Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Last Halloween Standing - full transcript

Halloween--
it's an early Christian deal.

Constantine made a deal
with the Celts

so that they would have
Halloween,

'cause they figured on that day,
the dead would return to earth,

and we dress up spooky
to ward off the dead.

I know, dad.

Did I already tell you
this story?

Yeah, in the car.

Oh.

Wow. You don't see this much
anymore--lady hobo.

Huh?



Maybe.

Eh, maybe.

Oh, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

Lady ninja.

Sure.

Yeah. Here's one.

Whoa. Here.
Some kind of joke.

Lady president.

It could happen. (Chuckles)

(Chuckles)
Whatever you want, dad.

What do you mean,
whatever i want?

Come on.

Aren't you into this anymore?

Sure, I am.



Be honest.

Dad, I'm super-psyched to go
trick-or-treating with you.

I know how much you like looking
into our neighbor's houses.

Listen, I know that
trick-or-treating is something

you and I do together,
but if you're over this,

I am...

(Lowered voice)
I'm okay with it.

Really?

I don't want to cause
a medical problem.

I'm really okay.

I don't want
to go trick-or-treating.

Huh.

(Exhales deeply)

(Mouths words)

Last Man Standing - S01E04
Last Halloween Standing

Original air date
October 25, 2011

Are you sure you're not mad?

Yeah, I'm sure I'm not mad.
I'm okay.

It's just that I'm 13 now,

and the whole dress-up thing
kinda seems ridiculous.

Arr!

(Gruff voice)
Shiver me timbers!

Isn't that the patch I wore
when I had pinkeye?

Oh, yeah.

(Door closes)

Oh, that outfit is
so embarrassing.

What's her problem?

Well, maybe it's that we're used
to seeing you more as a mom

and less as a prostitute.

I'm a pirate princess.

Yeah.

(Lowered voice)
Shouldn't your treasures be

a little more buried?
(Chuckles)

Every year we go
to the Millers' party,

and every year I'm
the me goody-goody character,

like Alice in Wonderland
or Cinderella.

Last year you went
as Margaret Thatcher.

Last year I didn't dress up.

Let me finish.

(Chuckles)
You know, I just thought

I'd shake things up a little.

Well, you sure are,
every time you move.

(Chuckles) So, uh, you like it?

Well, would you be
willing to wear that

to our anniversary weekend
at the cabin?

Mm... maybe.

I like it.
Mm.

Dad, did you happen
to pick up the kitty costume

I reserved for Stella's party?

Oh, yeah. The fur-lined bikini
with the cat ears?

Yep. That's the one.

(Chuckles) Yeah, I saw it.

That's why I got you this.

(Grunts)

What is that?

This is Garfield,
America's favorite cat.

But that--that would cover
my entire body.

That's right. Here.
Take this.

Dad.
Listen, Halloween is not

an excuse for you
to dress up like a tramp.

Baby, you are better than that.

No, I'm not.

Honey, your father's right.

That alley cat costume
is totally inappropriate.

Honey, do your panties
say "booty"?

Oh, gross.
Dad just said "panties."

Don't forget the head.

Hey, mom. Can you take Boyd?
'Cause I'm late for my shift.

Hey. Oh, you have
to work on Halloween?

Yeah, but, you know,
I don't mind.

People tend to tip bigger when
they're dressed like idiots.

Yeah, it was last year

that Frankenstein guy
gave her a $100 tip.

Yeah, but that's just because
I screwed his knob back on.

Does anybody need to hear that?

So Boyd's dinner is
in the refrigerator,

and his pajamas are on his bed.

And look at the costume
I got him.

Baby, look at this.

No, no, no. Dad,
Boyd's not trick-or-treating.

No, I can take him.

No, no. He's too young for
all that pagan death imagery.

Pagan death imagery?

Yeah, you know, like skeletons,
ghosts, zombies.

Ugh. It's just like
the ancient Celts,

who put on costumes to avoid
being recognized as humans

by evil spirits.

So that stuff sinks in,
not the stuff like

maybe check your oil
before the engine seizes up

or using proper birth control?

