King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 2, Episode 20 - Junkie Business - full transcript

[theme music]

And the employee

of the month is...

[stomach growling]

Uh, lookie here.
I--I'm sorry, folks.

My breakfast burrito
is fixing to say adios.

What say we finish this
ceremony in my back office?

Office?

[all groaning]

BUCK:
Our employee of the month
is Hank Hill.

Congratulations, Hank.
That's 41 times in a row.



Uh…

Thank you, sir.

I wish you could see
the expression on my face.

Okey-doke.

But you can't.

Meeting adjourned, y'all.

[toilet flushing]

Finally.

Oh, oh, hey, one more thing, Hank.

We need to hire
a new accessories associate.

Well, I'll put together

a shortlist
of candidates for you.

Nah, you're the quarterback
of this panty raid.

You make the pick.



You want me to choose

the next member
of team Strickland?

Well, this is a heck
of an honor, Buck.

Don't let me down, Hank.

You do, it'll be like spitting

in my face 41 times in a row.

Are you married?

My wife passed away 2 years ago.

That's good, Bobby.
Keep throwing me curveballs.

Ask another one.

Well, here's one that gets
at the heart of the matter.

We're all Christians here.

How about you?

Hank, you can't ask that question
in an interview.

It's against the law.

You can't ask about
age, race, religion,

or sexual affiliation.

Well, it's the legal equivalent

of asking a woman
how much she weighs.

Why don't you just hire me, Dad?

[laughs]

That's good, Son.

Keep throwing those curveballs.

If you could eat at Luly's

with one of the following,
would it be,

A: Jesus.

B: Mohammed.

C: Golda Meir.

Uh,

I--I don't eat at Luly's.
They use lard.

Hmm.

Okay.

Uh, Mr. Harrington, you seem to have

a few gaps here in your work history.

Well,

'33 to '45,

FDR was in the white house.

So I was on the welfare, you know.

And in the '60s,
you had, uh, Kennedy

and LBJ,

so I was on the welfare.

And then from '77 to '81,

Jimmy Carter,
so I was on the welfare.

Dale, what're you doing here?

I have killed all the bugs in Arlen.

It is time for me
to take on new challenges.

My resume... "a".

"1984 to present:

Gribble and Sons Propane,
Yuma, Arizona."

Dale, I've known you
since we were in first grade.

You don't know me.
I am unknowable.

[sighs]

Mario Montalvo.

My name is Maria.

Oh, my!

I'm terribly sorry.
Uh, you have to understand

this job requires a certain
comfort level with barbecues,

so I just assumed this was a typo.

Uh, let me double-check. Mario!

There is no man named Mario.

There is only I,
a woman named Maria.

Huh.

Well, how do you like that?

As I walked through
your Accessories Department,

I could not help noticing
you feature the Wagner Char King.

You know about the King?

Dual side grills,

3 center racks,

35,000 BTU’s
of propane-powered fury.

As an accessories associate,
it is my job to know.

Well, uh, your qualifications
are impressive,

but I do have
one last puzzler.

Ms. Montalvo,

you're at the Troy Aikman
fantasy sports camp.

It's the toughest
14 days you'll ever love

and on the bus ride home--

Excuse me.

Who's Troy Aikman?

On the one hand, she booted
the Aikman question,

on the other, she knew
about the Char King.

Wh-when you say "she,"
ar-are you talking about a woman?

Yes, Bill.
Maria Montalvo.

Maria Montalvo.

I worked with her in Arizona.

She's no damn good.

Yeah, well, these days,
you gotta be careful

about working
with a girl, uh, woman.

Why, in the army,

you could get in big trouble
for harassing a woman.

Even if you're
her superior officer.

Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, you
go to work with a woman nowadays, man.

You gotta pull duty
like a Kathleen Willey.

Slick Willie, man.
Dang ol' Willy Wonka,
wonk, wonk, wonk, wonk.

Well, she's more qualified
than any other applicant.

But that only goes so far.

I mean, what are we gonna talk about?

Our feelings?

Peggy, there's something
I've gotta tell you.

I interviewed
a woman today, and...

Apparently,
she's very handsome.

She's also extremely
well-qualified

and sharp as a tack.

But don't worry,
I'm not gonna hire her.

Why would I worry?
I feel for her.

If people had been
afraid to hire me

because I'm pretty and smart,

I would have never gotten
where I am today.

[sighs]

I just don't know what
the rules are anymore, Peggy.

