King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 6, Episode 7 - Torch Song Hillogy - full transcript
The Olympic torch is passing through Arlen on its way to Salt Lake City, so Peggy nominates Bobby to carry the torch. He loses to Hank, whom his friends nominated behind his back.
NANCY: [On TV]The Olympic torch is lit
from oie of the few eitities,,,
older thai the games themselves,,,
the sui,
The flame iow begiis its loig jouriey
from Atheis, Greece,,,
to its fiial destiiatioi,
Salt Lake City, Utah, USA,
Aid the first leg is beiig rui by Greece 's
very owi Spiro Thaiatopoulis,,,
who appareitly sa ved a whole herd
of goats from a ruiaway truck,
Boy, I've always been a sucker
for the torch-lighting ceremony.
That, and the four-man bobsled.
I just wish they didn't have to
sit so close together.
And remember,
Arlen is still looking for one local hero...
to carry the flame
as it passes through town.
You may drop off your essay at the station
or at any Pinky's Liquor.
Look at Spiro's run.
He reminds me of a young Hank Hill,
only hairier.
I'd trade a village full of Spiri
for one Hank Hill.
You took Arlen High to the Texas State
Football Championships, you did.
And we would have won it all, too...
if your ankle hadn't snapped
just two yards from the goal line.
Yep. Your dad's a real hero.
No, no. The guy who beat that shark away
with his own arm, he's a hero.
I've toyed with the idea
of being a hero someday...
either by doing something
or stopping something.
Then I'll get a trophy.
And then you'll have to build me
my very own trophy shelf.
Well, actually, Bobby, I already have.
Yeah, I started it
right after you were born.
And then, well, you know.
I tell you what.
The spider plants have thrived on it.
Oh, not too close, Bobby.
Those leafy green plants can suck
the oxygen right out of your body.
Boy, look at all Dad's trophies.
I'll never be able to win a trophy
or build a shelf.
Oh, honey, you'll be able to win a trophy.
I haven't won one yet
and my body's already starting to go.
[Bobby sighs]
Ow!
Hey, Bobby. Look who's here. Me.
Now, I know you thought
you'd never win a trophy...
but that was before this.
Congratulations!
All right!
Wait a minute.
I don't remember winning anything.
-I don't remember competing for anything.
-Oh, yeah?
Well, you won first place
in the international competition...
for being the best you
you could possibly be, huh?
You're one of the funniest people
in the house.
You get most of your clothes
in the basket.
And you always turn off the light
when you leave a room.
Frankly, the contest wasn't even close.
I don't know.
It all sounds pretty much like
just getting up in the morning.
Well, the great ones make it look easy.
Look, Bobby.
They don't give trophies
for being a sweet, sweet, sweet boy.
But they should. And they have. I did.
I'd like to thank my mother, my agent,
and my baby's mama.
Things didn't look so good
at the beginning of the season...
but they believed I could be
the best Bobby I could be.
I wonder who'll get nominated
to carry the torch through Arlen.
I think it ought to be that boy
down at the Waffle House.
His Jesus T-shirts are an inspiration.
And he buses those tables better than
most two-armed folks.
No, he doesn't.
Sausage, the breakfast of champions.
-Hey, that's my trophy.
-It's my trophy.
Mom gave it to me
for being the best me I could be.
And I graciously accepted.
It's a football trophy.
That's a running back fending off a tackler.
I thought you said it was me putting
my nerf ball away in the toy hamper.
Well, Bobby, it could....
Well, it was just sitting in a box
gathering dust and dust-mite feces.
So, this one is yours, too?
Oh, for crying out loud.
How many trophies do you have?
Look, Bobby,
I want to see you get a trophy, too.
But you've gotta earn it.
Now, most Little League teams
need a husky fellow to play catcher.
And you like to wear masks.
No, thanks.
Hank, I am just trying
to boost that boy's self-esteem.
You have a shelf full of awards
and a beautiful wife on your arm.
Why can't Bobby have a trophy, too?
You don't give someone an award
they don't deserve just to cheer them up.
Why not make every Super Bowl a tie
so everyone gets a ring...
and no one is ""bummed out""?
Hank, I am having a brainstorm. Bobby!
Honey, how would you like to carry
the Olympic torch?
