Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - The Passion of the Mandy - full transcript

Wow. What are you working on again?

Oh. Geophysical survey.

I have that presentation.
I'm just, uh, going through

the calibration procedures
for a well bore.

You know,
when we got married,

I thought I was the smart one.

It's--it's not that funny.

Hey, guys. Okay, so you know
how I'm always saying

that I want to be a reality TV star?

Yes, with
zero positive reinforcement.

Well, I think I'm on my way!



Why? What happened?

There was a fire
in the chem lab at school!

Wow. Was anybody hurt?

Oh, no one important, but, um,
a TV news crew showed up,

and I got to be on camera

looking really, really sad like this.

Dad, look.

Oh, my God.

Wow, that's great...

Yeah.
That you're passionate

about somethin' that could, uh...

I got nothin'.

Hey, don't worry.
This won't change me.

What a relief.



You know, in the blink of an eye,

she's gonna be out of the house.

How is she gonna support herself?

Honey, I don't think
you have to worry.

She is never moving out.

Yeah. You know, sometimes I
wonder how we ended up with her.

Shall I remind you?

Moody Blues concert,
two bottles of Boone's Farm,

and you said...
"Let's take a bath."

Last Man Standing - S01E11
The Passion of the Mandy

Original air date
December 13, 2011

Well, I wasn't on the news,

and I had to watch
the whole thing to find out.

I am so sorry for you.

I'll never get
that time back.

That's great, but could you
tone it down just a little bit?

Is this about last week?

Look, I was just being enthusiastic.

"Hey, cork-for-brains,
the ball was out!"

It was all in good fun, honey.

Dad, the ref ran
off the field in tears.

Well, to--in my defense,
for a dude to cry that quick,

there's something else going on.

Morning, Mr. B.
Here's your paper.

Hey, Kyle. It's awful early
for you to be so happy

in a house you don't live in.

He stopped by to take
me and Boyd to breakfast.

Yeah, I'd take Kristin out
more often, but I, uh--

ahem. I don't earn enough.

Well, maybe because you don't--
ahem, do enough.

So how's my big boy?

Well, somebody taught him
how to say "boobies."

Wh-what? That's outrageous.

You ready to go?

- Yeah.
- All right.

Oh, hey. Can you guys give me
a ride to the mall?

What? I mean school.

Why would I say "mall"?
I'm not going there.

We're out of milk.

I got milk,
three different kinds of milk.

Who needs milk?
'Cause I got it.

I wondered where you went.

Well, somebody has to do
the grocery shopping.

And that someone would be
me right now.

Honey, you buy the wrong things.

I mean, who needs eight
different kinds of bacon?

Eve, sweetie, you want
to bring down your laundry?

I can throw a load in
before I go to work.

I'll do the laundry.

I don't like the way
you fold the clothes.

Rolling clothes
takes up a lot less space.

Ask anybody on a submarine.

I appreciate everything
you're doing to help,

but even with this new promotion
and this extra work,

I can still take care of my family.

Oh, my God.
It's 7:40 microwave time.

I am so late!

Why are you in such a hurry?
You're a geologist.

It's not like the rocks
are going anywhere.

I was up all night working
on this presentation.

I'm just--I'm exhausted.

I haven't had a chance
to look over these notes,

but that's okay.
I can do it in the shower.

I'll just put 'em up
against the glass,

and I--and I'll shave
my legs in the car.

No, you know what? Forget it.
I'll just wear pants. Yeah.

- That's fine. That's what I'm gonna do.
- Baby, baby. Calm.

- Relax a little bit.
- I can't.

I know this promotion's put
a lot of pressure on you,

but you gotta let it go
here at home...

And...
You gotta shave them sticks.

Are they that bad?

It's like sleeping
with a Christmas tree.

Hey. Morning, guys.
Morning, Ed.

You're here awful early.

Mike, part of me is dying.

Didn't I tell you?
Just have that thing removed.

I'm not talking about that,

which, by the way, fell off
on its own, you know?

I'm talking about
Murphy's barbershop.

It's closing down.

That's terrible, Ed.

But I gotta say,
it's not a big surprise.

Oh? I'm surprised.
It was--it was doing

- a solid business.
- Solid business?

