King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 7, Episode 12 - Vision Quest - full transcript

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and TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX
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Well, you obviously enjoyed
that sandwich, John Redcorn.

Now let me tell you

about a different kind of
sandwich you might enjoy.

At Strickland Propane,
we offer our customers

a sandwich of excellent service.

The meat...

Hank, I'm sure
your propane is wonderful,

but the reason
I met you for lunch

is because I'm worried



about the way Dale
is raising my son.

Okay, easy there.

Joseph is Dale's son,

and you have nothing
to worry about.

Joseph's a good kid.

Heck, he's Bobby's
best friend.

I saw him unscrewing
saltshaker tops

at the food court.

He ruined an old man's
taco salad.

Well, you know
how boys are.

Yes, but there comes a time
in every boy's life

when he must decide
to be good or bad.

And a big strong boy like Joseph
can be very good, or very bad.

He needs a vision quest
to guide him.



Vision quest?

All cultures have
a similar rite of passage.

Your people have a bar mitzvah.

Uh, we're not Jewish.

Really?

Look, if Joseph
needs something,

Dale's his father,
and he's going to
take care of it.

Come on, guess.

Bear or raccoon?

I don't know. Bear?

Ha! Trick question.

No one knows if the giant panda

is really a member
of the bear or raccoon family.

Tomorrow is going
to be the coolest
field trip ever.

Cooler than
the science museum

when Miss Cooper's
shirt fell open?

Is that what all
the laughter was?

I was in the giant ear.

Uh-oh.

Steve, Jake and Dave.

Hey, Gribble and Tubby.

Get your butts over here.
Now!

Hey, would anybody recognize
gangrene if they saw it?

Hey, Bobby,
where's Joseph?

Stupid Joseph.

What the heck was that about?

Oh, it's a very
difficult age.

Yeah, man,
I tell you what.

You talking about
all them raging
hormones, man.

Want to be a rebel
and still a kid, man.

Talking about
who am I, man?

(glass shattering)

STEVE:
Oops.

Well, what are you looking at?

I don't know.

But if it was a mirror,
I'd kill myself.

(laughing)

Whoa. Those were
the coolest kids
I've ever seen,

and they appear to be
friends with my son.

Dale, did you see
what they did

to Bill's recyclables?

Rude. Rude boys.

Pish-tosh. What's the harm?

The harm is

a little saying that goes

"One bad apple
spoils the bunch."

Well, looks like a whole mess
of bad apples

just got dumped on our kids.

You know who'd be
a good influence?

My son, Trey.

Last week it was Travis.

So?

You're cutting
the field trip?

You're going to get
in the hugest trouble
in the world.

Give your little pandas
a shout-out for me.

HANK:
Maybe Redcorn was right.

Joseph's falling in
with the wrong crowd,

and every group of bad kids

needs a heavy boy
to be the lookout.

And Bobby is so impressionable.

I hope he has the strength
to stand up to him.

Mom, Dad, I just saw

the most incredible
fabric softener ad.

Is the supermarket
still open?

Peggy, keep him here.

Did you know there
exists a softness

beyond any softness
you've ever felt before?

MAN (on phone):
Federal Reserve.
How may I direct your call?

You don't know me,

but I know what you're up to.

NANCY:
Sorry, Dale, didn't know
you were on the phone.

(gasps)

Dale, I don't normally
go in for that

"it takes a village" garbage,

but you've got a situation
with your Joseph

that I can't have
spilling over onto my Bobby.

I know, Hank,
but what can I do?

You can tell Joseph

he's not-to hang around
those kids anymore.

I can't do that.

This is his chance to be cool,

and you only get one chance,
Hank.

I know.

Whoa, there,
Gribble.

Where's the fire?

Say, "In our wife's pants."

Say it.

In your
wife's pants!

(all laughing)

In your wife’s pants!

I won't do it.

Those kids like Joseph,
and they're cool.

They're really cool.

Dang it, Dale, no one
likes being the bad guy,

but sometimes that's
part of being a dad.

I don’t want
to be a dad.

It's too hard.

Dale, you can't
just ignore...

Yes? This is Dale.

Dale, the phone
didn't even ring.

How good of you
to return my call.

Sorry, Hank, this
will have to wait.

