ENTITLED
THAN SHE IS?

HE'S NOT.

ACTUALLY AGREE WITH DAD
ON THIS ONE.

OKAY.

NOT MUCH FUN IN THAT,
THOUGH.

NO, NO, NO,
THE "HE NEEDS IT MORE" THEORY

IS WHAT'S JUSTIFIED
PAY DISCREPANCIES

BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
FOR CENTURIES, OKAY?

THE ASSUMPTION THAT MEN
ARE THE BREADWINNERS

AND DESERVE
TO MAKE MORE MONEY.

I'M A FEMINIST!

I FEEL BAD FOR PHIL.

I MEAN, THE POOR GUY'S WORKING
WEEKENDS IN A SANDWICH SHOP.

OH, SWEET.
THOSE JOBS ARE HARD TO GET.

THEY ONLY PICK, LIKE,
THE BEST OF THE BEST.

IF THEY'RE SUCH GENIUSES,

WHY DO THEY ALWAYS GIVE ME
PEPPER JACK

WHEN I ASK FOR SWISS?

ALL OF THOSE FAST-FOOD JOBS
THAT TEENAGERS USED TO GET

ARE GETTING GOBBLED UP
BY THESE GROSS OLD PEOPLE.

I WANT FRIES WITH THAT,
NOT SADNESS, OKAY?

BAGGING GROCERIES,
BABYSITTING --

ADULTS ARE TAKING ALL
OF THE GREAT KID JOBS.

HOW ARE TEENAGERS
SUPPOSED TO BUY BEER, HUH?

OR IN YOUR CASE
AS A TEENAGER,

IT WAS BABY WIPES
AND FORMULA.

WHY DO I EVER
COME OVER HERE?

OKAY, DAD...

I'M HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS

ABOUT THIS WHOLE COMPETITION
WITH MR. MUNROE.

AH, I AM SO GLAD, EVE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

THERE'S MORE TO LIFE
THAN THE ALMIGHTY DOLLAR.

WELL, EVERY RAP SONG EVER MADE
DISAGREES WITH THAT.

I DON'T THINK I CAN GO
HEAD-TO-HEAD

WITH MUNROE'S SNOWBLOWER,
DAD.

I THINK I'M JUST READY TO RENT
YOURS FOR A BUCK A DRIVEWAY.

NO, NO, NO.
IT'S 2 BUCKS.

W-W-WAIT, YOU'RE CHARGING HER
TO USE THE SNOWBLOWER?

JUST WANT A LITTLE TASTE.

A LITTLE TASTE?

WANT TO WET MY BEAK.

W-WHAT ARE YOU --
A MOBSTER?

DON'T ASK ME ABOUT MY BUSINESS,
VANESSA.

WHEW!

OH, GOOD MORNING,
MR. LARABEE.

OH, HEY, EVE.

THE USUAL --
DRIVEWAY, WALKWAYS, TOO?

AND SINCE YOU'RE
A PREFERRED CUSTOMER,

WHAT SONG WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO SING WHILE I WORK?

OH.

DEPENDS.

HOW DEEP INTO THE KATY PERRY
CATALOG DO YOU GO?

DEEP.

HEY, EVE, CHUCK.

LISTEN, BEFORE YOU COMMIT
TO SOMETHING YOU'LL REGRET,

YOU'LL, UH, WANT TO HEAR
ABOUT MY SPECIAL --

20% OFF
WHATEVER SHE'S CHARGING

AND A FREE MUG OF HOT COCOA,
LEADED OR UNLEADED.

HEY, BACK OFF, MUNROE.

MR. LARABEE'S
ONE OF MY REGULARS.

OH, I-I DON'T KNOW, EVE.

HE IS OFFERING A 20% DISCOUNT,
AND I-I DO LOVE HOT COCOA.

ALTHOUGH IT'S A LITTLE
TOO EARLY FOR THE LEADED.

NOT TOO EARLY
FOR HELEN POTTS,

BUT YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT
FROM ME.

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE BURNING
DAYLIGHT, LADIES.

LET'S JUST CUT TO THE CHASE.

