King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 12, Episode 3 - The Powder Puff Boys - full transcript

This is definitely my good side.

The cheekbone, the eyebrow...

It all comes together nicely.

This side... I'm all chin.

Uh, hey, guys.

Don't we all do weird things when we think no one's watching?

Well, I'll be going now. Get him.

I want to live!

You're right, he is funny.

Told ya.

"I want to live."



Good one, Bobby.

Huh?

Bobby Hill, we want you to be

a Powder Puff cheerleader with us.

Here's your pom-poms.

We got spirit,

how about you?

It's going to be a test of will and strength

to have fake boobs and not be touching them all the time.

I don't see what's funny about Powder Puff.

The girls playing football,

the football players in skirts cheering them on... eh.

Maybe you're not getting the joke.

We get to dress like girls and act like girls.



It's funny.

Hi, Bobby.

I'm going to make you a roast.

A roast.

Cross-dressing's been done, Joseph.

I know I had a prop comedy phase,

but I've grown.

I've been watching reruns of Seinfeld,

and I'm impressed with the observational humor.

That's where my comedy is now.

Hill, two-man huddle. Let's go.

Okay.

I hear your jokes and bits and sketches are hilarious.

They'd better be.

I've got a losing football program

and the only thing that's going to save my bacon

is a good Powder Puff game.

Yeah, but isn't Powder Puff about girls playing football?

Nobody watches the girls.

It's all about you boys and your tomfooligans.

Mess this up and I'll be back teaching math to the slowpokes.

Break!

Have you seen this?

Yeah, PTA having another fund-raiser.

If you don't give them money

they threaten you with volunteering job.

Swipe credit card... avoid conflict.

Oh, no, this time I'm calling their bluff.

I'm going to go to one of those meeting and volunteer.

Yeah, my time worth more than that.

Well, mine is not.

Isn't the word "carburetor" redundant

since it already has the word "car" in it?

Shouldn't they just be called "buretors"?

Well, actually, Bill, the word comes...

Hey, everybody, guess whose star athlete son

has been selected for Powder Puff cheerleading?

My son, Joseph Gribble was chosen!

Dale, we were in the middle of an important conversation.

Yeah, Dale, Hank doesn't want to talk about

Powder Puff football.

He wants to talk about buretors.

Maybe we could just stand quietly.

That's fine. I'll just carry on an internal dialogue.

Yes!

Is this the PTA meeting?

I'm so glad I'm not late.

Oh, but you are.

We take our first break after 20 minutes.

It gets pretty intense.

People need a macaroon. I see.

We avoid a lot of tears this way.

But you should feel free to cry on my shoulder.

Or any other body part you want.

Excuse me, but aren't you?

Yes, P.J. Pfinster. Hun Chin Ko's dad.

Time.

I now call this meeting back to order.

I-I-I'd like to propose an allocation of funds

to pay for more janitorial supplies.

They've been cleaning with just water for a week.

We finished new business before the break.

Okay, but there's a stickiness issue.

Carl, I left a high-powered law firm

to spend time with my family

and I'm giving up time with my familyto be here.

If you want to talk stickiness,

put your hand on the kitchen counter at my house.

Well put.

Excuse me. I'm new here.

Peggy Hill.

Now, those animal soap carvings the kids make in art class...

what if we re-purposed those?

Nobody likes them anyway.

You know, normally I shun newcomers,

but that kind of out-of-the-box thinking

is going to get you on the PTA fast track.

You get me.

It'd just be a shame to throw it out.

It's only 15 years old.

Hey, Bobby.

You're not going to believe what happened to me today.

I got picked for Powder Puff cheerleading.

Don't worry...

I've got some great ideas about how to get out of it.

They can't make me cheer if they think I have lockjaw.

Huh? What do you think, Dad?

I can't believe you got picked for Powder Puff.

Well, that's an honor usually reserved

for football players.

This is great.

What?!

I'm so happy for you, Hank.

And you too, Bobby.

Good things don't usually happen to the unathletic.

Bobby, I had given up hope of you ever making a team.

But this is finally a chance

to be part of time-honored football tradition.

Uh-huh.

So you want me to dress up like a girl

and run around with pom-poms?

Yes.

Hey, remember when I gave birth to a football?

Yeah, then we wrapped it in a baby blanket

and kicked it through the goalposts.

I understand you think it's great and all,

but comedy is very subjective.

And men in drag?

Well, I'm sorry, Dad, but it just isn't my thing.