If Bob Cecil
made a big sale,

I could give him a pat
on the back or something.

How can I do that
with Maria Montalvo?

Oh, please, honey.

Women are nothing
to be afraid of.

Just give her a hug.

Just put your arms
around her like this.

[sighs]
I don't know, Peg.

What if she gets her cheek up
against mine, like this?

Hmm.

Well, in that case,

you can just start to struggle politely,

like this.

[moaning]

[Peggy giggling]

[sighs]

I'll keep your resume
on file, Ms. Montalvo.

Hi, I came about your ad.
My name's Leon Petard.

Hey, Cowboys, all right!

Leon, you just answered
my first 6 questions.

There's just one more
thing I'd like to know.

What do you think of propane?

Well, sir, phew.

I probably shouldn't say this,

because it sounds kind of crazy.

But after god, country and family,

what I love most is propane

and propane paraphernalia.

Son, if that's crazy,

you've just walked
into a funny farm.

Welcome to the team.

HANK:
Leon's perfect, Peggy.

He's like Bobby without
all that stuff Bobby does.

Yeah, what about that woman
you were gonna hire?

You said she was the most
qualified of the whole bunch.

Oh, you don't have to worry
about that, I passed her over.

[gasps]

So you were attracted to her.

What?

Oh, you must think
she's one hot tamale

if you couldn't even stand
to have her in the office.

Peggy, I didn't hire her.
She's gone.

I'll never see her again!

Uh-huh. Except when you close
your eyes and kiss me, right?

Is that what you're saying?

[humming]

[sighs]

Leon, where have you been?
You're over 3 hours late.

I wasn't late, I was early.
I got here at...

What time do we open?

8:00.

Yeah, I got here
at 7:00.

And you weren't here,
so I went to get some coffee, right?

But the waitress,
it turns out her dog was sick,

so I thought, “Hey,

"if I take her dog to the vet,

she might buy some propane."

You know, from us.

So there's this line at the vet

because of this farm accident.

they're trying to keep it quiet,

so you might not hear about it.

But here I am

with a customer's dog
and I just can't leave her.

so I promise I'll never
come to work early again.

Well, that sure is a long story.
Heh-heh.

Yeah, that's how you know it's true.

So, let's sell some gas!

Team Strickley rules!

[whooping]

We work as a team here at Strickland.

There are 15 of us, counting you.

15, wow.

What's this thing called again?

Uh, actually, I haven't told you
about this grill yet, Leon.

It's called the Wagner Char King,

and it's the crown jewel--

Yes, Char King.
I remember.

It's almost lunch time, right?

Well, it's getting close,
I guess.

Great, great, great.

Hey, it's the Char King.

[Spanish music playing on TV]

[gasping]

[groaning]

No, Dios mio!

Vaya con Dios.

Uh…

Hey, Leon, you might want
to unwrap that sandwich now.

Lunch has been over
for about 20 minutes.

Okay, coach.

“Vaya con Dios."

[laughing]

[sighs]

Okay, then.

[crying]

Hey, Hank,
how's your new hire doing?

Oh, I just think he's gonna
work out great, sir. Heh.

Yeah, well,

I could've sworn I saw him over
by the trucks puking his guts out.

Well, he's pretty excited

about working in propane, sir.

But once he sells
his first grill,

those highs and lows
will smooth out.

Well, I hope they do.

Remember, Hank, he's wearing
the name Strickland

over his man-teat.

[ringing]

T-man?

Oh.

"Strickland Propane.
Taste the heat, not the meat."

Lord, no!

Hello. Hello.

Oh, uh,

Hello, Ms. Shaddock.
I want to sincerely apologize.

Our slogan is,

“Taste the meat, not the heat."

I hope our error has not
inconvenienced you and...

Uh-huh.

Well, I hope in the future
you'll be a customer again.

“Taste the meat, not the heat."

“Taste the meat, not the heat."

Meat, heat, meat, heat.

[Leon grunting]

[sighs]

TV NARRATOR:
Fans of Mexican soap operas

know him as the evil
Monsignor Martinez,

but off-screen, this man of the cloth

makes cloth

into his own line of casual pants.

Bobby, how would you
like to help me out

around the shop for a few days?

I can't pay you, but you can
have all the snacks you want.

We've got fruit pies,

pretzels, all kinds of Newtons.

You had me at "fruit pies."

Leon, this is Bobby.

He's gonna be helping
you out today.