I'LL DO IT FOR HALF
OF MY ORIGINAL QUOTE.

MM.
I MEAN, COME ON.

OH, WELL, UH,
I-I CAN'T BEAT THAT.

I NEED TO EARN ENOUGH TODAY
TO BUY MY CHOLESTEROL MEDS.

I GET THEM ONLINE
FROM GUATEMALA.

YOU NEVER REALLY KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TAKING,

BUT SOMETIMES YOU JUST
HAVE TO ROLL THE DICE.

I'M SORRY, EVE.

AS A FELLOW
HIGH-CHOLESTEROL SUFFERER,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO
WITH MUNROE.

MR. LARABEE, HE IS TOTALLY
PLAYING YOU RIGHT NOW.

UH, NO.

I BET HIS ARTERIES LOOK LIKE
THE I-25 AT RUSH HOUR.

THIS ISN'T OVER, MUNROE.

OH, YEAH, MR. LARABEE,

IF HE HAS THE BIG ONE
IN YOUR DRIVEWAY,

I'M CHARGING DOUBLE
TO SHOVEL HIS BODY OUT!

PHIL?
DO YOU REMEMBER?

THE GUY THAT'S COMPETING
WITH EVE

FOR THE SNOW-SHOVELING
BUSINESS.

OF COURSE I REMEMBER.

I'M NOT 100.

HE WON A SANDWICH
AT A QUIZ SHOW.

HE MAKES SANDWICHES
AT QUIZNOS.

VANESSA FOUND OUT
THAT HE LOST HIS JOB

AT HIS ACCOUNTING FIRM,

AND IT WASN'T
BECAUSE OF HIM.

IT WAS JUST
'CAUSE THEY DOWNSIZED.

ALL RIGHTY, GENTLEMEN,

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE
I CAN GET FOR YOU TODAY?

NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS ALL YOURS.
THANK YOU.

AWW, THANK YOU.

BYE.

NICELY DONE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

KEEP PLAYING YOUR CARDS
LIKE THAT,

AND THAT GUY
WILL BUY YOU A CAR.

AH, HE ALREADY DID.
[ LAUGHS ]

AND THE STUDENT
BECOMES THE MASTER.

HERE YOU GO, SWEETIE --
A SHORT STACK FOR THE BIG MAN,

WITH EXTRA WHIPPED CREAM

BECAUSE YOU'RE
MY SWEETEST CUSTOMER.

OH, I BET YOU SAY THAT
TO ALL YOUR CUSTOMERS.

I DO.

HEY, MANDY CAKES!

WHOA!
OH, OH, WHOA!

HI, FIRST COUSIN --

THE KIND THAT CAN'T BE
YOUR BOYFRIEND.

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.

OH, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, ROLE-PLAY.

I'VE HEARD ABOUT THIS.

SO, WE'RE COUSINS.

THE TABOO MAKES IT
MORE EXCITING.

LISTEN, I GOT TO ASK YOU TO STOP
COMING BY THE DINER, THOUGH.

IT'S A THING
WITH THE CUSTOMERS.

I JUST NEED THEM TO THINK

THAT I'M COMPLETELY AVAILABLE
TO THEM.

AVAILABLE?

IT'S JUST FLIRTING,
BUT, UM,

JUST, I GET BETTER TIPS
WHEN I TURN ON THE CHARM.

EXCUSE ME --
IN A MINUTE!

WAIT A MINUTE.

SO YOU DON'T WANT ME AROUND

SO THAT YOUR CUSTOMERS
WILL THINK THEY CAN DATE YOU?

BUT DON'T WORRY --
IT'S COMPLETELY PHONY.

EVERYBODY DOES IT.
I DON'T.

WELL, OF COURSE YOU DO.

AT OUTDOOR MAN,
YOU PRETEND LIKE YOU LIKE

ALL THOSE BORING FISHING POLES
AND TENTS.

I LOVE ALL THOSE FISHING POLES
AND TENTS.

I COULD NEVER STACK BOXES
OF THINGS THAT I FOUND BORING.

RIGHT,
OR LIKE WITH MY DAD.

