King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Buck Stops Here - full transcript

Dad, I didn't get to bed
until 3:00 this morning.

I was watching the Taxi marathon
on Nick at Nite.

[Imitating Latka Gravas]
Thank you very much.

Bobby, in this house you don't get to
sleep through your summer vacation...

and watch what were probably repeats
all night like some shut-in.

Here. I've put together a chore list.

And I made sure to alternate
between light and heavy chores.

Weed-pulling is not a light chore.

Yes, it is.
I just purchased a new weed-puller.

Well, actually,
I wouldn't mind trying that out first.

And don't worry about the garage door.



I'll paint that this weekend.

I'm not giving you my chores,
you're getting a job.

Okay. Though I'm not very employable.

No skills, bad attitude,
seventh-grade education.

But we can try.

Hello, Peggy Hill.

Well, Minh, I'm surprised to see you here.

I've been donating blood for a long time.

I'm what they call a universal donor.

Type O. I can give blood to anyone.
My blood that important.

Well, I am AB negative,
the rarest blood of all.

Liquid gold!

Mrs. Hill, our records show that you have
donated a total of six pints of blood.

I want you to know
that when you've reached eight pints...



Or one gallon.

Yes, or one gallon, we will give you
a complimentary coffee mug.

A mug? And it would say
that I gave blood, right?

Yes. And Mrs. Souphanousinphone,
you're only one pint away from the mug.

Hear that, Peggy Hill?

Next time I'll be drinking orange juice
from a coffee mug...

while you still drinking it from
the little itty-bitty Peggy Hill paper cup.

Stealing company gas, Hank?

Good one.

Mr. Strickland, I was wondering...

if it'd be okay to put Bobby to work
for the summer as a tank wipe?

No, it's too late.
I promised the last tank-wipe job...

to Miz Liz's brother's stepson's kid.

But I'll tell you what.

If Bobby works half as hard as you,
I'll pull a few strings, grease a few palms...

and get him a job as a caddy
at the golf club.

Well, that would be great, sir.
You know, I love golf.

Maybe if, you know, sometime...

I mean, I know you love golf, too,
and I thought...

No, Hank. You're too old to be a caddy.
Get back to work.

Well, hey, Minh.
I just thought you'd like to know...

that I've donated another pint of blood.
Seven pints apiece, Minh.

But not for long.
I am on a donating streak.

[Grunting]

The trick to being picked by a golfer
is to make sure you make eye contact.

Look alert. They like that.

If you don't get picked,
you end up sitting on your butt all day.

Thanks for the tip.

Yeah. Let me see.

Kid.

[Car horn playing
Deep in the Heart of Texas]

Hey, Mr. Strickland. Nice to see you, sir.

Here you go, Bradley.

Hey, you. Bring me a martini
on the first tee. Two olives.

- Hey, Bobby. How're they treating you?
- Good, sir.

Well, now you can tell them
Buck Strickland treats you better.

After work we're gonna hang out
and wash some golf carts.

And we're gonna ride some blocks of ice
down a hill.

Well, I'm not really interested
in washing carts.

But you give me a shout when
you're ready to do that ice-riding thing.

Okay. You want to go first?

Me? Sure. What the hey?

Now, how do I...

You are ice-blocking, my friend. Yeah!

Do you know who you knocked down?

The chairman
of the Membership Committee.

Yeah, that's right. Corky Raywood.

I'd be wetting myself, too, right now
if I were you.

[Doorbell rings]

Sir, your son was involved
in an incident near green number six.

A club member was incapacitated
due to ice-blocking.

Your son's services as a caddy
have been terminated.

Oh, God, Bobby. Mr. Strickland is my boss.

He put his reputation on the line
to get you this job.

Also, sir, your truck is parked
more than one foot from the curb.

- I'm giving you a warning.
- You're not a cop.

That's why it's just a warning.

Corky Raywood may have
a deep thigh bruise...

but the real victim here is Mr. Strickland.

You owe that man an apology.
I'll wait out here.

I'm really sorry, sir.

I don't know if you've ever ridden
a block of ice before.

Well, I married Miz Liz, didn't I?

Now, don't you worry, Bobby.
I'll take care of this.

But that security guy said I was fired.

Then that security guard's fired.

- No, please don't...
- Too late. He's fired.

Sorry, Bobby. I was making a hot toddy
before you showed up.

You want a hot toddy?
A hot toddy will calm your nerves.

- No, thank you, sir.
- Miz Liz! Two hot toddies!

We're gonna toast your new job
as my personal caddy.

Now, tell me, Bobby, did you really knock
that son of a bitch on his ass?

You know, he tried to get me kicked out
of the club...

for throwing my putter at his wife?

No one sneezes
when Buck Strickland's about to putt.

Except for Buck Strickland.

I'm gonna make him my personal caddy.

Well, gee, thank you
for doing this for me, sir.

Not doing it for you,
I'm doing it for Bobby.

He reminds me of my boy.

I didn't know you had a son.

