Klovn (2005–2021): Season 4, Episode 5 - Aben Ditmark - full transcript
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
DITMARK THE MONKEY
The first section is up.
It looks really good.
This is P3 News.
First, a death.
South African nationalist leader
Nelson Mandela has died.
Nelson Mandela was born in 1918
and died at the age of 88.
- That looks great.
- I'm happy with it.
- That's good.
- Nelson Mandela is dead.
- Is he?
- They just said it on the radio.
88 years old.
Please don't smoke in here.
- It's just a pipe.
- I don't want the lounge smelling.
- It doesn't smell bad.
- It smells of smoke.
- Have a taste.
- I don't like it.
You're so silly.
Yes, I can taste that,
but I don't want it in here.
But it smells good.
Only downstairs, then. Okay?
Spanish tapas are fun enough,
but this is better.
With tapas you get an anchovy
and some goat cheese.
That's the great thing about brunch.
It's lunch combined with breakfast.
You normally eat it
between breakfast and lunch.
Why hasn't someone invented
a lunch-dinner?
You could call it a "dunner".
That could be a hit.
What do you eat between
dinner and breakfast, then?
Red wine...
What's the verdict
on our accounts?
It looks fantastic.
You're earning a lot of money.
So you're paying too much in taxes.
I've told you
I don't want to pay tax.
My suggestion is that
you go for a sponsorship.
Sponsor expenses
are tax-deductible, you see.
And I've got a great idea. You could
sponsor an animal in the zoo.
That's a fun idea.
I've always wanted
my own animal in the zoo.
- Great idea.
- Several people do it.
- Does that turn you on?
- I guess so. It sounds fun.
I've got a good connection out there.
My son-in-law, M?ns.
- Isn't he a bit..?
- Yes, he's not too bright.
He's got some problems,
but he works in the zoo.
If I contacted him
and told him that...
He could contact the management
and say "I know Casper and Frank."
I would really appreciate that.
- Sure, if we can sponsor an animal.
- And pay less in taxes.
Hi.
I'm going to sponsor
a monkey in the zoo.
- Doesn't that sound fun?
- Yes.
We're going to invest
the company's profits in a monkey.
Okay.
Hi.
Hi.
Are you a pipe smoker now?
I don't know.
I just like the taste.
Is something wrong, honey?
- It looks really silly.
- Oh, okay.
- You look like a 70's hippie.
- Because I think it's nice?
It's like dating a little man.
- Thank you very much.
- It's all wrong.
- Oh.
- I'll quit as well, then.
- We'll both quit.
- Yes, I'd like that.
Let's get rid of that.
We're very proud of this enclosure.
We've got fresh air,
lots of sunlight and greenery.
This is a fantastic environment
for our monkeys.
Look. Your names are going
to be right here on this sign.
You can write your own text. Just
talk to our communication office.
We just want to sponsor a monkey.
Shall we have a look at it?
- It's a popular place.
- We'd love to see the monkey.
It's over here.
M?ns, I think -
- you should explain.
You're the person behind this.
This is your sponsor monkey,
Ditmark.
- The little, strong one up there?
- Yes, he's less than a year old.
Thank you. I'll talk to you later.
See you, M?ns.
- What can you tell us?
- What would you like to know?
- Anything.
- Do you feed them?
- Yes, every day.
- What do they eat?
Leaves, for example.
They pick them off the trees.
- But not only leaves?
- No, they also get bananas and...
- Tell us, then.
- Bananas.
They get brunch, then.
Your favourite meal.
- I love brunch.
- Fruit makes it brunch.
- Could we take a closer look?
- Yes, if you'd like.
- We'd love to.
- Now? It's my lunch break.
M?ns...
We'd like to have a look, okay?
- Please stop the whistling.
- Why?
- So this is where the monkeys live?
- Yes.
Where are they?
They're out there.
Where we were before.
It's completely empty.
They're out in the grotto.
- When do they come in here?
