King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Order of the Straight Arrow - full transcript

Hey, me and Dale are taking
Bobby's troop up by the lake...

for Order of the Straight Arrow
this weekend.

Y'all want to come, for old time's sake?

Well, of course I'll go.

I'll never miss
an Order of the Straight Arrow.

Not since ours.

Yeah. Ours was something special.

LEADER: Now for the final test.
The snipe hunt.

Not gonna sugarcoat it.
Some of you ain't coming back.

Those who survive will be
honored members...

of the Order of the Straight Arrow.



Those who don't will be dead.

Question. Are you ready?

Yeah!

You flunked the test of silence, Eustace!
Give me your silence stick!

For the rest of your long, miserable life,
you will carry the scar of failure.

Now go get me a beer.

And you boys get out there
and bag some snipe!

[AII yelling]

Snipe!

Shut up, Dale. There is no snipe.

I heard my dad talking to your dad.

So what are we doing out here?

[Muttering] We're gonna get snackered.

I want to get all messed up
and'll just pollute our minds...



is a three cheeks of down wind, man.

[Burps]

When I grow up, I'm gonna drink
this stuff every day, just like my dad...

and fly jets,
and maybe even be an astronaut.

I'm gonna live in London, and be
a rich millionaire, and have people killed.

I'm gonna sell propane
and propane accessories...

if my grades are good enough.

Kids and their crazy dreams.

I'm so depressed, I can't even blink.

[Theme music]

[Tense instrumental music]

[Drilling]

Well, we're gonna make some men
out of those 12-year-old boys tomorrow...

I tell you what.

But we still get to
play practical jokes, right?

DALE: They're not jokes, Bill.
They're painful lessons.

I thank my father for all
the tricks he played on me.

He taught me the most
wonderful lesson a child can learn.

Never trust nobody.

That's how I know
Bob Dole's been faking that dead arm.

BOOMHAUER: I tell you what you do...

that dang old hand-in-the-water trick
is gonna work every time.

You just put it in the water like that,
and it don't...

you spend the whole dad-gum day like
that, cleaning up that dang old pee-pee.

Yeah. But those are getting tired.
We need some new material.

Dad, can me and Bobby bring
life preservers?

If you want to be sissies.

He said yes.

HANK: Hey, Dale. There's your wife's...
BILL: Healer.

Yeah, John Redcorn.
Let's get some funny Indian stuff to do.

Hey, John Redcorn.

Hank, Dale, Bill, Boomhauer.

John Redcorn, we've got this Order
of the Straight Arrow retreat tomorrow.

- And I was wondering...
- I'd be honored to look after your wife.

Well, thanks.

But what I was really wondering...

is if you had some good Indian stuff
for the ceremony around the campfire.

Our rituals are considered sacred
and are passed down only in the Nation.

- Well, that don't bother us.
- Hell, no. We'll take a sacred one.

There is a very ancient ceremony
I learned from my grandfather...

where we call upon
the sacred Wematanye.

And we ask him to breathe life
into our spirit bag.

Let's see. Spirit bags, Wematanye,
funny-Iooking headband.

The boys are gonna eat this stuff up.

The spirit bag is very sacred.
You should not make light.

I like how you say everything's sacred.
That's funny, too.

Let's do that, Hank.

I got a bunch of L'eggs tennis socks
we can use for spirit bags.

I got them in the divorce.

Now every time she plays,
she gets blisters.

It's been six years, Bill.

Don't you think she'd have
bought some new socks by now?

BOBBY: I want to get that
Straight Arrow patch so bad.

I'm gonna put it right here,
next to my sewing badge.

It's supposed to be hard.

I heard they make you walk on hot coals.

And then you have to eat them.

Ew!

After you walk on them?

- Hell. That's hot.
- Hell. You're not kidding.

BOBBY: Fu...
PEGGY: Pardonnez me.

Did I just hear what I almost heard?

I was gonna say, "Fu-get about it."

Son, Peggy Hill knows half
a swear word when she hears one.

Now go to sleep.

You have the coolest mom.

She smells like Miracle Whip.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Eustace.

- How you doing?
- Hey, "Useless."

Ha ha.

All right, Randy.

