Kitchen Nightmares (2007–2014): Season 5, Episode 3 - Mike & Nellie's - full transcript
- A year ago I spent a week
in the Fenwick Arm
with Brian Rey,
the most eccentric fruit
cake I've ever met.
- Bollocks to pesto,
bollocks to Maggie!
I love plates.
- Its like the Queen
coming for fucking dinner.
This week I'm back in Lancashire
to see how they've coped.
You look dreadful.
- Yeah I get tired
- You look absolutely fucked.
The staff morale is at
an all time low.
- Why the fuck we can't all
work as a team I don't know.
(plate shattering)
- [Gordon] The team is in pieces
and I've got to pull them
back together.
But Brian is ready to
throw in the towel.
- I've just totally lost it.
I could quite happily walk
down now and close the doors.
(knife sharpening)
- [Gordon] The Lune Valley.
A wealthy farming
area in the heart
of the Lancashire countryside.
Home of the hot pot and
the custard tart
and a great location for
a road side pub.
I'm looking for the
Fenwick Arms.
A good old
traditional English pub.
Every day thousands of
punters speed past the pub,
it's slap bang on the
busy A683 between
Lancaster and Kirkby Lonsdale.
Pubs are now the nations
favourite place to eat out,
and Brian Rey has spent the
last 30 cooking pub food.
- I don't claim to be God.
I don't claim to be
Jesus, but in my business
and in my kitchen my
word is law.
- [Gordon] There's a
mint to be made
if you get pub food right,
but since Brian
and his partner Elaine
Howden took over
the Fenwick Arms
three years ago,
they've been haemorrhaging
money at the rate
of 1500 quid a week.
What's going on there?
One big over grown bush,
fuck me.
And here is the menu, okay,
shit.
This is?
- Elaine.
- Elaine, nice to see you and?
- Hello I'm Brian.
- Brian, how are you?
- Oh I'm fine.
- Good.
- Delighted to meet you.
- Likewise, good to see you.
- Very delighted.
God it's tight in here isn't it?
- Yep.
- So where's the restaurant?
- The dining area is this way.
- Follow us down then.
- [Gordon] This is supposed
to be a traditional
English pub but it's
full of tacky clutter.
And when it comes to
table settings,
Brian's got serious
delusions of grandeur.
God, extraordinary!
(royal music)
Not what I imagined as a pub.
- We used to have this just as a
small dining room with
four tables in it.
- God you look like
you've got the Queen
coming for fucking dinner, no?
Unfortunately no one's
coming for dinner.
But it's not for want of trying.
Brian and Elaine have thrown
everything at this
failing business.
- [Brian] We spend most
of our life down here
and it's in between 100 and
120 hours a week down here.
- 120 hours a week,
60 hours each?
- Yes.
- No 120 each.
- So what days off do you take?
- We don't.
- We don't.
- You don't take any?
- We had Christmas day
off this year.
- [Gordon] That was
your last day off?
- Yes and the day before that
was the previous Christmas,
and the day
before that would have
been about 18 ago.
- [Gordon] Jesus.
- I had six days off for a--
- Quadruple heart bypass.
- [Brian] But I was back
at work on the seventh day.
- Fucking hell, you were back
at work seven days later?
- Yes seven days after the op
I was back working in the
kitchen cooking.
- Are you mad?
- Probably.
- How old are you?
- 62.
- 62, for Christ's sake.
Brian is killing himself
over an empty pub.
This place should feel
laid back and lardy
but it's got all the formality
and awkwardness of a wake.
It's staid you know,
the atmosphere
is static and very dreary.
- There's our menu for
this evening.
- Thank you.
- Plus the additions of the day.
Care for a wine list?
Brian calls them additions
rather than specials,
he doesn't like to call
them specials.
- Fuck me, Christ almighty.
Well it's far from
being a pub menu.
God, Reg Johnson's corn-fed
Goosnargh duck breast.
Ribble Farm house Savoy cabbage,
rosti potato, Wellington
crispy apple chutney
and Calvados jus, fuck me.
Brian's trying way too
hard and his list
of pompous sauces is ridiculous.
I mean there's pure merlot
red wine sauce,
jus, Calvados jus,
Lancashire jus,
caramelised onions,
tartare, extraordinary.
You walk into a pub
and you expect
a steak and kidney
pudding, a shepherds pie.
I've ordered the simplest
thing on the menu,
a prawn salad, but
Brian doesn't do simple.
We'd like to point out
first and foremost
we're a traditional old
English pub, bloody hell.
That's steeped in
tradition there isn't it?
Let's see if Brian can
get traditional
with my main course,
but I'm doubtful.
It's Corcoran Rack of Lamb,
balsamic cherry tomatoes
and one of those
pretentious sauces.
How the fuck do you get in?
How do you get the lamb out?
Not only is this not pub
food, but it's plain awful.
Honestly it was like
chewing a fucking golf ball.
Brian's got a lot to answer for.
This is a pub isn't it?
- Yes.
- And that's what I had
to keep on telling myself.
A traditional old English pub.
So how many pubs
have you been in
that have served up over
reduced syrupy sickly
balsamic vinegar in a Z
shape over a square plate?
- [Brian] Probably none.
- A pub, or pub grub is the
next step up from, from home.
You know it's that basic.
Rustic, honest good
British solid food
and there's nothing traditional
about what you're doing here.
This is currently running
as a restaurant
that is confused, over the top,
I mean absurd beyond belief.
You're not running a pub,
it feels
like you're running a
restaurant badly.
Modern pub food is all about
simple home cooking done well.
I don't think it's
going to be easy
persuading Brian and Elaine
that they need to get
back to basics.
How are you feeling?
- Totally crap.
It was pretty
devastating last night.
Some of the things yes we
could fully accept and take.
But to be quite honest
the way we felt,
if you have to be
like that to get
to the top I'm glad I'm
at the bottom.
- I've got to be
brutally honest,
clearly you don't like
that level of honesty.
I'm not here for
confrontation and you know
if you're that
devastated on the back
of what you've been
through in this industry
for 30 years, I'm
surprised you're so weak.
After 30 years hard
graft, Brian and Elaine
should be reaping the
benefits but in fact
they're facing
bankruptcy and could be
homeless in three months,
they've got to face facts.
How much are you in debt?
- When we actually sat
down and wrote it down,
added it all up, put
everything into it
where you sort of
leave things out
so that you don't see it,
we're about
a quarter of a million.
- In debt.
If we had to close tonight?
- Uh huh.
- The situation at the
Fenwick Arms is desperate.
I need to find out how
Brian runs his kitchen.
Since his heart op his
memory lets him down
so he sets a timer for
every dish he's cooking.
And that helps you not to
forget when it's ready?
- Well it's not just that
it's giving you
an awareness all the
time of that time factor.
- So how many timers
have you got going on?
- Just one at the moment.
- We've got three going
at the moment.
- Three timers.
- Three.
- Brian's short term
memory is as awful
as the rich sticky sauce
he's coating every dish.
And this one?
- And that I believe is a
previous scrumpy reduction
we actually didn't have
a lot of cider.
- So it's a scrumpy reduction
without the scrumpy?
Appletizer reduction.
- With Appletize in there?
Appletize? Fuck me I feel sick.
(upbeat music)
I'm starting to
realise that nothing
about this kitchen makes sense.
- Have you got any mash
ready for us Nathan?
Have you got a bowl for that?
- While Brian runs round
a tiny cramped space,
he's paying top
whack to his most
experienced chef Nathan
who seems to just
put parsley on everything.
Is this normal or is someone
taking the piss out me?
This is normal?
- This is normal.
- I've never seen such a
chaotic and inefficient
kitchen and on top of that
there's Brian's
over complicated and
frankly ridiculous food.
Stone cold pate, stone
cold lettuce,
piping hot reduced red
wine sauce, parsley.
Hey you've got a fucking
brain haven't you?
- I hope so.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I like to think so.
- Is this pub food?
- No.
- Because I can't quite believe
I'm fucking standing in a
traditional English pub.
Brian's already had
five heart attacks
and he's running himself
into the ground,
cooking the wrong food in
the wrong way.
Your kitchen is a disaster zone.
It is fucking impossible
to get food out of there.
Well I tell you what big
boy you may be 62
but fuck me you don't
have to work that hard,
do you know that?
- It would be nice if I didn't.
- I swear to god
because that must be
a fucking nightmare in there.
(knives scraping together)
(silly music)
- The Fenwick Arms in Lancashire
has ideas above it's station.
It's a country pub
with aspirations
to be a fancy restaurant.
The dining room is set
for the Queen
and the food is pretentious.
And Brian Rey and Elaine Howden
are a quarter of a million
pounds in debt,
but they're still spending.
You've got the set up of a
restaurant, big coffee machine,
espresso, expensive bit
of equipment no?
- It was 400 pounds.
- 400 quid?
- Yeah.
- You bought it?
- Yes.
- From where?
- E-bay.
- E-bay?
- Yes.
- Brian's stuffed his
kitchen with so much
second hand equipment
you can't swing a cat.
Let me just squeeze past here.
Thank fuck you're small,
do you know that, huh?
That's what you do, you
look for chef's on E-bay,
look at their size,
their measurements
their weight then
employ them yeah?
Brian's DIY kitchen is a
cramped bodged together
disaster zone held together
with bits of string.
And he's hoarding problem goes
much deeper than I
first thought.
- I love plates, whereas
other people go
and have a holiday or go
out for a meal,
I save my pennies and
buy a plate.