- In the morning, when they get fed.
Is that what the fruit is for?
I don't suppose...
... we could come after
closing hours and see it?
- It's much too crowded now.
- M?ns can let you in.
- He can show you around.
- That would be great.
You could give them a night tour,
couldn't you?
- I've got this one.
- I'd really like that.
Just say when.
M?ns will sort it out.
I start really early. If I have
to be here at night as well...
Could we borrow the key, then?
Or get one?
No, that's not possible.
Frank knows about animals.
He studied to be a vet.
- Nothing is going to happen.
- We can walk around on our own.
- They're responsible people.
- Maybe I should ask...
Just give us the key
and stop fussing.
Okay.
But look after it, okay?
- Thanks. Cool.
- Yeah, thank you.
Can we get into the restaurant
as well?
It'll be cool to see
the animals at night.
The main thing is
we've got the key for the zoo.
"Fancy a trip to the zoo? "
You know?
That's what's cool about it.
Shall we get a cab?
I'd like to get off first.
- Hi there.
- Hi. Welcome.
- Thank you.
- Frank, I'll get another cab.
See you later, okay?
- Aren't you coming?
- No, I'll get my own.
Can I have a cab for the zoo?
A W.C. Fields cab, please.
Is that possible?
Great. Bye.
- What's a W.C. Fields cab?
- "White Chauffeur".
"Fields" means
he has to be from this country.
What's wrong?
- It's embarrassing.
- I'm just being honest.
The guy obviously wasn't born here.
- They always get lost.
- Is it just because he's black?
If you grew up in Congo
you can't find Kronprinsensgade.
- I'm not going in there.
- He speaks Danish.
Let's see about that.
P3 News. We'll begin
with two minutes of silence -
- in memory
of Nelson Mandela.
- This isn't Fuglebakkevej.
- We have to stop for two minutes.
- Okay. Now or what?
- Yes, right now.
Could you switch the meter off, then?
Please switch the meter off
when we're not going.
- Stop it.
- We're not going anywhere.
- This is about Mandela.
- Yes, I know that.
- Just switch the meter off.
- It's only two minutes. Relax.
- We're stopping for two minutes.
- It's not...
- We'll go again straight away.
- Just switch it off.
This is about showing respect
for Nelson Mandela.
Why should I pay for that?
Are you not ready to give
Mandela 10 kroner?
Yes, but this is about the principle.
- Two minutes for Nelson Mandela.
- I don't understand that.
If you can't understand that
I don't care.
I'm stopping for Mandela
for two minutes. That's it.
You can have 200.
This is about principles.
I hope you had
two good minutes of silence.
Oh...
- I told you it's dead unsexy.
- Yes, I know that.
We made a deal: No pipe.
- You lied to me.
- I'm sorry.
I can't trust you.
I'll have a beer with Casper.
Let's hope you can trust me.
- Isn't it cool?
- It's great with champagne.
- Do you think?
- Yes, "chimpagne".
Where's the chimpagne?
Here's the chimpagne, Frank.
- Give me some chimpagne.
- Do you want more chimpagne?
A chimpagne toast.
- Welcome to the jungle.
- Ladies first.
There they are.
- Where is he?
- I don't know.
There are no monkeys.
- Hey, Casper...
- What do you think, girls?
- Hvam and Christensen Productions.
- Wow...
- Where is Ditmark?
- Ditmark is over here.
I hope we didn't buy an animal
which was put down?
- Isn't he there?
- He looks dead.
It's great to see them at night.
They behave differently.
We'll just go out and look at...
I haven't shown her
the tapir's shed.
Well, you've got to see that.
- Bye, Pernille.
- Bye, Casper.
- Then it's just you and me.
- Yes, it is.
Isn't it fantastic?
Look at the ropes...
- What's wrong?
- I've got a girlfriend.
- Frank...
- It puts a stopper on things.
I'll go out and powder my nose.
Find out what
you want to do, alright?
Are you bottomless now?
