Kung Fu Panda: The Paws of Destiny (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Blade of the Red Phoenix - full transcript

Po and the kids are recruited to perform in Mei Mei's theatrical show, but things take a turn when Jindiao ruins the play in order to find a mystical scroll.

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[TITLE MUSIC]

1x03 - Blade of the Red Phoenix

[MOANS]

Huh?

What? Aah!

[GASPS] Woah!

[LAUGHS] Whoo!

Yeah!
[LAUGHING IN JOY]

Huzzah!

Woo-hoo! Woah! Yeah!

Oh, jeez!



[SNARLS]

[GASPS]

[SCREAMING]

[BOTH SNARLING]

[PO SCREAMING]

[MOANS]

OOGWAY: Oh! Hello, Po.

Ah!

I've been meaning
to get a hold of you.

PO: What was with
those dragons up there?

OOGWAY: Dragons don't always get along.

Okay. I feel like there's
more to it than that.

Oh! There is. But
you'll learn that in time.

I can't help but wonder
why you haven't visited



the Temple of the Four
Constellations yet.

What's in the temple?
Something cool?

There is a great
evil coming, Po.

If it is not stopped, it will
mean the end of all we hold dear.

Woah, woah! What's that
supposed to mean? [SNARLS]

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

- This is the entrance, huh?
- What are you asking me for, chief?

You got that sweet map I drew.

Mm?
Mm.

PO: Huh!

So how did you get the cave
to open before?

Easy. We ruined a priceless
Panda Village landmark...

and it crashed through the rock.

Yeah. There's gotta be
better options than that.

Hmm. Let me try something.

[LAUGHS IN AMUSEMENT]

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

Hiyah!

Huh!

Open sesame!

Open sesam-chi!
Ow!

Knock-knock. Who's there?

Open! Skadoosh!

[YELLS]

[OUT OF BREATH] Okay, I'm done.

If you kids got any ideas,
go for it.

NU HAI: Okay, you guys,
there's gotta be a button

or a lever
or something like that.

Fan out,
see if you can find anything.

[FAN TONG GASPS]

[ALL GASP]

[GASPS]

- We're so cool!
- Hmm.

Yeah, well, I probably warmed
it up for you. I mean...

A little seasoning on it,
you know what I mean?

[ALL EXCLAIMING]
Whoa!

BAO: Pretty sick, huh,
Master Po? [LAUGHS]

This is cray-cray.

This is exactly like
the Jade Palace...

except, you know, full of mold,
and dust, and...

Are those bones?

[CHUCKLES] Anyway,
it's pretty spectacular. Whaa...

Was that pedestal-box-situation
here before?

Nah, bruh. That's new.

Woah!

NU HAI: [EXCLAIMING]
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Master Po, unroll it!

I can't take it anymore,
I gotta know what's inside!

Woah!

[GASPS]

[SCREAMS] Aha!

Man, I'm awesome!

Got it!

- Lost it.
- Over there!

Did you guys see...

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

Now, listen, you deer vampire
whatever-your-deal-is...

I can't let you
leave with that... Aah!

[STRAINING]

[GASPS] I'm coming, kids!

This is such a bad idea.

No, no, no!

[ALL SCREAM]

No!

Oh! Come on, guys,
I know you're there.

Nu Hai! Bao!
Are you there? Please!

Anyone? Somebody?

[SHOUTS] Answer me!

[PANTING AND SOBBING]

[RUMBLING]

BOTH: Huh?

[GASPS]

Wow!

BAO: Yo!
[LAUGHS]

Woah, woah, woah!
Why all the long faces?

I just saved everybody's
life in there with the power

- of my mighty chi.
- I know!

[LAUGHS] Pound it.

NU HAI: Ahem! Guys, are
we forgetting something?

We had that
scroll right in our paws!

And we lost it.

Oh, yeah.

At least we still have this though.

Whoa! You got the scroll?

- How?
- I traded with that mean deer lady

while she wasn't
paying attention.

Fan Tong, you're amazing!
What does it say?

It's...

- blank.
- Who the heck would go through all

the trouble of hiding a blank scroll

in a super-secret
underground ancient temple?

Wait. Fan Tong,
what did you trade her for?

[JINDIAO SNARLS IN FRUSTRATION]

Master, they must have
switched scrolls.