-You mean it?
-Don't make fun of the boy.
I will write an essay nominating you.
I will open with a joke,
but not at your expense...
and I will close with a quotation
from the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
I'll go turn on your computer
and warm up the seat.
Good boy.
[Sighing]
Defacing my trophy was bad enough.
But now she's dragging
the Olympics into it?
Just because Bobby wears a cape
doesn't make him a hero.
It actually detracts.
The same could not be said
of your average matador.
I make a good point.
There are so many more
deserving people in this town.
She's just setting him up for a big fall...
Iike when we told Bill
there was a woman out there for him.
Hey!
Today is the day. They're gonna
announce that I get to carry the torch.
Although, to be true
to the ancient Olympians before me...
I should be nude.
Just in case you are chosen,
you're gonna have to run a half a mile.
That's about 500 trips to the refrigerator,
just so you know.
I know. That's why I've been training.
Bobby, you seem to have a hitch
in your get-along.
No, Dad. I'm speed walking.
The only Olympic sport...
endorsed by the American Association
of Retired Persons.
-Easier on the knees.
-Beautiful, Bobby.
[Car horn blaring]
Congratulations, sug'!
Oh, my God. I did it! I won!
I'd jump for joy but, you know, the knees.
Oh, what the heck?
[Bobby exclaims]
Bobby, you won.
Oh, dang it,
I just took our camera in to be developed.
To be fair, Hank, I wrote the essay.
But why don't you let this be
Bobby's moment?
Okay, who's ready for the big news?
Mr. Hill, you will be running
the Arlen leg of the Olympic-torch relay.
-Congratulations, Hank.
-Hank?
But, Mom, you said I was gonna
get a trophy.
Isn't that precious?
Now, give the torch to your daddy.
You must want the Hank Hill
from West Arlen.
Hold on. I've got some mail for him, too.
It's you, sug'. Congratulations.
I'm not trying to tell you
how to do your business...
but the Durndle torch guy cried.
Very moving.
So, how does it feel to be
the official torchbearer?
Are you filled with pride? Humility?
What are you filled with, sug'?
Arlen wants to know.
Mostly confusion. See, I didn't--
I will tell you what he is not filled with.
Shame.
For nominating himself behind my back.
I wonder what else you do back there
without me knowing.
Let's get some B-roll of me smiling.
I didn't nominate myself. I haven't written
an essay since high school.
And I specifically remember,
it was not ""Why I Should Carry the Torch.""
It was about hammers.
It's okay. You deserve it more than I do.
You're a good loser, Son.
Thanks. Maybe someday
I'll get a trophy for that.
So, Hank, if you did not write that essay,
who did?
I don't know.
Probably just some satisfied customer.
The identity of the secret essay writer's
a secret.
Until now.
Paragraph one, paragraph two,
Hank's signature.
What? Dang it, Dale.
You remember how mad I was...
when you guys washed my truck
without permission.
But you were right, Hank.
The torch should go to someone
really deserving.
And that's you.
Even if we didn't win State.
After all, Hank, America is not
just a land of opportunity...
it is a land of redemption.
[Sniffing]
-It's from the essay.
-Damn, that's good.
Hoist her up. Let's see how she looks.
[All cheering]
[Exclaiming in pain]
This salsa's stinging my cuts.
I'm fixing to bring out the tortilla chips.
I'm not gonna tell you again.
[All cheering]
How's it feel, Dad?
Is it everything I hoped it would be?
I don't want to be here.
And I wouldn't be
if Dale hadn't baked all day.
Well, then, you shouldn't have had
your henchmen write that essay.
Y'all want to see what Dale's been keeping
in the basement for the last 20 years?
[All protesting]
No, no, not that. I made him donate that
to the teaching hospital.
Boomhauer.
The year is 1979.
Every week the entire nation turns
for hope to Laverie aid Shirley,
Ted Koppel arranges to have 44 Americans
held hostage on a soundstage...
in Burbank by actors impersonating
lranian fanatics.
And Arlen's leading all-time rusher
is Hank Hill!
[All cheering]
The hopes and dreams of a small
Texas town in the state of Texas...
rest squarely on the broad athletic
shoulders of their star running back...
and his trusted towel manager.