What do you think?
Maybe you have some spare knickers
you give out to charming blokes.
- What do you say, Frankie-boy?
- Yeah, what do I say?
What is it?
Well...
I need to think for a moment.
- Come on.
- I have a girlfriend.
You know what's it like, then.
It's not okey-dokey.
Frank, come on.
It's just that...
If it's really going to happen...
If you're really going to slip
it has to be extraordinary.
It has to be a real
cr?me de la cr?me experience.
- What the hell are you on about?
- You misunderstood.
How could I misunderstand?
Cr?me de la cr?me! Bloody hell...
You're lovely, don't get me wrong.
- But not cr?me de la cr?me?
- I mean Scarlett Johansson.
You're the biggest tease
I ever met.
Say hi to Scarlett when you meet her,
you fucking tease.
Wait.
I'll never meet Scarlett.
Casper!
Casper!
I'd like to go home.
I'm hungry.
Oh boy.
Casper!
Casper?
Where did you get the key?
M?ns gave it to us.
Have you got any coke?
Are you hung over?
Yes, we're a bit knackered.
Lovely brunch, by the way.
I love the eggs and bacon.
It must have been a fun night.
You didn't get home until six.
- Six o'clock?
- I went to a morning bar.
- You got back around four, right?
- I wasn't wearing a watch.
What were you doing, then?
We met Xbox Christian.
The guy who gets games for us.
- Did you go out with him?
- Yes, to Caf? Louise.
- I went the other way.
- Did you have a Blue Curacao?
Yes, we like that sort of thing.
Hi, Frank. We've got a problem.
Hi, Frank. We've got a problem.
M?ns was fired from the zoo.
Because of your stunt last night.
I'm really sorry.
It was improper use of that key.
When he told me
I called the zoo director.
He says he found you
in a monkey cage this morning.
You must have been sitting
there for a couple of hours.
And I promised him
to give the key back.
Casper, come here, please.
- What did you do?
- It's something to do with a key.
Kurt wants the key.
Do you have the key for the zoo?
The spare key?
I promised to give it back
to the director. Thanks.
I've got a problem with M?ns now.
He's been fired again.
Could you do something?
Just call us.
We'll work something out.
Bye, Kurt.
What's this about?
Eh?
- Sit down, and we'll...
- Oh yes, you will.
... explain.
What have you been doing?
We... Let's start from scratch.
We didn't do anything.
- No.
- But Xbox Christian...
I think we deserve
to hear the truth now.
Why did you say you went to Caf?
Louise, when you were in the zoo?
- What have you been doing?
- I was inside a monkey cage.
- Were you in a cage as well?
- No.
You're lying.
I can tell.
We got drunk, and then we wanted
to show Christian the monkey.
Why didn't you just say that?
Because it's not true.
I bet you took some chicks
to the zoo last night.
- I know you.
- Is that all you think of me?
Yes, it is, actually.
You screw up again and again.
Tell me the true story
or shut your mouth.
Why are you doing that?
- Because I feel like it, Frank.
- I thought we had a deal.
I don't think you should
be talking about deals.
You're not in a position
to do that right now. Agreed?
Agreed?
- If you say so.
- Yes.
Would you like a taste, Iben?
Yeah, why not?
What do you do?
You just puff away.
Mogens, tell us
if you want something to drink.
His name is M?ns.
His name is M?ns.
- Tell him to stop.
- No.
You should've thought of that
before you got him fired.
I didn't see it coming.
Frank?
Did you hear about Ditmark?
- No, what about Ditmark?
- Your monkey died yesterday.
It choked on
a pair of knickers it had found.
Incredible what people
throw into the cages.
Do you know anything about that?
Can you keep a secret about Casper?
I'd like to order a cab
for Fuglebakkevej 15.
A W.C. Fields cab, please.
With a white driver,
born in Denmark.
What? Hello?
You're not asking
for a white driver, are you?
Casper says blacks always get lost.
And we're going to the theatre.
