Key and Peele (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 9 - Episode #2.9 - full transcript
New Key & Peele airs Wednesdays on Comedy Central. Sketches include gangsters sharing a passion for 'Twilight,' visiting a world where names are farts, and racist superheroes.
Okay, this is it.
Any questions?
Everybody knows
what they're doing, right?
'cause we got one shot
at this.
There's no dumb questions,
you guys.
Did you have a question?
No?
So all you guys know
exactly what your job is.
Okay, so, on my count.
Three, two, one.
Go, go, go, go!
Whoa!
Yah!
Unbelievable.
Whoo! Hello!
♪ Hello ♪
Thanks for coming out.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.
Welcome.
Thank you so much.
So...
- Sometimes I get the giggles.
- You get the giggles?
I get the giggles
when we're doing this.
Brother, you were
born with the giggles, man.
I came out of the womb...
giggling.
- Giggling.
- It's hilarious in there!
The best laughter
and the hardest to not laugh
is when you're
not supposed to laugh.
Right, exactly.
That's like...
And you guys be just laughing
just in church for no reason.
Church is a deathtrap.
Or the worst is when
you're getting the giggles...
And the wor... is when the priest
or the minister says this...
"Because the Lord
is inside of you."
He'll go,
"why are you laughing?"
- Don't laugh. Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
It's wor... it's the worst.
Are you... are you the type
of guy who... you cry at a movie?
- I cry buckets at movies.
- At like...
- At comedies I cry.
- No, no...
'cause I...
"I could've got that job."
So, your wife...
So, you just cry out in the open
if you're sitting next to your wife.
Oh yeah... If I'm... if I... if a tear
is about to come down my face,
I'm at a sad movie,
I'll just be using gravity
on this mother-[bleep] to spill it out.
What? Sir, are you having
a hard time hearing the film?
No, I-I was looking 'cause
you got a beautiful ceiling.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Craftsmanship up there.
I appreciate it,
yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry, baby,
hold on a second, baby,
Hold on a second, baby,
I'm just looking at the ceiling.
Carvell thanks you for coming.
First order of business,
I'm sure you all
heard that Twigs got pulled
out the river this morning.
It ain't no secret
that he and Carvell
grew up in the hood together.
So listen up.
'cause Carvell
about to say some words.
Okay, you know what?
Don't none of you
look at them tears
and think that [bleep]
is funny.
Because it takes a big [bleep]
man to cry in front of his crew.
Go ahead, Carvell.
Y'all know Twigs was my boy.
Back in the day,
we used to pretend
the sofa cushions was a fort.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
And we used to pretend
that the floor was molten lava.
Oh...
Okay, you know what,
though?
There ain't nothing funny
'bout that.
Of course this man is crying.
'cause he and Twigs
was kids together. Okay?
You know what I mean?
They was best friends
forever and [bleep].
Go ahead, Carvell.
We used to play Care Bears.
Mmm-hmm.
Hmm-hmm.
Twigs and I would spend
the good part of an afternoon
trying to figure out
which C-C-Care Bear we was.
Oh, oh...
Oh...
I wish one of y'all
mother-[bleep]
would just start laughing,
'cause you all know
you think this [bleep] is funny.
Carvell over here, blubbering
and talking 'bout Care Bears.
But you know what?
But you...
Those are manly tears!
Okay?
Those some manly-ass tears
right there that you lookin' at!
Go ahead, Carvell.
And then...
And then... and then...
and then... and... and... and...
Mm, I'm sorry, man.
That was a weird-ass sneeze
I just did right there.
God damn it.
Can a brother get some [bleep]
claritin up in here?
Go ahead, Carvell.
Twigs always
fancied himself Share Bear.
Mm...
I always...
I always thought...
thought of myself
thought of myself
as more of a Funshine Bear.
Mm... okay.
Okay, all you [bleep] need
to respect that right there!
Okay? Y'all need to listen
to Funshi...
I'm so... I'm sorry, man.
You a Funshine Bear, man.
I'm sorry, that...
That is some funny [bleep].
Whoa, whoa.
All right.
Let's go sell some crack.
Jahari, my friend.
There are a lot of beautiful
women out here today.
Yeah.
Karim, my friend,
you speak the truth.
Well, I do what I can.