- Jesus, fuck me.
Look at all those plates
there, wrapped in cling film.
Why are they wrapped
in cling film?
- To stay clean.
- To stay clean?
- Yes.
- [Gordon] What are these
plates used for?
- [Brian] Just some I
bought to play with.
- Some you bought to play with?
- Yeah I haven't played
with them yet,
just got the chance of
getting them so I got them.
- What are you thinking of
putting in there, salad, fruit?
- I don't know we'll
come up with some dish
and use them for that.
- No, no, no, come on you don't
serve food in them do you?
- Yes we did.
- Oh no come on, I
wouldn't even put
a fucking dog's dinner in there.
You don't serve food in them?
- We have done in the past.
- No, look at the size of it.
- They're big.
- I mean you can go tiling
with that thing, you know that?
We can re-tile this whole
establishment with these plates.
Just look what we can start
doing, in terms of look,
already starting to look
unique isn't it?
- And so you serve, what
Chinese dish on this one?
- It wasn't it was a
Japanese dish.
- Christ almighty.
- The tile glue didn't stick.
It's alright don't worry,
it was chipped anyway.
- Oh damn, damn, damn, damn,
damn, damn, damn, damn.
Every corner I turn I
discover another
of Brian's stashes
squirrelled away.
Now where did that
one come from?
- [Brian] I bought that
from Villeroy Boch.
- And what's that?
You don't serve food on that,
come on.
- [Brian] Yes we do.
- It's like a fucking
swimming pool for Barbie.
Now we've got one with three
compartments down the side.
- We serve the steak on that.
- You serve the steak on that?
- Yes.
(upbeat music)
- A life time of hoarding
calls for shock treatment.
For the first time ever we're
going to get rid of
that fucking junk.
Before I can even think
about changing the food
I've got to make some space.
Condemned, broken, chipped,
skip, yeah?
- Yes.
- This.
Where did you get
this thing from?
- E-bay.
- E-bay?
Tucked away in the
corner Brian's got
a huge disgusting stock pot.
It's the base for all
his revolting sauces.
That's gonna go in the skip.
We don't need to fucking
have the Shiraz,
the Merlot, we don't need it.
That for me is a hazard.
Brian's been collecting
kitchen equipment for 30.
He's never thrown anything away.
And even with me here to help
he's finding it difficult.
- Bit of a shock to the system.
A hell of a shock to the system.
- I've been trying to
get rid of some
of this rubbish for two
or three years,
but Brian will not part
with anything.
- I'm leaving Elaine in charge
of rebuilding the
kitchen while I make sure
that Brian's junk has
gone for good.
Okay why do you think
I've brought you here?
- I have no idea.
- You've got no idea?
Well see that skip behind there?
That's full of your junk
and I'm really worried
the fact that you're
going to put
half that junk back in
your kitchen.
So I've got to get rid
of it once and for all.
Go on get that stock pot away.
We're getting rid of the shit.
Look at it, stop hoarding crap.
- I think you've well
and truly made the point.
- The harsh truth is
that 20 rural pubs
close every month and if
Brian and Elaine
don't want to add to
that number,
they need to start making
some drastic changes.
I've got a huge amount of
respect for fucking Brian.
The guy's 62 years of age,
he's been cooking for 30 years.
He hasn't got a fucking
pot to piss in.
He's working in excess
of a 120 hours
a fucking week in the kitchen.
I'm sorry but for any man
of 62 that can kill you.
Clearing out the junk
was just the beginning.
Before I can start changing
that god awful food
I need to get this
kitchen working properly.
Look at the space you've
here like that,
hey we're going to
throw a fucking
dance in here in a minute.
I've got to do something
drastic, I need to clear out
one final thing from the
kitchen, Brian.
Brian big night for you tonight.
Don't be scared of the change.
You're not cooking in the
kitchen tonight.
You are out of the
kitchen for good
and you're more than
capable of running
your pub but not from
the kitchen,
as a proper publican as
a proper host.
- I will do my best.
- Please go and get changed.
- I will.
- I think this kitchen's got
a better chance without Brian.
He's got a young but
enthusiastic
team of three chefs,
Nathan, Karen and Chris.
I know how difficult
Brian is to work with,
that is so fucking obvious yeah?
He's gone now, yeah?
He's not running the kitchen
he's running his business.
Show him that you can do it.
It's essential that
the Fenwick Arms
has a friendly couple out front.
(bar chatter)
But I'm not convinced
Brian will be up
to the job after 30
behind a stove.
- Good evening, did anybody
tell you we've run out
of sea bass and we've
only got one tien left?
Right anybody any ideas
on what you're looking
for before we run out
of what's left?
- Oh dear not exactly
a polished performance.
Talk to them Brian
they won't bite.
But it's looking much
more professional
in the kitchen where
Karen has taken charge.
- One coriander, one
steak and kidney,
one duck, one chicken.
- Don't worry about
drizzling the plate
just sauce the fucking thing
please, there you go, good.
Even with Brian's
complicated menu
the food is flying out
of the kitchen
just like it should do in a pub.
They're doing a great
job in there,
now the problem is in
the dining room
and there's no vibrance there.
The atmosphere is
stuffy and formal.
Why on earth is Elaine
pouring the wine?
This is supposed to be a pub.
(upbeat music)
While Brian and Elaine
fuss over their customers,
there are empty tables in
the dining room
and the bar is filling up
with people waiting to eat.
They're never going to make a
profit running it like this.
They need to fill the
tables twice a night.
What's happening in the bar,
everyone's sitting in
there taking orders,
get them straight to the
fucking table.
Get them in that
restaurant, clear the bar.
- Can I pass you some menus.
Are these ladies part
of your party?
- Brian has got to loosen up
or we'll never speed
up the service.
First of all you guys,
yeah fucking well done.
I mean really well done.
My problem was in the
dining room.
Your service doesn't
need to be that formal.
If you relax the
service will relax
and that's not nit picking,
we're a pub.
What's wrong with them carrying
their own drinks
through to the table?
- Nothing wrong with that.
- You know yourself when
the atmosphere's not right,
you know it's not
running smoothly.
- Course you do and
we need to work
on that level of just a pub.
(cheerful music)
I've only got three days to go
and I've still got to
solve the biggest problem
at the Fenwick Arms,
Brian's food.
What is traditionally
English pub food, what is it?
- Well I suppose
English pub food
is basically scampi, gammon,
sausage,
that but that isn't
what I want to be.
- [Gordon] It's
nothing of the sort.
Fuck me what pubs
have you been in?
- [Brian] Not quite
so many since
I've ended up in one myself.
- It's rustic, simple
English cooking.
Whether it's a bowl of
split pea soup,
whether it's a
Lancashire hot pot,
whether it's steak and chips.
It is simple food.
- And that's where I've
lost my way then.
- It's time I pushed Brian
in the right direction.
See this on here? Twaddle yeah?
Absolute horrendous waffle.
I don't want to see the
Madeira sauce,
the citrus mayonnaise, I
don't want to see
a Calvados jus, no more sauces.
The pub will be serving
great British pub food.
- I've got to start
replacing some of
Brian's dishes with
good home cooking.
What's wrong with having
Lancashire hot pot on the menu?
Nothing.
- Nothing at all.
Where are we?
- Lancashire.
- Lancashire, and so why
is that not on the menu?
I've asked Brian and Elaine to
rewrite the menu
minus the waffle.
- Pan fried duck livers
just fried duck livers.
- Fish cake.
- Just put down fish cake.
- Potatoes on top, lots
of potatoes yeah?
Spread nice, good, give
it a little twist
to the bottom like that,
that mixes the onions
and the potatoes, yeah,
up on top and in.
What have you done for
the fish cakes?
- Salmon and haddock fish cake.
- Salmon and haddock fish cake.
- Salmon and haddock fish cake?
- Yes.
- And that's it?
- Yep.
- Wow.
Finally we're getting somewhere.
I feel that we're
really starting
to fucking understand
what pub means.
Progress at last, but
I don't think they'll
really understand what a pub is
until they've been to one.
So I'm giving them a night off.
Their first Saturday night
out in eighteen years.
Good right Elaine, Brian,
take the dogs for a walk,
don't worry about the service.
When you come back okay,
get changed yeah and come
and have dinner.
When was the last time
you sat in here
on a Saturday night and
watched your staff
at work and enjoyed your dinner?
- Never.
- Right okay, off you go.
- Thank you Gordon.
- See you later.
- Thank you.
- Yeah see you later.
Right now one last thing.
You're the only pub in Britain
that's got a fucking uniform,
get changed into your civvies,
see you in five minutes
ready to run the place yeah?
- There's a good boy, there's
a good boy, come on Elaine.
- I'm hoping that if
Brian and Elaine
experience a real pub atmosphere
they'll realise relaxed is best.
So tonight there'll be no fussy
service at the Fenwick Arms.
Good evening.
- Good evening.
- And welcome to the
Fenwick Arms, how are you?
- [brian[ Very well thank you.
- Good, good, good, you
can't come in.
- [Elaine] You too busy?
- No we're not too busy.
You're not here to
receive an OBE,
you're here to have dinner,
you're dressed too formal.
- So we'll go back again.
- As quick as you can.
- Right come on.
- Lovely.
- We've never been out
ever not dressed like this.
- Right come back with
something casual.
(upbeat music)
- Welcome to the Fenwick
Arms, come through please.
- Thank you.
- Cheers dear.
- Tonight they'll be
sampling the first
of my new real pub grub,
not a sticky jus in sight.