Please call them again
and order a normal cab.
---
DITMARK THE MONKEY
The first section is up.
It looks really good.
This is P3 News.
First, a death.
South African nationalist leader
Nelson Mandela has died.
Nelson Mandela was born in 1918
and died at the age of 88.
- That looks great.
- I'm happy with it.
- That's good.
- Nelson Mandela is dead.
- Is he?
- They just said it on the radio.
88 years old.
Please don't smoke in here.
- It's just a pipe.
- I don't want the lounge smelling.
- It doesn't smell bad.
- It smells of smoke.
- Have a taste.
- I don't like it.
You're so silly.
Yes, I can taste that,
but I don't want it in here.
But it smells good.
Only downstairs, then. Okay?
Spanish tapas are fun enough,
but this is better.
With tapas you get an anchovy
and some goat cheese.
That's the great thing about brunch.
It's lunch combined with breakfast.
You normally eat it
between breakfast and lunch.
Why hasn't someone invented
a lunch-dinner?
You could call it a "dunner".
That could be a hit.
What do you eat between
dinner and breakfast, then?
Red wine...
What's the verdict
on our accounts?
It looks fantastic.
You're earning a lot of money.
So you're paying too much in taxes.
I've told you
I don't want to pay tax.
My suggestion is that
you go for a sponsorship.
Sponsor expenses
are tax-deductible, you see.
And I've got a great idea. You could
sponsor an animal in the zoo.
That's a fun idea.
I've always wanted
my own animal in the zoo.
- Great idea.
- Several people do it.
- Does that turn you on?
- I guess so. It sounds fun.
I've got a good connection out there.
My son-in-law, M?ns.
- Isn't he a bit..?
- Yes, he's not too bright.
He's got some problems,
but he works in the zoo.
If I contacted him
and told him that...
He could contact the management
and say "I know Casper and Frank."
I would really appreciate that.
- Sure, if we can sponsor an animal.
- And pay less in taxes.
Hi.
I'm going to sponsor
a monkey in the zoo.
- Doesn't that sound fun?
- Yes.
We're going to invest
the company's profits in a monkey.
Okay.
Hi.
Hi.
Are you a pipe smoker now?
I don't know.
I just like the taste.
Is something wrong, honey?
- It looks really silly.
- Oh, okay.
- You look like a 70's hippie.
- Because I think it's nice?
It's like dating a little man.
- Thank you very much.
- It's all wrong.
- Oh.
- I'll quit as well, then.
- We'll both quit.
- Yes, I'd like that.
Let's get rid of that.
We're very proud of this enclosure.
We've got fresh air,
lots of sunlight and greenery.
This is a fantastic environment
for our monkeys.
Look. Your names are going
to be right here on this sign.
You can write your own text. Just
talk to our communication office.
We just want to sponsor a monkey.
Shall we have a look at it?
- It's a popular place.
- We'd love to see the monkey.
It's over here.
M?ns, I think -
- you should explain.
You're the person behind this.
This is your sponsor monkey,
Ditmark.
- The little, strong one up there?
- Yes, he's less than a year old.
Thank you. I'll talk to you later.
See you, M?ns.
- What can you tell us?
- What would you like to know?
- Anything.
- Do you feed them?
- Yes, every day.
- What do they eat?
Leaves, for example.
They pick them off the trees.
- But not only leaves?
- No, they also get bananas and...
- Tell us, then.
- Bananas.
They get brunch, then.
Your favourite meal.
- I love brunch.
- Fruit makes it brunch.
- Could we take a closer look?
- Yes, if you'd like.
- We'd love to.
- Now? It's my lunch break.
M?ns...
We'd like to have a look, okay?
- Please stop the whistling.
- Why?
- So this is where the monkeys live?
- Yes.
Where are they?
They're out there.
Where we were before.
It's completely empty.
They're out in the grotto.
- When do they come in here?
- In the morning, when they get fed.
Is that what the fruit is for?