Look at Hank go!
Running all over those men. He doesn't
care who he steps on to get his glory.
Nothing's changed.
Touchdown!
Okay, stop it. No one wants to watch this.
Hey, who wants to dance?
Dale, help me move that couch.
-Dang it.
-What's the matter, Hank?
You don't want to see the part
where you broke your ankle?
Film's a little grainy,
but I think you can see bone.
Yeah, man. It's like he's going back there
in the pocket...
and you'll see that old snap.
And then you hear that snap. Oh, man!
I don't want to see my ankle,
and I don't want to carry the dang torch.
-Anyone want to see Nancy in an art film?
-Sug'!
Dad...
someday someone's gonna make
the world's largest fruit pie.
And the next day...
I'm gonna get in the Guinness Book
of World Records for eating it.
Bobby, I'm not in the mood for riddles
right now.
I'm just saying I hope you aren't
backing out because you feel bad for me.
I'll have my moment in the sun someday.
But this one's yours.
You're a hero.
You took Arlen High to State.
I'm not a hero. I'm a disgrace.
BOBBY: Okay, your trousers are filthy.
But so were everybody else's.
Forget about it.
Keep watching.
[Bobby exclaims]
There's more.
That's amazing!
I didn't realize people
walked like Egyptians back then.
It's shameful, the worst kind
of useless showboating.
The only thing missing was an earring.
And on the very next play,
going for the two-point conversion...
that would have won us
the championship...
I broke my ankle.
God was punishing me for being prideful.
He didn't give me a fatal heart attack...
because he still wanted me
to sell propane.
But He made his point.
That's crazy.
God wasn't punishing you,
it was just a coincidence.
No, it wasn't. It was God.
Is this why you're so uptight all the time...
because you think something bad
is gonna happen if you act happy?
[Sighing]
[Mumbling]
Remember when you saw that bumper
sticker, ""Honk if You Love America""?
You smiled, pumped your arm,
and honked twice.
I do love America.
And your car didn't go off the road.
You're right. We drove home safely.
You know, he's only 13 years old...
but maybe Bobby is onto something
with this ""it's okay to feel good"" stuff.
Well, if Bobby says it's all right for you
to run with the torch...
I will not oppose him.
And I will not oppose you.
I will let you run unopposed.
I know running with the torch won't
get me on the front of a Wheaties box...
but it sure does give me that
front-of-a-Wheaties-box feeling.
Come on. Less talky, more walky.
Give me another 0.5 miles.
[Hank chuckling]
Hot or cold towel, Hank?
Well, my torch hand is getting
a little slippery.
Look at us, it's just like
when we were in high school.
You secreting, me absorbing.
And you know, these are the
very same towels from back then.
Hey, it's Hank Hill, the torch guy.
You were 12 across in today's
Arlei Bystaider crossword puzzle.
Will you sign it for me? In pencil?
ALL: [Chanting] Hank! Hank! Hank!
Come on. Give them a little taste, Dad.
[Crowd chanting]
Okay. Remember, honey,
you're going to be on TV...
so do not do that thing with your nose
that you're not aware of.
What thing?
I'm here live with Arlen torchbearer,
Hank Hill.
Which hand do you think
you will carry the torch in?
The right.
Did you give any thought
to any other hand?
No, I did not.
[Crowd cheering]
Sounds like the Durndle
Torchbearer approacheth.
Finally. It took him forever.
Well, they're not exactly swift in Durndle.
Oh, he is so brave.
[Crowd cheering]
Hank, wait!
Dang it, Dale.
This flame traveled 3,000 miles,
plus the distance from the sun to Greece.
You're tarnishing the spirit
of the Winter Games.
Au coitraire, I am inhaling it.
Remember, Dad. Haste, grace and dignity.
Now, move out!
Yeah!
WOMAN: Way to go! Way to go, Hank!
Oh, my God. Stop him.
He's running in the wrong direction!
Oh, no, he's not. He's not, people!
Everything's fine!
I'm so darn happy
I'd skip the rest of the way.
Thank you, Bobby.
[Whooping]
[Exclaiming]
Oh, no.
Hank. Have you been shot?
No. But I deserve to be.
Oh, my God! The flame is out!
The Olympics are over.