REDCORN:
Thank you for reconsidering

a vision quest, Hank.

You think it'll
fix Joseph?

It fixed me.

There aren't too
many former roadies

who own their own
healing centers.

So, how does one
of these things work?

Think of a vision quest
as a purification process

to read the bod and mind
to receive wisdom.

(Indian flute plays)

One prepares for a vision
by fasting for 24 hours...

no food, no water, nothing.

Then, one must push the bod

to a point
of physical exhaustion.

To achieve this,

the seeker will often wander
the wilderness for man hours

until he collapses.

HANK:
Got it.

No eating or drinking.

Lots of hiking,
then he'll see something

that'll make him okay?

Hopefully.

In my vision,

I saw a majestic tree
blowing in the wind.

But the tree had no roots,

and was lifted up
and blown away.

(playing hard rock music)

Hey, Redcorn!
Green tube-top, row four!

I knew then
that the tribal elders

had interpreted
my vision correct,

and that wrangling groupies
for Winger

was no way to live my life.

So, I was thinking
I would take him

to Lake Buchanan
on Thursday.

Yeah, uh, I'm not sure

how well that's going
to work

with the whole,
uh, keeping Dale

from knowing
about your, uh...

hand in
Joseph's creation.

But, Hank, it's really important
that Joseph's vision

be interpreted correctly
if it is to guide him

to the proper life-path.

Well, then, I guess

I'll bring Dale
and the boys camping.

Joseph will have a vision;
I'll report back with the dream,

and you'll fill me in on
the sacred wisdom and whatnot.

It is a fair
compromise.

But, Hank, this is
an important ritual
among my people.

Don't half-ass it.

Hey, I never told you

what a great time
you missed at the pandas.

We got to eat
bamboo.

Then Clark Peters
made a butt-crack

out of his stomach fat,

and a panda totally
looked right at him.

Hil-arious!

Plus, I got this.

Her name is Pang-Ni,

and when I
bought her,

she was filled with
Chinese energy drink.

You know, Joseph, uh,
and, Bobby, and, Dale,

while we're here, it's important

to listen to what
the land is telling us.

Yep. You know, this land once
belonged to the Caddo tribe?

And the story goes that they
once offended their spirits...

Hey, speaking
of the red man.

It's John Redcorn.

Hey, what a co-inky-dink.

All of us camping here,
pretty funny.

Huh.

Oh, you mean,
funny-weird.

That is odd.

Well, I won't
keep you.

But, hey, remember
to listen

to what the land
is telling you.

Especially
Joseph.

I don’t think
I've ever been hungrier.

Yeah,
I never thought

I could go this far
without food,

but we’re doing it,
right, Dad?

Give us some food, Hank!

I'm starving.

Oh, blast it.

I think I left the food
back in the van.

Blast it.

(Dale and Bobby groan)

(Dale gasping)

Could you have picked
a site farther away, Hank?

Yeah, what
was I thinking?

Your problem is, you never
think about anything.

(coughing and wheezing)

Look alive, boy.

Why can't we just go to sleep?

Bears.

Hey, maybe Dale, Bobby and I
should go get some more wood.

Joseph, you stay here.

The only thing keeping you safe
from bears is this fire,

so don't fall asleep
and let it go out.

Whatever.

DALE:
I don’t want
to walk anymore!

How come he
gets to stay?

(wheezing)

There's wood.

We're passing all kinds of wood.

Wood, wood, wood, wood,
wood, wood.

Wood.

That's a weird word.

Wood... wood.

Weird... word.

Weird... wood.

Yeah, maybe this
is far enough.

All right, who
wants a candy bar?

Oh, thank God.
I'm starving.

Dale?

Wood... wood, wood.

Wood, wood, wood.

Wood!

Wood.

(Indian flute & tambourine
playing)

Oh, my God, Dale,
are you all right?

I see the buffalo!

I see the Indian!

I... am... the Indian.

Oh, dang it.

Dad, where the hell are you?

Dad?

BOBBY:
Your dad's
not coming.

He's rolling around on
the ground and eating bark,

and my dad's saying
"dang it" a lot.

This trip is so... sucks!

You know what
the land's telling me?

Wreck stuff!

(gasps)

That's your dad's
sleeping bag!

(Joseph laughing)

Look at it burn!

