Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Last Christmas Standing - full transcript

Come on, let's go,
we're gonna be late!

Why do we even have to go to church?

Because like everyone else,
we are hedging our bets.

It's Christmastime.

God pays a lot closer attention
this time of year.

It's like October in baseball.
Every game counts.

- I can't find my church purse anywhere.
- What the...

Or the bottom half of that dress.

At least I'm not dressed
like a sister wife.

Well, at least my dress didn't
come with a stripper pole.

Dad.



Hey, it's Christmas.
Deck the halls, not each other.

- Okay, I just have to get my purse.
- No, no, d-d-don't go back up.

You know, trying to
get you guys to go to church

is like herding cats.

Honey, honey, honey,
why don't we just not go?

- We're going to church. Come on, come on, come on. Please?
- All right.

Yeah, but it's just, it's--
it's a week until Christmas,

and I'd rather get stuff done

than sit and pray that it gets done.

Honey, honey, if everyone
who didn't want to go to church

didn't go to church,
it would just be two old women

in the front row,
shushing empty pews.

- I found it. Ready.
- Great, let's go.

- Clashes with your shoes.
- No, no, no. I know what you're doing.



You're just trying to psych me out.

Am I?

Damn it.
Dad, give me two seconds.

It's hopeless.
It's hopeless.

Just a minute.
Turn around, Mandy.

Come on, down the stairs,
down the stairs.

All right, everybody.
Time for church.

- Move it! Move it! Move it! Move it!
- All right.

Keep it moving. Keep it moving.
This is great. Thank you.

And for the record,
I got the ball rolling.

Last Man Standing - S01E10
Last Christmas Standing

Original air date
December 6, 2011

Stop. Come on. You're in church.

I know.
I think God sent him to me.

- Mom. Mom. Mom. Ryan's here.
- Ow.

Oh, my God.

Honey, don't say "God" in church.

Mike.

Oh, God.

Shh!

♪ Hallelujah ♪

That's Boyd's father.
Yeah, I know.

He got Kristin pregnant
and then deserted her.

Y--we all know that.

Well, he doesn't.

Honey, what do you think
he's doing here?

I don't know.

What do you say I drag him out
by his pretty hair and ask him?

Look, I wasn't expecting this
either, but it's Christmas--

happiness, good feelings,

nuts roasting over an open fire.

Kristin,
what was Ryan doing at church?

Yeah.

Okay.

Ryan's back in town,
and he reached out to me,

so we've seen him a couple times.

He wants to be a part of Boyd's life.

Oh, well, honey,
if that's what you want,

then--then you have our full support.

You have your mother's full support.

I'm still in that "what, are you
freaking kidding me?" Camp.

Look, I know what it's like
to have an awesome dad,

and--and even if it's a long shot,

I want Boyd to have
a chance at that, too.

First off, thank you very much.

Second off, I know
exactly what you're doing.

You're complimenting me
so you'll get your way.

I invented this move.

Dad, I know you hate Ryan,
but he's different now.

He's more mature and he's even
been supporting himself.

Oh, yeah? Doing what?

Doesn't matter.

He's a drug dealer, right?

No.

He was recently a jouster
at the Renaissance Faire.

So he actually lowered the bar.

Ah, Earl. Your work
was exceptional this year.

Have a ham.

Okay.

Stuart.

I've never seen
a shoddier performance.

Have a ham.

Hi, Mike.

You know, I don't think
this socialist ham giveaway

is a good incentive program.

You want to wear the Santa suit?

Heh. Me in a Santa suit?
I don't think so.

Hey, dad.

Okay. What do you think?
Huh?

Well, baby, I think you are adorable.

Ugh. That's what I was afraid of.

It is really hard
to look sexy in green felt.

Then you've never seen

miss Sandy Duncan in "Peter Pan."

Yeah.

I can't believe I have to
work for spending money.

- Ugh. It's so work-y.
- Yeah, yeah.

Listen, your job here

is to spread holiday cheer
and help out

and also get kids to sit
in angry Santa's lap here.

But only after
they've voided their bladders--

also your responsibility.

All right, Mr. Claus.
I'll do my best.

Oh, Mr. Claus is my father.
Just call me Santa.

