King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 1, Episode 5 - Luanne's Saga - full transcript
After Buckley dumps Luanne Hank takes it upon himself to find her a new boyfriend, but for his own personal gain.
[Theme music]
[Grunting]
Just two more, come on.
ANNOUNCER: Okay, five more.
Okay, five more!
Hey, you said two!
You can't predict this tape.
I've done it enough to know.
My Game Boy's out of batteries.
I need to get on the Nintendo, quick!
Just a minute, Bobby. Get ready to turn.
And turn!
Way to go, Bobby.
Hi, Uncle Hank.
Shut that off!
Bobby, stop dancing. Now!
He's not just dancing.
He's firming his thighs
and tightening his buttocks.
Watch your mouth!
[Hank yelling]
HANK: Luanne!
Damn it. Look at this place.
LUANNE: What is it, Uncle Hank?
The sofa bed's in the "out" position.
HANK: I can't find nothing in here anymore.
LUANNE: What are you looking for?
HANK: I didn't used to have to be
looking for something.
I'd come into my den and just look.
Look at my different stuff
and get ideas about what I want.
Don't worry, Uncle Hank.
I'll be out of your hair soon.
I think Buckley's going to
ask me to move in.
Isn't it neat?
I'll be going from Daddy to you to Buckley.
Yeah, it's an amazing journey, Luanne.
What about this?
Maybe you want this record?
- No, it doesn't work like that.
- How about this tackle box?
Luanne, what did I just...
Well, that might need reorganizing.
[Motorcycle approaching]
HANK: Get a muffler!
[AII shouting]
BILL: What do you think you're doing?
Why do you let Luanne
go out with that hairball?
It's none of my business.
She's not my daughter.
Anyway, Buckley may be dumb as dirt,
but he's her ticket out of my house.
[Tires screeching]
Keep going!
They should be out of my sight by now.
[Shouting]
[Sobbing]
LUANNE: He... I... We... Oh...
[Muttering] Man, them dang old birds,
man, flying low this season.
They's probably dang old awkward, man,
tell you what.
[Sobbing]
What the hell was that?
That was a breakup.
At least, that's what it was
the last time I ran into the house crying.
[Sobbing hysterically]
[Laughing nervously]
A lot of tears.
Guess what was on sale?
Oh, my Lord! You've been dumped!
There, there. All right.
You tell Aunt Peggy all about it.
[Sobbing]
[Sobbing]
[Saw running]
Fishsticks?
HANK: I was almost killed at work today...
Okay, Hank, please! Try and be sensitive.
[Sobbing]
Okay, honey. Go ahead. You let it out.
It is natural.
This is the healing process.
[Luanne snorting]
[Luanne sobbing]
[Sighing]
- Peggy.
- I had a talk with her today.
We are past the first hump.
So, that leaves only seven more humps.
Peggy, I need you to fix her now.
Without my quiet time,
I am not an effective propane salesman.
You can't rush it, Hank.
The formula is,
for however long she was dating him...
that's how long it takes to get over him.
You mean,
we got three more weeks of this?
If you don't fix her, I'll have to.
Honey, I don't think you have
the tools for that job.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Remember when my aunt died...
and you kept grabbing my waist
and saying, "Let's wrestle"?
Yeah. You told me it helped you.
I did? Well, yes, it did.
- See?
- Lf you really want to help...
sometime tomorrow,
tell Luanne she looks pretty.
- What's that got to do with anything?
- She just needs to hear it from a man.
Three words, "You look pretty."
And nothing more.
MAN ON TV:
So, what you thinking about, Stu?
STU: I'm thinking about flipping that steak.
All righty!
No! Flip that other one!
ANNOUNCER: Don't go away.
We'll be right back
with more of Make a Steak.
MALE SINGER: At Mega Lo Mart
you're shopping for the rest of your life
How you doing out there?
I'm Chuck Mangione.
You know, even celebrities
have to hunt for bargains.
That's why I go to the Mega Lo Mart,
where shopping feels so good!