I don't suppose...
... we could come after
closing hours and see it?
- It's much too crowded now.
- M?ns can let you in.
- He can show you around.
- That would be great.
You could give them a night tour,
couldn't you?
- I've got this one.
- I'd really like that.
Just say when.
M?ns will sort it out.
I start really early. If I have
to be here at night as well...
Could we borrow the key, then?
Or get one?
No, that's not possible.
Frank knows about animals.
He studied to be a vet.
- Nothing is going to happen.
- We can walk around on our own.
- They're responsible people.
- Maybe I should ask...
Just give us the key
and stop fussing.
Okay.
But look after it, okay?
- Thanks. Cool.
- Yeah, thank you.
Can we get into the restaurant
as well?
It'll be cool to see
the animals at night.
The main thing is
we've got the key for the zoo.
"Fancy a trip to the zoo? "
You know?
That's what's cool about it.
Shall we get a cab?
I'd like to get off first.
- Hi there.
- Hi. Welcome.
- Thank you.
- Frank, I'll get another cab.
See you later, okay?
- Aren't you coming?
- No, I'll get my own.
Can I have a cab for the zoo?
A W.C. Fields cab, please.
Is that possible?
Great. Bye.
- What's a W.C. Fields cab?
- "White Chauffeur".
"Fields" means
he has to be from this country.
What's wrong?
- It's embarrassing.
- I'm just being honest.
The guy obviously wasn't born here.
- They always get lost.
- Is it just because he's black?
If you grew up in Congo
you can't find Kronprinsensgade.
- I'm not going in there.
- He speaks Danish.
Let's see about that.
P3 News. We'll begin
with two minutes of silence -
- in memory
of Nelson Mandela.
- This isn't Fuglebakkevej.
- We have to stop for two minutes.
- Okay. Now or what?
- Yes, right now.
Could you switch the meter off, then?
Please switch the meter off
when we're not going.
- Stop it.
- We're not going anywhere.
- This is about Mandela.
- Yes, I know that.
- Just switch the meter off.
- It's only two minutes. Relax.
- We're stopping for two minutes.
- It's not...
- We'll go again straight away.
- Just switch it off.
This is about showing respect
for Nelson Mandela.
Why should I pay for that?
Are you not ready to give
Mandela 10 kroner?
Yes, but this is about the principle.
- Two minutes for Nelson Mandela.
- I don't understand that.
If you can't understand that
I don't care.
I'm stopping for Mandela
for two minutes. That's it.
You can have 200.
This is about principles.
I hope you had
two good minutes of silence.
Oh...
- I told you it's dead unsexy.
- Yes, I know that.
We made a deal: No pipe.
- You lied to me.
- I'm sorry.
I can't trust you.
I'll have a beer with Casper.
Let's hope you can trust me.
- Isn't it cool?
- It's great with champagne.
- Do you think?
- Yes, "chimpagne".
Where's the chimpagne?
Here's the chimpagne, Frank.
- Give me some chimpagne.
- Do you want more chimpagne?
A chimpagne toast.
- Welcome to the jungle.
- Ladies first.
There they are.
- Where is he?
- I don't know.
There are no monkeys.
- Hey, Casper...
- What do you think, girls?
- Hvam and Christensen Productions.
- Wow...
- Where is Ditmark?
- Ditmark is over here.
I hope we didn't buy an animal
which was put down?
- Isn't he there?
- He looks dead.
It's great to see them at night.
They behave differently.
We'll just go out and look at...
I haven't shown her
the tapir's shed.
Well, you've got to see that.
- Bye, Pernille.
- Bye, Casper.
- Then it's just you and me.
- Yes, it is.
Isn't it fantastic?
Look at the ropes...
- What's wrong?
- I've got a girlfriend.
- Frank...
- It puts a stopper on things.
I'll go out and powder my nose.
Find out what
you want to do, alright?
Are you bottomless now?
What do you think?
Maybe you have some spare knickers
you give out to charming blokes.
