Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil (2010–2012): Season 2, Episode 6 - Faceplant/Sold! - full transcript

♪ Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick

♪ kick buttowski, buttowski

♪ kick

♪ kick

♪ kick buttowski

♪ kick, kick, kick

♪ kick buttowski

♪ kick, kick, kick, kick

♪ kick

♪ kick

♪ kick buttowski

♪ kick buttowski! ♪

Hello, my little cuckoo clock.

My most prized viking antique.

The thing i love with all my heart
and would lay down my life for.


Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Bwar!

Why, thank you for telling me the
time, precious little clock.

(gasps) the time!
Kick should be arriving soon.

(man reading)

Gunther: Kick!

(gasps) gunther's clock!

Are you okay?

Oh, thank goodness.

Well, you almost made
it to the bathroom.

Uh, gunther, i had an accident.

Shh. No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is all my fault!

I knew i should have
moved the toilet in here.

No! I crashed into your wall.

Oh, well, that's no big deal.


As long as my prized viking
cuckoo clock is okay!

It's my absolute favorite.

(chuckles) i love it so.

If anything ever happened to it,

I just don't know (grunting)

What i would do!


(distorted) bwar!

Okay, kraken's list,
you're my only hope.

Viking helmet, viking oars,

Half-price viking sneakers.

Ah! Viking cuckoo clock!

And it's expensive.

I gotta find a way to
pay for this clock.

Hmm, what do i have that's
worth a lot of money,

That i don't mind selling?

Razz: Today only!
The auctioning of kick buttowski!

Lot one of one!
This here daredevil stunts with agility,

Virility and authenticity.

He can jump, flip,
parkour, walk on his hands,

And dance like
nobody's business.

He can take a beating,
he can take a kicking,

He can take out the trash.

Auction entitles winner to all-inclusive
daredevil services for one day.

Sunrise till sunset,
this daredevil will do whatever you say!

Let the bidding begin!
One dollar sign!

One dollar sign! Two now! Two!

Now do i hear three? Three!
No, four! No! Four dollar sign!

Five to the lady in the glasses!

I hear six and a half!
Seven! Now, seven!

Gimme seven! Gimme seven to
the lady in the moustache!

Seven and a half!
Seven and a half...


And sold!
To the lady in the moustache!

He's yours all day tomorrow!
Sunrise to sunset!

Then you gotta pay up, man!

Oh, kick!
I can't wait for tomorrow!

It's gonna be the
most awesome day ever.

You have to do whatever i say!

See you tomorrow! At sunrise!

Yeah. Can't wait.

It's just one day with jackie.

You can do this! For gunther.

Let's rock! Let's rock!

Uh, you didn't have to take the
"sunrise till sunset" thing literally.

Oh, i take everything literally!

Especially the part about
you doing everything i say!


And i want you to start the
day with your favorite cereal!

Billy stumps cereal!

A delicious part of a complete
kick buttowski breakfast!

Well, i do love me some stumps!

Destructocon '87!

I didn't know there
were any copies left!

This is the last one!

Look, there's billy stumps
making his first appearance ever!

(screams) awesome!

(cheetah snarling)

What is this?

Homemade cheetah chug!

Wow! You can really
taste the sweat.

Come on! I got so much
more stuff i wanna do!

Sure! I'm all yours!

(wacky jackie screams)


Kick: You built this?

For me? Of course i did!

Wait! Might want to
try this on for size.

Boom mccondor's
lucky skate wheel?

How did you get this?


(muffled screams)

Found it?

Go, kick!

(both scream)


My socks got wet and it's
really uncomfortable but, whoo!


Jackie, i had no idea
you'd do stuff like this.

I mean, it's the best day ever.

(gasps) you think so?

Then you'll love what
i have planned next!

Kick: Wow, jackie,
this is amazing!

A cheetah chug fountain,

Cardboard cutouts of all my
heroes, and of my family.


But hey, still very cool!

I'm glad you think so.

Because this is gonna be
the best wedding ever!


Wacky jackie: You and me, kick.

Oh, no, jackie.
I'm not getting married.

You have to do whatever i
say, remember?

And i say we get married!

We are gonna spend the
rest of our lives together!

Imagine it!
The rest of our lives,

The rest of our lives,

The rest of our lives,

Rest of our lives,

Rest of our lives,
rest of our...

Are you done imagining yet? Yes.

Yay! Then let's get
this show on the road!

I've only got till sunset!

Um... Well,
i can't get married just yet, jackie.

I forgot my tuxedo!

Got it right here!

Uh, well,
i forgot the wedding rings!

I've had them for years!

(groans) well,
i forgot my lucky eight-leaf clover!

And i can't get
married without that.

Here's a nine-leaf one!
That's even luckier!

There you are!

(sighs) now i just
gotta stall till sunset.