This week, 12 five-pound bags
of gourmet chocolates for $10.
That's Buckley's section.
[Sobbing]
You look pretty.
I was dumped!
PEGGY [Flashback]:
Three words, nothing more.
"You look pretty." Nothing more.
Why aren't you saying anything?
[Stammers]
I never liked that Buckley.
You should be happy.
That guy was an annoying,
greasy-headed loser.
I was dumped by a loser.
[Sobbing]
Jeez.
Luanne, sometimes,
life throws you a curve ball.
There's two ways you can deal with it.
You can cry,
and that's the path you've chosen...
or you can not cry.
How do you not cry?
Well, instead of letting it out...
try holding it in.
Every time you have a feeling...
just stick it into a little pit
inside your stomach and never let it out.
Are you supposed to have a pain
under your rib?
Yes. That's natural.
The body doesn't want to swallow
its emotions.
But now you go ahead and
put that pain inside your stomach, too.
I think it's working, Uncle Hank.
I feel sick, but not sad.
There you go. Look at my friend, Bill.
He went through
the worst divorce this county's ever seen.
But you never see him crying.
But you never see him crying.
[Bill sobbing]
- I'm scared I'll never find another guy.
- Don't worry about that.
Peggy told me.
If you dated your old boyfriend
for three weeks...
you'll get a new one in three weeks, tops.
LUANNE: Another thing
I hate about Buckley...
he takes me to all-you-can-eat
and says I have to sneak off his plate...
so I just get iced tea.
Then he's too scared
of getting caught to share.
I hate guys like that.
Why do boys with braces
always want to French kiss?
[Stammers]
Pass me some more of that cookie dough.
[Moans]
I never knew you could eat it raw.
It's almost as good as ice cream.
They make ice cream
with cookie dough already in it.
Damn, sister. Get me my keys!
[Laughing]
PEGGY: Luanne, where've you been?
- We were supposed to be crying all night.
- I spent the whole day with Uncle Hank.
Luanne, why don't you
go get the fold-out ready?
Okay. Good night,
Uncle Hank and Aunt Peggy.
- Good night. Hank, what did you do?
- I did what you couldn't do.
I'm not saying you're not good
at what you do.
I'm just saying I'm better.
I went in there and fixed her,
like fixing a carburetor.
And you know what?
It was fun. Like fixing a carburetor.
But, Hank, I told you not to meddle.
This is a natural process,
and you cannot manipulate...
You know, you look pretty.
Really?
Oh, Hank.
Well, that's sweet.
- But I mean it. You have got to stop...
- You look pretty, Peg.
Oh, thank you.
[Country music playing in bar]
HANK: You ladies go on ahead.
We've got to help Bill close his jeans.
All right, let's go.
All right, we have to find
a nice boyfriend for Luanne.
That seems like a pile of work
just to get your den back.
Well, it's not about my den.
It's about that poor girl living in my den.
So, what's her type?
[Instrumental rock music]
Never mind about her type.
Just find a regular guy.
It's a scientific fact
that women like round, muscular butts.
I'm going to look for a guy
with a round, muscular butt.
Maybe we should split up.
One more thing.
Peggy doesn't know about this.
- Well, you want me to tell her?
- No, Bill.
Just dance with her. Keep her busy.
What? Me? Dancing?
I don't want... I don't know...
My arms around a warm... Okay.
[Country music playing]
Hmm.
No.
Hmm.
Possible.
Dale, I bought you a beer.
Mind if I dance with your wife?
Take her.
Sucker.
[Muttering] No, man.
You don't have to worry about that.
You go out with Luanne, she'll go dutch.
There'll be no other way.
Well, you smell nice.
Dance with me, sugar?
I tell you what, it's that dang old CK One,
man, just like catnip.
Hey...
You seem like a regular guy.
- Hey, what's Hank doing over there?
- I don't see him.
Bill, why are you spinning me
into Souvenir Gulch?
It's been awhile.
I can't remember all the steps.
Just do what I say, and we'll get along fine.
