King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 12, Episode 13 - The Accidental Terrorist - full transcript

Ladybird,

stop licking my money.

Dad, guess what?

I finally saved enough money

to buy a brand-new Game Station.

Your first major purchase. Congratulations, Bobby.

If you want, I can take you down to Jensen's Electronics World.

That's okay.

I was looking on eBay

and Gadget Champ seems to have the best price.

They sell your e-mail address



and pass the savings on to you.

Bobby, you can't make major purchases

from a stranger on the Internet.

If your game breaks down,

do you think the Gadget Champ's gonna come fix it?

I don't know.

Well I do. He won't.

Son, business is like life.

You have to find people you trust

and stay loyal to 'em.

That's why I have a guy

for about every purchase I make.

Phil Wilkerson for my insurance.

Bill Honnell for my tools,



Eddie Holcomb for my...

The car died, again.

Luckily Bill was right behind me when it happened

so he gave me a lift.

Huh. He was behind you

the last time it broke down.

Well, that's lucky.

I-I guess.

I need a new car, Hank.

Well, all right.

At least I get to take Bobby to see my car guy, Tom Hammond.

Son, I'm gonna show you the right way to buy.

Okay.

I don't need to go anywhere else, Bill!

Why don't they make brown cars anymore?

This is it!

Hank, I think I found my car.

A convertible?

That's pretty funny, Peggy.

Uh... Oh.

It's my choice, right, Hank?

Well, if I were you, I'd go big.

A towering SUV says strength, power,

and in some subcultures of America,

potent fertility.

Uh...

Peggy wants a convertible.

She knows you're a heterosexual, right?

It's Peggy's car.

It's not like I'd ever be driving it.

But it'll be in, your driveway.

Uh, I hadn't considered that.

Oh, good Lord.

You see Bobby, when you're a loyal customer

of an established brick and mortar business,

you can trust that you're getting the best deal,

on a car with a roof.

Apparently boring comes standard on these models.

Hank, these are just not doing it for me.

Well, don't rush it.

Consider all the factors, including safety.

Hank Hill, is that you?

Well, get your butt over here.

Well, looks like I've been spotted.

Better go get my hellos out of the way.

Shall I box that up for you

or would you rather wear it home?

Oh, I'd love to.

But unfortunately,

my husband doesn't want me to buy a convertible.

I bet your husband doesn't want you

to vote either, does he?

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you come on in and see
what the 21st century feels like?

Oh, yeah! I'll take it!

Well, you know normally I would never
let you ride on a lift like this,

but since you're riding with Charlie,

I know you're in good hands.

Okay, ride's over, Bobby.

Let's go buy a car.

All right!

Lower me down, Charlie.

Just sign by the X's,

and this baby's all yours.

Should I be doing this?

A carefree convertible owner would say yes.

So...

yes!

Mmm. I'm sorry, but this is sticker price.

Which according to my research is way too high.

You girls.

What, what crazy research is that?

A combination of Internet, phone calls,

and what I like to call, my horse sense.

So let's talk business.

Well, all right. How about this?

That is close.

But this...

is closer.

Hey, Hank.

Hey, Mr. Draper.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Boy, you wore me down, Peggy.

Just in time. I was getting ready to pretend to walk out.

Okay, just sign by the X's and it's all yours.

Peggy?

Tom?

What's going on here?

I was buying a convertible.

What? Hank Hill, you son of a gun.

Why, I didn't know Peggy was your wife.

Good to see you, partner.

Well, it's good to see you, Tom.

I just wish it was under happier circumstance.

Oh, I'm sorry, I just got caught up in the moment.

I guess because I just wanted it so bad.

I'll go look at sedans.

Mr. Hammond, do you have any brown ones?

Well, now, hold on. You know what, Peggy?

If you really want this car that bad,

then, well, then you should have it.

Really? Yep. Why don't you go get some water

and let me and Tom finish up this deal?

Thank you, Hank! I got him down to a really good price.

Well, I'm sure you did.

Bobby, I'd like you to meet Tom Hammond.

My dad loves you so much!

He did it again!

All right!

Congratulations, Peggy!

You should have been in there, Mom.

They told stories, shook hands,

and then we got a new car.

Now just remember not to tell anyone

about the deal I just gave you.

This is the highest clearance, Hank.

I know, level ten.

Okay, since you're family,

I think it's time I let you both in on a little secret.

Well, here it is,

the Hank Hill special.

Wait, that can't be right.

That would mean you paid sticker price.

And not a dime more. Right, Bobby?

Right, Dad.

Well, I'll see you both at home.

Way to go! Congratulations!

I love it!

What's the matter, Peggy Hill?

You don't like car?

You should, it better than mine.

No, I love the car. Bobby,

you can practice your parade wave later.

Run inside. Okay.

Oh, this must be juicy. What is it?

It's not the car.

It's the price that Hank paid for it.

Hank got his "special deal," right?

Dale always talks about Hank's special deal.

