Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 18 - Baxter & Sons - full transcript

(Indistinct conversations)

Pardon me, miss?

I'm looking for Mike Baxter.

- Actually, it's "ma'am."
- Ah.

- My mistake.
- Hey.

(Chuckles) How are you?

You guys all know
my kid brother Jimmy, right?

(All) Hey.

And you all know
my personal masseuse, Ramone?

Hey.

They'll wave at anything,
won't they?



Well, they probably think you're
that special needs visitor

- that's coming by to take a tour of the store.
- Ah.

Yes. Keep talking, brother.

The only special need
you're gonna have to worry about

is learning how to speak
without your teeth.

So you still think you could
take your older brother?

With my eyes closed
d d my feet in cement.

Which is pretty much how you
played little league baseball.

(Mouths words)

"I'm scared. I'm scared."

Okay. That one actually
hurt a little.

So what are you doing
in Denver?

You run out of
social diseases out in Durango?

Ah. You getting
a little senile?



I'm here to talk with Ed
about the bid

to build your new store
out by the airport.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ed!

Jim!

Hey, Edward.
(Ed laughs)

- Good to see you, Ed. How are you?
- Thank you. Good to see you.

- Great.
- Michael, I'm seriously considering letting Jim build

our next store in Thornton. Huh?
Pending your okay, of course.

Yeah, yeah, that's great.

Uh, we gotta talk
in your office for a minute.

We'll be right back out.

I'll just spread out here.

Dot t touch any of my stuff.

Listen, Ed, why are you always

springing stuff on me
without any warning?

"Always"?
Name one other time.

Off the top of my head,

how about the "exotic elf"
at the Christmas party?

I had no idea she was gonna
take her clothes off.

The kids were in shock.

If it's any consolation,
later on in the evening,

she stole my TV set.

When we talked about my brother
coming here to bid on this,

I said I don't mix
business and family.

Come on. Your brother's been
doing construction for 25 years.

Yeah, but if we give him
this job,

he's gonna be around here
for a year.

So?

I can't even be
on a touch football team

with a guy like that.
He'll have to play quarterback.

I'm a receiver.
He sends me on the wrong route!

I'm in the end zone,
going like this--

"I'm open! I'm open! I'm open!
For the love--"

yeah! And that's just what
he did, like this.

(Chuckles) This-- this sounds--
sounds like a classic case

of two alpha males
fighting for turf,

like-- like-- like monkeys
or-- or aggressive tree roots.

Don't get me wrong.
I love my idiot brother.

Yeah. In my experience, fighting
and loving go hand in hand.

That's why
your second wife shot you.

Then we made love
in the ambulance.

You decide about working with
Jim, but I'll tell you this--

it was a hell of a bid,
and they have some great ideas.

"They"?

Is my dad involved in this?

Michael, don't sucuch.

Last Man Standing - S01E18
Baxter & Sons

Original air date
February 21, 2012

(Tv blooping)

Hey, w-what are you doing?

Just deleting
all your "hoarders" episodes.

Well, don't, don't. They make me
feel good about my closet.

Mom, you have
more than 20 saved up.

You know, mother, you're
actually hoarding "hoarders."

Hey, everybody,
we got a visitor alert.

Hey, hey.

Jimmy!

- Hi.
- Hey, guys. Oh, my God.

- Hey. Mwah. Hi.
- Look at you. Hey, beautiful.

You are still
way too gorgeous for my brother.

Oh, stop, stop.

Ah, no, one more thing.
Say one more nice thing.

(Sniffs)

You smell pretty.

Aw. Honey, how come you never
say things like that?

Because I already have ya.

Yeah. Please, big hug.
Let me look at you.

I'm trying to remember which
one of you I like the best.

It's me.

It was you, briefly.

Mike. Where do I plug in
the sewage pipe for my RV?

Where did we do it last time?

The Wongs',
and they didn't like it.

- Hello, beautiful. Mm.
- Oh, my good-- mwah. Ohh. Good to see you.

Gosh, why didn't you two
tell us you were coming?

We didn't want
to be any trouble.

You'd just be out buying food,
cleaning the guest rooms.

- Yeah. (Chuckles)
- Uh, where you going?

I'm gonna go buy food,
clean the guest rooms...

- Remember, I like red meat. It does not like me.
- (Mike) Yeah.

Trust me, dad, that is something
that, uh, we will never forget.

Why were you trying
to pass me on the freeway?

Why didn't you let me pass you?

Because I'm leading you
to my house.

I know where you live,
and your way is stupid.

My way's stupid? Well, your--
your way is stupider.

I know how to get
to your house.

- It's not a stupid thing--
- ladies.