Look, I don't want any of that
sinking into Boyd's head.

Nothing's sinking in.
He's 2.

I tell that kid five times
a day to pull my finger.

He still has no idea where
the noise is coming from.

I'm sorry, dad.
No trick-or-treating.

Listen, we don't want
this kid being that weird kid

that can't go out on Halloween.

Oh, come on. He's not
gonna be the weird kid.

He will if we're not careful.

Look, I'm not
the perfect father,

but I didn't raise any weirdos.

Ohh.

(Voice echoes) I think
someone threw up in here.

Hi. Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man,

and we know
what you guys like--

a firm rump, long legs,
great rack.

Ha ha.
We're talking deer here.

That's right,

'cause Halloween is deer season
up in the hills.

It's time to get out there
and do some huntin'.

Before we do that, we gotta
think about gun safety.

We got a guy here
that's gonna tell us

how to take our guns
out of storage.

Gary McKegger here...

(Clicks)
He's a firearms expert--

ballistics, bullets,
knows everything about guns.

Gary, once we got
the bolt clean,

you're gonna...

Probably wanna
hold on to the gun,

tell us about--
here you go.

Any time you're ready...
(Clicks)

You just tell us exactly how
to pull it out of storage.

Gary is not afraid
of any animal,

but much like the Rhesus monkey,
he's terrified of cameras.

Gary. Gary. All right.

Let's take a break and maybe get
Gary an energy bar or...

(Sighs) This is just horrible,

and--and you know
what else?

Your girlfriend says I can't
trick-or-treat with Boyd.

(Sighs) I know.

Can you talk to her?

No way.

What do you mean, no way?

Look, I said to her,

"aren't you excited
about Halloween?"

And she said, "not really."

I said, "me neither."

Now I'm stuck.

Nice backbone, Susan.

Hey, Ed.
Your gun expert is a moron.

He's acting like a zombie
in front of the camera.

Oh, Halloween humor.
I like that.

You coming to my house
tonight to trick-or-treat?

With who?

Eve doesn't want
to trick-or-treat anymore,

and grandpa's not allowed
to take Boyd out.

Wait a minute.
Halloween builds character.

Any 2-year-old who can walk up
to a man with a chain saw

and demand candy
can do anything.

Boyd should be allowed
to experience Halloween now,

while his brain is still soft.

Exactly.

You know, I knew
this day was coming. I did.

This is going
to be a lousy Halloween.

Come on, Mike. Don't be
such a Debbie Downer.

I know what will cheer you up.

Please, Ed, don't put on
"Monster Mash."

Why do you think I'm going
to play "Monster Mash"?

You think you know me so well.

(Bobby "Boris" Pickett's
"Monster Mash" playing)

♪ I was working in the lab... ♪

You got me. You got me.

I dare you not to smile.
I dare you. Come on, Mike.

You see, most people think
this song is about

monsters having a party.

'Cause, Ed...
(Turns off music)

It is about monsters
having a party.

You know what else it's about?

Please don't tell me
it's about family.

It's about family.

(Organ playing)

Ahoy. (Chuckles)

(Candy rattles)

Hey, you want to help me
hand out candy?

Want me to help you find
your pants?

Very funny.

(Doorbell rings)

Oh, here we go.

(Man, singsongy)
Trick or treat!

Hey, I say, "treat"!
(Chuckles)

Vanessa?

Hey, Bill.

Wow.

Who knew?

Who knew what? (Chuckles)

Uh, nothing.

It's just that I never...
Thought of you...

Like that.

We should go.

That was weird.

Well, off to Stella's party,

dressed as some
ridiculous overweight cat.

I think you look adorable.

(Chuckles) Me, too.
I could totally see you

floating over
a Thanksgiving day parade.

(Clicks tongue)

And the evening just keeps
getting better and better.

(Sighs)

Ooh.

At ease, everyone.

Who am I?

Um, John Wayne--
"Longest Day."

No.

John Wayne-- "Sands
of Iwo Jima." Nope.

John Wayne--
"Green Berets."

Bingo.

Oh.

With his trusty sidekick...