You remember the last time
you and I went there?

Should we come back?

We should see if he's breathing.

Well, maybe you're right.

The crowds have been thinning
the past couple of years.

Speaking of thinning--

don't go there, Mike, all right?

I know it's terrible, man.
It's like your man cave.

Everybody needs one.

Uh, morning, Ed.

Hi. The rug guy is here
to clean the animal heads.

Hey, Kyle.
Do you have a man cave?

My van.

The one place where people
aren't all up in my business.

You have no idea how tiring it is.

"Kyle, do this." "Kyle, do that."

"Kyle, for God sake,
get your act together!"

I don't do that.

Your daughter does.

Well, good luck with that, Kyle!

And now in a moment,

we'll hear from Vanessa and her team,

but first let's review
the field studies

from the previous year.

As we all know,

the results were disappointing
in the first calendar year,

but by implementing
the new Geo software,

we discovered that the soil samples

in areas two, five, and seven
were very promising.

That's the good news. However,
statistically speaking...

There may be
diminishing returns

in continuing to exploit the reserves

in the upper basin area...

Perhaps we'll take a short break.

Hi. Mike Baxter here.

One of the most overlooked aspects

of a successful hunting trip
is proper camouflage.

Now I got two guys back here

in two different kinds of camouflage.

With that background, which guy
is gonna surprise the deer?

See ya, Sid.

But deer have a sense of smell, too.

That's why it's important
to coat that camouflage

with spray...

Deer urine.

Spray it on there--

I asked you to shut your eyes.
Did you shut your eyes?

I told you to shut your eyes.

- Hey.
- Hi, dad.

Hey, Mandy.
Why don't we take five?

Take him downstairs
and wash his eyes out.

That stuff will burn
the skin off a snake!

Hey. What's up?

I think there's something
wrong with my car.

- What's it doing?
- Um, there's this sound,

and then another sound,
followed by a third sound.

Well... that certainly
narrows it down.

- Come take a look for me?
- Yeah, let me get my jacket.

Okay.
Hold on.

Try to describe the sound you heard.

Okay, first it's, like, a...

Chicka, chicka, chicka!

Bing!

And then sort of a...

Thoonk-thoonk,
thoonk-thoonk, thoonk-thoonk,

thoonk-thoonk!

And then, like, a...

Fuh-thoomp, fuh-thoomp!

Oh, now I know what it is.

Murphy's barbershop?
I know this place.

It's right next
to my favorite shoe store.

Yeah, it's Ed's favorite hangout,

and I think they're gonna
go out of business,

so what I'm doing is looking
at a little marketing campaign

to see if I can't save it.

I haven't told Ed about it,
'cause I don't want

to get his hopes up.

Which is what?

It's this web site
where my friends go

to ironically diss on new hangouts.

Okay. Um... here.

Tell me, like,
three things about Murphy's.

It's dark.

Okay. You mean, "Vintage atmosphere."

It's dated.

Um, "Authentic vibe."

It smells like old men.

"Musty chic."

Nice spin.
You got a knack for this.

You know, this is what
I do for a living.

You trick people into buying things?

We call it "marketing."

Oh, and then we had
this conference call

with the barber dude,
and dad referred to me

as his "associate,"
like I was a lawyer

or even an attorney.

Mandy, a lawyer is an attorney.

Excuse me. Were you there?

Hey, guys, I didn't see
mom's car outside.

Is she working late again?

Mom? What is this "mom"
of whom you speak?

You know, a-as a career woman,
I completely understand

our mother's need to fulfill
herself professionally.

You never cease to never amaze me.

Um, Eve...

Are you wearing a dress?

So?

So you never wear dresses.

That is not true.

You wore overalls
to your christening.

It's no biggie.

I'm just going to Victor Blake's
house to do homework.

Oh, my God.
Would you bring mine?

Aw. Is this, like, a date?

- It's not a date.
- Oh, my God.

Do you want me
to do your makeup?

- You mean like your makeup?
- Yeah.

No.

- Hey, dad.
- Hey, girls.

- Hey, dad.
- Hi.

Hey, Eve.
Are you wearing a dress?

Not anymore!