(growls)

Hey, Bobby,

I wanted to talk
to you about Joseph.

If, uh, if Joseph's planning
to do something bad

I want you to tell me.

Wait a second.

You want me to be a narc.

Bobby, sometimes

narcing is good.

You see that?

If Boomhauer hadn't called
me and narced on Bill

I wouldn't have known
he was in trouble.

Relax!

Don't struggle.

You’re just making
things worse.

Don't tell me
what to do.

I'm going to go
out there

and try to pry
that tire off Bill.

I'll probably get kicked
and scratched in the process,

but that’s what
friends do.

(knock at door)

Hello, my beautiful
Indian brother!

Can I come in?

I got a vision
that needs interpreting.

(sighs)

So I've heard.

Please, Dale,
that belonged
to my father.

Yeah, it's nice.

What's that
made out of,
rigatoni?

Bones.
Eww!

Anyway, try running
this vision through
the old noggin.

There was an Indian...

I couldn't see his face,
but he was a big guy,

about yay tall
and yay wide,

wearing a magnificent
buffalo headdress,

and he was making
love to my wife!

Dale, I'm not sure I...

Hold on, there's more.

I suddenly found
myself in a hospital,

watching Nancy give
birth to Joseph,

except Joseph was wearing
the exact same headdress

as the faceless Indian.

So, working backwards...

I fathered an Indian child,
therefore I am an Indian!

Okay, that's one interpretation.

So, do you have
a regular place

you buy your feathers
and bonnets and so forth?

(sighs)

It's a website.

Yep.

Yup.

Mm-hmm.

(war whoop)

Well, I'm just gonna come
right out and say it, Dale.

Something seems different
about you.

Something is different, Bill.

I had a vision.

I'm an Indian now.

Oh.

I always wondered why I hated

the federal government and loved
tobacco with such passions

but now it all makes sense.

Okay, time-out,
Sitting Jackass.

Have you looked
in a mirror lately?

You are the god dang
whitest person
I've ever seen.

I am the albino buffalo!

Deal with it.

Is this your lunch period,
or are you cutting?

'C-'Cause I'm
definitely cutting.

We're cutting
and making plans.

Tomorrow night

we are going to show

those stupid fat-ass pandas
who's boss.

We're gonna paint them!

Yeah, we're gonna paint
our names all over them.

(nervous laugh)

Bu-But those pandas aren't
gonna just sit around

and let you paint them.

That's why we're gonna drug 'em.

We got bamboo
soaking in NyQuil.

Hey, Joseph,
nice skeletons.

Knife through
the eye, huh?

That's probably
what killed him.

If you're gonna
give me a hard time,
do it fast, Bobby,

'cause I'm getting
out of here.

You're cutting again?

You keep it up,
you're gonna get expelled!

So? Steve's older brother
got expelled.

Now he's got his own business
filling vending machines.

Gets all the snacks he wants.

Hey, how about we go do
something really bad

after school together?

We could buy a pane of glass
and break it. My treat!

Wow. You'd do that for me?

My dad's got a new edger
we can use.

You know, Bobby, I haven't
been able to eat all day,

and I can't sleep.

Can I tell you something?

What's up?

(sighs)

Steve and those guys

are planning this big thing
at the zoo tonight.

What?

I shouldn't have said anything.

You can’t tell anyone!

Everybody, I'd like you to
welcome a special guest today.

A man from our local
Native American community

who took time out
of his busy schedule

to share a little something
about his heritage.

Good morning, class!

Or, as my people say, "How!"

I can see your Dad’s junk.

(low mumbling sounds)

(Indian flute music plays)

Dad! Dad!!

Everything all right, son?

I was just doing some farming
and I thought I heard something.

You're not crazy!

I just had one of those vision
things you were talking about!

Maybe I should go talk to
Mr. Redcorn like you did,

find out what it means.

You don't need John Redcorn.

As an Indian, I'm fully
qualified to interpret dreams.

Really?

Is the wind sacred?

Well...

I was running
with a herd of buffalo.

But I didn't run fast enough,
so I got trampled.

And one of those Pandas
was staring at me.

DALE:
That's pretty weird.

Well, I guess the panda
kind of makes sense.

Those guys, you know,
my new friends?