He talks a lot about Hank.

Well, as it turns out,

his "special deal" is really just sticker price.

Sticker price?

No one pay sticker price.

You have to tell Hank Hill he's a chump.

You can't let him keep getting ripped off.

Oh, you can never tell Hank, sug.

Can you imagine what he'd do if he found out
his friend's been lying to him for 25 years?

Nancy's right.

It could get ugly.

That forehead vein finally gonna go.

I guess I will just have to take this to my grave.

And since I know things about each of you,

I expect you to do the same.

Redcorn,

Banxi kasae laywan lap.

Where are you going?

We're going to get my Game Station

from Dad's electronics guy.

You have an electronics guy, too?

Don't you shop around for anything?

I mean, the new dishwasher, you shopped around for that, right?

Well, I let Jerry Biddle at The Appliance Center

do my comparative shopping for me.

He said he personally checked every store

in Heimlich County and couldn't find
anyone that could beat his deal.

Fantastic.

Hello, neighbors!

So, Hank, I hear you bought new car.

Expensive, new car.

Oh, look, it's Ted Wassonasong.

Ted?

Where you see Ted?

Hello, Uncle Hank.

Is Aunt Peggy home?

She's supposed to go with me to buy a crib.

I want it to be as much like my uterus as possible.

You should take Dad with you.

He just bought Mom's car

for sticker price and not a dime more.

Sticker price? Oh, no!

Dang it, Bobby, that was supposed to be a secret.

But Lucky always says that people who pay sticker price...

Okay, now, I will tell a secret.

I have to use prescription deodorant!

Sticker price?

Everyone knows sticker price is the sucker price.

You're a sucker, Hank Hill!

Okay, what's going on, Peggy?

Everyone out.

How much you pay for this pen,

Hank Hill?

Hank, I do not know an easy way to say this,

so, I guess I will just say it

the slow and painful way.

No one pays sticker price.

Tom Hammond ripped you off

and has been ripping you off for the last 25 years.

What? The price I was gonna pay for that car

was $2,500 lower

than your "special deal."

You overpaid for that car,

and probably every car

that you've ever bought from him.

So, you're looking to buy a car, are you?

Uh, yes, sir.

But, uh, this is my first car,

so I don't really know what I'm doing.

You see the price on that sticker?

Well, that's the price you're gonna pay for this car.

Not a dime more for the football star.

Wow! Well, thank you.

Now, you've got to promise me you won't go

telling anybody about the deal I just gave you.

Yup. Yup.

Mm-hmm.

I'm a chump.

There, I said it.

That's it, as your friend,

I have no choice but to put you

on an immediate suicide watch, Hank.

I'm not going to kill myself.

Then I'm putting you homicide watch,

because you're gonna kill something,

and if it's not yourself, it could be me.

It seems like it's all good, man.

Next thing you know them dang ol' reporter come by

talking 'bout, "W ell, Hank always seemed like

a very quiet man, you know."

Gun!

You, too, can be rich like

Dr. Money and have champagne for breakfast.

And caviar for your cat.

How much return do you want for your investment?

Maybe it's a good thing this all happened, Hank.

Bobby should knowhow things really work.

Now at least when the world crushes him,

he'll see it coming.

But I don't want the boy thinking

the world is a dishonest place.

But sometimes it is.

Come here, son. It's time I told you how the world really works.

If you don't mind I'm gonna take your wallet,

push you to the ground and then kick you in the gut.

Um, okay.

No, no, dang it.

It doesn't have to be this way.

I'm gonna go see that bastard Tom Hammond.

Oh, no! Hank Hill, wh... not two times in one month.

Have mercy, man, I've got a mortgage, for God's sake.

Stop it, Tom.

It's all over. I know.

Y-you know what, buddy?

That you've been selling me a bag of lies

for the last 25 years.

How could you, Tom?

Well, what can I say, Hank? I'm a salesman.

I know, you're a salesman.

That's why none of this makes any sense.

Look, I just want the $2,500 back

that I over paid for Peggy's car.

I wish I could help you, Hank,

but the paperwork's already gone through.

The deal's official.

Dang it, Tom!

You not only lied to me, you lied to my son.

How would your son feel

if he came home from the Army and he...

wait a second.

Is your boy even in the Army?

Mm, my boy's a stand-up comedian.

In Austin.

But a deal's a deal, Hank.

I don't believe this.

You know what, Tom? I'm going to teach you what loyalty means.

Mark my words.

Ain't it the truth?

Yes, it is. And I'm telling you right now,

that Tom Hammond has got to be stopped.

I know! I did a whole term paper on the damage

people like Tom Hammond are doing to the world.

Well, there is no way I'm letting Tom Hammond

make this world a place that don't want my son to live in.

I want to join your fight.

Well, all right. You can meet me at the car lot at 5:00 a.m.

5:00 a. M?

Okay.

Hey. Bah!

It's me, Alex from the copy store.

Who's that?

