Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 19 - Ding Dong Ditch - full transcript

Ohh.

Oh, this family spends too much time watching TV

and not enough time talking.

Honey, you're talking right now.

Mike.

Besides, this is educational.

Oh, come on.
How is that educational?

I'm teaching Eve here how not
to be a gator-huntin' hillbilly.

Hey, dad, can we get a swamp boat?

Yep.

Ohh. Well, Boyd's down. Ooh.



Did they catch that big gator yet?

No, but the toothless guy fell in the water

trying to save his jug.

Speaking of jugs, look at the grandma.

That's--that's enough.

Come on. That's enough of this. Come on.

All right. I'll turn it off. We'll talk. Let's go.

Great. So, Kristin, are you
excited, college girl?

Mom, I'm taking one class.
It's hardly college.

She's right. It's not college
till you take six classes

and only show up for one.

I am really excited, though,
because they say that

students who spend time in the real world

do better in college.



Why?

You know, because their
life experience helps them.

Why?

I don't know, Eve.
I can't explain it.

Well, then maybe it hasn't helped you.

Mom!

All right, honey, relax.

It's gonna be great.

Look, college transformed me.

I was a nerd in high school,

and then I went to Ohio State,
and I totally blossomed.

Right, into the coolest girl in the geology lab.

Whoa. Showtime.

Hey, you can run, but you can't hide!

Was that the ding dong ditcher?

I don't know what that is.

This is the guy that's ringing
the doorbell and running away.

Did you I.D. The perp?

No, but my motion-activated video camera did.

All the information's right here
on this little S.D. Card.

Oh, I hope you put that camera up...

After I came home,

because my hair was in a bun

and my makeup was running.

Why was your makeup running?

I just--I was crying my eyes out in the car.

God, that Adele-- she cannot keep a man.

This is more suspenseful than on "The Bachelor"

when Jason Mesnick broke up with Melissa

and proposed to Molly.

Yeah, that was amazing,

- 'cause he had the whole date planned. They went out--
- You remember?

I didn't see it.
I don't know why I said that.

All right. There we go.

There we go. Right there.
Here he is.

Ringing the doorbell.
Turn around.

It's just a person in a red hoodie.

Is he also carrying a basket
of goodies and knocking

on grandma's door?

Wow.
Look who remembered a book.

I'm, uh, gonna get something from the kitchen.

I'm gonna go reload the video camera.

Ben?

Ben?

Hey.

Hey.
What are you doing here?

I had to talk to you.

Why didn't you just call?

I wanted to see you.

Oh.

So... what did you need to say?

That I can't wait to see you tomorrow.

Me, too.

Okay.

- Okay.
- All right.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Last Man Standing - S01E19
Ding Dong Ditch

Original air date
February 28, 2012

All right, now make sure
my bear is nice and clean.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Alzate, this ladder feels
a little unsteady.

I know. You wanna know why?
Because it's poorly made.

Please don't let go.

I wouldn't dream of it.
Watch it now.

Easy. Easy.

There you go.

Hey, Mike.

What's the matter?
You look a little sleepy.

I haven't been sleeping well.
There's a kid prankin' my house.

Oh. Ouch. Oh.

Well, I have to admit,
I like a good prank, though.

- I love it. Yeah.
- Ohh.

I remember in Vietnam we used
to play some dumb jokes...

- Mm.
- I'll tell ya, like once,

I opened my mess kit, and inside was a face.

But be creative with the prank, you know,

like, um, leave a flaming bag of dog poop

- on a porch or, uh...
- That's--that's good.

Or a flaming box of dog poop...

- Mm.
- Or put a flaming dog

- in a box of poop.
- Yeah.

Well, I gotta give that kid a taste

of his own medicine somehow.

All right.
Well, I-I like--

I like where you're heading with this.

All right. Okay.
How about...

Bear trap?

You know, I don't think I want the kid

on the front lawn screaming,

trying to chew his leg off.