Remember, the purpose of this weekend
is to have fun.

Daddy loves you whether
you get your Straight Arrow patch or not.

What a load.

Can you imagine how I'd have turned out
if my dad had loved me no matter what?

- Thanks for the bus fare, Aunt Peggy.
- Don't be silly, honey.

It's very important that you be there
for your mama. This is her big day.

Actually, her big day is the sentencing.

- This is just the arraignment.
- Here's a Funsaver.

Take lots of pictures.

PEGGY: Well, okay.

There we go.

Have a good time. Here's a Funsaver.
Take lots of pictures.

Gosh, Peg, if I didn't know better,
I'd think you were anxious to see us go.

Well, that is not true.
You and Bobby are my whole life.

Come on, kids! Let's go!
Everybody in the car! Ándele! Now!

HANK: Hold on, boys. Before we go...

we have to ask the great spirit...

Wematanye, to watch over us on this trip.

- Cool, Indian stuff.
- Wematanye.

This trip is about the sacredness
of Mother Earth and all she gives us.

So pee now, because once
we're on the road, we ain't stopping.

[Engine starting]

I'll see you Sunday, Peg.

Okay. Yeah. All right. Bye-bye.

[Engine stalling]

Damn it. It looks like
we're delayed a couple hours.

I gotta charge up the battery.

[Gasps]

PEGGY: Pop the clutch, hon!

[Peggy grunting]

[Engine starts]

[Tires screeching]

Wematanye. Let's spot license plates.

I see Texas, Wematanye.

Wematanye,
there's another Texas, Wematanye.

- Wematanye, I see Texas, Wematanye.
- Oh, God.

Wematanye, Texas, Wematanye.

Would you guys just shut up?

You didn't say "Wematanye."

Boomhauer, pass them. I got an idea.
Pass 'em up.

[Dale screaming]

Wematanye.
I see Mr. Gribble's butt. Wematanye.

BOOMHAUER: Give them
a little pressed ham.

[Yelling]

RANDY: Wematanye! Texas! Wematanye!
HANK: All right, that's it.

Everybody pile out, right now.

Okay. The 24-hour
oath of silence starts now.

Here are your silence sticks.

Those are Slim Jims.

That's what the white man calls them.

Wematanye calls them silence sticks
to test your spirit of shutting up.

Each time you talk, I take a bite.

Talk five times, and you're out.

24-hour silence starting now.

Right now?

Bobby, son, you just talked.

Now, I'll let that pass. But don't talk again.

Thanks, Dad.

Son, give me that Slim Jim.

I'm hungry.

No problem.

JOSEPH: Mr. Hill, wake up!

That was a test.

Joseph, give Mr. Dauterive
a bite of your silence stick.

Remember, kids, you never know
when you're gonna be tested.

Now, who else is hungry?

ALL: I am.
HANK: Gotcha!

Bobby, Randy, Garth,
pass your silence sticks up.

See, kids? It's harder than you think.

You don't want to end up like Randy's dad.

My dad's a successful patent lawyer.

Not in the eyes of Wematanye.

I'm still hungry.

- Who wants a dollar? Say "me."
- Me!

[Bill laughing]

Well, these things are addictive.

Well, these things are addictive.

Lord, Bobby. Watch out, son.
You've lost more chaws than anybody.

Now don't talk, no matter what.

[Dale screaming]

Wematanye!
Mr. Gribble's not wearing his seatbelt...

Bobby! You just got four in a row.

One more bite,
and you can't make Straight Arrow!

BILL: I'll take that jerky now.

There it is, boys. The great outdoors.

[Cars honking]

WOMAN: Thanks to our efforts, we have
preserved the nesting areas...

for the Texas spotted owl, the snail darter,
and the endangered whooping crane.

And we eliminated 300 logging jobs.

[Clapping]

PROTESTERS: Yeah. Right on, man.

Also, this note, people.
The brown herbal Ecstasy is bad.

Do not, I repeat, do not take
the brown herbal Ecstasy. Thank you all.

Oh, man. What kind of
lefty hootenanny is this?

Look at that one, bouncing around
in front of God and everybody.

Would it kill a tree if she wore a bra?