On three, brush right, then fan left,
and scoop and scrape the sky.
- What's your name, son?
- Wade, sir.
- That's some buckle you got there.
- Thank you, sir.
Means a lot coming from a man like you,
who, I can plainly see...
knows a thing or two about buckles.
[Hank stammering]
Well, this round's on me.
And grapevine left, pitch right,
fan, fan, double-dog-down.
Get your kick. Now slap that heel.
Heel, toe, heel, toe...
- Quarterback, huh?
- Varsity.
- Love your mama?
- You know I do.
- She cook with a gas range?
- Propane.
- I don't know if I'm ready, Uncle Hank.
- Sure you are.
And Wade's a catch and a half.
He can run the 40 in under 5 seconds.
- But my heart is telling me...
- Your heart is telling you?
Who's the boss? You or your heart?
You are. Your heart is your employee.
So get your heart off its butt
and back to work.
You're right, Uncle Hank.
What am I waiting for?
Let's go get Wade!
[Music stops]
Bill, you need more confidence in yourself.
If you ask Peggy Hill,
you Boot Scoot with the best of them.
I don't know...
EMCEE: All right,
this next one's going to be ladies' choice.
Excuse me, Bill.
[Music starts again]
Hey, Peggy.
Better than aerobics, huh?
You worked up quite a sweat.
That's not my sweat.
- Where's Luanne?
- Luanne's fine.
She's gonna get a ride home with a friend.
Tush-push on three!
And three!
Is Luanne going to marry
her new boyfriend?
Well, you never can tell.
But my guess is, yeah.
BUCKLEY: Luanne!
HANK: That's Buckley!
Those better be for me!
No, they're for me for later.
Where's Luanne?
Luanne is out with her new boyfriend.
She's in love. You blew it, diphead.
You can't compete with this new guy.
He's a football player.
And football players
know how to treat women right.
Now get off my lawn, and don't come back.
Why did you send Buckley away?
Luanne wants him back.
Not going to happen.
I found her a new guy.
You broke the rebound rule?
What has gotten into you, Hank?
Well, I was kind of hoping
she might fall in love with Wade.
Hope in one hand and boo in the other.
See which one gets full first.
You are out of your depth, Hank Hill.
You've opened a Pandora's Box.
A box that has a sign that reads,
"For Women Only."
As long as it took that river to carve
the Grand Canyon...
that is how long women have been learning
to subtly manipulate relationships.
You only think it's easy...
because we make it look easy.
Did you really believe...
you could step in and fix it overnight?
Could you really be such a fool?
Woe is you, Hank Hill. Woe is you!
No! Everything is going to be fine.
Wade's a good guy.
You don't know. He runs fast.
It'll be fine.
[Tires screeching]
What's that?
See? Everything's fine.
Good old Wade drove her home.
Look at that, he's fixed his Dodge up
just like Boomhauer's.
PEGGY: Why on earth
would anyone do that?
Boomhauer!
Good night. Thanks for the lift.
No!
HANK: Luanne, what happened to Wade?
Why aren't you with Wade? I want Wade!
As soon as you left,
Wade turned into Mr. Grabby Sam.
I think you fixed me up with him
to get your den back.
Thank goodness Boomhauer gave me a lift.
A lift? Is that
what they're calling it these days?
You can't trust this guy.
He's a no-good, immoral,
skirt-chasing rascal.
At least you like him better than Buckley.
What are you saying?
He's your new boyfriend?
PEGGY: Hank?
LUANNE: So? What if he is?
If he is, he ain't no more!
You can't tell me what to do.
You're not my father.
Yeah, I guess not. Damn straight I'm not.
But while you're under my roof,
I'm your landlord!
And as your landlord,
I forbid you to date Boomhauer!
- Shut up, Hank.
- I can find another roof!
I'll stay at Boomhauer's!
- Fine!
- Fine!
Hey, wait, man. This ain't gonna work out...
these little gals coming around here,
flat out no, man.