Oh, that's great, that's great.

Because I am just bursting
with ideas right now.

Okay, listen up. I got
a whole new filing plan.

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Oh, god!

There's more files here

than there are stars
in the universe.

This would go a lot
faster if you helped.

I can't do this.
You do it.

[whimpering]

PEGGY:
What's the matter, Bobby?

You haven't even
touched your marrow.

I have to do all the work

because dad's new employee
is a drug addict.

Now, Bobby, Leon's
a little slow on the draw,

but that doesn't mean
he's on drugs.

You got to trust me on this.

When you've heard
as many former athletes

lecture at your school as I have,

you get to know all the signs.

Wait.

You hired a drug addict

instead of that beautiful Chicana?

My god, Hank, how badly
did you want that woman?

Now, just hold on here.

Leon's credentials
are top-notch,

even if they are
from the nonprofit sector.

"6 months at
Helping Hands Institute.

One year at Covenant Place."

Those are detox centers.

Centers?

No, look right here.
“Institute." “Place."

[gasps]

Uncle Hank, you're in denial.

Yeah, Dad.

You're what Too Tall Jones called
"a codependent enabler."

[sighs]

Well, Leon does
do a lot of vomiting,

even for a new employee.

Ah, now, Mrs. Throckmorton,

with our new
electronic debit system,

you never even have
to check your bill.

Oh, my, that does
sound convenient.

Uh-huh, we take the money
right out of your account.

Oh!

[giggling]

What in the Sam Hill!

Oh, no!

This is your new
Accessories Associate?

Jeez, Hank,
he's a drooling nincompoop.

Don't worry, sir.
He's as good as gone.

Well, make sure
you don't disgruntle him.

We don't want him
showing up tomorrow morning

punching the clock with a .45.

You know, Leon, maybe
you don't have the tools

that an Accessories
Associate needs.

You need to find a job
you can do with your tools.

I've got a ratchet set
I haven't pawned yet.

Yup, you have a lot of things

you can do with a good ratchet set.

Maybe you can work on trucks.

Wow!

I don't know what to say.

Hank, as your new chief mechanic,

what I'd like to do first is fire Enrique.

Leon, what I'm trying to say
is, you're a drug user,

and there's no place for you
at Strickland Propane.

As of 5:00, you're fired.

Oh, no!

Here. It's a rehab center.

Son, why don't you take
the rest of the afternoon off,

and get yourself some help?

[tires screeching]

[door opens]

Leon's in the parking lot,
and he looks disgruntled.

EMPLOYEE #1:
Hit the deck!

EMPLOYEE #2:
Sweet Jesus!

[Hank gasping]

[door opens]

I'm sorry I have to do this, coach.

Hello, Mr. Hill.

Anthony Page, group leader,
One Last Chance House.

Are you aware
that you hired a drug addict?

I am now.
That's why I fired him.

Oh, yeah.
You're in trouble, all right.

It's against the law
to fire this man.

He's a drug addict.

Are you sure
you don't want to shoot me?

Thanks for the latte, Leon.

You have to re-hire this man, Mr. Hill.

Legally, drug addiction is a disability.

And now that Leon's in rehab,

the law prohibits you
from firing him.

Rehab? Since when?

Since 4:30 yesterday afternoon.

And I wasn't officially fired till 5.

This is the Americans
with Disabilities Act.

It ensures that no person,
no matter how disadvantaged,

how short, or obese,
or blind, or gay,

or even stoned, can be
discriminated against,

once his healing has begun.

Hell, right now I'd kill
for a big, fat, blind, gay guy,

if we could just get some
damn work done around here!

I can't believe this.

Well, I may be stuck with you,
but you're stuck with me, too.

And there's gonna be
some changes around here.

You will be here at 8:00
sharp from now on.

8:00?

Uh, Anthony...
Mmm-mmm.

8:00's not going to work for Leon.

He's got withdrawal therapy
until 11:00.

But then I take my methadone,

so I should be feeling
pretty good by the time I get here.

What?

I'm not going to let you
come to work late

all hopped up on goofanthol.

And he'll need to have
the lights dimmed.

His pupils will be dilating
pretty big by 12:30.

What kind of game
are you trying to play here?

It's not a game, sir.

It's the law.
And we win.

[whooping]

Let's see.

“Any company with
15 employees or more

"must make reasonable
accommodations

for their disabled workers."

I can't believe I'm getting hog-tied

by a dope freak.