- Ooh.
- Oh...
- Wow.
- Right?
- Ha-ha.
- Blip.
Sha-bloimps.
You know, I caught a little
glimpse of her foot nut.
You saw ankle bone?
Well...
Got some ankle cleavage,
you dirty devil, huh?
- You saw?
- God, I saw.
Very good, very good...
Mm.
- Hmm-hmm.
- Oh...
Dude, did you see
the bridge on that nose?
I mean, if it is
any indication...
- Wow.
- Hhh-holy garbanzo beans.
I'll tell you what.
That is a bridge I'd like to cross.
This is my boy.
This is my boy.
This is my boy.
Oh.
Hmm.
- Not a lot to go on there.
- Not really. Not really.
- Good height.
- Good height.
- Good height.
- Crazy tall.
Yeah, like 5'9".
Heh...
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. She's tall.
She's tall. She's tall.
That's right. She's tall.
There's nothing to be done.
Getting wet. Let me see...
Let me see it from behind.
Let me see it from behind.
That's how you hit it.
That's how you hit it.
Jahari, can I tell you something
in confidence right now?
Okay.
I'm a virgin.
I went down to Georgia
a couple years ago,
and I was just... oh...
It's not funny, it's just...
- That's...
- just... just a fact.
It's just what happened.
Trying to get
to the funny part.
White people come up to you.
"Hey.
"So, you like Darius, huh?
You like Darius?"
"What the [bleep]? Darius?
What are you talking to me..."
- "You like Darius?"
- Darius Rucker?
"Hootie, man. Hootie.
Hootie, man.
Don't you love Hootie?
He's huge down there.
He's enormous.
As a country star.
Darius Rucker.
Huge down there.
There's only like three ever.
Charley Pride,
Darius Rucker...
There's only two.
There's two of 'em.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Darius Rucker.
♪ Don't go out
with my friends no more ♪
♪ Don't wanna
hold your hand no more ♪
Hootie, Hootie...
Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...
♪ And I don't wanna
be with you ♪
Hootie, Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...
- No, no.
- Hootie, Hootie...
No, no, no, no.
I'm not in Hootie
and the Blowfish anymore, y'all.
Doing my own thing.
What do you mean "in Hootie"?
Because you are Hootie, man!
- Come on, everybody!
- Hootie, Hootie...
- Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...
- No, no...
No, no, no, all right,
now... now... now stop it, stop it.
I'm not Hootie.
I'm Darius Rucker. All right?
I used to be the front man
for a band called
Hootie & the Blowfish.
All right,
but I was never Hootie.
There was never a Hootie.
Just... if I may...
if I may ask,
where are the Blowfish at,
right, guys?
Come on, everybody!
Blowfish!
Blowfish, Blowfish, Blowfish...
No, no, no! The...
There are no people known
as "the Blowfish," y'all.
Okay?
The whole band was just called
Hootie & the Blowfish. That's it.
It was a nonsense name.
Like Hoobastank.
Or Toad the Wet Sprocket.
Oh.
♪ Don't go out
with my friends no more ♪
♪ Don't wanna
hold your hand no more ♪
Oh! Oh!
What? What is it, man?
I see. I get it now.
I understand.
Hey, we gotta pick, y'all!
- We gotta choose between...
- No, no...
Hootie or the Blowfish!
So, who wants to see
the Blowfish?
There's no Blowfish.
And who wants
to see Hootie?
Hey.
Hey, that... that hurts
my feelings, y'all.
Yeah, but you said
you weren't Hootie.
No, I'm not, sir.
But in the question
you just asked the audience,
I-I was clearly Hootie.
- So you are Hootie!
- I'm not, though.
He is Hootie!
Yeah!
No...
Hootie, Hootie...
Hootie, Hootie, Hootie, Hootie,
Hootie, Hootie,
Hootie, Hootie, Hootie, Hootie,
Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...
Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...
I'm Hootie!
I'm Hootie! Aah!
I...
am your substitute...
Mr. Nostrand.
But that might as well say,
"No nonsense,"
because I...
do not...
play.
Now, today will not be
a day off.
In fact, today,
you will work harder than...
Somebody call
a Code Brown up in here.
See you later,
Mr. Pootstrand!
Jordan and I
love action movies.