Ah. (Deep voice)
Señor bones.

(High-pitched voice)
Oh! Look how cute.

(Vanessa and Mike chuckle)

Hey, wait. You're not taking him
trick-or-treating, are you?

No, we're just gonna sit
here and hand out candy,

like all the other shut-ins.

Speaking of the candy,

where's all the good stuff
we bought?

In my nightstand.

I'll get it.

He looks really cute.

Doesn't he?

You know who would really
think he was cute is

that old lady on the corner,
Mrs. Tanner.

She's, like, 90.

She doesn't have
many Halloweens left.

I say we go down there and show
her this little costume.

We won't trick-or-treat.

We'll just walk around and look
at the houses and decorations.

You want to go with us?

Uh, dad,
Kristin told you not to.

(Chuckles) The last time
I checked my watch,

it still said, "America."

That doesn't even make sense.

(Humming)

(Chuckles)
Wow. Look at this place.

Ooh, spooky.

Happy Halloween, guys.

(Humming)

Okay.

Those are the wrong wings.

All right. Don't be scared.

(Door creaks)

Trick or treat.

(Organ playing) (Cackles)

(Chuckles) Hey. Hey, Ed.

You made it, Mike.
Thank you.

Well, it wouldn't be Halloween

without stopping
by your house, Ed.

(Chuckles) Hey, Boyd.
How are ya, pal?

Uh-huh.

Listen, I don't want to crap
all over your outfit,

but that's not even
anatomically close. (Chuckles)

So Kristin changed
her mind, huh?

No, no, no. I changed my mind
about listening to her.

I mean, come on.
You gotta blame Boyd here.

He looks so darn cute
in the thing, doesn't he?

Look at that.
Oh, yeah, but what if...

(Lowered voice)
What if Kristin finds out?

I'm a green beret.

Do I look like I'm afraid
of what my daughter's gonna say?

That's good,

'cause she's coming up
the walk.

What?
Mm-hmm.

(Laughs evilly)

Whoo-hoo.

(Chuckles)

Look at this place, Ed.
I mean, it's amazing.

It's better than last year.

Yeah, thanks.

I'm kinda showing off
for my new lady friend.

Mm? Whoa.

Mm. Yes. Yes.
Hello.

Hello.

(Clears throat) Hi there.

I'm Mike Baxter,
and you look like Elvira.

I am Elvira. (Chuckles)

I travel first-class, Mike,
or I don't travel at all.

I am gonna go mix up
some very bloody marys.

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me.

She really goes all out
for Halloween, huh?

She has no idea it's Halloween.

(Organ music playing)

Happy Halloween, Mike.
And I'll see you tomorrow.

There you go.
Happy Halloween.

Where'd your dad go?

I can't tell you.

Where's Boyd?

I can't tell you.

Did he take Boyd
trick-or-treating?

That's what I can't tell you.

(Sighs) Arr.

And I'm not just saying that
'cause I'm a pirate.

Whatever. (Sighs)

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

You love Halloween.
What's going on?

Nothing.

No, and let's skip the part
where I keep asking

and you keep saying
"nothing."

(Sighs) It's Victor Blake.

Oh, the nice boy
whose ankle you broke?

It was a stress fracture.

Oh, all right.

He thinks Halloween is
for kids.

So?

I want him to see me
as a woman.

Well, honey... (Chuckles)
You're in the eighth grade.

Yeah, and he's in ninth.
He's practically a year away

from being almost old enough
to learn how to drive.

Yeah. (Sighs)
(Pounding on window)

Ohh. Hold that thought.

Hello again, Bill.

Hi, Vanessa. Did I leave
my keys someplace?

In your hand.

Oh, God.

(Laughs) I am such a goofball.

(Laughs)

Ah.

Anything else?

Things aren't so great at home.

I should go.

Hi, Mike.

Hey.

Biggest candy haul ever,

except the dentist
down the street

gives you toothbrushes.

There's something wrong
with that.

I can't believe you took Boyd
trick-or-treating.

Well, believe it.

Kristin is gonna kill you.

Oh, cut it out.

She's not gonna find out
about it. A little nougat.