- It's a rather nice
colour isn't it?
- [Brian] You want to
taste this pate.
- It's good.
- That is to die for.
- The food has been a hit.
I hope they've finally
got the message
that they've got nothing to fear
from going back to basics.
You've got to show
flexibility and you can do it.
And getting you out
of this place
today was a breath of fresh air.
Just to relax the
place and the more
you can relax I swear to God
you will see your business grow.
Last night was a success.
I thought the Fenwick
Arms was back on track,
but this morning I've
discovered Brian
had gone behind my back
and jeopardised
every thing we'd been
trying to achieve.
What was his complaint
to you this morning?
- It was generally
that he doesn't
want to see any of his
plates being binned,
he doesn't want anything
being different.
He came round and took all
his knives out.
It was just generally,
this is our business,
this is our home, things aren't
gonna be changing as
much as everybody thinks.
We're still going to be
doing it our way
and nobody's going to say
any different.
- He's just stuck in his ways.
- I'm pissed off really.
- Unbelievable, two days to go
and he decides to
screw it all up.
At 62 years of age it's becoming
really fucking clear that you
can't teach an old dog new
fucking tricks.
(knives scraping together)
(upbeat music)
- I'm nearing the end of
my week at the Fenwick Arms
where I'm trying to save
Brian and Elaine
from the jaws of bankruptcy.
But just when I thought
we'd turned the corner,
Brian's gone behind my back
and told his staff he
won't accept my changes.
Now I want to get it
out with you now
because I don't mind going,
I'd rather go and see
my wife today
than sit here and fucking
bang my head against the wall.
If you're not prepared
to accept the changes,
you've got to tell me and
the nit picking.
Do you know what you've
got to balance it out
with some confidence and a
little bit of encouragement.
- As I said to them this
morning right,
just remember we are the bosses.
- It's not a power struggle,
you are definitely the owners.
Just cut them a little
slack you'll be surprised.
- You know what we're
acting like?
Small children, aren't we?
- Thank you, they're busting
their nuts off for
you right now.
- They're busting their
nuts off for you right now.
- That's not for me,
that's for you
because you pay their
fucking salaries, not me.
And when you're worried
about your Villeroy Boch
fucking plates that no
one's changing
fucking and come and tell me,
yeah?
Because I'll smash them
over your fucking head.
He'd better have
listened this time.
I'm only here for two more days
and my biggest concern is
that it's Sunday
on a bank holiday weekend and
the pub is virtually empty.
Here we are sat at a
quarter to, 25 covers done
and we should be having a
second seating
coming in now for Sunday lunch.
But thank God only 25
people are going to eat
the miserable looking roast
they're serving today.
It's coated in yet another
disgusting brown sauce.
Is that Brian's recipe?
- Yes.
- It's a revolting concoction of
gravy granules and
reduced red wine.
I may have kicked Brian
out of the kitchen
but unfortunately his
influence still lingers on.
I suppose we could always
re-tile the roof
with that fucker can't we?
Look at that, fuck me,
why is it so dark?
But the Yorkshire puddings are
actually pretty impressive.
What a shame they're
going to be ruined
by Brian's disgusting gravy.
(upbeat music)
- Turnover needs to increase
by at least 2000 pounds a week.
I think Sunday lunch
holds the key
to solving the problem,
but there's only
one thing Brian's
gravy is good for.
We're saying goodbye to the
gloop and hello to gravy.
Whee, Fucking hell we've
got some tarmac, okay?
One thing we're gonna do now
is make a proper gravy yes.
When was the last time
you made a proper gravy?
Years ago.
- Years ago?
- Yes.
- Fresh oil in there yeah?
And carrots, leeks, celery yeah?
And it's really important
to make the gravy
in the tray the meat was
roasted in, and now stock.
Beef stock, yeah, bring
that up to the boil.
Right and when I pass this
through a sieve
I want to see the
bottom of the tray
get nice and clean yeah?
What happens all the
vegetables start to go through
the sieve so it naturally
thickens the gravy.
Out and look, gravy.
This has given me a
great PR idea
that's going to
appeal to Brian's
eccentric personality
and give the Fenwick Arms
the boost it so
desperately needs.
The penny dropped for
me today you know that.
Why can't this place this
place become famous for gravy?
- Brilliant idea.
- Look at these things.
They're amazing, you've
got the amazing potential
to have a fantastic
Sunday lunch.
Bring back real gravy, this
place will be fucking heaving.
- How?
- Yes.
- How, you get on the streets
and you just announce okay
that you've got a campaign
to launch real gravy
at the fucking Fenwick Arms,
yes?
A campaign to launch real gravy.
Hey it sounds a little bit
fucking dolally
but why can't you just
turn it around
and get out on the street
with the team yeah?
- Yes.
- Give us a word.
- Yes we will launch
the campaign.
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
- As I hoped, Brian is well
and truly sold on the campaign.
- Join the campaign
for real gravy.
Join the Fenwick Arms
for real gravy.
- His troops are armed
with Yorkshire puddings
and jugs of gravy
and we're ready
to hit the streets of
Kirkby Lonsdale.
Yorkshire pudding and just
a little bit of gravy there.
Thank you.
- [Brian] Join the
campaign for real gravy.
- Sir, real gravy, there we are.
- No more jus's no more
sauces, real gravy.
Bollocks to Bisto,
bollocks to Maggie,
the campaign for real
gravy starts
at the Fenwick Arms Claughton.
The centre of the universe
for real gravy.
- Nice?
- Its very nice.
- Happy, good man.
- [All] We want gravy! We
want gravy! We want gravy!
- Bollocks to Bisto,
we want gravy.
- [Gordon] Great word of
mouth publicity is unbeatable.
And Brian and the team
have done a brilliant job
of making damn sure
the Fenwick Arms
is the talk of the town.
- [All] We want gravy.
- We want gravy, not just
any gravy but the real gravy.
- We re-launch tomorrow
and when word spreads
about the real gravy the
pub should be packed out.
- Join our campaign, real gravy.
- It's my last day and
there's still
a lot to do before
tonight's re-launch.
First impressions count
so there's no point
launching a big PR
campaign if the place
looks a dump when the
punters get here.
Have a look at that sign,
it cheapens the place
and it just sends the
wrong messages,
do you know that, huh?
And I want to see the
Fenwick Arms
so that banner you know
that's got to go
and the whole place just needs
sprucing up a little bit.
Jet hose the front and just
get it nice and vibrant.
(upbeat music)
- [Gordon] While the
front of house team
spruce up the exterior,
I've suggested to Brian that he
gets back on E-bay and
starts selling off
his huge crockery collection.
- I've got 10 of
those and they're
starting off at 46 quid each.
- [Gordon] Tonight we're
re-launching the
Fenwick Arms as a
great British pub.
The real gravy campaign
has done the trick,
bookings have been
pouring in all day.
- Good afternoon Fenwick Arms?
- On a normal Tuesday
night Brian and Elaine
would be lucky to get
20 customers but there's
already 88 booked in
for tonight's re launch.
- Eight o'clock, we could do it,
maybe going on
towards half past.
- In the kitchen I've
put together a new menu,
no nonsense, tasty British
pub favourites.
There's hearty pea and ham soup.
And the all time classic,
simple prawn cocktail.
A few prawns in the middle.
What's the secret of a
prawn cocktail?
- Good prawns?
- Good prawns, lovely
Marie Rose sauce
and a little bit of apple.
The apple and the
lettuce yeah just
really make it nice and zesty.
All these dishes use
great ingredients,
prepared simply and
presented without fuss.
Just like this
pressed ham terrine.
When you think about
something like a pub
you know it's rustic,
keep the food rustic yeah?
But in terms of presentation
dots and fucking bits and bobs,
get it on there, that's
it end of story.
t's time to show Brian
and Elaine their new menu.
I've replaced their
complicated fussy food
with 25 classic pub dishes.
Surprise, surprise, simple
straightforward
honest British pub food, yeah?
And nothing too quirky.
- I'm well impressed.
- Roast rib of beef,
stunning Yorkshire puddings,
jug of gravy, fish and chips.
Beautiful sausage and
mash, Lancashire Hot Pot
and apple and
blackberry crumble.
- I'm proud of what I can see.
- The secret behind
this menu here
and being completely
traditional in terms of pub food
is just the speed it can
fly out at, yeah?
With two sittings in
the dining room
the chefs will be
under pressure.
But it's Brian and
Elaine I'm worried about.
If they can't relax and speed up
the service we'll be screwed.
- Do we say our prayers now?
- I'm shaking like a
leaf inside.
I don't know whether I'm on
this planet the next planet,
but I'm definitely on a
traditional pub planet.
- He'd better be.
The pub is packed out
tonight but if
Brian and Elaine are
going to start paying off
their huge debt this
can't be a one off.
15 minutes from the starter
to the main course, go.
Two roast beef, keep it
up it's the first table.
Have you been waiting
long, no five minutes?
Gravy you're happy with?
- Gravy and Yorkshire
pudding's are sensational.
- Fantastic.
So far so good.
The kitchen seems to be
coping well under pressure.
Right how many have you done?
- I think there's
about 40 of these.
- Yeah over half way,
yeah keep it going yeah?
But out front there's a
disaster waiting to happen.
The bar is full of people
waiting to be seated.
Brian and Elaine haven't got the
first customers off
the tables yet.
You find it hard to transition,
it's not a
restaurant it's a pub,
so don't be scared after
one hour 55 minutes,
would you mind taking
coffee in the bar
or come and have a drink at
the bar, change those tables.