All right, Santa. I will try
not to disappoint you.

I have complete faith in you.

Oh, that's what everyone
always says at first.

Hey, Mr. B.?
Yep.

I just want to warn you about Ryan.

Oh, I know he's back,

but you don't need
to feel threatened about that.

I'm not threatened.

My voice got all high.

I'm clearly threatened.

I'm telling you, Kristin's not
gonna leave you for the guy.

I didn't think she was.

Why would you even
put that in the air?

'Cause he's a slick, smooth,
you know, good-looking jerk.

You find him good-looking?

Do you find me good-looking?

Well, legally, as your boss,

I'm not allowed to even answer that.

Hey, Mike. Hey.
Can you give me a sec?

I was gonna tell you.
Ryan's in your office.

Ah. Sorry about that.

I'm selling a sword on Craigslist.

Give me one reason

why I shouldn't
throw you out that window.

Because I came to have
a man-to-man talk with you,

and that won't work
if I'm in the air screaming.

Look, I want to be in Boyd's life.

I want to see him for Christmas.

And I want to be a point guard
for the nuggets.

Look, I know I screwed up,
but I'm his dad, and I'm back.

Until jousting season?

Technically, it's not seasonal.

It's at the pleasure of the King.

You left my daughter and your son.

I know. I was working.
I had a lot of jobs.

I was a singing waiter
on a cruise ship,

and now I'm the senior knight
at the Ren Faire.

And a couple months ago,

I was sitting there
at the head of the round table--

hey, whoa, walk me through that.

Head of a round table--
how does that work?

And I realized I'm at the top of
my game in every way but one--

being a dad.

Wow, that's a--that's
a good smile you got there.

Bet that really works
on the girls, doesn't it?

Well, you know...

Sounds like your acting career
is--is really taking off.

Thank you.

But the--the role
of Boyd's, uh, father

should have been cast
two and a half years ago.

I'm sorry.
How's this going in here?

'Cause I'm kind of
inside my head out there.

♪

- Cheese!
- Oh!

Okay. Next.

That's wonderful.
Thank you, thank you.

Well, well, well.
Aren't you adorable?

What's your name?

Jack.

I was talking to your mother.

Okay, all right, okay, here we go.

Now move along.
Up on Santa's lap.

- There we go.
- There you go, all right, come on.

- Here's the picture. Smile there.
- Okay? Say, "cheese."

Cheese.

There you go.
Okay.

Good job. Next!

No, no, actually,

Santa's gonna warm himself up
with a little Irish coffee.

Hold the coffee.
Be back in ten.

- Ho ho ho ho.
- Oh, good idea. I-I could use a break, too.

Yeah, you'll get a break.
It's called January to November.

But I've been on my feet all day.

You try walking around in these
pointy, uncomfortable shoes.

Don't talk to me
about uncomfortable shoes.

I didn't own a pair of shoes
till I was 12.

My mother used to paint laces
on my socks,

and nobody was fooled, by the way.

All right, everybody, back to work.

I want this place swept up

and all the candy cane baskets
refilled by the time I get back.

- All right? Ho ho ho ho ho.
- That's not fair.

Scrooge.

Hey, you can't talk
to Santa like that.

Um, he's not actually Santa Claus.

What?!

Nothing.

Nothing.

Look, just because we're playing
Santa's little helpers

doesn't mean
we don't have any rights.

Shh!
Don't make any trouble.

He knows when we've been bad or good.

Wait a second.

We get paid, like, nothing--
no breaks, no benefits.

But this is the way it's always been.

You mean the way
it's always used to been.

Ho ho ho ho ho ho.

Okay, kiddies.

Santa's back.

Ho ho ho ho ho... huh.

Where the hell is everybody?

Elves.

Ahem. (Clears throat) What about us?

Come on, people.
Back to work.

We're not gonna do
anything around here

until we get some rights.

Sweet Mandy,
am I understanding right?

You're unionizing the elves?

Yes, Mr. Alzate.
We are all in this together.

It is no longer
every elf for his... elf.

Well, thanks a lot, dad.

I heard Ryan came by
your work to apologize,

and you were mean to him?

"Mean to him"? What's he, 6?

I wasn't mean.
I was clear with him.