Wait a second.
Wait a second.

- Mm?
- You know how loud these things are?

- Oh, an air horn.
- That's right.

What if I could wire this up
so when he rings my bell,

he gets a little bit of his own medicine?

Ohh! Ohh!

I'm okay. Don't worry.

We're not.

What you want to do is take a string like this...

And as such, organic compounds are classified

according to functional groups,

such as carboxylic acids...

Yes?

Hi. Uh, is this organic chemistry?

Yes. In fact, it has been
for the past ten minutes.

I'm, uh... hi. Sorry.
I'm really sorry I'm late.

Um, my--my sister Mandy drove me halfway,

and then I got out and ran

because it was faster and much safer.

And now it's 11 minutes.

Okay, now this next part will be on the test--

our good friends aliphatic hydrocarbons.

Who can tell me the three groups that

these hydrocarbons are divided into?

What about you?

Hmm? What?

Uh, I-I'm, uh...

I'm sorry.
Can you repeat the question?

What about you?

Oh. Honey, what are you doing
sitting down here in the dark?

Cut the light out!

Cut the light out!

Kid's running late.

He must have changed his pattern.

Honey, you've--you've been
down here over an hour.

I've waited in duck blinds
a lot longer than this,

and it would've been worth it
if you hadn't burnt the duck.

Oh, stop.

Shh, shh.

What?

- I hear him. Listen.
- Where?

All right.

Aah!

Come on.

All right. All right.

Call the police.

- Oh, come on, honey.
- What?

Don't you think that's excessive?

Yeah, you're probably right.
Let's put him in the cage

- in the basement.
- No, just--

Who are you?
What's your name?

If I tell you, will you let me go?

Yes.

All right.
It's Ben Milbauer.

I lied.

- To the cage in the basement.
- Come on!

Honey, honey, wait.

But wh-why are you doing this?

I don't know.

You don't--you don't know why
you're ringing our doorbell?

Mom, dad, what are you doing?

- We're not doing anything.
- We caught little red running hood.

We--we just want to-- we want to talk to him.

Just come here. Come here.
Come sit down.

Look, Ben, I-I mean, I just--are--

do you think you're being funny?

Uh, what--what would your mother think?

- You know what?
- Yeah.

I tell you what she'd think.
She'd say you were being rude.

I mean, I just--I don't know
any other word for it.

- Right.
- It's just rude

and--and, uh, and inconsiderate
and, uh, and thoughtless.

Uh... uh, it's ill-mannered.

Boorish.
It's just boorish to me.

I-I can't even-- not to mention annoying.

That cage is starting to sound
like a good idea right now.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

What if he promises never to do it again?

Do you know him?

No. Of course not.

No, no, no. Look, I-I promise, okay?

Look, I promise it'll never happen again. Please.

He does look scared.

Honey, maybe we should let him go.

This is why I don't go fishing with you.

All right.
Catch and release.

Let's go. Come on.

But you don't come back here!

You come back here,

next time you know what I'll do?

I'll twist your head off

like a hungry chimp with a spider monkey!

Whack!

They do that.

Hi.
Frank Milbauer, Ben's dad.

Oh, hey. Mike Baxter.
Come on in.

- That's my wife Vanessa.
- Hi.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Listen, uh, your son

came by and apologized, so we're all good.

No need for you to apologize.

However, if there was a 6-pack of, uh, pale ale

on the doorstep, I wouldn't throw it away.

How does it feel to bully a 13-year-old boy?

I don't think
we're getting that pale ale.

You scared the hell out of my son.

Well, he was trespassing, uh, Frank.

Yeah, well, he was playing a harmless prank,

and you became Rambo.

Well, you shouldn't pull
a prank on Rambo.

Uh, what--what
my husband is trying to say is

your son was on our property.

And while he was on your property,

he sprained his wrist...

And we had to get an x-ray for it,

- and it cost us $300.
- Mm.