It is now, Bobby, because you're going to be a cheerleader.

Now let's go find you a dress.

Bobby, you can't throw a rock at a Rotary Club meeting

without hitting a former Powder Puff cheerleader.

Tom Hutto, down at TripleA? Powder Puff,

David McDavid at Wide TrackMotors? Powder Puff.

Bob Decker-from Centex Escrow? Powder Puff.

Great.

Now, the kind of brassiere you choose as a cheerleader

will determine your cheer personality.

Are you the fun-loving buxom one or the flat-chested braniac?

This one, I guess.

Good choice.

Now, let's get you made up.

Hey, cheerleaders.

That doesn't look like flouncing and bouncing to me.

You're in over your head, Kleehammer.

Hill!

Comedy powwow, cherry picker, now.

Hill, what do you think of all the boys

blowing kisses to the crowd like a gaggle of beauty queens?!

It's fine, I guess.

All boys get in line and blow
kisses till your arms turn to jelly.

Hill says it's funny!

Coach, Coach...

Not now, Beth.

All right, pucker, smooch and blow.

Kiss,

kiss, kiss, kiss...

Alexis, I've noticed

that there are 41 PTA committees.

I believe they can be condensed into a fewer number.

My estimate is ten,

but my guesstimate is six.

Great thinking, Peggy.

Sounds like a project

for you, me and P.J. Yay!

I'll call home and have Lima start the kids' homework.

This might take a good long while.

But I made a choice, I stand by it and I have no regrets.

I hope one of you brought a sleeping bag big enough for two.

Or more!

Then we practiced popping each other's boob balloons.

And then we practiced popping each other's butt balloons.

You're doing balloon work already?

Well, I'm sure Coach Kleehammer knows what he's doing.

Do you know what would make your outfit perfect?

My old striped tube-top.

I am not wearing Mom's clothes.

Look, Dad, this just isn't working for me.

I hate it.

Fine. If you can't see how important this is,

then go ahead and quit.

I'm free? This is great!

Well, we'll see.

When you're face-to-face with your teammates,

it might not be so easy to quit.

Are you kidding?

I've quit more things than you've started.

Gribble, you call that demure?

I... I don't know what that means, sir.

When I say bat your eyelashes, I mean bat them!

Okay, now, watch.

This is where Hill comes in.

See, he's created a character.

The exasperated... bobby-soxer... princess.

Now, that's funny.

Actually, guys,

I've got something to tell you.

Everybody, listen up.

Hill's got something to tell us.

Yeah, the thing is...

He's continuing.

I needed to tell you guys that...

Anything.

Anything at all you can say to help these boys?

First of all, Curt...

Your pantyhose should be darker and baggier.

And Eric, you shouldn't wear pantyhose at all.

You've got hairy legs in middle school...

don't waste that.

We're gonna need props.

So, how'd they take it?

Well, they took it pretty good,

because I'm staying!

I knew you couldn't let them down.

Thanks for making me dress up like a girl, Dad.

Uh, you know that after this is over,

you can't do this anymore, right?

Oh, I know.

Meeting adjourned.

So, congratulations, Peggy.

Your restructuring proposal passed with flying colors.

Thank you.

I'm just glad I got through my argument

before all the whooping

from the Powder Puff cheerleading practice started.

What is going on out there exactly?

Could you explain to me in detail?

If I have to miss Circle Time at Kidnasium, so be it.

Well,

it's an annual football game,

but the girls are the players

and the cheerleaders are the boys.

They wear makeup and wigs and act silly.

Boys are... making fun of girls?

Yes. You know, my son, Bobby,

is actually kind of the head cheerleader.

Mm-hmm.

He keeps knocking over lamps

around the house with his big, clumsy boobs.

That kind of mockery does untold damage

to a young girl's fragile psyche.

My daughter was hysterical recently

when an eighth grade boy told her

her ponytail looked "like a piece of doody."

Thank God, I was home to console her,

which was my choice, stand by it, no regrets.

Well, that's terrible.

Have you tried putting her hair up in a bun?

No, no, that could look like poop, too.

See, it starts out innocently, with a boy teasing a girl.

Then that same boy dresses like a cheerleader.

Then little Mary Jo, honor student,

is having her buttock slapped in a rap video.

That is the saddest hypothetical story

I have ever heard.

But Powder Puff is all just in fun.

So was pouring pig's blood on Carrie.

Poor girl had to kill everyone.

I will not let that happen.