Thanks, Boomhauer. Let's go.
These dang old women from Mars, man.
I'll tell you what.
Don't go in there, Luanne. I'm warning you.
You'll be sorry!
DALE: Damn it! This neighborhood
is turning into Melrose Place.
[Leaf blower running]
Hank, it is after midnight!
What the heck are you doing?
Clearing some space for my leaf blower.
Hank, this is not about
the leaf blower, is it?
Sure it is.
[Swallowing]
- What are you eating?
- Nothing.
You're eating your emotions, aren't you?
Maybe. Who knows?
I don't care. Whatever.
You thought you could fix Luanne
like a flywheel drive plate.
But a flywheel drive plate
doesn't talk back.
Flywheel drive plates do not have feelings.
- Flywheel drive plates...
- I took her in, Peg.
I put a 20-year roof over her head
and a sofa sleeper under the rest of her.
And this is the thanks I get?
Well, no thanks.
[Gulping]
Just face it, Hank Hill.
The only reason you're this upset is
because you care so much about Luanne.
The only thing I care about
is getting my den back.
Boy, I've never been in here before.
It sure is bachelory.
Can I turn this light on?
[Stammering]
That's real pretty. Gosh.
You move very fast, Boomhauer, but...
I'm having all these feelings,
and I need just a little time to...
[Door slams]
[Sighs]
HANK: Okay, last case of beer.
Let's divvy it up.
BILL: Hey!
It don't split up even anymore.
DALE: That one's Boomhauer's.
That cradle robber's
getting none of my beer.
Boomhauer didn't do anything.
Even if he did, why do you care?
Luanne's not your relation.
Hell, she's my wife's brother's daughter.
You can't get any closer than that.
Look, let's just split that six-pack up.
We can each take two.
Tell you what, I'll take the whole thing.
Okay, Mom, let's try a move of my own.
And split kick right, and back...
and split kick left, and sideways shuffle.
Go!
- Are you okay, Bobby?
- Yeah.
Well, it was a nice move.
- Yeah.
- Oh, honey.
- It's just not right without Luanne.
- Yeah.
This was a nice idea, Peg.
Get us out of that house.
Son, they got eight kinds of ketchup here...
and three kinds of catsup.
BOOMHAUER: I think I'll have
some fried chicken...
a plate of fried chicken, French fries,
and some fried okra.
Luanne! And Boomhauer, too.
Well, isn't this a nice surprise?
Is that gravy lumpy tonight?
Hi, Aunt Peggy, Uncle Hank.
I'll take a bowl of the white gravy
and a bowl of brown gravy.
Hey, Dad, it's Luanne, right behind you.
Dad! It's Luanne!
Hey, Dad. Can't you hear me?
Luanne, right behind you!
Hank, man, I don't know what
you're thinking, but you've got to know...
I'm no Woody Allen with that Soon-Li.
Nothing's going to happen.
Boomhauer, you're not going
to talk your way out of this one.
- Uncle Hank, I was...
- Don't "Uncle" me anymore, Luanne.
Just come on by tomorrow,
and pick your stuff up.
I got it all boxed and ready to go.
PEGGY: You finally got your wish.
You are going to get your den back.
I hope you're happy.
[Sobbing]
HANK: Look, she's crying again.
I guess she just got dumped
by her new boyfriend, Boomhauer.
[Whispering] He didn't dump her, you did.
What was that?
BOBBY: She said,
"Boomhauer didn't dump her, you did!"
Pass the catsup.
[Sighs]
LUANNE: I came for my stuff.
HANK: It's all in there.
[Sobbing]
I was moving stuff around...
and it seems that
the room looks a little better this way.
The bed is even out.
I figure there's no sense
in packing it up night after night.
I love you, Uncle Hank.
[Sobbing]
Oh, Lord.
[Sobbing]
Is he still looking?
Yeah.
You know, Hank,
maybe it's time to settle this.
Yeah...
I just hate these big emotional scenes.
Well, let's get it over with.
Boomhauer!
Yeah?
