King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 6, Episode 14 - Of Mice and Little Green Men - full transcript

[birds chirping]

I heard a funny joke the other day.

It seems a doctor, a lawyer,
and a gentleman from Oklahoma--

I told you that joke. I want to tell it.

You'll just ruin it. Let Hank tell it.

It's my joke! I'm gonna tell it.

There was this doctor. And then....

[groaning]

[chuckling]
That was pretty funny. Tell it again.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Whoa! What the heck kind of ball is this?



Sorry. I'm trying out for the lacrosse team.

My son, the jock.

With me and your mother as parents,
I don't know how you got so athletic.

[car radio playing]

Hey, John Redcorn.

Well, okay, son.
Just be more careful where you're aiming.

If Bill wasn't standing there,
you would've hit Hank's truck.

I just want to thank you all again
for having me over tonight.

Bill, any time you have a mild concussion,
you are welcome at this dinner table.

Ma, would you pass the taters, please?

What did I tell you about funny voices
at the dinner table?

Hank, he is in character.

The Arlen Public Library presents
OfMice aid Mei,,,

next Friday and Saturday only.



Of course, you would know that...

if you read my ""What's Happening"" corner
of the refrigerator.

I'm one of the two leads.

The play's about a hard-working
regular Joe and his slow-witted friend.

Yeah, I know a little bit about that.

Perfect.

Maybe after dinner
we can rehearse together.

I've been looking for a vehicle
for the two of us.

I'm kind of busy after dinner
with dessert and all.

Why don't you ask your mother to help?

She's good at that kind of creative stuff.

Actually, I'm great at it.

I played the lead
in my high school production of Grease,

Danny Zuko.

There you go, Bobby.

Your mom's a substitute actor, too.

You know, I'd love to.
But what I really want to do next is direct.

Break a leg, Hank.

[groaning]

Great! I'm George, you'll be Lennie.

""You want me to tell you
about the rabbits?""

Is that what I'm eating? Rabbits?

Because I can't taste a thing
with this broken nose.

It's macaroni and cheese, Bill.

Oh, l....

[screaming]
Hot rabbits!

[shouting]

Joseph, you've gotta be more careful
with that thing.

It wasn't me. My dad did it.

Thanks a lot, son.

You should try out
for the gymnastics team.

You're pretty good at rolling over.

I'm in over my head, Hank.

I ran out of advice after I told him
to hold the stick like a giant cigarette.

Heads up, Dad.

[moans]

Good hands, Mr. Hill.

[chuckling]
So, what do you do? You just flick it?

It's all about the follow-through.

Well, so much for rehearsing
my play with Dad.

No, honey. I'm sure
your father will be back any minute.

He probably went to the hardware store
to fix the window...

so we won't be murdered in our sleep.

(Joseph) Heads up!

Nice one, Mr. Hill.

(Hank) Nice.

What are you guys doing?
Catching butterflies?

Sorry, Joseph.

I've gotta go play make-believe
with Bobby.

Thanks for the tips.
Maybe I can try them out with my dad.

Whoa, wait a minute, Hank.

I noticed when you threw the ball
to Joseph that it went to Joseph.

Seems to me that
it would be good for him...

to practice with a man who can do that.

Yeah. I suppose it would, but I'm supposed
to rehearse with Bobby and....

Hey, Dale, you always go to that
dinner theater with your gun-club buddies.

Every Wednesday night.

You think you could give Bobby
some pointers on acting?

Could l? Yes.

Will l? Yes.

Bobby, good news.

It turns out that Mr. Gribble is
one of Arlen's great acting rehearsers.

-And he's willing to work with you.
-Oh.

Okay.

So, we're doing OfMice aid Mei, huh?

I saw the dinner theater version of it.

The roast beef was fantastic.

This is a keeper.

""That's right. It's gonna be nice there.

""Ain't gonna be no trouble. No fights.

""Nobody ever gonna hurt nobody,
or steal from them.

""It's gonna be nice.""

[sniffs]

Bravo, Bobby, bravo.

That's the best performance...

since Michael Caine's ether-huffing
abortionist in The Cider House Rules,

Bobby, I thought your father was
going to rehearse with you.

It's okay.