[Radio static]

[Static]

[Static]

[Static]

[Static]

[Murmurs]

I'm beginning to think this silence thing
is just so we don't bother them.

They're not testing anything except
for how dumb we are! It's all a trick.

My dad wouldn't trick us!

"My dad wouldn't trick us."

ALL: Wematanye.

Wematanye. Who wants another beer?
Wematanye.

HANK: I am Kicking Elk.

As long as the sacred fire is burning,
the oath of silence is suspended.

JOSEPH: Thank the Lord.
RANDY: My lips were stuck together.

Shut up! I'm talking here.

We of the Order of the Straight Arrow
call upon the spirit, Wematanye...

protector of the sacred ground
that brings us cool water to drink...

and energy-efficient,
clean-burning propane gas...

for all our sacred heating
and cooking needs.

Wematanye says, "Respect the earth."

She's ours, by God. Our taxes paid for her.

Also it says here,
you gotta love all her creatures.

Let's see. Here we go.

Though we walk through the valley
of the shadow of death...

you're gonna recommend us
to the spirit in the sky...

with liberty and justice for all.

Wematanye is with you and with Texas.

HANK: Amen.
ALL: Amen.

PEGGY: I'd like a room, please.

Name?

I am Senora Rasha Ibenez.
And I will be paying in cash.

HANK: Now we will say the oath
of the Order of the Straight Arrow.

ALL: A Straight Arrow tells the truth.

A Straight Arrow loves nature.

A Straight Arrow is against Bill HR 57...

to allow the importation
of South American propane.

Wematanye.

And now for the final test.

The snipe hunt.

You are about to come face-to-face
with the deadliest beast in creation.

Those who survive
will be honored members...

of the Order of the Straight Arrow.

And those who don't will be dead.

[Gasping]

Wematanye, protect us on our hunt.

All right.
This here's your whoop-ass stick...

to beat the snipe back
in case he comes at you.

What does a snipe look like?

It's got red, glowing eyes,
long, crooked teeth, a claw...

and a tail with another claw on the end.

[Gasping]

Easy, Dale. Bill and I'll take the lead.

Boomhauer and Dale will bring up the rear.

Remember, the snipe call is this:

"Woo-Ioo-Ioo, woo-Ioo-Ioo."

HANK: Well, call him out, boys.
He's not just gonna show up.

BOYS: Woo-Ioo-Ioo...

- I think I hear him.
- Look out, Bill. He almost got you.

BOYS: Woo-Ioo-Ioo...

They'll be out there another hour,
and then we'll go get them.

Boy, this takes me back.

[Screaming]

BOBBY: I got one!

I got one!

What the... What are you talking about?

HANK: My Lord! That's a whooping crane.

There's only five of those left in the world.

Well, four now.

Then we should be thankful
we got the opportunity to see one.

Now you done it.
Now you really gone and done it.

What do you mean "you"?
We're all in this together.

No, me and Boomhauer
came on our own trip...

in our own conveyance.

You and I may be acquainted,
but we are not traveling companions.

I am merely here to enjoy Earth Day
and play some hacky sack.

Dale, I'm gonna need you
to give me the keys now.

I can't believe it.

It wasn't your fault, Bobby.
You thought it was a snipe. We all did.

It was. But Wematanye
turned it into a whooping crane...

so I could live
to get my Straight Arrow badge.

Bobby, don't you get it?
Your dad made all that up.

There's no such thing as a snipe.

No! My dad is the Arrow leader.

He speaks only with honor.

We'll ditch the carcass
by the interstate in the morning.

Now, let's just go to sleep.

Yes. We'll all just go to sleep now.

Bill, get his pants and shoes.

Okle-doke.

[Electronic sensor beeping]

Sir?

[Beeping getting faster]

Sir, I'm sorry to disturb you.

I'm with the Forestry Service.

And we're looking
for a missing whooping crane.

Well, you see, the bird's tagged
with a little transmitter.

And I've tracked it
to within 10 yards of your campsite.

You haven't seen it, have you?

A whooping crane in these parts?

I think I would've noticed
something like that.

- They're pretty rare, aren't they?
- Yes, very rare and beautiful.

Sir, do you know anything about this?

