King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 3, Episode 4 - Pregnant Paws - full transcript
Hank wants Ladybird to have babies, but the veterinarian reels him it would be nearly impossible, so he attempts to discover a way to get her pregnant.
[Theme music]
Yup, l change my oil every 3,000 miles...
or when l get bored, whichever comes first.
[All laughing]
DALE: l see London, l see France.
-Told you, Hank. London and France.
-Ladybird, no!
HANK: Get out of my underwear.
PEGGY: l put those on her.
Ladybird is in heat
and we are out of doggy diapers.
Peggy, how could you? My old underwear?
-l don't even wear that anymore.
-She wouldn't have to wear anything...
if you spayed her,
or hired someone to do it.
l can't have her spayed.
l'm gonna breed her...
-one of these days.
-She's almost 13 years old.
You can't mate a purebred bloodhound
with just any old dog.
That'd be throwing away
seven generations...
-of the finest Georgia inbreeding.
-This could be Ladybird's last heat.
lf you don't do something, and fast...
she is gonna spend the rest of her life
childless and lonely...
sulking about the house
in soiled underwear.
Like Bill.
Get off a shot, and l wing him !
Dang if he didn't keep going
another mile or two.
Ain't nothing keeps you sharp
for deer season like hunting humans.
[Bullet ricocheting]
Excuse me,
l couldn't help reading your lips.
This hunting humans....
-Do you need a license?
-This hat's my license.
Any man who skips out on his bail
can be hunted like an animal...
although not eaten.
All you gotta do
is sit through a four-hour training course.
You're telling me there's a poorly-trained,
quasi-legal police force...
that operates with few, if any,
government controls?
lt's about time.
HANK: Boy, that's some mighty fine hounds
you got yourself there, Buck.
BUCK: That's right. Champions, all of them.
Except for the deaf one.
Yup, fine hounds.
[Hank grunts approvingly]
Mr. Strickland, there's something
l'd like to ask you.
Yeah, l'd love to give you a raise,
but the accounting department said:
''Buck, stop letting the employees
put your lemons in a vice.''
Donna said that?
My hands are tied.
Sir, this is about my Ladybird.
l finally decided to breed her,
and l was hoping one of your studs....
[Squeals excitedly]
One of my boys finally gets
to ''Howdy, ma'am'' the debutante.
You know my terms.
$500 the first session,
$400 each additional session...
and, please, no flash photography.
[Quirky instrumental music]
Okay, let's all shut up, please.
[Dale humming]
lNSTRUCTOR: We don't have much time,
so let's get right to it.
TV: We don't have much time,
so let's get right to it,
ln the next four hours,
we'll find out if you've got what it takes,,,
to wear this hat,
[Soft instrumental music]
Ladybird is gonna be a mommy.
Seems like just yesterday
Mom and Dad brought her home for me...
on account of me not having
any brothers and sisters to play with.
lf l'd been old enough to talk,
l would have asked for a monkey.
But l guess things worked out okay.
[Doorbell rings]
That's them. ls everything....
[Slow instrumental music]
Ladybird Hill, you're beautiful.
Luanne, take off her underwear.
[Hank sighs]
HANK: l'm honored you could share
Ladybird's special evening with us.
Yeah. Let's make some hound dog.
l'm late for a bachelor auction.
Okay, you learned kicking down doors,
you learned mustaches...
mailman suits and other disguises.
Did we cover
choke holds and pepper spray?
-Yes.
-Good. Take your seat.
[Dale gagging]
Okay, you have 15 minutes
to complete the ethics exam.
Good luck,
and try to remember what l taught you:
A, A, B, A, C.
lNSTRUCTOR: Congratulations,
Class of Thursday, a.m.
You may now call yourselves
''Bounty Hunters.''
-Hello, Dr. Downs.
-Hank. Ladybird.
-This is my wife, Peggy.
-l take care of our son.
What'll it be? Flea dip?
Tartar scrape? Worm shot?
Not this week.
l finally let my little girl start dating...
and l think she's in a family way.
That's sweet.
Let me get a glove on and have a look-see.
[Peggy groans]
This place gives me the déjà vus.
lt's just like
when we were trying to get pregnant.
Yeah, l remember.
So, Doctor, is she gonna be a mommy?
How do l say this
without breaking your hearts?
DOCTOR: No.
PEGGY: Oh, God!
Damn.
l have your test results.
Peggy--
l knew it, l'll never get pregnant.
What is wrong with me?
-Peggy, no, this is not your fault.
-He's right, Mrs. Hill.
There's no point in blaming yourself.
lt's Hank's fault.
HANK: What?
DOCTOR: You have a narrow urethra...
and years of chronic tension
have only made it worse.
l really don't think
you'll ever have children.
But that's impossible.
The lab reports confirm it.
Although l suspected as much...
when it took you 30 minutes
to produce a urine sample.
You want it done it quick,
or you want it done right?
Hank, please calm down.
Your urethra will disappear.
lsn't there anything we can do?
For starters, we can transition you
to boxer shorts.
[Grunts in disapproval]
Or if that's unacceptable...
l can prescribe
a specific series of sexual techniques.
A series?
Are you suggesting l break the law?
Hank, please. He's just trying to help us.
Now, l saw something on the news...
about a procedure
called in vitro fertilization.
They mix your boys
with one of my ladies in a test tube.
-lsn't that wonderful?
-No, it's terrible!
lt's science run amuck.
Oh, Hank....
lt's perfectly safe, Mr. Hill.
They've tested it on animals.
-Couldn't we just try it?
-No!
lt's wrong on humans
and it's wrong on animals.
l'm sorry, Peggy.
l know you're disappointed...
but that's just how l was raised.
By my mother and father, not a test tube.
So, is Ladybird going to be a mommy?
Sorry, Hank.
Mr. Strickland better refund our $500.
l knew that stud was no good.
He wouldn't even look her in the eye.
lt ain't the stud's fault. lt's Ladybird's.
DR. DOWNS: She's got a narrow uterus.
HANK: No!
So, she can't have puppies?
Stranger things have happened,
but no, she can't.
MAN: Go get it.
[Slow instrumental music]
l know it hurts, Ladybird.
l've been there myself.
l just wish l could scoop up your pain
in a little plastic bag and throw it out.
[Dog sniffing]
Get off her.
Forget it. Knock yourself out.
Buddy, no. Down.
-l'm so sorry.
-lt's all right. No harm, no foul.
See, the thing is,
my Ladybird has a narrow uterus.
The vet said she will never know
the pleasures of motherhood.
ln fact....
l'm sorry. l didn't mean to burden you.
Not at all. We were in the same situation
with Buddy's mother.
Turns out there's all sorts of things
you can do.
-There are? Like what?
-Diet, hormones.
-Body work.
-Surgery. There's a whole world out there.
Wow, l want to know everything.
Do you and your brother
have time to grab a beer?
[Stutters]
Sure, l know just the place.
MAN: Assault with a deadly weapon
and attempted murder of a police officer.
MAN: He's been on the run about two days.
DALE: Me, right here, l'll take it.
Excuse me. l had my hand up first.
Why do you keep giving all the cases
to these other guys?
Because they're experienced
professional bounty hunters.
You're some deluded bug sprayer
who took a four-hour course...
learned a few choke holds, and got a hat.
[Dale grunts]
You are familiar with my credentials,
yet you still refuse...
to give me a case.
lf it'll shut you up, the fugitive's name
is James ''Jimmy'' Helstrom...
a.k.a. Jim Helstrom.
Wanted for unpaid parking tickets.
The hunt is on.
[Thermometer beeps]
-100.7.
-Wow, it's hot in a dog's head.
[Peggy laughing]
PEGGY: l love the bloopers.
The practical jokes, not so much.
-What are you doing?
-l'm charting Ladybird's temperature.
l'm gonna pinpoint
the exact perfect moment for her to mate,
Give me that!