We had a great time,
right, Boyd?

(Gasps)

Uh...

Wait a minute.
That's the Wong kid.

I know it's the wong kid.
Where's Boyd?

No, I mean, that's Jimmy Wong
from down the street.

But if we have Jimmy Wong,
then where's...

(Both speaking Asian language)

I gotta go find Boyd. Call the Wongs
and the police. (Telephone rings)

Tell them I'm checking all the
way up to Hudson street. (Ring)

Hello?
Oh, thank goodness.

Wait. Mike! Mike.
Mike, wait.

Come back. Come back.
It's the Wongs. They have Boyd.

Ohh.
Yes. Yes, we do.

- Okay, that would be great.
- (Mike) Ohh.

- Thank you so much.
- Oh.

Ohh. Ohh. They're on their
way over with Boyd right now.

Ah. Empty the cauldron.
I think I gotta throw up.

Just relax. It--I think
it's gonna be okay.

Okay? I just about lost
our grandson.

Yeah, and then kidnapped
another kid. (Chuckles)

I didn't kidnap anybody.

I just grabbed
somebody else's kid,

gave him a bunch of candy,
and brought him to my house.

Mike, could--could you
please not repeat

that story to the police?

Ohh. (Sighs)

How could you not know that
this wasn't Boyd?

It's Halloween,
for God sakes. It's--

this neighborhood's filthy
with skeletons.

As it turns out, it--it's not
that original of an outfit.

Hey, Mandy.

(High-pitched voice)
Hey, guys. Hey.

Were you just trying
to sneak by us?

No. No. No, no.

Really? 'Cause it seemed like
you were slinkin' in.

No. I'm a cat, remember?
So... (Meows) Good night.

Get down here.

Right now. Right here.

Open that coat.

Where's the Garfield costume?

Dad, this is Garfield.
Look, look, look.

Ohh.
This is his tail,

and these are his ears.

Where's his head?

It's in a dumpster
behind the gas station.

You know, I put a deposit
on that head.

Hey, that's
Becky Wong's little brother.

She's in the grade behind me.

Yeah, for now.

Yeah, I used to babysit him.

Good. You can babysit him
right now.

- Keep him comfortable, will ya?
- All right.

(Doorbell rings) Ohh.

Oh, thank goodness.
That must be judge Wong...

And her husband.

Was that Wong?

No, that was Bill Calhoun
from up the street.

Remind me to get our spare key
back from them. (Chuckles)

Uh, hey, dad. I think I just
heard Kristin parking her car.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Okay. Why are you telling me?

I'm practicing.
Okay.

Listen, I'm gonna
just stall her

until the Wongs get here
with Boyd.

Hey, keep a low center
of gravity.

She'll never get by you.

Hi, dad.
Hey, sweetie.

Get any monster tips?
(Keys jangle)

(Scoffs)

You get it?

(Scoffs)
Yeah, because I heard it

40 times tonight,

but, you know,
you said it the best, dad.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm gonna go check on Boyd.

Before you go, I'd like
to know about your day,

so catch me up.

Um, well, it sucked.
You're all caught up.

(Chuckles) Hey, come on.
It's a diner. Halloween.

There must be something
to make dad laugh. Come on.

Um, okay. Um...
Hmm, hmm. Oh. Oh!

The, uh, fry cook wore a costume
that was highly flammable.

(Chuckles) Kitchen bloopers.

(Chuckles) Right? That's funny.
- Yeah.

I thought you would like that.

Yeah. Wait. No, um...
Oh, boy. Uh...

Hold on, Kristin.
Stop for a second.

Let me tell you something.

I ended up taking Boyd
trick-or-treating.

Uh, after I said not to?

Mm-hmm.

Ohh! I have never been
so angry at you.

Stick around.

I'm sorry. Who's this?

Boyd's on his way back here
right now.

Back from where?

Because everybody that he knows
is in this room.

The Wongs'.
The Wongs'?

(Doorbell rings)

That's probably them right now.

You'll be laughing
about this tomorrow morning.

I can explain.

Hey, Victor.