- Forgive me.
- If those kids have the scroll...

it could destroy everything
I've been working towards...

since I first took control
of this... body.

Since you've failed me so,
so miserably...

I'll have to send someone
a little bit stronger.

We must prepare to summon
the Yaoguai.

Oh, no, Po!
You're still banned from here.

- What, why?
- You made a huge mess last time.

You got duck sauce all
over the scrolls! Now out!

Hmm. Mm?
[GASPS]

- Hi, Dragon Master!
- Oh! Hey, Mei Mei.

How's it going
with the ribbon dance?

Okay, stop talking!
I have a proposition for you.

I'm putting on
this fun little, amazing...

life-changing
theatrical experience.

I'm always looking to book
guest stars and I thought

I'd ask if maybe you'd perhaps
think about being interested?

PO: [READING] "Definitely starring
Po, the Dragon Master."

- It's blank.
- Yeah, we kind of figured that

part out for ourselves, Grandma.

Hmm. Perhaps the text is hidden.

The old Kung Fu masters, had
methods of concealing their

most important messages that
nobody even knows anymore.

I'll hold onto
this for safe-keeping.

Give me!

[BOTH STRUGGLING]

Sorry. Got a little carried away.

Ow!

[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]

[GASPS]
"I see the, the light."

[CRYING]

Uh... Everything okay, son?

Uh... This is a preview of
her one-panda show. I hope?

[MEI MEI CRYING]

[COUGHS]

So that's the end
of the first scene!

Then I quickly run offstage,
and then I change hats.

Oh, children!
I'm so happy you're here.

Your Master Po is very excited
to be performing with me on stage!

I haven't actually agreed
to do anything for you.

Aw, son! That's great.

[PO STRUGGLING TO BREATHE]
I missed all your school plays...

- PO: [STRUGGLING] Dad, I love you, too...
- When I lost you.

- [CRYING] I was robbed of your childhood...
- Come on, now.

And it makes me feel so empty inside!
[PO BREATHING RELIEVED]

Oh, my God. Your dad's
pain is so adorable!

Your students have to
be in this play with you.

That way, your father will
get to experience a glimpse

of your childhood that fate
so cruelly robbed him of.

[SOBBING] She's so right!

I've been so empty inside
all these years!

- But what about the S-C-R-O...
- Shh!

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, Mei Mei, we'll come up
with something for the show.

Huzzah!

See, son? This is gonna
work out great for everybody.

MR. PING: Dry salty plums!
Get your dry salty plums!

- Dad!
- Son!

Mr. Ping... uh...
what are you doing here?

Oh, I got a flyer for the show...

and I thought I'd spend
some time with my son...

and sell the number one
theatre snack in the world.

Dry salty plums!
Yummy, yummy!

- Your favorite, son.
- It's awesome you're here, Dad!

FAN TONG: [EXCLAIMING]
Aww.

[SCREAMS]

[THUDDING FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[ROARS]

Let's see what he's capable of.

[ALL SCREAMING]

[GRUNTING AND SCREAMING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS AND SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

[SNARLING]

[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS CUNNINGLY]
[DEER SCREAMING]

BAO: Why are you still
lugging around that scroll?

Can't we just leave it
in the Training Hall?

This is an important message
from some ancient Kung Fu master.

We can't let it out of our sight.

And there's that
scary deer lady...

who's always making a face
like she has a headache.

- She wants it too!
- Yo, ding-dongs, check this out.

We can stash it in here
while we're on stage.

Okay, I'm here!
Dazzle me.

We will be playing the
Monkey King Sun Wukong.

Um... You're all playing
the same character?

We never agree on who's gonna
be what. This just saves time.

Wait till you
see Master Po's costume.

[CHUCKLING] It's so scary!

Are you kidding me?!
That's your demon costume?!

[CRYING] My career is over!
My career is over!

Is she okay?

Master Po!
Let's knock out this rehearsal real

quick and get back to the scroll.

When you hear your entrance line...

"This sure looks like the type of
place there would never be a demon."

You jump at us and attack!
[PUSH CART APPROACHING]

Then fighty-fight, acty-act,
we defeat you, and end scene.

Hey, get your paws
off my delicacies!

- LI: I can't get one little sample?
- PO: Hey, hey, hey.