And why are they crawling?

That's Falcon and Sparrow, my friends.

Man, we're so stoked!

We had so much fun coming up with code names last night.

It feels so good to finally be doing something.

Well, that's right, it sure does.

Would have been better if you guys had been on time, though.

Now I've got to go get ready for work.

We weren't late. We were hitting
the other side of the dealership.

Oh, well, that's great.

Well, I guess our work here is done.

If you guys ever need any propane, look me up.

Propane?

Aww, that would have been great!

Next time.

Yep, Bobby, right about now,

the dealership should be opening up.

I'd love to see Tom scrambling

to take all those flyers off the cars

before the customers get there.

Ooh, I'd love to see that cheater's face!

Well, I am just glad you did not drive my car through his ass.

I didn't know how you were going to do that,

but you sounded serious.

So how's your morning going, Hank?

Pretty darn good, I tell ya what, and yours, Dale?

Well, Joseph went to his first sleepover last night.

Didn't go so well; he's a cuddler.

So I had to go pick him up.

Hmm, sorry to hear that.

Not done. On our way home, we saw an explosion coming

from Tom Hammond's car lot.

Then we saw what looked like your truck

driving away from the lot.

What?!

So why'd you do it, Hank?

And more importantly how,

because it looked like a really good job.

Oh, Hank!

You must cover your tracks.

We'll have to kill Dale.

There's nothing to cover up.

I didn't blowup anything.

I was just passing out flyers.

Dad, I'm confused.

So you should trust people until they betray you,

and then try to blow'em up?

Yes! No, Bobby!

I wasn't trying to blow people up.

I was just putting flyers on the cars.

Alex and his friend, the Falcon,

must have done it after I left.

Okay, okay.

So you did not blow up the cars.

You were just a disgruntled customer

hanging out with someone named the Falcon.

Now, if that's the story we're going with,

that the story I will memorize.

It's not a story, Peggy!

It's the truth.

I'm gonna go talk to the police and straighten this out.

Excuse me, do you remember a tall, sickly looking kid

with one of those mustache beards

who was in here last night?

You mean him?

No, that's not him. Him?

Or him?

Sir, we got a liberal arts college

and a halfway house down the road.

You've got to be more specific.

So, Mr. Hill, how many sickly kids

did you say helped you blowup the lot?

Three. Wait, they didn't help me blowup the lot.

They did it by themselves. So you were just the ringleader?

No, I told you I didn't blow up anything.

Wait, am I a suspect?

Tell him no or he could lawyer up.

Frank,

the video surveillance has been checked.

We have a positive ID on the perp.

The name's Hank Hill.

You probably heard that.

I was just putting flyers on the cars.

The other guys were the ones blowing up the cars.

By "other guys" you mean the imaginary kids

the cameras just happened to not pick up?

The cameras didn't pick 'em up because they
were dressed in all black and most of the time

they were crawling around on their bellies.

I'll give it to you straight, Hank.

You're looking at major time for this.

And the hole's getting deeper with every lie you tell.

That's not my husband!

What's my next line?

I'm blanking, Hank.

Okay, enough.

It is me on the tape.

Good-bye, Hank!

But I swear to you I did not blow up any cars.

I was just putting flyers on the cars

because I wanted other people to know

Tom Hammond has been taking advantage of...

Stop right there, Hank.

Well, speak of the devil, and Charlie, too.

Officer Brown, that's the lying,
cheating man you should be arresting.

I know you're mad, Hank, but I didn't
think you'd be mad enough to torch my lot.

The only thing I'm guilty of is trusting you.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.
I may go to jail, but I've zipped my lips

for the last time.

J.B., I've been in business

with Hank Hillfor 25 years.

If he says he didn't do it,

then by God, he didn't do it.

Can we at least

watch the rest of the tape, Tom?

Do you know how many strings I had to pull

to get the conference room with the VCR?

There's no need. Now I'm not pressing charges.

Hank's the most honest man I know.

If he looks you in the eye, and shakes your hand

and tells you he didn't do something, then he didn't do it.

So what say we just leave this all behind us, Hank?

Let's go home, Peggy.

You really believe he's innocent, Tom?

Hell, no. But, I know Hank. He will not let this die.

He'd fight us all the way. Hell, he'd be up at the Supreme Court

telling Judge Scalia that I gouge my damn customers.

Do you know what that could do to my business?

It ain't worth it.

I sold that man five cars at sticker price.

All in all it was a pretty good run.

Hey, I'm Chet Haddock.

What can I do for you?

Hi, Chet, my name's Hank Hill.

That name sounds familiar.

Oh, right.

Uh, how can I help you, sir?

By helping my son.

Hey, Chet, I'm Bobby Hill,

and I'm interested in buying a Game Station.

Is this the best price you can give me?

After I take another ten...

no, no, 20% off, it will be.

Chet, looks like you're gonna be

my electronics guy.

Hank always seemed like a very qulet man, you know.