Hank, that thermometer's for company,
you know that.
HANK: But l was using it.
PEGGY: l don't see why.
The doctor said
Ladybird cannot get pregnant.
l know, but then l met some men,
we went to a bar...
and before it all went horribly wrong,
they told me a bunch of things...
l can do to get Ladybird pregnant.
100.4. She's ready for a stud.
[Peggy groans]
Peggy, quick, call Buck Strickland.
l put him on the speed dial.
Just press ''Peggy's Mother.''
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
[Chuckles]
[Doorbell rings]
DALE: Arlen Florist.
l've got some long-stemmed roses
for Jimmy Helstrom.
[Door being unlocked]
[Footsteps receding hurriedly]
[Car engine starting]
[Tires screeching]
[Doorbell rings]
[Peggy shivering]
What the ''H'' are you doing?
lt's called the Tellington Touch.
lt's a body-awareness technique.
All the top fertility experts swear by it.
My grandmother quilted that blanket.
Peggy, no! l can't move her for two hours.
She just mated.
Just give me the freaking blanket.
DALE: Thought you could outsmart me,
did you, J. Helstrom?
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
[Chuckling]
[Tense instrumental music]
[Dale screaming]
BOBBY: Ladybird!
-Bobby, come stand with me.
-Okay.
You know, l just....
l don't like to drink alone.
So, how's school?
-Fine.
-That's nice.
[Bill sighs]
-Friends?
-Yeah.
[Bill grunts in approval]
Uh....
l got to give Ladybird her hormone biscuit.
BlLL: Let me see that.
[Sniffing]
See, Ladybird is gonna be a mommy,
and we're gonna have a puppy again...
just like when l was 1 year old
and my parents got me Ladybird.
Boy, that sure is a cute story.
But you got it all wrong.
Your parents had that dog
a whole year before you came along.
-What?
-Yeah.
As l recall, your mama
was having trouble getting pregnant...
on account of
your daddy's narrow doohickey.
And eventually, they just gave up
on ever having a child of their own...
and they did the next best thing.
[Pleasant instrumental music]
[Peggy gasps]
[Peggy laughing]
Hank, thank you. She's perfect.
[Hank laughing]
[Smooching]
[Peggy laughing]
Yeah.
[Laughs]
BOBBY: Hey, hey!
They gave up on having a child
of their own...
but here l am. A child.
A child doesn't just come out of nowhere.
Mr. Dauterive, was l adopted?
l'll tell you, Bobby...
if you get me some more of these cookies.
But those are dog hormone biscuits.
And that's the last one.
And they're from a special store,
and it's 2 miles away.
Sorry, Bobby, that's the deal.
[Bobby sighs]
[Slow instrumental music]
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
[Grunts in acknowledgement]
Outstanding! We'll take the next flight out.
No, God bless you, Doctor.
We did it, Peggy.
Ladybird's been accepted
into an in vitro fertilization program...
-up at Michigan State.
-ln vitro? What are you talking about?
Test-tube puppies. They're using
this new experimental fertility drug.
l figure if it's safe enough
for humans in France...
it's probably safe enough
for dogs in America.
lf you are thinking of flying your dog
to Michigan to get her pregnant...
-do not bother buying a roundtrip ticket.
-Relax, l don't have to buy anything.
Can l have your frequent flier number?
But l need those miles to get
to my great-aunt's funeral next year.
Fine! Go!
Just do not expect me to be here
when you get back!
Mom, can l stay with you for a few....
l'm sorry, Mr. Strickland.
Great news, Ladybird. We're going to....
Oh, my God.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Let's get one thing straight, Ladybird.
You work for me.
[Solemn instrumental music]
-You're still here.
-Ladybird's gone.
-What happened?
-l don't know.
Maybe you left her pen open.
By mistake, of course, and she ran away.
What? You're blaming me?
l would have to be
pretty passive-aggressive...
to do something like that, and spit
in your coffee every day for a week.
Wait a minute.
''Receipt from Dale Gribble, Bounty Hunter.
''Borrowed: One dog.
''Purpose,: Nab fugitive
at 27 Whistler Terrace,
''Signed,: Dale Gribble, Bounty Hunter, ''
Damn it, Dale,
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
[Dogs barking]
[Dogs snarling]
[Dogs whining]
DALE: Okay, Gribble, this is it.
Two days and four hours ago,
you were an untrained, untested no-hat,
Now look at you,
[Mimicking martial-arts cries]
[Groans]
[Fast-paced instrumental music]
Freeze! Bounty hunter.
DALE: Freeze! Bounty hunter.
[Jazzy music playing on TV]
[Switches TV off]
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Freeze!
[Both gasp]
HANK: What do l want? A left, a right?
l wish Ladybird were here.
HANK: She doesn't need a map.
PEGGY: That is it.
l am sick of you acting
like you care more about that dog...
-than you do about me, your human wife!
-What?
l don't care more about.... Oh, no, Ladybird!
She's gonna dehydrate in there,
Between this sun
and the incredible airtight construction,,,
of an American-made truck,
l'd say she's got about five minutes,
-l'm going in.
-Are you loco?
As soon as you step foot out there,
the attack dogs will attack you to shreds.
l bet if l were stuck in a truck,
you would leave me there.
-How would you ever get stuck in a truck?
-l don't know.
The handle could break off.
That's not the point.
All week l have watched you
jump through hoops...
trying to get Ladybird pregnant.
And you never jumped through
any hoops for me.
-What are you talking about?
-You never put a thermometer in my ear.
Of course not. Why would l?
-See? You admit you love her more.
-That's crazy.
l didn't do all that thermometer stuff
with you...
'cause, you know, where's the romance?
With Ladybird it doesn't matter.
She's only a dog.
She's not my wife. You're my wife.
l know, it's just....
Sometimes a woman needs to hear it.
Why would you be jealous of Ladybird?
You don't want to get pregnant, do you?
l don't know. Maybe.
l think l'd rather have another baby
right now than another puppy.
Me, too.
That's why l've been trying
to get Ladybird pregnant.
l don't know
what those men in that bar told you...
-but that is not how you have a baby.
-l know that, but....
Remember when we first got Ladybird?
[Smooching]
[Romantic instrumental music]
[Peggy giggling]
HANK: l always kind of believed
that playing with that puppy,,,
was the one thing
that finally relaxed me and my ure,,,,
Well, me, enough for us to have a baby,
l just thought
if we had another puppy in the house...
you know....
Oh, Hank.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
[Peggy gasps]
Hang in there, Ladybird. Mama's coming.
DALE: Easy.
Easy,
l'm cool, man.
[Both gasp]
DALE: Easy.
Easy,
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
[Dogs barking]
Be careful, Hank. Nine times out of ten,
they go right for the crotch.
And l see 10 dogs out there.
Come on, girl. lt's all right.
Shake hands,
That's it. Everything's fine.
[Hank screams]
Why are your arms shaking,
Mr. Bounty Hunter...
if that is your real name?
-Getting tired?
-Yes, very tired.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
-Nice hat.
-Back at you.
Jump, Ladybird.
[Peggy sighs in relief]
-Good girl.
-Okay, let's get the hell out of here!
Seat belts, please.
[Tires screeching]
[Bobby panting]
BOBBY: Here you go, Mr. Dauterive.
-Only eight?
-Those cost $26.
Okay, Bobby. Ask your question.
[Sighs]
Mr. Dauterive, am l adopted?
No.
Now, l'll tell you your middle name
if you get me a glass of milk.
BOBBY: Okay.
[Soft instrumental music]
[Peggy laughing]
[Peggy gasps]
[Both laughing]
[Smooching]
[Jazzy music playing on TV]
More SpaghettiOs?
[Baby wailing]
[Hank chuckles]
That's a cute baby, l tell you what.
We're trying to have a baby ourselves.
He doesn't want anyone to know,
so l'm only telling complete strangers.
l might be able to help you out there.