- What's wrong?
- Your panda dad keeps putting his grubby

- little hands in my noodle cart.
- LI: I have had it up to here with you...

Dads! Dads! Hey!

I don't know how many times
I have to go over this.

You've gotta find a way
to get along.

LI AND PING: Hmm.

[BOTH ARGUING TOGETHER]

MR. PING: Don't you ever
brush your teeth?

[ROARS]

Why am I here?

You have pulled me from my
date night and I am very angry!

My wife, Glarg, only arises
from her cocoon once a millennia

to consume the souls of the unworthy...
and I must accompany her

or be befouled in the utters
of the great Ching-Gow.

- I even got a sitter for our spawn.
- Does this guy ever shut up?

Yes. Remind me next time
to summon one without a tongue.

JINDIAO: Do not worry, my friend,
I shall return you to your home...

as soon as you retrieve my scroll
from some insignificant pandas.

Oh! I will crush these tubby bears.

Savagely I will drain their
marrow as their screams

echo in the inferno of the
great Dagon's four stomachs...

- Jindiao Bird Master.
- Dah! Dragon Master.

[SCREAMING]

What is happening?

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Your mission to find this scroll
is too important to leave to chance.

So, just in case,
if things get messy...

[UNISONO] I will take control.

Dry salty plums!

Get your dry salty plums here!

I'll take two orders, please.

I reserve the right
to refuse service to anyone.

- Especially you.
- I'm trying to extend an olive branch.

You know, geese
are allergic to olives.

Are you trying to kill me?

Look, I'm trying to be friends.
We share the same son!

- We are not friends!
- You're right, we're not friends!

We're family.
We both love our son.

And he doesn't want us to fight.

So you're going to
play it that way, are you?

If you think guilting me with the
family card will work... [GASPS]

you're absolutely right.
[SOBS]

By the way, I don't offer
a family discount!

"I emerge from this cocoon, a woman!

Ready to suckle life's sweet
nectar with my proboscis."

Uh, huh?

[WEAK APPLAUDING]

Thank you. [KISSES]

To open my three-hour tour de force
is a bunch of kids in masks.

Huzzah!

Really makes you admire the
dictators who outlaw this stuff, huh?

Focus. We're up next.

BAO: "That cave up there.
Perhaps it is full of treasure?"

"This sure looks like the type of
place there would never be a demon."

Ooh!

PO: "It is I, the Wind..."
Aw! Ooh!

Woah!
[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

[THUNDERCLAP]

[ALL CHEERING] Oh, wow. Check
out those special effects.

Whoa! Master Po?

That costume turned out
way better than I expected.

[ROARS]

That is not Master Po.

[CHEERING]

Give me the scroll!

[TREMBLING]

How does he
know about the scroll...

I mean, what scroll?
I don't know what you're talking...

[BOTH SCREAMING]

It's like that?
Let's rock this turd!

[SCREAMS]

[SQUEALING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[STRAINING]

Uh! Woah!

[WHIMPERING]

YAOGUAI: Tired I am of this!
Return the scroll...

or I will drink the secreted
fluid of your spines...

and discern the mystery myself.

[BONES CRUNCHING]
[SCREAMS]

[STRUGGLING] Not sure spinal
fluid works that way, big fella.

- You'll never get the scroll.
- Nu Hai, no! [SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

- Whoa! Did you see that?
- I think I just laid an egg!

[MUSIC]

Fan Tong! The sword of Red
Phoenix. That was amazing!

[ROARING]

Now, Fan Tong!

Yaa!

[SLOWED DOWN SCREAMING]

[YAOGUAI LAUGHING]

You think that hurts?
I don't feel a...

[SCREAMS]

Thank you! Thank you!
[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

Thank you!

[PO STRUGGLING]

[SIGHS]

Did I miss anything?

[SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION]

We wasted
a perfectly good demon!

If there's anything I can do
to make you feel better...

JINDIAO: If the information
in that scroll is uncovered...

the entire world could find out
who I truly am.

I think it's time I
personally paid a visit

to our friends in Panda Village.

ALL: Woah!

[NU HAI LAUGHS EXCITEDLY]

Maybe our chi is the key to
unlocking the hidden message, right?

Ho! I think you're onto something!

Fan Tong...
do your thing, buddy.

[CHUCKLES]

Things are getting
real weird now, huh?