Due to one of them
snipe hunts last night...

with them sticks and a bag.

And a then whack, whack.
We'd go "woo-Ioo-Ioo."

Talking about that big mistake, y'all.

Right there in that cooler.

Right there in that cooler.

Well, if you do see anything,
you can contact the ranger station.

How about you boys?

Well, yeah. We saw...

They can't talk for 24 hours.
Order of the Straight Arrow, you know?

Got you. I was in the Order myself.

[Mumbling]

The Straight Arrow hasn't changed a bit
since I was a boy.

We gotta get rid of this bird.

What the...

BOBBY: Wematanye.

[Chanting]

HANK: Cripes! Put that thing down!

Stop fooling around!
We've got to bury that thing fast!

We can't just bury it, Dad, remember?

Wematanye wants us to honor
the bird's sacred spirit.

And we will do just that
in the dumpster behind Stuckey's.

Now let's get out of here before
someone sees us, okay?

Murderers! I have got to tell the ranger!

- Brock.
- Rasha.

I almost could not get away.

Amigo, it is time for some new zapatos.

Or "shoes," as you say in your country.

Senora, I have an Italian mock-alligator
you are going to love.

A Size 16 for Senora Ibenez, Triple E.

PEGGY: You are a genius. Now this is why
I come to Lubbock's Very Big Shoes.

I'll have Chuck and Buzz carry
the box out to the car for you.

I saw him waving it
over his head, really proud.

I also heard that
they were hunting snipe last night.

There is no snipe.

My God. How many more species
have to be wiped out before we learn?

Easy. Don't draw attention.
We're almost there.

We're gonna make it.

What's that flapping sound?

Taste the wind one last time, bird spirit.

Bobby!

There they are, the nature haters!
Let's get them!

[Screaming]

[Coughing]

Pull over right here, by that culvert.

Well, we can't stuff this bird in here.
It'll never fit.

You could eat it.

Damn. And I filled up on silence sticks.

Brother Bird, I have given you
a last flight and made my peace with you.

I release your spirit to Wematanye.

Woo-Ioo-Ioo.

Woo-Ioo-Ioo.

HANK: Son, would you please knock it off?
You're driving me nuts.

There is no Wematanye.

It's just some damn nonsense we made up
to fill out the weekend.

Tell him, Dale.

How do you know my name, crane killer?

I never met any of you people
before in my life.

- Tell him, Bill.
- He's right, Bobby. It's all a crock.

Those spirit bags of yours
are just my ex-wife's old socks.

And by the way, I want them back.

So...

everything you said was all a lie?

Yes. That's the secret of the snipe hunt.
That's the whole point.

Oh, I get it.

I guess.

HANK: I didn't mean
to let you down. I just...

When Dale, and Bill, and Boomhauer,
and me went through this as kids...

all the tricks and lies from our dads,
they were part of the experience.

It brought us all together.
You know, us against them.

I don't want to be against you.
You're my dad.

We're supposed to be on the same team.

Of course we're on the same team.
You and me.

And now Team Hill is gonna bury
that whooping crane together...

and get out of this park
without getting caught.

WOMAN: There they are.

Sir, you lied to me.
You lied to this little boy.

And I don't know what you did
to this gentleman in his underwear.

I'm gonna have to take you
in to the ranger station.

Son, hand me the bird body.
I need it for evidence.

It's a miracle!

Well, I'll be damned.

Wematanye.

I guess knocking a crane unconscious
isn't a crime.

Although it's probably not good for them.
You're free to go.

I knew you wouldn't lie to me, Dad.

That was just the final test.

Wematanye does exist.

The bird was just unconscious, Bobby.

No.

It was dead until I made Wematanye
bring it back to life.

I'm a shaman.

God, my head hurts.

I can heal you, Dad.

BOBBY: Woo-Ioo-Ioo.

Woo-loo-loo.

[Sighs]

PEGGY: Welcome home, boys.
Did you have fun?

Don't ask. How was your weekend?

PEGGY: Oh, same old, same old.

Did you do some shopping?

Yeah. I bought a microwave.

Boy, I'll tell you what.
This family goes through microwaves...

quicker than most people
go through shoes.

PEGGY: Yeah.