May l?
lt's okay. He is the assistant manager
of Strickland Propane.
[Hank sputtering]
[Baby stops wailing]
[Baby gurgling]
[Soothing instrumental music]
[Hank sighing]
There you go, little fella,
for that ''new car'' smell.
[Theme song]
[Bicycle bell ringing]
PEGGY: ''Fill cup to line.'' Okay.
[Gentle instrumental music]
Negative.
That's 12 in a row, Hank.
l think it's time we see a fertility specialist.
He's just gonna poke and prod
my naked nethers. No, thank you.
[Solemn instrumental music]
PEGGY: Even if l get Hank to see the
doctor, he refuses to take his pants off.
You don't take your clothes off
at the doctor's anymore, sug'.
Anything they need to see, they do it
with a new machine called an MRl.
Are you sure they can use it
to look at Hank?
They use it for everything.
Heck, it's the same technology...
we use down at the station
to predict the weather.
l thought you used the Doppler radar.
Sug'...
it's the same thing.
PEGGY: lt's called an MRl machine.
You get to keep your pants on.
Dangit, Peggy, how could you tell Nancy
we were trying to get pregnant?
We agreed we wouldn't tell anyone.
lncluding family.
l mean, Nancy's gonna tell Dale and--
Hank, l have been sitting on these eggs
for 40 years.
They are ready to hatch.
PEGGY: We were hoping
advances in medicine...
might help us to overcome the difficulties
caused by Hank's narrow urethra.
HANK: And that these advances
would mean...
you not looking down there.
That won't be necessary, Mr. Hill.
But l do have to
measure your sperm count.
That means we'll need a sample.
ls that something you do
with a local anesthetic...
or will you have to put me under?
No. Ms. Hill, perhaps you could
explain to your husband.
[Peggy whispering]
[Exclaiming]
[Hank stuttering]
HANK: Busy! Occupied!
lt's Dr. Bhudamanjur, Mr. Hill.
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable
trying this at home?
HANK: No.
Would you like a magazine?
HANK: Okay. Do you have
Popular Mechanics?
Ms. Hill, what did you tell him exactly?
Mr. Hill, l've got the results
of your sperm count back from the lab.
Come on, big number. Think big number.
The sample you produced
shows a count of 8 million.
[Peggy exclaims]
[Hank chuckling]
You hear that, Peggy?
Eight million. lt must have taken them
a long time to count it.
Of course, the average man
has a count of 100 million.
Hank, honey, just because you scored
8 million on your sperm test...
does not mean
you did not give 1 10 million0/0.
l give you an ''A'' for effort.
[Sighs]
Research shows that heat lowers fertility.
One way to increase
the number of healthy sperm...
is to lower the temperature.
-ln the house?
-ln your pants.
[Dale stuttering]
Yup.
Yup.
[Boomhauer grunting]
Yup.
All right, Hank. Maybe nobody else
is gonna say anything...
but if we were supposed to
wear shorts today...
l would have appreciated
the courtesy of a phone call.
-Yeah, man, that dang old....
-l, too, am hurt.
All right, l didn't mean to upset you.
l just found out
that my jeans are in the wash.
Now, who's ready?
[Cans clanking]
[Birds chirping]
You know, l'm feeling kind of overheated
myself. Scoot over, would you, Hank?
Just so you know,
l'm willing to drink beer you sat on.
l'm just not willing to reach for it.
[Whirring]
What are you doing
sitting in a wind tunnel, Hank?
You got the prickly heats?
No, sir. Just drying the ink on
all the sales orders l wrote this morning.
Just trying to be polite, son.
l saw the insurance forms
from your weenie doctor.
Those forms
were supposed to be confidential.
And employees
are supposed to wear pants.
But l won't tell if you don't.
HANK: Thanks for the tune-up, Earl.
So how are you fixed for propane?
l'm good. Say, l wanted to ask you.
Let's see. How should l put this?
You ever heard the song Peaches?
Let's see.
l might be able to fake my way through it.
[Hank grunts hesitantly]
[Hank singing]
EARL: No, that's not the reason l asked.
l was thinking about a way
to get your count up.
Oh, God! Was Buck Strickland in here?
EARL: No, but the gal
who cuts his hair was.
Truth be told, Hank, my count used to be
9 million. Almost as low as yours.
But the thing that worked for me
was peaches.
l don't know.
Soak yourself in peaches
three times a day, Hank.
-Well--
-Peaches.
[Pensive instrumental music]
-Well, what did the test say?
-We won't know for another 20 seconds.
But no matter what the result,
l don't blame you.
Sperm counts are dropping
all over the world.
And l don't blame you for that, either.
Hank, we've both worked very hard.
And l could feel we're getting closer,
honey. lt is within our grasp and--
That's 20 seconds.
[Sighs despondently]
Negative.
[Doorbell rings]
HANK: Dad, what are you doing here?
You didn't talk to
Buck Strickland's hair stylist, too, did you?
Not in two years.
Thought l'd drop by for a surprise visit.
-Hey, Hank's wife.
-Cotton.
Didi woman, hurry up with my bags.
[Didi groaning]
[Soft instrumental music]
She ain't fat. l gots her knocked up.
[Cotton slurping]
We was using four layers of protection
and my men still got through.
Please, Dad, there's a child present.
She's my wife, Hank.
She was there when it happened.
Ain't that right, babycakes?
lf you say so, Cotton.
This is such exciting news.
l am very excited now.
You know, at your age, Cotton,
having a child will be such a blessing.
lf it's a boy.
Dad, l think what Peggy's saying is...
that it's not very often
that a man of 75 fathers a child.
-l mean, when the boy's 18, you'll be--
-l'll be dead. Pass the beans.
My sources tell me
that Hank's the problem.
lt's very hush-hush.
Even his own daddy don't know.
Man, you don't hear it from me, man.
Dang old reliable source,
Dr. Rhada Budamatahara, man...
talking about
that dang old chilly willie, man.
-Good God! Have you gotten fatter, fatty?
-Sir, yes, sir.
Colonel, let me be
the first to congratulate you...
on the impregnation of Hank's stepmother.
Bingo.
Just think, Hank. lf your doctor
helps you and Peggy get pregnant...
your baby and Cotton's baby
can play together.
Damn it, Bill!
So, Dad, you must be pretty happy...
about them executing
that woman in Huntsville.
Hank, has you been
having trouble baby making?
No.
ls it 'cause of that skinny pipe
in your thingy?
We're not having any trouble.
These things take time.
l ain't got a narra uretee.
He gets that from his mother.
Mine's so damn wide
l could pass the child myself if l had to.
[Dale guffawing]
[Mischievous instrumental music]
DlDl: Peggy, this is very nice of you.
But l just feel awkward
letting my stepdaughter buy me a crib.
No. We want to.
lt's our gift to you
because we're so happy for you.
HANK: Yeah, l think you've mentioned that,
Peggy.
SALESWOMAN: Mrs. Peggy Hill,
nice to see you again. Still just looking?
Yes, l mean, no.
Actually, we are here today to buy a crib.
My Lord! Congratulations!
l knew you could do it, mister.
And you're already showing.
What?
Gather round, expectant fathers.
Our free diaper-changing seminar
is now beginning.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
[Snarling]
[Epic instrumental music]
[Yelling]
[Spring squeaking]
[Screaming]
[Cotton muttering]
Didi woman, l need a drink.
[Pleasant instrumental music]
COTTON: l didn't plan for this.
You think l planned for this?
[Sputtering]
You know how it is.
You dim the lights, put a little
Andrews Sisters on the phonograph and....
You likes the Andrews Sisters, Bobby?
Likes them? l loves them.
[Bobby burps]
Next thing you know...
your grandmammy's
got a biscuit in her oven!
[Cotton sighing]
l'm too old to be having babies.
We both are, mister.
Your daddy's the right age
to be having babies.