If you don't do that
in the next 15 minutes
we are going to be in
the fucking shit.
- Have you got a bill for table,
that one.
- It's been touch and
go but at last
the second sitting have
their tables.
The Fenwick Arms is buzzing.
The real gravy is
being lapped up
and traditional pub food
has hit the spot.
- I had roast beef and it
was so gorgeous,
with real gravy on it.
- Nice, lovely.
If Brian and Elaine can
keep up the pace
they might just pull this off.
- I mean hell it's a lot
of excitement.
The adrenaline is absolutely
pounding through me.
Evening all, evening.
- [Gordon] It's been a
huge success and finally
the penny's dropped for Brian.
He's realised that the kitchen
runs better without him.
- They've done it, I've
not been there.
I've not had to come in
and where's this,
where's that, where's the other.
And I am just so
proud of them all.
Wow what a night.
- [Gordon] At times this week
I seriously doubted it
was possible,
but tonight the Fenwick Arms
has been transformed
from a stuffy dining room
into a vibrant packed pub.
How much money did we take?
- The till.
- Yes.
- Told me we've done
2447 pounds.
- Yes, get in there.
- Fantastic.
- 2000 pounds more than
last Sunday lunch.
Brian what does that tell you?
- That changing the menu and
doing it simpler has worked.
- Well since I've been
here that was
the first night I
witnessed all of you
running a pub and I'm
not going to come back
to what I came and saw
a week ago yes?
- No you're not.
- No, there was one, one
little problem
I found a Barbie plate.
Please Eddie, wrap it up
in clingfilm dig a hole
and hide it yes, promise me?
- Good man, go. Oh no! Eddie!
(upbeat music)
It's a year since I was
last at the Fenwich Arms.
And there's been bad news.
A rival pub has just opened
down the road, the Highwayman.
My goodness me, that's serious
competition, beautiful.
Two great write ups and
literally five minutes
from Brian's doorstep so,
he must be shitting himself.
Right where is the
little fucker.
Hello, how are you my
darling good to see you.
- Good to see you too.
- And where is he, upstairs?
- No catching up, we call
it catch up day.
- On the computer?
- No.
- Where is he?
- Cleaning his oven.
- He's in the kitchen?
- Yeah.
- I don't believe it, for
god's sake, how are you buddy?
- I'm fine and you?
- Good to see you, been busy?
- Fantastically so.
- Good.
- I mean from when you
first came we were doing
about 23 to 40 on a
Sunday, but now we're up to
I think the most we've
done is about 260.
- 260.
- On a Sunday.
- In one day?
- In one day.
- Turning tables.
- Christ almighty.
The campaign for real
gravy has brought them
into profit and their
debt is slowly being paid.
But the Highwayman could still
rob them of their success.
How are you surviving
with that competition
on your doorstep now, are
your customers going there?
- Yes.
- Yes.
The first Sunday they
opened, I think we were,
we did about a 100
that day instead
of the solid 200 we'd expected.
- Whilst I'm very
happy to see you,
you look dreadful, you
look absolutely fucked.
- Yeah, I get tired.
- Oh dear, Brian's still
cooking three days a week,
but he's not the only
bit of knackered
old chintz that's back
in the kitchen.
They were gone, you told me
you were selling them all.
- Well we sold quite a lot.
- What's buried out
the back here?
- No, we don't use
anything else Gordon.
- There's got to be
plates wrapped up
in clingfilm somewhere,
under your pillow?
Oh, my God what are they for?
- Strawberries.
- Elaine's strawberries.
- Oh, my god, what are they for?
- Lemon tarts I think.
- Strawberries, lemon tarts yes.
The menu is also
slipping backwards,
its simple but no
longer seasonal.
Its June and they've
five pies on
that sound as old and
crusty as Brian.
Robust fish pie, a Lancashire
cheese and onion pie,
a herb with mutton and
pearl barley pie,
savoy cabbage and smoked
bacon pie, winter.
Name me one dish on
there that would
blow my mind away for a nice
summer's lunch in a pub?
- Don't know.
- Come on guys.
I've ordered the mutton
pie, just what you want
when its 30 degrees outside.
The pie looks something
like you really
want to eat but not in
the middle of summer,
in the winter, what a shame.
Who's responsible for
all these pies?
In the kitchen Chris is the only
remaining chef of his
original team.
There's so many pies on
the menu five of them,
we're in the middle of summer.
- Brian and Elaine wrote it.
Came in one night and it
was like that,
this is the menu you're
doing from tomorrow.
- He's fucking unbelievable
this guy, you know that.
If you had the choice what would
you see on the menu in a
perfect world?
- Ah, seeing its summer,
some salads.
- It makes sense doesn't it?
Yet again Brian is
refusing to see sense
by ignoring his head chef,
who knows
how he's treating the
rest of his staff.
- Not giving anyone any praise,
just criticised constantly.
I'm just a bit fed up of
it at the moment.
- There's no trust there,
he won't let us
run the kitchen how we know
we can run the kitchen.
- If it continues like this,
how long
are you going to continue
to work for him?
- If he doesn't change,
I'll look for a new job,
cause I've applied for one, so.
- I'm leaving as soon as I can,
two weeks.
- I can't believe all
our progress last year
is unravelling, I
warned Brian about
not motivating his staff,
and now he's got a
mutiny on his hands.
Its not fucking healthy Brian.
- I don't think I have
the strength.
I am just so bloody tired.
I could quite happily walk
down now and close the doors.
I've lost it Gordon, I've
just totally lost it.
(knives scraping together)
- I'm at the Fenwick
Arms one year on,
rival pub has opened on
their doorstep
and Brian's back to
his old ways,
serving wintry pies in June
and making the staff miserable.
My god you can feel
it in the air.
I'm only here for the day,
but I've got to try something,
I've ordered everyone
outside, we're going to
break the grip of Brian's
negativity on the pub
and his hoards of precious
plates might come in handy.
Christ almighty there are plates
fucking everywhere, what's
this guy doing.
Right, this is not the
happiest place
in Lancashire to work right now.
How many members of
staff that think
they're gonna be gone from here
in three months time put
your hands up.
Crikey, that's half the staff.
If this lot have to take
on the Highwayman
they've got to stand united
with the air cleared.
So I've ruled the person
who holds the plate
must tell Brian the truth.
Chris, what do you want
from the Fenwick Arms?
- Be given some space so that
we can do things, all of us.
I want Brian and
Elaine to go out
to enjoy themselves and
just trust us to do it.
I want to be able to sit
down and discuss the menu
and actually put some
ideas on it.
Last time we had a menu change
I didn't get anything,
I wasn't even asked.
- I'm surprised
you're still here.
Total respect, chef to chef,
thank you for hanging around.
Elaine how are you feeling?
- Low, the same as
everybody else.
Why the fuck we all can't
work as a team I don't know.
Its just gone, and I'm fed up.
- I know you're upset.
God, come on come on come on,
hey,
I brought everybody here,
outside because we
need a little bit
of respect for each other,
but we have to bring
this back together, take
a plate, take a plate.
We need to exorcise some
demons and let go of the past.
We say goodbye to negativity.
Brian your call.
- Goodbye to negativity.
(plates shattering)
- Excellent.
Right, Chris, two salads
on the menu yes,
make them up and present them
to grumpy bollocks there.
- Mine broke.
- Thank fuck for that, right.
There's a strong possibility
of turning this around,
providing Brian lets them do it
and stop being such a
cantankerous old fart, fuck me.
(upbeat music)
Thankfully tonight is busy,
we're adding big
appetising salads
to make the menu more seasonal
and I've banished Brian
and Elaine to the bar.
So just explain to me
what you've got.
- Ah, tuna nicoise
and just slicing
the chicken for the
coronation chicken salad.
- Excellent, we'll
dress the chicken
with curried mayonnaise,
raisins soaked
in orange juice and
toasted almonds.
Nice and vibrant, perfect for
the summer, you know that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, good man.
And the salads are soon
flying out of the kitchen.
- Its nice and refreshing
not too heavy.
- Absolutely fantastic,
delicious.
It's a nice light meal this,
after a starter its lovely.
- The rustic salads should
give the competition
a real run for their
money if Brian likes them.
- Its lovely, yeah, I'm
just not a big chicken fan.
- Oh, for fucks sake.
- Try my tuna.
- This is my cup of tea.
- Its your cup of tea,
you're happy.
- Yeah.
- Just say that one more time,
I didn't quite hear that.
- I'm happy.
- Welcome back.
I'm glad that's come
back because
throughout that nice
big white smile.
You know the nice thing about,
that little tongue
just pops out.
(laughing)
Great with the air cleared
the staff are flourishing.
The salads are flying out.
Elaine and Brian are
taking a back seat
and they're watching the
business mature.
I just want a little bit
of encouragement
from them now, that's all,
that's all
that's missing that little
bit of come on girls,
come on guys, this is
really good, keep it going.
- Have you got good
feedback from the salads?
- Yeah, as far as
I'm aware yeah.
- I've got to say thanks Chris
and the salads were superb.
I'll tell you how much I
appreciate it,
just let that be for a minute,
this is something nobody's
ever seen me do
and I never do, come
here, and thanks mate.
- That's better.
- Well done you two.
- Thank you.
- Don't stop encouraging.
- I'll do my best not
to let them down again.
- Will you, you can do it,
and you must do it,
encouragement.
(upbeat music)
Christ almighty.
(plate shattering)
Here you go, oh no, no, Eddie!
- Goodbye to negativity!