Those poor athletes.
All their training for nothing.
You see, Bobby?
This is what happens when you act happy.
Thanks a lot.
I was just trying to help.
Okay. I will go find an Olympic official.
Or would you like to
turn yourself in, Hank?
No. I already ruined the most important
game in Texas history.
I'm not gonna ruin these games.
All right, here's the plan.
I didn't fall and the flame didn't go out.
Is everybody clear on the plan?
That's not the real flame. That's just fire.
It's cheating.
No, no, it's fine.
It looks exactly like the old flame.
[Crowd cheering]
He's running with a flaming lie.
How am I gonna enjoy the figure skating
with this dark cloud hanging over us?
Bobby, if your father doesn't go through
with this...
the Hills will be forever known
as the family that ruined the Olympics.
Now, I can go back
to using my maiden name.
I have no idea what you will do.
Come on, Arlen!
Only 20 more feet and it's all you.
Yeah, you got it!
This is for the rings, baby!
What the....
Come on, man.
It's only a couple more steps.
Why is he slowing down?
He's 40. Cut him some slack.
Stop hot-dogging it.
You had your time in the sun.
Come on, baby. Give me some flame.
[Sighing]
[Crowd exclaiming]
[Booing]
What are you doing?
Oh, man. That is weak.
He put it out.
'Cause he's a quitter. I never quit.
Hell, I've been smoking for 30 years.
The flame!
My oral fixation!
But you don't understand.
That wasn't the real flame.
You don't understand. I lost 500 pounds.
I'm a hero.
Don't worry, Dad!
I'm coming as fast as I can!
This cigarette was lit
with the Olympic torch.
The flame lives!
-All right, Bobby.
-It's going out.
Mr. Gribble, smoke!
Hold on. Bobby, you earned it.
All right. The last guy put it out.
The bar's pretty low, Todd. You can do it!
That's right, Mc Maynerbury.
Brother running with the torch
and not a damn thing you can do about it.
For preserving the honor and integrity...
of the Olympic flame
and all it represents...
I hereby award this trophy to Bobby Hill.
I guess if you wanted to do
a celebration dance, that'd be all right.
Not now, Dad.
Now!
[Humming]
HANK: Okay, that's eiough, Bobby,
BlLL: Uh huh, Hey!
from oie of the few eitities,,,
older thai the games themselves,,,
the sui,
The flame iow begiis its loig jouriey
from Atheis, Greece,,,
to its fiial destiiatioi,
Salt Lake City, Utah, USA,
Aid the first leg is beiig rui by Greece 's
very owi Spiro Thaiatopoulis,,,
who appareitly sa ved a whole herd
of goats from a ruiaway truck,
Boy, I've always been a sucker
for the torch-lighting ceremony.
That, and the four-man bobsled.
I just wish they didn't have to
sit so close together.
And remember,
Arlen is still looking for one local hero...
to carry the flame
as it passes through town.
You may drop off your essay at the station
or at any Pinky's Liquor.
Look at Spiro's run.
He reminds me of a young Hank Hill,
only hairier.
I'd trade a village full of Spiri
for one Hank Hill.
You took Arlen High to the Texas State
Football Championships, you did.
And we would have won it all, too...
if your ankle hadn't snapped
just two yards from the goal line.
Yep. Your dad's a real hero.
No, no. The guy who beat that shark away
with his own arm, he's a hero.
I've toyed with the idea
of being a hero someday...
either by doing something
or stopping something.
Then I'll get a trophy.
And then you'll have to build me
my very own trophy shelf.
Well, actually, Bobby, I already have.
Yeah, I started it
right after you were born.
And then, well, you know.
I tell you what.
The spider plants have thrived on it.
Oh, not too close, Bobby.
Those leafy green plants can suck
the oxygen right out of your body.
Boy, look at all Dad's trophies.
I'll never be able to win a trophy
or build a shelf.
Oh, honey, you'll be able to win a trophy.
I haven't won one yet
and my body's already starting to go.
[Bobby sighs]
Ow!
Hey, Bobby. Look who's here. Me.
Now, I know you thought
you'd never win a trophy...
but that was before this.
Congratulations!
All right!
Wait a minute.
I don't remember winning anything.
-I don't remember competing for anything.