Poor Hank and Hank's wife.
They want another baby real bad.
[Gasps]
-They do?
-Yeah.
They flew a doctor in from Calcutta.
Maybe he'll find a way
to get you a baby brother.
A brother. Baby brother.
[Bobby snickering]
Mom and Dad are gonna have another kid?
l guess they wanna get it right this time.
[Lively instrumental music]
Dad, are you busy?
No, son.
Just checking the percentage
of man-made fibers in these fuel filters.
Yup, it's 300/0.
That's very interesting.
You know,
l'm very interested in things like that.
[Bobby sighing]
Okay, then it's settled,
you and Mom won't have another baby.
[Hank gasps]
-How did you find out about that?
-Grandpa told me at the bar.
lt's not fair.
lf l knew this could happen,
l'd have worked harder over the years.
You know, exercised,
cut back on the fruit pies...
gotten a few ''B's'' to raise my average.
This isn't because you're not good enough.
You're great.
And two of you will be twice as great.
The only reason l look so good
is 'cause there's no competition.
You have another kid,
and l'll look like a failure.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Believe me, Bobby, you're not the one...
who should be worried about
looking like a failure.
You're not in competition with anybody.
Didi: Hank! Hank!
-Cotton's missing. He's run away.
-What? Are you sure?
Yes. He had me load his bags
into the Cadillac car.
Peggy, my dad got out.
We gotta go find him.
Dad, ''Miss Arlen Hostess
Swimsuit Competition.''
Maybe Grandpa 's in there,
Good thinking, son.
HANK: Check the parking lot
for your grandpa's Cadillac.
Okay.
Look at him, Peggy. Look at him run.
Makes you realize what a blessing he is,
PEGGY: He is our miracle child.
Exactly. And it'd be awfully greedy of us
to expect a second miracle.
So you can see the only sensible thing
to do is to stop trying to get pregnant.
What?
Hank, l know you are frustrated...
and l know you look dopey in short pants...
but we've both worked too hard
to give up now.
We? What have you done?
l've been sitting in an igloo.
You think l like to see that
out my kitchen window?
Well, if you wanna keep trying,
you can keep trying by yourself.
[Peggy gasps]
What did they say at the police station?
Okay. Grandpa Hill is not a missing person
until he's gone for 48 hours.
But this really nice policeman
gave me his home phone number.
l'm probably not gonna be able to
help you look any more tonight.
Any calls, Didi?
Just one. But l let the machine get it
because l didn't want to tie up the line.
[Beeps]
COTTON: lt's me, l hope you ain't out
looking for me 'cause if you are,,,
you ain't gonna find me
and l ain't coming back,
Hank, l need you to raise Didi's baby
and Didi,
[Answering machine beeps]
Dangit! He could be anywhere from Arlen
to who knows where.
Dad!
We can use star 69
and find out where he called from.
[Phone ringing]
MAN: Yeah,
Hello? Who is this, please?
-Who's this?
-This is Hank Hill.
Yeah,
-Where am l calling?
-l'm at the corner of Sierra and Flamingo,
-Sierra. ls that Dallas?
-lt's Vegas, Hank,
Well, that just tears it. He's in Las Vegas.
Pretty smart of me, huh, Mom?
l doubt some little baby
would know how to dial star 69.
HANK: All right, if l drive all night,
l can get to Vegas by the morning.
-l'll call you when l've found a motel.
-You bring him back, Hank.
That little ferret thinks he can have it all.
A child and a Vegas trip.
Well, l didn't get either this year.
Bobby, l'm gonna need you
to be the man of the house while l'm gone.
Sure, Dad, l'll be the man of the house...
while still fulfilling my duties
as the child of the house.
Hank, my stepson,
Cotton is small and sneaky.
How will you ever find him?
DALE: l'll tell you how he'll ever find him.
With the finest mail order surveillance
equipment the Libyans have to offer.
Not now, Dale.
Couldn't hear you, Hank.
But if you are asking if l am
a licensed professional bounty hunter...
l think this hat speaks for itself.
Well, all right,
l guess l could use some help driving.
Maybe we can put that thing to some use
and sing karaoke to stay awake.
DlDl: Adios.
PEGGY: Drive careful.
[Lively instrumental music]
[Tires screeching]
[Grunts]
[Bill groaning]
[Cheerful instrumental music]
[Hank and Bill singing]
BlLL: Are we there yet?
[Upbeat instrumental music]
All right. Now, if we're gonna find him
we need to think like my dad would think.
DALE: Eight topless bars and no Cotton.
'Course you'd be a lot more help
if you'd open your eyes, Hank.
Hank, l'm in love.
That was the finest deep-dish pizza
l ever tasted.
HANK: The Andrews Sisters?
l didn't know they were still alive.
They're my dad's favorite.
['50s pop music]
[Bill and Dale singing along with artists]
Thank you, Las Vegas, and good night,
HANK: Excuse me, ladies.
That was just wonderful.
My dad has all your records,
And l wonder, coincidentally,
if he might have been in here tonight.
SlNGER: Mm-hmm.
He was here.
That little firecracker grabbed my rear.
He does like the ladies.
Right. So when he figured out l wasn't
really a sister, he started breaking plates.
They threw him out.
[Gasping in horror]
Excuse me, folks. Have any of you seen
an older man about yea high...
possibly shouting obscenities?
Welcome to my world, pal.
[Men complaining]
[Energetic instrumental music]
[Horse neighing]
[Building exploding]
[Clicking]
Don't stand too close
to the machines, Hank.
The electromagnetic fields
could defertilize you.
That's nonsense, Dale.
And, anyway, Peggy and l have decided...
to stop trying for another baby,
not that it's any of your business.
Jeez, Hank, you shouldn't give up.
l mean, if your dad can have a baby--
This has got nothing to do with my dad.
You know what?
l'm tired. l want to be alone.
Why don't you guys
go check the poker tables?
[Dale grunts]
[People chattering in background]
ELVlS lMPERSONATOR: Wonderful.
Thank you very much.
BARTENDER: What will you have?
HANK: Beer.
BARTENDER: Heineken--
HANK: American.
Say, do you allow children in the casino?
BARTENDER: No way. No one under 21 .
Huh.
[People chattering]
Hello, Dad.
Don't you unstrap me. l ain't going back.
You can't make me.
l didn't come here to bring you back.
l just came to let you know...
that l'll look in on Didi,
and the baby, and the new husband.
What? Who is it?
l forget his name.
Terry or Jerry or something like that.
l think he's a dancer at Chippendales.
Give me his address. l'll gut him.
Dad, l just made him up.
But you see how worked up you got?
You still love Didi. Now come on home.
[Cotton exclaims]
l was going back anyway.
Got to find me Mr. Terry-Jerry
and gut him up good.
Did you get what's her name
knocked up yet?
No, we've....
l've decided not to have another child.
The whole idea's upset Bobby too much.
l always knew you was a quitter.
You're the one
who always flips up the board...
when you're losing to me at checkers.
l never lost to you.
And we haven't played checkers in years.
[Cotton exclaims]
l get it. l got Didi pregnant,
and you can't with Hank's wife.
So you're flipping up the board.
Yeah, that's right. l'm giving up.
You win. You happy?
Hank, you ain't in competition with me.
Hell, if it's a contest
on who's the better daddy, you win!
l mean, you made Bobby.
All l made was you.
Thanks, Dad.
But what if l keep trying,
and, you know, it doesn't happen?
Well, then, you had the fun of trying, boy.
-l gots to have that talk with you.
-Sounds good, Dad. Let's go.
Hold on, Hank.
Nobody knows you found me yet.
What do you say you and me
have some fun tonight in Vegas?
[Grunts hesitantly]
Sure. Okay.
Eight the hard way.
[Jovial instrumental music]
Three craps. You lose.
What?
HANK: No, Dad!