And listen, I work
at a store filled with guns,

and he left
with the same amount of holes

he walked in there with.

Look, he's trying to apologize,

and he wants to see Boyd
for Christmas.

You can't hold a grudge forever.

Oh, yeah, I can.

I'm still angry that those
hippies remade "true grit."

Did you understand
anything they said?

"Sheriff,
what you doing over here?

Come on now."

"That leg gonna have to come off."

Dad, I was sort of thinking,
you know,

you make everyone
go to church every week

and listen to sermons
about forgiveness.

So?

So... maybe you should
just forgive Ryan.

That's what you take away
from church? Forgiveness?

Wow.

What about the vengeful God?
All that Isaiah stuff, huh?

Rain toads on people.

Rivers into blood,
harden the heart of the Pharaoh.

How come that didn't sink in?
That's my God.

Not mine.

All right. All right.

Nobody is leaving this room
until we get this worked out.

Hmm?

I gotta go.

I'm gonna write an offer
on a piece of paper,

all right?

And slide it to you.

Why don't you just
tell me what it is?

It's more dramatic like this.

One free ham.

I don't think so.

Worth a shot.

Listen, Mr. Alzate,
you can't break us,

so you might as well just give in.

Well, we'll see about that.

All right, what are your demands?

Right, yes. Um, okay.

- "Demand number one..."
- Mm.

"We want a 5% cost-of-living
increase every 6 months."

I see. You understand
your job ends in three days?

I was not aware of that.

All right. Next demand.

Given this new information...
Mm-hmm.

Some of these things
might not apply as much.

- Mm-hmm.
- So, um...

Clothing allowance,
company car, um...

Okay, right, yes.
Uh, 10-minute break every hour.

Ah. Well, in the spirit of
Christmas, I'll give you five.

In the spirit of Christmas,
we'll take it.

There you go.

Yes! I just totally negotiated!

Well, we got to get back out.

There are lots of kids waiting,
hundreds of kids.

Oh, no. I'm exhausted.
I can't go through this no more.

- And their moms.
- Let's go.

Well, Boyd's crashed out.

Dad, why would you let him have
an enormous chocolate reindeer

an hour before dinner?

In my defense,
I thought that thing was hollow.

Kyle's here.

He brought a plant.

Hey, Mrs. B.
This is for you.

Oh, thank you, Kyle. That is
very thoughtful and special.

The gravy is congealing.
Let's eat.

Come on, everybody. Eat.
Who wants to say grace?

I will. Can I?

- Sure.
- Yeah, sure, honey.

- Well, that's quite a show.
- Wow. Isn't that ni--

- Very nice.
- Mandy's gonna say grace.

Okay.
All right. I like that.

- Hit it.
- Okay.

Go ahead.
Ready? Okay.

Dear lord, we are all so thankful

to be gathered here
on this special day.

And we're also thankful

for the longer holiday hours
at the mall...

For diet soda,

and... for my beautiful skin
and for making me so popular.

Okay, all right, all right,
all right, all right--

- Amen. That was...
- Amen.

Right from the heart.
That's nice.

Uh, anybody else
want to say anything?

Uh, actually,
I have something to say.

- Great.
- Okay. Go ahead, Kyle.

Kristin,
you are super important to me...

That's great.

And I-I don't want to ever lose you,

and that's why the following
thing is about to happen.

What? Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

Kristin Marie Baxter...

Whose middle name's Beth.

I know we've only known
each other a short time...

No.

Hang on. You don't know
where this is headed.

Will you marry me?

No.

Oh.

Um...

I don't know what I'm supposed to do,

'cause in my head,
we were already kissing.

You know, we should--
we should go outside and talk.

Just give us-- give us a minute?

Oh, my God.
I have got to see this.

This is gonna be so good, you know?

Like one of those
Spanish soap operas...

Where you can't understand
what they're saying,

but everything's
really desperate and sad.

Hey, can anybody but me go get that?

Hi, Mrs. Baxter.
This is for you.

Of course it is.

What, uh, what are you doing here?

I wanted to drop off
this Christmas gift for Boyd.

Who's at the door?

I'm gonna ask you something,
and, uh, it--it--

if it seems sarcastic,
it's not meant to be, but, uh,

do you have a death wish?