(plates smashing)
Mine broke.
- Thank fuck for that.
in the Fenwick Arm
with Brian Rey,
the most eccentric fruit
cake I've ever met.
- Bollocks to pesto,
bollocks to Maggie!
I love plates.
- Its like the Queen
coming for fucking dinner.
This week I'm back in Lancashire
to see how they've coped.
You look dreadful.
- Yeah I get tired
- You look absolutely fucked.
The staff morale is at
an all time low.
- Why the fuck we can't all
work as a team I don't know.
(plate shattering)
- [Gordon] The team is in pieces
and I've got to pull them
back together.
But Brian is ready to
throw in the towel.
- I've just totally lost it.
I could quite happily walk
down now and close the doors.
(knife sharpening)
- [Gordon] The Lune Valley.
A wealthy farming
area in the heart
of the Lancashire countryside.
Home of the hot pot and
the custard tart
and a great location for
a road side pub.
I'm looking for the
Fenwick Arms.
A good old
traditional English pub.
Every day thousands of
punters speed past the pub,
it's slap bang on the
busy A683 between
Lancaster and Kirkby Lonsdale.
Pubs are now the nations
favourite place to eat out,
and Brian Rey has spent the
last 30 cooking pub food.
- I don't claim to be God.
I don't claim to be
Jesus, but in my business
and in my kitchen my
word is law.
- [Gordon] There's a
mint to be made
if you get pub food right,
but since Brian
and his partner Elaine
Howden took over
the Fenwick Arms
three years ago,
they've been haemorrhaging
money at the rate
of 1500 quid a week.
What's going on there?
One big over grown bush,
fuck me.
And here is the menu, okay,
shit.
This is?
- Elaine.
- Elaine, nice to see you and?
- Hello I'm Brian.
- Brian, how are you?
- Oh I'm fine.
- Good.
- Delighted to meet you.
- Likewise, good to see you.
- Very delighted.
God it's tight in here isn't it?
- Yep.
- So where's the restaurant?
- The dining area is this way.
- Follow us down then.
- [Gordon] This is supposed
to be a traditional
English pub but it's
full of tacky clutter.
And when it comes to
table settings,
Brian's got serious
delusions of grandeur.
God, extraordinary!
(royal music)
Not what I imagined as a pub.
- We used to have this just as a
small dining room with
four tables in it.
- God you look like
you've got the Queen
coming for fucking dinner, no?
Unfortunately no one's
coming for dinner.
But it's not for want of trying.
Brian and Elaine have thrown
everything at this
failing business.
- [Brian] We spend most
of our life down here
and it's in between 100 and
120 hours a week down here.
- 120 hours a week,
60 hours each?
- Yes.
- No 120 each.
- So what days off do you take?
- We don't.
- We don't.
- You don't take any?
- We had Christmas day
off this year.
- [Gordon] That was
your last day off?
- Yes and the day before that
was the previous Christmas,
and the day
before that would have
been about 18 ago.
- [Gordon] Jesus.
- I had six days off for a--
- Quadruple heart bypass.
- [Brian] But I was back
at work on the seventh day.
- Fucking hell, you were back
at work seven days later?
- Yes seven days after the op
I was back working in the
kitchen cooking.
- Are you mad?
- Probably.
- How old are you?
- 62.
- 62, for Christ's sake.
Brian is killing himself
over an empty pub.
This place should feel
laid back and lardy
but it's got all the formality
and awkwardness of a wake.
It's staid you know,
the atmosphere
is static and very dreary.
- There's our menu for
this evening.
- Thank you.
- Plus the additions of the day.
Care for a wine list?
Brian calls them additions
rather than specials,
he doesn't like to call
them specials.
- Fuck me, Christ almighty.
Well it's far from
being a pub menu.
God, Reg Johnson's corn-fed
Goosnargh duck breast.
Ribble Farm house Savoy cabbage,
rosti potato, Wellington
crispy apple chutney
and Calvados jus, fuck me.
Brian's trying way too
hard and his list
of pompous sauces is ridiculous.
I mean there's pure merlot
red wine sauce,
jus, Calvados jus,
Lancashire jus,
caramelised onions,
tartare, extraordinary.
You walk into a pub
and you expect
a steak and kidney
pudding, a shepherds pie.
I've ordered the simplest
thing on the menu,
a prawn salad, but
Brian doesn't do simple.
We'd like to point out
first and foremost
we're a traditional old
English pub, bloody hell.
That's steeped in
tradition there isn't it?
Let's see if Brian can
get traditional
with my main course,
but I'm doubtful.
It's Corcoran Rack of Lamb,
balsamic cherry tomatoes
and one of those
pretentious sauces.
How the fuck do you get in?
How do you get the lamb out?
Not only is this not pub
food, but it's plain awful.
Honestly it was like
chewing a fucking golf ball.
Brian's got a lot to answer for.
This is a pub isn't it?
- Yes.
- And that's what I had
to keep on telling myself.
A traditional old English pub.
So how many pubs
have you been in
that have served up over
reduced syrupy sickly
balsamic vinegar in a Z
shape over a square plate?
- [Brian] Probably none.
- A pub, or pub grub is the
next step up from, from home.
You know it's that basic.
Rustic, honest good
British solid food
and there's nothing traditional
about what you're doing here.
This is currently running
as a restaurant
that is confused, over the top,
I mean absurd beyond belief.
You're not running a pub,
it feels
like you're running a
restaurant badly.
Modern pub food is all about
simple home cooking done well.
I don't think it's
going to be easy
persuading Brian and Elaine
that they need to get
back to basics.
How are you feeling?
- Totally crap.
It was pretty
devastating last night.
Some of the things yes we
could fully accept and take.
But to be quite honest
the way we felt,
if you have to be
like that to get
to the top I'm glad I'm
at the bottom.
- I've got to be
brutally honest,
clearly you don't like
that level of honesty.
I'm not here for
confrontation and you know
if you're that
devastated on the back
of what you've been
through in this industry
for 30 years, I'm
surprised you're so weak.
After 30 years hard
graft, Brian and Elaine
should be reaping the
benefits but in fact
they're facing
bankruptcy and could be
homeless in three months,
they've got to face facts.
How much are you in debt?
- When we actually sat
down and wrote it down,
added it all up, put
everything into it
where you sort of
leave things out
so that you don't see it,
we're about
a quarter of a million.
- In debt.
If we had to close tonight?
- Uh huh.
- The situation at the
Fenwick Arms is desperate.
I need to find out how
Brian runs his kitchen.
Since his heart op his
memory lets him down
so he sets a timer for
every dish he's cooking.
And that helps you not to
forget when it's ready?
- Well it's not just that
it's giving you
an awareness all the
time of that time factor.
- So how many timers
have you got going on?
- Just one at the moment.
- We've got three going
at the moment.
- Three timers.
- Three.
- Brian's short term
memory is as awful
as the rich sticky sauce
he's coating every dish.
And this one?
- And that I believe is a
previous scrumpy reduction
we actually didn't have
a lot of cider.
- So it's a scrumpy reduction
without the scrumpy?
Appletizer reduction.
- With Appletize in there?
Appletize? Fuck me I feel sick.
(upbeat music)
I'm starting to
realise that nothing
about this kitchen makes sense.
- Have you got any mash
ready for us Nathan?
Have you got a bowl for that?
- While Brian runs round
a tiny cramped space,
he's paying top
whack to his most
experienced chef Nathan
who seems to just
put parsley on everything.
Is this normal or is someone
taking the piss out me?
This is normal?
- This is normal.
- I've never seen such a
chaotic and inefficient
kitchen and on top of that
there's Brian's
over complicated and
frankly ridiculous food.
Stone cold pate, stone
cold lettuce,
piping hot reduced red
wine sauce, parsley.
Hey you've got a fucking
brain haven't you?
- I hope so.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I like to think so.
- Is this pub food?
- No.
- Because I can't quite believe
I'm fucking standing in a
traditional English pub.
Brian's already had
five heart attacks
and he's running himself
into the ground,
cooking the wrong food in
the wrong way.
Your kitchen is a disaster zone.
It is fucking impossible
to get food out of there.
Well I tell you what big
boy you may be 62
but fuck me you don't
have to work that hard,
do you know that?
- It would be nice if I didn't.
- I swear to god
because that must be
a fucking nightmare in there.
(knives scraping together)
(silly music)
- The Fenwick Arms in Lancashire
has ideas above it's station.
It's a country pub
with aspirations
to be a fancy restaurant.
The dining room is set
for the Queen
and the food is pretentious.
And Brian Rey and Elaine Howden
are a quarter of a million
pounds in debt,
but they're still spending.
You've got the set up of a
restaurant, big coffee machine,
espresso, expensive bit
of equipment no?
- It was 400 pounds.
- 400 quid?
- Yeah.
- You bought it?
- Yes.
- From where?
- E-bay.
- E-bay?
- Yes.
- Brian's stuffed his
kitchen with so much
second hand equipment
you can't swing a cat.
Let me just squeeze past here.
Thank fuck you're small,
do you know that, huh?
That's what you do, you
look for chef's on E-bay,
look at their size,
their measurements
their weight then
employ them yeah?
Brian's DIY kitchen is a
cramped bodged together
disaster zone held together
with bits of string.
And he's hoarding problem goes
much deeper than I
first thought.
- I love plates, whereas
other people go
and have a holiday or go
out for a meal,
I save my pennies and
buy a plate.
- Jesus, fuck me.
Look at all those plates
there, wrapped in cling film.