HANK: Beer?
Yeah.
That was beautiful.
[Gulping]
[Gulping]
[Grunting]
Just two more, come on.
ANNOUNCER: Okay, five more.
Okay, five more!
Hey, you said two!
You can't predict this tape.
I've done it enough to know.
My Game Boy's out of batteries.
I need to get on the Nintendo, quick!
Just a minute, Bobby. Get ready to turn.
And turn!
Way to go, Bobby.
Hi, Uncle Hank.
Shut that off!
Bobby, stop dancing. Now!
He's not just dancing.
He's firming his thighs
and tightening his buttocks.
Watch your mouth!
[Hank yelling]
HANK: Luanne!
Damn it. Look at this place.
LUANNE: What is it, Uncle Hank?
The sofa bed's in the "out" position.
HANK: I can't find nothing in here anymore.
LUANNE: What are you looking for?
HANK: I didn't used to have to be
looking for something.
I'd come into my den and just look.
Look at my different stuff
and get ideas about what I want.
Don't worry, Uncle Hank.
I'll be out of your hair soon.
I think Buckley's going to
ask me to move in.
Isn't it neat?
I'll be going from Daddy to you to Buckley.
Yeah, it's an amazing journey, Luanne.
What about this?
Maybe you want this record?
- No, it doesn't work like that.
- How about this tackle box?
Luanne, what did I just...
Well, that might need reorganizing.
[Motorcycle approaching]
HANK: Get a muffler!
[AII shouting]
BILL: What do you think you're doing?
Why do you let Luanne
go out with that hairball?
It's none of my business.
She's not my daughter.
Anyway, Buckley may be dumb as dirt,
but he's her ticket out of my house.
[Tires screeching]
Keep going!
They should be out of my sight by now.
[Shouting]
[Sobbing]
LUANNE: He... I... We... Oh...
[Muttering] Man, them dang old birds,
man, flying low this season.
They's probably dang old awkward, man,
tell you what.
[Sobbing]
What the hell was that?
That was a breakup.
At least, that's what it was
the last time I ran into the house crying.
[Sobbing hysterically]
[Laughing nervously]
A lot of tears.
Guess what was on sale?
Oh, my Lord! You've been dumped!
There, there. All right.
You tell Aunt Peggy all about it.
[Sobbing]
[Sobbing]
[Saw running]
Fishsticks?
HANK: I was almost killed at work today...
Okay, Hank, please! Try and be sensitive.
[Sobbing]
Okay, honey. Go ahead. You let it out.
It is natural.
This is the healing process.
[Luanne snorting]
[Luanne sobbing]
[Sighing]
- Peggy.
- I had a talk with her today.
We are past the first hump.
So, that leaves only seven more humps.
Peggy, I need you to fix her now.
Without my quiet time,
I am not an effective propane salesman.
You can't rush it, Hank.
The formula is,
for however long she was dating him...
that's how long it takes to get over him.
You mean,
we got three more weeks of this?
If you don't fix her, I'll have to.
Honey, I don't think you have
the tools for that job.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Remember when my aunt died...
and you kept grabbing my waist
and saying, "Let's wrestle"?
Yeah. You told me it helped you.
I did? Well, yes, it did.
- See?
- Lf you really want to help...
sometime tomorrow,
tell Luanne she looks pretty.
- What's that got to do with anything?
- She just needs to hear it from a man.
Three words, "You look pretty."
And nothing more.
MAN ON TV:
So, what you thinking about, Stu?
STU: I'm thinking about flipping that steak.
All righty!
No! Flip that other one!
ANNOUNCER: Don't go away.
We'll be right back
with more of Make a Steak.
MALE SINGER: At Mega Lo Mart
you're shopping for the rest of your life
How you doing out there?
I'm Chuck Mangione.
You know, even celebrities
have to hunt for bargains.
That's why I go to the Mega Lo Mart,
where shopping feels so good!
This week, 12 five-pound bags
of gourmet chocolates for $10.
That's Buckley's section.