-Oh, yeah?
Well, you won first place
in the international competition...
for being the best you
you could possibly be, huh?
You're one of the funniest people
in the house.
You get most of your clothes
in the basket.
And you always turn off the light
when you leave a room.
Frankly, the contest wasn't even close.
I don't know.
It all sounds pretty much like
just getting up in the morning.
Well, the great ones make it look easy.
Look, Bobby.
They don't give trophies
for being a sweet, sweet, sweet boy.
But they should. And they have. I did.
I'd like to thank my mother, my agent,
and my baby's mama.
Things didn't look so good
at the beginning of the season...
but they believed I could be
the best Bobby I could be.
I wonder who'll get nominated
to carry the torch through Arlen.
I think it ought to be that boy
down at the Waffle House.
His Jesus T-shirts are an inspiration.
And he buses those tables better than
most two-armed folks.
No, he doesn't.
Sausage, the breakfast of champions.
-Hey, that's my trophy.
-It's my trophy.
Mom gave it to me
for being the best me I could be.
And I graciously accepted.
It's a football trophy.
That's a running back fending off a tackler.
I thought you said it was me putting
my nerf ball away in the toy hamper.
Well, Bobby, it could....
Well, it was just sitting in a box
gathering dust and dust-mite feces.
So, this one is yours, too?
Oh, for crying out loud.
How many trophies do you have?
Look, Bobby,
I want to see you get a trophy, too.
But you've gotta earn it.
Now, most Little League teams
need a husky fellow to play catcher.
And you like to wear masks.
No, thanks.
Hank, I am just trying
to boost that boy's self-esteem.
You have a shelf full of awards
and a beautiful wife on your arm.
Why can't Bobby have a trophy, too?
You don't give someone an award
they don't deserve just to cheer them up.
Why not make every Super Bowl a tie
so everyone gets a ring...
and no one is ""bummed out""?
Hank, I am having a brainstorm. Bobby!
Honey, how would you like to carry
the Olympic torch?
-You mean it?
-Don't make fun of the boy.
I will write an essay nominating you.
I will open with a joke,
but not at your expense...
and I will close with a quotation
from the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
I'll go turn on your computer
and warm up the seat.
Good boy.
[Sighing]
Defacing my trophy was bad enough.
But now she's dragging
the Olympics into it?
Just because Bobby wears a cape
doesn't make him a hero.
It actually detracts.
The same could not be said
of your average matador.
I make a good point.
There are so many more
deserving people in this town.
She's just setting him up for a big fall...
Iike when we told Bill
there was a woman out there for him.
Hey!
Today is the day. They're gonna
announce that I get to carry the torch.
Although, to be true
to the ancient Olympians before me...
I should be nude.
Just in case you are chosen,
you're gonna have to run a half a mile.
That's about 500 trips to the refrigerator,
just so you know.
I know. That's why I've been training.
Bobby, you seem to have a hitch
in your get-along.
No, Dad. I'm speed walking.
The only Olympic sport...
endorsed by the American Association
of Retired Persons.
-Easier on the knees.
-Beautiful, Bobby.
[Car horn blaring]
Congratulations, sug'!
Oh, my God. I did it! I won!
I'd jump for joy but, you know, the knees.
Oh, what the heck?
[Bobby exclaims]
Bobby, you won.
Oh, dang it,
I just took our camera in to be developed.
To be fair, Hank, I wrote the essay.
But why don't you let this be
Bobby's moment?
Okay, who's ready for the big news?
Mr. Hill, you will be running
the Arlen leg of the Olympic-torch relay.
-Congratulations, Hank.
-Hank?
But, Mom, you said I was gonna
get a trophy.
Isn't that precious?
Now, give the torch to your daddy.
You must want the Hank Hill
from West Arlen.
Hold on. I've got some mail for him, too.
It's you, sug'. Congratulations.
I'm not trying to tell you
how to do your business...
but the Durndle torch guy cried.
Very moving.
So, how does it feel to be
the official torchbearer?
Are you filled with pride? Humility?
What are you filled with, sug'?
Arlen wants to know.
Mostly confusion. See, I didn't--
I will tell you what he is not filled with.
Shame.
For nominating himself behind my back.
