LOL: Last One Laughing Netherlands (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

A psycho came up with this.

Ten comedians not laughing,
but they have to make each other laugh.

I think that's pretty funny.

What's this supposed to be?

Can you blow me

A kiss, honey?

I thought it was more sad than funny.

Well, I'm horny as hell.

-Two willies in your hands.
-Sure.

-I saw it.
-Henry van Loon.

-Willies in your hands, Rayen.
-Absolutely.



That was actual laughter.

I know it wasn't me.

But who was it?

Finally.

The buzzer went off.
Something is finally happening.

-What's that?
-The game paused.

I thought, "Shit, it might've been me."

-Did someone laugh?
-Yes, who?

At one point, the buzzer went off. Red.

You?

Fool.

Who laughed?

Was it me?

Guys.



Took a while, but we have our first laugh.

Roué, you disappoint me.
Are you going through depression or...

Did you bet money on me?

He bet money on me. Roué.

-We will see who laughed first.
-Okay.

-Oh!
-Oh, gosh.

Painful.

What's this?

Henry wouldn't stop talking.
He knows I find it hard.

That's why I walked away,
but he kept following me.

I even made a noise. That was silly of me.

I heard myself laugh.

Your first warning, but you know now.

You have to be careful.

Shit. First warning.
Thanks to Henry van Loon.

That was expected.

It took longer than expected, right?

Not bad.

-You want to press the green button?
-Can I press the pink one?

-Okay, here we go.
-Here we go again.

Everybody is eating fruit.

Promoting a healthy lifestyle
instead of laughing.

If I have to stay this grumpy,
I'll get a bit bitchy.

You're a bit touchy.

-Do you notice that?
-I don't notice any difference.

No difference?

Soundos has been pregnant for a while.

You notice that it does something to her.

I think she's completely unstable.

Can you step out of my aura?

-It's making me claustrophobic.
-That's one big aura.

If anybody will get violent,
it will be Soundos.

I find Soundos to be quite intimidating.

Yes, me too.

Contemplating your sins?

No, just random things.

Right.

I keep thinking about my ex-girlfriend.

I have no "x."

-Good.
-My wife has no "x."

-"Act"?
-"X."

-Your wife has no ex?
-And neither do I.

Keep it that way.

We have exes, but not an "x."

I don't get it. I really don't.

I used words like "ex," " x,"
"act," "acts."

I did that intentionally.

We don't have "x's," but we have exes.

-With an "s"?
-An ex, but no "x."

And he was like... He says,
"I don't understand it at all."

Okay.

I need to think about this.

Me too.

It's been a long time
since I haven't understood something.

I thought, "If I keep this up,
something might happen." But no.

Now it's going to happen.

Every act is exciting.

Every time I hear the gong,
I think, "Who is it"?

It was Ruben.

My thought was to build it up slowly.

To start with a fun, simple act.

To get people to chuckle.

That's oil, right? Or wine?

Ruben suddenly had a pan.

So you're thinking, "Is he going to cook?"

I think he's started already.

He's making popcorn.

Is Ruben also pregnant?

Why is everyone pregnant?

He imitates Stefano
better than Stefano himself.

Funny you mention that,
because I also think

I usually do it better
than Stefano himself.

Oh, yes.

In the world of YouTube,
this is called a prank.

Or a challenge.

In the world of YouPorn,
this is called putting seed in a pan.

They can easily edit this,
so that works in our favor.

They can make
a director's cut, extended edition,

for the real fans.

I want this whole act
for my personal showreel.

-"Director's cat."
-Oh, yes.

"Director's cat." Get it?

Classic Henry van Loon.

Using his surroundings for a pun.

I never do wordplay.
I don't like them. It's not funny.

And now, I'm looking for ways
to make puns in a panic.

I'm making puns all of a sudden. Why?

Yes.

I do find this...

It's turning me on.

Me too.

I'm just a tall, pregnant woman
shouting random things.