[Cotton yelling]
[Cotton yelling]
COTTON: That was practice,
[Theme song]
[Hank stuttering]
HANK: Busy! Occupied!
Yup, l change my oil every 3,000 miles...
or when l get bored, whichever comes first.
[All laughing]
DALE: l see London, l see France.
-Told you, Hank. London and France.
-Ladybird, no!
HANK: Get out of my underwear.
PEGGY: l put those on her.
Ladybird is in heat
and we are out of doggy diapers.
Peggy, how could you? My old underwear?
-l don't even wear that anymore.
-She wouldn't have to wear anything...
if you spayed her,
or hired someone to do it.
l can't have her spayed.
l'm gonna breed her...
-one of these days.
-She's almost 13 years old.
You can't mate a purebred bloodhound
with just any old dog.
That'd be throwing away
seven generations...
-of the finest Georgia inbreeding.
-This could be Ladybird's last heat.
lf you don't do something, and fast...
she is gonna spend the rest of her life
childless and lonely...
sulking about the house
in soiled underwear.
Like Bill.
Get off a shot, and l wing him !
Dang if he didn't keep going
another mile or two.
Ain't nothing keeps you sharp
for deer season like hunting humans.
[Bullet ricocheting]
Excuse me,
l couldn't help reading your lips.
This hunting humans....
-Do you need a license?
-This hat's my license.
Any man who skips out on his bail
can be hunted like an animal...
although not eaten.
All you gotta do
is sit through a four-hour training course.
You're telling me there's a poorly-trained,
quasi-legal police force...
that operates with few, if any,
government controls?
lt's about time.
HANK: Boy, that's some mighty fine hounds
you got yourself there, Buck.
BUCK: That's right. Champions, all of them.
Except for the deaf one.
Yup, fine hounds.
[Hank grunts approvingly]
Mr. Strickland, there's something
l'd like to ask you.
Yeah, l'd love to give you a raise,
but the accounting department said:
''Buck, stop letting the employees
put your lemons in a vice.''
Donna said that?
My hands are tied.
Sir, this is about my Ladybird.
l finally decided to breed her,
and l was hoping one of your studs....
[Squeals excitedly]
One of my boys finally gets
to ''Howdy, ma'am'' the debutante.
You know my terms.
$500 the first session,
$400 each additional session...
and, please, no flash photography.
[Quirky instrumental music]
Okay, let's all shut up, please.
[Dale humming]
lNSTRUCTOR: We don't have much time,
so let's get right to it.
TV: We don't have much time,
so let's get right to it,
ln the next four hours,
we'll find out if you've got what it takes,,,
to wear this hat,
[Soft instrumental music]
Ladybird is gonna be a mommy.
Seems like just yesterday
Mom and Dad brought her home for me...
on account of me not having
any brothers and sisters to play with.
lf l'd been old enough to talk,
l would have asked for a monkey.
But l guess things worked out okay.
[Doorbell rings]
That's them. ls everything....
[Slow instrumental music]
Ladybird Hill, you're beautiful.
Luanne, take off her underwear.
[Hank sighs]
HANK: l'm honored you could share
Ladybird's special evening with us.
Yeah. Let's make some hound dog.
l'm late for a bachelor auction.
Okay, you learned kicking down doors,
you learned mustaches...
mailman suits and other disguises.
Did we cover
choke holds and pepper spray?
-Yes.
-Good. Take your seat.
[Dale gagging]
Okay, you have 15 minutes
to complete the ethics exam.
Good luck,
and try to remember what l taught you:
A, A, B, A, C.
lNSTRUCTOR: Congratulations,
Class of Thursday, a.m.
You may now call yourselves
''Bounty Hunters.''
-Hello, Dr. Downs.
-Hank. Ladybird.
-This is my wife, Peggy.
-l take care of our son.
What'll it be? Flea dip?
Tartar scrape? Worm shot?
Not this week.
l finally let my little girl start dating...
and l think she's in a family way.
That's sweet.
Let me get a glove on and have a look-see.
[Peggy groans]
This place gives me the déjà vus.
lt's just like
when we were trying to get pregnant.
Yeah, l remember.
So, Doctor, is she gonna be a mommy?
How do l say this
without breaking your hearts?
DOCTOR: No.
PEGGY: Oh, God!
Damn.
l have your test results.
Peggy--
l knew it, l'll never get pregnant.
What is wrong with me?
-Peggy, no, this is not your fault.
-He's right, Mrs. Hill.
There's no point in blaming yourself.
lt's Hank's fault.
HANK: What?
DOCTOR: You have a narrow urethra...
and years of chronic tension
have only made it worse.
l really don't think
you'll ever have children.
But that's impossible.
The lab reports confirm it.
Although l suspected as much...
when it took you 30 minutes
to produce a urine sample.
You want it done it quick,
or you want it done right?
Hank, please calm down.
Your urethra will disappear.
lsn't there anything we can do?
For starters, we can transition you
to boxer shorts.
[Grunts in disapproval]
Or if that's unacceptable...
l can prescribe
a specific series of sexual techniques.
A series?
Are you suggesting l break the law?
Hank, please. He's just trying to help us.
Now, l saw something on the news...
about a procedure
called in vitro fertilization.
They mix your boys
with one of my ladies in a test tube.
-lsn't that wonderful?
-No, it's terrible!
lt's science run amuck.
Oh, Hank....
lt's perfectly safe, Mr. Hill.
They've tested it on animals.
-Couldn't we just try it?
-No!
lt's wrong on humans
and it's wrong on animals.
l'm sorry, Peggy.
l know you're disappointed...
but that's just how l was raised.
By my mother and father, not a test tube.
So, is Ladybird going to be a mommy?
Sorry, Hank.
Mr. Strickland better refund our $500.
l knew that stud was no good.
He wouldn't even look her in the eye.
lt ain't the stud's fault. lt's Ladybird's.
DR. DOWNS: She's got a narrow uterus.
HANK: No!
So, she can't have puppies?
Stranger things have happened,
but no, she can't.
MAN: Go get it.
[Slow instrumental music]
l know it hurts, Ladybird.
l've been there myself.
l just wish l could scoop up your pain
in a little plastic bag and throw it out.
[Dog sniffing]
Get off her.
Forget it. Knock yourself out.
Buddy, no. Down.
-l'm so sorry.
-lt's all right. No harm, no foul.
See, the thing is,
my Ladybird has a narrow uterus.
The vet said she will never know
the pleasures of motherhood.
ln fact....
l'm sorry. l didn't mean to burden you.
Not at all. We were in the same situation
with Buddy's mother.
Turns out there's all sorts of things
you can do.
-There are? Like what?
-Diet, hormones.
-Body work.
-Surgery. There's a whole world out there.
Wow, l want to know everything.
Do you and your brother
have time to grab a beer?
[Stutters]
Sure, l know just the place.
MAN: Assault with a deadly weapon
and attempted murder of a police officer.
MAN: He's been on the run about two days.
DALE: Me, right here, l'll take it.
Excuse me. l had my hand up first.
Why do you keep giving all the cases
to these other guys?
Because they're experienced
professional bounty hunters.
You're some deluded bug sprayer
who took a four-hour course...
learned a few choke holds, and got a hat.
[Dale grunts]
You are familiar with my credentials,
yet you still refuse...
to give me a case.
lf it'll shut you up, the fugitive's name
is James ''Jimmy'' Helstrom...
a.k.a. Jim Helstrom.
Wanted for unpaid parking tickets.
The hunt is on.
[Thermometer beeps]
-100.7.
-Wow, it's hot in a dog's head.
[Peggy laughing]
PEGGY: l love the bloopers.
The practical jokes, not so much.
-What are you doing?
-l'm charting Ladybird's temperature.
l'm gonna pinpoint
the exact perfect moment for her to mate,
Give me that!
Hank, that thermometer's for company,
you know that.
HANK: But l was using it.
PEGGY: l don't see why.