I wonder what else you do back there
without me knowing.
Let's get some B-roll of me smiling.
I didn't nominate myself. I haven't written
an essay since high school.
And I specifically remember,
it was not ""Why I Should Carry the Torch.""
It was about hammers.
It's okay. You deserve it more than I do.
You're a good loser, Son.
Thanks. Maybe someday
I'll get a trophy for that.
So, Hank, if you did not write that essay,
who did?
I don't know.
Probably just some satisfied customer.
The identity of the secret essay writer's
a secret.
Until now.
Paragraph one, paragraph two,
Hank's signature.
What? Dang it, Dale.
You remember how mad I was...
when you guys washed my truck
without permission.
But you were right, Hank.
The torch should go to someone
really deserving.
And that's you.
Even if we didn't win State.
After all, Hank, America is not
just a land of opportunity...
it is a land of redemption.
[Sniffing]
-It's from the essay.
-Damn, that's good.
Hoist her up. Let's see how she looks.
[All cheering]
[Exclaiming in pain]
This salsa's stinging my cuts.
I'm fixing to bring out the tortilla chips.
I'm not gonna tell you again.
[All cheering]
How's it feel, Dad?
Is it everything I hoped it would be?
I don't want to be here.
And I wouldn't be
if Dale hadn't baked all day.
Well, then, you shouldn't have had
your henchmen write that essay.
Y'all want to see what Dale's been keeping
in the basement for the last 20 years?
[All protesting]
No, no, not that. I made him donate that
to the teaching hospital.
Boomhauer.
The year is 1979.
Every week the entire nation turns
for hope to Laverie aid Shirley,
Ted Koppel arranges to have 44 Americans
held hostage on a soundstage...
in Burbank by actors impersonating
lranian fanatics.
And Arlen's leading all-time rusher
is Hank Hill!
[All cheering]
The hopes and dreams of a small
Texas town in the state of Texas...
rest squarely on the broad athletic
shoulders of their star running back...
and his trusted towel manager.
Look at Hank go!
Running all over those men. He doesn't
care who he steps on to get his glory.
Nothing's changed.
Touchdown!
Okay, stop it. No one wants to watch this.
Hey, who wants to dance?
Dale, help me move that couch.
-Dang it.
-What's the matter, Hank?
You don't want to see the part
where you broke your ankle?
Film's a little grainy,
but I think you can see bone.
Yeah, man. It's like he's going back there
in the pocket...
and you'll see that old snap.
And then you hear that snap. Oh, man!
I don't want to see my ankle,
and I don't want to carry the dang torch.
-Anyone want to see Nancy in an art film?
-Sug'!
Dad...
someday someone's gonna make
the world's largest fruit pie.
And the next day...
I'm gonna get in the Guinness Book
of World Records for eating it.
Bobby, I'm not in the mood for riddles
right now.
I'm just saying I hope you aren't
backing out because you feel bad for me.
I'll have my moment in the sun someday.
But this one's yours.
You're a hero.
You took Arlen High to State.
I'm not a hero. I'm a disgrace.
BOBBY: Okay, your trousers are filthy.
But so were everybody else's.
Forget about it.
Keep watching.
[Bobby exclaims]
There's more.
That's amazing!
I didn't realize people
walked like Egyptians back then.
It's shameful, the worst kind
of useless showboating.
The only thing missing was an earring.
And on the very next play,
going for the two-point conversion...
that would have won us
the championship...
I broke my ankle.
God was punishing me for being prideful.
He didn't give me a fatal heart attack...
because he still wanted me
to sell propane.
But He made his point.
That's crazy.
God wasn't punishing you,
it was just a coincidence.
No, it wasn't. It was God.
Is this why you're so uptight all the time...
because you think something bad
is gonna happen if you act happy?
[Sighing]
[Mumbling]
Remember when you saw that bumper
sticker, ""Honk if You Love America""?
You smiled, pumped your arm,
and honked twice.
I do love America.
And your car didn't go off the road.
You're right. We drove home safely.
You know, he's only 13 years old...
but maybe Bobby is onto something
with this ""it's okay to feel good"" stuff.
Well, if Bobby says it's all right for you
to run with the torch...
I will not oppose him.
And I will not oppose you.
I will let you run unopposed.