It's Christmas. I'm sure Mike
will be cool with me being here.

- Yeah.
- Hey, honey, where's my carving knife?

Uh, I...

I-I-I don't know, sweetheart.
H-hang on.

Uh, this might be a good time
to do what you do best--flee.

Uh, Kyle, can you put that away?

I just had to cancel
a balloon delivery.

Okay, look, look, I-I get--
I get what's going on,

but you shouldn't feel threatened

just because Ryan's back in town.

I shouldn't?

No. No, no, no, look,

I want him to be
a part of Boyd's life.

Okay?
Not my life, Boyd's life.

So what about us?

I like that
we're taking things slowly.

So keep the ring...

For now.

You know, I'd still like
a Christmas present, just...

You know, something
a little less life-changing.

I was gonna give this
coffee gift card to the mailman.

See? This--this is perfect.

They make smoothies, too.

Ohh. I think we have to
go back in there.

I'm a little embarrassed.

Oh...
No one's gonna remember.

The important thing

is that you are my boyfriend,
and nobody is taking your place.

Hey, Kris. What up?

Uh, uh, surprise.

Ryan's here?

And he's sitting in my chair.

And he's eaten all your porridge.

Honey? The knife was
out by the sharpener.

Yeah, I...

I'm gonna go get the first aid Kit.

Listen... what the hell?

You show up at my place
of worship, then my job,

now my house. What next?

Trunk of my car?
Might not be a bad idea.

I'm starting to feel uncomfortable.

This from the guy who spends
half the year in a codpiece.

Codpiece. That's funny.
How do you know about codpieces?

Look, you have no reason to
believe I'll do the right thing,

and if you tell me to leave now,
you won't ever see me again,

but I'm just asking
for a little compassion...

And maybe a little forgiveness.

Jeez.

"Forgiveness"--that word
keeps biting me in the ass.

Hey, dad, remember
the Christmas truce story?

What about it?

The one you tell every year

about the Germans and the French?

I'm not telling that.

It's German and the British,
by the way.

Okay, well, I'm gonna tell.
Everybody sit down.

Sit down.
Ryan, you sit over there.

Everybody sit down. Okay.

It was the winter of 1912.

1914.

1914...

In France.

Belgium.

- I'll--sit down. I'll tell the story.
- Okay.

It was, um, it was world war I--

uh, trench warfare between
the Germans and the British,

and it was particularly violent.
Thousands of men died.

It was horrible fighting,
but one Christmas,

these hated enemies decided
to, uh, exchange gifts,

stop shooting each other.

And, um, and they called it a...

A Christmas truce.

A lot of those soldiers had syphilis.

So are you offering me a truce,
Mr. Baxter?

Yes, I am.

So, dad...

Can he stay for dinner?

So I g-- I guess he can, yeah.

Cool.
Can I have a drumstick?

Right away you gotta push it.
Right away you push it.

I'll get a plate.

Remember, the truce
only lasted 24 hours.

Then they went back
to bayoneting each other.

Thank you, dad.

You're welcome.

I'm proud of you.

See, this is what
Christmas is all about.

So where's Boyd?

Oh. My dad gave him a chocolate
reindeer, and he crashed out.

Yeah, Mike, I'd really rather
he didn't have sugar.

All right, you gotta go.
Mike.

No, all right, all right,
I just--sit back down.

- Hey, here we are.
- Hello, everybody.
- Hey, Ed.

Congratulations, Kyle and Kristin.

May your love
grow stronger every year.

Ed, I texted you,
"kill the balloons."

Oh, that was you?

I was terrified.
I had no idea what it meant.

Sit down. Join us.
Come on, sit, sit, sit, sit.

♪ silent night ♪

♪ holy night ♪

♪ it was so holy ♪

♪ all is calm ♪

♪ all is bright ♪

♪ so calm and so bright ♪

♪ 'round yon virgin ♪

♪ mother and child ♪

♪ just the two of them ♪

♪ holy infant so ♪

♪ tender and mild ♪

♪ the baby was so tender
and so mild ♪

♪ sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ sleep in heavenly... ♪ come on.

♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪

♪ peace ♪

Yes.