Why are they wrapped
in cling film?
- To stay clean.
- To stay clean?
- Yes.
- [Gordon] What are these
plates used for?
- [Brian] Just some I
bought to play with.
- Some you bought to play with?
- Yeah I haven't played
with them yet,
just got the chance of
getting them so I got them.
- What are you thinking of
putting in there, salad, fruit?
- I don't know we'll
come up with some dish
and use them for that.
- No, no, no, come on you don't
serve food in them do you?
- Yes we did.
- Oh no come on, I
wouldn't even put
a fucking dog's dinner in there.
You don't serve food in them?
- We have done in the past.
- No, look at the size of it.
- They're big.
- I mean you can go tiling
with that thing, you know that?
We can re-tile this whole
establishment with these plates.
Just look what we can start
doing, in terms of look,
already starting to look
unique isn't it?
- And so you serve, what
Chinese dish on this one?
- It wasn't it was a
Japanese dish.
- Christ almighty.
- The tile glue didn't stick.
It's alright don't worry,
it was chipped anyway.
- Oh damn, damn, damn, damn,
damn, damn, damn, damn.
Every corner I turn I
discover another
of Brian's stashes
squirrelled away.
Now where did that
one come from?
- [Brian] I bought that
from Villeroy Boch.
- And what's that?
You don't serve food on that,
come on.
- [Brian] Yes we do.
- It's like a fucking
swimming pool for Barbie.
Now we've got one with three
compartments down the side.
- We serve the steak on that.
- You serve the steak on that?
- Yes.
(upbeat music)
- A life time of hoarding
calls for shock treatment.
For the first time ever we're
going to get rid of
that fucking junk.
Before I can even think
about changing the food
I've got to make some space.
Condemned, broken, chipped,
skip, yeah?
- Yes.
- This.
Where did you get
this thing from?
- E-bay.
- E-bay?
Tucked away in the
corner Brian's got
a huge disgusting stock pot.
It's the base for all
his revolting sauces.
That's gonna go in the skip.
We don't need to fucking
have the Shiraz,
the Merlot, we don't need it.
That for me is a hazard.
Brian's been collecting
kitchen equipment for 30.
He's never thrown anything away.
And even with me here to help
he's finding it difficult.
- Bit of a shock to the system.
A hell of a shock to the system.
- I've been trying to
get rid of some
of this rubbish for two
or three years,
but Brian will not part
with anything.
- I'm leaving Elaine in charge
of rebuilding the
kitchen while I make sure
that Brian's junk has
gone for good.
Okay why do you think
I've brought you here?
- I have no idea.
- You've got no idea?
Well see that skip behind there?
That's full of your junk
and I'm really worried
the fact that you're
going to put
half that junk back in
your kitchen.
So I've got to get rid
of it once and for all.
Go on get that stock pot away.
We're getting rid of the shit.
Look at it, stop hoarding crap.
- I think you've well
and truly made the point.
- The harsh truth is
that 20 rural pubs
close every month and if
Brian and Elaine
don't want to add to
that number,
they need to start making
some drastic changes.
I've got a huge amount of
respect for fucking Brian.
The guy's 62 years of age,
he's been cooking for 30 years.
He hasn't got a fucking
pot to piss in.
He's working in excess
of a 120 hours
a fucking week in the kitchen.
I'm sorry but for any man
of 62 that can kill you.
Clearing out the junk
was just the beginning.
Before I can start changing
that god awful food
I need to get this
kitchen working properly.
Look at the space you've
here like that,
hey we're going to
throw a fucking
dance in here in a minute.
I've got to do something
drastic, I need to clear out
one final thing from the
kitchen, Brian.
Brian big night for you tonight.
Don't be scared of the change.
You're not cooking in the
kitchen tonight.
You are out of the
kitchen for good
and you're more than
capable of running
your pub but not from
the kitchen,
as a proper publican as
a proper host.
- I will do my best.
- Please go and get changed.
- I will.
- I think this kitchen's got
a better chance without Brian.
He's got a young but
enthusiastic
team of three chefs,
Nathan, Karen and Chris.
I know how difficult
Brian is to work with,
that is so fucking obvious yeah?
He's gone now, yeah?
He's not running the kitchen
he's running his business.
Show him that you can do it.
It's essential that
the Fenwick Arms
has a friendly couple out front.
(bar chatter)
But I'm not convinced
Brian will be up
to the job after 30
behind a stove.
- Good evening, did anybody
tell you we've run out
of sea bass and we've
only got one tien left?
Right anybody any ideas
on what you're looking
for before we run out
of what's left?
- Oh dear not exactly
a polished performance.
Talk to them Brian
they won't bite.
But it's looking much
more professional
in the kitchen where
Karen has taken charge.
- One coriander, one
steak and kidney,
one duck, one chicken.
- Don't worry about
drizzling the plate
just sauce the fucking thing
please, there you go, good.
Even with Brian's
complicated menu
the food is flying out
of the kitchen
just like it should do in a pub.
They're doing a great
job in there,
now the problem is in
the dining room
and there's no vibrance there.
The atmosphere is
stuffy and formal.
Why on earth is Elaine
pouring the wine?
This is supposed to be a pub.
(upbeat music)
While Brian and Elaine
fuss over their customers,
there are empty tables in
the dining room
and the bar is filling up
with people waiting to eat.
They're never going to make a
profit running it like this.
They need to fill the
tables twice a night.
What's happening in the bar,
everyone's sitting in
there taking orders,
get them straight to the
fucking table.
Get them in that
restaurant, clear the bar.
- Can I pass you some menus.
Are these ladies part
of your party?
- Brian has got to loosen up
or we'll never speed
up the service.
First of all you guys,
yeah fucking well done.
I mean really well done.
My problem was in the
dining room.
Your service doesn't
need to be that formal.
If you relax the
service will relax
and that's not nit picking,
we're a pub.
What's wrong with them carrying
their own drinks
through to the table?
- Nothing wrong with that.
- You know yourself when
the atmosphere's not right,
you know it's not
running smoothly.
- Course you do and
we need to work
on that level of just a pub.
(cheerful music)
I've only got three days to go
and I've still got to
solve the biggest problem
at the Fenwick Arms,
Brian's food.
What is traditionally
English pub food, what is it?
- Well I suppose
English pub food
is basically scampi, gammon,
sausage,
that but that isn't
what I want to be.
- [Gordon] It's
nothing of the sort.
Fuck me what pubs
have you been in?
- [Brian] Not quite
so many since
I've ended up in one myself.
- It's rustic, simple
English cooking.
Whether it's a bowl of
split pea soup,
whether it's a
Lancashire hot pot,
whether it's steak and chips.
It is simple food.
- And that's where I've
lost my way then.
- It's time I pushed Brian
in the right direction.
See this on here? Twaddle yeah?
Absolute horrendous waffle.
I don't want to see the
Madeira sauce,
the citrus mayonnaise, I
don't want to see
a Calvados jus, no more sauces.
The pub will be serving
great British pub food.
- I've got to start
replacing some of
Brian's dishes with
good home cooking.
What's wrong with having
Lancashire hot pot on the menu?
Nothing.
- Nothing at all.
Where are we?
- Lancashire.
- Lancashire, and so why
is that not on the menu?
I've asked Brian and Elaine to
rewrite the menu
minus the waffle.
- Pan fried duck livers
just fried duck livers.
- Fish cake.
- Just put down fish cake.
- Potatoes on top, lots
of potatoes yeah?
Spread nice, good, give
it a little twist
to the bottom like that,
that mixes the onions
and the potatoes, yeah,
up on top and in.
What have you done for
the fish cakes?
- Salmon and haddock fish cake.
- Salmon and haddock fish cake.
- Salmon and haddock fish cake?
- Yes.
- And that's it?
- Yep.
- Wow.
Finally we're getting somewhere.
I feel that we're
really starting
to fucking understand
what pub means.
Progress at last, but
I don't think they'll
really understand what a pub is
until they've been to one.
So I'm giving them a night off.
Their first Saturday night
out in eighteen years.
Good right Elaine, Brian,
take the dogs for a walk,
don't worry about the service.
When you come back okay,
get changed yeah and come
and have dinner.
When was the last time
you sat in here
on a Saturday night and
watched your staff
at work and enjoyed your dinner?
- Never.
- Right okay, off you go.
- Thank you Gordon.
- See you later.
- Thank you.
- Yeah see you later.
Right now one last thing.
You're the only pub in Britain
that's got a fucking uniform,
get changed into your civvies,
see you in five minutes
ready to run the place yeah?
- There's a good boy, there's
a good boy, come on Elaine.
- I'm hoping that if
Brian and Elaine
experience a real pub atmosphere
they'll realise relaxed is best.
So tonight there'll be no fussy
service at the Fenwick Arms.
Good evening.
- Good evening.
- And welcome to the
Fenwick Arms, how are you?
- [brian[ Very well thank you.
- Good, good, good, you
can't come in.
- [Elaine] You too busy?
- No we're not too busy.
You're not here to
receive an OBE,
you're here to have dinner,
you're dressed too formal.
- So we'll go back again.
- As quick as you can.
- Right come on.
- Lovely.
- We've never been out
ever not dressed like this.
- Right come back with
something casual.
(upbeat music)
- Welcome to the Fenwick
Arms, come through please.
- Thank you.
- Cheers dear.
- Tonight they'll be
sampling the first
of my new real pub grub,
not a sticky jus in sight.
- It's a rather nice
colour isn't it?
- [Brian] You want to
taste this pate.