We love, you know, movies
where people are trying to...
you know, smuggle contra...
Like, Breaking Bad's
like our favorite show.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Also like The Wire
and New Jack City.
Yeah,
like that kind of stuff.
- And anything that like...
- It intrigues us, yeah.
Yeah, portrays African-Americans
as criminals.
In the worst possible light.
We just...
- We love that. We love that.
- So, shame on us.
But something
that always cracks me up.
I love when you see cops
and DEA agents when they bust...
You know, they bust
a whole bunch of cocaine.
- Oh, yeah.
- And I lo...
This is my favorite thing.
It's like, "Give it here."
Like, come on.
"That's 100% pure."
I want to become a cop
just so I can go to that class.
I just want to
go to that class
where the cop's
just supposed to go...
- "Get in there..."
- Yeah.
"I don't know if it's pure.
Hold on."
"Let me just
crack that up in there.
"Make sure that...
"I'm not sure yet if it's pure.
Hold on a second.
'This could be only 80% pure.
Aah..."
Eight kilos.
100%.
Pure grade Afghani heroin.
$100,000 U.S. dollars.
Hold up.
We should count it first.
Mm. Mm-hmm.
Be my guest.
You know, we gonna do
a straight count on this right now.
- Count it... count it?
- Yeah. Just...
- Good idea.
- Mm-hmm.
Should probably do it fast
so we don't make
our friends here wait.
Mm-hmm. Okay.
20, 40, 60, 80,
100, 20, 40, 60,
80, 200...
Hey, you know what? I'm fast.
Let me just do it.
- You want... okay.
- I'll take care of that.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9...
1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9...
1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9...
Hey, why... why are you
doin' piles of nine?
- It's faster than 10s.
- Oh, really?
I do my nines 10 times, and
then I do an extra pile of 10.
Fast. Okay. Yeah, yeah.
You know, we... we should
probably both be counting.
Oh, well, let's get to it.
That's dou... double trouble.
All right.
- And, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...
- 20, 40, 60...
- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...
- 80, 100, 20, 40,
1, 2, 3, 4... Wait.
Okay, I'm sorry, can you...
could you ple...
Could you do something
like over there?
- Yup. I'm gonna take.
- Please, it's a little distracting.
- Oh, you know what?
- What's that?
I got it.
We could time me.
Okay.
Okay, we time me
counting out 1,000.
We take that time,
and then
we just count money
for that time times 100.
No! I g... I got it.
This is it right here.
I'm gonna do a web search
for a picture of $100,000.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Then, you know, we'll know
what it's supposed to look like
and then we can
arrange our money
to look exactly like it.
And see... here. Hey. Here we go.
Right here, look.
I mean, damn, that looks...
That looks just like...
a lot like our money.
I think we got
$100,000 here, folks.
- I think we made it.
- No, that is our money.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, do...
Earlier...
Yeah.
When we were counting,
I took a picture of our money
so I could upload it
on Yahoo! Answers.
- Oh, damn.
- That's right.
'cause I just wanted to see
if anyone could verify
- what $100,000 looked like.
- [bleep]!
- Oh, you got it.
- What was I thinking?
- You got it.
- I got it, man.
- Go, go, go, go.
- I got it, I got it.
What the hell
are you doing, man?
I th... you know,
I was gonna try to Rain Man it.
- Oh, that's a plan right there.
- That's right.
- Okay, yeah, here we go.
- We can do that.
Okay.
Yup, yup. I got that.
I got that.
20, 40, 60...
99,980.
You guys ever hear...
You guys know the old standard,
Uh, "It's Co..." is it called,
"It's Cold Outside?"
- "Baby, It's Cold Outside."
- "Baby, It's Cold Outside."
You know this old standard?
Right, yeah.
'30s and '40s.
And so many people
have covered it.
It was written in like 1939
or something like that.
It's funny, when you listen
to the lyrics of the song, uh...
It's kinda rapey.
- It's a little rapey.
- It's a little rapey.
It's like...
It's true.
She said
she wanted to leave...
You told her
it was cold outside.
It's winter. She's very aware of
the fact that it's cold outside.
She's not stup...
you know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.
- "No" means no. Right?
- Oh, yeah.
- You know?
And this was... I got...
I got creeped out...