And ugly.

This is us in 30 years.

Who wants a beer?

Yeah.

What kind do you have?

The free kind.

Sounds good.

Pop. Take a load off.
I'll go get the bags.

Do it. Don't brag about it.

You girls...

You're so beautiful.

I'm sorry your grandma
couldn't see you all grown up.

Do you still miss her, grandpa?

Sure, I do. She was
my soulmate, you know?

They only come around
once in a lifetime.

Do you still set her place
at the dinner table?

No. That would be creepy.

So, grandpa, what do you do
with all your time?

I fill my days. I, uh,
help Jim run the business.

A little chess in the park.

I write angry letters
to a variety of publications.

Hey, can I get you anything?

- Yeah, I'm a little peckish.
- Yeah?

Why don't you grab
those pistachios over there?

Why don't all three of us
get them?

'Cause it's a tiny bowl?

Just come with me.

Guys, grandpa seems
really lonely.

(Eve) Where did you
get that from?

The way he talks about Nana.
You know, it's been Five years.

- I think n needs to meet someone.
- No, no.

No, no, no. Mandy, we are not
gonna set grandpa up.

Why not?

Because this isn't
a 1950s musical.

Hey, what's holding up my nuts?

So Ed's gonna let Baxter & sons
build the new store?

It's worse.
He says it's my decision.

So what are you gonna do?

I'm not gonna let him build it.

Jim turns everything
into a competition,

and I'm not gonna let him win.

Well, your dad'll be there.
Won't he keep the peace?

Right.
He likes it when we fight.

I think it's
what keeps him alive.

Come on!

I'm not kidding.

Every time Jim and I argue,
my dad's skin looks better.

Well, honey,
maybe this is a good thing.

I mean, I-I think

Jimmy's always been a little
jealous of your success.

I mean, maybe this will
bring you closer.

We are close.

Well, you see each other,
what, three times a year?

What do you even talk about?

Everything-- sports, the Broncos,
how the team's doing...

Honey, those are one thing.

Would you go in business
with your sister?

Which one? April or Teri?

Teri.

No.

April?

No.

Why did you say,
"which one?"

You know, my sisters--

they're-- they're varying degrees
of crazy, but Jim-- Jim's not.

Come on.

Can't you just put aside
your family issues

and give the guy a chance?

I hate it when you think
I'm a better man than I am.

Hey, Mike. You need a hand
with anything?

Like, um...
Getting me that beer?

(Bottle cap fizzes)
How about I get you a job?

Why don't you build
the Outdoor Man?

That's a good call.

(Chuckles) "Good call."

That's it?

What do you want me to do?
Kiss your loafers?

It's a good call.

No, but I-- you know.

I'm asking you to build
an 80,000-square-foot building,

maybe some guys would say,
"thank you."

- Brother, I'm gonna hand you the best Outdoor Man...
- I-I know you are.

- In the history of Outdoor Men...
- No, I understand all that. I unders--

so I'm thinking some guys
would say, "you're welcome."

- Y-you're welcome.
- Right. "You're welcome." It's easy.

- No, you're welcome.
- No, you're totally welcome.

- You start with a "thank you"...
- Listen, this is--

my pleasure. You're welcome.

- No, you're welcome.
- You are welcome.

- You're welcome.
- Welcome!

It starts-- it star--
gee, thank you.

You're welcome?

Hey, Ed.

Oh, there you are.

I got your emergency text.
What's the problem?

Yeah, uh...
(Clears throat)

(Lowered voice) You see
the fetching sandwich lady

over there? Hmm?

(Speaking inaudibly)

(Whispers) What's her name?

Uh... Jackie.

J-Jackie! Yes, that's it.

(Normal voice) Thank you
very much. Thank you thanks.

This is precisely why

I never wanted you to have
my cell phone number.

- Come on now, come on now.
- Now why the frosty tone?

Gee, I'm sorry, Ed,
but I'm a little busy.

Got to head to the bank with
proper construction permits,

get my brother a loan
so he can build a building

so I can be his boss
so he can resent me

and probably kill me
with a backhoe.

Have a great morning.

Are we still hung up on this?

"Still"?
This just happened yesterday.

Okay, fine, fine, fine.

Look, you pout all the way
to the bank, but remember this--

your brother has been living
a little under your shadow,

and that can't be easy.

What's the point, Ed?

Point is it takes
two people to fight.

You don't have to
be one of them.

(Sighs)

I hate it when you and my wife

think I'm a better guy
than I really am.

(Under breath) Jackie, yes...

(Clears throat)

Hello, Jackie.

Who's Jackie?