Lima, I'll be home late.

I have another fire to put out.

Ready? Okay!

I love that cheer.

But seriously, you have to stop.

What's going on down there?

Boys, this here is the PTA president,

and she's making me call off the cheerleading part of things.

What?

That's not fair.

But I'm so pretty.

Why is this happening, Mom?

Sometimes things that are funny to everybody

are not really funny at all.

You can't take this away from us.

You just can't!

Sorry, boys.

I guess I won't be needing this anymore.

I guess not.

Hello, Peggy.

Hello, Hank.

Hello, Mom!

So, what else did you destroy today

besides Powder Puff Football?

Actually... class favorites.

And technically the Powder Puff game is still going on.

Maybe the girls will play well for the first time ever,

since they won't have anyone on the sidelines

making fun of them.

Those boys weren't making fun of anyone.

They were just doing what Powder Puff cheerleaders do.

Oh. So, you won't be offended if I stuff a sock in my jeans

and strut around the neighborhood?

That would be hilarious!

Do it, Mom, do it!

No, I am not gonna do it.

A-And neither are you.

Dang it, Carl.

These boys weren't hurting a soul

and you know it.

You've got to do something about this.

If you're asking me to go up against the PTA,

the answer is no.

I'm not walking into that buzz saw.

You can't just sit back and watch this great tradition die.

All right, you didn't hear this from me,

but PTA's a democracy, Hank.

You're a parent.

You bring a motion to the floor

and you get the votes,

you can bring the cheerleaders back.

Democracyin action.

The answer was there all along.

The beauty of it is, it's not on me.

Well, I gotta go to the geography classroom.

Some kid drew balls on Florida.

All those in favor?

Motion to turn the air on is accepted.

That completes New Business.

Uh, wait. I have a motion I'd like to bring to the floor.

Reluctantly, the chair allows.

Powder Puff cheerleading

has been a grand and often hilarious tradition

in Tom Landry Middle School athletics.

You'll notice how much fun all these kids are having.

Ugh!

I don't see anyone who looks offended.

Look, they're all having the time of their lives.

The time of their lives.

What's really offensive

is watching those girls play football.

Uh... you're really not helping, Coach.

In summation, Powder Puff cheerleading

is away for these boys to have some fun,

make people laugh and create friendships

that will last a lifetime.

It's true.

I think these men make a good point.

Maybe we should reconsider our stance on this.

I can't do that.

It would undermine my leadership.

I can't risk all this.

What's "all this?"

Staying here all night

when we could be home with our families?

Peggy! Don't...

You are interfering with procedure

and gavel-handling.

I support Mr. Hill's motion.

This isn't about ridicule.

It's about freedom of expression.

Girls should be able to play football,

and boys should be able to put on skirts and wigs

and cheer their hearts out.

Gaymen should be able to come out of the closet

and be openly and unapologetically gay,

and working mothers

should be able to go back to work

if that is what

they really want.

Who's gay in the PTA?!

Ooh, spicy!

Ladies and gentlemen, parents and teachers,

I move to reinstate the Powder Puff cheerleaders.

Is there a second?

I second.

Hey, hey, hey!

Sorry.

That's how we second a motion in the gun club.

Show of hands.

All those in favor?

Opposed?

A tie.

Carl, you know how this works.

The principal's vote breaks any ties.

So, what's it gonna be?

Oh, oh, ohh...

Aw, Carl.

Sorry, Hank.

Motion fails to pass.

You know, if this was a movie,

we'd get to be cheerleaders again...

and Kurt Russell would be my dad!

We're gonna find away to fight this.

I don't know about you, but my pantyhose

came three to a pack... and I plan on using all three.

Here!

Run!

Hey! This isn't my fault.

Blue 32. Blue 32. Hike! Run!

Come on, guys, get it together!

Ready?

Okay!

I said... Thank you, sweet Jesus.

Look, Bobby's rallying his troops.

And, hey, he's starting a fake cat fight.

And Joseph's storming off.

My son's a diva!

You can't do this.

It's been banned.

What's been banned?

We're just fans of Powder Puff football

who happen to be cross-dressers!

Or does the PTA have some problem with cross-dressing?

No, no, of course not.

Transvestite and transgender individuals are protected

when participating in public activity.

Ohh!

I'm having a contraction!

It's a bouncing babyball!

Shh. It's okay.

Look, Hank.

Have you ever seen such a beautifully punted baby?

Well, that sure does bring back memories.

But I'm so pretty.