'cause I dr... I... In this scene
you're about to watch,
I dressed up like a woman.
Lot of brothers like, "Man,
he dress up like a woman a lot."
I'm just...
just in touch
with my feminine side.
- Whoo! Thank you, girls.
- Yes.
But no, this one was confusing
for me because I was...
I... fir... I'm hot.
I'm hot.
And so it's creepy.
You don't want
to look in the mirror
and be attracted to yourself.
Be like the...
dude from Silence of the Lambs.
"I'd [bleep] me."
You don't want that.
Ah!
♪ Would you look at the time? ♪
♪ You should just stay here tonight ♪
♪ I've had too much wine ♪
♪ You will leave
at first light ♪
♪ It isn't that far ♪
♪ Baby, just stay where you are ♪
♪ Back to my place ♪
♪ You can't escape
from my embrace ♪
♪ I really had a very nice time ♪
♪ Let me just refill that wine ♪
♪ But I really need
to just say good-bye ♪
♪ I would love to see you try ♪
♪ Please unlock this door ♪
♪ it's locked from the outside ♪
- ♪ Babe, you're mine tonight ♪
- ♪ I cannot stay tonight ♪
♪ Look, I really have to go ♪
♪ No, you really have to stay ♪
♪ Hey, "no" means no ♪
♪ That is what they all say ♪
♪ You're hurting my arm ♪
♪ I won't cause you any harm ♪
♪ Let go of me ♪
♪ We can make this hard
or just easy ♪
♪ A woman always
comes prepared ♪
♪ Ooh, I'm really scared ♪
♪ I said this is not what I want ♪
♪ Why you have to be such a... ♪
♪ I know self-defense ♪
♪ I dare you to try it ♪
♪ I don't want to fight ♪
♪ Bitch,
you are mine tonight ♪
♪ Please, just please go away ♪
♪ I thought that you
wanted me to stay ♪
♪ Well... well,
I just changed my mind ♪
♪ Think I'll just
stay and unwind ♪
♪ How did this all switch? ♪
♪ Now you are... ♪
♪ my... ♪
♪ bitch ♪
♪ Please just be kind tonight! ♪
♪ Now you're mine... ♪
♪ to... ♪
♪ night ♪
- Good night!
- Good night!
♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪
Oh, yeah!
Any questions?
Everybody knows
what they're doing, right?
'cause we got one shot
at this.
There's no dumb questions,
you guys.
Did you have a question?
No?
So all you guys know
exactly what your job is.
Okay, so, on my count.
Three, two, one.
Go, go, go, go!
Whoa!
Yah!
Unbelievable.
Whoo! Hello!
♪ Hello ♪
Thanks for coming out.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.
Welcome.
Thank you so much.
So...
- Sometimes I get the giggles.
- You get the giggles?
I get the giggles
when we're doing this.
Brother, you were
born with the giggles, man.
I came out of the womb...
giggling.
- Giggling.
- It's hilarious in there!
The best laughter
and the hardest to not laugh
is when you're
not supposed to laugh.
Right, exactly.
That's like...
And you guys be just laughing
just in church for no reason.
Church is a deathtrap.
Or the worst is when
you're getting the giggles...
And the wor... is when the priest
or the minister says this...
"Because the Lord
is inside of you."
He'll go,
"why are you laughing?"
- Don't laugh. Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
It's wor... it's the worst.
Are you... are you the type
of guy who... you cry at a movie?
- I cry buckets at movies.
- At like...
- At comedies I cry.
- No, no...
'cause I...
"I could've got that job."
So, your wife...
So, you just cry out in the open
if you're sitting next to your wife.
Oh yeah... If I'm... if I... if a tear
is about to come down my face,
I'm at a sad movie,
I'll just be using gravity
on this mother-[bleep] to spill it out.
What? Sir, are you having
a hard time hearing the film?
No, I-I was looking 'cause
you got a beautiful ceiling.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Craftsmanship up there.
I appreciate it,
yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry, baby,
hold on a second, baby,
Hold on a second, baby,
I'm just looking at the ceiling.
Carvell thanks you for coming.
First order of business,
I'm sure you all
heard that Twigs got pulled
out the river this morning.
It ain't no secret
that he and Carvell
grew up in the hood together.
So listen up.