The doctor said
Ladybird cannot get pregnant.
l know, but then l met some men,
we went to a bar...
and before it all went horribly wrong,
they told me a bunch of things...
l can do to get Ladybird pregnant.
100.4. She's ready for a stud.
[Peggy groans]
Peggy, quick, call Buck Strickland.
l put him on the speed dial.
Just press ''Peggy's Mother.''
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
[Chuckles]
[Doorbell rings]
DALE: Arlen Florist.
l've got some long-stemmed roses
for Jimmy Helstrom.
[Door being unlocked]
[Footsteps receding hurriedly]
[Car engine starting]
[Tires screeching]
[Doorbell rings]
[Peggy shivering]
What the ''H'' are you doing?
lt's called the Tellington Touch.
lt's a body-awareness technique.
All the top fertility experts swear by it.
My grandmother quilted that blanket.
Peggy, no! l can't move her for two hours.
She just mated.
Just give me the freaking blanket.
DALE: Thought you could outsmart me,
did you, J. Helstrom?
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
[Chuckling]
[Tense instrumental music]
[Dale screaming]
BOBBY: Ladybird!
-Bobby, come stand with me.
-Okay.
You know, l just....
l don't like to drink alone.
So, how's school?
-Fine.
-That's nice.
[Bill sighs]
-Friends?
-Yeah.
[Bill grunts in approval]
Uh....
l got to give Ladybird her hormone biscuit.
BlLL: Let me see that.
[Sniffing]
See, Ladybird is gonna be a mommy,
and we're gonna have a puppy again...
just like when l was 1 year old
and my parents got me Ladybird.
Boy, that sure is a cute story.
But you got it all wrong.
Your parents had that dog
a whole year before you came along.
-What?
-Yeah.
As l recall, your mama
was having trouble getting pregnant...
on account of
your daddy's narrow doohickey.
And eventually, they just gave up
on ever having a child of their own...
and they did the next best thing.
[Pleasant instrumental music]
[Peggy gasps]
[Peggy laughing]
Hank, thank you. She's perfect.
[Hank laughing]
[Smooching]
[Peggy laughing]
Yeah.
[Laughs]
BOBBY: Hey, hey!
They gave up on having a child
of their own...
but here l am. A child.
A child doesn't just come out of nowhere.
Mr. Dauterive, was l adopted?
l'll tell you, Bobby...
if you get me some more of these cookies.
But those are dog hormone biscuits.
And that's the last one.
And they're from a special store,
and it's 2 miles away.
Sorry, Bobby, that's the deal.
[Bobby sighs]
[Slow instrumental music]
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
[Grunts in acknowledgement]
Outstanding! We'll take the next flight out.
No, God bless you, Doctor.
We did it, Peggy.
Ladybird's been accepted
into an in vitro fertilization program...
-up at Michigan State.
-ln vitro? What are you talking about?
Test-tube puppies. They're using
this new experimental fertility drug.
l figure if it's safe enough
for humans in France...
it's probably safe enough
for dogs in America.
lf you are thinking of flying your dog
to Michigan to get her pregnant...
-do not bother buying a roundtrip ticket.
-Relax, l don't have to buy anything.
Can l have your frequent flier number?
But l need those miles to get
to my great-aunt's funeral next year.
Fine! Go!
Just do not expect me to be here
when you get back!
Mom, can l stay with you for a few....
l'm sorry, Mr. Strickland.
Great news, Ladybird. We're going to....
Oh, my God.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Let's get one thing straight, Ladybird.
You work for me.
[Solemn instrumental music]
-You're still here.
-Ladybird's gone.
-What happened?
-l don't know.
Maybe you left her pen open.
By mistake, of course, and she ran away.
What? You're blaming me?
l would have to be
pretty passive-aggressive...
to do something like that, and spit
in your coffee every day for a week.
Wait a minute.
''Receipt from Dale Gribble, Bounty Hunter.
''Borrowed: One dog.
''Purpose,: Nab fugitive
at 27 Whistler Terrace,
''Signed,: Dale Gribble, Bounty Hunter, ''
Damn it, Dale,
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
[Dogs barking]
[Dogs snarling]
[Dogs whining]
DALE: Okay, Gribble, this is it.
Two days and four hours ago,
you were an untrained, untested no-hat,
Now look at you,
[Mimicking martial-arts cries]
[Groans]
[Fast-paced instrumental music]
Freeze! Bounty hunter.
DALE: Freeze! Bounty hunter.
[Jazzy music playing on TV]
[Switches TV off]
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Freeze!
[Both gasp]
HANK: What do l want? A left, a right?
l wish Ladybird were here.
HANK: She doesn't need a map.
PEGGY: That is it.
l am sick of you acting
like you care more about that dog...
-than you do about me, your human wife!
-What?
l don't care more about.... Oh, no, Ladybird!
She's gonna dehydrate in there,
Between this sun
and the incredible airtight construction,,,
of an American-made truck,
l'd say she's got about five minutes,
-l'm going in.
-Are you loco?
As soon as you step foot out there,
the attack dogs will attack you to shreds.
l bet if l were stuck in a truck,
you would leave me there.
-How would you ever get stuck in a truck?
-l don't know.
The handle could break off.
That's not the point.
All week l have watched you
jump through hoops...
trying to get Ladybird pregnant.
And you never jumped through
any hoops for me.
-What are you talking about?
-You never put a thermometer in my ear.
Of course not. Why would l?
-See? You admit you love her more.
-That's crazy.
l didn't do all that thermometer stuff
with you...
'cause, you know, where's the romance?
With Ladybird it doesn't matter.
She's only a dog.
She's not my wife. You're my wife.
l know, it's just....
Sometimes a woman needs to hear it.
Why would you be jealous of Ladybird?
You don't want to get pregnant, do you?
l don't know. Maybe.
l think l'd rather have another baby
right now than another puppy.
Me, too.
That's why l've been trying
to get Ladybird pregnant.
l don't know
what those men in that bar told you...
-but that is not how you have a baby.
-l know that, but....
Remember when we first got Ladybird?
[Smooching]
[Romantic instrumental music]
[Peggy giggling]
HANK: l always kind of believed
that playing with that puppy,,,
was the one thing
that finally relaxed me and my ure,,,,
Well, me, enough for us to have a baby,
l just thought
if we had another puppy in the house...
you know....
Oh, Hank.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
[Peggy gasps]
Hang in there, Ladybird. Mama's coming.
DALE: Easy.
Easy,
l'm cool, man.
[Both gasp]
DALE: Easy.
Easy,
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
[Dogs barking]
Be careful, Hank. Nine times out of ten,
they go right for the crotch.
And l see 10 dogs out there.
Come on, girl. lt's all right.
Shake hands,
That's it. Everything's fine.
[Hank screams]
Why are your arms shaking,
Mr. Bounty Hunter...
if that is your real name?
-Getting tired?
-Yes, very tired.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
-Nice hat.
-Back at you.
Jump, Ladybird.
[Peggy sighs in relief]
-Good girl.
-Okay, let's get the hell out of here!
Seat belts, please.
[Tires screeching]
[Bobby panting]
BOBBY: Here you go, Mr. Dauterive.
-Only eight?
-Those cost $26.
Okay, Bobby. Ask your question.
[Sighs]
Mr. Dauterive, am l adopted?
No.
Now, l'll tell you your middle name
if you get me a glass of milk.
BOBBY: Okay.
[Soft instrumental music]
[Peggy laughing]
[Peggy gasps]
[Both laughing]
[Smooching]
[Jazzy music playing on TV]
More SpaghettiOs?
[Baby wailing]
[Hank chuckles]
That's a cute baby, l tell you what.
We're trying to have a baby ourselves.
He doesn't want anyone to know,
so l'm only telling complete strangers.
l might be able to help you out there.
May l?
lt's okay. He is the assistant manager
of Strickland Propane.