Look at all of those
cute little old ladies

looking for little old men.
Look at her hat. She's fancy.

What's going on?

Oh, just looking for
a love match for grandpa.

Oh, and, guys,
just so you know,

I set up this couple
at my school,

and now she's pregnant,

so, pretty sure
I know what I'm doing.

(Exhales deeply)

Okay. Who do we got?

Oh, okay, um...

"Fun-loving widow looking
for a rugged gentleman to..."

Really? At that age?

I don't even know
why you're here.

I think I know how to ge
a loan for start-up costs.

Listen, I'm just making sure

it's properly licensed
and permitted.

You really are a nerd,
aren't you?

Ugh.

Hi, guys. Richard Clark.

Hey, Richard.

Good to see you again,
Mr. Baxter.

We know each other?

I went to school
with your daughter Kristin.

Ah.

Tell her Richard says, "hello."
(Chuckles)

Why are you laughing at that?

I'm thinking he got some.

You asked a qutition

and, uh, you must be
James Baxter,

the loan applicant.

That's right.

Well, James. (Sighs)

Looked over
your request, and...

I've got to say, I'm a little
concerned about your assets.

"Concerned" how, Spanky?

- Imagine we're talking about doughnuts.
- Okay.

I wish you had
a large box of doughnuts,

but instead, you've only got,
like, seven doughnuts.

Yeah.

I need more doughnuts.

Look, my brother just needs
seed money for the project.

Mike, I think I got this.

Really?
Doing a good job so far,

letting a college sophomore
turn you down for a loan.

Yoyou're, uh...
Yoyou're turning me do?

Just, you're a a--
you're a little overextended

what happened
all your doughnuts?

Last couple projects,
we built on spec.

We haven't unloaded'em yet.
It's not a big deal.

Is that what this is about?

- Wait, wait, "on spec"?
- Don't lecture me.

You're not supposed
to use your doughnuts.

I mean, if you have to
use a couple of your doughnuts,

then you come to a clown like
this for the other doughnuts.

(Chuckles)

What are you laughing about?

I'm not.
It's just a nervous tic.

Well, take some medicine.

No way,
I-I think you should reapply,

you know after the economy bounces back.

Yah. That's great come on, Mike.

Wait a sec, wait a second.

Whatt if I cosign the loan as an executive of Outdoor Man?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
- Just listen up.

Well, that would certainly
change things.

I'm not asking you to do that.

I know you're not,
but you heard Richie Rich.

You're not getting the loan
otherwise.

Would you do this
for another contractor?

No.

Right. Forget it.

I may not have
enough doughnuts,

but I still have my pride.
No deal.

Don't be a baby about this.

"Baby"?
Hey, I'm not being a baby.

- I am the one who stayed home with dad...
- Oh, start this...

- Start this--
- and kept the family business going while you ran off.

- "Ran off"?
- Yeah.

- How about college?
- Anyway, anyway...

How about getting a career
and all that stuff?

Thanks for coming in, and...

Tell Kristin
that I own my own car now.

Sit down, sport.
Look at this.

We came here for a loan,
so don't be a martyr about dad.

The only reason
you stayed with dad,

'cause it was cheaper
and easier to do that.

- You ran away.
- When we get out that parking lot,

- you'll be running away.
- Oh, I'm gonna be running away.

Unless you want to go here.

- I would go here, yes.
- Let's do that. Let's go here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm thinking the parking lot
might be better for fighting.

There's more room.
It's well-lit.

There's a little clinic
right across the street,

in case you get hurt.

You're right, kid.

All right, now I want you
to keep an open mind,

because love comes
in many forms.

Who are these women?

You're gonna pick that one,

and then you're gonna
ask her out,

and then you won't
be lonely anymore,

and it's all because of me!

Mandy.

- Full disclosure...
- Yeah.

I've got a girlfriend.

What?

Her name is Stella,
and she's a real spitfire.

So you can't go to a senior
square dance at Nibblers?

No, thanks. I'm more
of a salsa guy, anyway.

(Sighs) See you later.

Where you going?

Meeting up with a hot grandma
for dinner, dancing, and then

after that, we're gonna see
where the afternoon takes us.

Yee-haw.

Hey, dad.

I am so glad you're here.

Me, too.

Yeah.

Isn't it great,

the way Jim and Mike
are getting along so well?

Hmm.
That's your impression

of what's happening
around here?

Ah...

They tussle
about this and that,

but they're gonna love
working together.

You're just trying
to show me up,

like I can't
get a loan on my own.

Because you can't
get the loan on your own!

- What happened?
- I didn't get the loan.

He could have got the loan
if he weren't so stubborn!