Mr. Gribble's an excellent acting coach.

He's showing me how to channel
my disappointment in Dad into great art.

[doorbell rings]

Hey, dude.

I mean, Mrs. Hill.

Dale, your son is here for you.

Actually, I came to see Mr. Hill.

Okay, Joseph. Tryouts are coming up...

so I made you a lacrosse goal.

I used Bobby's stuffed-animal hammock
and the guardrail from his bed.

(Dale) Let's go, Bobby. From the top.

And, remember, smaller and realer.

This isn't Guys aid Dolls,

(Peggy) Hank, you are not Joseph's father.

Dale is Joseph's father.

Actually, John Redcorn is Joseph's father,
but Dale doesn't know that.

The point is, you are only his godfather.

You are not supposed to take over for Dale
until he is gunned down by federal agents.

That is the agreement.

I'm not taking over.
I'm just helping the boy make a team.

If Bobby were trying out for a team,
I'd help him, too.

You know very well
that is not gonna happen.

[sighing] I know.

(director) Two miiutes to curtaii,
Take your seats, please,

Cai we have everybody sittiig dowi?
Thaik you,

-Excuse me. Is that seat free?
-No.

That seat is reserved for the father
of the star of the show.

I am the stage mother, Peggy Hill.

Please clear the aisle.

Sorry. I had to stop by the bathroom
to throw up.

Are you as nervous for Bobby as I am?

Dale, if you want to make this
a competition, I will win.

So, where's your better half?

Well, he must be off
dealing with a propane emergency.

As a propane wife,
you'd think I'd be used to it by now.

But I am not.

[kids screaming]

-[whooping] Go, Joseph!
-Go, Joseph, go!

Yeah!

That's my neighbor's boy.

Where's Dad?

I was hoping he'd take
infrared footage of the game.

I don't think he made it, sug'.

Maybe he locked himself out of
or in something.

Bobby, what a great performance.

Your mother and I have
never been prouder of you.

I just wish my dad had been there
to see it.

He would have loved it.

What you were doing with your hands
in that second scene...masterful.

I don't know what to do with my hands
in real life.

That's why I smoke.

I solved the hand problem
back in high school when I was in Grease,

I kept them in my pockets.

I took them out only to hand jive.

Dad?

Bobby?

-Dad?
-Joseph?

[country music playing]

[people chattering]

Well, this is awkward.

[moaning]

Mind if I smoke?

-Yep.
-Yep.

[sighing]

The play.

We really stepped in it
and walked around the carpet this time.

Poor Joseph.

Can you send a 13-year-old boy
a bouquet of flowers?

Is that appropriate?

Well, if the boy is my boy, you can.

Now, why am I knocking Bobby?

We're the ones who are having trouble
with our kids...

communicating the, you know,
the emotional whatnots.

Sometimes I ask myself
why I even bother.

I mean, it's not like Joseph's even my son.

[coughs]

What? That's crazy.

Why would you say something like that?

Now that Joseph's hit puberty,
the differences are impossible to ignore.

We don't look alike,
we don't have the same interests.

Come on.

Sometimes I think the only thing Bobby
and I have in common is our waist size.

True. But get this.

I recently saw on the Discovery Channel
that it takes nine months to make a baby.

Well, nine months before
Joseph was born...

me and my reproductive organs...

were 500 miles away in Marfa, Texas.

For years, alien spaceships have appeared
in the skies above Marfa.

The luiatic friige have dismissed
these so-called Marfa Lights,,,

as swamp gas, experimeital aircraft
or weather balloois,

So I weit oi a research trip
to debuik these wacko theories,

Naicy had a horrible headache
aid couldi 't tra vel,,,

so I asked John Redcorn to stay at
the house to protect her while I was gone.

I thought I was being so smart...

but I have never been so stupid.

Oh, Dale, I'm so sorry.

The truth has been right in front of me
all these years.

-Joseph's real father is...
-Nancy loves you!

...an alien!

What?

The aliens knew I was getting
too close to the truth.

Exactly what truth, I have no idea.

But I was close,

They had to do somethiig to distract me,

Aid what better way
thai a lifeloig distractioi?