I thought you might
get cold feet!

So i planned ahead!

Run all you want,
but there is no escape!

(laughing maniacally)


Can't marry jackie.

Must tell gunther about clock.

(gunther crying)

Why, kick?
How could you do this to me?

It's ruined!

(gasps) he must have
found the broken clock.

(gunther crying)

I'm gonna get the money to
buy my friend a new clock.

Even if it means marrying
(gulps) wacky jackie.

(cries) my best buddy's wedding.

And i'm not his best man!

Our friendship is ruined.


You can do this.

Go and show your support.
He's still your best man.

Even if you're not his.

(sighs) be strong, old man.

Be strong.

(playing classical music)

I knew you'd come back.

You can't resist all this!

Let's do this thing!



Wacky jackie: (mimicking
billy on tape) dearly beloved,

We are gathered here

To join the awesome
kick buttowski

To his number one fan, jackie!

And as we stand here,
before witnesses and friends,

We show them that the importance

Of this great bond of
love that you're not...

Stop the wedding!

i have something to tell you.

Yes, my darling kick?

I'm marrying you for
the wrong reason.

(gasps) for my money?

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

But i'm totally cool with it!

Well, back to the wedding!

No, jackie. I...

I broke gunther's favorite
viking antique clock.

And i auctioned myself off
to pay for a replacement.

I'm sorry, gunther.

I don't care about the
clock, kick!

I thought you found
a new best man!

No way, buddy.
There's nobody better.

You mean "bester."

I sure do.

we're still getting married!

You're all mine till
sunset, remember?

Sunset is only a minute away!

Then i better buy
myself some time.

Gunther? Know what i'm thinking?

I'm with you, buddy.

Uh, kick...

Jackie, you take this
man to be your husband?

I do!

Kick, do you take
jackie to be your wife?

I, i, i...

I don't.

That was awesome!

Oh, kick, it's the wedding
i've always dreamed of.

Minus the actual marrying part.

There's always next time.

Kick: I still need to
replace gunther's clock.

Now fork over the cash.

But i spent all the
money on the wedding!

Well, i guess i'll have to
sell off the wedding gifts.

The clock? But how?


you have more than one of these?

Of course,
they're like potato chips.

You can't just have one.

Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

(playing shave and a haircut)

Crowd: Face plant!

Hey, pummel pals,

I'm brick bristol,
host of america's number-one game show,

Face plant!

All you have to do is survive
my impossible obstacle course.

Just conquer the
conveyor slayer.


Resist the re-mixer.


Breeze by the ball and chain.

Hide from the hammerheads.


Sidestep the seesaw.


And finally, bypass the loose
screws and hit the big red button

To win $50,000.

Think you have what it takes?
Or will you...


Crowd: Face plant!

Whoohoo. Yeah! Gunther,

I could totally
win on that show!

But nobody wins on face plant.

It's impossible!

I'm kick buttowski.
Of course i'd win.

But i wish there wasn't
that age restriction.

Man on tv: And remember.

We got rid of that
age restriction!

I wish i had a year's supply
of donut bacon burgers!

Gunther, that's not a magic tv.

I think you know what
we have to do now.

Let's see if our next load of
contestants have what it takes

Or if they're destined
to face plant!

A sweet for my sweet.

Oh, ronaldo, you're so romantic.

Buttowski! What are you doing?

I'm gonna be the first
person to win face plant!

Face plant! Ha!

Don't you know that show
is impossible to beat?

Unless, of course you
have science on your side.

You stick to science and
i'll stick to awesome.

Now where were we?

Instead of a chewy
nougat center,

These chocolates
have atom models.

Tasty and educational.

Ronaldo, sometimes you're
too much into science.

Can't you be more...


Crowd: Face plant!

Welcome back, everyone!

And now, face plant's youngest
contestant ever, kick buttowski!

Could he be the very
first contestant

To ever finish my very
impossible course?

Probably not!

And he's off.

Look at that little guy go!

He's leaving no stone unturned
on our conveyor slayer.

Not bad for a kid who
brought his own helmet.

Looks like he might actually
clear the hammerheads.

(chuckles) no! He got nailed!

Okay, kick. You can either
choose to come back and try again

Or quit and take
the booby prize.

So which is it, back or booby?

(chanting) back! Back! Back!

Listen, you little twerp!

Nobody ever wins on face plant.

So just take your
booby prize and quit!

"Quit" isn't in my vocabulary.
I'm coming back!


Looks like buttowski's
coming back

To try and push that button.

Crowd: Face plant!

Bristol: So far so good
on the killer drillers!

Oh! Call kick a cavity
'cause he just got drilled!

I'm coming back!

Crowd: Face plant!

Bristol: Kick is having some
trouble on this rocky road.

That's how i roll.

I'm coming back!

Crowd: Face plant!