- What do you say, Frankie-boy?
- Yeah, what do I say?
What is it?
Well...
I need to think for a moment.
- Come on.
- I have a girlfriend.
You know what's it like, then.
It's not okey-dokey.
Frank, come on.
It's just that...
If it's really going to happen...
If you're really going to slip
it has to be extraordinary.
It has to be a real
cr?me de la cr?me experience.
- What the hell are you on about?
- You misunderstood.
How could I misunderstand?
Cr?me de la cr?me! Bloody hell...
You're lovely, don't get me wrong.
- But not cr?me de la cr?me?
- I mean Scarlett Johansson.
You're the biggest tease
I ever met.
Say hi to Scarlett when you meet her,
you fucking tease.
Wait.
I'll never meet Scarlett.
Casper!
Casper!
I'd like to go home.
I'm hungry.
Oh boy.
Casper!
Casper?
Where did you get the key?
M?ns gave it to us.
Have you got any coke?
Are you hung over?
Yes, we're a bit knackered.
Lovely brunch, by the way.
I love the eggs and bacon.
It must have been a fun night.
You didn't get home until six.
- Six o'clock?
- I went to a morning bar.
- You got back around four, right?
- I wasn't wearing a watch.
What were you doing, then?
We met Xbox Christian.
The guy who gets games for us.
- Did you go out with him?
- Yes, to Caf? Louise.
- I went the other way.
- Did you have a Blue Curacao?
Yes, we like that sort of thing.
Hi, Frank. We've got a problem.
Hi, Frank. We've got a problem.
M?ns was fired from the zoo.
Because of your stunt last night.
I'm really sorry.
It was improper use of that key.
When he told me
I called the zoo director.
He says he found you
in a monkey cage this morning.
You must have been sitting
there for a couple of hours.
And I promised him
to give the key back.
Casper, come here, please.
- What did you do?
- It's something to do with a key.
Kurt wants the key.
Do you have the key for the zoo?
The spare key?
I promised to give it back
to the director. Thanks.
I've got a problem with M?ns now.
He's been fired again.
Could you do something?
Just call us.
We'll work something out.
Bye, Kurt.
What's this about?
Eh?
- Sit down, and we'll...
- Oh yes, you will.
... explain.
What have you been doing?
We... Let's start from scratch.
We didn't do anything.
- No.
- But Xbox Christian...
I think we deserve
to hear the truth now.
Why did you say you went to Caf?
Louise, when you were in the zoo?
- What have you been doing?
- I was inside a monkey cage.
- Were you in a cage as well?
- No.
You're lying.
I can tell.
We got drunk, and then we wanted
to show Christian the monkey.
Why didn't you just say that?
Because it's not true.
I bet you took some chicks
to the zoo last night.
- I know you.
- Is that all you think of me?
Yes, it is, actually.
You screw up again and again.
Tell me the true story
or shut your mouth.
Why are you doing that?
- Because I feel like it, Frank.
- I thought we had a deal.
I don't think you should
be talking about deals.
You're not in a position
to do that right now. Agreed?
Agreed?
- If you say so.
- Yes.
Would you like a taste, Iben?
Yeah, why not?
What do you do?
You just puff away.
Mogens, tell us
if you want something to drink.
His name is M?ns.
His name is M?ns.
- Tell him to stop.
- No.
You should've thought of that
before you got him fired.
I didn't see it coming.
Frank?
Did you hear about Ditmark?
- No, what about Ditmark?
- Your monkey died yesterday.
It choked on
a pair of knickers it had found.
Incredible what people
throw into the cages.
Do you know anything about that?
Can you keep a secret about Casper?
I'd like to order a cab
for Fuglebakkevej 15.
A W.C. Fields cab, please.
With a white driver,
born in Denmark.
What? Hello?
You're not asking
for a white driver, are you?
Casper says blacks always get lost.
And we're going to the theatre.
Please call them again
and order a normal cab.