Well,

of course you could
have hired Maria Montalvo.

The only accommodation
she would've needed from you

was a slobber-guard.

Now, if you can get her of
f your mind for 2 seconds,

maybe we can get some sleep.

Oh, god.

Now, please.

That's great.

I'm gonna go throw up now, coach.

Hank, I got a bone to pick with you.

How come Jimi Hendrix
gets a futon

in his work station?

Because he's disabled,
Joe Jack.

It's all there in the fine print.

Come on.
You've got propane to haul.

Honey, I'm too mad
to drive a truck.

It's almost like my anger is...

Handicapping me.

Joe Jack.

[grunting]

[bell tinkling]

Customer.

Jason, can you get that?

Sorry, Hank,

I suffer from
obsessive-compulsive disorder.

If I get out of this chair,
Garth Brooks is gonna die.

HANK:
Joe Jack, can you get that customer?

[laughing]

Much too angry, honey.

Melinda, a little help, please?

[groaning]

Too bloated.

Oh, heck, I'll do it myself.

[groans]

What the hey is going on here?

Shh.

[sighs]
It's Leon.

Now all my employees want in

on that damn Americans
with Disabilities Act.

She shushed me.

Debbie's got the yuppie flu

and Hector claims he has
something called priapism.

He wants a roomier
work station

and a view of Debbie.

Nobody shushes me.
Hank, you cannot stand by

while these greedy pigs suck
the life out of Strickland Propane.

Anybody's disabled
if you think hard enough.

Hmm.

Hey, if we catch this guy
doing drugs on the job.

We can fire him.

So, here's the deal.

Put on your fancy clothes,
hop a Greyhound to Dallas

and buy every pill, pipe,
powder you can find, see?

You spread the stuff around
like roach traps,

then we'll get
that boy hooked again.

With all due respect, sir,
I have a better plan.

Hello, Mr. Hill,
I came as quick as I could.

From your message it sounded
as if you'd become the victim

of some kind of discrimination.

That's right, Anthony.

You see, I recently
came to realize

that I, too, suffer from a disability.

It's called “G.W.S.”

Good Worker Syndrome.

I get sick to my stomach
unless everyone around me

is giving 110 percent.

The symptoms include
pride, responsibility

and a feverish enthusiasm.

It used to be a common
condition among Americans.

Ew!

People like you,
who abuse the system,

ruin it for the rest of us:
The truly disabled.

I'm leaving.

Call me if he gives you
any more trouble, Leon.

Don't call me Leon anymore.

That's the name I used drugs with.

From now on,
I want to be called, um,

Hank Hill.

No! No, that's too far.

I cannot accommodate that.
I won't.

It's not up to you, Hank.
It's up to Hank.

This man is not your slave.
You don't get to name him.

All right, Hank,
get yourself a bus ticket to Dallas.

I hate to do this,
but you leave me no choice.

There's only room for one Hank Hill
at Strickland Propane.

I quit.

What?
Wh-what am I gonna do now?

Whatever you want, Buck.

With me gone, you're down
to 14 employees.

And that makes this
your business, not the government's.

Huh!

Wait.

Hot dang, Hank!
You've done it!

Uh, thank you, sir.

Not you, you're fired.

[both gasp]

Now Strickland's just small
enough to skirt the law.

You all get back to work.

Debbie, you just lie right there.

Well, son, you pulled our wieners

out of the campfire just in time.

[laughs]

Well, I guess I did, Buck.

Yeah, so let's get this
over with, Hank.

Where do you see
yourself in 5 years?

Proudly serving as assistant manager
of Strickland Propane.

Welcome back, Son.
You're re-hired.

After a 6 month probation period,

you will be eligible
for vacation and benefits.

Probation?

Oh, yeah, you gotta
understand my position here.

Last couple of Hank Hills I had,

one of them was a druggo,
the other quit on me.

Oh, hey,

say howdy to our
new accessories associate.

I am so happy
to be working with you, Hank.

[shuddering]

Peggy's in the parking lot.
She looks disgruntled.

[screaming]

Are we starting
a recycling program?

Uh, not...

Not as such.

No, it's, well, uh...

It's for, uh...

Have you ever been
to the doctor,

and the doctor gave you a cup?

Yes, but that was to pee in.

[laughs nervously]

Yeah.

You can go now.

JASON:
Hank, if you don't give me another cup,

the Oak Ridge Boys are gonna die.

MAN:
Oh, no!