It makes people think,
"You're someone's mother.

There is a baby inside of you.
Shouldn't you be tender and endearing?"

No. I'm hard as nails.

And turned on.

-Wow, guys.
-Well.

What Ruben is doing is true art.

It's enough to graduate
from any Dutch art academy.

Oh, yes.

-I loved it.
-Cool.

Sorry. I would find this funny
if I saw it live.

I expected more volume.

Just blame it on the technology.

Yes, you've got a point there.
I shouldn't do that.

I thought it was highly original.

-Yes.
-Popcorn, anyone?

I think I should've gone for

a different kind of act.

Not necessarily funnier, but much grander.

It was the best act so far.

It was minimal.

You can't help but miss the laughter.

-Taste.
-Is it salty?

Are they good?

-Really?
-Hot?

-Do they taste like feet?
-Tasty.

-Oh.
-No.

Can I have my own bowl?

Eating with your mouth open?

-A little bit?
-Yes, in school they called me a camel.

I really was like...

I couldn't play outside during recess

because eating took me so long.

-Chewing.
-Yes.

-Good.
-I won't take these off yet.

-Nice.
-Delicious popcorn.

I was really impressed.
Real tasty. Delicious.

Exactly what you want to eat now.

-It's really good.
-Thank you.

You make it at home?

Did Nienke just put on fake nipples?

She didn't want her shoes to be
the most conspicuous part of her outfit.

How are you?

Good, just hot.

I can imagine. Can't you take it off?

If I take it off,
it won't be funny anymore.

-Think so?
-No...

-Okay.
-I'll explain.

I'm trying to...

I will undress in the ambulance.

-That's the plan.
-Yes.

I feel like I've spent
half my life in this house.

But we're not even halfway.

This is much harder
than I could have ever imagined.

-What's this?
-A surprise, Jeroom.

Who are these people?

Philippe and Jeroom
really want to make us laugh.

When I saw people in Irish costumes,
I thought, "Oh, no, here we go."

When those elves came,
I thought, "Who are these people?"

I thought I was hallucinating.
Who spiked my drink?

We're Leprechauns of Laughter.

We're looking for gold. Comedy gold.

And you'll all participate.

-Join us.
-They're up to something.

But they said,
"No, you're going to do something."

No, thank you.

I find it so hard not to laugh about that.

Things that are absolutely terrible
are funnier than brilliant things.

Let's learn the steps.

And if you're near the pot of gold
when the music stops,

you must read a joke out loud.

Let's start.

Right, two, three, jump.
Left, two, three, jump.

Right, two, three, jump. Left, two, three.

And right, two, three and left,
two, three. Faster, come on.

Dancing is fun,
but it's quite hot in the house,

and I quickly realized that my stamina

has plummeted enormously.

Bas gets to tell the joke.

"How does the man
on the moon cut his hair?

"Eclipse it."

I can't take it any longer.

When we stopped,
he couldn't even stand still.

He was wobbling.

I looked over, and sweat gushed off him.

"You saw nothing, Ruben. Keep walking.

"Nothing to laugh about."

Ruben is struggling.

Look...

Keep going!

Very good.

And smile, Nienke.

I struggled when they said,

"You better smile."

I thought, "You're right..."

"The difference between a skillet
and asking celebs questions?

"A frying pan and a prying fan."

We know what this means. A new dance.

You devious dorks.

With your tap dancing shoes.
I'll make you eat them all.

We start by lifting the right leg.

And we'll go, hop, two, three.

And jump, two, three and jump, two, three.

Yes, jump, two, three, Music, two, three.

Go on, two, three, and knees up high.

Come on, stretch those legs.

I'm running out of breath. I'm dying here.

Tap your buttocks.

Stefano. Your turn.

Wesley Snipes was having a tough time.
He was sweating.

He is sweating.

Chop-chop.

"My...

"brother's arm

"is in a sling.

"He said, 'I can't write with my left.'

"I said, 'It's even harder to left...'"