- It's good.
- That is to die for.
- The food has been a hit.
I hope they've finally
got the message
that they've got nothing to fear
from going back to basics.
You've got to show
flexibility and you can do it.
And getting you out
of this place
today was a breath of fresh air.
Just to relax the
place and the more
you can relax I swear to God
you will see your business grow.
Last night was a success.
I thought the Fenwick
Arms was back on track,
but this morning I've
discovered Brian
had gone behind my back
and jeopardised
every thing we'd been
trying to achieve.
What was his complaint
to you this morning?
- It was generally
that he doesn't
want to see any of his
plates being binned,
he doesn't want anything
being different.
He came round and took all
his knives out.
It was just generally,
this is our business,
this is our home, things aren't
gonna be changing as
much as everybody thinks.
We're still going to be
doing it our way
and nobody's going to say
any different.
- He's just stuck in his ways.
- I'm pissed off really.
- Unbelievable, two days to go
and he decides to
screw it all up.
At 62 years of age it's becoming
really fucking clear that you
can't teach an old dog new
fucking tricks.
(knives scraping together)
(upbeat music)
- I'm nearing the end of
my week at the Fenwick Arms
where I'm trying to save
Brian and Elaine
from the jaws of bankruptcy.
But just when I thought
we'd turned the corner,
Brian's gone behind my back
and told his staff he
won't accept my changes.
Now I want to get it
out with you now
because I don't mind going,
I'd rather go and see
my wife today
than sit here and fucking
bang my head against the wall.
If you're not prepared
to accept the changes,
you've got to tell me and
the nit picking.
Do you know what you've
got to balance it out
with some confidence and a
little bit of encouragement.
- As I said to them this
morning right,
just remember we are the bosses.
- It's not a power struggle,
you are definitely the owners.
Just cut them a little
slack you'll be surprised.
- You know what we're
acting like?
Small children, aren't we?
- Thank you, they're busting
their nuts off for
you right now.
- They're busting their
nuts off for you right now.
- That's not for me,
that's for you
because you pay their
fucking salaries, not me.
And when you're worried
about your Villeroy Boch
fucking plates that no
one's changing
fucking and come and tell me,
yeah?
Because I'll smash them
over your fucking head.
He'd better have
listened this time.
I'm only here for two more days
and my biggest concern is
that it's Sunday
on a bank holiday weekend and
the pub is virtually empty.
Here we are sat at a
quarter to, 25 covers done
and we should be having a
second seating
coming in now for Sunday lunch.
But thank God only 25
people are going to eat
the miserable looking roast
they're serving today.
It's coated in yet another
disgusting brown sauce.
Is that Brian's recipe?
- Yes.
- It's a revolting concoction of
gravy granules and
reduced red wine.
I may have kicked Brian
out of the kitchen
but unfortunately his
influence still lingers on.
I suppose we could always
re-tile the roof
with that fucker can't we?
Look at that, fuck me,
why is it so dark?
But the Yorkshire puddings are
actually pretty impressive.
What a shame they're
going to be ruined
by Brian's disgusting gravy.
(upbeat music)
- Turnover needs to increase
by at least 2000 pounds a week.
I think Sunday lunch
holds the key
to solving the problem,
but there's only
one thing Brian's
gravy is good for.
We're saying goodbye to the
gloop and hello to gravy.
Whee, Fucking hell we've
got some tarmac, okay?
One thing we're gonna do now
is make a proper gravy yes.
When was the last time
you made a proper gravy?
Years ago.
- Years ago?
- Yes.
- Fresh oil in there yeah?
And carrots, leeks, celery yeah?
And it's really important
to make the gravy
in the tray the meat was
roasted in, and now stock.
Beef stock, yeah, bring
that up to the boil.
Right and when I pass this
through a sieve
I want to see the
bottom of the tray
get nice and clean yeah?
What happens all the
vegetables start to go through
the sieve so it naturally
thickens the gravy.
Out and look, gravy.
This has given me a
great PR idea
that's going to
appeal to Brian's
eccentric personality
and give the Fenwick Arms
the boost it so
desperately needs.
The penny dropped for
me today you know that.
Why can't this place this
place become famous for gravy?
- Brilliant idea.
- Look at these things.
They're amazing, you've
got the amazing potential
to have a fantastic
Sunday lunch.
Bring back real gravy, this
place will be fucking heaving.
- How?
- Yes.
- How, you get on the streets
and you just announce okay
that you've got a campaign
to launch real gravy
at the fucking Fenwick Arms,
yes?
A campaign to launch real gravy.
Hey it sounds a little bit
fucking dolally
but why can't you just
turn it around
and get out on the street
with the team yeah?
- Yes.
- Give us a word.
- Yes we will launch
the campaign.
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
- As I hoped, Brian is well
and truly sold on the campaign.
- Join the campaign
for real gravy.
Join the Fenwick Arms
for real gravy.
- His troops are armed
with Yorkshire puddings
and jugs of gravy
and we're ready
to hit the streets of
Kirkby Lonsdale.
Yorkshire pudding and just
a little bit of gravy there.
Thank you.
- [Brian] Join the
campaign for real gravy.
- Sir, real gravy, there we are.
- No more jus's no more
sauces, real gravy.
Bollocks to Bisto,
bollocks to Maggie,
the campaign for real
gravy starts
at the Fenwick Arms Claughton.
The centre of the universe
for real gravy.
- Nice?
- Its very nice.
- Happy, good man.
- [All] We want gravy! We
want gravy! We want gravy!
- Bollocks to Bisto,
we want gravy.
- [Gordon] Great word of
mouth publicity is unbeatable.
And Brian and the team
have done a brilliant job
of making damn sure
the Fenwick Arms
is the talk of the town.
- [All] We want gravy.
- We want gravy, not just
any gravy but the real gravy.
- We re-launch tomorrow
and when word spreads
about the real gravy the
pub should be packed out.
- Join our campaign, real gravy.
- It's my last day and
there's still
a lot to do before
tonight's re-launch.
First impressions count
so there's no point
launching a big PR
campaign if the place
looks a dump when the
punters get here.
Have a look at that sign,
it cheapens the place
and it just sends the
wrong messages,
do you know that, huh?
And I want to see the
Fenwick Arms
so that banner you know
that's got to go
and the whole place just needs
sprucing up a little bit.
Jet hose the front and just
get it nice and vibrant.
(upbeat music)
- [Gordon] While the
front of house team
spruce up the exterior,
I've suggested to Brian that he
gets back on E-bay and
starts selling off
his huge crockery collection.
- I've got 10 of
those and they're
starting off at 46 quid each.
- [Gordon] Tonight we're
re-launching the
Fenwick Arms as a
great British pub.
The real gravy campaign
has done the trick,
bookings have been
pouring in all day.
- Good afternoon Fenwick Arms?
- On a normal Tuesday
night Brian and Elaine
would be lucky to get
20 customers but there's
already 88 booked in
for tonight's re launch.
- Eight o'clock, we could do it,
maybe going on
towards half past.
- In the kitchen I've
put together a new menu,
no nonsense, tasty British
pub favourites.
There's hearty pea and ham soup.
And the all time classic,
simple prawn cocktail.
A few prawns in the middle.
What's the secret of a
prawn cocktail?
- Good prawns?
- Good prawns, lovely
Marie Rose sauce
and a little bit of apple.
The apple and the
lettuce yeah just
really make it nice and zesty.
All these dishes use
great ingredients,
prepared simply and
presented without fuss.
Just like this
pressed ham terrine.
When you think about
something like a pub
you know it's rustic,
keep the food rustic yeah?
But in terms of presentation
dots and fucking bits and bobs,
get it on there, that's
it end of story.
t's time to show Brian
and Elaine their new menu.
I've replaced their
complicated fussy food
with 25 classic pub dishes.
Surprise, surprise, simple
straightforward
honest British pub food, yeah?
And nothing too quirky.
- I'm well impressed.
- Roast rib of beef,
stunning Yorkshire puddings,
jug of gravy, fish and chips.
Beautiful sausage and
mash, Lancashire Hot Pot
and apple and
blackberry crumble.
- I'm proud of what I can see.
- The secret behind
this menu here
and being completely
traditional in terms of pub food
is just the speed it can
fly out at, yeah?
With two sittings in
the dining room
the chefs will be
under pressure.
But it's Brian and
Elaine I'm worried about.
If they can't relax and speed up
the service we'll be screwed.
- Do we say our prayers now?
- I'm shaking like a
leaf inside.
I don't know whether I'm on
this planet the next planet,
but I'm definitely on a
traditional pub planet.
- He'd better be.
The pub is packed out
tonight but if
Brian and Elaine are
going to start paying off
their huge debt this
can't be a one off.
15 minutes from the starter
to the main course, go.
Two roast beef, keep it
up it's the first table.
Have you been waiting
long, no five minutes?
Gravy you're happy with?
- Gravy and Yorkshire
pudding's are sensational.
- Fantastic.
So far so good.
The kitchen seems to be
coping well under pressure.
Right how many have you done?
- I think there's
about 40 of these.
- Yeah over half way,
yeah keep it going yeah?
But out front there's a
disaster waiting to happen.
The bar is full of people
waiting to be seated.
Brian and Elaine haven't got the
first customers off
the tables yet.
You find it hard to transition,
it's not a
restaurant it's a pub,
so don't be scared after
one hour 55 minutes,
would you mind taking
coffee in the bar
or come and have a drink at
the bar, change those tables.
If you don't do that
in the next 15 minutes
we are going to be in
the fucking shit.