Yes, sir.
Um, can I talk to Eve?

Victor?

Trick or treat.

Dad.

What are you doing here?

I-I thought
you hated Halloween.

Yeah, but I know you like it,

so, listen,
my mom's in the car,

and I was wondering

if you wanted to hang out
at my house

and maybe hand out candy
and stuff.

Dad?

Sure. Have a lot of fun.
Not too much.

I know where you live, Victor.

Yes, sir.

(Chuckles)

Kristin.

Look, I can't live like this.
I am moving in with Kyle.

Ooh! I call dibs on your room.

I am not actually moving in
with Kyle.

It's an empty threat,

like when you say
you're going to college.

Boyd's fine.

He's with, uh,
a family practice judge

and a pediatrician.

He's safer with them
than with us.

Well, I think
you've proven that.

Uh, let's--let's get Jimmy
something to eat. (Chuckles)

Ohh. Yeah, I think
he just made some room.

Come on.

Seriously, dad, what the hell?

I took your sister
to get her costume,

and she didn't want
to get a costume,

so I bought Boyd something,

and he looked really cute
in that,

and I wanted to show him off... (Sighs)

And it just brought back
memories

of taking all you girls
trick-or-treating,

and I think I, uh, you know,
got too excited with Boyd.

I'm sorry about that.

So did Boyd have fun?

Up--up until I lost him,
yeah.

(Sighs) Boyd's first Halloween.

I really wish
I could have gone with him.

It's not that late.
You're dressed as a waitress.

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)
Come on. Go. G--take him.

Okay, okay.

All right. Only if you come
with us, though.

I'd love to.

(Chuckles) You know what
would make it perfect?

What?

If we actually had Boyd.

(Doorbell rings)

Oh.

She's a judge.
Be very nice to her.

- Okay. All right. Okay.
- Ohh.

- Ohh . (Chuckles) Boyd, hey.
- Oh, Boyd! Hi, baby.

Good to see ya, buddy. Come
on in, guys. Ohh. Look at you.

Jimmy! (Vanessa,
high-pitched voice) Oh, yay!

Oh, hey, hey. I'm so sorry
about this, doc. Are we okay?

Okay? You took my boy.

Well, they all look alike.

Skeletons.

This is not over.

You know,
you took my grandson, too.

- How do I know who took who first?
- Wait, wait, wait.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I know you took mine first.

- You didn't know--
- Mr. Wong, please won't you accept

our most sincere apologies?

Well... (Sighs)

- We are practically neighbors.
- Yeah.

Hug it out?

(Speaking Asian language)

(Both mouth words)

Thank you very much.

- Thank you.
-(Singsongy) Good-bye!

Hey, happy Halloween.
Thank you both for coming over.

- No.
- So sorry!

(Sighs) (Exhales deeply)

She is so lovely.

(Organ playing)

♪ Vanessa, Vanessa ♪

♪ my pirate princess-a ♪

♪ right from the start ♪

♪ you plundered my heart ♪

♪ I must confess-a ♪

♪ Vanessa, Vanessa ♪

♪ Vanessa, Vanessa ♪
(Stops playing organ abruptly)

Bill.

Vanessa?

Yeah. (Sighs)

Where's your pirate outfit?

It's--it's in storage.

The boots, too?

Bill, go home.

See you at car pool?

No.

I understand.

All right, Boyd.

This is the first law of hunting. Yay!

(Chuckles) If you shoot it,
you gotta eat it.

That's right.

Let's say this is the deer
you just shot

when you were up by our cabin.

Honey, uh, Mike, honey.
He's 2 years old.

I'm just trying to teach him
to eat the whole thing.

Yeah, but do you have
to tell him that he...

(Whispers) He killed it?
(Mouths words)

(Normal voice)
Do something appropriate.

Why don't you just say
the spoon

is a--is a choo-choo train
or something?

Make it, you know...

(Imitating train chugging)
Yeah. Here we go..

(Chanting) The choo-choo train
is coming down the track.

What's in the track but
a big, fat deer? (Humming)

We killed that deer.
Try this here.

Mmm!

(Laughs)