And here we go again.

Look at your fellow dancers. For fun.

That's it, Rayen.

"My Android is smoking hot.
It's like an Andryer."

-I get it.
-Let's continue.

-Yes.
-Yes, that's...

-Very clear.
-Very clear.

Yes.

Suddenly...

Alarm goes off. Someone laughed.

You laughed.

You three.

This was obvious.

What was that?

-Yes, I...
-I'm sorry.

Finally. I made someone laugh.

Exactly how I wanted it.

Using my own suffering and discomfort.

I looked next to me and he...

He was gushing with sweat.

Who could it be?

-Let's have a look.
-Well.

We have to see it.

Again.

We can't see you. Stand with Henkie.

This is laughing?

Look at him!

It was a violation because I lost it.

Ruben, please.

-That was it?
-Yes.

Very cute.

-In the trash can.
-This is not okay.

-Good luck.
-Thank you.

-Bye, Philippe.
-Bye.

-Say hi to Jeroom.
-I will.

I guess we need to give Stefano
some more exercise.

I'm very happy with this.

This suit and the sweat were not in vain.

Nien, you're on a roll.
You're doing great.

It's not too hard.

But you've been struggling
after Geubels popped by.

You think you can relax, but you can't.

You can't relax. Keep your anus
and coochie tight at all times.

As long as you do that...

I think he's going to do
an experimental dance.

Henry walked in as a...

What was it?

I thought I'd start with a small act

that's off the stage.

I saw Henry walk by in a flash
and thought, "Don't look."

I instantly wanted to laugh.

I was planning on using this device
because this always works.

I do this at birthdays and weddings.

It makes everyone laugh.

This will definitely work.

My wife does that every day
when we make love.

Henry in leggings.

Once we start doing things like that,

who knows where it will end.

Bas, pull it straight?

Of course I can help.

-How do you want it? Straight?
-Yes.

I think you look amazing.

What is that guy doing?

Wait...

I thought that Henry
had given up too soon.

If he had been like, "Oh, my balls..."

And continued his act
like he usually does...

I think he could've taken out
three or four people.

I think.

Seems like all of you
went to the art academy.

It had no effect on me.
Dry, drier, driest.

It curled up into itself.

-Yes.
-Yes.

In 20 years, I will be walking like that.

Naked men don't bother me.

-Well.
-Yes.

This game is so intense that it made
a vein pop in my eye spontaneously.

It looks disgusting, but it shows

the extreme conditions that we're in.

Nienke. I think your piercings
are infected.

That's not good.

You've put in the wrong rings.

They're buttons.

-Those double ones.
-You see it at once.

Can you blow me?

Can you blow me?

In an alley

I saw that everyone was on full alert
and ready to attack.

So I figured that I had to do something.

I decided to attack as well,
but that was partially driven by panic.

So I did my next act.

My daughter gave me this bag.

She said to me, "Mom, unpack the bag
when you're on the show.

"And share what's in it
with your esteemed colleagues

"and Ruben."

-Let's see.
-You offend someone once.

-And this happens.
-Yes.

This is sweet. "Dear Mama,

"I think it's great
you're on a show where you can't laugh,

"and I fully understand
that it's more important than raising me.

"I miss you whenever you are on tour

"or working late on a TV show.

"But luckily, I can see you online,

"so I don't have to miss you."

Can you relate?

-Sorry, I was...
-Can you relate?

-I...
-Just listen.

Her kids are also always online.

-So it's okay.
-What was that?

He said, "Her kids
are also always online."

-Okay.
-"So it's okay."

He said afterwards.

-Prem?
-Thanks for this useless information.

"Don't worry, Mom.
I'll help you this time.

"Take the first gag from the bag."

Let's see. First gag. I have a gag.

Two tits in a bag.

She has... Oh, my God, She has issues.

She really put two tits in a bag.

The gag was two tits in a bag.

Funny.
There really were two tits in a bag.

Yes...