- Wow. Yeah, we're-- we're very sorry about that.
- We're sorry about that.

Yeah.

I want you to pay for the hospital bill.

- Not that sorry.
- Yeah.

Fine.

I'll see you in court.

Oh, come on, Frank.

- Oh, come on.
- Listen, look--

my husband will kick your ass first!

There you are.

I've been waiting for, like, 20 minutes,

and I texted you a lot of frowny faces.

I know. I know. I'm sorry.

I'm just looking over my quiz score.

So this is college, huh?

It's sort of exactly like high school,

but the girls have let themselves go.

Mandy, I'm a disaster.

Oh, you haven't gained any weight. Nope.

All right. Come on.
You ready? Let's go.

No. Look. Look at my score.

He gave you a "go."

That's a 60.

That's the lowest score

I've ever gotten in my entire life.

Show-off.

No, back in high school,

I was that annoying girl
who had all of the answers,

and now I'm that clueless girl
who puts her head down

and prays that she doesn't get called on.

Kristin, I have a really good
trick for that, okay?

Say you have bad cramps.
No teacher wants to touch that.

I think I'm gonna quit.

No. Come on. Why?

Because I've been out of the game for three years,

and everyone is smarter and faster than me.

Look, I'm not the world's greatest student...

Did somebody accuse you of that?

But there's a lot more to me than just school,

like how I can look at what someone's wearing

and tell you why it does or doesn't work

or how I make old people smile.

Mandy, I know you're trying to help,

but I want to be a doctor.

Yeah, and you know what doctors do?

They listen and they're compassionate,

and you're like that every single day with Boyd.

Yeah, well, that's very sweet,

but Boyd is not gonna help me
pass organic chemistry.

Oh, please! Ohh!
You're such a nerd.

Seriously, you're gonna catch up
and pass everybody.

Just thinking about it makes me sick.

Thank you.

Now let's go. Come on.

Ugh. Okay.
Where'd you park?

Oh, right out front.
Left the car with the valet.

No, Mandy.
There is no valet.

There's no valet! Run!

Hey, fellas.

Good-lookin' fin.

Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

Today I want to talk about
accountability and a fishhook.

What do I mean?
Most people look at a fishhook

and they go, "oh, I'll put
a little fishin' line on there

and go fishin',"

but it must be confusing to some other people,

'cause they put a warning label
on a bag of fishhooks--

"do not swallow."

Really?

You gotta be told not to swallow these things?

That's a warning?

That's the warning for these things.

They should read that.

What kind of person swallows one of these?

And mistakes it for what, a garnish?

Instead of going to the emergency room,

tail between your legs...

"Sorry, I got into the cookin' sherry,

and I thought it was a cherry tomato."

No! You morons won't take responsibility.

You want to sue the manufacturer
of the fishhook?!

Take some responsibility.

You do something stupid, it's your fault.

And you know what?
If you're that kind of guy

that can't figure out whether you should eat this

or hook with it, don't come to Outdoor Man,

'cause we got all sorts of stuff
we don't want you putting

in your mouth around here.

The rest of you, stop down.

We're having a big sale on shotguns.

Great job, Mr. B.

Yeah, thanks.

I didn't know you could sue
over little things like that.

It's a litigious society, Kyle.

You sue over anything-- slippin' on the sidewalk,

fallin' off a ladder.

I fell off a ladder.

Okay. That's just about enough
of that subject.

How about that Madonna?
Can she sing or what, huh?

It was probably my fault, though.

Doesn't matter in today's world
whose fault it is, right, Ed?

Uh, listen, Mike,

we're talking about Madonna here, all right?

Have--have you seen her arms?

Looks like the world's strongest bird.

Hey, you know, you're right.

- The live version is totally better.
- Yeah.

Did you just hear the door shut?

What?

She said, "did you just hear the door shut?"

This would be a great time for an explanation.

You're home early.

That's not an explanation.

You remember Ben.

Hey. Yeah.