'cause Carvell
about to say some words.
Okay, you know what?
Don't none of you
look at them tears
and think that [bleep]
is funny.
Because it takes a big [bleep]
man to cry in front of his crew.
Go ahead, Carvell.
Y'all know Twigs was my boy.
Back in the day,
we used to pretend
the sofa cushions was a fort.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
And we used to pretend
that the floor was molten lava.
Oh...
Okay, you know what,
though?
There ain't nothing funny
'bout that.
Of course this man is crying.
'cause he and Twigs
was kids together. Okay?
You know what I mean?
They was best friends
forever and [bleep].
Go ahead, Carvell.
We used to play Care Bears.
Mmm-hmm.
Hmm-hmm.
Twigs and I would spend
the good part of an afternoon
trying to figure out
which C-C-Care Bear we was.
Oh, oh...
Oh...
I wish one of y'all
mother-[bleep]
would just start laughing,
'cause you all know
you think this [bleep] is funny.
Carvell over here, blubbering
and talking 'bout Care Bears.
But you know what?
But you...
Those are manly tears!
Okay?
Those some manly-ass tears
right there that you lookin' at!
Go ahead, Carvell.
And then...
And then... and then...
and then... and... and... and...
Mm, I'm sorry, man.
That was a weird-ass sneeze
I just did right there.
God damn it.
Can a brother get some [bleep]
claritin up in here?
Go ahead, Carvell.
Twigs always
fancied himself Share Bear.
Mm...
I always...
I always thought...
thought of myself
thought of myself
as more of a Funshine Bear.
Mm... okay.
Okay, all you [bleep] need
to respect that right there!
Okay? Y'all need to listen
to Funshi...
I'm so... I'm sorry, man.
You a Funshine Bear, man.
I'm sorry, that...
That is some funny [bleep].
Whoa, whoa.
All right.
Let's go sell some crack.
Jahari, my friend.
There are a lot of beautiful
women out here today.
Yeah.
Karim, my friend,
you speak the truth.
Well, I do what I can.
- Ooh.
- Oh...
- Wow.
- Right?
- Ha-ha.
- Blip.
Sha-bloimps.
You know, I caught a little
glimpse of her foot nut.
You saw ankle bone?
Well...
Got some ankle cleavage,
you dirty devil, huh?
- You saw?
- God, I saw.
Very good, very good...
Mm.
- Hmm-hmm.
- Oh...
Dude, did you see
the bridge on that nose?
I mean, if it is
any indication...
- Wow.
- Hhh-holy garbanzo beans.
I'll tell you what.
That is a bridge I'd like to cross.
This is my boy.
This is my boy.
This is my boy.
Oh.
Hmm.
- Not a lot to go on there.
- Not really. Not really.
- Good height.
- Good height.
- Good height.
- Crazy tall.
Yeah, like 5'9".
Heh...
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. She's tall.
She's tall. She's tall.
That's right. She's tall.
There's nothing to be done.
Getting wet. Let me see...
Let me see it from behind.
Let me see it from behind.
That's how you hit it.
That's how you hit it.
Jahari, can I tell you something
in confidence right now?
Okay.
I'm a virgin.
I went down to Georgia
a couple years ago,
and I was just... oh...
It's not funny, it's just...
- That's...
- just... just a fact.
It's just what happened.
Trying to get
to the funny part.
White people come up to you.
"Hey.
"So, you like Darius, huh?
You like Darius?"
"What the [bleep]? Darius?
What are you talking to me..."
- "You like Darius?"
- Darius Rucker?
"Hootie, man. Hootie.
Hootie, man.
Don't you love Hootie?
He's huge down there.
He's enormous.
As a country star.
Darius Rucker.
Huge down there.
There's only like three ever.
Charley Pride,
Darius Rucker...
There's only two.
There's two of 'em.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Darius Rucker.
♪ Don't go out
with my friends no more ♪
♪ Don't wanna
hold your hand no more ♪
Hootie, Hootie...
Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...
♪ And I don't wanna
be with you ♪
Hootie, Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...
- No, no.
- Hootie, Hootie...
No, no, no, no.
I'm not in Hootie
and the Blowfish anymore, y'all.
Doing my own thing.
What do you mean "in Hootie"?
Because you are Hootie, man!