YOU KNOW, YOU PRETEND LIKE
YOU ADMIRE AND RESPECT HIM.

I WORSHIP YOUR DAD.
HE'S A GENIUS.

UM, KYLE,
YOU WORK FOR SALARY,

AND I WORK FOR TIPS,
SO I HAVE TO FLIRT.

THEN MAYBE
I COULD JUST PRETEND

NOT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND,
YOU KNOW?

I-I COULD COME AND JUST SIT
IN DORIS' SECTION.

ALTHOUGH
THE LAST TIME I DID,

SHE PUT MY NAPKIN IN MY LAP
FOR ME, WHICH WAS NICE.

BUT SHE LINGERED.

OH, KYLE,
IT'S REALLY JUST BETTER FOR ME

IF YOU DON'T COME HERE
AT ALL.

OKAY.

FINE. I'LL GO.

GOOD LUCK TRYING TO GET THAT
COUSIN THING GOING AGAIN LATER.

I FEEL BAD FOR PHIL.

MAYBE WE COULD FIND A PLACE
IN ACCOUNTING HERE.

NO, WE'VE GOT TOO MANY
ACCOUNTANTS ALREADY.

WE'VE GOT DALE AND GARY
AND CHESTY MONA.

WE CAN'T FIRE CHESTY MONA
BECAUSE THAT'S BAD FOR MORALE.

YOU'VE GOT TO STOP CALLING HER
"CHESTY MONA."

OTHERWISE, IT'S GONNA COME UP
IN A WRONGFUL-TERMINATION SUIT.

COME ON.
THAT'S COMPLETELY INNOCENT.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO CONFUSE HER
WITH BLACK MONA.

ALL RIGHT,
WITH ABOUT GARY?

WE WERE GONNA FIRE HIM
'CAUSE HE DRINKS TOO MUCH.

NO, NO, NO, YOU -- YOU CAN'T.
HE'S IN REHAB.

NOW HE'S AN OFFICIAL ALCOHOLIC.
WE CAN'T TOUCH HIM.

BUT -- BUT H-HE NEVER
SHOWS UP TO WORK.

YEAH, I-I THINK
HE'S DRINKING AGAIN.

WELL,
THEN LET'S FIRE HIM.

CAN'T --
ALCOHOLISM IS A DISEASE

PROTECTED UNDER THE AMERICANS
WITH DISABILITIES ACT.

MAYBE IF WE COULD PROVE
GARY'S A LOUSY ACCOUNTANT.

HE IS A LOUSY ACCOUNTANT!

THAT'S BECAUSE OF
THE DRINKING.

IS THERE ANYBODY
WE CAN FIRE?

WELL, WE COULD FIRE DALE.

HE DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING
ON ME.

HE'S ALSO THE BEST ACCOUNTANT
WE HAVE.

SO WE FIRE THE GOOD PEOPLE
TO PROTECT THE BAD PEOPLE.

ISN'T THAT WRITTEN ON
GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS SOMEWHERE?

I'M SORRY
ABOUT YOUR NEIGHBOR.

HE'S OUT OF LUCK, WHICH MEANS
EVE'S OUT OF LUCK.

SHE'S JUST GONNA HAVE TO
BEAT HIM FAIR AND SQUARE.

I'M NOT TRYING TO HELP EVE.

I'M TRYING TO TAKE CARE
OF MY NEIGHBOR.

YOU WANT TO TAKE CARE
OF YOUR NEIGHBOR?

YEAH.
WELL, GET HIM ON THE SAUCE.

HEY.

MANDY,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

JUST WANTED TO SEE
MY BOYFRIEND.

WELL, ARE YOU SURE
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA?

I'M AT WORK.

I NEED FOR MY CUSTOMERS TO
BELIEVE I'M AVAILABLE TO THEM.

THAT IS
A GREAT PURCHASE, SIR.

YOU SHOULD BE WEARING
THE OPPOSITE OF CAMOUFLAGE.

EVERYBODY SHOULD BE ABLE
TO SEE YOU.

KYLE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

JUST BEING A BIG PHONY.