- Oh--
- just let me cosign for it--

pop, there are
a million other projects

you and I could be working on

without having to deal
with all this.

What do the hand gestures mean?

It means you're not fooling me.

You're trying
to rub my face in it

and make me feel like a loser.

Or maybe it's a brother trying
to help another brother out,

- who deserves a shot. Maybe that's all!
- All right, all right. Stop!

I've had enough
of you two guys!

Neither one of you's too big
to put over my knee replacement.

You know what, pop?

I can't deal with this guy.

The project is dead.
All right?

If you need me, I'll be in the RV,

opening a can of beans.

Not the beans! The beans are for
when the government takes over!

What is going on here?
(Sighs)

You know what?

Maybe this isn't
just about you and Jimmy

and-- and building a store.

What do you mean?

(Sighs) Look at what
your father did to the paper.

Hillary's always
had a mustache.

No, the real estate section.
He's circling apartment ads.

Your father wants to move here.

Why?

"Why?" "Why?"
Because the project's here,

his family's here.
I mean, just put it together.

He wants to be near
his granddaughters,

his great-grandson, you.

And for God sake, the van
does say "Baxter & sons."

You figured all that out
by these red circles, huh?

It's a knack.

Never let 'em tell you
women aren't smart.

Who said that?

It's not important.

Who? Who?

- I-I--
- Is it somebody at work?

- No, it's not--
- Give me a name. Name one person.

- No, I'm not sa--
- one per-- name one person.

Was it the idiots
down at the loading dock?

- Forget the loading dock...
- Can't think of anybody?

What are you guys doing here?

What are you doing here?

It's my office.

Ooh. Mike has an office.

Ed called us here.

He's not gonna
change my mind, pop.

I'd rather build taco stands
for the rest of my life

than have him cosign a loan
and lord it over me.

Jim, does he lord it over you
that he saved your butt

from that bully, Andy O'Connell,
in the seventh grade?

How do you even remember
that kid's name?

- Because Mike always--
- Dad, dad, dad.

Oh, good.

You'll all here.

All right.

Gentlemen...

I'm giving the project over
to my second choice...

Trumbull.

Case closed.

Trumbull?

All right, you idiots.
You happy now?

(Door opens)

Ed. Those guys
are gangsters, man.

They're gonna gouge you.

Ed, Jim's right.
They're thieves. You know that.

Eh, maybe, but they're thieves
with heavy equipment and, uh,

an experienced crew,
and no infighting.

Ed, wait.

You're gonna let him do this?
(Whispers) What?

What am I supposed
to do about it?

I... cosign the loan.

Why don't you use
your big-guy voice?

Cosign the loan.

Anything's better than giving
the business to those crooks.

I thought you said
it made you feel a loser.

Yeah, but then pop pointed out

that your desk
doesn't have any drawers,

so I feel a little better
about myself.

It's very stylish.
Just don't call it a desk.

Are you all right with this?

Look, Mike,
if you're still willing...

Yeah, I'm good.

I'm willing. Let's do it.

All right.
All right.

Baxter &...

- Sons.
- Yeah.

This is a great day.
What happens next?

I drive us to the bank.

We'll use my car.

You kind of drive
like miss Daisy.

Well, actually, miss Daisy
didn't drive the car.

That was the point
of the movie, you moron.

(Mike and Jim speak at once)

I'll drive.

Whoa, hey, you--

- Mike is a fine driver.
- No, you go ahead.

- Would you drive?
- No problem.

- I'm super confident.
- You just sit, dad.

- Kind of slow, but we'll get there.
- Not driving a tractor.

We could even take
his old truck.

- I'll tell you what, I'd rather take--
- you're such a-- you know what?

Yeah, Jim Baxter here
for Outdoor Man,

letting you know that
we're, uh, locked and loaded

- for our big sale on over-under shotguns.
- Come on, brother, brother, come on, lookit.

(Keyboard keys clack)
Lookit. "Locked and loaded." Punch the words.

"Locked"--
"locked and loaded."

I can think of something
I'd like to punch, honestly.

Is this like Andy O'Connell?

If I hadn't
yanked the kid off you,

- he would have kicked your ass. Instead, I kicked his ass...
- Hey.

- And you look far better--
- you know what? It's time to go.

- Oh, let's do it.
- Come on.

(Both grunting)

(Thud)

Hoo. Still is big brother
around here. (Sighs)

(Grunting)

(Sighs) Hey...

(Sighs)

Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.

We are locked and loaded
for our new-- look who's up.

Hey, remember me?

(Thud)

(Both grunting)

Aah!

(Mike) Let go of that!
(Crash)

(Thud) Aah!