Kiff (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Thirst to be the First/The Fourth Bath - full transcript

(Terri) Brought to you
by Dooley's Feather Barn.

If it's stinky, it's a Dooley's!

4:59... Five o'clock! It's time.

Sup, Kiff.

Barry! Your little friend is here!

(both) Sleepover night!

Gross.

I can't believe it's happening!

You're finally here!

Oh, she's been here for 45 minutes!

We saw you pacing out front.



I couldn't wait. Are you kidding me?

My first sleepover at the Buns house.

All my life,
I've dreamt of having siblings.

It's gonna be the best night of my life.

Of all of our lives.

Kiff, as a token of your
honorary Buns family status,

we have a little present for you.

(gasps)

Buns family sweater?

I am never taking it off. I'll swim in it.

It'll be my wedding dress.

Oop. Rookie mistake.

Hold on. What's with all the names?

Oh, those are all the previous owners.



First the sweater went to Harry,

then Terri.

I finally out-grew it last week

and my mom said
we could pass it down to you!

It's a hand-me-down.

Hand me... don?

This is fascinating.

Yeah, anything can be handed down.

Sneakers, mattresses...

Toys, eyeliner...

Cellphones, bath water...

I am reeling. Hand-me-downs.

I am just so excited to--
Wait, did you just say bath water?

(whispering)
I think you'd better follow me...

Barry! Finish these potatoes!

Bar, what's going on?

Okay. Imagine this potato that looks like

it's wearing little headphones is Harry.

Oldest goes first.

Then you have Terri, this
entrepreneurial looking spud,

this handsome-but-doesn't-know-it
potato is me on the third step.

You're a little younger,

so this spunky Kiff tater
goes on step four.

And this cutie baby potato is Kristophe,

at the very bottom.

Now imagine this cup is the tub.

First Bath...

Second Bath...

Third Bath... And then...

And then my potato
just plops right in there

after all the others? To get... clean?

Uh, how do you bath time at your house?

(jive music playing)

Oh, you know, tub, water, towel.

Look, Barry, I am a Buns now

and this is how we Buns do baths.

So I'll just take... the Fourth... Bath.

(dramatic music)

(loud rock music plays)

Hey, brother. Sick beats! (chuckles)

Say, how's about you and me do switchies

on the ol' tub-time tonight...

Har? You-- you need a minute
to think about it, or--?

(pants) Okay, let's go back
to the potatoes.

Kiff, if you really wanna do switchies,

you're gotta switch one step at a time.

I think I get it. So then, Barry...

- would you like to switch with--
- Ah-ah-ah!

if we're gonna make a deal,
we gotta do this right.

(Barry whispers indistinctly)

Before we begin,
would you like some water?

So...

You have a proposal for me.

(slurps)

(slurps)

Yeah. Like I was saying before,

- I wanna switch bath times--
- Okay!

Wow, that really seemed like

it was setting up to be a whole thing.

But, thanks, Bar!

What was that? Oh, shoot, hold on.

Mm-hmm, right, I see that now. Yeah.

(sighs) They're telling me
that I caved too early.

and that I stink
at this high-stakes stuff.

No! Barry, you're nailing this.

What do you want?
What if I open this window for ya,

get a nice little breeze goin?

Yes!

That's how you close a deal, baby!

Thanks, Bar.

Good luck, Kiff! I love you!

(dramatic music)

Got the Third Bath. I'm on my way.

(grunts)

Oh. Hey, Kristophe.

I'll play with you and Farley later, okay?

(whimpers)

I don't have time to deal
with a fifth-bather right now.

Hey, girlie! Get in here!

I could potentially switch with you...

if you'd be down to help me film

a teensy little video
for my channel first.

Yeah, sure, Terri.

Well, what kind of vide--

Hey, fans, it's your gurl,
Terri "Two Bowls",

back with another banger.

Today I have an awesome helper,

my brother's friend, Kiff Chatterley,

or shall we call her "Split Creamerley"?

(laughs)

Kiff, tell the viewers
what's in the bowls today.

Uh, I think it's ice cream?

Who is this video for?

Oh! Did everybody hear that?

Kiff just said "Who is this video for?"

Y'all know what that means!

♪ Apple core, apple core
Apple core! ♪

♪ Apple Core!
Sit on the floor! ♪

♪ Tell me who this video's for! ♪

Okay, viewers, say when!

How can they say when?

Thanks again to Dooley's Feather Barn

for these amazing stinky feathers!

Guys, check them out
and use offer code "territwobowls"!

Drop the bowls and the deal's off!

- (groans)
- (dramatic music)

That was painful... but worth it.

Harry-- I have the Second Bath.

I want to talk. Please!

Come on, just switch with me.

I'll roadie your DJ stuff for a month.

I'll do your algebra homework for a year.

I know what algebras are.
They're... high school cooties.

No deal, Kiff.

You've come far,
but the switchies end here.

I'm filled with too much teen angst

to care about anything anymore.

Wow. I've never stared so deeply
into the teenage abyss before.

Once upon a time I did care,

about one special thing in particular.

But now that thing is gone.

Whoa-- is that Farley?

Is he a hand-me-don?

Be gone now, leave me
to my horrible teen thoughts!

Only six minutes left until bath time.

(groans) But I'm so close
to the First Bath!

Which leaves me no choice...

Hey...

(playful music playing)

Ahem, I'll just cut to the chase.

I'm trying to do switchies
for the First Bath slot,

and to do it... I need, uh, Farley.

(dramatic music)

I see.

- How about I just borrow him...
- (snarls)

Okay. Okay. Gotta improvise here.

(snarling continues)

Hey! Hey, you like candy? Huh? Want this?

Huh. Okay, you just want the wrapper.

You're an interesting guy, Kristophe.

Well, I'm just gonna place
this awesome wrapper here...

And then... Yoink!

(laughs)

Like giving candy to a baby.

(dramatic music)

(Kiff) Hey, Harry.

(dreamy music playing)

First Bath!

(playful music playing)

(dramatic music)

Well, well.

Look who got the First Bath after all.

(jive music playing)

(strong wind whistling)

(dramatic music)

(growls)

(gasps)

(screams)

Barry!

I can't work with the wind in my face!

Hey! My gentle breeze!

(dramatic music)

(all screaming)

(muffled screaming)

(gasps) Barry, are those
dinner potatoes on the floor?

(all yelling)

(muffled yelling)

(all yelling)

(clears throat)

Kiff, honey, why do you look dry?

We're losing water heat here,
go take your bath!

No, I-- I don't deserve to be
an honorary Buns.

I did whatever it took
to get to the First Bath,

and I destroyed your beautiful family
in the process.

I'll just hand this don
and catch a zipline home.

Goodbye forever, my sweet Bunses.

Kiff, what are you talking about, babe?

Yeah, geez, Kiff.

I'm the moody one.
There's a hierarchy here.

Please don't leave!

Wait-- I don't get it.

Aren't you all at each other's throats?

Well, yeah... we're siblings. Doy!

This is honestly
a pretty tame night for us.

And you can all forgive me

for sowing the seeds of sibling rivalry
for my own benefit?

We've all been there.
Now you're really part of the family.

(giggles)

(dramatic music)

Ready for the Fifth Bath?

Ready, bro.

(chanting) Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!

Who's my clean boy! Ooh!

(suspense music playing)

(groans)

(squeals)

(humming)

Bubbles!

(vocalizing continues)

(closing theme plays)