Yeah, I-I'd shake your hand,
but I sprained my wrist. Yeah.

Might be a good time for you to go home.

Yes, sir.

Bye.

Why did you lie to me?

How did I lie?

You said you didn't know him.

I... forgot?

And there goes the other wrist! Ohh!

I don't know why
you have to get so mad, dad.

We didn't do anything.

I'm not mad about that. I'm glad
you didn't do anything,

but you know that kid.

You lied to me.

I-I'm sorry, okay?

No, it's not okay.
You stood in this house,

and you said you didn't know him.

Why did you lie to me?

I don't know.

Does nobody your age know why they do anything?

You're not gonna like my answer.

Try me.

I don't know.

Yeah, well, that's too bad.

So what's my punishment?

I don't know.

That's it?

What am I gonna do so I can feel the same way

about you as I did before I came into this house?

You wanted to see me, sir?

Oh, please, please.

You call me "sir," I look around for my father.

My name is Edward, but you can call me "Ed."

But I've never called you "Ed."

Go on.
Have a seat. Have a seat.

No, have my seat.

There you go.

Oh, this is nice.

Yeah. Huh?
You like it, huh?

Have a cigar. Come on.

Come on, huh? Have that.
There you go.

All right.

Thank you.

Okay.

Kyle, here at Outdoor Man,

we take care of our own, which is why

I'm offering you three nights
at the Mile High Inn.

It's right near the airport.

Huh?

I do like to watch the planes take off.

I know that, and you can enjoy

the communal hot tub there, right?

And a wide range of free cable television.

Vibrating mattress.

Wow.

Thanks... Ed.

Uh, but before you go,
I need you to sign this form.

What is it?

Oh, it's nothing.
Just sign.

Should I read it?

I wouldn't.

This looks like a liability waiver.

You want to enjoy the hot tub or not?

Mr. Alzate, are you worried
that I'm gonna sue you?

Well...

I would never do that, sir.

I think of you like family...

Like a father.

Kyle.

I'm feeling something I don't often feel...

Shame.

Here. Here.

Enjoy the motel.

- Go and have some fun. Go.
- That's not necessary.

Please. I insist, and take
my chair, too. Go ahead.

You're giving me your chair?

Oh, no. H-here. Here.

Here are the keys. Go on.

You're giving me your car?

In the trunk, there's a set of golf clubs.

You can use those.
Go ahead.

I don't golf.

I'll teach you, son.

Hey. You wanted to see me?

Yeah. Um, come on in.

Sit down, okay, Eve?

Listen, I'm just gonna ask you

one more time why you lied to me,

and "I don't know"--

that's not an answer.

Because Ben was the ding dong ditcher,

and you would have hated him.

Wow. Well, you're probably right, too...

'Cause that is, like, the lamest prank.

You know, you're doing what the pizza guy does.

Come up and ring the doorbell.

"Gotcha!"

That was just his signal
that he wanted to see me.

Why didn't he just throw
pebbles against your window?

Uh, he doesn't have the arm.

That kid is a disappointment on many levels.

Then I didn't come clean because...

I know I'm your favorite.

I-I wanted to be the person you thought I was.

I have three girls. I...

I don't have any favorites.

You're still my favorite.

Are we okay?

There's still a punishment involved, though.

What?

I want you to pay for his hospital bill.

That's $300, and he got hurt
because of your air horn.

All right.

We'll go halves, counselor.
Is that fair?

That sounds fair.

It is...
'Cause you're my favorite.

And you know what?
You want to play a prank

on somebody, ask the master, you know?

We'll get a paper bag and some matches,

take the dog, but first we feed him

something real greasy.

Chomp, chomp.

So did you, uh, have a pleasant day at school, Ben?

I did, Eve. Thank you.

I had math... Which I enjoy.

I... I had a group oboe lesson.

Did you?

Yeah, I did.

Ah.

Hey, Ben, uh, are you enjoying your date?

Not a bit, sir.