Hold on. What was the gag?

Two tits in a bag.

Oh.

I'm doing an act, nobody laughs.

I was hoping Henry would laugh.

Nothing. Just nothing.

Gross.

The worst thing
for a comedian is being on stage

and getting no laughs.

We actually call it "dying."

Yes, that was actual laughter.

-It was shy, but...
-It was a laugh.

-Look. She...
-Who laughed?

-Who?
-I didn't see it.

The buzzer went off again.
It's going quickly now.

Everyone is in doubt
and wondering who it was.

It could be me. It's me.

I don't know.

Me neither.

-Ruben?
-I hope not me.

-Hope so too.
-Damn.

"Did I laugh? No, right?"

"How long have I been here?"

Oh, no.

That hand movement.

-Do you know...
-Who?

-No.
-No.

-Really?
-Yes...

This one was strictly ruled,
but you are so good...

-Right?
-We have to be strict.

We're good though.

-Let's see, shall we?
-Yes.

It was me?

-Tineke!
-Yes.

-It was indeed a shy laugh.
-Very shy.

I don't even know why I laughed.
It was just a "ha" moment.

But...

-Were you aware of it happening?
-To be honest, yes.

I smiled and thought,
"That's not allowed."

It was clearly a friendly smile.

You could see it clearly.

But it's not allowed.

You get to press the button.

That's cute.

A spitting image.

I would advise you to let it all out

before I press the green button again.

One "ha" and you lose a life.

I feel like she didn't agree
with the ruling.

Yes. But we have to be strict, right?

Or else we'll be stuck here.

That's too bad. Now I can't laugh at all.

Damn it.

We've had three laughs in two hours.

It's like we're watching
Alex's theater show.

We should restart the game
and get the man with the most STDs

to push the button.

-Focus.
-I'm avoiding you too, Bas.

Yes.

What am I doing now?

What am I doing now?

You're sweating.

-Oh.
-The gong.

Something's about to happen.

Curtain opens and I see Alex.

I use the same strategy.

Just wait and see what happens.

I've deliberated for a long time
about how I'm going to do this.

Should I work with a stunt nipple?
Should I make prosthetics?

I thought long and hard.

But in the end, I went with authenticity.

Because it's important.
These are my own nipples.

Ruben's having a hard time.

I did feel slightly violated
by those two nipples.

Because that act was filthy.

I see him go like this.
I hear the sound. Okay, I can take this.

I know those nipples from the petting zoo.

I go closer.

And while I sit there, Alex misses a beat.
I said to myself, "Get out of there."

They're all struggling,

because I haven't seen them this quiet.

For the first time,
I'm having a really hard time.

So incredibly funny. Fucking Alex.

-Rayen...
-Rayen...

Ruben...

-Roué...
-Roué...

Roué is having a hard time too.

This is the first time
I feel like I'm in danger.

And those were his actual nipples.

It's a bummer
I haven't been able to outplay anyone.

They were too far away from me.

How appropriate is it these days
to chase someone around

while stroking your nipples?

Those days are behind me.
I'm done with that.

What is Tineke doing right now?

Tineke, don't do it.
There is still so much to live for.

-Bas, chocolate?
-No, thanks.

-Stefano?
-I've had some.

-Ask Tineke.
-Tineke, chocolate? Oh, your shirt.

-Oh, yuck.
-It's chocolate, not poop.

-No.
-Not yet.

-Not yet.
-But I will turn it into that.

After eating this chocolate,
it'll be shit.

I believe in a world of white chocolate...

Nice.

-Part of the act.
-It was a nice act.

-Thanks, guys.
-It was cool.

-I would be proud of it.
-Yes.

-I almost wanted to do the same.
-The team has been working hard.

-Too bad, though.
-Great.

Here, finish your outfit.

-That's right.
-Oh, yeah.

That's cute.

No perspiration, please.
I have to wear it tomorrow.

Ruben put my shirt on, so...

It looked nice.