[Hank sputtering]
[Baby stops wailing]
[Baby gurgling]
[Soothing instrumental music]
[Hank sighing]
There you go, little fella,
for that ''new car'' smell.
[Theme song]
[Bicycle bell ringing]
PEGGY: ''Fill cup to line.'' Okay.
[Gentle instrumental music]
Negative.
That's 12 in a row, Hank.
l think it's time we see a fertility specialist.
He's just gonna poke and prod
my naked nethers. No, thank you.
[Solemn instrumental music]
PEGGY: Even if l get Hank to see the
doctor, he refuses to take his pants off.
You don't take your clothes off
at the doctor's anymore, sug'.
Anything they need to see, they do it
with a new machine called an MRl.
Are you sure they can use it
to look at Hank?
They use it for everything.
Heck, it's the same technology...
we use down at the station
to predict the weather.
l thought you used the Doppler radar.
Sug'...
it's the same thing.
PEGGY: lt's called an MRl machine.
You get to keep your pants on.
Dangit, Peggy, how could you tell Nancy
we were trying to get pregnant?
We agreed we wouldn't tell anyone.
lncluding family.
l mean, Nancy's gonna tell Dale and--
Hank, l have been sitting on these eggs
for 40 years.
They are ready to hatch.
PEGGY: We were hoping
advances in medicine...
might help us to overcome the difficulties
caused by Hank's narrow urethra.
HANK: And that these advances
would mean...
you not looking down there.
That won't be necessary, Mr. Hill.
But l do have to
measure your sperm count.
That means we'll need a sample.
ls that something you do
with a local anesthetic...
or will you have to put me under?
No. Ms. Hill, perhaps you could
explain to your husband.
[Peggy whispering]
[Exclaiming]
[Hank stuttering]
HANK: Busy! Occupied!
lt's Dr. Bhudamanjur, Mr. Hill.
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable
trying this at home?
HANK: No.
Would you like a magazine?
HANK: Okay. Do you have
Popular Mechanics?
Ms. Hill, what did you tell him exactly?
Mr. Hill, l've got the results
of your sperm count back from the lab.
Come on, big number. Think big number.
The sample you produced
shows a count of 8 million.
[Peggy exclaims]
[Hank chuckling]
You hear that, Peggy?
Eight million. lt must have taken them
a long time to count it.
Of course, the average man
has a count of 100 million.
Hank, honey, just because you scored
8 million on your sperm test...
does not mean
you did not give 1 10 million0/0.
l give you an ''A'' for effort.
[Sighs]
Research shows that heat lowers fertility.
One way to increase
the number of healthy sperm...
is to lower the temperature.
-ln the house?
-ln your pants.
[Dale stuttering]
Yup.
Yup.
[Boomhauer grunting]
Yup.
All right, Hank. Maybe nobody else
is gonna say anything...
but if we were supposed to
wear shorts today...
l would have appreciated
the courtesy of a phone call.
-Yeah, man, that dang old....
-l, too, am hurt.
All right, l didn't mean to upset you.
l just found out
that my jeans are in the wash.
Now, who's ready?
[Cans clanking]
[Birds chirping]
You know, l'm feeling kind of overheated
myself. Scoot over, would you, Hank?
Just so you know,
l'm willing to drink beer you sat on.
l'm just not willing to reach for it.
[Whirring]
What are you doing
sitting in a wind tunnel, Hank?
You got the prickly heats?
No, sir. Just drying the ink on
all the sales orders l wrote this morning.
Just trying to be polite, son.
l saw the insurance forms
from your weenie doctor.
Those forms
were supposed to be confidential.
And employees
are supposed to wear pants.
But l won't tell if you don't.
HANK: Thanks for the tune-up, Earl.
So how are you fixed for propane?
l'm good. Say, l wanted to ask you.
Let's see. How should l put this?
You ever heard the song Peaches?
Let's see.
l might be able to fake my way through it.
[Hank grunts hesitantly]
[Hank singing]
EARL: No, that's not the reason l asked.
l was thinking about a way
to get your count up.
Oh, God! Was Buck Strickland in here?
EARL: No, but the gal
who cuts his hair was.
Truth be told, Hank, my count used to be
9 million. Almost as low as yours.
But the thing that worked for me
was peaches.
l don't know.
Soak yourself in peaches
three times a day, Hank.
-Well--
-Peaches.
[Pensive instrumental music]
-Well, what did the test say?
-We won't know for another 20 seconds.
But no matter what the result,
l don't blame you.
Sperm counts are dropping
all over the world.
And l don't blame you for that, either.
Hank, we've both worked very hard.
And l could feel we're getting closer,
honey. lt is within our grasp and--
That's 20 seconds.
[Sighs despondently]
Negative.
[Doorbell rings]
HANK: Dad, what are you doing here?
You didn't talk to
Buck Strickland's hair stylist, too, did you?
Not in two years.
Thought l'd drop by for a surprise visit.
-Hey, Hank's wife.
-Cotton.
Didi woman, hurry up with my bags.
[Didi groaning]
[Soft instrumental music]
She ain't fat. l gots her knocked up.
[Cotton slurping]
We was using four layers of protection
and my men still got through.
Please, Dad, there's a child present.
She's my wife, Hank.
She was there when it happened.
Ain't that right, babycakes?
lf you say so, Cotton.
This is such exciting news.
l am very excited now.
You know, at your age, Cotton,
having a child will be such a blessing.
lf it's a boy.
Dad, l think what Peggy's saying is...
that it's not very often
that a man of 75 fathers a child.
-l mean, when the boy's 18, you'll be--
-l'll be dead. Pass the beans.
My sources tell me
that Hank's the problem.
lt's very hush-hush.
Even his own daddy don't know.
Man, you don't hear it from me, man.
Dang old reliable source,
Dr. Rhada Budamatahara, man...
talking about
that dang old chilly willie, man.
-Good God! Have you gotten fatter, fatty?
-Sir, yes, sir.
Colonel, let me be
the first to congratulate you...
on the impregnation of Hank's stepmother.
Bingo.
Just think, Hank. lf your doctor
helps you and Peggy get pregnant...
your baby and Cotton's baby
can play together.
Damn it, Bill!
So, Dad, you must be pretty happy...
about them executing
that woman in Huntsville.
Hank, has you been
having trouble baby making?
No.
ls it 'cause of that skinny pipe
in your thingy?
We're not having any trouble.
These things take time.
l ain't got a narra uretee.
He gets that from his mother.
Mine's so damn wide
l could pass the child myself if l had to.
[Dale guffawing]
[Mischievous instrumental music]
DlDl: Peggy, this is very nice of you.
But l just feel awkward
letting my stepdaughter buy me a crib.
No. We want to.
lt's our gift to you
because we're so happy for you.
HANK: Yeah, l think you've mentioned that,
Peggy.
SALESWOMAN: Mrs. Peggy Hill,
nice to see you again. Still just looking?
Yes, l mean, no.
Actually, we are here today to buy a crib.
My Lord! Congratulations!
l knew you could do it, mister.
And you're already showing.
What?
Gather round, expectant fathers.
Our free diaper-changing seminar
is now beginning.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
[Snarling]
[Epic instrumental music]
[Yelling]
[Spring squeaking]
[Screaming]
[Cotton muttering]
Didi woman, l need a drink.
[Pleasant instrumental music]
COTTON: l didn't plan for this.
You think l planned for this?
[Sputtering]
You know how it is.
You dim the lights, put a little
Andrews Sisters on the phonograph and....
You likes the Andrews Sisters, Bobby?
Likes them? l loves them.
[Bobby burps]
Next thing you know...
your grandmammy's
got a biscuit in her oven!
[Cotton sighing]
l'm too old to be having babies.
We both are, mister.
Your daddy's the right age
to be having babies.
Poor Hank and Hank's wife.
They want another baby real bad.
[Gasps]
-They do?
-Yeah.