Come on. Come on.
Let me do your hair.

Good job today.

Right back at ya.

I was thinking, how would you like

to turn this work thing
into an internship?

An internship?

Yeah, no pressure.

It just might help you get
into a career choice.

Would I be around wealthy men?

I don't know, Mandy.

Hey, babe. Great day.

There's a chance
Mandy may actually turn out

to be self-sufficient.

Who?

Mandy-- middle daughter, big laugh?

Oh, yeah. Her. Yeah.

Didn't go so well?

Um...

Well, I-I-- I'll, uh, I'll j--

I'll just start with the good part.

Um...

I fell asleep at the meeting

and, uh, toppled out of my chair.

Oh. Sorry. That's--
that sounds terrible.

Yeah.

Go on.

Well, I...

I-I was lying there
very self-conscious,

and I--and I thought,

they won't laugh at me
if they think I'm dying...

So I, um, I-I sort of...

Pretended I was having
a heart attack.

Heart attack, like, uh, with the--

yeah, you know, I-I twitched.
I-I clutched my arm.

I-I, uh, I attempted that--

the--the bubbly thing with my mouth.

And they believed this?

Well, I...

No. Guys, no.
A-actually, I'm okay.

I'm okay. Would--just...
Can you just unstrap me?

So you go to the hospital
and nobody calls me?

No, I pretended.
I-I pretended to call you.

I did. I-I--the whole thing.
Everything. A big lie.

Mike, my boss saw me

in a paper gown from behind.

You know why this happened?

Because he walked right
in the room without knocking.

I'm talking about
falling asleep at work.

You're trying to do too much, babe.

I-I don't want the girls
to feel neglected. I-I--

I'mhere. I'm telling you
I'll help out.

You won't let me...

So now you're faking
heart attacks at work?

I know. I know. I-I--

it is so wrong to lie
about a health issue.

I have never been
more ashamed in my life.

Hey, mom.

- Why is your car still running outside?
- Ohh.

Because I had a heart attack!

♪♪♪

Can you believe it?

No, I can't.

I've never seen more
than zero people in here.

Dad, this is because
of my ideas!

I love marketing!

I bet.

- Look, we're talking business.
- I know!

And I haven't thought about

the Kardashians for hours.

Yo, peeps.

Kyle?

I got a tweet about this place,
thought I'd check it out.

What about work?

It's my lunch hour.

I never gave Murphy's much notice,

but this place is really great.

Everyone is so unfriendly.

Watch. Hey.
What's up, dude? Man?

See?

Hello. Mike Baxter's office.
Can I help you?

No, honey. That's--
that's just when people call.

Oh.

Uh, where's dad?

Uh, he's working on my car.

Can you leave him a message, please?

- Yeah, sure.
- All right.

Tell him I'm leaving-- leaving early

because I'm too upset to work.

- Oh.
- All right?

Some jack-wang has started
an Internet campaign

and ruined my barbershop.

Uh, ruined?
I-I heard it was packed.

Yes, by pretentious kids

with little hats
and complicated coffee drinks.

And... that's bad?

It's terrible!

I'd rather the place be turned
into a fat lady gym

than that-- that hipster freak show.

Now whichever idiot did that
should be hanged

in a public square!

"Signed, Ed."

Well, I figured it out.
It's a loose fan belt, so...

Can I get my new associate
a cup of coffee?

I hate marketing!

Or tea?

Wow. Something smells good.

Yeah. Remember that deer
I bagged on the opening day

of hunting season?

You mean the one you hit
with your truck?

Look, girlfriend, a kill is a kill.

Ground it up.
A little barbecue sauce,

special seasoning-- sloppy does.

- Can I help?
- Uh, no, I'm good.

Oh, okay. Well, let me just,
uh, put in a load of laundry.

Oh, already cleaned,
dried, and rolled,

but you know what you can do

is get some croutons
or walnuts for the salad.

I don't know where
you put 'em in the...

Okay.

Hey, dad.

Thank you for giving Boyd his bath.

You bet. Here's his milk.

- He probably won't need it.
- Thank you.

He downed about a gallon
of bathwater.

You know, I thought
with mom working more

that this whole place
would fall apart,

but it's almost like
nobody's even noticed.