They were gonna do something
real bad at the zoo tonight.

I know what
the dream means.

The dream means:
Go with the herd!

Those kids are your destiny...

they could be your one shot
at coolness!

So I should try to do
what they’re doing

even if I think it's bad?

Yes. Yes!

No. No, you're not gonna
just run with the herd.

The dream means
you've got to run faster

and be even cooler than them.

But they're gonna paint
their names on the pandas!

I could never be
cooler than them.

'Course you could...
by killing a panda!

Yeah, but... isn't killing 'em
like a crime?

Absolutely,
for a white man,
but we’re Indians.

We can kill just
about anything

so long as we use
all the parts.

Hey, how'd you like
to go to school

wearing a panda head
as a hat?

Yeah, that would be cool.

Come on, get dressed.

We're going to the zoo.

What are you doing, sug?

Oh, I get it.

No time for that, cowgirl.

Joseph had a dream
about getting trampled

by a buffalo herd,

so we're off to do
something spectacular

to make sure
the cool kids like him.

Bail money's in the armoire
just in case. Love you!

No, no, Nancy,
the dream is a warning.

Dale's going to ruin
Joseph's life!

I have relied on others
to raise my son for too long.

No offense, but it ends now.

DALE:
Shoot, the gate's locked.

What was that chant
Redcorn taught me?

The one I used
to open the mustard?

(chanting):
♪ Hai-ya ♪

♪ Grey Poupon, hey-hoi... ♪

Dad, watch out!

The gate is open!

Thank you, gate spirit.

Oh, my God,
they're eloping!

No, sug.

It's about Joseph.

Can we come in?

500 years of oppression

and somehow I find this
the most irritating.

We must find Dale and Joseph
before it's too late.

(sighs)

I think I know
where they went.

Is it narking if I tell Pang-Ni
and you overhear it?

Bingo!

You can't hide
from an Indian tracker.

Let's move.

(groans)

Joseph's never going
to talk to me again.

You made a tough choice,
but you might have
saved your friend.

My people have a saying:
When we ask for strength,

the Great Spirit sends us
difficulties,

which make us strong.

That's pretty cool.

You like that?

Hey, pass it on to Joseph.

You know, if you want.

Either way,
it's no biggie to me.

DALE:
Joseph?

Yeah, Dad.

You are going to be so cool!

I know!

(war whoops)

Cool. Some dumb ass
left the gate open.

(war whoops)

Whoa, Gribble's gonna
shoot a panda!

Man, he kills a panda,

he'll be able to get
any chick he wants.

Joseph, put the bow down!

Please, sug!

Ignore the interlopers!

Focus on the hunt!

All right,
Gribble! Do it!

Kill that panda, man!

Let me get you in frame.

Okay, kill it!

The herd is pleased!

You have to make
a choice, Joseph.

Sometimes, a herd can be
the safest place there is,

but the wrong herd
can trample you.

STEVE:
Kill it, Gribble!

Kill it!

You heard him, kill it!

If I killed a panda at your age,
we'd be living

in the Governor's
mansion!

Wow.
Whoa.

I didn't mean to shoot!

It was an accident!

He won't catch a bullet.

I'm not shooting the panda.

Hmm. Like a lead buffalo,
strong, independent...

that will be your path.

STEVE:
Hey!

Boring!

All right, there isn't gonna
be a panda-killing tonight.

So, get home before
I call the cops!

I thought
he was a cop.

I'm not gonna lie
to you, Joseph.

It sure would have been sweet
having a cool son.

(yelling):
Hey!

Hey, cool kids,
look at Joseph smoke! Look!

Nah, they're gone.

You know, Dad, sometimes
the coolest thing to do is

make your own path
and not kill a panda.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry I narked on you, Joseph.

Yeah, well, sorry
I was such a tool.

(awning)

(awns)

Dang, I hardly slept
at all last night.

Then I had so much trouble
getting going this morning,

I missed breakfast and the bus.

CONTESTANT:
I'm gonna go with Bobby Panda
for the win, Tom.

TOM BERGERON:
Bobby Panda:
A recent survey found

that the most popular thing
Americans like to dip in fondue

is... what?

My mother-in-law!

(laughter)

(growls)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access. Wgbh. Org

DOOLEY:
He what a coinki-dink!