- Have you got a bill for table,
that one.
- It's been touch and
go but at last
the second sitting have
their tables.
The Fenwick Arms is buzzing.
The real gravy is
being lapped up
and traditional pub food
has hit the spot.
- I had roast beef and it
was so gorgeous,
with real gravy on it.
- Nice, lovely.
If Brian and Elaine can
keep up the pace
they might just pull this off.
- I mean hell it's a lot
of excitement.
The adrenaline is absolutely
pounding through me.
Evening all, evening.
- [Gordon] It's been a
huge success and finally
the penny's dropped for Brian.
He's realised that the kitchen
runs better without him.
- They've done it, I've
not been there.
I've not had to come in
and where's this,
where's that, where's the other.
And I am just so
proud of them all.
Wow what a night.
- [Gordon] At times this week
I seriously doubted it
was possible,
but tonight the Fenwick Arms
has been transformed
from a stuffy dining room
into a vibrant packed pub.
How much money did we take?
- The till.
- Yes.
- Told me we've done
2447 pounds.
- Yes, get in there.
- Fantastic.
- 2000 pounds more than
last Sunday lunch.
Brian what does that tell you?
- That changing the menu and
doing it simpler has worked.
- Well since I've been
here that was
the first night I
witnessed all of you
running a pub and I'm
not going to come back
to what I came and saw
a week ago yes?
- No you're not.
- No, there was one, one
little problem
I found a Barbie plate.
Please Eddie, wrap it up
in clingfilm dig a hole
and hide it yes, promise me?
- Good man, go. Oh no! Eddie!
(upbeat music)
It's a year since I was
last at the Fenwich Arms.
And there's been bad news.
A rival pub has just opened
down the road, the Highwayman.
My goodness me, that's serious
competition, beautiful.
Two great write ups and
literally five minutes
from Brian's doorstep so,
he must be shitting himself.
Right where is the
little fucker.
Hello, how are you my
darling good to see you.
- Good to see you too.
- And where is he, upstairs?
- No catching up, we call
it catch up day.
- On the computer?
- No.
- Where is he?
- Cleaning his oven.
- He's in the kitchen?
- Yeah.
- I don't believe it, for
god's sake, how are you buddy?
- I'm fine and you?
- Good to see you, been busy?
- Fantastically so.
- Good.
- I mean from when you
first came we were doing
about 23 to 40 on a
Sunday, but now we're up to
I think the most we've
done is about 260.
- 260.
- On a Sunday.
- In one day?
- In one day.
- Turning tables.
- Christ almighty.
The campaign for real
gravy has brought them
into profit and their
debt is slowly being paid.
But the Highwayman could still
rob them of their success.
How are you surviving
with that competition
on your doorstep now, are
your customers going there?
- Yes.
- Yes.
The first Sunday they
opened, I think we were,
we did about a 100
that day instead
of the solid 200 we'd expected.
- Whilst I'm very
happy to see you,
you look dreadful, you
look absolutely fucked.
- Yeah, I get tired.
- Oh dear, Brian's still
cooking three days a week,
but he's not the only
bit of knackered
old chintz that's back
in the kitchen.
They were gone, you told me
you were selling them all.
- Well we sold quite a lot.
- What's buried out
the back here?
- No, we don't use
anything else Gordon.
- There's got to be
plates wrapped up
in clingfilm somewhere,
under your pillow?
Oh, my God what are they for?
- Strawberries.
- Elaine's strawberries.
- Oh, my god, what are they for?
- Lemon tarts I think.
- Strawberries, lemon tarts yes.
The menu is also
slipping backwards,
its simple but no
longer seasonal.
Its June and they've
five pies on
that sound as old and
crusty as Brian.
Robust fish pie, a Lancashire
cheese and onion pie,
a herb with mutton and
pearl barley pie,
savoy cabbage and smoked
bacon pie, winter.
Name me one dish on
there that would
blow my mind away for a nice
summer's lunch in a pub?
- Don't know.
- Come on guys.
I've ordered the mutton
pie, just what you want
when its 30 degrees outside.
The pie looks something
like you really
want to eat but not in
the middle of summer,
in the winter, what a shame.
Who's responsible for
all these pies?
In the kitchen Chris is the only
remaining chef of his
original team.
There's so many pies on
the menu five of them,
we're in the middle of summer.
- Brian and Elaine wrote it.
Came in one night and it
was like that,
this is the menu you're
doing from tomorrow.
- He's fucking unbelievable
this guy, you know that.
If you had the choice what would
you see on the menu in a
perfect world?
- Ah, seeing its summer,
some salads.
- It makes sense doesn't it?
Yet again Brian is
refusing to see sense
by ignoring his head chef,
who knows
how he's treating the
rest of his staff.
- Not giving anyone any praise,
just criticised constantly.
I'm just a bit fed up of
it at the moment.
- There's no trust there,
he won't let us
run the kitchen how we know
we can run the kitchen.
- If it continues like this,
how long
are you going to continue
to work for him?
- If he doesn't change,
I'll look for a new job,
cause I've applied for one, so.
- I'm leaving as soon as I can,
two weeks.
- I can't believe all
our progress last year
is unravelling, I
warned Brian about
not motivating his staff,
and now he's got a
mutiny on his hands.
Its not fucking healthy Brian.
- I don't think I have
the strength.
I am just so bloody tired.
I could quite happily walk
down now and close the doors.
I've lost it Gordon, I've
just totally lost it.
(knives scraping together)
- I'm at the Fenwick
Arms one year on,
rival pub has opened on
their doorstep
and Brian's back to
his old ways,
serving wintry pies in June
and making the staff miserable.
My god you can feel
it in the air.
I'm only here for the day,
but I've got to try something,
I've ordered everyone
outside, we're going to
break the grip of Brian's
negativity on the pub
and his hoards of precious
plates might come in handy.
Christ almighty there are plates
fucking everywhere, what's
this guy doing.
Right, this is not the
happiest place
in Lancashire to work right now.
How many members of
staff that think
they're gonna be gone from here
in three months time put
your hands up.
Crikey, that's half the staff.
If this lot have to take
on the Highwayman
they've got to stand united
with the air cleared.
So I've ruled the person
who holds the plate
must tell Brian the truth.
Chris, what do you want
from the Fenwick Arms?
- Be given some space so that
we can do things, all of us.
I want Brian and
Elaine to go out
to enjoy themselves and
just trust us to do it.
I want to be able to sit
down and discuss the menu
and actually put some
ideas on it.
Last time we had a menu change
I didn't get anything,
I wasn't even asked.
- I'm surprised
you're still here.
Total respect, chef to chef,
thank you for hanging around.
Elaine how are you feeling?
- Low, the same as
everybody else.
Why the fuck we all can't
work as a team I don't know.
Its just gone, and I'm fed up.
- I know you're upset.
God, come on come on come on,
hey,
I brought everybody here,
outside because we
need a little bit
of respect for each other,
but we have to bring
this back together, take
a plate, take a plate.
We need to exorcise some
demons and let go of the past.
We say goodbye to negativity.
Brian your call.
- Goodbye to negativity.
(plates shattering)
- Excellent.
Right, Chris, two salads
on the menu yes,
make them up and present them
to grumpy bollocks there.
- Mine broke.
- Thank fuck for that, right.
There's a strong possibility
of turning this around,
providing Brian lets them do it
and stop being such a
cantankerous old fart, fuck me.
(upbeat music)
Thankfully tonight is busy,
we're adding big
appetising salads
to make the menu more seasonal
and I've banished Brian
and Elaine to the bar.
So just explain to me
what you've got.
- Ah, tuna nicoise
and just slicing
the chicken for the
coronation chicken salad.
- Excellent, we'll
dress the chicken
with curried mayonnaise,
raisins soaked
in orange juice and
toasted almonds.
Nice and vibrant, perfect for
the summer, you know that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, good man.
And the salads are soon
flying out of the kitchen.
- Its nice and refreshing
not too heavy.
- Absolutely fantastic,
delicious.
It's a nice light meal this,
after a starter its lovely.
- The rustic salads should
give the competition
a real run for their
money if Brian likes them.
- Its lovely, yeah, I'm
just not a big chicken fan.
- Oh, for fucks sake.
- Try my tuna.
- This is my cup of tea.
- Its your cup of tea,
you're happy.
- Yeah.
- Just say that one more time,
I didn't quite hear that.
- I'm happy.
- Welcome back.
I'm glad that's come
back because
throughout that nice
big white smile.
You know the nice thing about,
that little tongue
just pops out.
(laughing)
Great with the air cleared
the staff are flourishing.
The salads are flying out.
Elaine and Brian are
taking a back seat
and they're watching the
business mature.
I just want a little bit
of encouragement
from them now, that's all,
that's all
that's missing that little
bit of come on girls,
come on guys, this is
really good, keep it going.
- Have you got good
feedback from the salads?
- Yeah, as far as
I'm aware yeah.
- I've got to say thanks Chris
and the salads were superb.
I'll tell you how much I
appreciate it,
just let that be for a minute,
this is something nobody's
ever seen me do
and I never do, come
here, and thanks mate.
- That's better.
- Well done you two.
- Thank you.
- Don't stop encouraging.
- I'll do my best not
to let them down again.
- Will you, you can do it,
and you must do it,
encouragement.
(upbeat music)
Christ almighty.
(plate shattering)
Here you go, oh no, no, Eddie!
- Goodbye to negativity!
(plates smashing)
Mine broke.
- Thank fuck for that.