A child,

So they impregiated Naicy
with their highly poteit space juice,

As iefarious schemes oftei do, it worked,

For the past 13 years, I ha ve beei too busy
raisiig ai alleged soi,,,

to maiitaii coistait surveillaice,

[screaming]

I really don't think Joseph is an alien child.

Well, I didn't impregnate Nancy.

So who did, huh?

You got a better explanation?

[stuttering]

Well, no.

What other explanation could there be?

Yep. Spacemen.

Okay.

So the reason why
I don't relate to my son...

is that he is an extraterrestrial being.

I don't know what your problem
with Bobby is.

I guess you're just a crappy dad.

(Hank) Bobby?

I know how important
that play was to you.

And it was wrong of me to miss it.

I wouldn't do that to a customer,
and I shouldn't have done it to my son.

So get used to this sound.

Because I'll be doing a lot of that
at your next show.

Well, that's very kind of you...

but Mr. Sutter from the bank
got transferred to a branch in Durndle...

so we have no idiot man-child.

Therefore we have no show.

Dang it! Dang it!

I really wanted to see that show.

I heard such good things
from your mother.

Dang it! Oh, well.

If you're that good
at pretending to be upset...

maybe you might be good at pretending
to be a gentle giant...

with the mind of a 5-year-old.

Bobby, I'm no actor.

Yeah. But can you at least act like a dad?

I learned that from Mr. Gribble.

But I should have learned it from you.

[sniffling]

Okay. I'll do it.

[grunting]

Joseph, I've got something
that we really need to....

Could you stop doing that thing
where you lift the weights?

What do you want?

[sighing]

This is the hardest conversation
I've ever had.

Maybe I should just blurt it out.

No, I'll pussyfoot around.

Boy! This weather sure has been....
Joseph, you're an alien.

What are you talking about?

Creatures from outer space
impregnated your mother.

-I am not your real father.
-Of course you are.

Just because you're a spaz
at playing lacrosse, that doesn't mean--

Come on! This is great news.

For two humans, we get along terribly.

But for two different species,
we're doing mediocre to good.

This doesn't make any sense.

You're telling me
I'm from outer space like E.T.?

Actually, no.

He was a purebred alien
and had a heart of gold.

You're only half-alien
and at times can be a tad self-absorbed.

You missed my damn tryouts
and now you're calling me self-absorbed?

Oh, God! I have displeased you.

Okay, I'll double, no, triple your allowance.

And when your people return
to wipe out the human race...

maybe you can convince them
to spare our lives.

Your mother's sturdy.
She can work in the mines.

And me? Well, I'd make an excellent pet.

(Bobby) ""And when we put in a crop...

""why, we'd be there to take that crop up.

""We'd know what come of our planting.

""And rabbits.""

""You'd fill up the sack and bring it in
and put it in the rabbit cages.""

""They'd nibble and they'd nibble
the way they do.

""I've seen them.""

We're really good together, Dad.

Hey, let's practice our bows. You go first.

Yeah, Dad! Bravo!

Mom, have you got a minute?

What's up, little sug'?

-ls Dad my real dad?
-What?

Of course he is.

Why would you say something like that?
He's your dad.

He's your dad. Okay?
He's your dad. Okay?

-Okay.
-Okay.

(Joseph) Well, she was scared, Bobby.

The kind of scared you only see
in Earth women...

who've given birth
to half-human/half-alien babies.

Joseph, you are not an alien.

You're being crazy.

I knew you were gonna say that.

Oh, no! I have ESP.

What's happening to me?

[grunting]

Greetings, Your Alien Excellency.

I bought you a brand new TV.

No reason. Just because.

Enjoy.

He's just being nice...

so my real dad won't freeze him
in carbonite and trade him for spice.

It's not like he really wants me here.

Where are you going?

I'm tired of being a freak.

I need to go and live among my own kind.

I need to go home.

Places, everyone.

Hold on. Where's Bobby?

Well, I thought he was with you.

No. I had to come early for body makeup.

Oh, no! Where am I gonna find a George
at the last minute?

-I'll do it.
-Wait a minute.

I was just doing this for my son.

If he's not here, I resign my part.

Hank, the show must go on.

We have a roomful of seniors
from Garrity and Sons nursing home.