Yeah. Lives in a different town,
different woman.

Name's Roy, Ray, something like that.

After 16 years,
I'm too embarrassed to ask.

Eighteen holes.
I've never walked that far in my life.

Well, you're not gonna start now.

Toss those clubs in the cart
and take the driver's seat.

- You hungry, Bobby?
- Yes, sir, I am.

Well, how's a couple of hot dogs
with everything on them sound?

Fantastic!

Damn it!

- You playing army golf today, Vargas?
- Army golf?

Yeah. Left, right, left, right.

Good one, sir.

Yahoo!

Sent that whore home in a taxi!

I had a dream last night
where we were all naked.

Except for you, Hank.

You had these tiny, clear,
plastic underpants on.

Actually, they weren't doing you any good,
really, because you could see everything.

But the weird part is...

Look. There's Bobby.

See you tomorrow at the club, Bobby.

You didn't ask Mr. Strickland
to give you a ride home, did you?

He insisted.
And he tipped me a dead president:

Hamilton.

Way to go, Bobby.

Mr. Strickland's not one
to throw his money around.

He rewards hard work with a fair salary.

Look at you, Hank. You are so jealous.

When was the last time you were
dropped off at home by your boss?

Never.

So then, when Buck finally sunk his putt,
he tried to do a little dance...

but he's kind of too big,
so he had me do it for him.

Everybody loved it.

Well, while Buck's out enjoying himself
on the links...

I'm just glad he's got someone like me
at the shop...

to keep the trains running on time.

Take today, for instance.

We got a surprise call
from the Propane Association.

They needed to talk to Buck.
Well, I handled it.

Told them that would be fine.

Yep, that's just the kind of fires I have
to put out when Buck's not around.

Anyway, it was some game.

Mr. Strickland got up under more balls
than a midget hooker.

Bobby!

Where did you learn language like that?
The television?

No, Mr. Strickland.

Just because you're his caddy
does not give you the right to repeat it.

Take it easy, Old Top.

God dang it, it's 7:15.
I'm missing The Wheel.

Sir, last night at dinner
Bobby used some language...

Sorry. I didn't...

Yeah, no. Look, yeah, I got to go.
Your daddy just walked in the room.

Hank, you want to say hi to your son?

No, but I'm glad I can talk to you both.

Mr. Strickland, Bobby used some language
last night that he said he got from you.

Is that true, Bobby?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

All right then, Bobby.
I'll see you at the club.

That it, Hank?

I'm sorry, ma'am. But I'm afraid
I'm going to have to send you home.

Your blood pressure is way too low.

Oh!

Darn. No mug for Minh.

Did you give blood recently?

Yes. But so did she. Twice!

See!

You do not have to take it
from a vein in my arm.

You can take it
from one in the back of my leg.

Both of you go home.
And I'm not giving you a mug.

You can have a cookie.

I do not want a cookie. I want that mug.

Come on. What are you waiting for?
Let's save some lives!

You ready to lose, Pratley?

Look out.

Shoot. Now, where did that
little son of a gun get to?

It's over here, Mr. Strickland.

I almost broke my neck
tripping over that ball.

Well, isn't that cheating, Mr. Strickland?

I'm not gonna lie to you, Bobby.

No. It's just being clumsy.
There's no law against being clumsy.

That is, unless you're caught.

[Buck laughing]

[Splashing]

[Geese squawking]

Go find the ball, Bobby.

Find it some place good.

BUCK: Well, see you later, Bobby.
Remember to soak those feet.

So, Bobby, I thought
that maybe we'd go golfing tomorrow.

Just the two of us.

Uh-huh.

Give your mother a chance to recuperate.

[Weak moan]

I can't, Dad. Buck asked me
to caddy for him this weekend.

And we are teeing off at 9:00 tomorrow.

Isn't that Mr. Strickland's watch?

It's my watch now.
He gave it to me as a gift.

Buck Strickland does not give gifts.

I've worked for the man over 15 years
and he's never given me anything.

[Weakly] That's true, Bobby. Never has.

Mr. Strickland probably just lent it to you.

No. He gave it to me for helping him
get the best score of his life.

- What did he shoot?
- A 65.

What? Well, that's a course record.

He was having some trouble...

but I bailed him out
with my trusty "hand wedge."

Bobby, you cheated.

There was money on the game.
Besides, Lane Pratley's a horse's ass.

You're giving that watch back.

No, I'm not.
Mr. Strickland gave me that watch...

and it's Mr. Strickland
who gives me my money.

He asks me to jump and I say,
"How high?"

He asks me to cheat
and we're on the green in two.

Well, there is no getting around the rules
in this house.

If you like cheating and lying so much,
why don't you go to Buck's house?

- All right, maybe I will.
- Fine. I'll drive you.

- Hank, what are you doing?
- I know what I'm doing.

Well, it sounds like you know
what you're doing.

But I am still too lightheaded
to really fully comprehend your plan.

Buck's no baby-sitter.

He'll turn Bobby away
the minute he sets foot on his doorstep.