- Come on, everybody!
- Hootie, Hootie...
- Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...
- No, no...
No, no, no, all right,
now... now... now stop it, stop it.
I'm not Hootie.
I'm Darius Rucker. All right?
I used to be the front man
for a band called
Hootie & the Blowfish.
All right,
but I was never Hootie.
There was never a Hootie.
Just... if I may...
if I may ask,
where are the Blowfish at,
right, guys?
Come on, everybody!
Blowfish!
Blowfish, Blowfish, Blowfish...
No, no, no! The...
There are no people known
as "the Blowfish," y'all.
Okay?
The whole band was just called
Hootie & the Blowfish. That's it.
It was a nonsense name.
Like Hoobastank.
Or Toad the Wet Sprocket.
Oh.
♪ Don't go out
with my friends no more ♪
♪ Don't wanna
hold your hand no more ♪
Oh! Oh!
What? What is it, man?
I see. I get it now.
I understand.
Hey, we gotta pick, y'all!
- We gotta choose between...
- No, no...
Hootie or the Blowfish!
So, who wants to see
the Blowfish?
There's no Blowfish.
And who wants
to see Hootie?
Hey.
Hey, that... that hurts
my feelings, y'all.
Yeah, but you said
you weren't Hootie.
No, I'm not, sir.
But in the question
you just asked the audience,
I-I was clearly Hootie.
- So you are Hootie!
- I'm not, though.
He is Hootie!
Yeah!
No...
Hootie, Hootie...
Hootie, Hootie, Hootie, Hootie,
Hootie, Hootie,
Hootie, Hootie, Hootie, Hootie,
Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...
Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...
I'm Hootie!
I'm Hootie! Aah!
I...
am your substitute...
Mr. Nostrand.
But that might as well say,
"No nonsense,"
because I...
do not...
play.
Now, today will not be
a day off.
In fact, today,
you will work harder than...
Somebody call
a Code Brown up in here.
See you later,
Mr. Pootstrand!
Jordan and I
love action movies.
We love, you know, movies
where people are trying to...
you know, smuggle contra...
Like, Breaking Bad's
like our favorite show.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Also like The Wire
and New Jack City.
Yeah,
like that kind of stuff.
- And anything that like...
- It intrigues us, yeah.
Yeah, portrays African-Americans
as criminals.
In the worst possible light.
We just...
- We love that. We love that.
- So, shame on us.
But something
that always cracks me up.
I love when you see cops
and DEA agents when they bust...
You know, they bust
a whole bunch of cocaine.
- Oh, yeah.
- And I lo...
This is my favorite thing.
It's like, "Give it here."
Like, come on.
"That's 100% pure."
I want to become a cop
just so I can go to that class.
I just want to
go to that class
where the cop's
just supposed to go...
- "Get in there..."
- Yeah.
"I don't know if it's pure.
Hold on."
"Let me just
crack that up in there.
"Make sure that...
"I'm not sure yet if it's pure.
Hold on a second.
'This could be only 80% pure.
Aah..."
Eight kilos.
100%.
Pure grade Afghani heroin.
$100,000 U.S. dollars.
Hold up.
We should count it first.
Mm. Mm-hmm.
Be my guest.
You know, we gonna do
a straight count on this right now.
- Count it... count it?
- Yeah. Just...
- Good idea.
- Mm-hmm.
Should probably do it fast
so we don't make
our friends here wait.
Mm-hmm. Okay.
20, 40, 60, 80,
100, 20, 40, 60,
80, 200...
Hey, you know what? I'm fast.
Let me just do it.
- You want... okay.
- I'll take care of that.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9...
1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9...
1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9...
Hey, why... why are you
doin' piles of nine?
- It's faster than 10s.
- Oh, really?
I do my nines 10 times, and
then I do an extra pile of 10.
Fast. Okay. Yeah, yeah.
You know, we... we should
probably both be counting.
Oh, well, let's get to it.
That's dou... double trouble.
All right.
- And, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...
- 20, 40, 60...
- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...
- 80, 100, 20, 40,
1, 2, 3, 4... Wait.
Okay, I'm sorry, can you...
could you ple...
Could you do something
like over there?
- Yup. I'm gonna take.
- Please, it's a little distracting.
- Oh, you know what?
- What's that?