And we may have told them
this was Broadway.

I don't want them to be disappointed.

But, l....

Lennie, for God's sake,
don't drink so much.

That's good.

You drink some, George.

You drink some, too.

I ain't sure it's good water.

Looks kind of scummy to me.

That line could be better.

Who wrote this crap?

This is not like Bobby.

He was so excited
about doing the play with you.

Is it possible he got a better part
in another play?

[sighs] That little....

If he wanted to make his old man
look like a jackass...

well, he finally did something right.

-The alien has escaped!
-What?

Joseph. He's gone to Marfa,
and he's taken Bobby with him.

Probably as food.

That UFO place?

Oh, God!

And, FYl, Boomhauer said
he could see your nipples on stage.

Let's go!

[moaning]

I hope my alien dad loves me
more than my real dad.

So, what happens now?

A flying saucer drops out of the sky...

some little green man
in a tinfoil jumpsuit says, ""Gleep glop""...

and you say, ""Bleep bloop,""
and then you live happily ever after?

It's not gonna happen.

Dude, he's coming.

Damn it, Dale. Why'd you have to tell
Joseph he was an alien?

It's the truth, isn't it?

Well, sometimes it's better
to keep the truth from someone.

Especially if, you know,
they can't deal with it.

I felt the same way when Boomhauer
told me I had bad breath.

But since then I've learned to inhale
while I talk.

Oh, it's getting cold.

Now, I'm not saying we're wasting time...

because this is great people-watching,
but I'm about ready to go.

How is my dad's tractor beam
gonna be able to lock in on me...

if I'm blending in with all these idiots?

Joseph, no stupid UFOs are coming.

The only lights we're gonna see
are the lights of an ambulance...

when they come to pick
our cold, dead bodies off the ground!

[panting]

[groaning]

That's Don Hood,
the country's top UFO hunter.

He's been abducted three times.

And that's Duke Greenroy. He's crazy.

Excuse me, friends.

Would either of you be interested
in purchasing some alien urine?

-How much?
-Half a mayonnaise jar.

Hank, you have half a mayonnaise jar?

Dale, the temperature's dropping.
We gotta find these kids soon.

Hey, buddy, have you seen
two 13-year-old boys?

One of them half-alien.

Well, I saw one kid wander out
into the desert with his lndian guide.

-Oh, God!
-Well, thanks anyway.

Hey, do you take Diners Club?

(Hank) Bobby? Joseph?

Would you put the jar down
and help me look for the kids?

I can't believe I lost Joseph.

I hope his real dad doesn't eat my brain.

But, of course, he will.

-Damn it, Dale. You're his real dad.
-No, I'm not.

When Joseph was a baby,
who changed his diapers?

-You or some alien?
-I did.

Who took him to his first day
at kindergarten?

I did.

-Who taught him how to tie his shoes?
-John Redcorn.

Well, okay.
But who taught him how to ride a bike?

John Redcorn.

He taught Joseph and Joseph taught me.

Okay. But I didn't see
the aliens doing that stuff.

But you were there for every
Christmas morning and scraped knee.

You, Dale.

Any alien can inject someone
with his space juice and be a father.

But it takes a real man to be a dad.

(woman) Oh, my God!

They're here.

-Oh, my God! The Marfa Lights!
-It's the boys.

-Joseph, your dad's here.
-I know.

I'm scared.

No, your Earth dad.

-Dad!
-Don't go, son!

I don't want to go.

(Dale) Then run.

Run away from the light.

-Joseph!
-Dad!

Joseph.

You can't have him. He's my son!

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Dad, aliens impregnated Mom.
That's a given.

But isn't it possible that
first they abducted you...

stole your genetic material,
and then used that to create me?

Recovering. Recovering.

Recovered memory.
That's exactly how it went down.

Which means you are
my flesh-and-blood genetic son.

Sorry I missed your play, Dad.

It's all right, son.

I guess you had your own
idiot man-child to deal with.

Yeah. That Joseph, he's really....

-Really like his dad.
-Yep.

Those Gribbles are two nuts
on the same sundae.

-Yep,
-Yep,

-Hey, Dad, what's ii the jar?
-Doi 't driik it,