WHO AM I KIDDING?

THAT WAS
A VERY HANDSOME MAN.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, I GET IT.

YOU DON'T LIKE THAT I'M FLIRTING
WITH MY CUSTOMERS.

NO, I DON'T.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU'VE NEVER BEEN JEALOUS
BEFORE.

SOMETHING
FEELS DIFFERENT NOW.

BEFORE WHEN YOU ASKED
ABOUT THE FUTURE,

I STARTED THINKING
ABOUT OUR FUTURE.

I KNOW THAT'S NOT
WHAT YOU MEANT.

THAT'S ACTUALLY EXACTLY
WHAT I MEANT, YEAH.

WOW, WE REALLY SHOULD'VE
CLEARED THAT UP THEN.

THE POINT IS, I MADE AN EXTRA
$40 AT THE DINER TODAY.

AND I HATED
EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

BECAUSE OF ME?

YES.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE MISERABLE,
I GUESS I'M HAPPY.

I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING,

BUT I-I DON'T WANT YOU
TO FEEL ANY PRESSURE.

OH, I-I CAN TAKE PRESSURE.

MY BROTHERS USED TO SIT ON ME,
LIKE, ALL THE TIME.

I LOVE YOU.

BOY, I'M GLAD YOU'RE NOT
A CUSTOMER.

WHY?

SO YOU KNOW I'M NOT BEING
A BIG PHONY WHEN I SAY...

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

WAIT, YOU SAY, "I LOVE YOU"
TO YOUR CUSTOMERS?

SOME PEOPLE NEED TO HEAR IT,
MANDY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH! EAT IT, MUNROE!

DAD, I GOT FIVE DRIVEWAYS,
AND HE ONLY GOT FOUR.

BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA.
HUH?

WHERE'S MINE?

[ SIGHS ]

THERE'S YOUR TASTE.

NUTRITIOUS AND DELICIOUS!

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

HEY, LARABEE.

HEY, BAXTER.
COME ON IN.

NO, I'VE GOT SOMEPLACE ELSE
I'D LIKE TO BE.

AND I WISH YOU WERE THERE.

LISTEN, I HEARD YOU WENT
WITH MUNROE.

WHAT -- DON'T YOU LIKE EVE'S
SNOW NO MO' NO MO'?

NO.

UH, CHECK OUT THIS FLYER.

EVE POSTED THOSE ON TREES
UP AND DOWN THE STREET.

"MISSING CAT, TIGGER,
WAS LAST SEEN

"IN A DRIVEWAY
PHIL MUNROE WAS...

CLEARING
WITH HIS SNOWBLOWER."

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
WANT TO KNOW

THE WAY YOUR DAUGHTER
IS PLAYING THIS.

THANKS.
DEAD CATS.

NOT COOL.

HEY, EVE.

ALL RIGHT, FINE, FINE, FINE.
I DID SIX DRIVEWAYS.

HERE'S YOUR $2,
MR. SCROOGE.

WHAT'S THIS ABOUT?

OH, AWESOME, RIGHT?

THAT'LL TEACH MUNROE
NOT TO UNDERSELL ME.

TAKE THEM DOWN.
HUH?

TAKE THEM DOWN.

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE FREE MARKET,

DESTROYING THE COMPETITION,
PUTTING MUNROE OUT
ON THE STREET?

I NEVER SAID ANY OF THAT.

I SET LOFTIER GOALS
FOR MYSELF.

THE FREE MARKET
IS THE GREATEST THING

THAT EVER HAPPENED
TO THIS PLANET,

BUT IT ONLY WORKS IF THERE'S
SOME MORAL COMPASS TO IT.

YOU START LYING AND CHEATING
ABOUT IT,

IT DEFEATS
THE WHOLE PURPOSE.

GO TAKE THEM DOWN
RIGHT NOW.

GREAT, PERFECT.

JUST WHEN YOU GET AN EDGE,

THE MAN HITS YOU
WITH REGULATIONS!

BOY, I LOVE THAT KID.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

LARABEE.

I WAS JUST --
OH, HEY, PHIL.