All right,
I can't handle a thousand details, Hank.

Just give me the broad strokes.

Hey, Bobby!

Did Bobby phone home yet?

- Where is Bobby?
- Well, he's still at Buck's.

But believe me, after a couple of hours
without his nightlight and humidifier...

he'll be begging to come home.

Hello, Lupino. Sorry to disturb you.
I need to talk to Mr. Strickland.

Mr. Strickland went
to Hot Springs, Arkansas.

I press his gambling suit
and I pack his naked-lady playing cards.

He goes last night with Mr. Hill.

- I'm Mr. Hill.
- Little Mr. Hill.

Dang it!

All right.
If Mr. Strickland calls, you tell him...

I'm taking a personal day.

You ever been to the dog races, Bobby?

Not one as organized as this.

Do they still let the monkeys
ride the dogs around the track?

No, not since the '40s.

Nothing like seeing a monkey
whip a dog down the backstretch.

Bobby, you're gonna be my wallet caddy.

Now, don't lose it.
I got all my betting money in there.

Okay!

Okay, now, I just put our money
on Wonderdog.

I like that name.

Yeah. I saw Wonderdog dump a load
before the race.

Means he'll run light.

Look out, folks. Here comes the bunny.

- Go, Wonderdog!
- Go, Wonderdog!

Wallet caddy, hand me my wallet.
We're going again!

PEGGY: [Weakly] Hey, Minh.

Down here, Minh.

That's not real! You made that yourself!

They wouldn't take any more blood
from you.

Well, maybe not in Arlen.

Maybe not in McMaynerbury.

But, Minh, there's a little town
called Houston.

And when that construction crane
fell over...

they didn't have time to ask questions.

You're lying!

I would not be down here gloating
if I were.

I think I'll go inside and brew some coffee.

[Minh muttering angrily]

Yep. That's gonna taste sweet.

Now, you see, your daddy wouldn't know
how to have a good time like this.

No, sir. He would not.

Hey, old-timer.

Do you know where Rooster's crap game
is tonight?

Rooster's crap game
is between Fourth and Fifth Street.

Go around the back.
Knock twice and slip $20 under the door.

You ever see someone fish for $40, Bobby?

- No.
- Watch this.

Look at him go!
He makes in a year what I make in a week.

[Solemn instrumental music]

Thanks for letting me know
that my taillight was out.

Well, I'd want you to do the same for me,
Officer.

Say, can you tell me
how much further it is to Hot Springs?

Another hour-and-a-half.

- All right. Drive carefully now.
- I will.

[Alarm sounding in distance]

[Cat shrieking]

[Jazz music playing]

- Kid can't come in.
- It's okay. He's my son.

I don't care whose son it is.
Kid can't come in.

All right.
Bobby, you're gonna have to stay out here.

I'm gonna take half my betting money,
you hold onto the rest.

Here. Hold onto my heart pills.

If I'm losing my shirt in there,
I'm gonna fake a heart attack.

Now, that's your cue to come in
waving the pills, screaming:

"My daddy's having a heart attack!"

You got that?

- Now, who's my wallet caddy?
- I am.

There we go!

- What are you looking at?
- Nothing.

Come on, baby. Forget about him.

You're lucky my woman doesn't want me
to fight, you little freak...

or I'd mess you up good.

I am hot, Bobby!
I just hit the five three times in a row!

- Do you think I should press the five?
- I don't know.

[Vomiting]

- Mr. Strickland, how much longer do you...
- Screw it! I'm gonna press the five.

Luck is with me tonight, Bobby.
I'm on the gravy train with biscuit wheels.

- You all emptied out, Carla?
- Yeah.

Oh, God!

Okay, kid, hand over the money.

My daddy's having a heart attack!

Your daddy already tried that.
We're not buying it.

- Now, give us the money.
- And the watch.

But the watch is mine.

Your daddy said you'd give us the money
and the watch.

Now, come on, kid. The watch.

The watch is mine!

You get what you needed, Rooster?

That boy give you the money
and the watch?

The boy gave us the money,
took off with the watch.

What? God dang it, Bobby.

I think I'm having an infarction!

Look through his pockets.
And take his shoes.

It's my watch.

Back off. I'm this boy's father.

I thought the old guy was his father.

No. This one's my dad.

This one right here.
The one with the golf club.

Here. Take the watch.

I don't want it anymore.

The quicker we're out of Hot Springs
the better.

Keep your distance. I just need some air.

You heard me.
I'm having a goddang heart attack!

Mr. Strickland, get in.

Get him.

What are you waiting for, Hank? Go!

Yeah!

Come and get me, you sons of bitches!

Come on, step on it!

Yeah! That's right, you backwater hicks!

You missed Buck again!

[Buck whooping]

So, I guess I'm gonna be punished.

You're darn right.

First of all, you will not be caddying
for Mr. Strickland anymore.

Second of all, you're grounded
for the rest of the summer.

Thanks, Dad.

Miz Liz! Two hot toddies!