Bristol: Kick's on
the hammerheads.

Can he make it through? No!
He really hit that nail on the head.

I'm coming back.

Crowd: Face plant!

Bristol: (laughs) i
saw that one coming.

Coming back! Crowd: Face plant!

Bristol: Oh,
he's sung this tune before.

And here comes the remix.

I'm coming back.
Crowd: Face plant!

You sure you want to go back
on that show? I have to!

So you want to be humiliated
for the 27th time?

I'm not being
humiliated, gunther.

Wow, it's kick buttowski!

Can i have your autograph?

See? Now who shall
i make this out to?

"To, kenny.
From the world's most awesome loser!"


I told you, kick!
Face plant is impossible.

But ronaldo said i... Ronaldo!

i need to go see the dark one.

And viola!

I've been expecting you.

You said i could
win on face plant!

Uh-uh-uh. I said it could be won

If you had science on your side.

You're chaos, buttowski.
You have no control.

I've got control!

Oh, really?


I knew it was a
mistake to come here.

Wait! I can give you control.

I'm listening.

You see, i've got a
little problem of my own.

Kendall seems to think
i'm too "predictable."

She wants me to be more awesome.

What does she even
mean by awesome?

Sounds like you could
use a little chaos.

Tell you what, buttowski.

You scratch my back,
and i'll scratch yours. Gross.

(sighs) what i mean, buttowski,

Is you help me be more
awesome to kendall,

And i'll give you the
science to beat face plant.

To reclaim what's left of your
pathetic, tattered reputation.


Okay, buttowski.

I want you to avoid the tennis
balls using all your senses.

Easy peasy.

While wearing this blindfold.

How am i supposed to see what's
coming wearing a blindfold!

It's impossible!

It's the thing you don't
see coming that gets you.

For example.

Hey, that's not fair!
I wasn't even looking!

That's exactly why you've
got to use your other senses.

Give me the blindfold.

This better work.

I can't see anything.
That's the point.

Seeing the danger is one thing

But only if you hear, feel,
smell the danger coming,

Will you taste victory.

Ha! Told you, buttowski.

You gotta use all your senses.

Hey, i wasn't ready...

Two words. Face. Plant.

You're enjoying
this, aren't you?

I admit, i'm getting a little
satisfaction out of this.

I can do this with
my own two eyes.

I don't need your help.

It's impossible without my help.

You'll see, buttowski.

I mean, uh, you'll, uh,
feel and hear and use your other senses.

Crowd: Face plant!

Hi, again everyone.
It's me, brick bristol.

And everyone's
favorite loser is back!

That's right, folks.
It's our last episode of the season,

And kick buttowski has more
lumps than two-year-old milk.

But maybe this time he'll
survive my course and win.

Or not!

He's through the hammerheads.

This kid's not screwing around.

(laughs nervously)

No shortcuts through the seesaw.

This may be the
farthest anyone's been.

He's beating my course.

No, no, no, brick, relax.

He's just done this part before.

Bristol: And he's through the beam
me up and down the tube of terror?

What do you know?
He made it to the final stage.

One last obstacle and he'll win.

Piece of cake.

Not if i can help it.

Slightly larger piece of cake.

But cake none the less.

And now to really seal the deal.

I can't see! This is impossible!

Ain't that a shame.

Maybe now he'll come
to his senses and quit.

Senses. What did ronaldo say?

Use all your senses,
not just your eyes.

(whooshing sound)

Sounds like hammers!

Smells like (sniffs)


Must use all senses.


Have a nice trip.
See you next fail!

No! I mean, it looks like he's
gonna make it to the button.

Oh, no you don't!

Gimme that button!
I won fair and square!

Don't you get it?
This is my show and my button.

No one wins face plant!
People wanna see pain!

Failure! Humiliation!

So give these losers
what they want.

I mean, no, i'm doing it for you guys.

Oh, i'll give them
what they want.

Gimme that button! Never!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!



Should've used all your senses.

Crowd: Face plant!

I beat face plant thanks to
you, ronaldo.

Now, to return the favor,

I'll show you how
to be more exciting.

Now, do not use your senses.

It's what you don't see
coming that makes it awesome.

On your mark, get set...

Hey, wait, i don't think i want...

Don't forget to hook that...



A-e-i-o-u and sometimes pi!

(ronaldo screaming)

I'm sorry, kendall.

I wish i could have
been more awesome.

More awesome! What could
possibly have been more awesome?

You rode an ironing
board off a cliff,

You bounced over
every rooftop in town,

And now we get to
ride in an ambulance!

It's enough awesome
to last a lifetime!


(siren wailing)

that makes us just about even.

And now your prize for
beating face plant!

A check for $50,000!

(people cheering)

Kick buttowski? I'm collecting
for ronaldo's hospital bill.

This should cover it. Biscuits.