I got it.
We could time me.
Okay.
Okay, we time me
counting out 1,000.
We take that time,
and then
we just count money
for that time times 100.
No! I g... I got it.
This is it right here.
I'm gonna do a web search
for a picture of $100,000.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Then, you know, we'll know
what it's supposed to look like
and then we can
arrange our money
to look exactly like it.
And see... here. Hey. Here we go.
Right here, look.
I mean, damn, that looks...
That looks just like...
a lot like our money.
I think we got
$100,000 here, folks.
- I think we made it.
- No, that is our money.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, do...
Earlier...
Yeah.
When we were counting,
I took a picture of our money
so I could upload it
on Yahoo! Answers.
- Oh, damn.
- That's right.
'cause I just wanted to see
if anyone could verify
- what $100,000 looked like.
- [bleep]!
- Oh, you got it.
- What was I thinking?
- You got it.
- I got it, man.
- Go, go, go, go.
- I got it, I got it.
What the hell
are you doing, man?
I th... you know,
I was gonna try to Rain Man it.
- Oh, that's a plan right there.
- That's right.
- Okay, yeah, here we go.
- We can do that.
Okay.
Yup, yup. I got that.
I got that.
20, 40, 60...
99,980.
You guys ever hear...
You guys know the old standard,
Uh, "It's Co..." is it called,
"It's Cold Outside?"
- "Baby, It's Cold Outside."
- "Baby, It's Cold Outside."
You know this old standard?
Right, yeah.
'30s and '40s.
And so many people
have covered it.
It was written in like 1939
or something like that.
It's funny, when you listen
to the lyrics of the song, uh...
It's kinda rapey.
- It's a little rapey.
- It's a little rapey.
It's like...
It's true.
She said
she wanted to leave...
You told her
it was cold outside.
It's winter. She's very aware of
the fact that it's cold outside.
She's not stup...
you know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.
- "No" means no. Right?
- Oh, yeah.
- You know?
And this was... I got...
I got creeped out...
'cause I dr... I... In this scene
you're about to watch,
I dressed up like a woman.
Lot of brothers like, "Man,
he dress up like a woman a lot."
I'm just...
just in touch
with my feminine side.
- Whoo! Thank you, girls.
- Yes.
But no, this one was confusing
for me because I was...
I... fir... I'm hot.
I'm hot.
And so it's creepy.
You don't want
to look in the mirror
and be attracted to yourself.
Be like the...
dude from Silence of the Lambs.
"I'd [bleep] me."
You don't want that.
Ah!
♪ Would you look at the time? ♪
♪ You should just stay here tonight ♪
♪ I've had too much wine ♪
♪ You will leave
at first light ♪
♪ It isn't that far ♪
♪ Baby, just stay where you are ♪
♪ Back to my place ♪
♪ You can't escape
from my embrace ♪
♪ I really had a very nice time ♪
♪ Let me just refill that wine ♪
♪ But I really need
to just say good-bye ♪
♪ I would love to see you try ♪
♪ Please unlock this door ♪
♪ it's locked from the outside ♪
- ♪ Babe, you're mine tonight ♪
- ♪ I cannot stay tonight ♪
♪ Look, I really have to go ♪
♪ No, you really have to stay ♪
♪ Hey, "no" means no ♪
♪ That is what they all say ♪
♪ You're hurting my arm ♪
♪ I won't cause you any harm ♪
♪ Let go of me ♪
♪ We can make this hard
or just easy ♪
♪ A woman always
comes prepared ♪
♪ Ooh, I'm really scared ♪
♪ I said this is not what I want ♪
♪ Why you have to be such a... ♪
♪ I know self-defense ♪
♪ I dare you to try it ♪
♪ I don't want to fight ♪
♪ Bitch,
you are mine tonight ♪
♪ Please, just please go away ♪
♪ I thought that you
wanted me to stay ♪
♪ Well... well,
I just changed my mind ♪
♪ Think I'll just
stay and unwind ♪
♪ How did this all switch? ♪
♪ Now you are... ♪
♪ my... ♪
♪ bitch ♪
♪ Please just be kind tonight! ♪
♪ Now you're mine... ♪
♪ to... ♪
♪ night ♪
- Good night!
- Good night!
♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪
Oh, yeah!