OH, LISTEN,
I JUST TALKED TO MY DAUGHTER.

THAT WAS A TERRIBLE THING.
SHE'S GONNA TAKE THEM ALL DOWN.

I APOLOGIZE, OKAY?
OH, GOOD.

I'M UP FOR A PART-TIME JOB
AT A PET STORE,

AND I-I DON'T NEED
THIS KIND OF PUBLICITY.

HEY, PHIL,
HOLD ON A SECOND.

STEP IN HERE FOR A MINUTE.
I GOT TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.

LISTEN, UM...

I UNDERSTAND, UH,

THAT YOUR COMPANY WENT THROUGH
A LITTLE DOWNSIZING.

OH, YOU FOUND OUT ABOUT THAT,
HUH?

YOU'RE AN HONORABLE GUY
AND A HARD WORKER,

AND, LISTEN,
I THINK I MAY HAVE AN OPENING

IN THE ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT
AT OUTDOOR MAN.

WOW, REALLY?

YEAH, I HAVE TO
GET RID OF A DRUNK

WHO NEVER SHOWS UP
AND I DON'T LIKE,

BUT I'M WILLING TO MAKE
THAT SACRIFICE.

OH, MAN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH,
BAXTER!

WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO
IS COME BY TOMORROW MORNING,

TALK TO H.R., RIGHT,
BRING YOUR RéSUMé,

DRIVER'S LICENSE,
AND MY ORBITAL SANDER.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU GOT IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

AND AFTER THAT,
WE CAN GO HAVE A BEER.

OH, I-I DON'T DRINK.

WELL, START.
IT'S JOB SECURITY.

[ SIGHS ]

OH, MAN!

LOOK AT THAT BANKROLL.
Vanessa: HEY.

YEAH, SINCE I KNOCKED OFF
THE COMPETITION,

I JACKED UP
MY PRICES AGAIN.

WHERE'S MY TASTE?

SORRY, OLD MAN.

NOW THAT MUNROE
HAS A REAL JOB,

HE OFFERED TO LEASE ME
HIS SNOWBLOWER

FOR A BUCK A DRIVEWAY.

SO YOU'RE SQUEEZING ME OUT?

FREE MARKET --
YOU GOT TO LOVE IT.

SO, YOUR DAUGHTER
CUT YOU OUT.

HOW DOES THAT
MAKE YOU FEEL?

I LOVE THAT GIRL.

W-WHOA!

[ CHUCKLES ]

MIKE BAXTER HERE
FOR OUTDOOR MAN.

I'M ON TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN,
FOLKS.

YOU KNOW WHO GETS TO BE
ON TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN?

PEOPLE WHO CAN ACTUALLY CLIMB
MOUNTAINS.

IT'S CALLED MERITOCRACY,

AND IT SHOULD BE THE BASIS
FOR ADVANCEMENT IN SOCIETY.

MERITOCRACY PUSHES PEOPLE
TO ACHIEVE BIG THINGS,

LIKE SCALING...

MOUNT EVEREST.

BUT OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
LIKES STUFF TO BE MORE FAIR.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THAT
REALLY EXCITING SOCCER GAME

THAT THEY DON'T ALLOW
YOUR KIDS TO WIN OR LOSE.

THEY DON'T WANT PEOPLE
FEELING LIKE LOSERS,

SO, NO, EVERYBODY JUST GOES HOME
GOING [YAWNS]

"WHAT'D WE JUST DO?"

THE FACT IS,
WHETHER IT'S MOUNTAIN CLIMBING

OR CLIMBING
THE CORPORATE LADDER,

THE BIG PRIZE SHOULD GO TO
THE PERSON WHO MERITS IT MOST.

IT'S A SIMPLE IDEA.

BUT IT'S MADE
AMERICAN FREE ENTERPRISE

[Echoing] THE ENVY OF THE WORLD!

THAT WOULD NORMALLY BE
A BIG PROBLEM.

WE HAVE SATELLITE PHONES ON SALE
AT OUTDOOR MAN THIS WEEK.

[ CHUCKLES ] HELP.