[Sobbing]
You look pretty.
I was dumped!
PEGGY [Flashback]:
Three words, nothing more.
"You look pretty." Nothing more.
Why aren't you saying anything?
[Stammers]
I never liked that Buckley.
You should be happy.
That guy was an annoying,
greasy-headed loser.
I was dumped by a loser.
[Sobbing]
Jeez.
Luanne, sometimes,
life throws you a curve ball.
There's two ways you can deal with it.
You can cry,
and that's the path you've chosen...
or you can not cry.
How do you not cry?
Well, instead of letting it out...
try holding it in.
Every time you have a feeling...
just stick it into a little pit
inside your stomach and never let it out.
Are you supposed to have a pain
under your rib?
Yes. That's natural.
The body doesn't want to swallow
its emotions.
But now you go ahead and
put that pain inside your stomach, too.
I think it's working, Uncle Hank.
I feel sick, but not sad.
There you go. Look at my friend, Bill.
He went through
the worst divorce this county's ever seen.
But you never see him crying.
But you never see him crying.
[Bill sobbing]
- I'm scared I'll never find another guy.
- Don't worry about that.
Peggy told me.
If you dated your old boyfriend
for three weeks...
you'll get a new one in three weeks, tops.
LUANNE: Another thing
I hate about Buckley...
he takes me to all-you-can-eat
and says I have to sneak off his plate...
so I just get iced tea.
Then he's too scared
of getting caught to share.
I hate guys like that.
Why do boys with braces
always want to French kiss?
[Stammers]
Pass me some more of that cookie dough.
[Moans]
I never knew you could eat it raw.
It's almost as good as ice cream.
They make ice cream
with cookie dough already in it.
Damn, sister. Get me my keys!
[Laughing]
PEGGY: Luanne, where've you been?
- We were supposed to be crying all night.
- I spent the whole day with Uncle Hank.
Luanne, why don't you
go get the fold-out ready?
Okay. Good night,
Uncle Hank and Aunt Peggy.
- Good night. Hank, what did you do?
- I did what you couldn't do.
I'm not saying you're not good
at what you do.
I'm just saying I'm better.
I went in there and fixed her,
like fixing a carburetor.
And you know what?
It was fun. Like fixing a carburetor.
But, Hank, I told you not to meddle.
This is a natural process,
and you cannot manipulate...
You know, you look pretty.
Really?
Oh, Hank.
Well, that's sweet.
- But I mean it. You have got to stop...
- You look pretty, Peg.
Oh, thank you.
[Country music playing in bar]
HANK: You ladies go on ahead.
We've got to help Bill close his jeans.
All right, let's go.
All right, we have to find
a nice boyfriend for Luanne.
That seems like a pile of work
just to get your den back.
Well, it's not about my den.
It's about that poor girl living in my den.
So, what's her type?
[Instrumental rock music]
Never mind about her type.
Just find a regular guy.
It's a scientific fact
that women like round, muscular butts.
I'm going to look for a guy
with a round, muscular butt.
Maybe we should split up.
One more thing.
Peggy doesn't know about this.
- Well, you want me to tell her?
- No, Bill.
Just dance with her. Keep her busy.
What? Me? Dancing?
I don't want... I don't know...
My arms around a warm... Okay.
[Country music playing]
Hmm.
No.
Hmm.
Possible.
Dale, I bought you a beer.
Mind if I dance with your wife?
Take her.
Sucker.
[Muttering] No, man.
You don't have to worry about that.
You go out with Luanne, she'll go dutch.
There'll be no other way.
Well, you smell nice.
Dance with me, sugar?
I tell you what, it's that dang old CK One,
man, just like catnip.
Hey...
You seem like a regular guy.
- Hey, what's Hank doing over there?
- I don't see him.
Bill, why are you spinning me
into Souvenir Gulch?
It's been awhile.
I can't remember all the steps.
Just do what I say, and we'll get along fine.
On three, brush right, then fan left,
and scoop and scrape the sky.