I know running with the torch won't
get me on the front of a Wheaties box...
but it sure does give me that
front-of-a-Wheaties-box feeling.
Come on. Less talky, more walky.
Give me another 0.5 miles.
[Hank chuckling]
Hot or cold towel, Hank?
Well, my torch hand is getting
a little slippery.
Look at us, it's just like
when we were in high school.
You secreting, me absorbing.
And you know, these are the
very same towels from back then.
Hey, it's Hank Hill, the torch guy.
You were 12 across in today's
Arlei Bystaider crossword puzzle.
Will you sign it for me? In pencil?
ALL: [Chanting] Hank! Hank! Hank!
Come on. Give them a little taste, Dad.
[Crowd chanting]
Okay. Remember, honey,
you're going to be on TV...
so do not do that thing with your nose
that you're not aware of.
What thing?
I'm here live with Arlen torchbearer,
Hank Hill.
Which hand do you think
you will carry the torch in?
The right.
Did you give any thought
to any other hand?
No, I did not.
[Crowd cheering]
Sounds like the Durndle
Torchbearer approacheth.
Finally. It took him forever.
Well, they're not exactly swift in Durndle.
Oh, he is so brave.
[Crowd cheering]
Hank, wait!
Dang it, Dale.
This flame traveled 3,000 miles,
plus the distance from the sun to Greece.
You're tarnishing the spirit
of the Winter Games.
Au coitraire, I am inhaling it.
Remember, Dad. Haste, grace and dignity.
Now, move out!
Yeah!
WOMAN: Way to go! Way to go, Hank!
Oh, my God. Stop him.
He's running in the wrong direction!
Oh, no, he's not. He's not, people!
Everything's fine!
I'm so darn happy
I'd skip the rest of the way.
Thank you, Bobby.
[Whooping]
[Exclaiming]
Oh, no.
Hank. Have you been shot?
No. But I deserve to be.
Oh, my God! The flame is out!
The Olympics are over.
Those poor athletes.
All their training for nothing.
You see, Bobby?
This is what happens when you act happy.
Thanks a lot.
I was just trying to help.
Okay. I will go find an Olympic official.
Or would you like to
turn yourself in, Hank?
No. I already ruined the most important
game in Texas history.
I'm not gonna ruin these games.
All right, here's the plan.
I didn't fall and the flame didn't go out.
Is everybody clear on the plan?
That's not the real flame. That's just fire.
It's cheating.
No, no, it's fine.
It looks exactly like the old flame.
[Crowd cheering]
He's running with a flaming lie.
How am I gonna enjoy the figure skating
with this dark cloud hanging over us?
Bobby, if your father doesn't go through
with this...
the Hills will be forever known
as the family that ruined the Olympics.
Now, I can go back
to using my maiden name.
I have no idea what you will do.
Come on, Arlen!
Only 20 more feet and it's all you.
Yeah, you got it!
This is for the rings, baby!
What the....
Come on, man.
It's only a couple more steps.
Why is he slowing down?
He's 40. Cut him some slack.
Stop hot-dogging it.
You had your time in the sun.
Come on, baby. Give me some flame.
[Sighing]
[Crowd exclaiming]
[Booing]
What are you doing?
Oh, man. That is weak.
He put it out.
'Cause he's a quitter. I never quit.
Hell, I've been smoking for 30 years.
The flame!
My oral fixation!
But you don't understand.
That wasn't the real flame.
You don't understand. I lost 500 pounds.
I'm a hero.
Don't worry, Dad!
I'm coming as fast as I can!
This cigarette was lit
with the Olympic torch.
The flame lives!
-All right, Bobby.
-It's going out.
Mr. Gribble, smoke!
Hold on. Bobby, you earned it.
All right. The last guy put it out.
The bar's pretty low, Todd. You can do it!
That's right, Mc Maynerbury.
Brother running with the torch
and not a damn thing you can do about it.
For preserving the honor and integrity...
of the Olympic flame
and all it represents...
I hereby award this trophy to Bobby Hill.
I guess if you wanted to do
a celebration dance, that'd be all right.
Not now, Dad.
Now!
[Humming]
HANK: Okay, that's eiough, Bobby,
BlLL: Uh huh, Hey!