Probably wasn't his first time
in women's clothes.

You keep trying,
but we won't be fooled by that.

You're bald. Accept it.

Talking about phantom pain...

-Headache?
-I know what that is. I have phantom hair.

I think it's all a bit too easy in there.

Time to play an extra wild card.

Because we have something
in common with Josef Fritzl.

A secret in the cellar.

AWESOME
BASEMENT

-Will you ring?
-I'm ringing the cellar.

Answer it.

-Hello?
-Hello, guys in the cellar.

Could you send someone up, please?

Absolutely. Right now?

-Okay. Now is fine. Thanks.
-Okay, that's fine.

-What do you think? You guys.
-I think...

-Polygraph?
-Let's do a polygraph first.

Ready? Let's go, boys. You've got this.

There. Now we'll have them.

Okay. Our surprise act
from the cellar is ready to go.

Almost.

Oh, my God, I...

Is it the gong, or is it...

-Hey. Qucee.
-Hello.

Hey!

-Hello.
-Hey!

Qucee walks in,
and he is just such a nice guy.

He has a very contagious laugh.

-My name is Felix.
-Hey, Felix.

He watches too much "Netfelix."

-Who are you?
-I'm Qucee.

Qucee is so funny.

Witty and a good sense
of self-deprecating humor.

Nothing can touch him, and he's a pistol.

We've been watching you,

and we've seen you faking it.

There's a lot of funny stuff going on,
but you won't laugh.

True.

That's why we're offering you
a high-tech lie detector.

-We're gonna hook you up.
-Question is who?

-Who?
-Do you have a preference, Q?

-Nienke maybe?
-Yeah.

-Me?
-I think Nienke.

Yes.

-Where should I sit?
-Here.

-Here's your high-tech helmet.
-Look.

He was looking for a volunteer,

and I was avoiding eye contact,
thinking, "Not me."

Luckily, he asked Nienke.

-Are you nervous?
-No.

-No?
-No? Me neither.

-Sure, I see that.
-Right?

-You're shaking.
-Yeah, look.

-You can sit closer.
-Can I...

-Come closer. Let's make it cozy.
-Cozy.

-You haven't laughed for so long.
-Don't fall.

Qucee. "Casey."

What kind of name is that? Qucee.

His name is probably
just Dirk or something.

Is your career going well?

-I guess so. Obviously, yes.
-Yes?

-It's red.
-I can't see it.

So it's not great?

You can ask Qucee. He presses the button.

-He's that guy again.
-I'm a detective.

Sherlock.

Yeah, right?

Rayen was like a boy in the fourth grade.

Yeah, of course we know
that it's not real. But, hey...

Have you ever been stuck
at Bas Hoeflaak junction?

No idea.

-What? "Bas Hoevelaken"?
-Again?

At Bas Hoeflaak junction.

What's that?

We like our own joke.

I don't get it.

Hoevelaken is a town.

You guys, I have a question for you.

So anyway...

-Okay. Now pay attention.
-Yes, I'm totally focused.

I need to prepare.

What's a vegan snack

attracted to the same sex?

A "hummusexual."

Ruben.

-Really, nobody?
-"Hummusexual"?

-I get it.
-You're laughing the hardest.

-That's funny.
-It's dangerous

if somebody in the house can laugh.

Especially when it's a contagious laugh.

When you see someone laugh,

you immediately want to join in... Oh, no.

Nobody likes it?

-I do.
-Yes. It's super.

But you just can't laugh.

Jeroom, that's two of them.

We're leaving.

What the fuck? This means someone laughed.

The alarm goes off, and for the first time

it might have been me.

I'm slipping. I'm starting to get tired.

Somebody pushed the red button.

And this time I'm scared.

It's making me panic.

What are you doing? Fuck.

I don't like this.

-Rayen Panday, are you a Veggie Smiler?
-No.

I'm a man with a long arm. This one.

We're a few hours in, so I decided

to tighten the screws face to face.