- What's your name, son?
- Wade, sir.
- That's some buckle you got there.
- Thank you, sir.
Means a lot coming from a man like you,
who, I can plainly see...
knows a thing or two about buckles.
[Hank stammering]
Well, this round's on me.
And grapevine left, pitch right,
fan, fan, double-dog-down.
Get your kick. Now slap that heel.
Heel, toe, heel, toe...
- Quarterback, huh?
- Varsity.
- Love your mama?
- You know I do.
- She cook with a gas range?
- Propane.
- I don't know if I'm ready, Uncle Hank.
- Sure you are.
And Wade's a catch and a half.
He can run the 40 in under 5 seconds.
- But my heart is telling me...
- Your heart is telling you?
Who's the boss? You or your heart?
You are. Your heart is your employee.
So get your heart off its butt
and back to work.
You're right, Uncle Hank.
What am I waiting for?
Let's go get Wade!
[Music stops]
Bill, you need more confidence in yourself.
If you ask Peggy Hill,
you Boot Scoot with the best of them.
I don't know...
EMCEE: All right,
this next one's going to be ladies' choice.
Excuse me, Bill.
[Music starts again]
Hey, Peggy.
Better than aerobics, huh?
You worked up quite a sweat.
That's not my sweat.
- Where's Luanne?
- Luanne's fine.
She's gonna get a ride home with a friend.
Tush-push on three!
And three!
Is Luanne going to marry
her new boyfriend?
Well, you never can tell.
But my guess is, yeah.
BUCKLEY: Luanne!
HANK: That's Buckley!
Those better be for me!
No, they're for me for later.
Where's Luanne?
Luanne is out with her new boyfriend.
She's in love. You blew it, diphead.
You can't compete with this new guy.
He's a football player.
And football players
know how to treat women right.
Now get off my lawn, and don't come back.
Why did you send Buckley away?
Luanne wants him back.
Not going to happen.
I found her a new guy.
You broke the rebound rule?
What has gotten into you, Hank?
Well, I was kind of hoping
she might fall in love with Wade.
Hope in one hand and boo in the other.
See which one gets full first.
You are out of your depth, Hank Hill.
You've opened a Pandora's Box.
A box that has a sign that reads,
"For Women Only."
As long as it took that river to carve
the Grand Canyon...
that is how long women have been learning
to subtly manipulate relationships.
You only think it's easy...
because we make it look easy.
Did you really believe...
you could step in and fix it overnight?
Could you really be such a fool?
Woe is you, Hank Hill. Woe is you!
No! Everything is going to be fine.
Wade's a good guy.
You don't know. He runs fast.
It'll be fine.
[Tires screeching]
What's that?
See? Everything's fine.
Good old Wade drove her home.
Look at that, he's fixed his Dodge up
just like Boomhauer's.
PEGGY: Why on earth
would anyone do that?
Boomhauer!
Good night. Thanks for the lift.
No!
HANK: Luanne, what happened to Wade?
Why aren't you with Wade? I want Wade!
As soon as you left,
Wade turned into Mr. Grabby Sam.
I think you fixed me up with him
to get your den back.
Thank goodness Boomhauer gave me a lift.
A lift? Is that
what they're calling it these days?
You can't trust this guy.
He's a no-good, immoral,
skirt-chasing rascal.
At least you like him better than Buckley.
What are you saying?
He's your new boyfriend?
PEGGY: Hank?
LUANNE: So? What if he is?
If he is, he ain't no more!
You can't tell me what to do.
You're not my father.
Yeah, I guess not. Damn straight I'm not.
But while you're under my roof,
I'm your landlord!
And as your landlord,
I forbid you to date Boomhauer!
- Shut up, Hank.
- I can find another roof!
I'll stay at Boomhauer's!
- Fine!
- Fine!
Hey, wait, man. This ain't gonna work out...
these little gals coming around here,
flat out no, man.
Thanks, Boomhauer. Let's go.
These dang old women from Mars, man.
I'll tell you what.