They flew a doctor in from Calcutta.
Maybe he'll find a way
to get you a baby brother.
A brother. Baby brother.
[Bobby snickering]
Mom and Dad are gonna have another kid?
l guess they wanna get it right this time.
[Lively instrumental music]
Dad, are you busy?
No, son.
Just checking the percentage
of man-made fibers in these fuel filters.
Yup, it's 300/0.
That's very interesting.
You know,
l'm very interested in things like that.
[Bobby sighing]
Okay, then it's settled,
you and Mom won't have another baby.
[Hank gasps]
-How did you find out about that?
-Grandpa told me at the bar.
lt's not fair.
lf l knew this could happen,
l'd have worked harder over the years.
You know, exercised,
cut back on the fruit pies...
gotten a few ''B's'' to raise my average.
This isn't because you're not good enough.
You're great.
And two of you will be twice as great.
The only reason l look so good
is 'cause there's no competition.
You have another kid,
and l'll look like a failure.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Believe me, Bobby, you're not the one...
who should be worried about
looking like a failure.
You're not in competition with anybody.
Didi: Hank! Hank!
-Cotton's missing. He's run away.
-What? Are you sure?
Yes. He had me load his bags
into the Cadillac car.
Peggy, my dad got out.
We gotta go find him.
Dad, ''Miss Arlen Hostess
Swimsuit Competition.''
Maybe Grandpa 's in there,
Good thinking, son.
HANK: Check the parking lot
for your grandpa's Cadillac.
Okay.
Look at him, Peggy. Look at him run.
Makes you realize what a blessing he is,
PEGGY: He is our miracle child.
Exactly. And it'd be awfully greedy of us
to expect a second miracle.
So you can see the only sensible thing
to do is to stop trying to get pregnant.
What?
Hank, l know you are frustrated...
and l know you look dopey in short pants...
but we've both worked too hard
to give up now.
We? What have you done?
l've been sitting in an igloo.
You think l like to see that
out my kitchen window?
Well, if you wanna keep trying,
you can keep trying by yourself.
[Peggy gasps]
What did they say at the police station?
Okay. Grandpa Hill is not a missing person
until he's gone for 48 hours.
But this really nice policeman
gave me his home phone number.
l'm probably not gonna be able to
help you look any more tonight.
Any calls, Didi?
Just one. But l let the machine get it
because l didn't want to tie up the line.
[Beeps]
COTTON: lt's me, l hope you ain't out
looking for me 'cause if you are,,,
you ain't gonna find me
and l ain't coming back,
Hank, l need you to raise Didi's baby
and Didi,
[Answering machine beeps]
Dangit! He could be anywhere from Arlen
to who knows where.
Dad!
We can use star 69
and find out where he called from.
[Phone ringing]
MAN: Yeah,
Hello? Who is this, please?
-Who's this?
-This is Hank Hill.
Yeah,
-Where am l calling?
-l'm at the corner of Sierra and Flamingo,
-Sierra. ls that Dallas?
-lt's Vegas, Hank,
Well, that just tears it. He's in Las Vegas.
Pretty smart of me, huh, Mom?
l doubt some little baby
would know how to dial star 69.
HANK: All right, if l drive all night,
l can get to Vegas by the morning.
-l'll call you when l've found a motel.
-You bring him back, Hank.
That little ferret thinks he can have it all.
A child and a Vegas trip.
Well, l didn't get either this year.
Bobby, l'm gonna need you
to be the man of the house while l'm gone.
Sure, Dad, l'll be the man of the house...
while still fulfilling my duties
as the child of the house.
Hank, my stepson,
Cotton is small and sneaky.
How will you ever find him?
DALE: l'll tell you how he'll ever find him.
With the finest mail order surveillance
equipment the Libyans have to offer.
Not now, Dale.
Couldn't hear you, Hank.
But if you are asking if l am
a licensed professional bounty hunter...
l think this hat speaks for itself.
Well, all right,
l guess l could use some help driving.
Maybe we can put that thing to some use
and sing karaoke to stay awake.
DlDl: Adios.
PEGGY: Drive careful.
[Lively instrumental music]
[Tires screeching]
[Grunts]
[Bill groaning]
[Cheerful instrumental music]
[Hank and Bill singing]
BlLL: Are we there yet?
[Upbeat instrumental music]
All right. Now, if we're gonna find him
we need to think like my dad would think.
DALE: Eight topless bars and no Cotton.
'Course you'd be a lot more help
if you'd open your eyes, Hank.
Hank, l'm in love.
That was the finest deep-dish pizza
l ever tasted.
HANK: The Andrews Sisters?
l didn't know they were still alive.
They're my dad's favorite.
['50s pop music]
[Bill and Dale singing along with artists]
Thank you, Las Vegas, and good night,
HANK: Excuse me, ladies.
That was just wonderful.
My dad has all your records,
And l wonder, coincidentally,
if he might have been in here tonight.
SlNGER: Mm-hmm.
He was here.
That little firecracker grabbed my rear.
He does like the ladies.
Right. So when he figured out l wasn't
really a sister, he started breaking plates.
They threw him out.
[Gasping in horror]
Excuse me, folks. Have any of you seen
an older man about yea high...
possibly shouting obscenities?
Welcome to my world, pal.
[Men complaining]
[Energetic instrumental music]
[Horse neighing]
[Building exploding]
[Clicking]
Don't stand too close
to the machines, Hank.
The electromagnetic fields
could defertilize you.
That's nonsense, Dale.
And, anyway, Peggy and l have decided...
to stop trying for another baby,
not that it's any of your business.
Jeez, Hank, you shouldn't give up.
l mean, if your dad can have a baby--
This has got nothing to do with my dad.
You know what?
l'm tired. l want to be alone.
Why don't you guys
go check the poker tables?
[Dale grunts]
[People chattering in background]
ELVlS lMPERSONATOR: Wonderful.
Thank you very much.
BARTENDER: What will you have?
HANK: Beer.
BARTENDER: Heineken--
HANK: American.
Say, do you allow children in the casino?
BARTENDER: No way. No one under 21 .
Huh.
[People chattering]
Hello, Dad.
Don't you unstrap me. l ain't going back.
You can't make me.
l didn't come here to bring you back.
l just came to let you know...
that l'll look in on Didi,
and the baby, and the new husband.
What? Who is it?
l forget his name.
Terry or Jerry or something like that.
l think he's a dancer at Chippendales.
Give me his address. l'll gut him.
Dad, l just made him up.
But you see how worked up you got?
You still love Didi. Now come on home.
[Cotton exclaims]
l was going back anyway.
Got to find me Mr. Terry-Jerry
and gut him up good.
Did you get what's her name
knocked up yet?
No, we've....
l've decided not to have another child.
The whole idea's upset Bobby too much.
l always knew you was a quitter.
You're the one
who always flips up the board...
when you're losing to me at checkers.
l never lost to you.
And we haven't played checkers in years.
[Cotton exclaims]
l get it. l got Didi pregnant,
and you can't with Hank's wife.
So you're flipping up the board.
Yeah, that's right. l'm giving up.
You win. You happy?
Hank, you ain't in competition with me.
Hell, if it's a contest
on who's the better daddy, you win!
l mean, you made Bobby.
All l made was you.
Thanks, Dad.
But what if l keep trying,
and, you know, it doesn't happen?
Well, then, you had the fun of trying, boy.
-l gots to have that talk with you.
-Sounds good, Dad. Let's go.
Hold on, Hank.
Nobody knows you found me yet.
What do you say you and me
have some fun tonight in Vegas?
[Grunts hesitantly]
Sure. Okay.
Eight the hard way.
[Jovial instrumental music]
Three craps. You lose.
What?
HANK: No, Dad!
[Cotton yelling]
[Cotton yelling]
COTTON: That was practice,
[Theme song]
[Hank stuttering]
HANK: Busy! Occupied!