I don't think she meant it that way.

What did she mean?

Uh, things aren't going
that smoothly.

They look like this,
but I didn't even get

enough root vegetables for the salad.

How humiliating.

Honey, come on.

Babe, I've done this for two days.

You do this all the time.

I just...

I feel replaceable.

Baby.

Hey, Eve.
Dinner's almost ready.

Eve?

Honey, I need my nuts.

What's up, bug?

It's no big deal.

Well, if it's no big deal,
why don't you tell me?

I was at Victor Blake's house,

and we were doing our homework

and some of Mandy's...

And then he brought up

the winter school dance.

Hey, that's exciting...

Or terrible.

He wanted to know my opinion

on what girl he should ask.

Oh, sweetie.

The thing about Victor Blake is...

He's...

Boys--boys are just...

Oh, he's a dumb-ass.

I can't believe I put
on a stupid dress for that guy.

Oh, I know.

I know.

Please don't tell dad.

He's gonna be all...
Dad about it.

I promise.

But I'm glad you're being
all mom about it.

Mm.

Do you think
I'll ever like another boy?

There are gonna be lots
and lots of boys, I promise,

and they're all gonna be
equally disappointing.

Look at that, Mandy.

Rolled--far better than folded.

Oh, my God.

Ryan Gosling seen
at a popular Hollywood eatery

with his shirt off.

Could you stay off
the Internet for a minute?

Oh, my God. Pippa,
you are so much better

than that hat, girl.

Can't you live
in this world for a second?

- Yeah.
- Listen to me.

You're smart and you're creative,

but that doesn't mean
people are gonna like

every idea you come up with.

That's why it isn't worth it.

Listen, if you run from
every criticism...

You're gonna
be living here a long time.

Hey, Ed.

Hey, Mike. Yeah, I was, uh,
driving around town

looking for a new man cave,
and I actually found--

I actually found a bar
called "The Man Cave."

Uh, Ed, that's a--

yeah, I know that now, Mike.

I got your message.
Is your daughter home?

Amanda, you have a gentleman caller.

Oh. Hello, Mr. Alzate.

Mandy, ahem, I understand,
uh, you were the brains

behind the transformation
of my barbershop.

Yeah. I'm so sorry.

No. I'm sorry.

You see, there's two things I hate,

and that's change
and hipsters, you know?

Put 'em both together, and it's
like a hot coal in my trunks.

- Ed.
- I'm sorry.

Boxer briefs.

What I'm trying to say is,

I know you were trying to help,

you see, so as a token of contrition,

please accept this...
This premium dessert wine.

It's from--

it's from my family's vineyard
in the basque country,

where my ancestors have worked
the grape for centuries.

Ed, she's 17.

That's all right.
It's basically undrinkable.

- So just...
- Oh, thank you.

I-I forgive you, Mr. Alzate.

Thank you.

Um, and I will keep
this wine until I turn 21...

Mm.

At which time I will savor

my very first taste
of any alcoholic beverage.

That's as far as we go with that.

Okay.

How about coming by work tomorrow

and let's try this again?

You know, I'm a little burned-out.

You were there three hours.

I know. It was exhausting,
but I don't know.

It was kinda cool to think of ideas

and then make them happen.

I-I could maybe see myself
doing that someday.

- Really?
- Yeah, I mean, I'd need

a much bigger office...
Of course.

Thanks for believing in me, hmm?

Ah, look at this.

Father and daughter reconnecting
while another man looks on.

All righty.

Boy, oh, boy. I am exhausted.

Mm.

Welcome to my world.

Mm.

Would you give
me a massage later?

And it doesn't even have
to lead to anything, you know?

You really are tired.

Ohh.

I'm so glad you were here
to handle this thing with Eve.

I don't think I could have done that.

Well, what would you have done?

I would have pushed that kid's bike

down a storm drain.

Well, that's one way.

Here's to my irreplaceable wife.

Let's take a shot at Ed's wine.
How bad could it be, huh?

Mm. (Chuckles)

Mm.

Goes in nice.

Ohh. Ah.

It kinda--kinda has a-a... burn.

It's, uh... oh, God.

It's, uh...

I kinda like it.