Don't go in there, Luanne. I'm warning you.
You'll be sorry!
DALE: Damn it! This neighborhood
is turning into Melrose Place.
[Leaf blower running]
Hank, it is after midnight!
What the heck are you doing?
Clearing some space for my leaf blower.
Hank, this is not about
the leaf blower, is it?
Sure it is.
[Swallowing]
- What are you eating?
- Nothing.
You're eating your emotions, aren't you?
Maybe. Who knows?
I don't care. Whatever.
You thought you could fix Luanne
like a flywheel drive plate.
But a flywheel drive plate
doesn't talk back.
Flywheel drive plates do not have feelings.
- Flywheel drive plates...
- I took her in, Peg.
I put a 20-year roof over her head
and a sofa sleeper under the rest of her.
And this is the thanks I get?
Well, no thanks.
[Gulping]
Just face it, Hank Hill.
The only reason you're this upset is
because you care so much about Luanne.
The only thing I care about
is getting my den back.
Boy, I've never been in here before.
It sure is bachelory.
Can I turn this light on?
[Stammering]
That's real pretty. Gosh.
You move very fast, Boomhauer, but...
I'm having all these feelings,
and I need just a little time to...
[Door slams]
[Sighs]
HANK: Okay, last case of beer.
Let's divvy it up.
BILL: Hey!
It don't split up even anymore.
DALE: That one's Boomhauer's.
That cradle robber's
getting none of my beer.
Boomhauer didn't do anything.
Even if he did, why do you care?
Luanne's not your relation.
Hell, she's my wife's brother's daughter.
You can't get any closer than that.
Look, let's just split that six-pack up.
We can each take two.
Tell you what, I'll take the whole thing.
Okay, Mom, let's try a move of my own.
And split kick right, and back...
and split kick left, and sideways shuffle.
Go!
- Are you okay, Bobby?
- Yeah.
Well, it was a nice move.
- Yeah.
- Oh, honey.
- It's just not right without Luanne.
- Yeah.
This was a nice idea, Peg.
Get us out of that house.
Son, they got eight kinds of ketchup here...
and three kinds of catsup.
BOOMHAUER: I think I'll have
some fried chicken...
a plate of fried chicken, French fries,
and some fried okra.
Luanne! And Boomhauer, too.
Well, isn't this a nice surprise?
Is that gravy lumpy tonight?
Hi, Aunt Peggy, Uncle Hank.
I'll take a bowl of the white gravy
and a bowl of brown gravy.
Hey, Dad, it's Luanne, right behind you.
Dad! It's Luanne!
Hey, Dad. Can't you hear me?
Luanne, right behind you!
Hank, man, I don't know what
you're thinking, but you've got to know...
I'm no Woody Allen with that Soon-Li.
Nothing's going to happen.
Boomhauer, you're not going
to talk your way out of this one.
- Uncle Hank, I was...
- Don't "Uncle" me anymore, Luanne.
Just come on by tomorrow,
and pick your stuff up.
I got it all boxed and ready to go.
PEGGY: You finally got your wish.
You are going to get your den back.
I hope you're happy.
[Sobbing]
HANK: Look, she's crying again.
I guess she just got dumped
by her new boyfriend, Boomhauer.
[Whispering] He didn't dump her, you did.
What was that?
BOBBY: She said,
"Boomhauer didn't dump her, you did!"
Pass the catsup.
[Sighs]
LUANNE: I came for my stuff.
HANK: It's all in there.
[Sobbing]
I was moving stuff around...
and it seems that
the room looks a little better this way.
The bed is even out.
I figure there's no sense
in packing it up night after night.
I love you, Uncle Hank.
[Sobbing]
Oh, Lord.
[Sobbing]
Is he still looking?
Yeah.
You know, Hank,
maybe it's time to settle this.
Yeah...
I just hate these big emotional scenes.
Well, let's get it over with.
Boomhauer!
Yeah?
HANK: Beer?
Yeah.
That was beautiful.
[Gulping]
[Gulping]